The Fetishization of Crossdressing

I believe that most people think a lot of kinks and fetishes are weird.

I mean, if you think it’s hot when a girl wears stilettos or a leather skirt that’s one thing. Those are pretty… hm, common things to be attracted to? I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that most straight dudes think a pretty girl wearing a tight skirt is attractive. I think most guys would understand and agree if one of their buddies told them that they think girls in high heels are hot.

When someone has a kink or a fetish that is oddly specific that’s when things can get a LITTLE out of the ordinary. For a while I had a guy who emailed me on the regular asking if I would wear a very specific type of dress for a photo shoot. I mean, I get these requests from time to time but they are usually along the lines of “wear a schoolgirl skirt” and “wear a latex dress”. I mean, I would love to wear a latex dress but girl, they are expensive. If you want me to wear one, then buy me one, lol.

The dress he requested wasn’t “sexy” in the traditional sense. I don’t want to get into toooo much detail as I don’t want to call him out but for the life of me I couldn’t understand why this dress was so alluring to him. A French Maid dress? Yes, I get that, but the one he kept asking about? I couldn’t figure it out and the more he requested it and the more in detail he got in describing it the weirder it became. I became pretty uncomfortable after a bit and thankfully he has since backed off.

Again, consent is necessary for anything sexual.

Sometimes I get invited to add a photo to a group on Flickr. Most of the time the groups are along the line of “t-girls in pretty dresses” or something like that. Something pretty broad and general. But other times the group is very, very specific like “t-girls who hold their purse in the crook of their arm” or something like that. It’s like… why is that hot for you??

I don’t spend too much time thinking about why someone thinks something is arousing. I mean, I don’t WANT to think about it in the first place, but I also know there’s usually not a reason why someone thinks something is erotic. It’s usually just how someone is wired.

I grew up knowing that although wearing girl clothes wasn’t wrong, I also knew it wasn’t something most boys did. It was ingrained in me at a very early age to hide this part of me. When I was five and entered kindergarten the WORST thing a boy could do was doing ANYTHING that a girl did. If you colored with a pink crayon or jumped rope then you were teased. Mercilessly.

We have a need to belong, to have friends, to be part of a community. We are not meant to isolate from the rest of the world (at least not for very long). We need collaboration, cooperation, and to socialize.

Being ostracized from the other kids in your class was traumatic. No one wanted to be left out.

So, I learned really early to not do anything that could lead to this. I learned to pretend to like certain television shows or to play sports that I had no interest in doing. I went along with the crowd. I assimilated.

And yes, hiding my crossdressing was part of that.

It still is.

When most people get their first exposure to crossdressing it’s usually portrayed for laughs or in a sexual way. If a boy ripped his pants in a cartoon and the tear revealed he was wearing pink panties with hearts on them it was meant to be HILARIOUS. As we grew older and our entertainment became more adult we would see movies that sometimes showed a man wearing lingerie as a kink or again, for laughs.

This annoyed me.

I would see things like this and for a split-second feel… hm, represented? But then it would quickly turn into a comedic or sexual scene. And not “sexy”, more like… creepy.

I didn’t like how crossdressing was portrayed. I’m not saying it needed to be shown as some sort of dramatic moment, but I would have loved to have seen crossdressing as something more… subtle, I guess? Like how groundbreaking would it be see to a television show where the husband and wife get ready to sleep and he changes from a suit into a black nightgown and…. that was it.

This sexualization made my life more complicated. Whenever I came out to someone I had to make sure they knew that THIS wasn’t a kink. I had to acknowledge that YES, to SOME it is INDEED a fetish but for me it was just what I wore. It was exhausting to come out since so much of “the talk” focused on what crossdressing WASN’T (at least to me). And to be fair, to most people their experiences with “men wearing lingerie” was almost always portrayed as kinky so it’s not surprising that someone had that assumption.

Look, I am very sex positive. I think a healthy sex life is very beneficial. I am not here (or anywhere) to kink-shame. If this is a fetish to you, awesome. If a t-girl holding her purse in the crook of her arm turns you on, enjoy this picture:

My point is that the sexualization of who we are and what we wear will forever complicate our lives and impede acceptance of who we are. I’ve written before about how I am terrified of being outed as a crossdresser more than I am terrified of being outed as a t-girl and that is solely based on the misconception of what *this* side of someone is about. As sexually charged our society is, it’s really odd to see how repressed we are. We giggle and become squeamish about sex.

I do admit I overthink about most things in my life, but am I alone in this? Does the sexualization and fetishism of crossdressing irritate anyone else? Did you have to “unpack” crossdressing as a kink when you’ve come out to someone as well?

Love, Hannah

Kinkiness and Crossdressing

There’s is nothing wrong with most fetishes or kinks provided that they don’t hurt someone else (emotionally or physically) and if they require participation of someone else they have that person’s consent.

If I shut off certain parts of my brain, I can understand the appeal of most kinks and fetishes. They may not be for me, but I can usually see the attraction to it. Of course, there are some (that will be unnamed) that I will never for the life of me understand. And that is okay. I don’t get why some people enjoy watching professional bowling on television either, so there you go.

Many of us are sexually aroused by what we do. This could be someone getting turned on by they themselves wearing lingerie or a person fetishizing a girl like me. Although there’s not a drop of sexual pleasure I derive from dressing up, I mostly get the sexual aspect of allll this.

I am not here to kink shame anyone You do you, promise, but leave me out of it, bestie.

It’s sometimes… fascinating to see the polar opposites that being transgender can have. On one end we have the sexual/kinkiness of dressing up, on the opposite we have the activism side as we fight for our rights. And then there’s everything in-between.

I call myself an accidental activist because I’ve accepted that being transgender is often politicized. As much as the world needs changing I don’t feel that I am the right person to lead that movement. I feel I can create a greater impact on showing the world that transgender people are just people living their lives when I am simply out of the house en femme.

I’ve also accepted that I will forever receive unsolicited photos and emails and direct messages of dudes looking to hook up and to tell me how much they love “trannies”.

It’s ALMOST amusing to check my emails in the morning and see messages that cover both the “u r sexy” variety and the news alerts about potential legislation to hurt our community.

It’s like… much of the world hates us but we turn them on, too.

Anyway.

I have been fortunate to work with a lot of designers and business that support our community who make clothes and products for people like myself. I work for? with? En Femme and I love writing and modeling for them. I choose to partner with them because I think their clothes are super cute and they are simply a joy to work with. I do product reviews for the Breast Form Store and Glamorous Corset and have also written and modeled for Xdress and Glamour Boutique. I love this. It’s not only super fun but I also like to bring attention to businesses that truly support us, not just businesses that change their Twitter logo during Pride month.

However not every business that designs products for the trans community is for me. There are businesses that design panties with wider leg holes or more room in the shoulder area for girls with my body type. There are designers that make lingerie or breast forms for my anatomy. But there are also businesses that specifically focus on the sexual and fetishy aspect of crossdressing. Again, there’s nothing wrong with this and I’m sure that silicone vaginas and lifelike masks (and goodness some of them are VERY lifelike) are a godsend to some of us out there.

I am contacted from time to time from businesses like these who ask about partnerships or advertising on my website. I am happy to promote businesses that I feel align with my perspectives but I don’t see myself adding advertisements to my blog. This is not a criticism of those girls who DO, mind you, it’s just not something that I see happening.

I don’t want to be a bitch and call any business out, mind you. I don’t want to stigmatize “crossdressing as a kink” in any way. Again, someone’s kink should be a private thing that I have noooo business in knowing about. Don’t need to know, don’t WANT to know.

