Author: Hannah

Hannah is a t-girl who blogs about advice, fashion and activism in the transgender communuity

Merry and Bright and Glam!

by Hannah

This past weekend the MN T-Girls celebrated our annual holiday party and it was just… lovely. The holiday season is always packed with running around and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed so being able to spend a few hours with friends and eating yummy food and looking FABULOUS is a much needed break from everything.

This year’s party was especially nice because last year we weren’t able to celebrate the season together.

This was the final event of the year and it was wonderful to reflect on a busy and strange 2021. Hopefully 2022 will be more normal. 😉

Love, Hannah

New En Femme Blog!

by Hannah

My new blog for En Femme is live!

The latest from blogger, trans-activist and fashionista, Hannah McKnight, is now available in our Learning Center! Hannah’s blog discusses more in-depth her life as a self-described T-girl. 

In her newest article, Hannah talks about the importance of self-care and nurturing our femme side during the holiday season, which can be a stressful time for many of us.  Read it now>>

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I am very attracted to trans women. I’m not sure exactly why or what it is about them that causes this attraction. Although I’ve never been with a trans women before, I feel drawn to them.
I guess my question is, am I gay, bi, or attracted to the woman I see within a trans woman?

Hi!
Trans women are women.  Being attracted to a woman, trans or cis, doesn’t mean you are gay or bi.
All women are more than the body parts that she has.
Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

These Days

by Hannah

Last week the MN T-Girls had our annual photo shoot.  We booked a studio in what is referred to as ‘The Warehouse District’.  It’s a part of the city where, obviously, there used to be a lot of warehouses.  These days it’s mostly expensive apartments and trendy cafes and start-up companies.  

The studio doubled as a workspace for what I assume is something along those lines, perhaps an advertising firm.  While the other girls were getting their photos taken, I explored the office and studio a little.  I love seeing the culture and personality of a company, it gives you an idea as to what the people that work there are like.

There was a part of a wall that was covered with stickers.  They were mostly stickers for local businesses, such as coffee shops and breweries.  There was one that was stuck to the wall that simply read “These Days are Numbered”.  

I was struck by how… terrifying and encouraging this was.  

Well, maybe terrifying isn’t the right word.  Rather, it was a reminder that life is short.  Like all of us, my life has it’s ups and downs.  I have good weeks and bad weeks.  I was having a good day, a good week, when I read that sticker.  Those words were reminding me that these good moments wouldn’t always be so.  There will come a time when I am unable to wear five-inch stilettos.  When I am not able to fit into my favorite dresses.  That no amount of foundation can help me.  There may come a day when I am not able to dress.  

Of course, my life is more than my wardrobe.  The other parts of my life that bring me joy may vanish as well.  Friends move away, family members pass on.  Jobs may be lost, favorite bands might break up.  

If that sticker’s phrasing scared you, then maybe it’s a sign to live your life how you wish.

If you are going through a difficult time, then I hope those words brought you peace.  Whatever you are living with will pass.  The bad days are numbered too.  

Love, Hannah

Eight Years of the MN T-Girls!

by Hannah

This month marks the eighth anniversary of the MN T-Girls, the social/support group that I started for, well, t-girls in Minnesota.  Clever, isn’t it?  The ironic thing is that it took a loooong time to settle on a name.

Like most new things, the beginning of the group wasn’t without hiccups, and that is also true for even now.  At the start I was learning about what the group should be, and what the group needed to be.  The very first meeting of the MN T-Girls took place at a cafe in Minneapolis that was owned by a trans woman.  It was probably one of the safest places a group like this could begin.  I was happy that we had a place to go where a girl like us would be welcomed and at the same time support a LGBTQ+ business.  Sadly the cafe is no longer in business.  The first meeting was a success and by success I mean that people actually showed up.  I remember getting to the coffee shop very early (a tradition that still continues to this day, lol) and wondering if anyone would attend.  To my delight several others showed up.  That made me happy.  

