Too Cute Two Piece

Last year I strutted out of my comfort zone (and honestly? The more I do this, the more I love it) and reviewed and modeled a swimsuit for En Femme.

I hit another milestone recently when I modeled a new suit, also from En Femme. This time? A twopiece.

When I opened the package I was… well, excited and a little intimidated. Which was kind of silly as I’ve modeled and reviewed lingerie before and a swimsuit is similar in what it reveals, but a swimsuit is meant to be worn in public. And a two-piece is meant to, well, reveal more than a tank suit.

But like most things that scare me when it comes to clothes, I wore it anyway.

When I think of femme clothes I have to consider how they will fit my body. If a top has a plunging neckline, I have to think about how it will look when it comes to wearing breast forms. If a skirt is tight I have to think about tucking and which gaff I will wear.

Simply put, a bikini designed for a cis girl body won’t flatter me.

However, like everything else I’ve ever worn for En Femme, this suit fit perfectly. The measurements were spot on, there is enough stretch where needed, and it compliments my body and proportions.

The top fits like a typical sports bra but is made of a Lycra/Nylon blend. The fabric creates a subtle shine and draws attention to the suit. And! The top has pockets for breast forms. The suit can also be worn without forms but it doesn’t look baggy without them. I was a little concerned if my forms were tooooo big for the suit and would show off more cleavage than I would like but this wasn’t an issue at all. I mean, I like showing a little skin but I don’t like a top or a neckline that reveals my forms.

The bottoms also fit very nicely. The back is wide enough for my, well, bottom and the gusset is wide enough for my body parts. No gaff is needed with this suit has it has built-in compression. Worn properly, it will create a nice, smooth front. No matter how much I moved everything remained in place.

A similar product to the bottoms is the Carmen Liu White Lace Classy Thong, also by En Femme. Both of these items are not QUITE a gaff but will flatten and smooth your front.

Sizing with En Femme is rarely an issue and I will advise you take their recommendation to heart and know your measurements and select the appropriate size. The suit is available in black or pink but obvs I HAD to have the pink.

New clothes can lead to new adventures. Wearing beautiful gowns make me want to attend a glamourous event. This suit is pushing me to the beach… a place I never thought I would be comfortable to go to. I felt beautiful and confident.

Thank you En Femme for designing clothes for my body and for this sexy and practical suit.

Love, Hannah

I Could Have Danced All Night

I suspect most of us can relate, but I clearly remember the first time I wore stockings. The slow, quiet, delicate feeling of gently pulling them up my leg… my careful, trembling hand fastening the intricate lace to my garter belt…

I can recall this moment as if it had happened a few moments ago. I can recall the new perspective that five inch stilettos brought. The joy of wearing panties and realizing that they were everything I had fantasized they would be.

These joyful, intimate memories will stay with me forever. After a lifetime of femme clothes the thrill of my hands gliding a zipper up the back of a dress never fades.

Many aspects of all of THIS become, well, normal after a time. When I go out en femme I usually forget I am out en femme. Which sounds a little odd but years ago I was hyper aware I was a t-girl at the mall, a coffee shop, a museum… now I just float through my day and don’t think of myself as a t-girl. I’m just ME. I’m just HER.

But the happiness that a new dress, a new pair of heels brings will never vanish. I will always feel my soul lightening when a new outfit is reflected back in a mirror that brings out my femininity, my happiness.

And yes this might be shallow but I don’t care.

I think most of us can identify with this. I think crossdressers and t-girls can often have a different relationship with clothes, a different perspective, a different connection that some cis women have.

I want to be very careful here and I don’t want to be misunderstood. I know from time to time the conversation comes up about cis women not appreciating high heels or taking advantage of being allowed to wear a skirt every day. But I think that’s very short-sighted. When I am en femme I am wearing a cute dress and heels and amazing makeup… but if I presented as femme every day? I can’t imagine I would make the same wardrobe choices that I currently do. I am positive I would have lazy days where leggings and flip-flops would be my good-to outfit.

Presenting en femme is a tiny vacation for me, a lovely break from my boy life.

I suppose what I mean to say is that I absolutely acknowledge that the excitement I feel when I wear a bra, stockings, and corset would PROBABLY lessen if I was full-time. It takes a lot of work for Hannah to claw her way out my male presentation and being Hannah every day, all day sounds, well, exhausting.

If I am being honest I sometimes, well, forget that not every feminine presenting person will have the same perspective and reaction to the same clothes that I fantasize about. Some cis girls will see a pair of strappy stilettos and comment how on sexy they look… but also how painful they look whereas I only think of how AMAZING they are.

Wearing heels is a treat for me. AND I acknowledge that I feel this way BECAUSE they are not an option for me on a daily basis.

Does this make sense?? NONE of this is a criticism of ANYONE that isn’t excited about a miniskirt or platform heels.

