I feel as if my anxiety is really high lately. Work has been stressful, a family member is in the hospital, and, well, the whole pandemic.
Please know that I am not trivializing anything.
It’s hard to cope and get through life (and through the day) when it feels like everywhere you turn there’s something happening. Life has a way of backing you into a corner sometimes. And then life pins your arms back and takes a few more shots at you. It gets a little traumatic and it gets a little old.
Also! Please know that I’m fine, and everything is fine. I mean, it’s NOT (you know, the pandemic, work, family) but this isn’t a cry for help or anything. I am not on the verge of doing something or anything drastic. Life just feels overwhelming at the moment.
I am not the type of person who can’t get out of bed in the morning and I just thank God that I quit drinking because otherwise…. well, it’d be bad I think. I don’t use drugs or have the common bad habits that others use to cope. And I am not here to shame anyone for doing what they need to deal with… everything. I do think there’s a lot of unaddressed trauma many of us are living with because of the pandemic, and you can’t really come to terms with trauma until what’s causing the trauma passes. But what I’m curious about is how does one know what’s really going on?
What I mean is that things impact people in different ways. Anxiety causes me to pretty much shut down. I am twitchy and jumping and pretty much a nervous wreck. I appear (and I am, so there’s that) distracted and lost (and REALLY lost) in thought. The pandemic is getting bad (again) and is echoing what happened last year (which I’m probably still dealing with).
Our brains (thankfully) have a survival mode. We luckily switch over to dealing with the immediate threat in order to survive it and once the danger passes, we can then process it and heal from it if we need to.
Sometimes I feel normal and I feel good. Despite what is happening in the world or at work I can sometimes shake it off and be positive and upbeat. These days it is feeling impossible to do so. I know I’m being overly dramatic but it feels like there’s a dark cloud over everything.
But as I said before, I’m curious about what is really happening. Is it just a bad couple of weeks/months? Is my depression/anxiety getting worse and I need to have my meds tweaked? Is there anything unaddressed trauma that needs to be addressed?
I remind myself (and this does help) that my life is really, really good. I told myself the other evening that if I can slide into bed wearing a nightgown and fall asleep reading a good book, well, how bad was the day, really? One of my, well, I suppose it’s a coping mechanism is giving myself a reward. I’ll tell myself that if I can get through SOMETHING (such as a stressful work project) then I will treat myself to a new dress or something. And it works! It gives me something to look forward to, something to fight for. My last “reward” was a red latex dress that I can’t wait to wear. 😉
I wonder how common this is for girls like us. I think treating ourselves is pretty common, but for girls like us we can treat our femme selves. Is there anything you do for her that helps you get through a difficult time?
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Rewarding yourself for a tough task completed is a excellent idea. Treating the woman within a surprise and encouragement completes a psychological lift to your self esteem. Love your insight and wish you the best.
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Everything has been so discouraging lately. Just as things seemed to be getting better, everything changed, and now we’re back to dealing with lockdowns and masks everywhere. Winter lockdown was excruciating–the loneliness was brutal–and I just kept thinking that if I could make it to summer, I’d be okay. After a brief spring respite–when I was able to go out (en femme) again, and interact with people in person–I’m back to isolation and fear. It’s very sad. I’m very sad.
I think none of us really understand what we went through over the past year and a half, or what we’re going through again, and that it will take years to recover emotionally (if we ever really recover at all). I’m back to just taking one day at a time; living a much more limited life; wondering if I’ll be able to take some trips I have planned for the fall, or show off the new leopard-print dress I bought on sale (dressing up at home only goes so far).
I stay as busy as I can. I do yoga, and meditate, and ride my bike, but I want to do so much more (who would have ever thought that going to a movie would become such a big deal). The thought of spending another winter locked down, isolated from interpersonal contact (sorry, Zoom doesn’t count–so done with it), is soul-crushing. The hardest part of being trans for me is just how lonely it is–how hard it is to find others who “get me.” The pandemic made it worse in ways I could never have imagined previously (and the politics? Don’t even get me started on what it feels like to watch so many try to exploit the disgust many have with all things trans to gain power for themselves. Ugh!).
I understand your anxiety completely. It sounds like you understand it well yourself, and know how to provide the self-care to get through these dark times. Just know how much your blog means to many of us who are out here all alone, just wanting an opportunity to live our lives the way we want, when circumstances seem always to align to keep us from doing so.
I’ll make it somehow, but I’m Just. So. Done.
Stay well, and thanks again for all you do to keep the rest of us encouraged.
Alice
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A new set of lingerie and shiny hose always encourages me to be more feminine and kind to people.
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Hang in there, Hannah! Some days (or weeks, or whatever) are just a total bummer (does that expression date me? does anybody under the age of 65 say that anymore?) I, for one, often have no clue what is really going on in the world (politically speaking). I just do what I need to do to continue on. When times get difficult, I try to focus on the things that make me happy, and know that the pendulum always swings back.
