Tag: sex

In Which I Learn I am Bad at Financial Domination

by Hannah

So! Consent is sexy and necessary.

Usually when we think of consent we think of it in terms of sex. If people are going to have sex with each other then everyone involved needs to be willing (and hopefully eager).

But consent isn’t necessarily limited to two or more people in a physical or intimate way.

Consent is, in a way, agreeing to play a role in something that is sexually or physically or emotionally or psychologically pleasing to someone else.

Consent needs to be given when it comes to a fetish or a kink as well.

Let’s talk about the obvious examples. If you enjoy your partner being tied up during intimacy, then of course that person has to consent to that.

If you like wearing lingerie in the bedroom, your partner needs to be, well, on board with that. What I mean is that a lot of us like to wear something sexy during sexy time. BUT many of us have partners who may support and accept this side of us, but have asked us to leave our lingerie in our wardrobe during sex.

Many fetishes and kinks are, well, obvious. If your partner asks you to, oh, I don’t know, wear a certain outfit in the bedroom it’s likely pretty clear what arouses them. Some girls know that their man likes it when they wear a schoolgirl skirt or a French Maid dress… but she shouldn’t wear something that she doesn’t want to. She still needs to give her consent to fulfill a request.

Buuut some kinks aren’t very obvious at all. There are things that some people like that don’t seem arousing in the slightest. Some guys are very turned on by feet or watching girls smoke or a few other things that we don’t need to talk about lol.

I have no interest in analyzing someone’s fetish. I do know that it’s just how someone is wired. I know that people have their “thing” and that’s really all I want to know. It is what it is.

And a side note: some people have a kink that although it makes them very stimulated they don’t like having it as a kink. If that makes sense.

There are a lot of kinks out there and just when I think I’ve heard all of them I am unwillingly introduced to a new one.

Humiliation is a BIG kink for a lot of people. I don’t really know why. Again, I don’t wish to know why.

I get a lot of messages/DMs/emails/what have you. Some men tell me what they would like me to do them and they usually fall into the kinkiness sort. They want me to tie them up or walk on them or spit on them or whatever. I am obviously not going to do any of that. Logistically these requests make no sense. I mean, this person lives on the other side of the planet. Do they think I am going to pack my stilettos and hop on a plane so I can let them lick my feet?

God.

Although I don’t spend any time trying to figure out why someone is wired the way they are, sometimes I, well, I get it. Like I get why someone is aroused by a girl in leather. Leather is sexy AF, as they say. But humiliation? Mm, not so much.

I don’t know why some men like being treated like garbage but I DO know that I don’t want to know why.

I also know that being dominated is very appealing to some. Being ordered to do something and the like. And that’s fine. Again, that scenario needs every participant to be willing.

Buuut sometimes someone can get pulled into someone else’s kink without knowing. And without their consent.

After a great deal of hesitation and reluctance, I set up an Amazon Wishlist. It took some time to overcome the guilt I always feel when someone gives me a gift or even does something nice for me. Accepting a present from my wife is hard enough as it is… a complete stranger? Goodness.

For a long time I resisted doing this. So, what changed? I tried to look at this in a different way. I LIKE giving gifts. I LIKE doing things for people. It’s super fun. After a few years of people asking to do something for Hannah I realized that they likely feel the same joy that I do when I do something nice for someone.

So I bit the bullet and felt incredibly shallow and superficial and guilty and a few other nasty emotions. Like, who am I to ask for things? Could I be any more arrogant?

With an enormous amount of hubris I shared the link on Twitter. Annnnd over the last few weeks I’ve been given a very cute dress, stockings, and other items.

And goodness that guilt came in hard and fast. I don’t always process emotions well when it comes to gratitude and I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I mean, I feel my life is amazing and more than I deserve. I feel what I have, not only in what is in my closet but also with the people that I know, are more than I could have dreamed of.

I like words and I feel I write somewhat decently but I just can’t find a way to say thank you in a sufficient way to someone who does something nice for me. I ask people why they bought me something and they tell me that they just wanted to do something nice for me… either out of admiration or gratitude.

And of course, people admiring me or being grateful to me opens up a completely new box of guilt.

Posting the wish list has also opened up the world of findomme to me.

Unwillingly.

What is findomme? According to UrbanDictionary it is defined as a Woman who practices Financial Domination. Not to be confused with a sex-worker, this Person receives cash from a money slave because they both enjoy the fetish Financial Domination. The two may never meet in real life.

So! Very fetishy and and very sexual. Not my cup of tea at all.

Sharing the wish list has been… misinterpreted by some. I’ve had people wanting to buy me something (and once I’ve gotten over the guilt) I’ll share the link. Sometimes they respond with verbiage along the lines of being… hm, aroused at the idea of me ordering them to buy me a pair of stilettos.

Annnnd that’s when I shut them down. I am not ordering or commanding a complete stranger to do anything.

I mean, if someone wants to buy me something that’s one thing. But if that person is turned on by it? Ah…. no.

Look. I get that there are fetishes which I don’t understand and I get that some people like the idea of serving someone and are turned on by it, but like any kink, it requires the willing participation of everyone involved.

Consent, baby.

And to be clear, I am not shaming anyone. If you practice findomme, wonderful. If you are aroused by buying someone something, again, I am not kinkshaming you. Promise.

But I don’t want a complete stranger to buy me something if they are imagining themselves as a slave or that I am “commanding” them to do so. I get that this dynamic is out there but that dynamic requires both people to be onboard.

Consent, baby.

I am not going to demand a complete stranger to drop hundreds of dollars on a dress for me. The guilt I would feel would be overwhelming. I feel that I would be exploiting someone’s kink.

Besides, I am realizing that I would be horrible at findomme. I can be pretty bitchy at times but I don’t feel I AM a bitch. Some man asked me to share my wishlist and I did. I told him that if he did indeed buy something off of it to please tell me so I could thank him.

He responded that thanking him “ruins” it for him. I guess he gets aroused by doing something nice for someone and being ignored? Again, being treated like garbage is hot for some.

He didn’t buy me anything and since I realized that this was a kink for him I was glad he didn’t. I don’t want to receive a gift if doing that is erotic to them. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I suppose the point to all this is just when I feel I have a somewhat decent grasp on life I get introduced (in this case unwillingly) to a whole new kink. I am flawed at many things and it was kind of funny to realize I am also bad at findomme. If you buy me something I WILL thank you. Sorry?

Love, Hannah

The Prevailing Eroticism of Who we Are

by Hannah

I didn’t know it was a fetish.

Honestly.

And in retrospect this sounds incredibly naïve but realizing that for some of us wearing lingerie is kinky was pretty earth-shattering.

I suppose that sounds very dramatic.

To clarify, yes, wearing lingerie is often associated with sexy time and sexy time is, well, sexy but just simply wearing lingerie and being sexually stimulated by it wasn’t something that crossed my mind all those years ago.

It’s more than just lingerie, though. Some of us are aroused by stilettos or gloves or a wide array of (or very, very specific) clothing. For others it’s just erotic for them to wear something they are “not supposed to”.

Of course, there are also others who aren’t into wearing certain clothes themselves but rather are stimulated by people with a penis wearing “girl clothes”.

Until that fateful first day of college when I searched the word “crossdresser” on the school’s computer in the library, I didn’t know there was any sort of connection between wearing girl clothes and eroticism.

I mean, as I mentioned earlier I know that lingerie and eroticism goes together like a garter belt and stockings, but I didn’t know that some people think “men wearing girl clothes” was in itself sexually stimulating.

When I was around twelve years old I was, in a way, comforted and validated when I learned that there was a word for someone like myself. I was a crossdresser! Yay! There are so many of us that there is a word for who we are, for who I am.

As far as I was aware, I was the only crossdresser I knew but at least I wasn’t the only crossdresser on the planet. I was curious to know others like myself which led me to hopping online that first day of college.

Annnnnnd I quickly realized that much of the content the search results yielded were absolutely not appropriate for a public setting. Almost every image and website that was returned were very fetishy. People wearing ill-fitted lingerie in bed and the like.

I was shocked.

Again, I was probably naïve but please understand that this was alllll the way back in 1994 and we weren’t as, well enlightened or as familiar with how varied and complex and simple gender identity and gender presentation really is. Simply put, you wore what you wore based on whether or not you had a penis or a vagina and anything other than that was either kinky or perverted or portrayed as humiliating or hilarious.

I quickly realized that the prevailing perspective of someone like myself was that THIS was a fetish and that THIS was completely sexual.

And to be fair it is for some. And I am not kink shaming them. Promise.

But for others like myself there was nothing erotic about having the anatomy that I have and wearing panties.

Learning that there were indeed others like myself opened up the thought that perhaps I don’t need to hide who I am. Sure, it’s probably not common for a BOY to wear GIRL clothes but there’s nothing WRONG or WEIRD about it. Perhaps when I am older I can stop keeping this side of me from others, I thought.

But that thinking all was put on hold when it appeared that a BOY that wore GIRL clothes was predominately perceived as SICK or PERVERTED or KINKY.

I wasn’t those things. I mean, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being kinky (as long as it’s consensual) but crossdressing wasn’t, and isn’t, kinky to me.

Upon realizing that CROSSDRESSING = FETISH I decided that nooooo, I wasn’t going to come out anytime soon. If at all.

It’s not that I thought there was anything wrong with having a kink or fetish. For me I didn’t want this side of me, a part of myself that was very personal, very important to be misunderstood.

And no, I didn’t expect anyone to understand why I am who I am, but at the very least I didn’t want others to think I was someone I wasn’t, especially if there was a good chance that most people would likely think I was perverted. This part of me wasn’t sexual. If someone doesn’t understand who I am, well, that’s okay, but at the very least I wanted to make sure they knew this wasn’t erotic to me.

So, any consideration of coming out was completely off the table.

If people didn’t understand who I was, then at least I could prevent them from completely missing the point. I, along with my beautiful panties, went back to the (both physical and mental) closet.

Please understand. There’s nothing wrong with a crossdressing fetish. But this wasn’t sexual for me. Honestly it would have been easier (and quicker) to explain this side of me if it was, but this is so entwined with who I am that I didn’t want to… ah, simplify this part of me to a kink.

