Tag: family

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Has Hannah affected your relationship with your wife?  Has your wife seen Hannah? Has she had “girls nights in” with Hannah? How does she feel aboutHannah?  How has her relationship with Hannah evolved since your early  days of blogging?

I could probably write (and maybe I should) a book about the dynamics and evolution and impact that crossdressing/being transgender has on a relationship, but I will try to keep this concise.

Being who we are is likely hard on our partners.  This is not a part of us that will change or go away, so we will never “outgrow” this part of us, this is not a phase we are going through.  Too many of us try to suppress this part of us when we meet someone and start a relationship because we don’t want to scare this person away by revealing this part of us.

But of course no matter how hard we try to deny it, this is who we are and we shouldn’t try to do that.  What we should do is be honest with ourselves and be honest with our partners.  I get emails from people like us who tell me that they don’t plan on telling their partners about this side of them until after they’re married.  Their thinking is that it’s too late for them to go anywhere.  This is hurtful, cruel, unfair and dishonest.

I told my wife about this part of me after a few months of dating, once I knew I wanted to marry her.  I’ve come out to a few partners in my life when I felt the relationship was strong and serious enough.  At the time I came out to her, I felt that this was all about under-dressing and I didn’t have a “male mode” or a “female mode”.  I was just a man who wore panties.

But people change and evolve.

After we’d be married for a few years, she asked if I ever wore makeup or clothes other than lingerie.  I had, but never really to the point of a full makeover or head to toe with a wig and heels.  She did my makeup that night and helped me order a wig.  Up to that moment she didn’t really understand why I liked lingerie but she understood the feeling of wanting to be beautiful.

I started to buy dresses with her help.  My wardrobe grew and our relationship now had a new part of it.  We were both learning about Hannah and getting to know her.  We had constant and honest communication about what… all this meant.  There were times where she was concerned about me wanting to transition and where all this was leading to.  Those concerns faded over time.

It’s easy to understand her concern.  I went from wearing panties to doing my makeup and having a closet full of heels in a few months.  My evolution accelerated and it was like going from a nice leisurely drive to a million miles per hour.  But eventually I stopped my gender exploration and landed where I am today and her concerns about me wanting to transition subsided.

This part of me has allowed me to be more open, honest, vulnerable and transparent with my wife.  Not only as Hannah, but as in my male side as well.  This took a lot of patience on her part and a lot of effort to try to understand me.  It took a lot of time, sometimes difficult communication and open and honest conversations.

So yes, she has seen Hannah.  We both met her at the same time, in a way.  We’ve had many girls nights in, whether it was a nice quiet night in wearing leggings or me rocking an amazing gown with winged eyeliner.

My wife and I used to feel that Hannah and my male side were two very different people.  Of course, we have very different wardrobes but over time Hannah and I have kind of… well, balanced out.  Hannah would tend to be more relaxed and chatty whereas I was more preoccupied with whatever was going on or needed to be done.  I don’t relax much, but our girls nights in gave me a chance to dress up and slow down and watch a movie or sit and talk.  My wife and I don’t feel there’s as much of a difference between my two genders (besides physician appearance and presentation) as there used to be.

I make all of this sound very easy and idyllic, but as with any relationship things are always more complicated and nuanced than it sounds.  I am lucky to have my wife for many reasons, not only because of this.

Love, Hannah

 

 

 

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PFLAG Events for November

by Hannah

PFLAG’s mission is uniting people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) with families, friends, and allies.  PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy.  PFLAG has 400 chapters and 200,000 supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

PFLAG was the first support organization I heard of when I was growing up.  I attended their meetings a few years ago and found it was a supportive, and inclusive community.  PFLAG is a wonderful group, especially for our spouses and family members and I am happy to promote the events the Twin Cities chapter has scheduled.

Guest Speaker: Billy Eloy

Billy will be providing information on events and services available to queer, trans and gender nonconforming youth in the Twin Cities.Suggestions for how parents can provide support and advocacy for their queer, trans and

Parents and youth welcome!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, November 20th, 2018 at 6:30 pm
Union Congregational Church
3700 Alabama Ave S, Minneapolis, MN 55416
Support groups will be held at 7:30 pm directly following the program.
Love, Hannah

Coming Out As Transgender

by Hannah

National Coming Out Day was earlier this week and it always makes me feel…a little left out.