The countless photos of myself on my website probably suggest otherwise, but I will never claim to be more important than I know I am. I am a raindrop in the transgender ocean. That being said, I don’t think of myself as a spokeswoman or any sort of authority when it comes to crossdressing. There are many parts of identifying as non-cisgender that I have no experience in. I don’t know what it’s like to transition or take hormones. I also don’t have experience in the “crossdressing is a kink” world, either.

For those of you who do indeed associate all of *this* with sexual arousal, what is your take on products that are meant to… ah, enhance the kinkiness of what we do and of who we are? Are you glad to be able to buy masks and things along that line?

Love, Hannah

Let’s Talk About Catfishing

Like many terms in our little world, such as “passing”, “being read” and “clocking”, catfishing means something other than what you’d think it would.

‘Catfishing’, or ‘fishing’, is used a lot more broadly than it used to. According to Urban Dictionary, it’s defined as the phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships (over a long period of time).

But for a while it was used to describe a t-girl who really, ah, enjoyed “tricking” cisgender heterosexual men into them thinking they were a cisgender girl. Usually the reveal occurred during an intimate moment, if you know what I mean.

I’ve always hated this. And here’s why!

First of all, there’s no such thing as what a girl should look like, whether she is transgender or cisgender. Girls can be tall or have a penis or need to shave their face. Catfishing typically involves a t-girl looking SO FEMININE that men are duped into thinking that she is a cisgender girl. Look, I understand and can relate to wanting to dress and present as feminine as someone possibly can. I attempt this with every outfit I wear and with every makeover I get. But I do what I do and wear what I wear because this is how I want to look and how I want to dress. I don’t think any of us needs to meet certain standards to be feminine, to be a girl, to be pretty.

Secondly, intentionally deceiving people is not a good look for the trans community. Some haters like to think that transwomen are trying to deceive men into thinking they are cisgender. And to be fair, that’s kind of what catfishing is. But I don’t think most transwomen are trying to deceive anyone.

This is also potentially very dangerous for someone to do. When we come out to someone we never really know how they will react. Someone learning that the cute girl they are in bed with has a penis could turn violent. There are too many stories of men getting angry when they learn that they are talking with a transwoman when they believed they were speaking with a cisgender girl. In situations like this it’s not uncommon for someone to use the “gay panic defense”. Citing Wikipedia, this is when a defendant claims to have acted in a state of violent, temporary insanity, committing assault or murder, because of unwanted same-sex sexual advances, typically from men. A defendant may allege to have found the same-sex sexual advances so offensive or frightening that they were provoked into reacting, were acting in self-defense, were of diminished capacity, or were temporarily insane, and that this circumstance is exculpatory or mitigating.

Again, I absolutely understand and can relate to wanting to look as femme as possible. But how I present is 1000000% about ME. I don’t dress for anyone else. I don’t dress to pass or to blend in. I don’t care if anyone “knows” I am transgender and it’s not a compliment if someone thinks that I am cisgender.

Finally, catfishing has an element of competition to it as well. Some t-girls and crossdressers who catfish sometimes gloat about how successful they are in tricking men and can criticize others for not looking “fishy” enough. Can we stop doing this? Can we stop competing with each other? Can we stop bringing others down?

We’re all in this together. We always have been, and we will always need to be, now more than ever.

Stay safe, stay pretty, support each other.

Love, Hannah

Truth or Dare

Crossdressing is sometimes portrayed as a challenge.

No, this isn’t about the challenge of trying to find the right foundation to cover up our stupid facial hair, this is about the… crossdressing DARES that we see online from time to time.

Do you know what I’m talking about? They seem to be mostly aimed at the “crossdressing is a kink” crossdresser (not that there is anything wrong with that).

These challenges are usually broken down into steps with the first “challenge” being something rather small and progressively becoming more advanced and tend to push people out of their comfort zone.

Not that this is a bad thing. This is EXACTLY what building up the courage to go out en femme requires. Baby steps. If they are thoughtful and well written, they can be immensely helpful when it comes to providing… ah, step-by-step guidance as to what you do first, what comes next, and so on.

These challenges almost always concentrating on what I call the practical side of crossdressing, such as focusing on clothes and heels and makeup. Which can be important! I think they are! However, they usually skip over the emotional and psychological aspects that crossdressing and presenting en femme usually requires.

What I mean is that it’s easy to find a wig, but often the wrong wig can trigger dysphoria. There are countless dresses that will fit us, but if we don’t like how we look in them it can be hard to feel that yes, we CAN be, and that we ARE beautiful. We can follow along with a makeup tutorial on Youtube, but if the products used aren’t right for our face shape or skin type we probably won’t look like the supermodel that we were expecting.

These disappointments can trigger a lot of negative feelings and frustrations and hopelessness.

In a lot of ways the practical sides to crossdressing are a zillion times easier than the psychological parts. Essentially a dress can fit, the heels can be comfortable, but if we don’t FEEL cute, if we FEEL we look “too male”, the clothes don’t matter at all.

Does that make sense? I hope so because I don’t know how to explain it differently.

Sometimes the challenges are a “point system” where you award yourself points for the different tasks you complete. Once the points are added up you can find out how much of a sissy you are, or whatever. Again, these tend to be mostly kinky in nature with wearing panties is worth one point but dressing up in teeny-tiny schoolgirl skirt while having anonymous sex with a stranger in the backseat of his 1993 Honda is worth ten points or something.

It’s sometimes jarring at how quickly the sexual nature of these challenges can escalate. The first challenge is tiny and innocent, but then all of a sudden you are getting dared to put on a frilly pink French Maid dress and having a gangbang at a truck stop.

I tended to score very low on these. And I have nooooo problem with that.

Like other things out there, these lists can be fun but also play up the sexual aspect of crossdressing. Again, there’s not anything wrong with that. But many of us dress how we do for so many reasons and kinkiness isn’t even relevant. There’s the fantasy aspect of this for some of us but for some this isn’t our truth.

From time to time I think about writing my own version of something like this, but I think the “challenges” would be, well, not fun. It’s easy to dare someone to buy a cute bra, it’s another thing to actually do it. Buying a bra is not as easy as it sounds, even if you’ve been wearing one for years. Cup size and band size are too be considered, and there are different bras for different outfits and different bodies and different, well, GOALS, I suppose.

But I suppose this is how ANYTHING is. Telling someone how to change a tire SOUNDS easy but, well, it’s NOT. Everything is easier said than done.

I am also hesitant to write something like along the lines of “instructions” because we all have different goals when it comes to this side of us. When someone asks me “how do I crossdress?”, I struggle with how to respond because, well, crossdressing could be as simple as painting your nails or as time-consuming and expensive as hair removal, breast forms, thigh pads, a $90 makeover, an expensive wig, and a killer dress with matching heels. It’s kind of up to you.

And! Step-by-step doesn’t always work for each of us. Our journeys are not linear or identical to everyone else (which is a tiny reminder that we shouldn’t measure our progress or self-worth in comparison to anyone).

I know I often sound like a wet blanket when it comes to crossdressing. I focus a lot on the reality of this side of us which can be a buzzkill. But please know that I absolutely understand that expressing our femme identity or wearing what we want (for any reason) is important AND I think it is really super fun. Yes, it’s a lot of physical work to shave and wiggle into a dress and cinch my corset and strut all day in stilettos, but it’s SO MUCH FUN. I love it. I love every minute of spending the day en femme. I love getting ready. I love shopping for clothes and wearing new panties for the first time. The magic is always there.

I suppose these challenges and the idea of awarding points is similar to thinking about what we SHOULD be, what we SHOULD look like, and so on. It’s easy to look at a list like these and feel that we are not femme or brave enough if we’ve only done half of the “challenges” and the rest feels intimidating.

