Torn

Some of us want to burn down any wall between BOY and/or GIRL.

Some of us want to eliminate the men’s department and the women’s department in a store. Display the neckties right next to panties next to the football jerseys next to hosiery. Who cares. Let’s revolutionize and start over.

I mean, what would we wear if we weren’t told what we were SUPPOSED to wear? What if the anatomy between our legs didn’t dictate what we were SUPPOSED to wear for our entire lives and for everything we do, whether it’s for what we wear to work or what we wear to sleep?

On the other hand, some of us want to preserve the binary. We love that pink represents femininity. We love that skirts are “for girls”. We love that panties are keeping us connected to our femme selves.

And I get it. I see, and to an extent I “agree” with both perspectives. I like being able to wear a super pink dress and just turn my feminine presentation to 11. I like looking as femme as possible. BUT I also hate that I can’t leave my house in boy mode wearing leggings and a knee length cardigan without drawing a few pointed fingers. Really, why are some things “for girls”? If men tried on leggings I swear to God within a week every dude in the world would be wearing them.

And yes I shouldn’t care if I am pointed at because of what I am wearing. And I don’t. BUT there’s a difference between (at least for me) being en femme and being in boy mode wearing “girl clothes”. Hannah is not as recognizable. But HE is. If HE were to bump into a co-worker or a family member or someone my wife knows while I am wearing “girl clothes”, then it becomes a little awkward. My wife would likely get texts asking why her husband is wearing, well, whatever he is wearing.

I do not want to put my wife through conversations and situations and change any relationship dynamics she has because of me, because of what I am wearing. All of a sudden she is the girl with the weird husband that wears skirts.

It would be nice if everyone on the planet was enlightened when it came to gender identity but that’s not the case. The reality is that there are people in our lives that we care about and want to maintain peace with, even if we see gender presentation differently from each other.

The same goes for me. I had a boss that required the two of us to have a productive and cooperative partnership at work. We had to work well together. BUT this particular person and I completely disagreed on everything you could think of. If he only knew. And if he DID know, then it would fundamentally change everything at work. He was a vindictive, petty man. If he didn’t like you, regardless of your work performance, he’d find a legal way to fire you. That was that.

In this example keeping my gender identity to myself was, in a way, key to keeping my job.

And! I often asked myself why on earth would I want to work for someone, with someone, like that? It’s a fair question. For the most part I liked the job and I really needed to keep that job. I suppose it was a compromise. It wasn’t one I was comfortable with. I felt I was being a hypocrite and I was… justifying tolerating working with someone like that. And to some extent I was.

More than likely we will work with or be related to people we don’t see eye to eye with. Not everyone will have the same values or perspectives that we ourselves do. It happens. I have family members and colleagues that don’t have the same viewpoint on the LGBTQ+ community as I have. I work for a college and even some of my students don’t have the same views as I do. I can’t simply refuse to help them because of that. Not if I want to keep my job, anyway.

Again, this is more or less a compromise. And it’s not one I am always comfortable with. I would love to cut all toxic people out of my life but it’s just not realistic. And it’s also not fair to my wife. There are people in both of our families that I would be happy with never speaking to again, but that’s not possible if I want to “keep the peace”. Again, it’s a compromise.

Goodness I got off-track.

I am myself torn between “clothes for girls” and “who cares, clothes are for everyone”.

Sometimes when I am en femme I feel a certain joy in dressing as traditionally as feminine as possible. To be immersed in GIRL and BEAUTY and FEMININTY. Sure, some of my lingerie is designed for people with my body and the anatomy that I have and it arguably fits better than lingerie for cisgender girls but dammit, sometimes I want to wear “girl panties”, not “boy panties”.

And I think everyone reading this understands the difference.

Immerse. Yes, that’s the perfect word for the feeling.

BUT sometimes I hate the genderization of clothes and cosmetics. Why can’t I wear leggings or a skirt in boy mode? Why is it weird for a boy to paint his nails?

I mean, I know it’s because “traditional” gender norms. I swear the most damaging thought when it comes to progress is “but that’s the way we’ve always done it”.

Sometimes I get… annoyed that I can’t decide which of those options I would prefer. Fortunately it’s not something I will ever have to decide. I mean, it’s not like the decision will ever fall to me. And it’s not like this “dilemma” will ever work itself out in my lifetime.

I may not be able to make this decision for the world, but I can make it for myself and I suppose that’s enough.

Love, Hannah