The realization that crossdressing was generally perceived as kinky/shameful (because let’s face it, almost all kinks are considered shameful) came later in my life than it probably should have. Again, I was probably a little naïve. In retrospect I should have put two and two together that “boys wearing girl clothes” was generally not acceptable. I’ve written before how breaking gender norms was often portrayed as comedic in cartoons and entertainment that I watched as a child. The reinforcement, even if unintentional, that a boy wearing panties or a dress was supposed to be humorous was a clue that I needed to keep this side of a secret.

But as I grew older and the movies and television shows I watched, ah, “evolved”, any portrayal of “boys wearing girl clothes” was not only meant to be hilarious it was also now portrayed as perverted.

So, another clue that this side of me was not to be revealed.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with humor and there’s nothing wrong with having a (consensual) kink, but I would have rather have stayed in the proverbial closet than have a part of me that was so special, so… sacred perceived as comedy or as a perversion.

Wearing panties wasn’t funny to me and it wasn’t kinky.

Keeping this side of me a secret has always been exhausting but then again, most survival methods are. Simply shopping and keeping an eye out for someone you might know requires vigilance. Like, shopping for lingerie shouldn’t be a reconnaissance mission, you know?

Keeping secrets has an emotional toll on us as well. We know we should be transparent with our partners but we know how this side of us will likely be misinterpreted. We know the potential ramifications of coming out AND we know the potential ramifications of being “caught”.

It’s a tightrope, girls.

AND! We know it’s not a matter of simply STOPPING. This is who we are. I can’t change who I am or what I wear. I mean, I can always change what I wear but you know what I mean.

I hated that crossdressing = perversion and that crossdressing = hilarity. I hated being viewed like that. I hated that these perceptions were so deeply rooted in society and media. I hated knowing that if I came out to someone I would not only have to try to help them understand who I was (as much as who we are CAN be understood) but I would also have to spend time and energy debunking these stereotypes before I can get into who I really am, not what some television writer says I am.

I would love to change this perception. I would love to change the narrative. But I don’t think that’s realistic, at least not in my lifetime.

These perspectives had a huge impact on my self-esteem. I mean, I didn’t think this was a kink and I didn’t think it was comedy, but knowing that most of the world thought I was a pervert… well, it kind of chips away at you. Why was it kinky to wear beautiful clothes? Who decided that?

Love, Hannah

Nice.

by Hannah

I THINK this is the third year in a row where my website was named one of the Top 100 Sex Blogs of the year by Molly’s Daily Kiss.

AND! I have the coveted #69 spot on it. Nice.

There are some really good sites on this list that focus on non-binary people so even if you’re not looking to read about physical intimacy there’s probably something there that you may find interesting. It should go without saying that the website (and likely most of the blogs listed there) are very NSFW and are very adult-oriented.

I don’t write about sex that often (or at least I don’t think I do) and I am always protective of the intimate details of my personal sex life and history. Almost everything on this site has to do with clothes and identifying as femme (in all it’s wonderful girly ways) so I am flattered and delightfully puzzled to be on this list with so many talented writers.

Thank you for reading. I probably don’t say that enough.

Love, Hannah

Listen

by Hannah

If we are fortunate, we will live long enough to learn. If we are wise, we will choose to learn from our experiences and grow. If we are truly wise we can learn from others’ experiences.

There are times when I look back and wish I knew then what I know now. Often these moments are when I hear how I impacted someone with my actions or words.

I had a colleague years ago that had a very sarcastic sense of humor. He was hilarious. I would try my best to match his wit and to be as funny as he was. Often my attempts were about as misguided as you could imagine. I thought he would take my “humor” as gentle teasing, the way friends sometimes do among themselves.

The problem was that my humor wasn’t clever and after a few weeks he told me he was tired of me constantly making fun of him. I was shocked that he took my comments the way he did. It wasn’t my intention at all.

It was a reminder that the importance of our comments and actions is all about how they make someone else feel… even if it’s not what we meant at all.

I felt horrible. In retrospect he was absolutely correct. His sense of humor was targeted towards a situation… never individual people. He was sarcastic but never made fun of a specific person. But in my stupid attempt to be funny I resorted to making fun of HIM.

I felt horrible. Even now that moment pops into my head and I replay the conversation we had when he bravely, well, stood up to me. I’m sure he thought (and rightly so) that I was an asshole, a bully. I cringe at thinking I was the reason he hated going to work every day.

We cleared the air and got along… better after that. But my God, I am sure he hated me. I hate knowing that I made someone feel that way.

I learned from this. I wish this lesson didn’t have to be learned by making someone feel as horribly as I made them feel.

Of course, THIS side of us is always about learning. How to walk in heels, how to blend foundation, how to do all the tiny, numerous, practical aspects of presenting femme. There are countless tutorials online that teach the… hm, technical parts of all THIS.

The emotional part of this is what is the hardest. Learning to accept this side of yourself is not the step-by-step process that learning makeup is. The emotional part is not only about how we feel and think about ourselves, but can also include how who we are impacts the other people in our world.

Now, I am not referring to the random people we pass by at the mall or the transphobic jerks that say nasty comments online. I’m speaking specifically about our partners.

When my journey diverted from exclusively lingerie and underdressing to presenting femme, wearing a wig and “real” clothes, adopting a femme name and identity, and going out into the world my wife witnessed every single step. She was also there for every mistake, both practical and emotional.

That’s not to say she was going out with me. What I mean is that she was there when I purchased my first real wig online, she was there when I was learning makeup, when I decided on a femme name, and a million other key moments. She saw me evolve and change. Literally.

We both went though this but our point of view was very different. As thrilling as it was to shave my legs, it made my wife feel apprehensive about someone noticing my smooth legs and wondering why I was doing that… and perhaps putting two and two together.

I was very concerned about what she thought and felt about “all this”. But what I failed to acknowledge was how… impactful all of this was on her. Every new milestone could potentially trigger a new emotion or fear. My wife being accepting of me wearing panties doesn’t necessarily mean she would be comfortable with me going to the mall en femme. Both of these situations are different and opened up new fears, new emotions, new thoughts.

But being concerned doesn’t mean I was making the right decisions. It didn’t make me listen.

Why? If I was “concerned” why was I making bad decisions?

I was lost in the fog. I was so focused on myself that I didn’t always listen to her or pay attention to her nonverbal communications. When you are with someone for long enough you can usually sense when something ISN’T fine, even when they say it is. Sometimes it just means that they are not ready to talk about something.

I was also drinking a lot back then. When I was drinking or hungover my thought process, my ability to think things through and consider the potential consequences was pretty bad, to be honest.

After what as been more or less a ten year journey for myself but also for my wife and ultimately for US, we have both settled into my gender identity. I think the days of her wondering and worrying I would want to transition are gone and that the desire to come out to others has dissipated. No new milestones, no new paths on my adventure. Hannah has arrived to where she was heading to.

There is a peace in myself but also between my wife and I when it comes to who I am.

Of course this wasn’t ever easy. At first it was one major new leap after another. With each new THING, whether it was a wig or a name or starting the MN T-Girls or stepping out, new fears and concerns and emotions surfaced. These emotions for me were pink filled moments of excitement. For my wife… not so much.

Now that we are at the point that we are at, I can look back at the past. It’s not unlike being at the top of a mountain and seeing how far you’ve climbed and being able to recall the points where you stumbled. The hard parts. The moments you wanted to turn back. We’re at a point where my wife can tell me things like “When you were first doing THIS, it made me feel THIS way”. She can tell me she told me she was fine with something but in reality it really was stressful. She can tell me that in the early days how lonely she felt because she couldn’t talk to anyone about her husband’s wardrobe.

It’s very possible she tried to tell me these things at the time. As I said I was lost in the fog, drunk, hungover, and just too focused on me, too focused on Hannah, to really listen.

I’m glad she told me these things then as well as after the fact. I’m glad she feels secure to tell me how I made her feel. Of course I feel horrible about all this. To realize how selfish and self-absorbed as I was.

It’s another example of how often it’s not the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem… it’s the things that can come FROM it.

I am often reminded of my selfishness, my self-centeredness, my carelessness, and my mistakes when I receive an email from a partner of a crossdresser.

Something that may be worth keeping in mind is how similar t-girls and crossdressers are. Many, many of us had the same feelings and desires as we grew up, as we came to understand and accept who we are. Many of us can relate to each other. Many of us have done, and want to do, the same things as each other.

We also make the same choices. These are not always the right choices. I admit I didn’t always make the best decisions when it came to this side of me years ago. These decisions impacted my wife. If you made the same choices as I did, it, it may be safe to assume they also affected your own partner in the same way my choices affected my wife.

Listen.

WE are all very similar. And our partners? They are all very similar as well. Why is that? Well, they are all involved with someone that most of the world thinks is a big, tough, manly man… but in the privacy of their own home, or in the safety of the internet… things are not what they seem. Our wives, partners, and girlfriends can all relate to each other in this.

If we as crossdressers and t-girl make poor decisions we will more than likely cause our partners to feel and experience the very same emotions and thoughts that my wife experienced.

The emails I get from partners of crossdressers are all strikingly similar. I am saying this not only to let those like myself know this, but also if your partner crossdresses I want you to know that although you feel alone in this, there are countless other wives and girlfriends who can relate to you. This side of us is complicated for us, but it is complicated in different ways for our partners.

Please know this. I am not wise. I am not, and have never been, the world’s greatest spouse. I am not the most enlightened crossdresser on the planet. If anything, I am fairly introspective, I am an overthinker, and I read a lot. In this example, I read a lot of emails and comments from the partners of people like myself.

During those early days I was absorbed with myself. With Hannah. I wasn’t paying that much attention to what my wife was feeling. I was lost in the fog, I was drinking, I wasn’t who I wanted to be and I wasn’t who I am today.

I was only listening to myself.

If I could turn back time and talk to myself, if I could talk to Hannah in those exciting and selfish days… well, maybe I would listen.

But I can’t do that. But maybe I can talk to you.

I am not here to preach, to lecture, to shake my finger at you. That would be hypocritical. If I think you are making a mistake it’s only because I made the same mistake. I didn’t know it at the time but in hindsight I realize so many decisions were, to say the least, selfish.

