Anyway, someone commented on a post the other day and it got me thinking.
When you are dressed as HIM, (maybe/maybe not undressed) in your MIND are you HIM or are you “Hannah wearing drab clothes in public to fit in.”
Has your gender identity mindset changed over the years from your initial blog postings until now?
There are a couple of different ways I could answer this question but I have decided to, in a sense, take the long way home.
I think my mindset is always fairly consistent. Regardless of my gender presentation at any given moment I am always more or less both Hannah and The Boy. I don’t (and can’t) “shut off” either side of me. When Hannah is out and about and I get a work email I get pulled back into “his” world and reply accordingly. When The Boy is in the office and sees a coworker wearing a cute dress, Hannah is the one who admires it.
If anything it’s my response to something that are influenced by my gender presentation at the time.
In the office scenario I just mentioned HE would never EVER say “I like your dress”. I have learned that even if a comment is sincere and not flirtatious it’s always best to not comment on a girl’s appearance. She may not take it as a compliment and may find the middle-aged man noticing her outfit a little creepy.
But if Hannah saw a girl wearing a cute dress? She will (probably) say something.
On the opposite side of things if Hannah is talking to someone who is in the same line of work as The Boy she will not “talk shop”. That part of my life belongs to HIM.
I suppose most of the time I feel like… hm, well, nothing. When I am in a suit I don’t feel like I am “Hannah but in boy clothes”. The opposite is also true. I don’t feel like I am “HIM in a dress”.
This is not to say that HE and Hannah are the same person. I mean, we have the same physical body and we have different lives but that is a result of how my gender presentation at the moment impacts responds and interacts with the rest of the world.
Hannah is friendlier and has more friends than HE does. If HE was as friendly as Hannah is then I’m sure his social life would be a lot more exciting.
In my boy life I feel like I am always working whether it is actual work and chores. When Hannah is in the mirror it’s because I am doing something that, well, isn’t work. Shopping, wandering around a museum, getting coffee…
Hannah is happy, she is lighter… but not necessarily because I am happier as Hannah. Hannah just does more fun things.
Hannah also connects how she FEELS with how she LOOKS. And yes, that is shallow but it’s true. If she looks cute, she feels good, and becomes friendlier and chattier.
In boy mode I don’t feel… anything in connection to how he looks. But when Hannah has her makeup done and is wearing a cute dress she feels… amazing. Invincible. Beautiful.
Her self-esteem, her attitude, her energy is responding to how she looks. This is the same thing as THINKING and FEELING being tied to PRESENTATION. And of course, how one FEELS impacts their attitude, their interactions.
Has my perspective and thinking changed over time? Absolutely.
Well, maybe not.
When I started to wear more “real” clothes after more or less only wearing lingerie, I very much felt like HIM but in a dress. As my gender identity evolved, as my makeup skills improved, as I invested in my look (a wig, clothes that fit) Hannah emerged, she started her own life. Her own email address, social media, and friends.
As Hannah’s world grew, it felt more like Hannah and HIM were two different people. HE and SHE both reacted to things differently and she was more thoughtful and vulnerable than he was.
As time passed, these… mindsets and (I am hesitant to use this word but here I go) personalities became more entwined. HE became more thoughtful and vulnerable. Hannah became a lot more… um, reasonable, if you will, and wasn’t as influenced by The Pink Fog as much as she used to be.
Hannah became more pragmatic, HE became more patient.
The hard, dividing line between “the two of us” started to fade and we more or less share the same brain and mindset. How the two of us respond to anything is still, and will always, be determined by the gender I am presenting as.
I hope this answers the question because I don’t even know anymore. 🙂