Deliriously happy, I should add.  The first meeting actually happened!  I was emboldened by the (albeit small) turnout.  My imagination and ambition partnered with each other and I started to dream of future events.  At this point in my (ugh) journey I was still pretty new to leaving the house so I was also looking forward to new adventures as well.  I had visited a few malls by this time but the ultimate mall, the fabled Mall of America, was someplace I had never gone.  The Mall of America wasn’t just a mall to a t-girl like myself, it represented going to one of the most visited places in the country.  People from all over the world spend time shopping and dining and taking in the attractions.  Going to such a visible place was intimidating and thrilling at the same time.
Encouraged by the first meeting (and a LITTLE lost in the Pink Fog) I decided the second outing would be visiting the Mall of America.  I was still nervous about going but since the group was designed to provide a safe environment for a girl like us I thought it would be easier to go with friends, to go with others like me.  I thought wandering around the mall, decorated for the holiday season, listening to the click of my heels on the polished floor sounded heavenly.  I sent an email to the group, like I do each month, announcing the plans for the next event.

To my dismay, no one was able, or felt comfortable enough, to attend.  Like myself, many of the girls had reservations about going to such a public place.  It was, in a sense, a crushing defeat.  The second meeting of my ambitious group, wouldn’t happen.

I had wondered if perhaps the first meeting was a fluke and maybe there wasn’t a need for a group like the MN T-Girls.  After all, there were other support groups for the trans community that were more established and held regular meetings in actual meeting places.  But I’m stubborn.  I was convinced that there was a place, a need for a group that emphasized socializing and going out into the community.  At the very least, I needed a group like the T-Girls.  I was determined to plan another event and it would take place at the same cafe as the first meeting.  Not terribly original but I thought since others felt safe there, then perhaps that’s what the group needed.  

Fortunately other girls said they could come and they did!  Yay!  Over the next several months other events were planned at other LGBTQ+ places such as nightclubs and bars.  More girls started to attend and I continued to meet others like myself who were all on their own journey.  Some girls have been strutting out of their home for years, some girls were out of the house for the first time EVER.  I was happy and proud of every girl that comes to these events.  As I got to know other t-girls I would listen to their stories and to what they wanted to do.  It was touching how… simple (but HUGE) their dreams were.  Yes, there were big adventures they dreamed of such as flying pretty but most of the girls simply wanted to go out for dinner or for a coffee or wander around a mall.  Simple, small things that one might do on a daily basis in male mode but en femme it’s a whole new world.  

Every new MN T-Girl helps shape future events.  A t-girl wants a makeup lesson or a private shopping event?  I use those requests to plan the next few adventures.  Some members are only comfortable at LGBTQ+ places such as a bar or a nightclubs, others want to go to, well, anywhere.  Some girls are somewhere in between.  As the group continued and as the members fell into different levels of comfort (and dreams) I was able to start planning a wider variety of events.  Some took place in LGBTQ+ safe places, other places were more mainstream.  Different girls attended different events.  By planning a more mainstream event it gave t-girls a chance to do something that may have been, at one time, a little out of their comfort zone.  I know that certainly was the case for me.

The year is winding down and the last event of 2021 is coming up.  My attention will soon turn towards the next twelve events which is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.  So many different factors go into planning our adventures, whether it is what the group is comfortable with, the weather, my traveling for work plans, and now COVID.  2022 will have our annual events such as Pride, the yearly photo shoot, and the holiday party.  It’s been a while since we’ve done a makeup lesson so I would like to organize that, too.  I like getting new ideas for our little group so if you have suggestions I’d love to hear them!

Over the last eight years we have had many, many adventures.  I am in disbelief that the group has existed for as long as it has.  After the planned second event I had no idea how long the group would live and I am thankful for each and every MN T-Girl who comes to the events or dreams of being ready to join us.  The group was created for t-girls (no matter where they are in their journey) and I am so happy whenever someone comes, whether it is an old friend or a girl stepping out into the real world for the first time.  I recognize and I am humbled by the trust that is put into me.  I’m glad I didn’t give up.  I believe the group is needed, I think others need it.  

I need it, too.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I am having a hard time finding people, male or female, that accept my enjoyment of wearing female attire. My roommate is gay and does not accept it, nor have any of my past gay friends. Yes, I would like to explore gay sex but the guys I have met have been too aggressive sexually. I know that I am border line on everything but you must have come across boys like me that want more and can’t find the right folks to learn, explore, and grow with. I am open to all and any advice

Although we don’t need approval to be… anything or anyone we are, acceptance is pretty necessary.  Or, at the very least, we would like to not be shunned or judged based on who we are.  Even though it is almost impossible to predict how someone will respond when we come out to them, typically (and this is being VERY generalizing) the reaction falls into one of there three scenarios:


-Thank you for being honest with me!  I encourage you to be true to yourself and dress how you want

-I may not understand this part of you, but it doesn’t change how I feel or think about you

-This side of you is weird and confusing and feels wrong and strange to me.  My opinion of you has changed significantly 


Again, these are very broad and certainly don’t cover every possible outcome, but I think for the purpose of this question these sum it up rather succinctly.