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Sorry Hannah your having a tough time and your right with many things going on do we really know what’s next,
I know for me despite what is going on with this damn virus I think we all just need to take a breath and tell ourselves we need to just live
This thing isn’t really going away and unfortunately the politicians just make it worse along with our media.
We can’t as a country or society go into lockdown again and folks need to just be smart and responsible
That’s how we do it and we can as a nation beat this stuff back and be strong again
It takes all of us and screw the damn partisan politicians
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With all the anti-vaxers causing the covid return I get truly sad for our world. Selfish people can’t think of someone else for a change and get a shot or two? OK, sure, vaccines are a personal decision, if you are a selfish ass! What are we scared of people?
I am so depressed knowing that several dates and close friends won’t get a shot and I loose all respect for them. Now when I see people in masks, I move away frome them. I am being judgmental on their choice to cause the next outbreak. I went to the nude beach femmed out in a cute bikini and sarong and ran into naked people wearing masks! The world is getting more stupid and I don’t understand. Some days I can’t tell if I am alive or dead.
I do like to treat my fem side but also have drug and alcoholic crutches. I guess I am just as big of mess as the rest of the crappy world. Cheers!
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Don’t feel bad I went through somting that was much worse than this. The threat of nocleor war we lived on a military base and this was lingering overhead foe severl years. we came through it.(Thank God it never happened) So when covid hit my mind kicked i and said it was a war that was out of control. I had a spat at work and was given a day off to get my sh** back together after talking to my real sister she went through it to my mind settled down and I got back to the sience of bioligy and the body. I have copped with covid very well since. So as we go through another round we have the medical tech to fight this proplem. So my reward is knowledge that the war can be won all we have to do work with it and watch ourselves and remember that we can beat this is every one does there part to make it happen. there are people that expect others to fix there problems. I say thats there problem I fixed my problem by getting the vaxine. I hate to say it this way but it is reality
love Magan
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Its almost EXPECTED to feel this way, given all the things in this world seemingly wanting to ‘go sideways’.
I wont elaborate with the ‘doom listings’, given all the fore mentioned maladies.
For ‘some unknown reason’, back in September I was experiencing same, similar feelings of doom, anxiety, and eventually HEART PALPITATIONS (!).
My G.P, sent me to a CARDIAC SPECIALIST. After a thorough exam and tests, the suspect was STRESS, and maybe a mild case of COVID (yes I had been vaccinated with two doses of Moderna) . Covid is known to cause CHEST PAINS, as well as arrythmia.
Cardiac man prescribed ATENOLOL 25mg. x 2day for the irregularities in heart rhythm.
This drug also quelled the ANXIETIES as well as ‘heightened startle response’ (a real condition) as well as the heart ‘murmurs’. Generally this drug is not prescribed for anxieties, but is used for anxieties on a ‘off label’ basis.
TOTAL RELIEF!
Things are soooo much better, as well as my general energy level has started to return (I suspect the COVID for this).
I am NOW one happy, relaxed camper.
Please do your own research.
Find relief.
Velma
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I find when I have a really stressful day in boy mode that changing into girl mode in some way seems to help. It seems to have a calming effect on me & I feel like I’m a totally different person, which in fact we are when en femme.
Cheer up girlfriend, we are doing better than a lot of people out there right now & that in its self is something to be very happy about.
Diane
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ok, I have been told that i sometimes get tunnel vision and forget that the world does have good in it. I get that. I am sorry to come off as if my problems are somehow important or in any way worse than what everyone else is going through. I understand my insignificance, believe me. So, I apologize for posting. Venting in a crazy, one-sided rant seems to lesson some of the bottled-up “crazy” I keep inside. Mostly.
I have also been told that I just need to put on a pretty dress, some sexy lingerie, and “get laid”. This suggestion is also not wrong. I wouldn’t mind the distraction of some sexy fun, but as any CD/TGurl knows, it is difficult to find someone who likes and understands us.
Take care of each other, think of other people, and accept them for everything that they are. There is still good things out there. Be happy when you do find them. Even the little “wins” count.
Thank you and again, I am sorry for that first post.
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My crossing is complicated as is everyone’s. I am a full figured size 14. I love to always wear a boned underwire long line bra, a padded brief under a high waisted satin panels panty/ open bottom girdle attached to thigh high support stockings! I enjoy the look of other women admiring me coming and going. I always wear age appropriate makeup with lots of finishing powder. My age appropriate outfit and shoes attract no attention. I fit in and accentuate a full wig that falls over each shoulder with lovely jewelry. I must admit walking with a purpose is intoxicating!
What do you think!
Marlena May
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