What I will say here are what many, many of our partners are telling me. And it’s very possible it’s YOUR own wife that emailed me. A lot of the emails I receive say things along the line of “…my husband reads your website…”

I know this side of us is not always easy… and it’s not always easy to hear how we as human beings can negatively impact others. I think I will forever be haunted when I remember how my colleague felt, how lonely my wife was, the countless other interactions and relationships I’ve had over the years where I said or did the wrong thing…

This rambling post is an effort, from one crossdresser to another, to let you know what your partner might be feeling based on emails I’ve received. What they might want to tell you. Perhaps what they already have told you… but their words fell on deaf ears.

Admittingly some of this might be hard to hear and hard to swallow. I can relate. I often had to brace myself when my wife would say “I need to talk with you about something” and I absolutely knew what we would be discussing.

For the sake of simplicity, I am going to use the word “wife” as opposed to alternating between “partner”, “spouse”, or “significant other”. Most emails I get from our partners are indeed our wives so let’s stick with that.

Once again, I want to reiterate that I am absolutely not holier than thou. Every single thing here is what my wife and I discussed over the years. I am as flawed as anyone.

I also want to make it clear that I am absolutely writing this from my perspective and my own interpretation. I am very aware I could be missing the mark on this.

What Is Your Wife Feeling?

In a word, overwhelmed. She is trying hard to understand YOU, the WHY, the REASONS. I know this side of you might be incredibly simple but, well, it’s not.

She wants to be supportive and wants you to live your truth BUT feels she is putting her feelings aside and is focusing on YOU. Some wives feel like they have to sacrifice their own desires and needs and be loving and giving. If you have kids you have likely seen your wife put aside her own needs for your children… whether it’s giving up sleep or a job or a social life. Some women feel that is expected of them. She might putting her needs aside for YOU and for this side of you.

What Is Your Wife Having a Hard Time With?

The CONSTANT conversation about clothes, makeup, going out together…

Trust me, if you’ve asked her ONCE about going out as girls and she declined you don’t need to ask her again. She remembers. She knows the offer is still out there. She knows you still want to do this. If and when she is ready she will let you know. Repeated requests and bringing it up again is not going to help and will probably, hm, backfire on you.

And yes it’s super fun to talk about clothes and style and fashion. For many of us we’ve been wanting to talk about this side of us for years, especially with our wives… and when we get the chance it is like a breaking dam. It’s a relief for us… but can be very overwhelming for our partners. Reel it in a little.

Your wife may also be tired of the CONSTANT same thing in the bedroom. Intimacy between people is a balance of “oh, THIS again?” and “Wow, WHERE did you learn that?”. It’s not uncommon for people to try new things in the bedroom. People enjoying sex with each other might take some time. Learning what you like with that person, learning what that person likes… just finding a flow that works for you both that is satisfying and sincere and fun.

Roleplaying, fantasies, costumes… all of these things can change the dynamic between people. If your wife wears… you know, THAT nightgown you probably knows what she is trying to communicate to you. PAY ATTENTION.

Aaaand of course, WE want to wear a nightgown too. And likely other things. Sometimes our wives are, well, up for it. Your wife knows you wear lingerie. She knows you probably want to (and you might already) wear something sexy, something femme to bed. This changes the moment. You may put on something cute and you may want to… hm, be the girl, for lack of a better phrase. Your wife might be into that, but maaaaybe not all the time. She maybe wants to have sex with her MAN. Your wife, again, for lack of a better phrase, might want to be the girl. To be the cute one. To be the sexy one. It might take her out of the moment if her husband’s lingerie is cuter than hers. Cue her feeling insecure.

And yes, I know we have needs too and I love lingerie on an almost obsessive level but this side of us is a lot to take in. A lot to put up with.

Sex is not always about SEX. Sex is sometimes an intimate moment between two people. Two people who have committed to a life together. It’s a time to enjoy each other, a moment of refuge from a demanding life. A crossdressing husband brings a lot of baggage and tension and stress. Intimacy is a break from deadlines and Zoom meetings and household chores and bills… and she might also want a break from her man’s penchant for bras.

And yes, she is very likely really hesitant and reluctant to bring this up to you.

What Is Your Wife Afraid of?

She’s afraid you are in denial. This was my wife’s fear. No matter how many times we discussed that I was not strutting towards transition she had a very, very hard time believing that. In retrospect I don’t blame her at all. We went from me telling her that I liked to wear panties to a femme name and going out en femme in a couple of very short and quick years. It seemed like I was going a million miles an hour towards estrogen. It felt inevitable to her.

Time dissipated this fear for her. Somehow she held in there until enough time passed for her to be at peace with this side of me. This was a LOT for her, it was too much. She felt so alone. My heart breaks a little when I remember these days for her.

My words meant nothing to her. It was a little hard to believe me when I was en femme and telling her that I didn’t want to be full time. I mean, she saw how happy I was. She perceived that this side of me made me happy (and it does) and thought (and understandably so) I always wanted to be this happy and would want to transition.

I didn’t have the perspective on who I am at this time. I didn’t have the words to reassure her. I wish I had been seeing a counselor at this time. Not because I needed help understanding who I was, but I think if she knew I was speaking with a trained professional about my identity AND still feeling that transitioning wasn’t for me then she might have felt a little more at ease.

So, perhaps seek out a therapist, one that specializes in gender if you can. You don’t need to see a therapist every week for years… even a few sessions can be helpful.

Your wife is afraid of coming off as non-supportive. This can be… hm, this can feel hypocritical for people in our lives. My siblings and mom are fierce advocates and allies of the LGBTQ+ community. BUT this side of their brother is a little… well, it is taking some time for them to be comfortable with.

Your wife might be in a similar situation. She may have a lot of gay friends and you might (naturally) assume that her having and loving her gay friends is just a hop, skip, and a strut away from loving a gender queer spouse. It’s not. For any of us that have come out to our partners we likely know this from experience.

This was something that I learned early on. Based on the friendships my siblings have, I (naively) assumed they would also be enthusiastic and supportive of me. They are… they were… in their way. It wasn’t instantaneous. It was an adjustment for them.

Your wife might also be afraid of someone finding out which I wrote more about more in depth here.

She is afraid you will cheat on her. It’s normal for our partners to think that because we are blurring the lines of gender that we may also be blurring the lines of sexuality. She likely has wondered if you are gay, to be honest. Although to many of us wearing panties has absolutely nothing to do with being intimate with a man, it’s not that simple, not yet anyway, to our partners.

Listen, the Pink Fog can be dangerous. Your wife has likely already felt that THIS side of us is making us do things that contradict what she is used to. I’ve heard from wives telling me that their husbands are very fiscally responsible so it was a huge shock to learn that their spouse just dropped hundreds of dollars on heels.

This side of us can tempt us to do things out of character… including cheating. A common fear that I hear from our wives is that if they request that you stop wearing lingerie during sexy times it may lead you to looking for someone else to dress up and be intimate with.

And yes, I know that this didn’t cross your mind. It certainly didn’t cross my mind when my wife expressed this fear. Regardless, it’s something many of our wives are thinking.

What Are You Not Hearing?

Years ago I spent the day out en femme. When I got home my wife asked about my day and I told her where I went. After a moment she reminded me that she requested I not go to a certain mall that I went to that day. She has too many friends who go there on the weekend and was afraid someone would see me.

This is understandable and reasonable.

However, I had no recollection of this request. I do one hundred percent believe her though. This was a perfect example of our partners setting a boundary and me absolutely not listening. It’s very possible I HEARD it but quickly forgot about. Again, the Pink Fog…

Some of us let a boundary request go in one ear and out the other. Some of us ignore it. If she asks not to post a photo, leave the house, or whatever else, please listen to her. Please don’t try to get away with it. Again, it’s not always the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem… it’s the things that can come FROM it.

Some of our wives feel like they are talking to a brick wall when it comes to this side of us. This side of us, as I mentioned above, can find it’s way into the bedroom. Intimacy, sexy time, fun in the bedroom… there’s a lot going on between two people. Sometimes sex is raw, passionate, intense. Sometimes it’s gentle, an expression of a love and commitment. Regardless, it’s something that both of you need to feel satisfied with.

That satisfaction is more than the PHYSICAL. It can also be emotional and respectful. If your wife asked you once not to do THAT or touch her THERE then you need to listen. It’s not always easy but we need to pay attention to what our wives are saying, feeling, and responding to… especially in bed. If you feel her energy shift when she sees you in a cute bra and panty then maybe take them off.

And I don’t know about you, but what I am wearing can change my mood. If a work week brought stress and frustration I can bounce back from it by getting dolled up and spending a Saturday en femme. This is also felt when I am being lazy in leggings and a femme shirt (like I am wearing right now) or feeling sexy in lingerie.

I have received emails from wives who tell me that their man is a raw and sexual animal… but when they are in lingerie suddenly they are submissive.

Look, roleplay is a normal and fun thing in the bedroom… BUT it requires a new level of communication. If your wife tells you that she is uncomfortable with SOMETHING, then don’t do it. If your wife doesn’t like being called _________ during sex, then don’t do it.

Likewise if she asks you to leave your lingerie in your dresser during sex then listen to her. She has needs too and they can go beyond her sexual needs. She needs to feel respected and listened to.

And yes, you have needs too. It’s very likely you WANT to wear lingerie during sex. After all, lingerie and sex is pretty synonymous with each other. It’s normal to be aroused while wearing a Basque and stockings. It’s natural to want to be more aroused during intimacy and let’s face it, wearing something cute or slutty or sexy is a GREAT way to do that.

Some wives are afraid you are having only having sex because it’s an excuse, a chance to dress up and the sex is not about desiring HER.

That being said, let your wife set the boundaries here. Have this discussion OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Ask her what she thinks of you wearing lingerie.

Her response will likely go a few different ways.

“I don’t mind it, but please, not all the time”

“It kinda bugs me that you have sexier lingerie than I do”

“I am afraid that if I am not wearing something equally cute you may not be turned on by me”

“Aren’t I enough? Why do you need to wear lingerie?”

“Lingerie changes you… sometimes I like you being “a girl” in bed, but I am not always into that”

“I support your crossdressing but please, could you not dress up when we are having sex?”

These might be disappointing, to say the least, to hear. Of course we would prefer our wives to say that their man wearing a bra makes them very horny and that you should go buy more lingerie but that’s not likely going to happen. Sorry.

Please know that whatever she says about this topic likely required an insane amount of courage. It’s likely something she’s been wanting to tell you but could never find the opportunity or the right words.

Whatever she says, listen.

