Passing Thoughts

There’s no question that we are people who evolve.

We evolve and grow and and change in many ways.  Ten years ago I identified as a crossdresser.  I mean, I still do, but transgender is definitely the word I use these days.  To me, all of… this is more than just about what clothes I like to wear.

Our looks evolve, too.  The more we do out makeup, the better we get at blending our foundation and applying eyeliner to our waterline.  The more we strut in stilettos, the more graceful we become.  The more we wear that dress that shows off our fabulous legs, the more confident we get.

If these two photos below do not represent my own personal evolution, I don’t what does.

 

Our perspective can change as well.  When we were in our teens perhaps we thought (or hoped) that this was a phase.  We were not comfortable with this side of us.  But as we get older, we learn that this is who we are.  Hopefully with this epiphany we soon learn to accept and embrace this part of us.

Lately I have been thinking about the eternal quest that many t-girls have.  Although I think ‘passing’ is arbitrary and there are no standards one must have or achieve to “look like a girl”, I understand and can relate to how looking a certain way is so appealing.  I love how I look, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I had smaller hands or shoulders that were a little less broad.

Holding yourself to a set of standards, or letting others hold a set a standards to you, should never prevent you from presenting in the real world as the gender you identify as.  If I waited to “pass” I’d still be in sitting in my living room waiting until my hands shrunk.  Letting go of these expectations will free you and you will never look back.

My core beliefs on passing are still unchanging, but there is another reason why some of us want to pass.

Survival.

That sounds fatalistic and dramatic, but it’s absolutely true. Transwomen who “look like” ciswomen have a lesser chance of being “clocked” as transgender.  We all know that being transgender opens us up to being laughed at, ridiculed, mocked, and worse.  When we go out into the real world, we may have certain goals in mind, such as finding a pair of heels, or wanting to go out to dinner en femme, but usually not being harassed is among those objectives.

I know I am transgender, and so does everyone I encounter when I leave the house.  I have friends who are also transgender who fit the expectations that many people think women “should look like”.  They aren’t six feet tall and they have softer features, for example.  The have different experiences than I do.  They blend in better.  Camouflage, in a way.

But I stand out.  I know I do.  Since I will never pass, I go the opposite direction.  I wear the brightly colored dress, I wear eye-catching floral patterns, and the heels I wear don’t do me in any favors in trying to blend in.  This is what I mean when I say I embrace who I am.

The hill I will die on is that we are all beautiful and none of us are too tall, too old, too… anything to be beautiful.  None of us are too masculine to be a girl.  Personally I want to be as pretty and as feminine as I can be, but these are expectations and standards that I have set for myself, not by anyone else.  I stopped letting any sort of expectations hold me back from doing anything I want, whether it is modeling or going out for coffee.  I hope you do the same.

It’s unfortunate and heartbreaking that we have to take into consideration the connection between our presentation and safety, but that is the world we live in.

Be safe, be gorgeous.

Love, Hannah