I suspect most of us can relate, but I clearly remember the first time I wore stockings. The slow, quiet, delicate feeling of gently pulling them up my leg… my careful, trembling hand fastening the intricate lace to my garter belt…
I can recall this moment as if it had happened a few moments ago. I can recall the new perspective that five inch stilettos brought. The joy of wearing panties and realizing that they were everything I had fantasized they would be.
These joyful, intimate memories will stay with me forever. After a lifetime of femme clothes the thrill of my hands gliding a zipper up the back of a dress never fades.
Many aspects of all of THIS become, well, normal after a time. When I go out en femme I usually forget I am out en femme. Which sounds a little odd but years ago I was hyper aware I was a t-girl at the mall, a coffee shop, a museum… now I just float through my day and don’t think of myself as a t-girl. I’m just ME. I’m just HER.
But the happiness that a new dress, a new pair of heels brings will never vanish. I will always feel my soul lightening when a new outfit is reflected back in a mirror that brings out my femininity, my happiness.
And yes this might be shallow but I don’t care.
I think most of us can identify with this. I think crossdressers and t-girls can often have a different relationship with clothes, a different perspective, a different connection that some cis women have.
I want to be very careful here and I don’t want to be misunderstood. I know from time to time the conversation comes up about cis women not appreciating high heels or taking advantage of being allowed to wear a skirt every day. But I think that’s very short-sighted. When I am en femme I am wearing a cute dress and heels and amazing makeup… but if I presented as femme every day? I can’t imagine I would make the same wardrobe choices that I currently do. I am positive I would have lazy days where leggings and flip-flops would be my good-to outfit.
Presenting en femme is a tiny vacation for me, a lovely break from my boy life.
I suppose what I mean to say is that I absolutely acknowledge that the excitement I feel when I wear a bra, stockings, and corset would PROBABLY lessen if I was full-time. It takes a lot of work for Hannah to claw her way out my male presentation and being Hannah every day, all day sounds, well, exhausting.
If I am being honest I sometimes, well, forget that not every feminine presenting person will have the same perspective and reaction to the same clothes that I fantasize about. Some cis girls will see a pair of strappy stilettos and comment how on sexy they look… but also how painful they look whereas I only think of how AMAZING they are.
Wearing heels is a treat for me. AND I acknowledge that I feel this way BECAUSE they are not an option for me on a daily basis.
Does this make sense?? NONE of this is a criticism of ANYONE that isn’t excited about a miniskirt or platform heels.
As I mentioned before, I sometimes forget that a dress that I am wearing won’t always inspire the same joy in someone else. A dress is a magical thing… but for others it’s a piece of uncomfortable fabric.
All of this came to mind a few weeks ago at my most recent photo shoot. I had brought a new gown (well, new to me) and I was soooo excited to wear it. It took some doing and it didn’t fit QUITE right in ALL of the right places but with the help of Shannonlee and Alicia the zipper made it’s way up and I was enchanted with my reflection.
I felt like a girl at a wedding reception, I felt like a prom queen, I felt beautiful. I danced, I twirled, I glided across the floor. I was a princess, I was a bridesmaid, I was a movie star, I was the girl turning every head at a gala.
In my mind I wondered why anyone wouldn’t want to wear a dress like this. Why wouldn’t anyone want to feel this way? Why wouldn’t anyone want to look this way? I wanted to wear this gown forever…
But with each thought of happiness and wonder I reminded myself that if I had to wear this dress for hours and hours I would PROBABLY have a different perspective.
I love who Hannah is. Her life. Her clothes. There is a mixture of feelings I have when I (physically) leave her world. When I remove my makeup, unlace my corset, unfasten my strappy heels, and reverently put her wig back into the box. I am never sad to change back to my male presentation. Mostly it’s a feeling of gratefulness that I have Hannah, that I am Hannah. That I have the life that WE have. I am blessed to have a more beautiful world to spend a day in.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
I Could Have Danced All Night – another wonderful article by Hannah. I love her posts for they are so honest and are so relevant to most of us who love being females. I am sure I speak for most M2F people – we ALL felt and still feel as Hannah writes – we ALL love everything feminine – for various reasons – and this ” female ” sensational feeling we share will never go away.
I felt exactly the same way Hannah felt when she first wore stockings and high heels etc. – that moment changed my life forever.