Love, Hannah

The Vibe

by Hannah

There will always be things that are unknowable. Not knowing something doesn’t mean you are unintelligent. Well, not always. True wisdom is knowing that there are things that are unknowable and accepting that it’s pointless and futile to TRY to understand all unknowables.

Spellcheck says that “unknowables” isn’t a word but who cares.

I have (mostly) stopped speculating why I am who I am. Humans are complex creatures that are shaped by our biology, our experiences, the people in our lives. All of these things are going to influence our feelings, perspectives, and yes, our wardrobes. It’s pointless to try and dissect every single aspect of what makes up a person.

And even if you could, it would explain THAT person. This type of, ah, research would need to be done from scratch for someone else.

It’s not unlike cooking. I have a hard time identifying a certain ingredient or spice in food. I mean, yes, I know when something is salty or savory or sweet, but my wife will sometimes as if there’s too much garlic or paprika in something she makes and really I have no idea. I can’t separate different tastes. All I know is that it tastes really good.

I’m glad I have stopped (again, for the most part) trying to figure myself out. I wish I could do the same for other people, though. Although what someone thinks of me isn’t something I spend a lot of time worrying about or adapting to, I do wonder why some people react to something in a certain way.

In some situations, it’s pretty clear if you look for a common factor. I used to have a coworker who would complain that every woman he talked to was cold or unfriendly to him. And honestly? It was true. All of the women we worked with HATED him.

Because of his experiences, his perspective was shaped into the opinion that all women hated men.

But the reality was that he was just an asshole. He was rude to women, made in appropriate comments, told sexist jokes, and talked about the clothes his female students wore. It didn’t take long for him to be fired.

So yes, women were less than friendly towards him. The common denominator was how HE treated women… it wasn’t because all women hated men, they just hated HIM.

He gave off a creepy (to say the least) vibe. And the universe responded to that. It didn’t take a psychologist to figure out why people reacted to him in the way they did.

It’s not always this simple to determine why some people react to something, or to someone. Annnd for the most it’s not worth your time to understand annnd it could be one of those unknowable things.

But I have to admit I get curious about some things from time to time.

When it comes to fetishes and kinks, I admit that I will never know why something turns someone on. It’s just how someone is wired. And honestly? I don’t need to know or want to know the specifics. People have their… ah, interests and I do as well.

I mean, even if there is a deep-rooted psychological reason for why someone is into something, unless it’s hurting someone or leaving something traumatic unresolved, and that all people involved are consensual, let people be.

I accept that crossdressing is a fetish or kink for some of us. I accept that crossdressers are a fetish or a kink for someone else. I don’t think it’s really necessary or interesting to understand the WHY of it.

My gender identity has shaped my experiences. I’ve written before how CROSSDRESSER was the very first thing I ever searched for when I went online for the first time. This search introduced the concept and the reality that crossdressing was very, VERY sexual to (seemingly) many crossdressers.

And often to the non-crossdresser. I think it’s safe to say that a lot of people associate “men wearing girl clothes” with sex. This association is often made by someone who doesn’t understand gender identity (or doesn’t care to try). This association can also be made by someone who themselves is aroused by “men wearing girl clothes”.

Of course, we know that this is not the case. I think you all know that this side of me isn’t sexual in any way. And for many of you it’s the same… this side of you, this side of us is who we are.

I think through years of blogging and posts that I’ve… hm, proven that this side of me isn’t a kink or a fetish. At first blush it might be easy to think that I am “just” a crossdresser and that since I am, from some people’s perspective, “a man wearing girl clothes” that there is likely a sexual side to all of this. I’ve hopefully demonstrated that THIS is about who I am… not about SEX.

Of course, there’s nothing WRONG if this IS about sex to someone. I am not here to judge. If it makes you happy it can’t be that bad, after all.

I am not sure if you’ve noticed, but I post a LOT of pictures. My pictures cover quite the range from ballgowns to lingerie to PVC dresses to cute outfits. Different photos create different responses. For the most part I am rarely surprised by the reactions a picture can get.

But sometimes? Not only am I surprised I am often confused.

Identifying as transgender, in my opinion, can cover a lot of territory and can range from THIS being a sexual thing to a very serious, intimate, sacred identity. There are people who don’t differentiate the differences and subtleties and there are those who, well, don’t care (or think there are any) any differences between a fetishist and someone who has transitioned.

Some t-girls go to great lengths to explain who we are in an effort to hopefully help someone else understand who we are and who we are not. I wouldn’t be surprised if every t-girl reading this site has had the “no, I am not a drag queen” talk with someone in their life.

Not that there’s anything wrong with drag. But I think for some of us we don’t want to be confused with the dominant perception of a drag artist. I am not a performer, I am not interested in a three foot tall wig or exaggerated makeup.

I’ve also had the “no, this isn’t a fetish” talk with my wife, girls I’ve dated, my therapist.

I like to think that my photos convey a sense of… hm, class? Real world femulation (to borrow a phrase from the legendary Stana), if you will. I don’t THINK I give off a “I am en femme because I am turned on by it” vibe.

I recently tweeted a photo and it gained a TON of activity. Much, much, much more than usual. As of this writing the photo has 508 Likes, 37 comments, and 24 retweets.

I was very much taken aback. I am not trying to be humble but I was surprised to see this much interaction especially compared to the photo I tweeted before this one which had about a half of the “likes”.

The photo also kicked off a flurry of new followers and a ton of DMs (direct messages). I read my DMs and will sometimes look at the profiles of new followers and it seemed that many of my new followers were, well, chasers.

Chasers are typically men who say and think that they identify as straight and are very drawn to t-girls and crossdressers. I could be wrong but it seems like chasers fetishize girls like us.

Again, nothing wrong with a kink or a fetish (provided it does no harm and it’s consensual for all those involved).

It’s not uncommon to get emails/comments from chasers and for the most part they are pretty harmless. They are typically along the lines of compliments or (seemingly) well intentioned messages.

I’m sure some of these messages are “testing the waters” and seeing if I will respond in a way that may start a conversation that might lead to “something else”. It doesn’t, and it never will.

In my experience most guys back off. And I am thankful for that.

However, the above photo, and the photo below seemed to… unleash a LOT of VERY sexually driven comments.

These comments and messages were very detailed, very explicit, very sexual, very kinky, very… ugh. And they haven’t slowed down.

This was a little surprising to me. I mean, I like these pictures, I like these dresses and these heels, but they didn’t seem to be SEXUAL to me. They may be SEXY to some, but not SEXUAL (there is a difference).

When I post lingerie pictures I get (and expect) those type of comments (but it doesn’t make them acceptable or welcomed). It just… kind of comes with the territory, unfortunately. Thankfully it’s easy to mute and block people which prevents them from interacting with me or seeing my activity.

I know some men (and yes, not all men) will shoot their shot to anyone or anything. I guess what I am wondering (and it took long enough to get here) is if I am sending a message that I am not aware of or intending?

I don’t think I give off a “I WANT SEX” vibe.

…do I?

Love, Hannah

The Fetishization of Crossdressing

by Hannah

I believe that most people think a lot of kinks and fetishes are weird.

I mean, if you think it’s hot when a girl wears stilettos or a leather skirt that’s one thing. Those are pretty… hm, common things to be attracted to? I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that most straight dudes think a pretty girl wearing a tight skirt is attractive. I think most guys would understand and agree if one of their buddies told them that they think girls in high heels are hot.

When someone has a kink or a fetish that is oddly specific that’s when things can get a LITTLE out of the ordinary. For a while I had a guy who emailed me on the regular asking if I would wear a very specific type of dress for a photo shoot. I mean, I get these requests from time to time but they are usually along the lines of “wear a schoolgirl skirt” and “wear a latex dress”. I mean, I would love to wear a latex dress but girl, they are expensive. If you want me to wear one, then buy me one, lol.

The dress he requested wasn’t “sexy” in the traditional sense. I don’t want to get into toooo much detail as I don’t want to call him out but for the life of me I couldn’t understand why this dress was so alluring to him. A French Maid dress? Yes, I get that, but the one he kept asking about? I couldn’t figure it out and the more he requested it and the more in detail he got in describing it the weirder it became. I became pretty uncomfortable after a bit and thankfully he has since backed off.

Again, consent is necessary for anything sexual.

Sometimes I get invited to add a photo to a group on Flickr. Most of the time the groups are along the line of “t-girls in pretty dresses” or something like that. Something pretty broad and general. But other times the group is very, very specific like “t-girls who hold their purse in the crook of their arm” or something like that. It’s like… why is that hot for you??

I don’t spend too much time thinking about why someone thinks something is arousing. I mean, I don’t WANT to think about it in the first place, but I also know there’s usually not a reason why someone thinks something is erotic. It’s usually just how someone is wired.

I grew up knowing that although wearing girl clothes wasn’t wrong, I also knew it wasn’t something most boys did. It was ingrained in me at a very early age to hide this part of me. When I was five and entered kindergarten the WORST thing a boy could do was doing ANYTHING that a girl did. If you colored with a pink crayon or jumped rope then you were teased. Mercilessly.

We have a need to belong, to have friends, to be part of a community. We are not meant to isolate from the rest of the world (at least not for very long). We need collaboration, cooperation, and to socialize.

Being ostracized from the other kids in your class was traumatic. No one wanted to be left out.

So, I learned really early to not do anything that could lead to this. I learned to pretend to like certain television shows or to play sports that I had no interest in doing. I went along with the crowd. I assimilated.

And yes, hiding my crossdressing was part of that.

It still is.

When most people get their first exposure to crossdressing it’s usually portrayed for laughs or in a sexual way. If a boy ripped his pants in a cartoon and the tear revealed he was wearing pink panties with hearts on them it was meant to be HILARIOUS. As we grew older and our entertainment became more adult we would see movies that sometimes showed a man wearing lingerie as a kink or again, for laughs.

This annoyed me.

I would see things like this and for a split-second feel… hm, represented? But then it would quickly turn into a comedic or sexual scene. And not “sexy”, more like… creepy.

I didn’t like how crossdressing was portrayed. I’m not saying it needed to be shown as some sort of dramatic moment, but I would have loved to have seen crossdressing as something more… subtle, I guess? Like how groundbreaking would it be see to a television show where the husband and wife get ready to sleep and he changes from a suit into a black nightgown and…. that was it.

