Sometimes your day can be an endless barrage of bad news. Sometimes we can’t wait to make it to Saturday and leave the frustrating week behind us. Sometimes the year never ends.
And that is life. It is riddled with peaks and valleys, rainy days and sun.
When life is harder than normal I try to tell myself that whatever is stressing me out will pass. And sometimes I listen to myself. Of course I also tell myself that the other stiletto will drop when things are going well. I seem committed to sabotaging my happiness.
Life is big. Being alive means we are subject to whatever is happening in the world. Things outside of our control impact us and can greatly and irreversibly affect our lives. We are at the mercy of the world, at the mercy of others. It is disheartening when other people make decisions that affect us. Sometimes elections don’t go how we wish and laws are passed that hurt us. Sometimes companies issue new HR guidelines that make our jobs more difficult. To be clear, I am not necessarily speaking about girls (and boys) like us. Yes, being trans (or at the very least, non-binary) does mean our community has a target on our back in many circumstances. When I am in boy mode I never have to think twice or worry about using the restroom that aligns with my gender presentation at the moment. But when I am en femme the fear that SOMETHING could happen is always there.
I try to focus on the small things, on the things I can control. I try to remember the good things in my life and the good things in my day. Thankfully I am blessed in ways I never could have dreamed. I am thankful for the significant things in my life. A strong marriage, a nice little home, a soft bed, a fulfilling (albeit often frustrating) career. But there are the small things, too. Sometimes at the end of a long and difficult day I pull back the covers of my bed wearing a nightgown and just process the day. I try not to bring the stress of whatever transpired during the day to bed, but anxiety doesn’t always cooperate. What I tell myself (and it isn’t always easy to do so) is that if I can finish the day in a pink nightgown in a warm soft bed, well, perhaps it wasn’t such a bad day afterall. When I wake in the morning and drink coffee in leggings wrapped in a blanket I am reminded that it’s probably the best way to start a day, regardless of what I have going on.
These small moments, paired with small things like panties, leggings, and nightgowns, make the day a little more tolerable. Sometimes life can be overwhelming and the cutest pair of panties isn’t enough. When life is toooo big it’s wonderful to be able to take a break from it and spend the day en femme. To totally change who you are for a while. Wearing a new dress while getting a makeover before heading to the mall is about as far from my normal day of meetings and daily reports as it gets. I need that. I need Hannah.
I know this side of us can be a burden. I know that this is a part of us that causes a lot of stress and fear and confusion. Some of us feel cursed and wish that we didn’t feel the way we do, or think how we think. And I get that. Although I can’t relate to wishing this side of me wasn’t there, I can understand how someone like us wishes they weren’t who they are. I feel sad when I hear someone say this. Being ashamed or stressed about yourself or wanting to wear what you want to wear is a painful way to live your life. I know t-girls who prayed they would grow out of this. Thankfully many girls stop denying this side of themselves and embrace who they are. A weight is lifted and a burden is set down.
I hope you find comfort in small things. A new shade of lipstick, heels that fit, wearing a cute bra and panty set under your boy clothes. We can’t stop life from happening and the days are stressful enough as it is. Being tormented by your gender identity doesn’t help. You are who you are and I don’t believe you will grow out of this side of you. Nor do I think you should. Most people in my life could never understand how spending the day in a corset and stilettos is how I relax. Most people in my life would never get why I am spending money on lingerie. I need these small (but often expensive, lol) things in my life, in my day.
Take care, girls.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Hannah, thank you for sharing your insights on life. You help me with my struggles. Like today’s little struggle.
I’m always wearing panties, and for about 5 weeks straight, I’ve also worn a bra every day. I do love matching bras and panties!
So, it’s finally cooling off here in Texas and I decided to wear pantyhose to help keep my legs warm. And this pair is just so uncomfortable! Instead of worrying about it, i just need to find a brick and mortar that has pantyhose and talk to an SA to help me understand sizing.
Yes, the small things matter. Lingerie helps me feel better; more importantly, I feel pretty!
Again, thank you.
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Hannah, I truly appreciate your insights and perspective. You help me deal with my struggles of being who i am.
For almost 50 years, I’ve struggled with my desire to wear panties. In the 70s, this was a “perversion”; I couldn’t let anyone know! I indulged myself when I could, but those times were infrequent.
When I met my wife to be, I was happy she wore panties I liked but knew I could never wear hers as if they were mine. I never told her about my desires. Like so many, I figured my desires would go away over time.
Of course, those feelings subsided; they didn’t disappear. 4 years ago I started buying my own panties and then matching bras. I feel so pretty wearing these items!
And then she found out. I answered honestly when she asked if I’m a crossdresser. She said, That’s better than having an affair.
Well, I still wear every day. I don’t let her see. She doesn’t ask. I’ve accepted me as me, and accepted my life situation. I can’t share this with her. I can’t experiment and try other feminine clothing.
So, thank you for sharing your thoughts and sharing your life with us. You help me understand who I am and to accept who I am.
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Small things help me too. My approach to being a non-binary male fully retired but still in regular contact with many family members and friends who do not know of my engaging in feminine dressing and makeup produces tension. So slipping into a dress and carefully applying an attractive shade of lipstick may give me some at home satisfaction even if I have no need to go out. I can still write and take care of household chores and feel happy.
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Thanks. I needed that.
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Its so true, even small accommodations to our gender identities can help put life’s stresses, frustrations and setbacks into perspective. This evening I went back to my local fitness center in girl mode for the first time in many months as I waited out the most recent covid spike. It was so affirming to visit with the manager, and to hear her say, “we are so glad that you’re back again!”
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Cooler temps allowed for pantyhose under jeans as the cling stimulates the mind at different times during the day. Enjoying the me time on a day off with lipstick and earing’s allows the change to happen and sharing a softer side. Thanks Hanna for your thoughts today.
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I so agree, I also love wearing sweater dresses this time of year with some cute tights and some amazing booties
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Hi Hannah
While I was reading your article on The Small Things, something that you said jumped out to me. Near the end of your article you said
A weight is lifted and a burden is sat down
How true.
My burden was that I was a closet crossdresser, living in the privacy of a motel room whenever I got the opportunity to get dressed as Missey
I went out of my way to keep my feminine side of me a secret.
While I was on vacation away from where I live and no one would know that I was a crossdresser ,I met a crossdresser and we struck up a friendship.
The weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I confessed to her that I was a crossdresser.
It was something that I should have done a lot sooner than I finally did.
I found out how much easier life was when I didn’t have to hide my secret life anymore
Now I still am careful about my feminine life and there’s only a few people who know about me being a crossdresser
I’m forever grateful for the opportunity to get the burden of my secret out in the open
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