Ask Hannah!

I want to ask how I can tell my wife that I’m a cross dresser, I have been this way my whole life I’ve always known, I have tried to keep my desire a secret but the older I get it get harder to hide this .  I tried to come out to my wife 3 years ago , I got myself worked up to tell her and I even said the words but it didn’t go well and after talking for 3 hours I basically back tracked and said it was just a phase I went through as a teen and hadn’t done it since which was a lie and after all that and her questions the next day it was ignored and we haven’t mentioned it since and I just want her to say something again but she hasn’t.  Should I push the issue again?

I wouldn’t push the issue but that is different than bringing it up again.

Since you attempted to discuss it previously, you should know how she responded the first time.  You said it didn’t go well, but this revelation rarely does.  Why didn’t it go well?  What were her concerns?  Was she afraid you were gay?  That you wanted to transition?

If you do decide to bring the topic up again, be prepared to discuss what her concerns were that she raised the first time you came out.

And although she hasn’t brought it up since you had the talk, rest assured she probably thinks about it everyday.

Keep in mind that we shouldn’t come out with the hope or expectation that our partners will “let” us wear panties or paint our nails or however we wish to express our gender identity.  We should be open with our partners because it is the right thing to do, regardless of what we need to be open about.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

Since we are all in this isolation together, I was wondering about your at home life. Does your wife care if you are dressed as Hannah everyday at home? Or does she want you dressed as a male at times?

At home I am always wearing… something.  It could be a nightie or underdressing or leggings and a femme t-shirt.  Being completely en femme is, to be honest, a lot of work.  It’s work I love and I enjoy every moment of it, but I usually do not fully dress if I am staying in.

Just as I enjoy having two genders, my wife also enjoys both sides of me, but in different ways.  If Hannah was always here, well, my wife would miss her husband and I never want Hannah to overstay her welcome.

My wife wrote a little about her thoughts, feelings, and experiences with this side of me and it’s well worth reading.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

This Too Will Pass

Hi girls,

As many states have shelter in place guidelines and we are all doing what we can to slow the spread of COVID-19, most of us are spending a lot more time at home.  For some of us, this gives us more opportunities to dress and work from home en femme.  For others, it means a lot less time to dress.

Being who we are is essential, and I personally know that these past two months have really shown how vital it is for me to be me.  Yes, I can dress at home, but it’s not the same.

Still, I am thankful that I have at least that much.

We all know how we feel when we cannot express ourselves.  It’s not uncommon for us to feel depressed, anxious, and frustrated.  I know how you feel.  We all know how you feel.

I recently wrote an article for En Femme about how this point in history can impact this side of us as well as what we can do to still stay in touch with our femme side.  I shared some ideas about everything from practicing walking in stilettos to watching makeup tutorials.

But on a more serious note, I wanted to advise caution when it comes to having “the talk” with your significant other in times like this.  Yes, you and your partner are likely having a lot more time together, and it might seem like a good opportunity to share this side of you if you haven’t already.

When we come out, we need to be aware and respectful of how our partner is feeling, or anticipating and being prepared for how they may react.  This revelation will forever change your relationship and will likely cause stress and tension and a lot of questions.

With the world the way it is currently, things are stressful and scary enough.  Adding something like this revelation into the mix is going to make things even more stressful than they already are.

I understand wanting to have this talk right now.  If you are feeling stressed and tense because you can’t dress,  it’s natural to want to have the talk to have the chance to be en femme.  We always need to be aware of the pink fog and how this side of us can cloud or judgement and we may make decisions that might seem like a good idea at the time, but we are not thinking about the impact these choices will create.

If you need support, and we all do, please seek it out.  This is a good time to remind us all of Trans Lifeline.

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Trans Lifeline is a national trans-led 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to improving the quality of trans lives by responding to the critical needs of our community with direct service, material support, advocacy, and education. Our vision is to fight the epidemic of trans suicide and improve overall life-outcomes of trans people by facilitating justice-oriented, collective community aid. 

Need to talk? Call! Our peer support hotline is run by and for trans people. We’re available 7am-1am PST / 9am-3am CST / 10am-4am EST. Volunteers may be available during off hours.

Take care of yourselves, girls.  This too will pass.