Speaking for myself only – I feel the reverse effect – I feel I am cross dressing when I have to return to male clothes. I feel so real and natural dressed as a woman. I feel I am not myself dressed as a male. When dressed as a male – I can’t wait to be my true self again as a female.
How I long for a time when I can go anywhere – anytime – dressed as Deborah – and not feel I am a male.
I adore EVERYTHING feminine – all the female fashions I can wear – all the female choices – which males do not have.
I LOVE to feel my breasts inside a blouse or dress – the sway – the weight – the bounce as I walk around. When I run – it almost hurts as they bounce around – but it feels like I am a woman – and understand exactly how she feels.
I hope I do not sound arrogant when I write about my personal experiences – that is not my intent – everyone has personal experiences – which Hannah writes about so well – the opposite. I know she is ” inspiring ” all of us – to be truthful with ourselves – and be proud of who we are – or want to be.
I female dress every day and night – but with respect for my wife and young daughter so not to confuse her much – but during the day I wear leggings and a female top – which could be acceptable on a male. But 24/7 I am wearing pantyhose and a bra.
I truly am a lucky person – for I am surrounded 24/7 with our male to female Sierra Studios home business – with 2 huge rooms filled with all our female fashions – 4 female curvy mannequins dressed in sexy dresses or lingerie. One bedroom is our beauty cosmetic salon.
Again I love to get up about 4am – when all asleep – and for about 4 hours I can dress as I like – a different outfit each morning – depending on how I feel.
Like today – I just felt I wanted to be a woman dressed in sexy lingerie. So out came a purple tight corset with garter straps – and with the same feelings when I first did this – pulled up the stockings and attached to the straps. Then all the rest – heels – wig – jewelry etc. For me – finally wearing a wig – makes me feel as female as possible – I AM Deborah – a female.
Tomorrow – maybe a long formal gown – or a short sexy dress or just a casual girl in jeans. Everyday different look and feel.
I do love my life – mostly as Deborah.
Wishing everyone a great ” female ” weekend – be beautiful and always honest with yourself.
Debbie
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I agree there is something about a dress or skirt and for me a cute pair of shorts
I went to get my pedicure the other day and just love being taken care of as I sit in the chair as any women would enjoy this time
Then once I was done out shopping looking at all the wonderful choices of clothes
Yes it’s a nice feeling being a tgirl
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if you live in a warm (hot) place and are retired there are many days when you sort of “bum” along. Some of my friends ask me about going full time but for me as a male or female there are just a number of sloppy days.And that makes getting dolled up and going out even more wonderful
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I can relate to so much of what you’re saying here! I felt the same way when I was wearing my sparkly gown… I just felt so right. I don’t get why others wouldn’t feel that way. What I’m learning is that everyone has a different vision of the kind of person they want to be and they don’t understand why others have a different vision. I know many jeans and t-shirt gals who don’t understand why I love dresses so much. I also don’t understand why they love jeans and t-shirts so much (well, I assume comfort has something to do with it). Many don’t understand why I want to be a woman. I honestly don’t understand why someone would not want to be one (minus the fact that until recently, women were treated poorly and still are in many ways). I don’t get trans men… I assume many of them don’t get me. And that’s the true beauty of it… I get it because I don’t get it. Trans men want to be their true selves, just like I want to be my true self. I feel like I’m rambling on, but the point I’m trying to make is we all have different definitions of who we want to be, and it’s okay that we can’t understand why someone would want to be otherwise.
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Alicia,
Please remember that male privilege is still a thing. Men have their professional papers published at a much higher rate than women. Men are more often invited to speak at professional conference than women. Men get promoted much faster than women.
I know a trans man who as a woman could not get a paper published. Once she submitted identical ideas as a man, her work was accepted.
As much as I would like to think to the contrary, gender discrimination still exists. Many trans women do not transition at work because they have seen how women are treated.
Being a woman is more than being beautiful. The role of a woman in our society is hard work, work that t girls don’t have to do.
I liked this post, because Hannah focused on the joy of being beautiful and never mentioned it was related to being a woman. The two are not the same.
Please dress as you like, but do not claim to understand what it is to be a woman until you transition and spend your life in that role.
