Author: Hannah

Hannah is a t-girl who blogs about advice, fashion and activism in the transgender communuity

Hips Don’t Lie (but hip pads deceive)

by Hannah

I knew someone who worked at a store that sold lingerie, adult videos, and sex toys.  She would talk about all the perverts that would come into the shop and she had some hilarious (and creepy) stories.  She had a customer who would come in every few weeks and ask to see what was in the back room.  There’s nothing back there, she would tell him.  He would wink and say sure there isn’t.  This exchange went on for months.  Each time he would ask and each time she would tell him the back room was where the employees hung up their coats and microwave their lunches.  He was convinced there was something sexier back there besides kitchen appliances and coat hooks.  After a while he came in, slapped two hundred dollars on the counter and asked to see what was in the back room.  Tired of this exchange, she slipped the money into her pocket and told him to go ahead and look.


A few seconds later he returned and reported besides kitchen appliances and coat hooks, there was nothing back there.  He left the store with two hundred dollars less than he had when he walked in and she never saw him again.  The store sold fun toys and sexy lingerie and killer stilettos.  What he saw in the store was much sexier than anything he couldn’t see.  
I think about this story from time to time.  It’s a reminder that our fantasies are a lot more fun than reality.  I mean, obviously.  That’s why they’re fantasies.  


Hannah is quite the social media butterfly.  I post photos on Flickr, I tweet, and I have had a website for a few years.  Being on social media opens up a lot of doors and helps me in a few ways.  It raises my profile which helped me get noticed by En Femme and helped create a partnership that I am in love with.  Blogging helps me sort out my thoughts, and posting photos, to be honest, helps feed my ego or give me a boost when dysphoria hits.


Of course there is a downside to being this visible.  Sometimes when I am feeling ugly or depressed about not looking as cute as I would like to I’ll post a photo because, well, I want reassurance.  The likes and the comments help my self-esteem.  Not all comments are flattering and posting a picture can reinforce the negative feelings I am having.  Sometimes a photo can attract the type of attention I don’t want.  The comments might be meant to be complimentary, but they tend to be crude and overtly sexual.  There’s a difference between “You look so hot and sexy” and “I really want to fuck you”.  


I don’t want you to fuck me, and I don’t want to fuck you.


Before I go any further, I want to make it clear I am not trying to humbly brag about anything.  I am not trying to boost my ego by pretending to be offended.  “Oh, poor Hannah, people want to have sex with her” you may be thinking.  “God, it must be terrible to have guys messaging her asking to go out with them”.  I am not flattered in the least by this type of attention or these types of comments.  I would prefer not to get them at all.  

The messages and comments that I think about the most are the ones that ask me to send them nudes.  


You really, really, REALLY, don’t want that.


If I am being honest, Hannah looks way cuter dressed up than naked.  And it’s not because I am wearing a cute dress.  There’s a lot of time and energy (and money) that I put into presenting en femme.  Think I have a nice figure?  Thank you, my corset helps.  Like my curvy body?  I owe it all to my thigh pads.  You want to feel me up?  You’ll feel up my breast forms.  You want to touch me “down there”?  You can’t, I’m wearing a gaff.  Want to pull my hair?  You’ll pull it right off.  Want to caress my face?  Your hands will wipe off my two layers of foundation as well as my concealer, color correction, and highlighter.

Not my curves, boys


Under all of *this*, I have a body of a cismale in their 40’s.  It’s… not cute.   You really don’t want to see it.  Like the guy from the store, what you see is much sexier than what you don’t.  


I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble, but if you think I’m cute, thank you, but you really, really don’t want to see me naked.  So stop asking.  You don’t want that.  I mean, there’s also the whole aspect of not asking girls to take off their clothes for you, but if you don’t already know not to ask that I really don’t know what to tell you.

(Upon rereading this I realize that this is a very odd thing to write about but I suppose I needed to vent, lol)

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I have a question regarding wearing female clothing while presenting in boy mode. I ask because I like to wear something female specific even when presenting in boy mode. Currently I am wearing women’s jeans and just picked up a pair of women’s combat boots that could pass for men’s shoes. I struggle to find footwear that would not be too feminine that I can still wear. What are some options that can be displayed as gender neutral even though the clothing is made for women?

