Years ago I knew someone who had absolutely zero interest in anything. It’s not like they were lazy or weren’t ambitious or anything, they were a fine person. Kind, friendly, just really a decent person all around. As I got to know them I would ask about their interests and hobbies. They didn’t have any. They weren’t into music or books or sports or fashion or anything. I asked what they did when they weren’t working which is usually an indication of one’s interests but again, nothing there. Some television shows but that was it. This was privately baffling to me. We were good friends at one point and in the time I knew them they never mentioned anything that interested them. They had no dreams, no plans, no goals.
They seemed to be happy and well adjusted but they never spoke about anything they were excited about, or something they looked forward to. Of course, we all know people who go with the flow and take things day by day but this wasn’t that. I’ve always been someone who looks forward to things with a lot of enthusiasm (even if I don’t express it). I get excited about delicious food, going back to a book I’m reading, my next adventure en femme, the mail to see if my new outfit was delivered that day. I have plans and dreams and goals for both of my gender identities. Knowing who I am and knowing what made me happy I had a hard time relating to this person. How could anyone not have something in their life that made them happy?
Of course as time marches on I realize that perhaps they were happy with everything they had. Perhaps they were simply content and were at the point in their life where they had everything they wanted. A small, simple life. If that’s the case, then, well, I’m a little jealous of them. I sometimes feel my goals are too ambitious and wonder if I will get discouraged if my dreams don’t come true. Perhaps all of their dreams have been realized.
I don’t think it takes much for me to feel content or happy. Normally. I mean, I feel anxious and restless and bitchy and I sometimes have a hard time letting go of something, but once I remind myself how lucky I am, how safe and healthy and satisfying my life is, then I stop feeling sorry for myself (if that’s what I’m feeling) and I start to feel better. It’s all about perspective, I suppose. I have stressful days at work or a sudden unexpected expense to take care, but really, if I can start the morning with coffee and leggings and end the day in a nightgown and a good book, well, what more could I want?
As people get older it’s not uncommon for them to lose interest in things. To stop pursuing new interests, new hobbies. It’s understandable. Life isn’t easy, the days are long, and we’re all exhausted. Sometimes it’s all we can do to make it through the day and crash on the couch and zone out for a bit with a television show. I have days like that, too. As life passes it’s not always easy to find time for the things that make us happy, things that relax us, that bring joy to our lives. We know they are important but let’s face it, we all experience burn out, especially as we live through this damn pandemic.
Many things that we like to do aren’t an option right now. Traveling isn’t a good idea, spending time with our family and friends isn’t recommended, going out to eat just isn’t fun at the moment. Frankly everything sucks. But we will get through it. Eventually. Not without scars, though.
Although this side of us does, can, or has caused a lot of anxiety, fear, confusion, despair, turmoil, stress (and a zillion other things), this side of us, once we strip away all the unpleasant emotions and thoughts, this side of us brings us so much joy.
Isn’t that wonderful? We are so fortunate to have something in our lives that makes us so happy. I can’t tell you how happy a new dress makes me, how much I like selecting my panties for the day, slipping on a nightgown at the end of the day, a new shade of lipstick. I’m sure you feel the same way too.
This isn’t to say much other than just express how happy I am to have something in my life that brings me such joy. To bring so much beauty and content and fulfillment into my life. I hope you feel that way too. Yes, it’s not always easy to have this side of us and this side of us often brings challenges (to put it lightly) but on the most basic and smallest levels underneath all that stress there is beauty.