Part of accepting ourselves as a crossdresser also comes with the understanding that this side of us, this preference and enjoyment of wearing lingerie or heels or countless other beautiful things, can’t REALLY be explained or understood.  And trying to understand it is really unnecessary and impossible.  It can’t be expressed in a satisfactory way.  If we try to, the person we come out to usually just responds with wanting to know more.  Sometimes there ISN’T more to be said.

I like to wear dresses.

–But WHY?

They’re comfortable and make me feel good

–But WHY?

Pretty soon we get to the point where there’s nothing more that can really be said.  The WHYs, for the most part, are really asking “but you’re a BOY, how can you resolve that you are a boy that wears girl clothes?”.  I don’t know, I just wear what I want.  Again, a highly unsatisfactory and not very helpful response.  Lady Gaga nailed it, we are just born this way.  

Of course, I don’t need to explain this to a t-girl or a crossdresser, or anyone non-binary.   What I’m trying to do is explain how someone who is cis gender may process this side of us.

Anyway!  Back to your question.  Yes, it is hard to find others that will accept this side of you.  Most people have the need to understand… ANYTHING before they can accept it.  And, like I said earlier, this side of us can’t REALLY be understood.  I’ve been wearing “girl clothes” for decades and I’ll continue to do so and I will never understand WHY (beyond me just… WANTING to).  I’ve come out to three romantic partners in my life.  One hated it, one loved that I was open and honest with her as well as with myself, and of course, the third married me.  I’ve come out to a few friends and my siblings and each reaction has been varied and has fallen anywhere between “that’s awesome!” and “please never discuss this with me ever again”.  It stings but it is what it is.  You can’t MAKE someone accept who you are.  At the most, you can just hope they come around.  

Although you would (logically) assume that someone in the LGBTQ+ community would accept someone else who is also LGBTQ+, it’s not always so, and truthfully, it’s not really an equivalent.  Gender identity and sexual identity are pretty separate as far as I feel.  Wearing stilettos and makeup doesn’t change who I am attracted to.  My brother is gay and, like my cis gender sisters, doesn’t really get why I have a closet full of dresses, but they still love and accept who I am.  Of course, this doesn’t mean that they want to get a coffee with Hannah, but they know who I am.  

As for being curious about sex with men (or with anyone else), I am afraid I can’t be much help when it comes to that. 

It’s natural and normal for a crossdresser to want to share this side of us.  But what does that mean to you?  I knew what it meant to me when I came out to my wife.  I dreamed of getting dressed and going to the mall with her.  Although that hasn’t happened we’ve had countless girls nights in and it’s been absolutely magical.  You mention wanting to learn.  Are you looking for another crossdresser to teach you how to walk in heels or select the right clothes and sizes?  Are you looking for someone to teach you makeup?  If so, you may need to broaden your search a bit.  I learned how to do makeup thanks to three different teachers:


-My wife.  She showed me the differences between highlighters and bronzers and concealers.  She taught me the basics and broadened my horizons when it comes to makeup beyond just eyeliner and lipstick.  She showed me how to apply foundation and the basics

-Other crossdressers.  I read a lot of websites and forum comments and watched makeup tutorials about having more traditional masculine facial features and how to wear makeup and what products to purchase.  I learned a lot of techniques, such as beard covering, this way

-Finally, a professional makeup artist.  I booked a private makeup lesson and learned how to contour and minimize and enhance different aspects of MY face.  Every face is different and techniques that work for some faces won’t work for others.

You may, of course, also need to alter your expectations.  Many of us want to find an amazing person to have a fulfilling and incredible life with.  BUT you add in crossdressing to that relationship (or really, ANY relationship) it’s going to complicate things.  Coming out to someone you are romantically linked with will FOREVER alter your relationship. 

Before I came out to my wife (my girlfriend at the time) we had a good relationship.  Skipping ahead all those years later, we still have a good relationship but coming out to her has not always been easy but through communication and patience we adapted.