Sometimes these “challenges” include something along the lines of “tricking” a guy at a bar that you are a “real” girl. UGH. So many things are wrong with that. There’s no such thing as a “real” girl. I KNOW that this is referring to “fooling” someone that they are a cis gender girl but girls are girls, trans or not. And! you don’t need validation from some loser drinking beer at some stupid bar. A guy being attracted to me isn’t a victory, in my opinion. It’s not the compliment that we are led to believe.

Listen. This side of us is super fun and amazing but it’s also some of the most difficult parts of our lives, especially on the emotional side of who we are. We don’t need to make it any harder by measuring our progress and what we do or what we wear against some silly list or by comparing ourselves with anyone else.

And yes, like changing a tire, this is easier said than done. Sometimes I feel cute but then I feel absolutely monstrous in comparison when I see photos of Heidi Phox or Farrah Moan.

On the flip side I do feel like a supermodel when I look at a recent photo of myself and compare it to a picture from a few years ago.

But maybe that’s the point?? Maybe we need to focus on our own personal growth and be happy with any progress we make, no matter how small or how long it takes.

Love, Hannah

Why Having a Crossdressing Husband is the Most Stressful Thing EVER

Okay, fasten your garter belts, this is a loooong one.

Look, if I have a, hm, a mission statement when it comes to my website is that I try to be supportive, realistic, and honest. I feel I am fairly self-aware and not oblivious to how who we are impacts our lives and the relationships that we have, particularly the relationships we have with our significant others. I want to be sincere and real when it comes to this side of us, whether it’s how humbling and how wonderful who we are is, or how to accept that passing isn’t real and that the world loves us and hates us more than we could possibly imagine.

This side of us is complicated. It doesn’t always make our life or our relationships any easier. I am not saying it can’t or won’t, but I think we all can relate to how our gender identity likely caused some stress and tension and uncertainty at some point in our lives.

It can also create, for lack of a better term, an identity crisis. Most of us wonder who we are at some point in our journey. Am I a crossdresser? Am I transgender? Am I gay? Am I a lesbian when I am en femme? Am I in denial? Is this is a phase? Oh, this list goes on.

Questions about identity and labels can be confusing and overwhelming. It’s typical to overthink them. I know I do. It’s normal to not care about labels but the next day we are back to pondering which label suits us best and what that label means.

And goodness, this is stressful, but this is a side of us that has likely always been there. We may be comfortable and confident with who we are. It may have taken decades but at some point we will likely get to a place, mentally and emotionally, where we are secure with who we are in terms of gender identity. In some instances we have adapted to the stress and have learned to live with it.

But as stressful at this is for us, it’s… it’s a lot for our significant others. No matter how often I assured my wife that I did not want to transition, it took a long, long, long time for her to see that I didn’t want to take that step. And the time it took for her to be at peace with who I am also came with fears, doubts, and tears.

Not only do I try to be realistic about this side of us when it comes to clothes and how we present and the expectations and hopes and dysphoria that who we are brings, I also try to be realistic when it comes to how our gender identity can impact our relationship with our significant others.

I get emails from partners of crossdressers who have fears and questions. These emails may even come from YOUR wife. It’s not uncommon to read an email that begins with “my husband reads your website” or to see that someone found my site by searching the words “my husband crossdresses”.

I do my best to be gentle. I try to be sincere and kind. Rose-colored panties YES, rose-colored glasses NO. Sugar coating this side of us does little good. I can recall when my wife looked for support and resources when it came to her trying to understand this side of me. The internet wasn’t much help and often amplified her fears. Yes, I told her that this wasn’t a sexual thing, but Google “helpfully” provided her with dating websites about hooking up with a crossdresser. Thanks, internet.

Sometimes the search results come off as tooooo light-hearted and naïve to be helpful. I wrote about this recently and it inspired me to try to write a similar list with hopefully a little more of a realistic perspective.

The purpose of this list is to acknowledge that this side of one’s significant other is likely going to be stressful, overwhelming, and confusing, to say the least. Our partners have questions, fears, and a lot of thoughts and emotions about who we are. It does little good to downplay any of these things. I am going to be as honest and as gentle as I can in this little (well, it’s not little at all) list as I can be.

This is also the longest thing I have ever written in MY LIFE. This post has been compiled by the many emails I have received over the years from wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancées, partners, and significant others. This took a long time to write and organize and variations of many of these questions have been posted on my website previously. Rest assured every question here has been previously asked of me over the years, although they may not have been posted before.

A couple of things:

-I can only speak for myself, my perspective, and my experience. My thoughts are based off my life as a trans person as well as from my marriage. Your relationship is YOUR relationship and I would never presume to be THE voice of authority when it comes to relationships, crossdressing, or when these two worlds collide. If you’d like my wife’s perspective on all of this, she did a little question and answer post here.

-I will absolutely encourage a partner of a crossdresser to seek our support if you need it, and you probably will. This part of your life can be very lonely. It’s not something that you may feel comfortable discussing with your friends. You may feel embarrassed that your big, tough husband who likes to hunt and fish also likes to wear panties. This is a normal feeling. I promise. A wonderful resources is PFLAG who offer support groups for people who have a family member who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

-Oh, I guess another thing. I am speaking in very, very broad terms here. I know that many relationships are positively impacted by *this* side of a person. There are many instances where this can bring two people closer together. And that’s wonderful! This can often happen. However, this list is for our partners who are struggling with coming to terms with this side of us.

-Wait! One more thing. This post may come off as a little harsh on crossdressers. I don’t mean it to be. Obviously I am a crossdresser and I love who I am. The vast majority of us are wonderful, kind, sensitive, considerate people. We have a side of us that makes us ridiculously happy but are fully aware of how difficult this part of us is for someone else to understand and accept. We know that what we wear causes a lot of stress and anxiety for our partners. We have a lot of empathy for our significant others. Wearing panties or nail polish or whatever we are drawn to makes us very happy but we also know that our significant others will struggle with this side of us. We don’t want to be a burden, we don’t want to put more stress on our partners, especially when it comes to something like this. So, we sometimes suppress this side of us, we try to stop crossdressing, we deny who we are. We do these things because we love our partners and we don’t want to hurt them, confuse them, or scare them. This is not typically meant to deceive our partners. We love our partners so much that we will try to be the best people that we can be and try to be the person we think our partner wants. We try our hardest to quit crossdressing. It’s not likely that will happen. But we still try. Our intentions may be good, but in retrospect we usually realize that yes, we should have been upfront at the beginning about who we are, what we wear… and everything else.

Okay, here we go.

Do I have to accept this? Do I have to let him crossdress?

Nope.

No one should stay in a relationship or incorporate something into it that they do not like or are comfortable with. If this side of your man, or any part of him or your relationship makes you unhappy, angry, turned off, or anything else, then you are under no obligation to “let” him crossdress.

This side of your man is likely not going to go away. He is likely not going to change. Even if it’s been a decade since he last slipped on a pair of panties and he never does so ever again, he is (in my opinion), and will always be, a crossdresser. If you are going to stay in the relationship or try to figure out where to go from here, then both of you will need to communicate on a level that you never have before. Many, MANY couples seek our counseling when this revelations comes to light.

The two of you may set boundaries, you may establish “ground rules”, you may adopt a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” agreement. You may ask him to never bring this up ever again. You might even file for divorce.

Crossdressing can sometimes be a deal-breaker. However, it’s usually not the crossdressing itself that ends a relationship. Sometimes there is lying involved with this side of someone that as a couple can be hard to recover from.

You may be hurt or angry that he didn’t disclose this side of him earlier. It would have been nice if he had told you about this before you bought a house and had three kids.

Your man is still the same man that he was before he came out to you. But you’ll see him differently, you’ll think of him differently. This is normal. This will often lead to you seeing in a different light, in a different perspectice.

And you may not like it.

This isn’t what you signed up for, in a sense.