Love, Hannah

 

Ask Hannah!

I am married and basically quite straight in preferences, however, certain trans gender women I find just irresistible, so I flirt a lot on line….am I a cheating hubby?
I never meet anyone in person.

Every relationship is different and unique.  Every relationship has aspects of it that are hidden to the rest of the world.  Mine included.  If our friends and family knew about the conversations my wife and I have about eyeliner and fashion they would be very surprised.

Some relationships are not as monogamous as others.  Some marriages are open, some partners don’t mind if their spouses chat (or more) with others online.  I can’t say if you are cheating, but perhaps ask yourself how would your spouse react if they knew about your online chats.

It is not uncommon for girls like us to get lost in the pink fog and make decisions that are not typical of our normal routine.  Sometimes these decisions are relatively harmless, such as spending money that we shouldn’t on stilettos, but sometimes these choices are damaging and hurtful to our partner.

The fact that you are asking makes me wonder if you feel guilty about what you are doing, and if you are feeling guilty then you are probably doing something you know you shouldn’t.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

I am in the process of transitioning from male to female and I am wondering whether I should present myself to my friends and relatives in female attire or male attire. No one knows about my decision except my wife. Our daughter is somewhat suspicious but she has not approached either one of us. What is your opinion ?? I will soon need to live as a woman for an entire year before I start the entire process. I am already on hormones and some body changes have already started (subtle). My wife is very supportive and is looking forward to us being best girlfriends. Your help will we greatly appreciated.

Coming out is one of the biggest steps you will ever take in life, and it will have ripple effects impacting everyone you know.  Some relationships may change and may become strained or strengthened.

To almost every one of us, identifying as transgender means something different.  Your transition is a moment in your life that is different than anything I have experienced, and your journey and gender identity is different than my own.  Our situations are very different, so although I can’t speak from experience, I hope I can be helpful.

As I mentioned before, coming out impacts everyone in your life… especially our partners.  Not only does this affect our relationships with our families, friends, neighbors and anyone else, it will also affect our partner’s relationships too.  It sounds like you are doing the right thing and taking each step alongside your wife.  Keep doing that.  When I have come out to others previously it was always after discussing it with my wife.  She’s very good at helping me sort my thoughts and helping me prepare for anything in my life, whether it is a talk like this or everything else.  It’s also a matter of courtesy to give her a heads up about who knows about this part of my life.

If you are working with a therapist, particularly a gender therapist, I would absolutely heed their advice.  They’re more qualified to guide you through this, especially as it pertains to your family.

That being said, if I were to come out to anyone else in my life, I would have a conversation with them first in male mode.  This revelation is a lot to take in, and the talk before them seeing Hannah would be a little less overwhelming.  If the person I came out to wanted to meet Hannah, then I would show them a photo before meeting them en femme.  The photo would also prepare them for what Hannah looks like. Meeting someone as a different gender identity and presenting as a different gender is a lot to process, and a photo first may help.

Plus I look better in photos than in real life.  🙂

Come out to people as you and your wife feel it is appropriate.  If you are already showing changes in your physical appearance you may want to do it sooner rather than later as people will start noticing (and likely talking and speculating about) what they are seeing.  It’s good to be able to control the narrative.  If I had a strong suspicion that someone knew about Hannah, or saw panties peeping out under my jeans, I would have a conversation with them to get ahead of it.  I would want to make sure that they would keep what they noticed, or suspected, a private matter.  Basically I would want to stop them before they started to gossip.

I hope this is helpful and I wish you the best of luck.

Love, Hannah

New En Femme Blog!

My newest blog for En Femme has been posted!

From the Learning Center:
Hannah on Coming Out – A Perfect World

 

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The latest article with blogger, trans-activist and fashionista, Hannah McKnight is now available on our Learning Center! Hannah’s blog discusses more in-depth her journey as a self-described T-girl.

In her previous article for the Learning Center, Hannah discussed the potential negative repercussions of coming out to one’s significant other. In her latest article – “A Perfect World” – Hannah talks about when ‘the Talk’ goes exactly the way we’d hoped or even better than we’d ever dared to dream. Read it here>>

I hope you like it

Love, Hannah