Before my wife I dated a girl who was 100000% accepting of what I wore, but goodness that relationship was not healthy for either of us.  When we ended it, part of me wondered if I would ever find someone who accepted my crossdressing the way she did, but staying in an unhealthy relationship BECAUSE they accepted my wardrobe choices was not a good idea.

In my opinion, if you want a relationship and you want crossdressing to be a part of it, you need to start with finding the right person, and then coming out to them.  Work on developing that friendship, that trust, that honesty.  Of course, you need to come out to them while you are in the early stages of dating, especially if them accepting your crossdressing is essential when it comes to a committed relationship.   

There are places online one can go to when it comes to finding other crossdressers.  I would recommend joining crossdressers.com or urnotalone.com.  Although I am rarely on these sites anymore, I have made friends through them.  Go to the site, create an account, and look in the forums and discussion posts for others in your area.  

To summarize, you can’t MAKE anyone accept your crossdressing.  I never made my wife accept it, but after some time passed she grew to understand that this side of me was, well, a part of me that wasn’t going to go away.  As two people create a life together they soon learn there are aspects of the other’s life that they may not understand or even like, but through honesty and communication they may come to accept the other person’s habits and personality and even clothing preferences.  

I really hope this rambling and almost aimless response helps, lol.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Lights and Cameras and Glam!

by Hannah

This past Saturday was the monthly MN T-Girls event and, like previous Novembers, we had our annual photo shoot! This event is always a highlight for us and I love seeing the cute outfits the other girls wear.

The yearly photo shoot is usually attended by just a small group due to size limitations and this time there were four fabulous girls glammed up and smiling for the camera.

This was a fun shoot for me and I picked a few dresses that I have had for a while that I have never worn before. I am excited to see the photos!

Love, Hannah

The Purge

by Hannah

Every year the MN T-Girls book a photo shoot for one of our monthly events.  This is one of the many events that I really look forward to.  Not only for myself but it’s super fun watching the other t-girls get their pictures taken.  I love seeing the outfits that the girls pick out.  This upcoming Saturday will be the shoot and I am deciding which outfits to wear for it.  I have a pretty extensive wardrobe and as I go through all my pretty dresses I am reminded how fortunate and blessed I am to have the life that I do.  My wardrobe is a result of having a supportive wife but it’s also grown due to not having purged in a loooong time.  

As I choose my outfits for the shoot, I can’t help thinking about certain dresses that I used to own but were tossed out on the (many) times I purged over the years.  In remembering these instances it is always with a little pang of regret and annoyance.  “Why did I throw anything out?” I think to myself.  But the truth is I know why I threw it out.  We all know why we’ve purged.  

Crossdressing has been a part of my life as far back as I can remember.  I can’t remember not wanting to wear dresses and makeup and especially lingerie.  Growing up I never was able to resist trying on something beautiful if I had the chance.  I was, in a sense, always at peace with this side of myself although who I was created an enormous amount of fear and anxiety.  What I mean is that I was never confused about who I was. I never thought there was something wrong with me.  I always knew that what I wanted to wear wasn’t “normal” or common but I didn’t think it was something to be ashamed of.  Yes, I knew it was something to keep to myself but only because I knew others wouldn’t understand.  And I knew I couldn’t help someone else understand it, I couldn’t understand it myself.  But that didn’t stop me.  It still doesn’t.

I was probably in my teens when I realized that crossdressing was going to be a part of who I was for the rest of my life.  I knew I wasn’t going to outgrow it, it wasn’t a phase.  This was my accepting who I was.  It would be years before I would embrace it, but that’s another story.  It would be a few more years, not until I was twenty years old and living in my first apartment that I first bought my own clothes, specifically lingerie.  It was the first time that I had panties and bras that were one hundred percent my own.  I could wear them whenever I wanted, I didn’t have to put them back when I was finished trying them on.  They were mine mine mine.  And I loved it.

