Month: September 2021

Hi!

How have you been?  I know it’s been a minute but I have been traveling for work over the last week or so.  I am exhausted!  I normally travel for work but I haven’t been doing so since February of last year.  I THINK I am back to traveling on a more regular schedule but we’ll see.  I like my job and the opportunities it provides but goodness it wipes me out.  When I am at the office for work it’s usually for a lot of meetings and such and it really takes me out of my little routine which throws me off the entire time I am out of town.  It’s nice to come home.  For me, being away from familiar surroundings and my routine really exhausts me.  Of course, the endless meetings when I am out of town don’t help much.  

Thank goodness for crossdressing.  Really.  

After the stress of traveling and work, I can’t tell you how nice it was to come back to the hotel and slip into something cute, whether lingerie or a nightgown and just de-stress and relax.  It really helps take the edge off of a busy day.  When I am in the office, it’s all khakis and neckties which is completely different from my normal work-at-home attire of leggings and a cardigan.  

Clothes are absolutely a way for me to stay connected to my femme side, even if it’s just under-dresssing.  Femme clothes represent a break from my male life, the side of my life that attends meetings and wears suits.  Going from one gender presentation to another is not unlike flipping a switch.  Even if am not presenting completely en femme, changing from a dress shirt to a nightgown is also like flipping a switch and going from the stresses of life to downtime.  

I’ll end this week with going out on Saturday and I am really looking forward to getting completely dolled up and spending the day in a cute dress and heels.  It’s the perfect way to unwind after such a stressful and exhausting trip.  

Thank goodness for this side of me, for this side of us.

Love, Hannah

Depending on where you are on your journey of gender identity and your wardrobe collection, you might have a femme name.  It’s obvious why we have femme names.  It’s a little weird to wear a cute dress and spend an hour on our makeup and introducing ourselves as Frank.  I mean, you do you obviously but I was at a point in my life when it simply felt weird to look at myself and have a boy name when I was wearing my wig and makeup.  The wig and makeup were the breaking point, if you will.  I could call myself by my boy name when I was wearing panties or lingerie, but once I strutted across the line of makeup and wigs my reflection screamed GIRL and anything, especially my boy name seemed… well, it wasn’t a good fit.  

My name comes from the Japanese word ‘onnagata’ which means “woman role”.  At one point in Japanese theater women were not allowed to be on stage so the roles were played by men. 

Essentially the word is essentially a female impersonator.  Early on in my social media days I needed a last name to register for forums and websites.  I used “Hannah Gotta” which more or less rhymed with ‘onnagata’.  “Gotta” was never meant to be my “last name” but it was just something to type in that field.  It was a few years until I adopted ‘McKnight’ as my last name.  There’s no real story for McKnight other than it’s the name of a street in Saint Paul and I thought “Hannah McKnight” sounded good.  

Our names can be a variation of our boy names.  Some of us go by the name our parents were considering if they had a daughter instead of a son (but they did anyway).  Some of us have names that we simply liked and thought were beautiful.  We all have stories for our names, but at what point did you realize you needed and wanted a femme name?

Love, Hannah

I’ve been getting a lot of emails recently from people asking what does their crossdressing mean.
What they want to know is WHY they crossdress and what their crossdressing means about their sexuality.

No one, especially someone like us, can be neatly or satisfactorily explained or described in a sentence or two.  Human beings are complex, multi-faceted people and there are rarely words that accurately explain who we are and why we are.  

But let’s give it a try.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, and that’s okay!  The internet is filled with different experiences, opinions, and perspectives.  I try to break complex things down (such as gender identity and wardrobe preferences) to something simple.  My explanations can often be oversimplified and usually lead to more challenging and soul-searching introspection.  I can also only offer perspectives on my own life with the hope that it might help someone else.

That being said, I don’t know WHY someone crossdresses.  I know why I do.  I wear “girl clothes” because I am transgender, or, more specifically, bi-gender.  I identify as transgender because of my broad definition of what being trans means (at least to me).  My definition of being transgender is something that is typically associated with a gender that is different than they one they were assigned to at birth.  I admit my definition of transgender covers a LOT of territory and I don’t expect all of us to agree with it.  And that’s okay, I am not trying to convince anyone here.  I believe people should wear what they want, no matter which gender the clothes are designed for.  This…., well, it’s not enlightened exactly, but this perspective de-genderizes clothes.  Why should only girls wear leggings and nightgowns and cute panties?  Anyone should be able to wear what they want, and anyone CAN.

Being transgender doesn’t mean surgery or hormones or transitioning.  At least not to me.  I acknowledge that being transgender might mean that to someone else and that’s okay!  I am not here to tell anyone that their perspective and opinion is wrong.  

So why does someone crossdress?  Because, well, they want to.  There’s something about dresses or stilettos or makeup that simply draws their attention or curiosity.  There is something alluring and enchanting about lingerie or a little black dress.  A man might be attracted to a girl because they are wearing a leather miniskirt and fishnets, but for someone like us, we might also want to WEAR the leather miniskirt and fishnets.  I know I do, and I do.  Let’s think of this as a door, in a way.  This new door is open to someone like us, the door that connects noticing the girl in the skirt and (opens the door) wanting to wear what she is wearing.

I think (and again, I understand that we all have different opinions on this) that crossdressing is a facet of being transgender.  Wearing “girl clothes” might have something to do with your gender identity, it might not.  I think for me it has EVERYTHING to do with my gender identity.  I am ALWAYS wearing “girl clothes”, even in boy mode.  I sleep in a nightgown, when I wake up in the morning I wear panties and leggings.  I wear “girl clothes” in boy mode.  I wear nighties, panties, femme jeans, and leggings because they are comfortable.  I don’t care (but I love that they are) that they are “for girls”.  You could invent the most comfortable, softest pair of leggings in the world and some men would still refuse to wear them, even in private, because they are “for girls”.  Not someone like us.  We don’t care that they are for girls.  In fact, since they are for girls some of us want to wear them even more.

Wearing girl clothes and identifying as a crossdresser has NOTHING to do with your sexuality.  Wearing a dress doesn’t make you gay.  Just because you sleep in a nightgown it doesn’t mean you want to sleep with a man.  That being said, some crossdressers like to be with a man when they are dressed in lingerie or anything else.  And that’s cool.  You do you.  What I wear has a lot to do with my gender identity, but it has nothing to do with my sexual identity.  Clothes do not turn someone gay or bisexual.  If you want to be with a man when you are dressed, it (in my opinion) likely means you also want the same thing when you are not dressed.  

Let’s go back to the door metaphor.  For some men the idea of being intimate with another man is not appealing to them at all.  But when they dress, their inhibitions fall, we are more in touch with what we want… and that door opens a little.  Suddenly being with a man is a little more… attractive when someone is dressed in stockings and lingerie.  But the lingerie didn’t magically change their sexuality, they are just more in tune with their desire.  

Again, I don’t expect anyone else to agree with me.  These are broad perspectives and of course, strictly my own opinion.  Like I said earlier, people are complex and what might describe one person can’t necessarily describe someone else.  My point in all of this is to express that wanting to wear girl clothes doesn’t necessarily mean that one wants to BE a girl.  I don’t want to be a girl full-time.  I like going back and forth between genders.  I like wearing girl clothes in boy mode.  I have no desire to be with a man, regardless of the gender I am presenting as.  So just in case you need to hear it. wearing a dress or a bra or painting your nails doesn’t mean your gay or bi.  I mean, you MIGHT be and that’s okay!  But wearing panties or boxers (ick) doesn’t change your sexuality.  

Related reading

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The T Word

Love, Hannah