This sexualization made my life more complicated. Whenever I came out to someone I had to make sure they knew that THIS wasn’t a kink. I had to acknowledge that YES, to SOME it is INDEED a fetish but for me it was just what I wore. It was exhausting to come out since so much of “the talk” focused on what crossdressing WASN’T (at least to me). And to be fair, to most people their experiences with “men wearing lingerie” was almost always portrayed as kinky so it’s not surprising that someone had that assumption.

Look, I am very sex positive. I think a healthy sex life is very beneficial. I am not here (or anywhere) to kink-shame. If this is a fetish to you, awesome. If a t-girl holding her purse in the crook of her arm turns you on, enjoy this picture:

My point is that the sexualization of who we are and what we wear will forever complicate our lives and impede acceptance of who we are. I’ve written before about how I am terrified of being outed as a crossdresser more than I am terrified of being outed as a t-girl and that is solely based on the misconception of what *this* side of someone is about. As sexually charged our society is, it’s really odd to see how repressed we are. We giggle and become squeamish about sex.

I do admit I overthink about most things in my life, but am I alone in this? Does the sexualization and fetishism of crossdressing irritate anyone else? Did you have to “unpack” crossdressing as a kink when you’ve come out to someone as well?

Love, Hannah

Kinkiness and Crossdressing

by Hannah

There’s is nothing wrong with most fetishes or kinks provided that they don’t hurt someone else (emotionally or physically) and if they require participation of someone else they have that person’s consent.

If I shut off certain parts of my brain, I can understand the appeal of most kinks and fetishes. They may not be for me, but I can usually see the attraction to it. Of course, there are some (that will be unnamed) that I will never for the life of me understand. And that is okay. I don’t get why some people enjoy watching professional bowling on television either, so there you go.

Many of us are sexually aroused by what we do. This could be someone getting turned on by they themselves wearing lingerie or a person fetishizing a girl like me. Although there’s not a drop of sexual pleasure I derive from dressing up, I mostly get the sexual aspect of allll this.

I am not here to kink shame anyone You do you, promise, but leave me out of it, bestie.

It’s sometimes… fascinating to see the polar opposites that being transgender can have. On one end we have the sexual/kinkiness of dressing up, on the opposite we have the activism side as we fight for our rights. And then there’s everything in-between.

I call myself an accidental activist because I’ve accepted that being transgender is often politicized. As much as the world needs changing I don’t feel that I am the right person to lead that movement. I feel I can create a greater impact on showing the world that transgender people are just people living their lives when I am simply out of the house en femme.

I’ve also accepted that I will forever receive unsolicited photos and emails and direct messages of dudes looking to hook up and to tell me how much they love “trannies”.

It’s ALMOST amusing to check my emails in the morning and see messages that cover both the “u r sexy” variety and the news alerts about potential legislation to hurt our community.

It’s like… much of the world hates us but we turn them on, too.

Anyway.

I have been fortunate to work with a lot of designers and business that support our community who make clothes and products for people like myself. I work for? with? En Femme and I love writing and modeling for them. I choose to partner with them because I think their clothes are super cute and they are simply a joy to work with. I do product reviews for the Breast Form Store and Glamorous Corset and have also written and modeled for Xdress and Glamour Boutique. I love this. It’s not only super fun but I also like to bring attention to businesses that truly support us, not just businesses that change their Twitter logo during Pride month.

However not every business that designs products for the trans community is for me. There are businesses that design panties with wider leg holes or more room in the shoulder area for girls with my body type. There are designers that make lingerie or breast forms for my anatomy. But there are also businesses that specifically focus on the sexual and fetishy aspect of crossdressing. Again, there’s nothing wrong with this and I’m sure that silicone vaginas and lifelike masks (and goodness some of them are VERY lifelike) are a godsend to some of us out there.

I am contacted from time to time from businesses like these who ask about partnerships or advertising on my website. I am happy to promote businesses that I feel align with my perspectives but I don’t see myself adding advertisements to my blog. This is not a criticism of those girls who DO, mind you, it’s just not something that I see happening.

I don’t want to be a bitch and call any business out, mind you. I don’t want to stigmatize “crossdressing as a kink” in any way. Again, someone’s kink should be a private thing that I have noooo business in knowing about. Don’t need to know, don’t WANT to know.

The countless photos of myself on my website probably suggest otherwise, but I will never claim to be more important than I know I am. I am a raindrop in the transgender ocean. That being said, I don’t think of myself as a spokeswoman or any sort of authority when it comes to crossdressing. There are many parts of identifying as non-cisgender that I have no experience in. I don’t know what it’s like to transition or take hormones. I also don’t have experience in the “crossdressing is a kink” world, either.

For those of you who do indeed associate all of *this* with sexual arousal, what is your take on products that are meant to… ah, enhance the kinkiness of what we do and of who we are? Are you glad to be able to buy masks and things along that line?

Love, Hannah

Let’s Talk About Catfishing

by Hannah

Like many terms in our little world, such as “passing”, “being read” and “clocking”, catfishing means something other than what you’d think it would.

‘Catfishing’, or ‘fishing’, is used a lot more broadly than it used to. According to Urban Dictionary, it’s defined as the phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships (over a long period of time).

But for a while it was used to describe a t-girl who really, ah, enjoyed “tricking” cisgender heterosexual men into them thinking they were a cisgender girl. Usually the reveal occurred during an intimate moment, if you know what I mean.

I’ve always hated this. And here’s why!

First of all, there’s no such thing as what a girl should look like, whether she is transgender or cisgender. Girls can be tall or have a penis or need to shave their face. Catfishing typically involves a t-girl looking SO FEMININE that men are duped into thinking that she is a cisgender girl. Look, I understand and can relate to wanting to dress and present as feminine as someone possibly can. I attempt this with every outfit I wear and with every makeover I get. But I do what I do and wear what I wear because this is how I want to look and how I want to dress. I don’t think any of us needs to meet certain standards to be feminine, to be a girl, to be pretty.

Secondly, intentionally deceiving people is not a good look for the trans community. Some haters like to think that transwomen are trying to deceive men into thinking they are cisgender. And to be fair, that’s kind of what catfishing is. But I don’t think most transwomen are trying to deceive anyone.

This is also potentially very dangerous for someone to do. When we come out to someone we never really know how they will react. Someone learning that the cute girl they are in bed with has a penis could turn violent. There are too many stories of men getting angry when they learn that they are talking with a transwoman when they believed they were speaking with a cisgender girl. In situations like this it’s not uncommon for someone to use the “gay panic defense”. Citing Wikipedia, this is when a defendant claims to have acted in a state of violent, temporary insanity, committing assault or murder, because of unwanted same-sex sexual advances, typically from men. A defendant may allege to have found the same-sex sexual advances so offensive or frightening that they were provoked into reacting, were acting in self-defense, were of diminished capacity, or were temporarily insane, and that this circumstance is exculpatory or mitigating.

Again, I absolutely understand and can relate to wanting to look as femme as possible. But how I present is 1000000% about ME. I don’t dress for anyone else. I don’t dress to pass or to blend in. I don’t care if anyone “knows” I am transgender and it’s not a compliment if someone thinks that I am cisgender.

Finally, catfishing has an element of competition to it as well. Some t-girls and crossdressers who catfish sometimes gloat about how successful they are in tricking men and can criticize others for not looking “fishy” enough. Can we stop doing this? Can we stop competing with each other? Can we stop bringing others down?

We’re all in this together. We always have been, and we will always need to be, now more than ever.

Stay safe, stay pretty, support each other.

Love, Hannah

Truth or Dare

by Hannah

Crossdressing is sometimes portrayed as a challenge.

No, this isn’t about the challenge of trying to find the right foundation to cover up our stupid facial hair, this is about the… crossdressing DARES that we see online from time to time.

Do you know what I’m talking about? They seem to be mostly aimed at the “crossdressing is a kink” crossdresser (not that there is anything wrong with that).

These challenges are usually broken down into steps with the first “challenge” being something rather small and progressively becoming more advanced and tend to push people out of their comfort zone.

Not that this is a bad thing. This is EXACTLY what building up the courage to go out en femme requires. Baby steps. If they are thoughtful and well written, they can be immensely helpful when it comes to providing… ah, step-by-step guidance as to what you do first, what comes next, and so on.

These challenges almost always concentrating on what I call the practical side of crossdressing, such as focusing on clothes and heels and makeup. Which can be important! I think they are! However, they usually skip over the emotional and psychological aspects that crossdressing and presenting en femme usually requires.

What I mean is that it’s easy to find a wig, but often the wrong wig can trigger dysphoria. There are countless dresses that will fit us, but if we don’t like how we look in them it can be hard to feel that yes, we CAN be, and that we ARE beautiful. We can follow along with a makeup tutorial on Youtube, but if the products used aren’t right for our face shape or skin type we probably won’t look like the supermodel that we were expecting.

These disappointments can trigger a lot of negative feelings and frustrations and hopelessness.

In a lot of ways the practical sides to crossdressing are a zillion times easier than the psychological parts. Essentially a dress can fit, the heels can be comfortable, but if we don’t FEEL cute, if we FEEL we look “too male”, the clothes don’t matter at all.

Does that make sense? I hope so because I don’t know how to explain it differently.

Sometimes the challenges are a “point system” where you award yourself points for the different tasks you complete. Once the points are added up you can find out how much of a sissy you are, or whatever. Again, these tend to be mostly kinky in nature with wearing panties is worth one point but dressing up in teeny-tiny schoolgirl skirt while having anonymous sex with a stranger in the backseat of his 1993 Honda is worth ten points or something.

It’s sometimes jarring at how quickly the sexual nature of these challenges can escalate. The first challenge is tiny and innocent, but then all of a sudden you are getting dared to put on a frilly pink French Maid dress and having a gangbang at a truck stop.

I tended to score very low on these. And I have nooooo problem with that.

Like other things out there, these lists can be fun but also play up the sexual aspect of crossdressing. Again, there’s not anything wrong with that. But many of us dress how we do for so many reasons and kinkiness isn’t even relevant. There’s the fantasy aspect of this for some of us but for some this isn’t our truth.

From time to time I think about writing my own version of something like this, but I think the “challenges” would be, well, not fun. It’s easy to dare someone to buy a cute bra, it’s another thing to actually do it. Buying a bra is not as easy as it sounds, even if you’ve been wearing one for years. Cup size and band size are too be considered, and there are different bras for different outfits and different bodies and different, well, GOALS, I suppose.