But it also filled me with anxiety and fear.  Living alone in a studio apartment meant that were someone else to find my lingerie it would be unquestionably mine.  I couldn’t say that my clothes were my sister’s that somehow got mixed up with my own.  I was, and still am, terrified of being found out.  So, after a few days of my new bra and panty set hidden away in my closet, I would purge.  Crossdressing was my secret and I thought about beautiful clothes ALL THE TIME but unless someone could read my mind my secret was safe.  But having a bra in your drawer was physical evidence of my gender identity.  So, into the trash they went time and time again.
But we all know how this goes.  The pattern begins again.  It might be years before we would buy panties again, it might take only a week.  There was even a time I went back to the trash to retrieve a pair of stilettos I regretted tossing earlier that day.  The point is that we can’t change who we are, or what we want to wear.  Like the realization I had in my teenage years, most of us learn to accept this side of us.  Accepting who we are doesn’t make it any easier, but it’s important to acknowledge that a) this side of us isn’t going away and b) there’s absolutely nothing wrong with who we are.

We purge for different reasons.  Some of us purge because we are convinced that we have outgrown this side of us.  We think (and try to tell ourselves) that it was a phase and have moved on with our lives.  For me personally I don’t think I ever felt that way.  So, why did I purge?  I tossed my wardrobe and heels for two main reasons.  At first I threw away my clothes because I was scared to death of being found out.  My girlfriend at the time had a key to my apartment and the fear of her letting herself into my place and snooping around was too much anxiety for me to handle.  Not that she was the type of person to do that, but we all know how paranoid this side of us can make us.  I instantly go to the worst-case scenario about anything.  In most aspects of my life this isn’t healthy AT ALL but I like to think my paranoia about being caught has prevented that from happening.

The second reason I purged was me thinking that I could, well, stop crossdressing.  I knew I was who I was and that I wasn’t ever going to change, but I honestly thought I could stop.  I naively thought if I didn’t own panties that it wouldn’;t be possible for me to wear them and therefore I wouldn’t stop thinking about it.  Sure, I might WANT to wear lingerie but if I didn’t own any I couldn’t do so.  I would also resist buying anything.  Ever.

Again, I realize how naive I was.  Well, I was also optimistic perhaps?  I knew that this side of me wasn’t going to be easy to understand when it came to relationships and I knew I wanted to eventually get married and share my life with someone.  The optimism came from me thinking that I could simply stop.  I was a crossdresser that didn’t crossdress.  I didn’t.  I couldn’t.

But we all know how that goes.  

The day before I moved in with the girl I would be lucky enough to marry I tossed everything once again.  Heels, lingerie, stockings, as well as one or two dresses that I purchased.  I wasn’t wearing a lot of “real clothes” at the time but I did have a couple of dresses that I thought were cute.  I came out to her about a year before we moved in together so she knew about who I was and what I liked to wear.  I wasn’t hiding anything from her but again, I was convinced I could stop.  It felt like it would be easy.

Again, I was naive.  I didn’t appreciate how important and indeed, crucial, my gender identity was.  I didn’t realize how panties and everything represented this significant part of me.  I was as much of a crossdresser as I was right-handed.  I couldn’t stop.  I shouldn’t.  I was born this way.  

It’s been fifteen years since I last purged.  It’s the longest by far that I have gone without doing so.  But I still remember how it felt whenever I did.  It often felt like a relief, to be honest.  Especially when I purged out of fear.  I probably bought dozens of bras and panty sets in the year or so I had my first apartment, the apartment where my girlfriend at the time had a key.  Any relief I felt was short-lived.  It wouldn’t take long for regret to set in.  I would get frustrated when I realized I threw away a pair of stilettos that cost $80 or a super cute panty.  If I wasn’t purging out of fear I was purging because I thought that I would stop crossdressing if I didn’t have clothes to crossdress in.  This type of purging was common when I was in a relationship.  There was a fear I was going to be outed which could end the relationship I was in.  

It would be years and it would take countless purging (some small, some rather large) until I realized that it was pointless.  No matter how many times I threw away my panties it wouldn’t take long for me to wander over to the lingerie section of a store and start shopping again.  Eventually I realized that this (expensive) pattern would repeat for the rest of my life.  I did my final purge the day before I moved in with my girlfriend, the girl I would be fortunate enough to marry.  I came out to her before we even discussed living together and although I knew I would always want to crossdress, I really and sincerely wanted to try to stop one more time.  Again, it wouldn’t be long until I ordered new panties from xdress.com.  Afterwards I told her about my new purchase and we began a unique aspect of a relationship that many of us have navigated through: bringing crossdressing into a shared life.  Confusion, questions, frustrations, and eventually acceptance of who I am.. 