I wear femme clothes in boy mode mostly because they are more comfortable and softer than boy clothes.  Femme jeans are soooo much more comfortable than boy jeans.  The fit is better, the fabric is softer…. I just wish the pockets were a TINY bit bigger.  My femme jeans look very much like boy jeans but there are some subtle difference.  The same thing goes with leggings.  I have boy leggings and girl leggings and I exercise in both of them, but the femme leggings are so much more comfortable.  But like my jeans, if you know what you are looking for you can tell they came from the section of Target that most men don’t shop in.


So yes, comfort is part of the reason I wear femme clothes in boy mode, but sometimes I just… like wearing femme clothes in boy mode.  I would like to live in a world where clothes weren’t so genderized but that world is centuries off.  


I think some of us wear femme clothes in boy mode because we are… well, testing the waters so to speak.  Will anyone notice?  If they do, will anyone say anything?  If they say something, will they care?  Will they make a fuss about it?  If they notice but it’s not a big deal, perhaps we have found someone we can be honest with.


Shoes though… well, there’s not a ton of options.  Most femme shoes are super cute but often times practicality is exchanged for the cuteness of them.  If I wanted to wear femme shoes in boy mode I would avoid anything with a heel, obviously.  This is one of the of those instances where you can see a shoe and your first impression is probably the same impression most people will have.  If you look at a shoe and think it’s a little too femme, chances are most people will think the same thing.  If you’re fine with that or if that’s look you’re going for (or you don’t care what others think), then go for it.  


I hope that helps! 

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

T-Girl Spotlight: Talia

by Hannah

I am honored to feature the remarkable Talia in T-Girl Spotlight!

Interested in being spotlighted? Send an email (hannahmcknight7@gmail.com) with the subject line ‘T-Girl Spotlight’!

Hi there, my name is Talia and I have been enjoying Hannah’s blog for a few years now. She is always insightful and often I find strength in what she shares. I guess one of the biggest things I have learned is that all our journeys are unique, and they are all equally valid.

My journey is, as I see it, a little unusual and I wanted to share that with you. I want to show what might be a different approach to the usual, one that has worked for my specific circumstances and one I hope might resonate with some of you.

I am 51 now and live in New Zealand. I was around 8 when I realised, I wasn’t like the other boys but, that was the 1970s and back then I lived in England. Let’s just say, these matters weren’t discussed then, especially in a military family. So, I did what so many of us do, I pretended to be ‘normal’ whatever that word means.

I left home and tried to transition at 18, we are now in the 1980s and I am in Scotland. Once again, the world wasn’t ready, and I gave up. That was that as far as I could see. Talia was a dream, one much like the dream I once had of being an astronaut, one destined never to become reality.

3 years ago, that changed. I couldn’t keep this bottled up anymore. I reasoned that my best outcome was to die a miserable old man filled with regret. Not the best life. The trouble was I had married in my late 20s and didn’t want to destroy my wife’s life or to lose her. I love her deeply.

Marriage is a compromise. It is a partnership between two people and as they change so does the relationship. To me though the key thing was that I love my wife and she loves me. How the heck could I make this work?

I kind of just did it. Please don’t for one-minute think I am some super-confident woman. Absolutely not. I work in a large organisation (well large for New Zealand) with around 5000 staff. I was finding it really harrowing telling people of my plans to introduce Talia at work so, I arranged a 15-minute spot at our annual conference and came out on stage to 1000 people at once. Sounds scary? I wasn’t, I couldn’t make out any faces other than a few friends who knew in the front row. Job done.

The speech was so well received I have adapted it into a diversity advocacy speech which I now deliver to companies throughout NZ and even Australia. I must have spoken to over 100,000 people by now and the message is always the same. Invisible diversity (i.e. people hiding their difference) is everywhere. Embrace it, let people be themselves at work and not only will they benefit mentally (enough of a reason in itself) but so will the organisation. Happy staff work better.

Today I am fully out as Talia at work, she goes to the office every day in a variety of outfits which I love so much more than the old suit and tie. Having colour, shape, and style to play with every day is such a release from the old world where I was limited to a colourful shirt and maybe funky socks on a Friday. I have joined Global Women as their diversity lead (https://www.globalwomen.org.nz/member/talia-child/) and was a finalist in the NZ Women of Influence in ICT awards in 2019 for my advocacy work (the first trans-woman ever nominated).

My friends and family know accept and love Talia. I have flown from New Zealand to London (as Talia the whole way) several times. OK the first time I flew Thai reasoning they might be more used to ‘people like me’ but since then on a variety of airlines, even through the Middle East. I have never ever had a problem or noticed a sideways disapproving glance.

