Month: January 2021

I know, SO MANY Ask Hannah posts lately!  lol

When I started a website years ago I wondered if anyone would read it or if anyone would care.  When people started to comment and subscribe it was, well, it was thrilling.  It was also incredibly gratifying.  I was never sure if people would relate to what I thought about but as time passes I realize how alike we all are.  Our lives are usually made more difficult by a side of us that is so beautiful, a side of us that makes us so happy.  We have the same struggles, the same joys, the same stress, the same conversations, the same fears, the same frustrations of finding size 12 stilettos.  

I write about everything from makeup, news relevant to our community, fashion, advice, activism, and politics.  I also am a shameless self-promoter.  Whenever I post something I learn what y’all like to read about based on the number of your responses/likes.  This is so helpful!  I want a website that is helpful, that is engaging, that is worth reading.  I also learn what NOT to write about.  

There have been a lot of Ask Hannah posts lately because I have been getting a lot of Ask Hannah questions lately.  I don’t always post the questions on my website, especially if it’s a question I have answered before (such as questions regarding adjusting your voice, for example).  I actually love getting these questions because I do want to help.  I am incredibly flattered when someone asks about my opinion and perspective.  I don’t always have the answer, but God knows I have an opinion.

I want to thank everyone who submits a question as well as everyone who comments.  Your comments, perspectives, experiences, are almost always more helpful than my response so they are very much appreciated.

Every question I get reminds me of how…  complicated who we are is.  One hand, of all the hard things to do in life, crossdressing is the easiest.  It’s simple.  Do you want to know how to crossdress?  Here’s how to crossdress:

-Your wife’s lipstick?  Go put it on.  You are crossdressing

.-Order a pair of panties online.  Put them on.  You are crossdressing.

-Run out to Walgreens and purchase a pair of tights.  You are crossdressing.

I know this isn’t helpful.  I know it’s even a little bitchy, but my point is that by my definition of crossdressing (which is wearing anything that most people think is “for girls”) is easy.  You can buy pantyhose at the gas station if you want to (pro tip, don’t buy pantyhose from the gas station).  Instead we need to look at what we want on a different level.  Usually the questions we have (myself included) are usually pretty basic.  “How do I crossdress?”  “How do I wear makeup?”  “How do I go out en femme?”  All of these questions are, on a surface, very easy to answer, but the simple and direct answer isn’t helpful at all.

Instead we need to dig a little deeper.  No one really is asking how to wear makeup.  It’s easy!  Remember your wife’s lipstick?  Go put it on.  When we want to know how to wear makeup we are really asking:

-How do I know what foundation is right for me?

-Is my skin dry or oily?  

-What shade of powder should I get it?

-How do I contour?

-How do I apply false eyelashes?

These questions are on a different, more specific level.  This is what we’re really asking.  Same thing with almost everything we are wanting to know.  When I wanted to go out en femme I didn’t know HOW to do it.  Part of me told myself to put on my big girl panties, slip on my heels and strut out into the real world.  I mean, it  makes sense, right?  But the questions I wrestled with were:

-What will other people think?

-What do I do if I see someone I know?

-What will other people think?  

-What if someone laughs/points at me?  

-What will other people think?  

-What if someone harasses me (or worse)?

-What will other people think?  

-What if my car breaks down?

-What will other people think?  

-How do I carry a purse?

-What will other people think?  

-Where do I go?

-What will other people think?

-How do I pass/blend in?

-What will other people think?

You get the point.  So many of these questions were eventually answered with “who cares?”.  But that answer didn’t come easily or quickly.  I got to the point where I wanted to go out so badly that I didn’t care about passing (and there’s no such thing as passing), I didn’t care if people pointed anymore.  I just was ready to go out.  I didn’t want my fear to hold me back anymore.  Some of these questions had a practical answer, such as carrying my AAA card in the event of a breakdown and downloading the Lyft app in case I needed a ride, but most of these questions had some connection to worrying about what others would think.  Yes, I know how to call for a tow truck if needed, but what would the tow truck driver think about me?  Again, I decided that I didn’t care.  I needed to go out and thank God I did.  It’s (usually) a wonderful world.