Coming out is a life-changing experience.  It forever alters the relationship you have with those you come out to.   Sometimes its a weight off your shoulders, sometimes they admit they already knew, or at least it’s not a surprise.  Sometimes it goes horribly wrong.  Sometimes it’s all of them.  It’s a huge risk as we will never really know how someone will react until we do it.  I am sensitive to those we come out to as it will forever change how they see us and a certain level of care and consideration needs to be kept in mind when we do.

I think at this point in my life I have come out to everyone that I ultimately will.  I don’t feel the need to come out to anyone else.  A few years ago I felt that I should tell my mom and siblings.  I felt that this was big enough, and important enough, that they should know.  I also wanted to come out to them because, well, this is big enough and important enough to me.

My immediate family are kind, loving people.  Fiercely liberal, supportive and allies to everyone in the LGBTQIA spectrum.  I wish I could say that coming out to them “accomplished” what I wanted to.  I had hoped that my mom and siblings would have a cup of coffee or hit the mall with Hannah.  That hasn’t happened (well, except for that one time) and I doubt it will.

Please understand that I don’t think negatively of them because of this.  Coming out to someone is tricky.  It can be hard on those we come out to, and it’s hard for us to get it right.  We only have one chance to come out to someone the first time and how we do it will set the tone going forward.  I’m sure coming out as any part of the LGBTQIA spectrum is hard for different reasons and I don’t know what it’s like to come out as anything other than transgender.

In my experience, coming out as transgender is very hard. Being trans means different things to different people.  Me being trans is different than Caitlyn Jenner or Chaz Bono being transgender.  I think most people think of someone being transgender as one who has, or will, permanently change how they present themselves to the world.  I think most people think that being transgender means they have, or will, or are going through hormone therapy and surgery.

And for some trans people, yes, that’s exactly what being transgender means.  But as I’ve written before, gender is a spectrum.  I don’t want to transition.  I never have.  Being trans to me means not committing to presenting as only one gender for the rest of my life.  I have to explain what being transgender means and what it means to me and what it means to the person I come out to.

As anyone who has come out before, you know this can be exhausting.

I honestly think I would come out to more people if it was easier to explain and to understand.  But it is what it is and I have accepted it.

National Coming Out Day creates a bit of a pang of regret.  I read stories all day from others who came out and had amazing experiences with their family and friends.  I was happy to read so many wonderful stories.  I was happy for those that came out and proud of how supportive the people they came out to were.  I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous and sadness when I thought of own coming out.

We can come out to everyone in our lives and receive endless support from them, but sometimes the really important people in our lives are the ones we need the most love and acceptance from.

As I’ve said I have accepted things and I am luckier beyond any hopes and dreams I ever had.  I have the love and understanding and help from my patient and amazing wife.  I have a wardrobe that exceeds any fantasy I ever had.  I couldn’t ask for more.  And I won’t.

I hope everyone has love and support and understanding from at least one person in their life.  I hope everyone has at least one fabulous dress in their closet that makes them happy, I hope everyone has at least one killer pair of heels that they never thought they would have.

We all have our own stories and experiences when it comes to coming out.  If you would like to share them in the comments I would love to read them.

Love, Hannah

 

 

PFLAG Events for August

by Hannah

PFLAG_TClogoPFLAG‘s mission is uniting people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) with families, friends, and allies.  PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy.  PFLAG has 400 chapters and 200,000 supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

PFLAG was the first support organization I heard of when I was growing up.  I attended their meetings a few years ago and found it was a supportive, and inclusive community.  PFLAG is a wonderful group, especially for our spouses and family members and I am happy to promote the events the Twin Cities chapter has scheduled.

The Twin Cities chapter of PFLAG’s August support group meeting is Tuesday, August 21 at 6:30 pm at Union Congregational Church.
Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Hi Hannah, I’ve been cross dressing for almost 2 years now. Was it hard to go out in public for the first time, and what was your friends and family’s response?

It was hard to go out the first time, but each time I’ve gone out it has gotten easier.  The first time you go out, I would recommend going to a PFLAG meeting or another LGBTQ support group.  Knowing you are going to meet a supportive group of people will make our first time out a little easier.