You should know I am 6’5” with a US17 shoe size and the moment I stand up any pretence I pass is lost. My voice, while not gruff, sounds exactly how you might expect, again once I speak, passing is no longer an option. But passing as what? I am not a genetic girl I never will be, I am me. I pass 100% as me, how could I not? I have learned to embrace that. As the great Dr Seuss said, “why try to blend in when you were born to stand out”? I stand out and I love that, I even sign off my social media with #glamazon. That is how I see myself.

Ahhh but my wife I hear you ask. Well she isn’t ready (after 3 years I suspect she never will be) to meet Talia. So, I live as him at home. My wife is totally aware Talia goes all over but is secure knowing that she won’t ever lose her husband unless she is ready.

Is this ideal? No of course not, but it is a compromise I can live with. I am living my dream while keeping the marriage with the one person I love most in the world. It works for us.

Boy-me was a loner, he had few friends and was always miserable. Now? Now I have so many friends and I am the happiest I have ever been. We all find our own ways to deal with the amazing gift we have been given. This is mine. I hope you read this and feel in a small way less alone. Whatever path you choose – be the best you possible.

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I have been crossdressing for years and loving every minute and I am older now and would like to meet another girl, whom to have fun with, travel, shop, make-up…… You get the idea, I’m not a night girl any longer and just don’t know where to meet other girls during the day. This virus has put a damper on everything, what should I do?

We all know we need support and friendship when it comes to our femme selves.  No one understands a t-girl like another t-girl.


There are really only two options when it comes to meeting other girls like us.  You can join a support group.  There is probably a PFLAG chapter near you, or simply google “transgender support (city name)” and see what you can find.


The other option is finding friends online.  Two of the sites I recommend are crossdressers.com and transgenderheaven.com.


It’s not common you find another girl “in the wild”, so to speak, especially with COVID.  Even if you see another t-girl I personally advise an insane amount of caution when it comes to approaching a girl like us. I know I’m trans, I know everyone knows I am trans, but I do not want to be clocked.

No matter which gender I am resenting as I rarely see someone that I think might be trans. We do not tend to congregate in designated places with the exception of gay bars/nightclubs, I suppose.


Be safe and take care.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Cover Boys

by Hannah

A long, long time ago (well, 1999 but lately last week feels like a long, long time ago), Brad Pitt appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone. This was not surprising as he was (and remains today) one of the biggest celebrities in the world. What made this significant was that he was wearing a dress. The interview showed Pitt in other dresses and on one hand, yes, it was a celebrity possibly trying to be “shocking” (OMG A BOY IN A DRESS) but he also talked about how comfortable dresses were and that he predicted that men would be wearing skirts in the future.


I’M STILL WAITING, BRAD.

Of course I know now that no one will ever “let” me wear what I want, and even if it becomes, well, not acceptable but perhaps less weird for a boy to wear a dress it won’t be in my lifetime.


But at the time I was thrilled. Perhaps a little naive or insanely optimistic but when I was 24 I thought perhaps it WOULD be acceptable for me to wear a skirt. Not presenting en femme mind you, but me in boy mode wearing a skirt. I had hoped that surely the biggest, manliest actor in the world would help shake off the taboo that people with my anatomy would be allowed to wear a certain piece of fabric. But of course this didn’t happen. But it’s not his fault. Even if he wore a skirt every day for the rest of his life it probably still wouldn’t change the world.

But the world doesn’t need to change (and it won’t) for you or me to be “allowed” to wear a skirt or whatever else we want to wear. It’s never going to be okay.


There’s no question I love love love all things femme when it comes to clothes. I present as either boy or girl as someone who is bi-gender. But even presenting as a boy I am likely wearing something femme even if it’s just underdressing. I sleep in a nightgown, I wear leggings in boy mode, sometimes I have painted toenails. Would I wear a skirt in boy mode? Of course I would.


So, why don’t I? I could and I do at home, but why not running errands? I don’t know. I suppose I wouldn’t want to be seen or recognized. I am more nervous about being seen in boy mode wearing a skirt than being seen en femme. I am less recognizable as Hannah, I think. I also don’t want the attention as a boy. In some ways it’s more common to see a t-girl at the store than seeing a boy in a skirt.