But many couples do indeed make *this* work. If you are going to try to make this work or wishing to understand this side of him, then keep reading.

-Why is he like this? Why does he do this? Why does he want to wear a bra when I can’t wait to make mine off?

These are, unfortunately, mostly unanswerable questions. For the most part, the answers for these questions aren’t really satisfying. There’s really no “one size fits all” reason your man wears panties or anything else.

First, it’s important to know WHAT crossdressing is. So, let’s learn together.

Oh, you’re back!

Let’s get this reason out of the way. For some men, this is a sexual kink for him. Bluntly, it turns him on. It arouses him. It may be difficult to relate to this. You may wear heels because you *have* to and you look forward to kicking them off as soon as you get home. You may put on your bra and think about taking it off all day. If you feel this way it may seem strange that these same uncomfortable items could arouse someone.

If this is indeed a fetish for him (and it isn’t always) then please know that when someone is aroused by something it’s because… well, that is simply how they are wired. Fetishes and kinks typically develop at an early age. We see… SOMETHING and we are immediately intrigued by it. We look at it and we… react to it in a different way than other people do. For some, a glove is something you wear to keep your hands warm. For others, it’s the most erotic piece of clothing in the world. Fetishes rarely make sense.

In many movies and television shows, crossdressing is almost always showed as a kink. However, for most of us it’s not a fetish. We may feel beautiful, but this is not the same as feeling aroused.

If this isn’t a kink (and for some of us we THINK this side of is “just” a kink, at least initially) then it becomes even more complicated. For some of us we look at clothes as just something that can be worn and we don’t care if a piece of clothes is designed for a man or a woman. We just wear what we want, what we find comfortable, and what fits. For some of us, we just like to feel beautiful. Feeling beautiful is a different feeling than feeling handsome. For others, we want to wear something BECAUSE it’s “for girls” but this is more typical of men who crossdress as a kink, but this isn’t always the case.

For some of us, it’s just… fun and everyone has a different idea of fun. I have friends who watch golf for God’s sake and I would rather go to work than sit in front of a television while some man smacks a little white ball around.

Crossdressers tend to have a different relationship and perspective on clothes than what many cis women have. To you, a bra is a bra, or even a torture device. To me, a bra is beautiful and I am so happy when I wear one. Of course, you and I probably wear bras for different reasons.

Your man isn’t this way because of any childhood trauma. He may have a… ah, challenging relationship with his mother but that didn’t lead to him wanting to wear a dress.

So! In summary, there’s no real reason he is who he is. There’s no ONE reason EVERY crossdresser crossdresses. We are all uniquely and frustratingly different. I know that this doesn’t help and I’m sorry I can’t be more insightful but if it helps, there’s nothing “wrong” with your man.

-Will this side of him… keep going?

Maybe?? Today he told you that he likes to wear panties Will be be taking estrogen in a year? Maybe?? But not necessarily. I’ve been wearing what I wear for decades but never have I felt the need to even consider hormones.

This was my wife’s fear. It was her fear for YEARS. No matter how often I reassured her she was still afraid. However, it’s been almost twenty years since I came out to her and the needle on estrogen or transitioning hasn’t twitched at all.

We are all on a journey. You, me, your husband, your best friend, the co-worker that you despise. Every person in your life is at a different point in their lives and our journeys are all different from each other.

Look, I HATE the word ‘journey’. It makes it sound like your husband is on a magical adventure and inaccurately suggests that he is on a beautiful path of discovery and that this is nothing but fun and rainbows. Every journey that someone is on is fraught with challenges and fears and self-doubt and mistakes and setbacks.

It’s okay if you hate this side of your man. It really is. You are allowed to. You are allowed to be angry and hurt and to feel whatever you’re feeling (not that you need anyone’s permission to feel anything). You do not have to be enthusiastically cheer him on. You are not obligated to join him in dressing up. Just as he is navigating this side of himself and trying to figure out who he is and what he wants and how *this* will factor into his life, you will do the same thing.

He may wear a nightgown tonight, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he will put on a skirt when he wakes up tomorrow. Most crossdressers will only underdress (meaning they only wear panties under their boy clothes) and will never wear anything else. Ever.

His journey could indeed go down different paths, however not every journey is leading to estrogen or transitioning.

When I came out to my wife while we were dating, *this* side of me was all about panties and lingerie. And today I am at a very different point in my life, my journey, my gender identity. This… progression, from panties to who I am today caused my wife a lot of stress. More stress than I will probably ever know. I told her often that I didn’t want to transition or take hormones BUUUUT it wasn’t easy for her to believe as she watched me go from *just* panties to shopping for a wig and adopting a femme name in only a few months. Of course she wondered and feared for where *this* was going. Who wouldn’t think or feel those things? It was hard for her to believe me when I told her that I wasn’t going to transition because from her perspective I just… kept going. From panties to a dress to makeup to a wig to… where I am today.

Hopefully your man is being honest with who he is and what he wants. If he is being truthful about who he is and what he wants, then this is who he is and what he wants as of today. Could this change? Yes. Will it? Maybe not.

-Is he lying? Did he lie to me? Will he lie in the future? Will he cheat?

Maybe? Probably? He may not have meant to lie. Please understand, there’s no excuse for lying. And yes, he absolutely should have told you about this side of him before you were engaged or moved in together or gotten married or had children together. For most of us, this is a part of us that… hm, develops early in our lives. We usually become aware of this side of us at a young age. He PROBABLY knew about this side of him before you two met.

He may have been in denial about this side of him. He may have hoped he could have…. ah, controlled this side of himself and suppressed his need, his want, to wear whatever it is that he likes to wear.

But this side of your man probably isn’t going to go away. He will likely always want to wear panties. Even if swears he will never ever wear panties again, I can almost guarantee he will think about wearing them every time he helps with laundry or passes by Victoria’s Secret in the mall.

Is he still lying (or at least not being completely forward) even though he has come out to you? Maybe? This side of us is… huge. It’s complicated. It’s hard to comprehend and explain. We may… downplay this side of us because we don’t want to scare you, drive you away, or overwhelm you. Your husband loves you and is trying to be gentle. I’ve done this. However, he does need to be transparent and honest about *this* as much as he can. And for all you crossdressers reading this, I absolutely understand that is much, much easier said than done.

If he lied, will he lie again? It’s natural to think that if your partner wasn’t honest (or at least not as forthcoming as they should have been) about something in the past that they will lie about it in the future. If you have a difficult time believing him about *this* please know that this is understandable and expected. It doesn’t make you a bad or untrusting person.

It’s NORMAL. If my wife lied about how much money she spent on, oh I don’t know, lottery tickets, of course I would have a hard time believing her whenever she went to the casino. Not that she is an out of control gambler mind you, but you know what I mean.

Relationships are hard. None of them are completely perfect. It’s okay if you accept your husband’s crossdressing but have a hard time believing he is always truthful about it. It’s okay if you understand that he is who he is but hate that he does this. Listen to your heart and trust your instinct. Acceptance of something isn’t always being happy about it. It’s often an acknowledgment that this is who he is and he isn’t (and probably can’t) change who he is.

And accepting that your husband crossdresses is essentially knowing that this side of him isn’t going away. Accepting doesn’t necessarily mean approval or supporting him or buying him panties. You can accept that your man wears panties, and you can reluctantly do so. Acceptance is often done reluctantly.

Will he cheat? I don’t think there’s necessarily an overlap between crossdressing and infidelity. But this is a normal fear. I promise. If crossdressing is a kink and arouses him, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he wants to wear lingerie and then want to have sex or masturbate. Will he want to have sex while he wears a bra and panties? Will be want to wear lingerie during sex? Probably. On some level, even if this is a kink, he wants to share this part of him, his life, with you. Let’s face it, when someone has a sexual kink they probably want to engage in that kink as much as possible and they likely want you to be INTO it, if you know what I mean.

