Detty identifies as a crossdresser who lives in Switzerland. She runs the really amazing website Femidity, a website that has a purpose is to support crossdressers who would like to spend time en femme, but have no possibility at home or who are not confident or passable enough to dress in public. This includes tall people (like myself) where the nice feminine illusion is harder to achieve, and also people who are only beginning to experiment with their female looks.
I think you’ll agree that not only is Detty gorgeous, but her website as well. It’s full of great conversations as well as fashion, shopping and make up tips. Detty is confident with who she is and how she identifies.
I’ve exchanged quite a few emails with her and I’ve always been struck by how smart and sophisticated and confident she is. I asked if she wouldn’t mind writing up a short introduction and then answering a few questions.
Thank you Detty!
My name is Detty Berta. I am a married father and a crossdresser in my mid-30s. I live and work for long years now in Switzerland, heart of Europe, but I grew up in Eastern Europe. I have been dressing on and off and to more or to less extent all my life. I am regularly dressing since about a year or so, and I also took this time to come up with a complete look for Detty, which I can fully produce myself in reasonable time and in hopefully acceptable quality. When I do not have a chance to dress I write and publish on my website http://femidity.ch. It is aiming to become a lively and colourful magazine for crossdresser and trans people. There are blog kind entries, feelings, reviews, tips and tricks and a lot of philosophy about crossdressing. My aim is to show how normal crossdressing is and in how many ways it can integrate into daily life, and I try to add a twist and a bit of self-irony as spice to my posts.
Thank you Hannah for this interview and for the chance to introduce myself on your website.
There are many terms that girls like us identify with. How do you identify? Has this changed over the years?
I am one of those who have no problem with the word crossdresser and I identify with that term. In my definition the crossdresser wants to express a feminine part of male personality by creating a sophisticated and natural female look, which could qualify for the everyday looks of a genetic girl. The crossdresser is aiming to create a flawless image of a genuine woman without exaggeration or over emphasis of any trait associated with the female gender. Dressing in this category is not one to one associated with arousal or seeking of sexual pleasure. I am not saying there is no sexual element to it, but it is certainly not primary.
Earlier, because I got to know the word crossdresser fairly late when the internet broadly penetrated the Eastern part of Europe, I thought of myself as a transvestite, which I do not do anymore. If I see a very nicely created ultra-feminine look, which does not relate to how women usually present themselves in real life, I would call the person a transvestite or a fetishist, and not a crossdresser.
How out are you to the people in your life?
Now this is a recent and significant change. For most of my life I was hiding this side of my personality. It took me 35 years to realize that needed to change. My wife did know actually from very close to when we went steady in high school, but no one else. Approximately a year back from now I came out to a very close male friend. He understood and had no problems with it. It was a great relief after so long time of silence and separation of thoughts and minds. Quite schizophrenic really, but I had this stable public image of being and only being a “normal” guy for decades. The outing catalysed a lot and the last year was wonderful. I have outed to a handful of individuals (and via them the spouses), but from only to the closest and very much selected individuals. I am open with my beautician, which is also very rewarding. So far I got only acceptance back, some even kind of found it cool. It did deepen all of these relationships and being able to talk about it outside my partnership helped me also a lot to relate to crossdressing.
I am also totally out to the world via http://femidity.ch. I launched the website in November 2014, which I could have not done without doing the first two outings. I remember second time I was dead nervous. Anyway the website is very personal and extrovert. Not because people can relate my male identity to Detty, but it still shows me as a crossdressing person to a very great depth.
Is there much difference between you and your male persona?
My wife would probably say I as a woman am just as a man. She would mean goal oriented, a stayer who will keep regularly investing and expecting results in exchange. I am also creative regardless which side is at work. I drew a lot earlier times, mainly cartoons, which I do not do now. But instead I really enjoy working with photography and images. My site is quite vivid and colourful. Both personas share a deep affection towards color. My male shirt and tie philosophy is I simply stay away from white and light blue shirts, they are totally dull and boring, not worth buying. I experiment with shirt and tie color combinations, pushing the limits, and anything not eye catching and extraordinary I do not buy or wear. My style of writing is the same. I write like spoken language is. The sentences are rolling, sometimes not respecting all the rules. Aaaand sentences do start with “and” or “but”, and there is not always an “and” before the last element of a list.
So we are quite Siamese with Detty, which made me realized, it is not a fetish, but my female part is emerging. I also can be more feminine in my male roles, do not need to repress or divide. But I am far from having got to know her fully, obviously spent more time with my male self until lately.
I’d be interested to know a little more about you in terms of the early days. At what point did you realize this wasn’t simply a phase?
There was no realization, unless the realization of a young boy, just coming fully to his senses, that this thing will just not be accepted. One of my very first memories, could have been between three and five relate to desires to dress. Actually to paint my nails. I do not have any remembrance of conflicts or somebody forbidding me to have such unearthly thoughts, but the implied gender code with a bit of Church and religion blended in did the work and I kept my desires for myself. And was trying not to get into trouble when I could not resist.
Later on I got into the habit of buying one-two feminine items, use them for a while, but keep them hidden, then purge. The purging cycle went on through my teens. I was (am) very tall, so at some point I even gave up on ever finding right size shoes and clothes. But hurray, the internet came and I suddenly found everything. I also realized I am not even a bit special with my crossdressing and that people in the happier parts of the world have been dealing with dressing for decades.
What do you think is the hardest about being trans?
Society and this nonsense binary, sex equals gender and gender equals sexual orientation schema. It is shocking to see even now in 2015 how much disruptive rejection can be received upon any and even the slightest deviation. Dysphoria of gender dysphoria. There are more advanced and tolerant parts of the world and there are a lot of places, where this “thing” would simply not fly. I am also lucky living now and not being born a century ago, because most probably suppression and denial would have been the only choice I could make. And I hope the fun just starts here and now and that in a decade from now gender will not be a topic any more, we will just be people and do what we like and in the clothes we like.
I know many crossdressers do get into disruptive situations in their lives, losing marriages, family and friends. I always wonder how this totally harmless desire can cause such uncertainty and many times rejection with anger in some people when they are confronted with it.
What is the best?
A crossdresser is more than just a man. Is more sensitive, sees and reacts to a broader part of the spectrum the world has to offer, and understands society better, including women. I have a very genuine own way to express myself also as a woman. The natural and liberating feeling it gives makes me a better person, a better father, a better husband, even a better employee. I hope someday crossdressing will be celebrated as a talent, like if you are good in arts or playing an instrument. I would love to be some day referred to as a talented and successful male professional, as well as a classy and very sophisticated woman.