My gender identity has evolved over the course of my entire life, especially in the last ten years.  Although I identify as transgender, and more specifically as bi-gender, I am always, always crossdressing.  It might be panties under my boy clothes, leggings when I work from home, or a nightgown when I sleep.  It’s a great comfort to have femme clothes in my closet.  It’s an indescribable relief to know that my purging days are over.  The guilt and fear that comes from having stockings or a dress in my closet is gone.  Those feelings have been replaced with peace and gratitude.  Peace coming from no longer feeling anxiety about what is in my wardrobe.  The gratitude is towards my wife for her years of patience and the energy she has put into understanding and accepting her husband’s gender identity.  

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Recently a young associate at work declared his choice to be gender neutral in a vanilla work space. Not sharing my own perspective with them I was a sympathetic listener. Yesterday the person in question showed up with blue nail polish and received a cackle from female associates. The anxiety of the moment led me to change the subject and move the associate along. Wondering how best to assure my own fears, and adapt to the situation. I have cross dressed many decades myself but remain closeted. Your thoughts?

There are always, always, always going to be those who mock people for just about any reason.  People criticize others for their race, their sexuality, their gender identity, and just about anything else.  This will not change anytime soon.  And if I am feeling pessimistic, I don’t think it ever will.  It’s painful to be reminded that there are others that we know, others that we work with, and even others that we are related to who will go out of their way to be cruel to someone.  The associates you mention made a choice to be mean.  They could have kept their comments to themselves but it sounds like they wanted to openly mock your co-worker.  It sounds like you did your best to de-escalate the situation.  Good for you!  It is not an easy and comfortable position to be in.  

Many of us are terrified of being outed.  At the same time, part of some of us would like to be out to more people in our lives.  We long for that for a variety of reasons, whether because we ourselves want to wear blue nail polish or because we are exhausted from keeping who we are a secret.  We may wonder who it would be safe to come out to.  Of course, there’s no way we can ever predict how someone else will react to this revelation, but sometimes people will show their true selves and will telegraph their thoughts and opinions to others.  It sounds like that was what happened here.  It shouldn’t be this way.  We all should have the right to express our gender identity and wear what we want.  It might be legal (from a human resources and legal perspective) for a non-cisgender person to wear blue nail polish but that may not stop others from mocking that person.  

As for adapting, we live in a world where people are cruel to others regardless of the laws or the workplace protections that are in place.  An office can implement policies banning discrimination (in all it’s forms) but that still isn’t enough to stop some people’s reactions.   Sometimes I will hear one of my co-workers say something about someone who is LGBTQ+ and I will think to myself that I will have to be extra careful to not let myself slip up when it comes to my own gender identity.  Of course, were I braver I would confront that person but I am not.  Well, perhaps it’s not about courage but realizing that some people just cannot change.

Of course we don’t have to adapt.  We can be the change.  Talk to human resources if you feel that there are others who are creating a hostile or toxic work environment.  This, like any effort to transform a culture, takes a tremendous amount of courage but change happens when one person speaks up.  We live in a world where people are intentionally cruel to others, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

Love, Hannah
Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I am 59 yrs old and am happy as a male. But I’ve know for most of my life that there was another me trying to get out. I decided this week to begin that journey. My question has to do with overload. There is just so much to research and so many places to look I am beginning to get frustrated. I know my decision is good and true. I just don’t want this to turn into a train wreck. Any ideas or thoughts?

This is a very good question.

When some of us have accepted and embraced who we are, it is common to feel excited and giddy.  Once we accept who we are (or at least an aspect of ourselves) we have, in a sense, given ourselves permission to be who we want and dress how we feel.  This can easily lead to The Pink Fog, however and we sometimes need to rein it in a bit.

But feeling overwhelmed is also pretty common and it’s not something we talk about enough.  When we come out to someone, it’s not uncommon for them to feel overwhelmed by this revelation.  The whole… concept of who we are to them has been changed and they will very likely look at us in a completely new light.  Coming out to someone can feel like taking a weight off our shoulders but that weight is often transferred to the person we come out to, particularly if that person is one’s significant other.
But before we can come out to someone else, we need to come out to ourselves.  We need to say to ourselves “I am a crossdresser.”  “I am transgender”.  “I am non-binary”  Or even “I am not sure who I am or how to identify, but I like to wear panties.”  Once we do that, we will (hopefully) slowly begin to embrace ourselves.  