Please know that consent is ESSENTIAL. If you are not comfortable with seeing your man in lingerie, or if it kills the mood, then you are under no obligation to be intimate to have sexy time with him. Hopefully he understands. It might be a disappointment and he may be pissy about it, but people need to be on same page when it comes to the big and important things, including intimacy.

You may be afraid that if you don’t… indulge or participate in his crossdressing while you’re intimate that he might seek out someone else to “play” with. Listen: if he cheats it’s not your fault. You are not responsible for his infidelity. You are not obligated to go along with ANYTHING you are not comfortable with.

Related reading:

Ask Hannah!

-Will he wear my clothes?

Maybe?? He probably has. I know I tried on my girlfriend’s clothes when she wasn’t home. This can feel a little violating and it’s okay to not be okay about this.

-He says he only likes to wear lingerie and insists he does not want to transition or wear other clothes. Is he in denial?

Mmmmm, probably not in denial, but it’s possible he MIGHT be downplaying all of this. If he is, it’s possibly because he is trying not to overwhelm you or scare you off. Yes, he should be disclosing EVERYTHING but in his own way he is trying to be gentle with you.

This side of someone is a LOT to take in. It’s a lot for our partners. Crossdressers know this. More than likely your man has gone his entire life without coming out to someone or talking about this side of him and now the floodgates are open and he is struggling to find the right words to voice his feelings.

It’s also likely he himself is overwhelmed and scared of his biggest secret being shared with someone, especially the most important person in his world.

It’s possible in a week, in a month, in ten years he may disclose that he also wants to wear, or already does, dresses or makeup. He may be easing you into this part of his life. He also may be testing the waters, so to speak, and wanting to see how you will react to him wanting to wear panties before the other stilettos drops.

-Is he transgender?

That is up to him.

When someone comes out for the first time, or early on in the aftermath of coming out, there’s a lot of uncertainty and, well, fear, when it comes to labels. For some of us, the “T Word” is scary and we are reluctant to identify as trans.

In my opinion yes, a crossdresser falls under the transgender umbrella. But please know, and even take solace in this if it helps, transgender doesn’t always mean transitioning or taking estrogen or feeling you are in the wrong body.

-What is he REALLY doing online?

Who knows?

When I am online I could be scrolling through Facebook, looking at the news, shopping for a new dress, or even doing actual work. I might be emailing one of Hannah’s friends or updating my website. I don’t hide my browser history, my wife could log into my laptop or phone anytime she wanted and look at what I am doing. This is not to say that she would or that your partner must disclose his passwords or whatever to his email. I just feel that, well, I have nothing to hide. My wife knows about everything. She sees what is in my closet, she reads my website, she brings in packages sent from En Femme and Xdress.

Years ago I visited a lot of crossdressing centric websites such as crossdressers.com. In fact, you may wish to create am account and poke around the forums if you wanted to get a little more insight into what this side of us may be about. I believe there’s even threads on there for partners of crossdressers.

I visited these websites for a few reasons.

-I was looking for resources for where to buy clothes that fit.

-I was looking for advice for makeup or tucking or walking in heels.

-I was looking for support, friendship, and for others like myself. People who could relate to the happiness and confusion and challenges that crossdressing can bring. Many, many of us are tormented by how this side of us can hurt and impact our significant others. It may look like all we care about are cute dresses and being pretty but the guilt we have over how this can make our partners feel is quite significant.

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you think your man might be looking for someone to hook up with if he is spending time on crossdressing websites. There is a very prominent portrayal of crossdressing as sexual and it can be misleading that this side of us is all about sex. The fetishistic side of men wearing lingerie has been a staple for decades and it will be for a very, very, very long time. I mean, lingerie for all genders is pretty synonymous with sex. This is how people like your man, like myself, have been portrayed in media since I can remember.

Obviously I don’t know exactly what he is looking at online, but it might not necessarily for sexual stimulation. I mean, he MIGHT be but it’s not a foregone conclusion.

It also wouldn’t be a surprise if you are tempted to, or have already looked at his browser history or read his emails. I am not here to condone or encourage this, but I can tell you I absolutely understand wanting to do so. Getting off topic for a smidgen I was dating a girl who I was almost certain was cheating on me. It drove me mad thinking one thing but being told another. It consumed me, to be honest. She wasn’t good at lying but was insistent she was faithful and told me I was being paranoid and insecure. I am not proud of this but I logged into her email and learned my suspicions were correct. Strangely this calmed me as it confirmed that my instincts were right. I wasn’t being paranoid. I wasn’t crazy. I never confronted her about this and we broke up shortly after. Again, I am not proud of this… but I get it. Promise.

-Is he gay?

Probably not.

This is likely the most common question and fear that you have.

Regardless of pink or how frilly or how lacy or feminine his panties are, his sexuality likely hasn’t changed.

However.

Does he want to have sex with a man or another crossdresser? Maybe??

I want to be as gentle as I can be, but there are some crossdressers who are… open to the idea of being with a man when they are dressed up. Not necessarily because they are ATTRACTED to another man, but, well, having sex with a man might make them feel more feminine. Your man MIGHT (and again not all crossdressers feel this way) want to be sexually treated like a woman when he is wearing lingerie or dressed from wig to heels.

I feel more feminine when a man holds a door open for me or when a man addresses me as “ma’am”. For some crossdressers a man showing a sexual interest in them makes them feel more feminine and that MAY lead to a man wanting to have sex with another man when they probably have zero interest in this when they are in “boy mode”.

It’s…. hm, in a way similar to someone who hates dancing but when they’ve had a few drinks they hit the dance floor. If that makes sense.

Some crossdressers tell me they are straight when they are presenting as a man, but identify as bisexual when they are dressed up. The reality is that their sexuality didn’t change when they changed their clothes. In my opinion they are feeling a little less inhibited when they are en femme compared to when they are dressed in boy clothes which makes someone feel a little more… receptive to things.

Some of us want so badly to feel feminine, to be treated as a woman, that we go to lengths that we didn’t think were possible. Sometimes the things we do betray our values and vows.

-Am I not feminine enough for him?

Please understand that I want to be as gentle as I can with these responses, especially with this one. But his crossdressing has nothing to do with what you wear or how feminine you are. He is not wearing sexy lingerie or bold makeup because his partner isn’t. He is not lacking femininity in his life. He is not compensating for any lack of “girl things”.

If anything, part of what attracted you to him was how pretty you are. Crossdressers NOTICE what someone is wearing. When I look at a woman in the real world I am noticing her shoes and her clothes. I notice her makeup. When I met my wife I was attracted to her cuteness, her sense of humor, her personality, and yes, how she dressed. I still am. She has always dressed cute and given how much I love girl clothes it was easy to fall in love with her style, among her other attributes.

-He keeps spending our money on clothes and is CONSTANTLY talking about crossdressing and when we have sex he’s the one that wears lingerie and I HATE it.

Yes, this happens a LOT, especially after he first comes out. When a crossdresser comes out he feels an enormous weight lifted off his shoulders. It’s likely he has been keeping this inside for decades and now that he has told someone it’s like the dam has burst. He feels relieved. He can talk about something that is a major part of his life and yes, he probably won’t shut up about it.

Unfortunately as much of a relief this is to him, it’s absolutely overwhelming to you. This likely came out of nowhere, whether he came out to you or you discovered this for yourself. After he comes out you likely need a drink, and some time to process it. This is absolutely normal. You may miss how things were “before”. You may want to pretend the conversation didn’t happen. You may never, ever want to discuss it again.

The weight has lifted from his shoulders… but passed it to yours.