Before you go out, please make sure you are ready.  Before I go out, I always make sure my purse has:

-Eyeliner

-Lipstick

-Finishing powder

-Mascara

That’s the fun stuff.  The reality is that I have a lot more in my purse than makeup.  I recommend every t-girl have the following in their purse:

-Cash.  This is pretty obvious but I use cash for everything when I go out.  If I want to get a coffee or need to pay for parking, I use cash.  I like cash because I don’t run the risk of turning over my credit card (with my male name) to a cashier.  I also bring my debit and credit card just in case.

-Proof of car insurance.  If you get into an accident or get pulled over, you’ll need to provide proof of insurance.  Simple enough but plan for the worst.

-Fully charged cell phone.  Pretty self-explanatory.  You’ll need it in case of emergency.  Any emergency.

-Roadside assistance information.  You need to know who to contact if you get a flat tire.  Sure, I can change a tire myself, but no way I am doing that in a dress or heels.

-Driver’s license.  Again, if you get pulled over…

-Spare car key.  If you’re not used to carrying a purse, you might forget to place your keys in it.  A spare key tucked in your purse saves a call to a locksmith.

-Medical insurance card.  Again, plan for the worst.

-A friend.  I don’t mean bring a friend with you, though shopping is a lot more fun if you do, but if you’re out to anyone in your life, drop them a message to let them know you’re stepping out.  It’s good to let someone know you’re out on the town in case you need help.

-I would also recommend downloading the Uber or Lyft app.  If you run into car troubles and need help, having this on your phone can be a lifesaver.  I have an app on my phone and I have multiple accounts associated with it.  One for my male life, one for Hannah.  I’ve used Uber as both genders and I’ve never had an issue.

Where should you go?

Anywhere you want, but plan ahead.  Is there a GLBT friendly coffee shop in town?  Maybe start there.  Or a GLBT bar?  That’s another option.  For your first time out, some of us go someplace where they’re used to seeing girls like us.  It’s important to get used to being out in public and it’s easier if you know you’re not the first t-girl, or the only t-girl there.  If there’s not a place like that in your area, I bet there’s a PFLAG or a Tri-Ess chapter that meets near you.

Being comfortable out will take time but you will get there.  I never thought I’d go to a restaurant or a mall or a gas station in heels, but I do it all the time.

Not comfortable yet in your area?  Drive to a bigger city.  Get a hotel room there, have an adventure!  Bigger cities tend to be more liberal and open minded than smaller towns.  When I go to downtown Minneapolis, I walk down the street confident in knowing I am not the first or last transgirl to strut that street that day.  Bigger cities have seen girls like us before.

Will people see you?  Of course they will.  You’re out in public.  Will they point?  Will they laugh?  Will they whisper behind your back?  Maybe.  But really, so what?  I go out all the time and very, very rarely does anything like that happen.  And the more often I go out, the less I notice it.  Will people recognize you?  Maybe.  If you’re afraid of that happening, again, go to a different town.

I know I was nervous people would point and snicker while I was out in the real world, but that hasn’t really happened to me.  I’ve interacted with everyone from baristas to shop clerks to gas station employees to waiters and I’ve never had a bad experience.  No one has been rude or laughed or anything.  The world is a wonderful place sometimes.

Safety is the number one concern, of course.  I know what parts of my city are safer and I’m sure you do too so don’t go there.  Go somewhere where you can park in a well lit area as well.  Going out for the first time is nerve wracking enough but going someplace a little iffy is just adding more stress that you don’t need.

Looking back, I have only come out to my friends who are LGBTQ, and it’s all gone very well.  Now that I think about it, I have only come out to maybe five friends.

Coming out to my mom and sisters were both very different experiences.  I think if I were to do it all over again, I definitely would do things differently.   I’ve written a little about this previously.  But, the short version is that my family loves me, they understand me as best they can and I love them.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah
Hey Hannah, 
How accepting is your family?   Are they accepting and you can be Hannah around them?   Or do they not want to see it.
Coming out as transgender can be challenging to our loved ones.  My family is accepting, supportive and are definitely advocates of the LGBTQ community.  However, regardless of how much of an ally you are, it can be difficult when someone you love comes out.
Identifying as transgender can add additional questions to our loved ones.  Being transgender can mean something different from individual to individual.  Some of us have transitioned, or want to transition, and for some of us it’s never crossed our mind.  Accepting a family member as transgender isn’t easy, but there is also the additional question of what it means to them and possibly what’s next for them.
My family knows they can go shopping or have a cup of coffee with Hannah whenever they’d like, but I don’t press anyone with this part of me.  I have also written previously about how I think it’s important we try to be conscious of who we are to our loved ones and be gentle and considerate when we come out.
Of course, if we waited for everyone we know to be “ready” to meet us, we may never get to be ourselves.  I also am speaking as someone who does not want to live full-time, so it’s easier for me to accommodate my dual genders and the rest of my life.  I realize everyone’s needs and lives our different, and can only speak for myself.
Love, Hannah