I started to think about all this the other day when the new issue of Vogue came out. On the cover we have one of the biggest celebrities in the world… and he’s wearing a dress. Harry Styles is rocking a pretty amazing gown and it looks so fun to wear. As expected social media blew up and took sides. One side is all about support and recognizing that clothes are just clothes, the other side talks about how men should be manly or whatever.


I don’t want to say I am more cynical than I was in 1999, but I didn’t have the same sense of optimism that I did back then. I mean, YES, part of me was hoping that maybe this time, this cover would slowly start the gears turning to shifting the genderization of fabric and colors but realistically it won’t.


So, what will it take for it to be “okay” for a boy to wear a skirt? Again, it being okay is not realistic, so I’ll stick with less weird. What will it take for it to be less weird for me to go to the store in a boy t-shirt and a skirt? Not some celebrity, I can tell you that. It will take US. Normal, non-celebrities to start this movement. When an actor wears a dress, by and large the public just rolls their eyes and says that Hollywood actors are just trying to get attention or they’re just being shocking or controversial. If boys want to wear skirts, we can look to the fight that cis-women fought for the right to wear pants. No one said it was okay, they fought for it.

I don’t listen to what “they” say when it comes to presenting en femme. But I hold myself back from blurring gender norms in boy mode. And that’s silly. We can’t listen to what they say. I tune out a lot of opinions and perspectives. I don’t listen to people who think the earth is flat or that vaccines don’t work or don’t think girls shouldn’t play video games, why should I listen to someone saying that boys can’t wear a skirt?


Life is about choosing your battles and your crusades. Part of me wants to fight the war of… uh, BOYS CAN WEAR SKIRTS but in many ways I have chosen my fight of representing the bi-gender community. I’ll let others fight for this. Of course, I could just wear a skirt and forget about any world changing movement. But like I mentioned earlier, it’s a little more… exposing than I am comfortable with. I would rather be noticed as Hannah than seen by someone I know wearing a skirt. And honestly? I think about my wife in all of this. There’s no question that this side of me has caused her a lot of stress and worry. In the early days it was the stress of where all of THIS was going. Soon it was the fear of being seen and recognized. It was a fear of being assaulted by someone. I don’t want to put her through anything else. I feel enough guilt about this side of me as it is.


Don’t misunderstand me, she is wonderful and supportive. She understands this side of me as much as it can be understood. She knows how important my gender identity is to me. But the side of me that wants to wear a skirt in boy mode? Despite everything I’ve written about it, it’s really not that important to me. It is not crucial to my identity. Sure, I wish it was “okay” but really, I’m fine. For me, it’s not worth putting her through any potential stress. Honest.


No, Brad Pitt didn’t change the world. Harry Styles won’t.
But you might.


Love, Hannah

Birthday Reflections

by Hannah

It’s my birthday!
I turn 45 today and I think I don’t look toooooo bad for my age, lol.


I used to think I would be depressed the older I got.  I thought I would regret not embracing who I am at an earlier age.  I see girls like me in their ’20s and I see how amazing they look and the adventures they have, and although I get jealous from time to time, I know me.  Success, in it’s many forms, changes people.  I feel successful, I feel lucky, blessed, and fortunate to have the life I have.  I feel confident, and bold, and brave.  


BUT!


I know that with age comes experience, and if we’re lucky we learn from that experience.  As I get older I am more thoughtful and more careful with my decisions.  And that’s a good thing.  Whether it was the impetuous nature of my youth, lack of life experience, or the pink fog (or my drinking), if I was who I was 20 years ago I think I would have made decisions that were not fully thought out.  Please know that I am not equating youth or a younger generation with brashness and naivety.  I am only speaking of myself.


Coming out to someone changes everything in the world that you share with them.  It changes the dynamic between the two of you, it requires a new level of trust, and you are asking for this person to share your secret.  It changes the dynamic of the people you are already out to, as well.  My wife and I share my secret life.  She is just as nervous about this side of me being found out from certain people as I am.  Were I to come out to someone else it will change my relationship with that person, but it also will impact my wife’s relationship with that same person.  As such, I have not come out to anyone in a very long time.  


Coming out is exhausting and I don’t feel like having “the talk” with anyone very often.  I wish this side of us wasn’t as complicated as others in our lives make it out to be but I don’t see that changing anytime soon or ever.  This is not to say that I don’t want to be out to anyone else, but when I think of all the work and the potential…. weirdness that will exist between them and myself the appeal wears off quickly.  