But I suppose this is how ANYTHING is. Telling someone how to change a tire SOUNDS easy but, well, it’s NOT. Everything is easier said than done.

I am also hesitant to write something like along the lines of “instructions” because we all have different goals when it comes to this side of us. When someone asks me “how do I crossdress?”, I struggle with how to respond because, well, crossdressing could be as simple as painting your nails or as time-consuming and expensive as hair removal, breast forms, thigh pads, a $90 makeover, an expensive wig, and a killer dress with matching heels. It’s kind of up to you.

And! Step-by-step doesn’t always work for each of us. Our journeys are not linear or identical to everyone else (which is a tiny reminder that we shouldn’t measure our progress or self-worth in comparison to anyone).

I know I often sound like a wet blanket when it comes to crossdressing. I focus a lot on the reality of this side of us which can be a buzzkill. But please know that I absolutely understand that expressing our femme identity or wearing what we want (for any reason) is important AND I think it is really super fun. Yes, it’s a lot of physical work to shave and wiggle into a dress and cinch my corset and strut all day in stilettos, but it’s SO MUCH FUN. I love it. I love every minute of spending the day en femme. I love getting ready. I love shopping for clothes and wearing new panties for the first time. The magic is always there.

I suppose these challenges and the idea of awarding points is similar to thinking about what we SHOULD be, what we SHOULD look like, and so on. It’s easy to look at a list like these and feel that we are not femme or brave enough if we’ve only done half of the “challenges” and the rest feels intimidating.

Sometimes these “challenges” include something along the lines of “tricking” a guy at a bar that you are a “real” girl. UGH. So many things are wrong with that. There’s no such thing as a “real” girl. I KNOW that this is referring to “fooling” someone that they are a cis gender girl but girls are girls, trans or not. And! you don’t need validation from some loser drinking beer at some stupid bar. A guy being attracted to me isn’t a victory, in my opinion. It’s not the compliment that we are led to believe.

Listen. This side of us is super fun and amazing but it’s also some of the most difficult parts of our lives, especially on the emotional side of who we are. We don’t need to make it any harder by measuring our progress and what we do or what we wear against some silly list or by comparing ourselves with anyone else.

And yes, like changing a tire, this is easier said than done. Sometimes I feel cute but then I feel absolutely monstrous in comparison when I see photos of Heidi Phox or Farrah Moan.

On the flip side I do feel like a supermodel when I look at a recent photo of myself and compare it to a picture from a few years ago.

But maybe that’s the point?? Maybe we need to focus on our own personal growth and be happy with any progress we make, no matter how small or how long it takes.

Love, Hannah

Why Having a Crossdressing Husband is the Most Stressful Thing EVER

by Hannah

Okay, fasten your garter belts, this is a loooong one.

Look, if I have a, hm, a mission statement when it comes to my website is that I try to be supportive, realistic, and honest. I feel I am fairly self-aware and not oblivious to how who we are impacts our lives and the relationships that we have, particularly the relationships we have with our significant others. I want to be sincere and real when it comes to this side of us, whether it’s how humbling and how wonderful who we are is, or how to accept that passing isn’t real and that the world loves us and hates us more than we could possibly imagine.

This side of us is complicated. It doesn’t always make our life or our relationships any easier. I am not saying it can’t or won’t, but I think we all can relate to how our gender identity likely caused some stress and tension and uncertainty at some point in our lives.

It can also create, for lack of a better term, an identity crisis. Most of us wonder who we are at some point in our journey. Am I a crossdresser? Am I transgender? Am I gay? Am I a lesbian when I am en femme? Am I in denial? Is this is a phase? Oh, this list goes on.

Questions about identity and labels can be confusing and overwhelming. It’s typical to overthink them. I know I do. It’s normal to not care about labels but the next day we are back to pondering which label suits us best and what that label means.

And goodness, this is stressful, but this is a side of us that has likely always been there. We may be comfortable and confident with who we are. It may have taken decades but at some point we will likely get to a place, mentally and emotionally, where we are secure with who we are in terms of gender identity. In some instances we have adapted to the stress and have learned to live with it.

But as stressful at this is for us, it’s… it’s a lot for our significant others. No matter how often I assured my wife that I did not want to transition, it took a long, long, long time for her to see that I didn’t want to take that step. And the time it took for her to be at peace with who I am also came with fears, doubts, and tears.

Not only do I try to be realistic about this side of us when it comes to clothes and how we present and the expectations and hopes and dysphoria that who we are brings, I also try to be realistic when it comes to how our gender identity can impact our relationship with our significant others.

I get emails from partners of crossdressers who have fears and questions. These emails may even come from YOUR wife. It’s not uncommon to read an email that begins with “my husband reads your website” or to see that someone found my site by searching the words “my husband crossdresses”.

I do my best to be gentle. I try to be sincere and kind. Rose-colored panties YES, rose-colored glasses NO. Sugar coating this side of us does little good. I can recall when my wife looked for support and resources when it came to her trying to understand this side of me. The internet wasn’t much help and often amplified her fears. Yes, I told her that this wasn’t a sexual thing, but Google “helpfully” provided her with dating websites about hooking up with a crossdresser. Thanks, internet.

Sometimes the search results come off as tooooo light-hearted and naïve to be helpful. I wrote about this recently and it inspired me to try to write a similar list with hopefully a little more of a realistic perspective.

The purpose of this list is to acknowledge that this side of one’s significant other is likely going to be stressful, overwhelming, and confusing, to say the least. Our partners have questions, fears, and a lot of thoughts and emotions about who we are. It does little good to downplay any of these things. I am going to be as honest and as gentle as I can in this little (well, it’s not little at all) list as I can be.

This is also the longest thing I have ever written in MY LIFE. This post has been compiled by the many emails I have received over the years from wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancées, partners, and significant others. This took a long time to write and organize and variations of many of these questions have been posted on my website previously. Rest assured every question here has been previously asked of me over the years, although they may not have been posted before.

A couple of things:

-I can only speak for myself, my perspective, and my experience. My thoughts are based off my life as a trans person as well as from my marriage. Your relationship is YOUR relationship and I would never presume to be THE voice of authority when it comes to relationships, crossdressing, or when these two worlds collide. If you’d like my wife’s perspective on all of this, she did a little question and answer post here.

-I will absolutely encourage a partner of a crossdresser to seek out support if you need it, and you probably will. This part of your life can be very lonely. It’s not something that you may feel comfortable discussing with your friends. You may feel embarrassed that your big, tough husband who likes to hunt and fish also likes to wear panties. This is a normal feeling. I promise. A wonderful resources is PFLAG who offer support groups for people who have a family member who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

-Oh, I guess another thing. I am speaking in very, very broad terms here. I know that many relationships are positively impacted by *this* side of a person. There are many instances where this can bring two people closer together. And that’s wonderful! This can often happen. However, this list is for our partners who are struggling with coming to terms with this side of us.

-Wait! One more thing. This post may come off as a little harsh on crossdressers. I don’t mean it to be. Obviously I am a crossdresser and I love who I am. The vast majority of us are wonderful, kind, sensitive, considerate people. We have a side of us that makes us ridiculously happy but are fully aware of how difficult this part of us is for someone else to understand and accept. We know that what we wear causes a lot of stress and anxiety for our partners. We have a lot of empathy for our significant others. Wearing panties or nail polish or whatever we are drawn to makes us very happy but we also know that our significant others will struggle with this side of us. We don’t want to be a burden, we don’t want to put more stress on our partners, especially when it comes to something like this. So, we sometimes suppress this side of us, we try to stop crossdressing, we deny who we are. We do these things because we love our partners and we don’t want to hurt them, confuse them, or scare them. This is not typically meant to deceive our partners. We love our partners so much that we will try to be the best people that we can be and try to be the person we think our partner wants. We try our hardest to quit crossdressing. It’s not likely that will happen. But we still try. Our intentions may be good, but in retrospect we usually realize that yes, we should have been upfront at the beginning about who we are, what we wear… and everything else.

Okay, here we go.

Do I have to accept this? Do I have to let him crossdress?

Nope.

No one should stay in a relationship or incorporate something into it that they do not like or are comfortable with. If this side of your man, or any part of him or your relationship makes you unhappy, angry, turned off, or anything else, then you are under no obligation to “let” him crossdress.

This side of your man is likely not going to go away. He is likely not going to change. Even if it’s been a decade since he last slipped on a pair of panties and he never does so ever again, he is (in my opinion), and will always be, a crossdresser. If you are going to stay in the relationship or try to figure out where to go from here, then both of you will need to communicate on a level that you never have before. Many, MANY couples seek out counseling when this revelations comes to light.

The two of you may set boundaries, you may establish “ground rules”, you may adopt a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” agreement. You may ask him to never bring this up ever again. You might even file for divorce.

Crossdressing can sometimes be a deal-breaker. However, it’s usually not the crossdressing itself that ends a relationship. Sometimes there is lying involved with this side of someone that as a couple can be hard to recover from.

You may be hurt or angry that he didn’t disclose this side of him earlier. It would have been nice if he had told you about this before you bought a house and had three kids.

Your man is still the same man that he was before he came out to you. But you’ll see him differently, you’ll think of him differently. This is normal. This will often lead to you seeing in a different light, in a different perspectice.

And you may not like it.

This isn’t what you signed up for, in a sense.

But many couples do indeed make *this* work. If you are going to try to make this work or wishing to understand this side of him, then keep reading.

-Why is he like this? Why does he do this? Why does he want to wear a bra when I can’t wait to make mine off?

These are, unfortunately, mostly unanswerable questions. For the most part, the answers for these questions aren’t really satisfying. There’s really no “one size fits all” reason your man wears panties or anything else.

First, it’s important to know WHAT crossdressing is. So, let’s learn together.

Oh, you’re back!

Let’s get this reason out of the way. For some men, this is a sexual kink for him. Bluntly, it turns him on. It arouses him. It may be difficult to relate to this. You may wear heels because you *have* to and you look forward to kicking them off as soon as you get home. You may put on your bra and think about taking it off all day. If you feel this way it may seem strange that these same uncomfortable items could arouse someone.