As I mentioned before, I sometimes forget that a dress that I am wearing won’t always inspire the same joy in someone else. A dress is a magical thing… but for others it’s a piece of uncomfortable fabric.

All of this came to mind a few weeks ago at my most recent photo shoot. I had brought a new gown (well, new to me) and I was soooo excited to wear it. It took some doing and it didn’t fit QUITE right in ALL of the right places but with the help of Shannonlee and Alicia the zipper made it’s way up and I was enchanted with my reflection.

I felt like a girl at a wedding reception, I felt like a prom queen, I felt beautiful. I danced, I twirled, I glided across the floor. I was a princess, I was a bridesmaid, I was a movie star, I was the girl turning every head at a gala.

In my mind I wondered why anyone wouldn’t want to wear a dress like this. Why wouldn’t anyone want to feel this way? Why wouldn’t anyone want to look this way? I wanted to wear this gown forever…

But with each thought of happiness and wonder I reminded myself that if I had to wear this dress for hours and hours I would PROBABLY have a different perspective.

I love who Hannah is. Her life. Her clothes. There is a mixture of feelings I have when I (physically) leave her world. When I remove my makeup, unlace my corset, unfasten my strappy heels, and reverently put her wig back into the box. I am never sad to change back to my male presentation. Mostly it’s a feeling of gratefulness that I have Hannah, that I am Hannah. That I have the life that WE have. I am blessed to have a more beautiful world to spend a day in.

Love, Hannah

The Stranger

The legendary Stana has written more than once about the impact the song “In My Room” by the Beach Boys had on her.

Although not specifically about crossdressing, she listened to the lyrics and related to the song in her own way.

There’s a world where I can go
and tell my secrets to
In my room
In my room

In this world I lock out
all my worries and my fears
In my room
In my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing laugh at yesterday

Now it’s dark and I’m alone
but I won’t be afraid
In my room
In my room

I think a lot of us have done something similar. Whenever I hear the Billy Joel song, ‘The Stranger’ I think of the early days of my own gender journey.

Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out
And show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

Is there a song that isn’t about, you know, all of THIS that speaks to you on a different level that what the songwriter likely intended?


Love, Hannah

Because We Can Can Can

Yesterday was the monthly MN T-Girl s event and it was a very unique outing. The group has had private shopping events and lovely dinners but this month? We had some fun.

Can Can Wonderland is… well, it’s an arcade, a restaurant, and an indoor mini-golf art installation in Saint Paul, Minnesota.

For some reason the girls have asked throughout the years to go mini-golfing and who am I to disagree?

So, about a half-dozen of us spent a rainy Saturday playing pinball and vintage video games. I didn’t get a chance to play any golf but the course looked amazing.

It was a nice break from packing and work stress and I can’t wait to go back!

Love, Hannah

I am Not Supergirl

Goodness life can humble you.

I can wear a cute dress, perfect heels, matching accessories, and get a very good makeover annnnnd BAM! Dysphoria smacks me in the face when I catch a glimpse of my reflection.

This, at the risk of sounding DRAMATIC and SHALLOW, can ruin EVERYTHING.

I like to think I can run (or at least strut quickly) a million miles an hour without rest but that’s not sustainable. Life has a way of catching up.

Sometimes we feel overwhelmed emotionally or physically or mentally. Sometimes all three gang up and jump us at the same time. Annnnnd that’s exactly what happened this week. I got hit with a very bad… something the other day. It made for a Very Bad Wednesday and it completely waylaid me.

As the rest of the week progressed I started to feel a little better and I am mostly just tired and achy (it’s not COVID).

The stress of work and moving and allll that just was too much for me. It was, as I mentioned, humbling. It was a reminder that I am not invincible.

Someone told me that maintenance, whether it was car repairs or self-care, needs to be scheduled… or it will be scheduled for you. And it won’t be convenient.

I am going to rest as much as I can this weekend (although the MN T-Girls are meeting up tomorrow) but the next three weeks are going to be bananas, lol.

Take care of yourself! There’s only one of you!

Love, Hannah

Happy Place

My wife and I are up to our eyeballs in mortgage documents and insurance paperwork and moving boxes and work is crazy and life is insane and I’m just trying to stay positive and I am barely surviving, lol.

Anyway, how are you?

But a very quick thought amid all the insanity.

I, and I imagine most of you as well, love having THIS side of ourselves… especially when the day is hard or life is overwhelming. No matter what life is throwing at me, I have the peace of retreating from the world when I slip into pretty lingerie and rest in my bed. It’s my happy place. And I HATE that term… probably more than I hate the word ‘journey’.

It’s shallow and superficial but I think we can all relate.

Take care of yourself, take care of ALL sides of yourself.