There will be times when this is the last thing you want to talk about but he keeps going on and on and on about a dress he saw at the mall. Your man is lost in the Pink Fog. He is so absorbed in his crossdressing he literally can’t stop thinking about it, talking about it, and possibly DOING it. He will miss your nonverbal cues when the subject comes up. He brings it up ALL THE TIME. And it’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It feels like he is being selfish. You just want a normal night in but he keeps talking about the makeup the actresses are wearing in the show you’re binging.

And the shopping! Packages are being delivered, there are new panties in his drawer almost every day, and your shared bank account it taking a hit. Again, the Pink Fog.

So, what do you do? Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you feel again. And again. Just as he may miss your non-verbal cues he may be so absorbed by his crossdressing that it might take several conversations for him to get it. He is acting really differently and, let’s be honest, it’s really annoying and frustrating. And yes, communicating with your partner isn’t always easy. It’s sometimes hard to be direct. It’s challenging to find the right words to say. Again, this is when counseling can be very beneficial.

Sex needs to be about consent. You might want to be the one wearing pretty lingerie in bed. You may be turned off by seeing your man in a bra. Why is he wearing lingerie during sexy time? Three reasons:

-It turns him on

-He is hoping for a little… role play. He may want to “be the girl” in bed. He might have a lesbian fantasy. You many not want this AT ALL. If this happens (and it might) then clear and direct communication is key. Conversations about what happens in the bedroom, whether it is about wardrobe or anything else can happen before, during, and after intimacy.

-It makes him feel beautiful and we all want to feel beautiful during intimate moments.

Regardless of WHY he’s dressed the way he is in bed, if it makes you uncomfortable or you simply don’t like it, then he should stop.

-Will someone see him shopping for panties at the mall? Will someone see his bra strap under his shirt? Will our kids see his high heels in our closet?

Maybe?? Realistically these things could absolutely happen. My wife’s fear (and this is one I absolutely share) is someone we know seeing me buying a skirt at Target or shopping in the lingerie department. This is where the two of you need to set boundaries. I do most of my shopping online, to be honest. When I am en femme I go to malls and parts of the city where it is less likely I will encounter someone that my wife or I know.

Bra straps are almost always visible. There’s always the risk of the pink waistband of his panties peeking out of his jeans. Since I underdress (wearing panties) when I am in “boy mode” (which is most of the time) I am careful when I am stooping down lest the lacy waistband is visible. This has become second nature. Again, this is where boundaries and communications are crucial. If you are afraid of these things then you need to tell him. And hopefully he will listen.

And kids? Kids tend to be curious and tend to snoop around. I know I did when I was young. I was always going through my mom’s closet but I was always looking for a dress to try on. This is when your man needs to continue his… ah, vigilance, I suppose. For years he hid this side of himself and likely became very good at hiding his clothes and he will need to continue to do so if you don’t want your kids to find out.

-I am an ally and advocate of the transcommunity… but does being conflicted about my husband make me a hypocrite?

No.

You may be confused by this side of your man. It may even anger you. You may even hate it. This is a side of your partner that is hard to understand and is even harder to accept. You may be at a point where you accept that this is who he is and have accepted that this is a part of his life and therefor a part of your relationship, but you may never be “okay” with it. You are perhaps feeling terrified where this is going and what else he isn’t telling you. This side of him may have led to him being less than truthful about things. Again, it’s not always the crossdressing itself that is damaging, it’s finding out he’s been lying to you about SOMETHING.

Some crossdressers tell their wives they are going to Las Vegas for a work convention but in reality they spent a long weekend visiting a makeup artist and wearing a cute dress on the strip. Lies like these are what’s damaging and often impossible to heal from.

You likely know that people can’t choose their sexual orientation or gender identity. You can’t STOP being gay or feeling you were born in the wrong body. Someone like myself can’t STOP being who I am or wanting to wear what I want to wear. You may feel conflicted between knowing he can’t stop being who he is and not liking this side of him at the same time.

Still, even knowing that he can’t change this part of him it doesn’t mean you HAVE to accept it or allow it. The reality is that this side of your partner may not be something you want in your relationship. We all need stability from our partners. If your man isn’t sure of his gender identity then, well, he needs to figure that out. This is his journey and it’s not one you HAVE to take with him.

-What does he want or need from me?

What he wants and what he needs are two different things.

Typically.

Ultimately what he needs (even if he doesn’t realize it) is your honesty and communication. What he (probably) wants is for the two of you to go shopping together, to get makeovers, and have a girls night.

If you do not want to see him wearing panties, tell him how you feel. And yes, this is easier said than done. When we come out to our partners we feel… well, it feels like exhaling. We have been holding our breath for perhaps decades. It’s possible he will become so… enthralled with coming out that it’s a little like a bird being freed from a cage. Unless it’s very, very clear to him that this side of him is not to be discussed, he may talk endlessly about it. And yes, this will likely get annoying. It’s irritating whenever you have someone in your life that talks and talks and talks about the same thing ALL THE TIME, no matter if it’s about a podcast, work gossip, politics, or lingerie.

It’s even more grating when it’s a subject you feel conflicted or overwhelmed by.

What he (probably) needs are boundaries. Very clear rules (if you will) about how his crossdressing will factor into your relationship. He may have a hard time abiding by them, to be honest. I know I did. When I first started to wear dresses and makeup I would drive my wife crazy with only discussing clothes. She was still processing who I was and was easily (and understandably) overwhelmed and exhausted by the seemingly non-stop conversation about pretty dresses. I wasn’t paying attention to her cues to, well, give it a rest. I came off as selfish and self-centered. She often had to be more direct with me about my crossdressing than about other things.

You may hope that he picks up on your reaction or non-verbal body language when he talks about crossdressing or when he is dressing up, but there’s a good chance he may be so lost in The Fog that he isn’t paying as much attention to the rest of his world that he normally would. And I am just as guilty about this as anyone else.


Wow, are you still here?? How long did it take for you to read this? It took FOREVER to write and I am glad we went on this journey together. I like to think we discovered something about ourselves and the real treasure was the lessons we learned along the way.

In all seriousness, I hope this was helpful. I’ve written more about marriage and crossdressing here. I don’t presume this will cover all of your circumstances, questions and fears. This is, admittingly, a very surface-y perspective on many of the emails I get from spouses and significant others, including the emails YOU sent 🙂

Love, Hannah

Sexual Identity and Gender Identity

It’s amazing (and reassuring) how many of us have the same thoughts, experiences, and feelings as one another. Almost all of us have had some sort of… awakening at an early age where we discovered that there was a part of us that was fascinated by and drawn to certain clothes or wanting to wear nail polish or eyeliner or anything else. We felt that maybe we weren’t *really* a boy or that we had more in common in with our sisters than our brothers.

(Of course this has more to do with gender norms and societal expectations of gender roles, but I digress.)

Until we became aware of others like us, we felt unique, we felt alone. But one day we learned that there were actually so many people like us that there was actually a name for boys who wore girl clothes. One day we met another trans person, whether online or in real life and suddenly the feelings of being alone were replaced by being able to relate to someone else.

As I continue to meet others like myself, I am reminded how much in common we all have. The same fears, the same desires, the same emotions, the same conversations we have with our partners. It’s no longer a surprise to meet another t-girl and realize that they also have had a similar journey as my own.

Sometimes these conversations turn to gender identity and how this has changed over time. We talk about where we were a few years ago and where we are today. We talk about what has changed or when we realized that one label (if you will) felt more appropriate than another.

It’s amazing how for decades I felt alone and that no one else in the world could understand who I was and who I am… only to find countless others like myself who felt the same way, who wore the same clothes that I did.

I found others like myself who could relate to purging but would start buying lingerie only a few days after throwing away a drawer full of panties. We bond over our first experiences leaving the house en femme. We discuss our victories, our fears, our relationships.