As I get older, my conversations in all of my relationships become better.  I think longer before I speak, I try not to respond to an email immediately, and I am simply more thoughtful and choose my words more carefully.  This benefits everyone that I know, from coworkers to family members to my friends to my wife.


But it also protects Hannah’s life as well.  We all know someone in our lives that we do not want to find out about “her”, if you know what I mean.  The more people we are out to the harder it is to contain our secret, if we want it to be a secret.  I mean, we don’t WANT it to be a secret, but many of us need it to be.  Being more thoughtful and cautious has prevented me in more than one moment from coming out to someone without thinking it through.  I’ve had conversations with friends or coworkers who have expressed support for the transcommunity or mentioned something about makeup and I’ve held back from responding with a potential bombshell.  


Although I don’t care about what people at the mall think about me, and I believe that most of my friends would be supportive (or at least not disown me) I do care about my relationships with them.  I don’t want to lose my friends, and I don’t want to find out that despite thinking otherwise, that perhaps the T in the LGBTQ+ community is not something they are supportive of.  


I am also becoming more humble and grateful as time goes by.  If I was doing what I am doing now when I was in my ’20’s I would be unbearable.  I am thankful for my followers and for everyone who reads my website (except the guys who want me to sissyfy them) and I am fortunate to be able to feed my ego a little by modeling, but had I had this life and influence (so to speak) when I was younger, cockier and more insecure I would be obnoxious.  Experience has taught me humility.  My falls from grace have taught me virtue.  


I am who I am meant to.  I created the life that I have when I was ready for it and I was mature enough to handle “the fame”, if you will.  That’s not to say I think of myself as a celebrity or as anyone famous, but I am aware that people read what I write and I don’t let it get to my head.  I don’t take what I do lightly and I don’t take it for granted.


It’s not been the easiest year but I still have hope for the best and I hope you do too.


Love, Hannah    

Looking Photabulous!

by Hannah

This month the MN T-Girls celebrate our 7th anniversary and we marked the occasion with our annual photo shoot. This was our…fifth? shoot as a group and like the previous shoots it was a day of beauty, smiles, and camera clicks.

The photo shoots are limited to a number of participants so it’s usually our smallest event of the year. Like in past years Shannonlee was there to help us smile and pose as she captured our beautiful selves. This shoot was at Fox Box Studios in NE Minneapolis.

I can’t wait to see the final pictures but until then I hope you enjoy these behind the scenes shots.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Hi Hannah, Is it all possible to fight the urge to crossdress? I have never crossdressed fully but I have always had the desire and it seems the urge gets stronger. Is there any way to fight it?

I don’t think there is such a thing as “crossdressing fully”.  You’re either wearing something (nail polish, panties, makeup) that society typically considers “for girls” or you’re not.  As I type this I am wearing a boy t-shirt, femme leggings, a femme cardigan, and panties (if that isn’t too much information).  Am I crossdressing now?  Absolutely.  I woke up in a nightgown.  Was I crossdressing while I slept?  Absolutely.  This weekend I have a makeover scheduled and I am excited to wear my new wig and one of my new outfits.  Will I be crossdressing then?  Absolutely.  


As for fighting the urge to crossdress, well, I suppose it’s possible.  It never was possible for me.  You can deny and ignore this part of you, but you will never stop wanting to crossdress.  This is not a phase, this is not something you will outgrow.  


But the question I have for you is why would you want to fight it?  Why deny a part of who you are?  Panties, dresses, lingerie, makeup… everything is absolutely wonderful.  Clothes are how I express one of my gender identities, but even if it wasn’t, I would still wear lingerie and leggings and nightgowns and…the list goes on.  “Girl clothes” are amazing.  


There is nothing wrong with crossdressing.There is nothing wrong with who you are.
Yes, society and many people think it’s weird or whatever, but who cares?  I think it’s weird when dudes spend all day in a boat in the middle of the lake trying to catch a fish.  same with wandering around a golf course and trying to whack a little white ball.  But if it makes them happy, who am I to judge?  You can’t suppress this part of you because some people think it’s not normal.  I don’t know and I don’t care what other people think of me, no matter what I am doing or wearing, in either of my genders.


Fighting and denying this part of you can be dangerous.  Some people turn to drinking to escape the stressful parts of their life, whether it is their job or their gender identity.  It’s not healthy to be at war with yourself.  Life is hard enough as it is.  You don’t need you to make it any more challenging.  I don’t want to say that it’s pointless to fight this urge, but it’s… kind of pointless to fight this urge.  It won’t go away, it will always be there, and there’s nothing wrong with this side of you.  I don’t even think it’s an urge.  This is who you are.  This is who we are.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Dressed Like a Daydream

by Hannah

Of course, fantasy plays a very significant part in all of THIS.  It always has.