If this is indeed a fetish for him (and it isn’t always) then please know that when someone is aroused by something it’s because… well, that is simply how they are wired. Fetishes and kinks typically develop at an early age. We see… SOMETHING and we are immediately intrigued by it. We look at it and we… react to it in a different way than other people do. For some, a glove is something you wear to keep your hands warm. For others, it’s the most erotic piece of clothing in the world. Fetishes rarely make sense.

In many movies and television shows, crossdressing is almost always showed as a kink. However, for most of us it’s not a fetish. We may feel beautiful, but this is not the same as feeling aroused.

If this isn’t a kink (and for some of us we THINK this side of is “just” a kink, at least initially) then it becomes even more complicated. For some of us we look at clothes as just something that can be worn and we don’t care if a piece of clothes is designed for a man or a woman. We just wear what we want, what we find comfortable, and what fits. For some of us, we just like to feel beautiful. Feeling beautiful is a different feeling than feeling handsome. For others, we want to wear something BECAUSE it’s “for girls” but this is more typical of men who crossdress as a kink, but this isn’t always the case.

For some of us, it’s just… fun and everyone has a different idea of fun. I have friends who watch golf for God’s sake and I would rather go to work than sit in front of a television while some man smacks a little white ball around.

Crossdressers tend to have a different relationship and perspective on clothes than what many cis women have. To you, a bra is a bra, or even a torture device. To me, a bra is beautiful and I am so happy when I wear one. Of course, you and I probably wear bras for different reasons.

Your man isn’t this way because of any childhood trauma. He may have a… ah, challenging relationship with his mother but that didn’t lead to him wanting to wear a dress.

So! In summary, there’s no real reason he is who he is. There’s no ONE reason EVERY crossdresser crossdresses. We are all uniquely and frustratingly different. I know that this doesn’t help and I’m sorry I can’t be more insightful but if it helps, there’s nothing “wrong” with your man.

-Will this side of him… keep going?

Maybe?? Today he told you that he likes to wear panties. Will he be taking estrogen in a year? Maybe?? But not necessarily. I’ve been wearing what I wear for decades but never have I felt the need to even consider hormones.

This was my wife’s fear. It was her fear for YEARS. No matter how often I reassured her she was still afraid. However, it’s been almost twenty years since I came out to her and the needle on estrogen or transitioning hasn’t twitched at all.

We are all on a journey. You, me, your husband, your best friend, the co-worker that you despise. Every person in your life is at a different point in their lives and our journeys are all different from each other.

Look, I HATE the word ‘journey’. It makes it sound like your husband is on a magical adventure and inaccurately suggests that he is on a beautiful path of discovery and that this is nothing but fun and rainbows. Every journey that someone is on is fraught with challenges and fears and self-doubt and mistakes and setbacks.

It’s okay if you hate this side of your man. It really is. You are allowed to. You are allowed to be angry and hurt and to feel whatever you’re feeling (not that you need anyone’s permission to feel anything). You do not have to be enthusiastically cheer him on. You are not obligated to join him in dressing up. Just as he is navigating this side of himself and trying to figure out who he is and what he wants and how *this* will factor into his life, you will do the same thing.

He may wear a nightgown tonight, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he will put on a skirt when he wakes up tomorrow. Most crossdressers will only underdress (meaning they only wear panties under their boy clothes) and will never wear anything else. Ever.

His journey could indeed go down different paths, however not every journey is leading to estrogen or transitioning.

When I came out to my wife while we were dating, *this* side of me was all about panties and lingerie. And today I am at a very different point in my life, my journey, my gender identity. This… progression, from panties to who I am today caused my wife a lot of stress. More stress than I will probably ever know. I told her often that I didn’t want to transition or take hormones BUUUUT it wasn’t easy for her to believe as she watched me go from *just* panties to shopping for a wig and adopting a femme name in only a few months. Of course she wondered and feared for where *this* was going. Who wouldn’t think or feel those things? It was hard for her to believe me when I told her that I wasn’t going to transition because from her perspective I just… kept going. From panties to a dress to makeup to a wig to… where I am today.

Hopefully your man is being honest with who he is and what he wants. If he is being truthful about who he is and what he wants, then this is who he is and what he wants as of today. Could this change? Yes. Will it? Maybe not.

-Is he lying? Did he lie to me? Will he lie in the future? Will he cheat?

Maybe? Probably? He may not have meant to lie. Please understand, there’s no excuse for lying. And yes, he absolutely should have told you about this side of him before you were engaged or moved in together or gotten married or had children together. For most of us, this is a part of us that… hm, develops early in our lives. We usually become aware of this side of us at a young age. He PROBABLY knew about this side of him before you two met.

He may have been in denial about this side of him. He may have hoped he could have…. ah, controlled this side of himself and suppressed his need, his want, to wear whatever it is that he likes to wear.

But this side of your man probably isn’t going to go away. He will likely always want to wear panties. Even if swears he will never ever wear panties again, I can almost guarantee he will think about wearing them every time he helps with laundry or passes by Victoria’s Secret in the mall.

Is he still lying (or at least not being completely forward) even though he has come out to you? Maybe? This side of us is… huge. It’s complicated. It’s hard to comprehend and explain. We may… downplay this side of us because we don’t want to scare you, drive you away, or overwhelm you. Your husband loves you and is trying to be gentle. I’ve done this. However, he does need to be transparent and honest about *this* as much as he can. And for all you crossdressers reading this, I absolutely understand that is much, much easier said than done.

If he lied, will he lie again? It’s natural to think that if your partner wasn’t honest (or at least not as forthcoming as they should have been) about something in the past that they will lie about it in the future. If you have a difficult time believing him about *this* please know that this is understandable and expected. It doesn’t make you a bad or untrusting person.

It’s NORMAL. If my wife lied about how much money she spent on, oh I don’t know, lottery tickets, of course I would have a hard time believing her whenever she went to the casino. Not that she is an out of control gambler mind you, but you know what I mean.

Relationships are hard. None of them are completely perfect. It’s okay if you accept your husband’s crossdressing but have a hard time believing he is always truthful about it. It’s okay if you understand that he is who he is but hate that he does this. Listen to your heart and trust your instinct. Acceptance of something isn’t always being happy about it. It’s often an acknowledgment that this is who he is and he isn’t (and probably can’t) change who he is.

And accepting that your husband crossdresses is essentially knowing that this side of him isn’t going away. Accepting doesn’t necessarily mean approval or supporting him or buying him panties. You can accept that your man wears panties, and you can reluctantly do so. Acceptance is often done reluctantly.

Will he cheat? I don’t think there’s necessarily an overlap between crossdressing and infidelity. But this is a normal fear. I promise. If crossdressing is a kink and arouses him, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he wants to wear lingerie and then want to have sex or masturbate. Will he want to have sex while he wears a bra and panties? Will be want to wear lingerie during sex? Probably. On some level, even if this is a kink, he wants to share this part of him, his life, with you. Let’s face it, when someone has a sexual kink they probably want to engage in that kink as much as possible and they likely want you to be INTO it, if you know what I mean.

Please know that consent is ESSENTIAL. If you are not comfortable with seeing your man in lingerie, or if it kills the mood, then you are under no obligation to be intimate to have sexy time with him. Hopefully he understands. It might be a disappointment and he may be pissy about it, but people need to be on same page when it comes to the big and important things, including intimacy.

You may be afraid that if you don’t… indulge or participate in his crossdressing while you’re intimate that he might seek out someone else to “play” with. Listen: if he cheats it’s not your fault. You are not responsible for his infidelity. You are not obligated to go along with ANYTHING you are not comfortable with.

Related reading:

Ask Hannah!

-Will he wear my clothes?

Maybe?? He probably has. I know I tried on my girlfriend’s clothes when she wasn’t home. This can feel a little violating and it’s okay to not be okay about this.

-He says he only likes to wear lingerie and insists he does not want to transition or wear other clothes. Is he in denial?

Mmmmm, probably not in denial, but it’s possible he MIGHT be downplaying all of this. If he is, it’s possibly because he is trying not to overwhelm you or scare you off. Yes, he should be disclosing EVERYTHING but in his own way he is trying to be gentle with you.

This side of someone is a LOT to take in. It’s a lot for our partners. Crossdressers know this. More than likely your man has gone his entire life without coming out to someone or talking about this side of him and now the floodgates are open and he is struggling to find the right words to voice his feelings.

It’s also likely he himself is overwhelmed and scared of his biggest secret being shared with someone, especially the most important person in his world.

It’s possible in a week, in a month, in ten years he may disclose that he also wants to wear, or already does, dresses or makeup. He may be easing you into this part of his life. He also may be testing the waters, so to speak, and wanting to see how you will react to him wanting to wear panties before the other stilettos drops.

-Is he transgender?

That is up to him.

When someone comes out for the first time, or early on in the aftermath of coming out, there’s a lot of uncertainty and, well, fear, when it comes to labels. For some of us, the “T Word” is scary and we are reluctant to identify as trans.

In my opinion yes, a crossdresser falls under the transgender umbrella. But please know, and even take solace in this if it helps, transgender doesn’t always mean transitioning or taking estrogen or feeling you are in the wrong body.

-What is he REALLY doing online?

Who knows?

When I am online I could be scrolling through Facebook, looking at the news, shopping for a new dress, or even doing actual work. I might be emailing one of Hannah’s friends or updating my website. I don’t hide my browser history, my wife could log into my laptop or phone anytime she wanted and look at what I am doing. This is not to say that she would or that your partner must disclose his passwords or whatever to his email. I just feel that, well, I have nothing to hide. My wife knows about everything. She sees what is in my closet, she reads my website, she brings in packages sent from En Femme and Xdress.

Years ago I visited a lot of crossdressing centric websites such as crossdressers.com. In fact, you may wish to create an account and poke around the forums if you wanted to get a little more insight into what this side of us may be about. I believe there’s even threads on there for partners of crossdressers.

I visited these websites for a few reasons.

-I was looking for resources for where to buy clothes that fit.

-I was looking for advice for makeup or tucking or walking in heels.

-I was looking for support, friendship, and for others like myself. People who could relate to the happiness and confusion and challenges that crossdressing can bring. Many, many of us are tormented by how this side of us can hurt and impact our significant others. It may look like all we care about are cute dresses and being pretty but the guilt we have over how this can make our partners feel is quite significant.

