Sometimes your day can be an endless barrage of bad news. Sometimes we can’t wait to make it to Saturday and leave the frustrating week behind us. Sometimes the year never ends.
And that is life. It is riddled with peaks and valleys, rainy days and sun.
When life is harder than normal I try to tell myself that whatever is stressing me out will pass. And sometimes I listen to myself. Of course I also tell myself that the other stiletto will drop when things are going well. I seem committed to sabotaging my happiness.
Life is big. Being alive means we are subject to whatever is happening in the world. Things outside of our control impact us and can greatly and irreversibly affect our lives. We are at the mercy of the world, at the mercy of others. It is disheartening when other people make decisions that affect us. Sometimes elections don’t go how we wish and laws are passed that hurt us. Sometimes companies issue new HR guidelines that make our jobs more difficult. To be clear, I am not necessarily speaking about girls (and boys) like us. Yes, being trans (or at the very least, non-binary) does mean our community has a target on our back in many circumstances. When I am in boy mode I never have to think twice or worry about using the restroom that aligns with my gender presentation at the moment. But when I am en femme the fear that SOMETHING could happen is always there.
I try to focus on the small things, on the things I can control. I try to remember the good things in my life and the good things in my day. Thankfully I am blessed in ways I never could have dreamed. I am thankful for the significant things in my life. A strong marriage, a nice little home, a soft bed, a fulfilling (albeit often frustrating) career. But there are the small things, too. Sometimes at the end of a long and difficult day I pull back the covers of my bed wearing a nightgown and just process the day. I try not to bring the stress of whatever transpired during the day to bed, but anxiety doesn’t always cooperate. What I tell myself (and it isn’t always easy to do so) is that if I can finish the day in a pink nightgown in a warm soft bed, well, perhaps it wasn’t such a bad day afterall. When I wake in the morning and drink coffee in leggings wrapped in a blanket I am reminded that it’s probably the best way to start a day, regardless of what I have going on.
These small moments, paired with small things like panties, leggings, and nightgowns, make the day a little more tolerable. Sometimes life can be overwhelming and the cutest pair of panties isn’t enough. When life is toooo big it’s wonderful to be able to take a break from it and spend the day en femme. To totally change who you are for a while. Wearing a new dress while getting a makeover before heading to the mall is about as far from my normal day of meetings and daily reports as it gets. I need that. I need Hannah.
I know this side of us can be a burden. I know that this is a part of us that causes a lot of stress and fear and confusion. Some of us feel cursed and wish that we didn’t feel the way we do, or think how we think. And I get that. Although I can’t relate to wishing this side of me wasn’t there, I can understand how someone like us wishes they weren’t who they are. I feel sad when I hear someone say this. Being ashamed or stressed about yourself or wanting to wear what you want to wear is a painful way to live your life. I know t-girls who prayed they would grow out of this. Thankfully many girls stop denying this side of themselves and embrace who they are. A weight is lifted and a burden is set down.
I hope you find comfort in small things. A new shade of lipstick, heels that fit, wearing a cute bra and panty set under your boy clothes. We can’t stop life from happening and the days are stressful enough as it is. Being tormented by your gender identity doesn’t help. You are who you are and I don’t believe you will grow out of this side of you. Nor do I think you should. Most people in my life could never understand how spending the day in a corset and stilettos is how I relax. Most people in my life would never get why I am spending money on lingerie. I need these small (but often expensive, lol) things in my life, in my day.
Take care, girls.