This is just to say thank you.  Thank you for reading, thank you for your comments, thank you for your questions.  Almost every email and comment helps me understand what our community is all about, what we fear, what we love, what we need.  We need each other, let’s keep being there for each other. This life is hard enough and at the very least we can help each one another with finding a dress that fits.

Related reading

What is Crossdressing?

Why Passing isn’t Important

Love, Hannah

When I’m en femme I fantasize about being with a man. I’m not gay, so is this normal ?

I would never, ever tell someone what their sexual identity is, so I hope you’re not looking for a definitive answer.  This is something only you can answer.  

When we come out to someone, one of the first questions we are asked is whether or not we are gay.

This question, though I expect it, always throws me off.  I don’t see a connection between what I wear and who I am attracted to.  I suppose it makes sense for someone to ask, though.  Both the T and the G are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and let’s face it, the media hasn’t been very helpful when it comes to how a drag queen or a crossdresser is portrayed.  It’s getting better, but not fast enough.  The damage has been done.

Many of us insist we are not gay and that wearing panties or nail polish or anything else doesn’t change our sexual preference.

Of course, some of us will say that when they are en femme, the idea of being with a guy becomes… well, an option.  Or a fantasy.

We can’t have it both ways when it comes to a link between who we sleep with, and what we sleep in.  Clothes do not change your sexual preference.

I wrote a little about this for En Femme recently.

But clothes do bring something out of us.  When I am en femme, I am friendly, chattier, more social.  I am also more vulnerable and sensitive.  A dress does not make me these things, a dress brings OUT these things.  Things that are already there, things that are always there.  I can be vulnerable, sensitive, friendly, chatty, and social in male mode, but it takes a little more effort than when I am en femme.

I believe this is the same when it comes to sexuality.  I don’t think you BECOME gay (or heteroflexible or bi) because you are en femme.  I don’t think lipstick makes you feel attracted to men.  I think being en femme opens a door to parts of us that exist in us, but are tucked away in male mode.  This is my opinion, however.  My thinking is that if you are curious or attracted to men en femme, you probably are in male mode too, it’s just maybe pushed really far down inside.  

Some of us like the idea of being with a man when we are en femme because it might help make us feel more feminine.  Engaging in certain activities, whether it is intimacy with a man or a man holding a door open for us, can make someone feel more feminine as we are being treated like a lady by a man.  

Again, I am not here to suggest to anyone what their sexual identity is, but would it really matter if you were attracted to men?  

I sincerely hope this helps.

Related reading

SEX

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

I came across a video that was floating around Twitter the other day.  It starred a young woman, probably in her twenties, talking about her experiences as a trans girl.

And she was gorgeous.  I mean, obviously.  All women are.

Sometimes I see another t-girl and I’m like yeah!  I’m trans too!  T-girl power!     But she was…  she was on another level.

Before I go further I want to acknowledge that all women, trans or cis, look different.  There is no standard one must meet to be pretty, to be a girl, to be trans, to be femme.
Okay, now that I have that out of the way, this girl was beautiful.  I wasn’t expecting her to say she was trans.  Her face was heart-shaped, she was petite, her voice as femme as could be.  After a few moments of the video I felt more like a boy than ever before.  Yes, she’s trans, and yes, I’m trans too, but she and I are trans in the same way someone writing lousy poetry and Stephen King are both authors.  

Logic, facts, and self-worth don’t always overlap.