Love, Hannah

Her Journey

If there’s anything I’ve learned after over ten years of blogging (do they still call it that anymore??) about crossdressing/transfeminity it’s that we all have so much in common. Most of us “got started” very young when we became enamored with anything from pretty dresses to lingerie to makeup. Many of us didn’t feel quite right doing “boy things” or bristled at the idea of BOY clothes or GIRL clothes.

We have shared experiences when it comes to what makes us happy. The joy of wearing panties for the first time. The excitement of finding heels that fit. The exhilaration of our reflections after our first makeover. The feeling of conquering all fears when we step out of the house en femme for the first time… or the thousandth.

We have also felt less desirable emotions. The crushing dysphoria when we don’t look as cute as we would like. Feeling we are “too male” to be pretty. The shame we are told to feel when we do or wear anything that is considered feminine.

Buuuut something we don’t talk about much is the… well, bad things that some of us do.

And I am not innocent by any means.

When I look back at the early years of when my wife and I were both discovering the depth of my gender identity I made a lot of decisions that were selfish and not completely thought through. I may have been lost in the Pink Fog or affected by a different kind of fog but the point is that I wasn’t always making the right choices.

What do I mean? Back then I spoke endlessly about clothes and makeup. All of THIS was overwhelming as it was but I didn’t pick up, or I ignored my wife’s cues when she needed a break from her husband babbling about high heels. I kept suggesting she and I go out dressed despite her telling me that she wasn’t ready for that.

I felt a little powerless when it came to the hold that my femme side had on me. It was overwhelming for my wife but it was also overwhelming for me as well. All of these desires and longings came rushing out, like a dam breaking and I just couldn’t find the balance of how THIS would fit into my life, my marriage.

This side of is complicated and multi-faceted and touches on all aspects of our lives and it’s easy to connect the dots as to how this revelation (not only to our partners but to ourselves as well) impacts EVERYTHING.

Having any sort of non-cisgender identity is hard enough as it is for our partners but we often put them through stress and fears as we try to navigate these strange new waters. My wife wondered (to say the least) if I was going to transition. Despite me telling her otherwise it was hard for her to believe this at the rate I was going. Discovering who you are is a journey but from her perspective this part of my journey wasn’t a slow, steady wandering… it was going a million miles an hour.

Nothing I said or did eased her concerns or fears. It took time. It took conversation. It required me to stop drinking. It took counseling. It took self-reflection. I “calmed down” over time. I made friends with other t-girls and found support, even if it was just a friend to go shoe shopping with. I LISTENED to my wife. And I committed to doing the things that she needed from her partner, her husband… from Hannah.

Accepting your own gender identity isn’t necessarily easy. Marriage takes effort. Both of these things together?? Buckle up.

I am fortunate she stuck by me. After all, THIS wasn’t what she signed up for. I think some people are afraid of what would happen if their partner had an affair… but not many people speculate on what their life would be impacted by their partner coming out as anything other than cis of straight.

Earlier this year I wrote the longest article in the history of the internet (obviously I am exaggerating) and it has generated a lot of emails… mostly from partners of crossdressers.

I mentioned above how much we have in common when it comes to what we wear or how similar our journeys are… but these emails have reminded me how similar the journeys of our partners are.

My journey wasn’t completely easy but it has had so many amazing moments. Photo shoots, finding THE dress, going out en femme…

My wife’s journey? Stress. Fear. Apprehension. Annoyance. Anger. Exhaustion. Confusion. This was, this is HER journey. A journey she did not plan for or expect or want to have.

My journey brought happiness and stilettos. Her journey had few bright spots.

This side of us impacts our spouses and significant others in many of the same ways. Our partners wonder if they themselves aren’t pretty or feminine enough. The same fears of us wanting to transition. The same lack of trust that this revelation came bring.

What has surprised me the most over the years of exchanging emails with partners of crossdressers is that *most* are actually fine with their man wearing panties. They may not understand but they get that this side of us isn’t going away.

But it’s the other things that this side of us brings that causes the most stress… anger… fear… annoyance… among other things.

For example:

My husband only wants to be the girl in the bedroom

My husband keeps asking me to go out en femme with him but I am not ready

My husband lied

My husband spent money on clothes when it was needed to make the car payment

My husband is posting photos of himself online when we agreed on not doing that

And so on.

None of these things are about crossdressing ITSELF. It’s about the other things we are prone to do.

I am not calling anyone out. Again, I am not innocent and I think it’s important that we acknowledge what our partners experience. It’s easy to be selfish and neglect our partner’s fears and insecurities and thoughts.

God knows I know this.

Love, Hannah

Fifty Shades of Pink

Hi!

I am losing my mind with everything in my life. Between the bigger than typical stress and chaos at my job and selling a house and buying a new house and every little thing that goes along with everything else I am amazed I haven’t had a breakdown yet but I suppose the day is still young.

