I feel as if my anxiety is really high lately. Work has been stressful, a family member is in the hospital, and, well, the whole pandemic.
Please know that I am not trivializing anything.
It’s hard to cope and get through life (and through the day) when it feels like everywhere you turn there’s something happening. Life has a way of backing you into a corner sometimes. And then life pins your arms back and takes a few more shots at you. It gets a little traumatic and it gets a little old.
Also! Please know that I’m fine, and everything is fine. I mean, it’s NOT (you know, the pandemic, work, family) but this isn’t a cry for help or anything. I am not on the verge of doing something or anything drastic. Life just feels overwhelming at the moment.
I am not the type of person who can’t get out of bed in the morning and I just thank God that I quit drinking because otherwise…. well, it’d be bad I think. I don’t use drugs or have the common bad habits that others use to cope. And I am not here to shame anyone for doing what they need to deal with… everything. I do think there’s a lot of unaddressed trauma many of us are living with because of the pandemic, and you can’t really come to terms with trauma until what’s causing the trauma passes. But what I’m curious about is how does one know what’s really going on?
What I mean is that things impact people in different ways. Anxiety causes me to pretty much shut down. I am twitchy and jumping and pretty much a nervous wreck. I appear (and I am, so there’s that) distracted and lost (and REALLY lost) in thought. The pandemic is getting bad (again) and is echoing what happened last year (which I’m probably still dealing with).
Our brains (thankfully) have a survival mode. We luckily switch over to dealing with the immediate threat in order to survive it and once the danger passes, we can then process it and heal from it if we need to.
Sometimes I feel normal and I feel good. Despite what is happening in the world or at work I can sometimes shake it off and be positive and upbeat. These days it is feeling impossible to do so. I know I’m being overly dramatic but it feels like there’s a dark cloud over everything.
But as I said before, I’m curious about what is really happening. Is it just a bad couple of weeks/months? Is my depression/anxiety getting worse and I need to have my meds tweaked? Is there anything unaddressed trauma that needs to be addressed?
I remind myself (and this does help) that my life is really, really good. I told myself the other evening that if I can slide into bed wearing a nightgown and fall asleep reading a good book, well, how bad was the day, really? One of my, well, I suppose it’s a coping mechanism is giving myself a reward. I’ll tell myself that if I can get through SOMETHING (such as a stressful work project) then I will treat myself to a new dress or something. And it works! It gives me something to look forward to, something to fight for. My last “reward” was a red latex dress that I can’t wait to wear. 😉
I wonder how common this is for girls like us. I think treating ourselves is pretty common, but for girls like us we can treat our femme selves. Is there anything you do for her that helps you get through a difficult time?