But one thing I can never really relate to is when other crossdressers and t-girls discuss being conflicted or confused or anxious about their sexual identity in relation to their gender identity.

To be clear, I don’t think it’s odd to wonder about one’s sexual identity. You can go years and years dating girls and then a guy catches your eye for some reason and you can’t quite put your finger on why you can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t relate to this but I have friends who identified as straight until, well, they realized that they were actually bi.

I may not be able to relate to someone not being sure of their sexual identity but I can certainly relate to not being sure of my gender identity. For years I wondered about this. I don’t feel I was assigned the wrong gender at birth necessarily nor do I feel that transitioning is right for me, but when I was in my teens I did have these thoughts. Not because I FELT unsure about this but I didn’t know you COULD be bi-gender. I thought that if I wanted to wear a dress that I HAD to be a girl.

Eventually I decided you could wear whatever you wanted whenever you wanted and that was that.

Gender is, and can be, fluid. I go back and forth and in-between. I think sexual identity can also be fluid.

This is when I need to acknowledge that I cannot claim really any sort of authority on sexual identity. I’ve never dated or been intimate with someone who identifies as male. My romantic and sexual history would absolutely indicate I am straight. And sure, I’m straight if a label needs to be applied. If I am filling out a medical form or whatever and I have to check a box for it, I do select ‘heterosexual’.

None of this is to say that I’m not straight. I just don’t think about it. If I have to identity as something when it comes to my sexual preference I choose my answer based on my history, I suppose. I select the option for ‘heterosexual’ and move on. I don’t have the same hesitation that I do when I have to declare my gender identity.

When I say that sexual identity can be fluid what I mean is that this is something that might change over time through life experience. You grow up thinking that you’re “supposed” to date a certain gender but you never feel any sort of attraction. But then one day you meet someone that you fall for HARD and you realize that you’ve been dating the wrong gender your entire life. I suppose this is the sexual identity journey that is the equivalent of our own gender identity journey.

But I also think sexual identity is fluid because some crossdressers and t-girls tell me that HE identifies as straight but SHE identifies as bi.

My perspective is that being en femme or wearing lingerie doesn’t change your sexual preference. I mean, that’s one thing many of us insist on when we come out to our significant others. Your wife might be worried that you’re gay because you wear panties but you do your best to explain that what you wear has nothing to do with who you are attracted to sexually, physically, romantically, or emotionally.

I think that if SHE is bi, then HE is bi, too. Again, I have to admit I am not speaking from any sort of experience and I have to accept that I could be completely and absolutely wrong about all this.

I know that Hannah… unlocks parts of HIM. Hannah is chatty and social, he is not. He CAN be, but he usually isn’t. The chatty and social butterfly part of HER is in HIM, but it’s just not expressed. These aspects of Hannah don’t magically appear when she is out in the real world, she just brings them out of him, or US, I suppose.

I do think that being en femme helps me feel less inhibited and I suspect many of you can relate. It’s not a stretch to think that being en femme not only helps you feel less inhibited socially but sexually as well.

Some of us want to be physical with a man when we are dressed up. Not necessarily because we crave a man sexually but because he is perhaps treating us as a girl, just in an intimate way. I do feel flattered when a man holds a door open for me, so it’s likely some of us feel something similar with sex.

Well, perhaps flattered isn’t the right word. I feel I am, ah, VISIBLY transgender. I don’t think anyone sees me and believes I am a a cis girl. When people interact with Hannah I assume they know they are interacting with a t-girl. So, when a door is held open for me, my assumption is that they are consciously holding the door open for a trans woman which, in my opinion, is a show of support for the trans community.

Some cis men tell me they are attracted to t-girls and they wonder if they are gay. Well, no. I don’t feel thinking a t-girl is cute means you’re gay. T-girls are girls. It’s not gay to be attracted to a girl. Unless you’re a girl, of course.

Media and society did a really terrible job portraying crossdressers, drag queens, and trans people for decades. We were shown to be fetishists and as comedic foils. We were also usually portrayed as being very, very, gay. I suppose as we grew up and came to terms with our gender identity it was natural to think that since we wanted to wear a dress it likely meant we were indeed gay based on the representation we had in movies.

Again, I am far from an expert on this, so I’m curious about your experiences and journey when it comes to gender and sexuality. Do you find there’s an overlap or a correlation? Or are you like me where they couldn’t be further apart?

Love, Hannah

Your Voice

Representation is important. It’s crucial and comforting to know there are others like us.

The search terms that are used to find my website are enlightening and can help influence what I post about. The most frequent terms are along the lines of “how to crossdress”. Knowing this I try to post about techniques and building confidence.

When I was in college and had access to the internet for the first time, I started to look online for ANYTHING about crossdressing. I mostly found articles that tended to focus primarily on sex and dressing as a fetish. I rarely came across websites that I could identity with. I wanted to see if there were others like myself, those who wore lingerie but not because it was a kink to them.

As my gender identity evolved I still came up empty-handed when I looked for others like myself that I could relate to. It seemed that most websites were (still) very fetishy or focused on transitioning. I wasn’t looking for either of these ends of the spectrum, if you will.

These experiences were one of the reasons I started a website. I wanted to see if there were others like me. And it turns out there are! More than I could ever dream.

Compared to twenty years ago, I think there are a lot of websites like mine, there are still a lot of websites for those who crossdress as a kink and a lot of resources available for those who are transitioning.

But what about the rest of the non-binary community?

Based on emails that I get and and search terms that are used to find my website, I am reminded that there is still a lack of representation for many of us. There are many, many nuances when it comes to identifying as non-binary. Many of us don’t really fall into a demographic that has a voice.

Do you feel that way? Do know what I mean?

There are some search terms that lead to my website and I think to myself that I am not a helpful representation for that demographic and I wonder where the person who searched those words could go for resources or help, friends, or support.

Some search terms that are used where I feel I am not much use for include “crossdress sissy”, “crossdress humiliation”, “I want to feminize my husband”, for example.

There are probably countless websites that have a very sexual and fetishy approach to these (and other) terms.

But as a crossdresser, I know that there’s not always a kinky reason that we do what we do.

If you feel underrepresented, tell me. If you love to dress in sissy clothes but are frustrated that you only find fetishy websites out there, tell me. I would be happy to post about your experiences.

It feels frustrating to be misunderstood. As a crossdresser most of the world assumes I wear what I wear for sexual reasons. I know it’s not true. Many of you know this isn’t true for yourself.

So, if you like it when your man wears a dress or if you enjoy dressing like a schoolgirl for non-sexual reasons, please email me. I would love for you to have some representation.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I am a male who has been crossdressing in private for many years. I have regularly questioned myself about why I do it and always come back to the fact that I enjoy it and feel more alive and comfortable when I do. My partner does not want any involvement in that part of my life but I can’t give it up. However, as time goes by when I am dressed I am becoming more attracted to other men. I have had some sexual experiences with T-girls but wonder if I should go all the way with a guy while dressed to help understand what is really in my head and what I should do in the future. Any advise you have would be much appreciated.

If you’re asking if I think you should pursue sex outside of the relationship you have with your partner, then no, I do not think you should go all the way or do anything with a guy or with anyone else, regardless of how you are dressed or of their gender.

No matter your gender identity or your sexual identity, I do not think you should be intimate with anyone besides your partner. Ever. At all.

If you feel the need to be physical with anyone besides your partner, for whatever reason, the two of you need to have a very serious conversation about this perceived need.

Aaaand as long as I am on my soapbox (and on the subject) I don’t think that clothes “activate” one’s attraction to another gender. If you are attracted to men when you are dressed up, then you are probably attracted to men when you’re not dressed up.