Growing up I would dream about wearing pretty dresses.  I attended Catholic school and every single day I wanted to wear the cute plaid blue jumper and pretty black shoes.  This didn’t change in high school as I saw girls wearing so many styles and outfits.  Ninth grade was my first significant exposure to seeing girls my age wear outfits that ranged from casual to head-turning looks.  Yes, I saw what a cute girl was wearing, but I also saw what she was wearing, if you follow me.  Yes, she looked cute in that dress, but OMG how cute was the dress itself?  I was in love with the options girls had, from a summer dress to short skirts paired with Doc Martins to leggings with a simple t-shirt.  I was so, so jealous.  Of course I thought the cheerleaders were cute, but there was something more.  I dreamed about wearing the short pleated skirt.  Formal dances were the best, though.  Yes, the girls looked amazing, but again, there was something else.  I imagined how much fun it would be to wear a beautiful gown.  It almost hurt how badly I wanted to have the day she had preparing for the dance.  I wanted to look and feel as beautiful as her.


When I was in my early 20’s this world opened up even further.  I worked in an office and I saw my colleagues wear business clothes.  What a girl could wear to a meeting was just as cute as what she could wear to a dance.  Similar to wanting to wear that plaid jumper when I was in grade school I daydreamed about wearing black heels, a pencil skirt, a white blouse, and a jacket as I put on my necktie every morning. 

My friends would start getting married and weddings were almost torturous as I watched the girls in their dresses, whether the girl was a bridesmaid or a guest.  And don’t get me started on fantasizing about being the bride.  I thought about every part of her day.  From selecting her lingerie to the dress to the heels to her makeup…    


If my website has a… mission, I suppose, it’s that I want to be honest and realistic about this side of us.  Much of what I write is based on my experiences and how I handled any disappointment, frustration, or dysphoria.  I cannot tell you how crushing it was the very first time I tried on a wig.  I thought it would transform me into a supermodel.  It didn’t.  I felt uglier than ever before.  It would be a few years until I could see my potential.  Putting on a cheap wig is a lot different than selecting a quality one.  Wearing a wig in boy mode is much different than putting one on after carefully doing your makeup and wearing a cute outfit.  There’s no question that being en femme takes a lot of work and much of it is mental.  We all will feel dysphoria and hopeless, and getting over that may require us getting better at makeup (if that’s what you feel you need to do), but modifying our thinking plays a part of it too.  Shifting from “trying to pass” to embracing and celebrating how you look is HUGE.  It’s the most important part about this side of us.  


This side of us isn’t always princess gowns and French Maid uniforms.  Feeling comfortable, confident, and beautiful has much to do with what I wear.  Yes, I would feel cute in a schoolgirl uniform, but not while wandering around a mall.  My wardrobe changed over the years as I moved to cuter, everyday looks.  I suppose practical is the best word for it.  
However.


I still fantasize about the same things that I daydreamed about while I was growing up.  I saw my sisters play princesses and I wanted to do that too.  Even now I fantasize about wearing a beautiful pink gown and a tiara.  My girlfriend in my senior year talked about how she prepared for a formal dance and how she shopped for the perfect heels, the perfect dress, how long it took for her to get her makeup and hair done… I hung on every word.  Wedding season stirs up a longing to go shopping with other girls for a beautiful dress, getting my nails done, and feeling beautiful for a wedding.  I could go on and on.  Despite the clothes in my closet and what I have done, I could name a dozen things I still fantasize about.  I want to fly pretty, I want to spend an entire day from waking up to going to sleep en femme.  I want to do a lingerie photo shoot.  Have a princess tea party.  Wear a corseted dress at the Renaissance Fair. Strut down the catwalk.  Play tennis in a short, pleated skirt.  Sit by a pool in a bathing suit.  Be a bridesmaid.  The homecoming queen.  


I have done more than I ever thought possible.  My life is amazing.  If I never do more than what I have done than I will always be able to look back on a wonderful, fulfilling life.  
We are who we are.  We won’t grow out of this side of us (and I thank God for that).  Who we wear, and what we wanted to wear, when we were younger is still with us.  It always has been and it always will be. 

Love, Hannah