Aaaaaaand then what?

No matter how you identify, the commonality is that you are not cisgender.  There is something wonderful about you that doesn’t align with the traditional expectations of the gender you were assigned to at birth.  Like you, I am happy in my male life, AND I am happy with my femme life.  I don’t want to choose one gender over the other for the rest of my life so I happily bounce back and forth.  I do, however, keep my toe in my femme life when I present as male as I am always wearing panties.  So, there’s that.  Embracing your new non-cis life and new gender identiy doesn’t mean you have to do EVERYTHING or even do ANYTHING.  Yes, I am transgender but that doesn’t mean I HAVE to take hormones, live full-time, come out to anyone, or transition.  I’ve identified as transgender for almost ten years and my life and gender identity hasn’t changed that much.  

You mention starting your journey.  Think about what you want our journey to look like.  You write that you are happy being male so my assumption (and I admit I could be wrong) is that you don’t feel transitioning isn’t your destination or goal.  I can relate.  I don’t feel that way either.  My journey started before I turned five years old by trying on my mom’s heels.  Over the last few decades I evolved.  I did a lot of reflection and tried on different clothes and thought about gender and read about gender and even spoke with therapists.  Through all of that I realized who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I liked to wear.  I also realized who I wasn’t and what I didn’t want.  This was my journey.  Today my gender presentation is either BOY or GIRL or somewhere in the middle.  I work from home and I am usually wearing leggings and a femme hoodie.  Unless I am on a Zoom call, lol.  Being comfortable and happy in these identities took time and patience.  

Let your heart be your guide.  Don’t feel you have to rush into anything.  Find out what is right for you.  Don’t feel you have to commit to a gender identity.  Take your time.  Take a break.  If you feel frustrated, do something else.  Take time away from the internet.  Slip into something you like to wear and watch a movie.  Enjoy the journey.  Talk to a gender therapist.  Your journey isn’t going to be a linear path.  It isn’t going to be smooth or without obstacles or setbacks.  Go easy on yourself.  Think about what WANT to do.  Think about what you want to wear.  Yes, it can be overwhelming to think about changing your gender presentation and everything that could go with it.  Going from boy to girl for me requires forms, padding, shaving, makeup, wig, clothes, heels, and false eyelashes.  It’s exhausting to just type that.  Just remember that there are no rules or standards when it comes to your gender presentation.  

And yes, I can relate to feeling overwhelmed.  When I was in my early twenties I had just gotten out of a relationship with the first person I came out to.  Coming out to her was also a sign that I had accepted and would soon embrace who I was.  She wasn’t too fond of my crossdressing (which is how I looked at who I was at the time) so it wasn’t a part of myself that I could talk about, let alone DO.  After I had begun to move on after the break-up I decided to see what this side of me was all about.  I knew I loved to wear lingerie, but was there more to this?  I went to a store in Minneapolis that sold a lot of fetish wear, including shoes.  I had owned heels before but there were the boring, kitten heels that places like Wal-Mart sold.  They weren’t cute and weren’t really my size and I would always purge them after a day or so.  But one evening I decided I wanted a pair of stilettos that fit.  I drove to the store and started to look at the selection.  The girl working there showed me some options and pretty soon I was trying them on.  It was amazing.  She offered some advice and soon I was strutting around the store as if I was born wearing four-inch heels.

“I have something else you may like,” she said.  Still in the black patent stilettos, I glided to the counter and she took out a pair of breast forms.  I had never seen breast forms before and was amazed by them.  They looked real, they felt real.  As I was looking at them she told me she had a friend who did drag and they would love to help me with makeup if I wanted them to.  At this point I felt a little anxious and overwhelmed.  I went into the store because I was ready to buy (and keep) a pair of stilettos.  I wasn’t ready for anything else.  I didn’t know if presenting femme was what I wanted.  At that point in my life I just wanted to wear lingerie and stilettos. I politely declined the offer, bought the heels and left.  It would be another ten years before I was ready to consider my next step in my journey.  Today I own several pairs of breast forms, have had makeup lessons and had more makeovers than I ever thought I would have.  I wasn’t ready for these steps then, but goodness I am now.

Enjoy this side of you.  Be kind to yourself.  Be patient with who you are.

Love, Hannah
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