Just a quick note to let ya’ll know that I am still here (as much as I can be mentally) and I should hopefully have some more time this weekend to post a pending review and something a little more introspective.

But I had a very small moment this morning when I realized that sometimes, sometimes, things work out.

There are the BIG things right now, such as trying to coordinate closing on our current home and closing on the new home and making sure all the bank stuff is taken care of. But then are the small things.

The MN T-Girls are strutting our stuff again next weekend for our monthly outing and I spend time daydreaming about what I will wear and what heels I’ll pair my outfit with. Superficial and shallow I know, but I never said I wasn’t.

With almost every dress and stiletto I own sitting in a storage… thing at the moment I don’t have access to my wardrobe. I have a few dresses and a few pairs of shoes still in my closet that I wore for my most recent photo shoot so I decided to just plan an outfit around what heels I had that weren’t locked up.

I have a cute pair of pink t-strap heels that I don’t know why I don’t wear more often.

Here’s what they look like!

They are pinker than they appear in the photo. 🙂

Anyway, I used my inability to access my wardrobe as an excuse to buy a new dress. I found a cute one online and I wondered if the pink in the dress would match the pink in the heels. I mean, there are fifty shades of pink and I know it’s not important at all but I hoped that the pink in the heels and the pink in the dress more or less matched each other.

The dress arrived and it passed the first test: it fit.

Thankfully (again, it’s not important) it also passed the second test of the pinks complimenting each other.

The big things working out is important, but the small things count, too.

Love, Hannah

A Bigger World

I swing madly back and forth between wanting to never leave my house and wanting to change the entire world.

I go between feeling hopeless to being inspired to start a revolution.

I want to give up and then five minutes later I want to keep fighting.

It’s easy to understand why I feel defeated and hopeless. According to the Human Rights Campaign, more than 300 anti-LGBTQ+ bills have been proposed in 2022.

From my perspective, these laws are pushed by people who hate and/or don’t understand people in the LGBTQ+ community. People supporting these laws are those who have already made up their minds about people like me and people like you. I am not the smartest cookie in the kitchen but I do know that once someone makes up their mind about something it is very unlikely they will change it.

Changes in law and legislation comes from activism. It comes from demonstration. It comes from a place that, at it’s roots, is very small and very patient. It needs to build. It needs a leader.

I would like to be a leader. I would like to be a part of protecting who we are. Sometimes I get so frustrated and angry and hurt by a proposed law that I want to organize a demonstration, a march, a… SOMETHING to show lawmakers and the world that trans people are valid and we are human and we should have the same rights as anyone else, whether it is access to medical care or protection against discrimination.

Buuuut I am not that person.

I don’t think I have the demeanor for that. I don’t think I have the skill set or even the time for what something like that requires and demands. I know this sounds is selfish.

I feel frustrated because something needs to be done. I feel reassured (a little) when I see others taking up these causes. I feel less anxious when I see a peaceful demonstration of people, trans and cis, showing the world support.

I do think that if you can make the world a better place then you should try to. And on some level we ALL can make the world a better place. This could be something small like volunteering for a charity or cleaning up litter at a park.

Trans people are often accidental activists. We kinda HAVE to be. If we want a peaceful and quiet life where we can present how we please and live our lives we also have to do the big, hard things that are necessary to protect that. You may have zero interest in politics but you must be aware of what is at stake when it comes to who is in congress.

I know I CAN do more. I know I SHOULD. But I am often paralyzed by not knowing WHAT to do.

…but maybe I am doing SOMETHING.

At the last MN T-Girls event, I looked around the table at the different girls there, girls who have known each other from years of outings and girls meeting each other for the first time, chatting about shoes and family and work and everything else.

A little community… even if it’s just for a couple of hours.

I know I come off as conceited and very INTO myself (the zillions of pictures of myself more or less backs this up) but I don’t see myself as doing much GOOD in this world.

But again, maybe I AM doing something.

The world and the trans community needs every one of us. Some of us can lead a revolution, some of us can bring a dozen t-girls together each month for coffee or shopping or any of the other things the MN T-Girls do.

The goal of the group was to bring femme presenting trans people together to help with experiencing the “real world” and by doing that showing everybody that trans people exist and we are just as valid and normal as everyone else. Most of us are just a hell of a lot taller than everyone else, lol.

If I remember these objectives then I think the group IS successful. I think the group has changed lives (for the better). I hope the group has quietly shifted the heart and mind of at least one person out there who now sees that we are not a threat or perverts.

I mean, that’s how change happens, remember? From small, patient starts. I mean, that’s how WE start. From those small, timid steps in kitten heels in the privacy of our living rooms to strutting in stilettos at the mall.

The world needs leaders who can do the big things that create change… but maybe the world also needs leaders who can organize these small, quiet gatherings every few weeks. This is my place in a bigger world.

Maybe I am doing something.

Love, Hannah