I don’t want to say I spiraled into a pit of despair, as I am wont to do sometimes, but I thought about her for a few days.  I stopped my self-esteem from plummeting after I told myself that she was likely half my age, it’s possible she had surgery, facial reconstruction, possibly was on hormones and t-blockers at an early age.  It’s also possible that she was just born and grew naturally into a beautiful girl.  I don’t know, and it really doesn’t matter.  My life and her life are completely different and it’s not healthy to compare myself to her.  For starters, it’s possible she identifies as having one gender.  I don’t.  I have two genders. If she did have surgery, if she did take estrogen, it’s likely because she felt those steps were aligned with what she felt was necessary for her gender identity.   

Being bi-gender means I live my life going back and forth between gender identities and presentation and I am happy as a boy and a girl.  Surgery, hormones, it’s not what I feel is right for me.  Yes, we’re both transgender, but if break the t-word down a little, there’s another, more accurate, more personal label for me.

This got me thinking about bi-gender representation.  I feel that the transgender community has a lot of wonder people representing our community.  However, a lot of the trans girls that most people know, such as Laverne Cox, have taken hormones, have had surgery, or both.  Caitlin Jenner has had a lot of work done.  And that’s okay!  T-girl power!  I am not judging at all!  Promise.  I DO think it COULD have an impact on how the non-trans community views a trans person and how it MIGHT influence what SOME cis people think what it means to be trans.  If the only trans people most of the world sees have had surgery or taken hormones, it’s POSSIBLE some people think that you NEED to have taken these steps to be trans.
And of course, that’s not the case.

Were I to come out to everyone as trans, I know I would be asked if I was going to start hormones.  I would be asked this because many people think you need to do certain things because you are trans.  A t-girl knows that the term transgender covers a lot of territory.  A crossdresser, someone who is bi-gender, a drag queen, a boy who wears nail polish, the girl in the video, all fall under the fabulous umbrella that is transgender.  

I think the term transgender is a double-edged sword for some of us.  On one hand, it’s wonderful to be a part of a community.  There’s a term, there’s a community for a boy that wears panties, a man that wants to wear a dress, for someone who feels that being a boy is just not who they are.  On the other hand, this is a big word!  It’s intimidating!  It comes with a lot of expectations.  If we come out as trans, all of a sudden we are going to be asked if we will live full-time, if we will take estrogen, have surgery “down there”, and all sorts of invasive questions.  For a lot of us, these steps are not right for us, we have no need or desire to take any sort of medication or anything.  We just like to be beautiful.  Many of us, myself included, just enjoy going back and forth between genders.

Because of the weight the transgender term brings, many of us are hesitant to identify that way.  It’s easier to stick with the term crossdresser.  Of course, that word also has some skewed, mostly sexual, perceptions.  If crossdressing isn’t a fetish to someone, and we don’t want that perspective to be associated with ourselves, well, what are we?  

Well, we’re still a crossdresser.  We’re still transgender.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it?  Generally transgender means surgery to most of the world, and generally crossdresser means kinky to most of the world.  We are between the devil and the deep blue sea in terms of how most of the world thinks of someone like us.

More of us fall in between these two terms than the world thinks.  The reason is that someone who wants to be femme, but doesn’t want to take estrogen or wears a dress for a sexual reason, doesn’t have representation.  Not enough of it.  In terms of someone outside of our community, RuPaul, Laverne Cox, Caitlin Jenner are who most people think of when they think of someone who isn’t cis.  I am not dragging (lol) RuPaul at all.  RuPaul is GORGEOUS and I feel does more good than harm in terms of deconstructing gender norms.  But a drag queen and someone who has had everything from facial reconstruction and a trachea shave, and someone like myself, are all on different points of the gender spectrum.  

A girl like me, possibly a girl you as well, identifies as bi-gender.  Crossdressing, I feel, is about clothes, generally.  Wearing panties under my boy clothes, sleeping in a nightie, is me crossdressing.  Wearing thigh pads, getting a makeover, walking around in stilettos, well, I’ve stepped over the line of crossdressing into my other gender identity.  And that’s the key!  A different gender identity.  Whether it’s for a couple of hours to a full day, it’s a different, it’s another gender than the one I usually present as.  

