I think when it comes to “en femme firsts” we anticipate something HUGE. For example, when I went out into the real world for the first time during the day, I expected people staring at me, pointing at me, perhaps even verbally berating me.
But it was so… normal.
People were lovely or indifferent. There was no harassment, no one was unkind. I had prepared myself emotionally and mentally for years but I didn’t need to.
When I meet a new member of the MN T-Girls and it’s their first time out not only with the group but also their first time out EVER, I usually ask how their feeling. They seem surprised that it feels very normal. That they are more at ease than they expected.
And this is wonderful.
And this is validating. What I mean is I feel validated as a t-girl. I have moved on from wanting to pass and I have moved on from believing in passing, so the thought and hope that people think I am cisgender is in the rearview mirror. I expect every barista and cashier and random person at the mall looks at me and knows I am transgender.
And it’s okay for them to know that. I am transgender. Someone knowing my gender identity is no different than someone knowing I am right-handed. There are some things about others you can’t help but realize.
But once someone makes this realization is what matters. If someone looks at me and acknowledges me as a transgender girl and that information shapes how they will interact with then it likely will be an issue. What I mean is that if someone decides to be rude to me because they have acknowledged my gender identity then they are likely an asshole. This is also true when it comes to someone else’s race, skin color, religious beliefs, or similar characteristics.
The validation I mentioned comes from someone knowing I am transgender and they choose to strike up a conversation, engage in small talk, or call me “ma’am”.
It’s in a moment like this I realize that the world isn’t as afraid of gender non-conforming people as much as some news outlets suggest.
An en femme first, in my experience, tends to be wonderful and normal at the same time.
This was my perspective as I drove home this past Saturday night after seeing “Alice in Wonderland” with my sister.
I was nervous for two weeks. I was nervous longer than that as I worked up the courage to ask her if she wanted to come. I was a wreck after I sent the text.
If HE was going to the play, then I wouldn’t have been nervous at all. But Hannah was the x factor, so to speak. Sure, my sister would love to see the play… but would she want to see the play with Hannah?
If not, well, why?
I try not to think too much about why someone from HIS life doesn’t feel ready to meet Hannah, but sometimes i can’t help it. Is it because of how she looks? Am I embarrassing? Would someone feel like they are being stared at because they are waiting in the theatre lobby with a transwoman?
I hate thinking and being afraid that my gender identity and gender presentation is a deciding factor for some people in my life.
But my sister responded with an enthusiastic “sure!”.
I exhaled.
Once this shock was over, I thought about what to wear. Shallow, I know, but I wanted to make sure I picked a dress that was perfect for the play and not tooooo short or tight. I think I nailed it. I hope I nailed it.
Shortly after the box office opened and I picked up our tickets my sister arrived. We hugged and… normalcy set in. At least for me. But I didn’t sense that my sister was feeling awkward. She was chatty and her normal self. Perhaps she was feeling relieved that it wasn’t as weird as she was afraid.
An aspect I worried about prior to the evening was, well, Hannah herself. When I am en femme I react and feel and emote and talk and gesture differently. None of this is conscious. It’s all very organic and natural. It can be a little thing such as movement. We walk different in stilettos. We move different in skirts. As a t-girl I am more aware of my surroundings.
All of this sounds like I have a multiple personality disorder but it’s not that at all. People act different when they are with different groups of people. I can easily “switch” back to him if needed, so to speak. What I mean is if I am out en femme and my boss calls I can talk to him as my male self in terms of my voice, mannerisms, all that. The opposite is true. If I am at work and I need to call a salon to book a makeover I can tap into Hannah as well.
This all sounds very very bizarre but I think many of you can relate to this fluid duality.
I wondered if I should stick to him as much as possible. Perhaps showing my sister I am still her sibling and the person she has known all her life but just, well, more fabulous.
Buuuut in the end I intentionally stopped thinking about it. I would just go with it, wherever it would take me.
We talked about family and work but it was Hannah that chatted with my sister about these things.
It was a little weird for me as we talked about aspects of my life that Hannah doesn’t usually discuss. I am fairly protective of many specifics of my life but here’s Hannah just chatting away.
The play was delightful and we hugged as we left the theatre.
I’ve no idea if my sister will ever see Hannah again but I hope she had fun and would like to see her sister again.
Love, Hannah