So, This Happened…

by Hannah

day 2 dressI had a feeling, almost a premonition, that something interesting was going to happen when I went out yesterday.  I started by picking out my outfit, a white dress with a floral pattern and matched it with a pair of nude pumps as seen in the photo to the left.  But at the last second I replaced it with a hot pink dress and matching stilettos as shown in the photo below.

My makeup looked good.  My mascara made my eyelashes so long that they cast a shadow on my face.  My lipstick matched my outfit.  Whatever was going to happen, I was going to face it by looking fabulous.  I was going to meet up with a friend for dinner and I had some time to kill so I went to the mall.  I popped into a few stores and then as I rounded a corner, I saw her.

I saw my mom.

1I came out to my mom a few years ago, when I still identified as a crossdresser.   I still identify as a crossdresser but I feel transgender is more appropriate.  It was a surprise to her and although my mom is a wonderful person and supportive of the GLBTQ community, she wasn’t prepared for this revelation and it didn’t go as well as I had hoped.  But I think I could have explained myself better.  I think had I explained what it meant for me to identify as trans as opposed to me wearing dresses and heels it might have gone differently.  I think when I started to identify as transgender instead of a crossdresser I went from “this is what I like to do” to “this is who I am”.

I was excited for her to meet Hannah.  I wanted  very much to go shopping with my mom, to meet for coffee.  To be a daughter, even if only for an afternoon.  But it wasn’t meant to be.  She was glad I was honest with her but wasn’t ready to meet Hannah.

Over the next few months, we had a few more conversations but I didn’t feel they were going anywhere.  I soon gave up on the hope of her meeting Hannah.  It would still hurt from time to time, however.  I knew my mom loved and accepted me, but I couldn’t help feeling sad that there was this part of my life, another half of my life, that she didn’t want to know.

 

I could have pressed, but I respected her feelings.

Lately it has been on my mind, though.  I wondered if enough time had passed for me to broach the subject again.  When I considered this, most of the time I decided to drop it.  When I didn’t decide to drop it, I wondered how to do it, and ended up dropping it anyway.  But yesterday my mom faced me in the most literal way possible: by running into me at the mall.  Because of course I was at the mall.

As we walked towards each other, I didn’t have that sense of panic.  It was more like…what should I do here?  I remembered my mom saying she didn’t want to meet me, but it felt wrong to just pass by her and not say anything.  But I also felt like this was my chance.  It was meant to be.

After the initial shock, we got to chatting.  Small talk, how the week went, what was coming up later on in the month, my sisters, weekend plans.  I am sure running into Hannah was the last thing she expected to happen on her Saturday trip to JCPenney’s but my mom bounced back well and was comfortable, chatty, friendly and just…normal.  It didn’t feel weird or tense.

We ended up walking around the store and talking for about 20 minutes until she was off on her next errand.  In the parking lot I told her that I knew she didn’t want to meet me and that I was sorry it happened.  I am not sorry for who I am, but I respected her decision to not meet me.  I told her that this afternoon was something I had dreamed of for a very long time.  I let her know if she ever wanted to go shopping or have a coffee that I would love to meet up with her.

I was surprised at how emotional I was when I told her this.

We said our goodbyes, she told me she loved me (as she always does when I see her) and she hugged me.  Do you know how long I’ve wanted her to hug Hannah?

I walked back to the mall and immediately texted my wife.  After I told her what happened, we exchanged this:

unnamed

My evening went as planned and later my wife called my mom just to check in with her now that she met me.  My mom was supportive and talkative, had some questions for my wife and was very encouraging.  I suppose ten years ago I never thought I would have had a day like yesterday…having a wife who is supportive, having the confidence to go out, having the courage to tell my mom and for my wife and my mom to chat about my gender identity on the phone.

I never really thought what occurred yesterday would ever happen and who knows if she’ll ever see me again.  Yesterday life became a whole new world for myself and for my mom.  It was full of new.  I mean, how often does your mom meet you for the first time?

Love, Hannah