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you think your man might be looking for someone to hook up with if he is spending time on crossdressing websites. There is a very prominent portrayal of crossdressing as sexual and it can be misleading that this side of us is all about sex. The fetishistic side of men wearing lingerie has been a staple for decades and it will be for a very, very, very long time. I mean, lingerie for all genders is pretty synonymous with sex. This is how people like your man, like myself, have been portrayed in media since I can remember.

Obviously I don’t know exactly what he is looking at online, but it might not necessarily for sexual stimulation. I mean, he MIGHT be but it’s not a foregone conclusion.

It also wouldn’t be a surprise if you are tempted to, or have already looked at his browser history or read his emails. I am not here to condone or encourage this, but I can tell you I absolutely understand wanting to do so. Getting off topic for a smidgen I was dating a girl who I was almost certain was cheating on me. It drove me mad thinking one thing but being told another. It consumed me, to be honest. She wasn’t good at lying but was insistent she was faithful and told me I was being paranoid and insecure. I am not proud of this but I logged into her email and learned my suspicions were correct. Strangely this calmed me as it confirmed that my instincts were right. I wasn’t being paranoid. I wasn’t crazy. I never confronted her about this and we broke up shortly after. Again, I am not proud of this… but I get it. Promise.

-Is he gay?

Probably not.

This is likely the most common question and fear that you have.

Regardless of pink or how frilly or how lacy or feminine his panties are, his sexuality likely hasn’t changed.

However.

Does he want to have sex with a man or another crossdresser? Maybe??

I want to be as gentle as I can be, but there are some crossdressers who are… open to the idea of being with a man when they are dressed up. Not necessarily because they are ATTRACTED to another man, but, well, having sex with a man might make them feel more feminine. Your man MIGHT (and again not all crossdressers feel this way) want to be sexually treated like a woman when he is wearing lingerie or dressed from wig to heels.

I feel more feminine when a man holds a door open for me or when a man addresses me as “ma’am”. For some crossdressers a man showing a sexual interest in them makes them feel more feminine and that MAY lead to a man wanting to have sex with another man when they probably have zero interest in this when they are in “boy mode”.

It’s…. hm, in a way similar to someone who hates dancing but when they’ve had a few drinks they hit the dance floor. If that makes sense.

Some crossdressers tell me they are straight when they are presenting as a man, but identify as bisexual when they are dressed up. The reality is that their sexuality didn’t change when they changed their clothes. In my opinion they are feeling a little less inhibited when they are en femme compared to when they are dressed in boy clothes which makes someone feel a little more… receptive to things.

Some of us want so badly to feel feminine, to be treated as a woman, that we go to lengths that we didn’t think were possible. Sometimes the things we do betray our values and vows.

-Am I not feminine enough for him?

Please understand that I want to be as gentle as I can with these responses, especially with this one. But his crossdressing has nothing to do with what you wear or how feminine you are. He is not wearing sexy lingerie or bold makeup because his partner isn’t. He is not lacking femininity in his life. He is not compensating for any lack of “girl things”.

If anything, part of what attracted you to him was how pretty you are. Crossdressers NOTICE what someone is wearing. When I look at a woman in the real world I am noticing her shoes and her clothes. I notice her makeup. When I met my wife I was attracted to her cuteness, her sense of humor, her personality, and yes, how she dressed. I still am. She has always dressed cute and given how much I love girl clothes it was easy to fall in love with her style, among her other attributes.

-He keeps spending our money on clothes and is CONSTANTLY talking about crossdressing and when we have sex he’s the one that wears lingerie and I HATE it.

Yes, this happens a LOT, especially after he first comes out. When a crossdresser comes out he feels an enormous weight lifted off his shoulders. It’s likely he has been keeping this inside for decades and now that he has told someone it’s like the dam has burst. He feels relieved. He can talk about something that is a major part of his life and yes, he probably won’t shut up about it.

Unfortunately as much of a relief this is to him, it’s absolutely overwhelming to you. This likely came out of nowhere, whether he came out to you or you discovered this for yourself. After he comes out you likely need a drink, and some time to process it. This is absolutely normal. You may miss how things were “before”. You may want to pretend the conversation didn’t happen. You may never, ever want to discuss it again.

The weight has lifted from his shoulders… but passed it to yours.

There will be times when this is the last thing you want to talk about but he keeps going on and on and on about a dress he saw at the mall. Your man is lost in the Pink Fog. He is so absorbed in his crossdressing he literally can’t stop thinking about it, talking about it, and possibly DOING it. He will miss your nonverbal cues when the subject comes up. He brings it up ALL THE TIME. And it’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It feels like he is being selfish. You just want a normal night in but he keeps talking about the makeup the actresses are wearing in the show you’re binging.

And the shopping! Packages are being delivered, there are new panties in his drawer almost every day, and your shared bank account it taking a hit. Again, the Pink Fog.

So, what do you do? Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you feel again. And again. Just as he may miss your non-verbal cues he may be so absorbed by his crossdressing that it might take several conversations for him to get it. He is acting really differently and, let’s be honest, it’s really annoying and frustrating. And yes, communicating with your partner isn’t always easy. It’s sometimes hard to be direct. It’s challenging to find the right words to say. Again, this is when counseling can be very beneficial.

Sex needs to be about consent. You might want to be the one wearing pretty lingerie in bed. You may be turned off by seeing your man in a bra. Why is he wearing lingerie during sexy time? Three reasons:

-It turns him on

-He is hoping for a little… role play. He may want to “be the girl” in bed. He might have a lesbian fantasy. You many not want this AT ALL. If this happens (and it might) then clear and direct communication is key. Conversations about what happens in the bedroom, whether it is about wardrobe or anything else can happen before, during, and after intimacy.

-It makes him feel beautiful and we all want to feel beautiful during intimate moments.

Regardless of WHY he’s dressed the way he is in bed, if it makes you uncomfortable or you simply don’t like it, then he should stop.

-Will someone see him shopping for panties at the mall? Will someone see his bra strap under his shirt? Will our kids see his high heels in our closet?

Maybe?? Realistically these things could absolutely happen. My wife’s fear (and this is one I absolutely share) is someone we know seeing me buying a skirt at Target or shopping in the lingerie department. This is where the two of you need to set boundaries. I do most of my shopping online, to be honest. When I am en femme I go to malls and parts of the city where it is less likely I will encounter someone that my wife or I know.

Bra straps are almost always visible. There’s always the risk of the pink waistband of his panties peeking out of his jeans. Since I underdress (wearing panties) when I am in “boy mode” (which is most of the time) I am careful when I am stooping down lest the lacy waistband is visible. This has become second nature. Again, this is where boundaries and communications are crucial. If you are afraid of these things then you need to tell him. And hopefully he will listen.

And kids? Kids tend to be curious and tend to snoop around. I know I did when I was young. I was always going through my mom’s closet but I was always looking for a dress to try on. This is when your man needs to continue his… ah, vigilance, I suppose. For years he hid this side of himself and likely became very good at hiding his clothes and he will need to continue to do so if you don’t want your kids to find out.

-I am an ally and advocate of the transcommunity… but does being conflicted about my husband make me a hypocrite?

No.

You may be confused by this side of your man. It may even anger you. You may even hate it. This is a side of your partner that is hard to understand and is even harder to accept. You may be at a point where you accept that this is who he is and have accepted that this is a part of his life and therefor a part of your relationship, but you may never be “okay” with it. You are perhaps feeling terrified where this is going and what else he isn’t telling you. This side of him may have led to him being less than truthful about things. Again, it’s not always the crossdressing itself that is damaging, it’s finding out he’s been lying to you about SOMETHING.

Some crossdressers tell their wives they are going to Las Vegas for a work convention but in reality they spent a long weekend visiting a makeup artist and wearing a cute dress on the strip. Lies like these are what’s damaging and often impossible to heal from.

You likely know that people can’t choose their sexual orientation or gender identity. You can’t STOP being gay or feeling you were born in the wrong body. Someone like myself can’t STOP being who I am or wanting to wear what I want to wear. You may feel conflicted between knowing he can’t stop being who he is and not liking this side of him at the same time.

Still, even knowing that he can’t change this part of him it doesn’t mean you HAVE to accept it or allow it. The reality is that this side of your partner may not be something you want in your relationship. We all need stability from our partners. If your man isn’t sure of his gender identity then, well, he needs to figure that out. This is his journey and it’s not one you HAVE to take with him.

-What does he want or need from me?

What he wants and what he needs are two different things.

Typically.

Ultimately what he needs (even if he doesn’t realize it) is your honesty and communication. What he (probably) wants is for the two of you to go shopping together, to get makeovers, and have a girls night.

If you do not want to see him wearing panties, tell him how you feel. And yes, this is easier said than done. When we come out to our partners we feel… well, it feels like exhaling. We have been holding our breath for perhaps decades. It’s possible he will become so… enthralled with coming out that it’s a little like a bird being freed from a cage. Unless it’s very, very clear to him that this side of him is not to be discussed, he may talk endlessly about it. And yes, this will likely get annoying. It’s irritating whenever you have someone in your life that talks and talks and talks about the same thing ALL THE TIME, no matter if it’s about a podcast, work gossip, politics, or lingerie.

It’s even more grating when it’s a subject you feel conflicted or overwhelmed by.

What he (probably) needs are boundaries. Very clear rules (if you will) about how his crossdressing will factor into your relationship. He may have a hard time abiding by them, to be honest. I know I did. When I first started to wear dresses and makeup I would drive my wife crazy with only discussing clothes. She was still processing who I was and was easily (and understandably) overwhelmed and exhausted by the seemingly non-stop conversation about pretty dresses. I wasn’t paying attention to her cues to, well, give it a rest. I came off as selfish and self-centered. She often had to be more direct with me about my crossdressing than about other things.

You may hope that he picks up on your reaction or non-verbal body language when he talks about crossdressing or when he is dressing up, but there’s a good chance he may be so lost in The Fog that he isn’t paying as much attention to the rest of his world that he normally would. And I am just as guilty about this as anyone else.

Wow, are you still here?? How long did it take for you to read this? It took FOREVER to write and I am glad we went on this journey together. I like to think we discovered something about ourselves and the real treasure was the lessons we learned along the way.

In all seriousness, I hope this was helpful. I’ve written more about marriage and crossdressing here. I don’t presume this will cover all of your circumstances, questions and fears. This is, admittingly, a very surface-y perspective on many of the emails I get from spouses and significant others, including the emails YOU sent 🙂

Love, Hannah