Any term outside of identifying as cis can be difficult for others (ourselves, too) to understand.  I don’t think one is easier than other, but identifying as bi-gender has it’s own challenges.  Sometimes I am a girl, sometimes I am a boy.  Which is, if you think about it, is really strange to a lot of people.  My wife always feels like a girl.  All cisgender people always feel like the gender they were assigned to when they were born.  

Not long ago, drag was really weird, and really new to people outside of the LGBTQ+ community.  Now drag is mainstream, in a way.  Most people can name a drag queen (thanks to RuPaul).  Most people can name a transperson, but a bi-gender girl like me (and possibly you) doesn’t have that kind of representation.  We need it.  We desperately want others to “get” us.  I mean, that won’t happen and it doesn’t need to happen, but I think we want someone to point to and say that we are bi-gender, the same as (insert person’s name here).

  All of a sudden it would click with someone else.  We have given them context, a frame of reference.  They know what it means to be bi-gender because a character on a television is bi-gender.  They listened to a podcast that featured a bi-gender person.  They know the term, they know what we mean when we say we’re bi-gender.  

I would love to see more girls like us, girls like us who aren’t always girls, who don’t always want to be girls or boys, in the media.  In the mainstream.  I would love to see more representation for someone like myself.  The more people are aware of how many ways someone can identify is important and it breaks down the whole concept of gender.  At one point people thought of gender as binary, as either a boy OR a girl (I mean, some still think this) but over time cis, trans, drag, crossdresser, started to pop into people’s vocabulary.  I’d like to see bi-gender out there, too.  I feel that within the community that identifies as a crossdresser we are very familiar with what bi-gender means.  I would love to see it break out of our little bubble.

So!  How does this happen?  Just like everything else, whether it is a ciswoman wearing pants or a drag queen becoming a celebrity, the world just needs to see more of whatever we want to become more commonplace.  At one point women wearing shorts or pants was highly controversial and even scandalous.  But the more people saw women wearing shorts, it became more normal.  The more movies that had a gay character in it, the more people accepted and understood that love is love.  Visibility works!  It’ll take decades (if we’re being optimistic) but the more people see girls like us identifying specifically as bi-gender, the sooner we’ll get there.  

The point of all this is that if you are like me, and you identify as bi-gender, we are representing our pocket community that is in within the transgender community.  Every time you go out en femme, every time you try to explain to someone who you are, what being bi-gender means, the more you are changing the world, regardless of long it is going to take.  And I thank you for that.  Gender is a complex concept.  It’s arbitrary and a little silly and at the same time incredibly important and personal.  

Please don’t ever feel like a fraud or less valid identifying as transgender.  Especially after seeing a video or a photo of someone so unbelievably femme like I mentioned earlier.  Her identifying as trans is different than how I identify as trans.  Some trans people feel that they need surgery or estrogen to be who they are.  I don’t feel that.  If I wanted to look like her, then I would need to take steps, such as hormones, to do that.  But those steps don’t feel right for me.  They don’t feel right for me because I am bi-gender.  As much as I love being femme, I also love (in a different way), being a boy.  I need to be true to both of my genders.  I am true to being my femme self when I am en femme.  I am true to my other gender when I am not.  I am true to both of my genders when I let myself choose my gender presentation.  Hormones, surgery… yes, they would be true to my femme self, but that would come at a price for my boy self.  I don’t feel any step I could take in either gender is right for me if it would impact my other gender.  I won’t grow a beard because it impacts my femme side, I won’t take estrogen because that would impact my boy life.

Does that make sense?  If you’re bi-gender it makes total sense.  We live happily between two genders.  We are between an angel and the deep blue ocean.  

Love, Hannah

Related reading

The T Word

Why Passing isn’t Important

Trans, Drag, and Crossdressing

What is Crossdressing?