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I absolutely agree that male privilege exists, and am aware that women are still very poorly treated by society… there’s a reason why I carry both pepper spray and a taser in my purse, when I never did either as a male. I actually am transitioning and have been living pretty much full time for about six months now, and while I can’t claim to have felt the oppression that many women actively feel (yet… it’s only been six months), it hasn’t been all “just being beautiful” as you seem to think I (and Hannah) see it as… I’ve had to fight like hell to get my name changed at work, have had people tell me via private messages to “join the 41% (of trans people who attempt suicide),” and have been doxed by hate groups, forcing me to come out much quicker than I was ready for. Check out Hannah’s t-girl spotlight for my story, and hopefully you’ll realize it hasn’t just all sunshine and pretty dresses for me.
One thing I take exception to that you said was that t-girls “don’t have to do the hard work in our society.” That’s a shortsighted and very ignorant statement that shows that you only equate t-girls to men who wear dresses at home and do nothing else… but that’s just not the truth. Even for someone like Hannah, who isn’t transitioning, it’s not just all pretty dresses and photo shoots… even on this blog, she takes part in advocating for the LGBTQ+ community, helping trans women of all types find community through things like the MN T-Girls, and inspires many who do way more than just “dressing how they like.” If you can’t see that, please read around her blog a little bit before you assume that any of us just see being a woman as getting to wear cute dresses.
It’s important to stand up for women, but also make sure that you’re not just making a bunch of assumptions about someone’s journey and attacking them behind an anonymous screen name because you have no idea what their life is really like 😘
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I wonder if my experience or your’s is really all that much different from other women. The prom dress, the bride’s maid dress, the formal dinner attire are all exceptional opportunities to deliberately go all out. Obviously, many women enjoy these events as much as we might, given the chance, because entire industries are built up around meeting the demand.
As much as any of us, I get a kick out of getting dressed to the nines and looking as good as I can. But honestly, I equally enjoy being able to dress and present myself to the everyday world. I live in a resort community and at any given moment I see women in all sorts of casual wear, from flip flops to heels, from sweatshirts to something more stylish. I feel like my choices are pretty wide open on a day to day basis.
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Another very engaging post Hannah. Thank you. A lovely image too and a beautiful opportunity – everything really is very much relevant to the moment though isn’t it?
I do not feel crossdressed if I am not wearing stockings and a suspender belt.
The key part, as you alluded to, is the rolling of the stockings up each leg, then attaching them to the garter, sliding the loop over and pulling it down so tight.
It is a deeply intimate moment for me and I have always dressed in total silence – I cannot have the intimacy affected by any noise whatsoever.
Whereas, for quite some time, I would touch the suspender strap through my trousers, wearing lingerie feels more and more normal in the (closeted) few opportunities I now have available to me post pandemic, the last two and a half years having had the biggest single affect on the extent of my ability to let Fiona simply be – for a while at least.
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I used to accompany my wife to various gala events. She would use them as opportunities to meet rich potential clients. I tried so hard to enjoy looking handsome in my suits and ties but I would end up admiring all the women’s outfits and I would start to feel bitter and excluded from something that I knew would give me so much joy. Why couldn’t I put together a pretty outfit with lovely heels, makeup, hairstyle and jewelry? Why couldn’t I revel in all the attention and flattering comments about my elegant feminine outfit? I simply cannot attend these events anymore without feeling sad for myself.
Thank goodness for the MN T girls! They fill the void I felt from those galas!
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The thrill is never gone was such a great article. The pink fog came back to me after a short absence with your description of how the mind works. Love sharing your journey, and your thoughts are greatly admired.
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Hannah,
As a t-girl who has had both surgeries and am full time female(since January 2018) I can tell you that from my experience the thrill never goes away. I love trying to decide what outfit to wear even if I’m just going for a walk or to the store. I do what I can to be as feminine as possible despite being 76 years old.
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I feel the same while dressed-how wonderful the feeling is, but don’t you often feel to be dressed more and more as Hannah?
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I’ve had the same thoughts when hearing co-workers or lady friends complaining of having to wear (skirts, heels, pantyhose, etc. ) when I would so desperately want to wear them without judgement but I suppose you are right, Its the choice that we have vs. the necessity. If we were forced to wear heels everyday would it still provide the same feelings I often wonder? My wife is fascinated that when she gets home off goes the “work clothes” but often for me “on go the heels”. Its a strange dichotomy for certain but I guess its just who we are after all. Thak you again for such a lovely post.
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