Also, I don’t think having sex with a t-girl or being attracted to a t-girl means you’re gay. T-girls are girls, remember? It’s not gay to be sexually attracted to a girl, unless you are a girl, I suppose.

Some crossdressers tell me they are straight when they are presenting as a man, but identify as bisexual when they are dressed up. The reality is that their sexuality didn’t change when they changed their clothes. In my opinion they are feeling a little less inhibited when they are en femme compared to when they are dressed in boy clothes which makes someone feel a little more… open to something.

If crossdressing arouses you, it’s not surprising you want to have sex when dressed. When we are aroused we often are open to things that we didn’t think we would be. Again, we are less inhibited and our… decisions are being made by our desire, not our brain.

Love, Hannah

Related reading

SEX

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

Recently you have identified yourself as bi-gender or trans. If you wouldn’t mind sharing, I would like to know how your wife identifies herself. I have always identified myself as straight until my husband, now wife, came out as trans. Now I am not sure what identifier I should use.

Thanks for your assistance, and that of your wife.

I would never speak for my wife, but I think it’s safe to say that she identifies as straight. As long as we’re chatting about my wife, she did a little question and answer article that touches on this topic, among other things.

She accepts me, both of me. But she is not sexually attracted to Hannah. This doesn’t mean she is… disgusted by Hannah or sees Hannah as her “husband in a dress.” No, she more or less thinks of Hannah and of her husband as two different people. Which is absolutely fair and accurate. On many levels I think of myself and of Hannah as two different people as well.

I would also never presume to tell you how you should identify when it comes to sexual orientation, but please know, I get asked this question often. You are not alone in this.

Believe me.

But since you asked…

I think sexual identity is tied to who you are sexually attracted to. If you are sexually attracted to your wife, then perhaps your sexuality is a little more… flexible than you had previously thought.

Feelings of love and affection are not the same thing as feelings of sexual and physical attraction. You can have sex without love, and you can be deeply in love with someone that you are not sexually active with.

Some love transcends physical, sexual intimacy.

This uncertainty is something that many women experience when their partner has changed their gender identity. Someone’s evolving gender identity can impact everyone around them, most of all their significant other.

I do think that gender and sexuality is more fluid than we realize. I don’t like restricting myself to a lot of identifiers, whether it is a political affiliation or my sexual identity. This is not to say I am not straight. I’ve never put that much energy into thinking about my personal sexual identity, I was too busy consumed by my evolving gender identity.

Marriage, gender, sexuality… all of these things can be complicated, nuanced, and personal. You don’t have to put a label on yourself or your relationship or on yourself.

Additionally, we all need support. I am sure this has all been an emotional experience for you. I would encourage you to look into PFLAG for support groups near you. PFLAG offers resources for not only those in the LGBTQIA+ community but also for friends and family as well.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Let’s Talk About Kinks

Any sort of physical contact has to be consensual. Hugs, kissing, ANYTHING. The same thing goes with hardcore kinky sex.

How’s THAT for a transition?

Anyway, before we get started, just a reminder that a fetish and a kink are not the same thing.

A lot of kinks require the willing participation of another person. If you have a humiliation kink, then you need someone to ridicule you. If you have a bondage kink, you need someone to tie you up. And… well, I could go on but I think you get the point.

Crossdressing could absolutely be considered a kink and/or a fetish.

A fetish is an OBJECT that one connects to arousal. For example, if you are turned on by wearing panties, then lingerie itself is a fetish. A kink is an ACTION. If the ACT of dressing in “girl clothes” arouses you, then crossdressing is a kink.

It can be both, but it isn’t always.

Please note that I am specifically using the word ‘arouses’. Wearing girl clothes and presenting en femme calms me, makes me feel happy, confident, and beautiful, but does not arouse me.

Makes sense? Okay good.

I get a lot of emails about, guess what! crossdressing. These emails range from being called an abomination against God to gratitude to questions to compliments to criticism to requesting advice.

Some emails are people coming out to me. Not anyone I know in real life (as far as I know), but messages along the lines of “I have been wearing panties for ten years but I’ve never said anything to anyone. You are the first person I’ve ever told.”

These messages are actually really wonderful to get. It’s one thing to accept yourself, it’s another to embrace yourself.

Some messages will expand on their gender identity or wardrobe preferences. It’s not uncommon for these thoughts to detour into tooooooo much information territory and sometimes sexual content is disclosed. Aaaaaand this is when I usually stop reading. I really, really don’t want to hear about what you, um, do when you are wearing lingerie or anything else.

It’s one thing to say “crossdressing turns me on”. It’s another to say “I like to put on my prettiest panties and then I ______________________________________.”

You get the idea. I’ve heard it all. Or at least I hope I have.

For some, there’s a bit of an overlap between crossdressing and a humiliation kink. I don’t really *get* the connection between being degraded and arousal but I don’t need to. I don’t want to either so please don’t feel the need to explain it to me.

Please know I am not kinkshaming. As long as your interests don’t hurt someone then well, you do you. People are wired certain ways and there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be aroused. There’s also nothing wrong with sex. Sex is wonderful.

But unless you’re alone, sex has to be consensual on EVERY level. If a kink involves the participation of someone else, this person HAS to be aware of their participation AND they HAVE to be willing.

In addition to the types of emails I wrote about earlier, I also get emails from men wanting me to “train” them when it comes to crossdressing.

I totally get wanting guidance and needing advice. God knows we’ve all been there. We’ve all watched makeup tutorials, posted on message boards asking about where to find heels that fit, and so on.

To be clear, I don’t do any sort of crossdressing “training” or offer any sort of classes. These might be helpful (and profitable to me, lol) but I can’t imagine ever doing anything of the sort. I tend to focus on the more psychological and emotional and practical side of presenting en femme as opposed to the… ah, mechanics of it. What I means is that there are tons of videos about contouring your face and how to adhere breast forms but I usually write about the relationship and mental aspects of gender identity.

Although some of these messages are likely innocent requests from people looking for help when it comes to dressing and doing their makeup, many of these training requests seem to be sexual in nature. This is when I am inclined to think that the writer has a crossdressing/humiliation kink. Of course, I could be wrong. But I don’t think I am.

These emails tend to be from men who want me to dress them up in sissy clothes and to call them very degrading words. To “force” them to wear pink panties. To humiliate them. To have sex with men.

As you can imagine, I don’t like these emails. I usually don’t respond to them.

I don’t want to participate, on any level. And yes, responding to them CAN be participating. Maybe they WANT me to call them perverted or sick or whatever. Maybe they WANT to be turned down. In some cases I am being directly ASKED to call them names. This is when I feel I am an unwilling participant in someone’s kink.

To be clear, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to wear sissy clothes or pink panties. God knows I have frilly and lacey clothes in my closet and my panties ARE pink today but I don’t think that wearing femme clothes is humiliating.

I get that others DO, but it’s not my thing. Again, I don’t need to or want to understand anyone else’s fetish. I typically don’t respond to overtly sexual emails (of any kind) because I don’t want to… well, encourage? the conversations. And for the most part, most senders are getting the message by me not responding to them. And I appreciate that. There is this one guy though who emails me DAILY asking that I call them after their wife goes to bed and “train” them to be a sissy. I am not going to do this. Stop contacting me.

I am a LITTLE surprised about the sexual messages I get. I do write about lingerie (and post photos like the one at the top of this post) and I do write (rarely) about sex, but I really don’t think my website is sexual and I don’t think I portray *this* as fetishistic or kinky. There are plenty of t-girls and crossdressers who DO (and again, no judgement at all, promise) have websites and a social media presence that are sexual in nature, but that’s not who I am.

Crossdressing, wearing a dress or panties or leather, might be kinky to you, but you need to understand that it might not be a kink for someone else. Don’t assume it is.

Love, Hannah