Month: December 2022

A New Year and a New World

by Hannah

I don’t know anyone who isn’t looking forward to the new year. No one is saying things like “I don’t want 2022 to end!”. It’s like that weird classmate who loved high school and never wanted it to end. The years feel like they are getting longer and it feels like so much happens in 365 (or 366 days). Too many events and there’s too much to process.

Flipping the calendar to a new year is not unlike closing a browser tab. You’re done. You’re moving on. You HAVE to. The passage of time is both cruel and gentle.

You may not know what lies ahead but it’s hopefully better than what we’re moving on from.

This is not to say to that the previous twelve months were necessarily bad. “Dumpster fire” is a term that is being used more and more often to summarize the last few years. We HOPE the next year is better even though the recent track record doesn’t give us a lot of reason to be optimistic.

But we’re still optimistic. How wonderful is that? Despite, well, EVERYTHING, we still hope and expect and plan for better days. We might talk about lowering our expectations but inside our hearts are overflowing with a wish.

As 2022 comes crashing (or limping) to an end it’s inevitable that we look back on the last twelve months. We’re recalling the reasons why we’re relieved the year is almost over but hopefully we’re also remembering why the year wasn’t a complete mess.

This year was exhausting… but then again they all are. When I woke up on January first this year I couldn’t help but think about everything that the new year might bring. All the plans and thoughts that I put off until the new year asked for my attention.

And there was no way I was going to be able to do everything. Not without losing my mind, anyway.

But here we are. 2023 is only hours away and somehow everything worked out?? There were hiccups and detours and disappointments and frustrations and stress but those things are inevitable. I don’t know how everything worked out but it did. I mean, maybe I DID lose my mind after all??

It’s a reminder that I need to, for lack of a better phrase, play the long game. Creation and change is never easy and they can usually be messy and discouraging.

Every time I thought “there’s no way I can do this”, once the dust (or glittered) settled I found myself thinking “wow, I did it” even if it happened in a way I didn’t plan for or with the quite the same outcome I had expected. Things happen the way they are meant to.

This is not to say that I don’t fail. I stumble. I fall on my face. I make mistakes. I trip up stairs, I fall down stairs. All the time. Every day.

But the big things usually work out.

I hope for the upcoming year I can stop focusing on the small things. That’s all. That’s my wish for 2023.

I mean, yes, I have other wishes for the new year but they tend to be more… attainable? I don’t expect to have a very easy time not hyper focusing on the small things so we’ll see how THAT goes. But that’s on HIM. The dreams I have for Hannah are a lot more fun and arguably a lot more shallow, lol.

I really am enjoying Hannah getting out of her comfort zone, if you will. I mean, that’s what this side of us is all about, isn’t it? These moments can be teeny tiny as we quietly think to ourselves “I like to wear dresses” and are as monumental as buying our first pair of panties. As our journeys progress with all the linearity of a distracted and over caffeinated squirrel, we dart off spontaneously and sporadically in completely different directions and then eventually make our way back to our paths.

Every single thing Hannah has become is a result of strutting or tiptoeing out of her zone. Modeling, blogging, starting the MN T-Girls… these things did not happen quickly or easily. All of these things were initiated by me, fueled by ambition and arguably ego.

And it’s all been extremely exciting and fulfilling and humbling and expensive.

Photo shoots are a wonderful way to try something new in a relatively safe environment. I was terrified of modeling lingerie but working with my photographer friend made the experience a lot easier. These days a photo shoot with lingerie is pretty…well, whatever when it comes to feeling uncomfortable.

I love clothes and I love discovering how a new look impacts how I feel. Does a dress make me feel confident? Sexy? Beautiful? Powerful? Self-conscious? Dysphoric? Possibly… just not right? It’s humbling when something just doesn’t look as cute as I had hoped it would but my goodness it’s fun to find out.

I have some new outfits that I will wear for my next photo shoot that I am planning for February. The outfits all kind of run the gamut when it comes to different looks and I couldn’t be more excited. These are the shoots I want to do more of, whether it’s a new style or a new location to shoot in. As always I would love your suggestions.

You probably have goals for HER as well. It wouldn’t surprise me that may of you are looking at 2023 as the year that you make small steps or large struts. Your goals could be anything from buying a pair of heels, coming out to someone, or stepping out en femme for the first time.

And I am so excited for you.

Listen.

We will all stumble in the new year. We will all make new mistakes and say the wrong things and wear the wrong outfit. We will teeter in our stilettos and struggle to reach the zipper in the back of our new dress.

There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes. Be kind to yourself when they happen. Don’t quit when they happen. Mistakes are part of success.

Ask for help when you need it. Be honest with yourself and with your partner.

Be patient.

Be YOU.

Love, Hannah

Our Place in the Alphabet

by Hannah

So many of us want to chat with others like us.

We want FRIENDS. We want someone to talk to, we want someone to understand us, we want someone to hit the mall with. I get it. I mean, that need to connect with others like myself was a huge part of starting the MN T-Girls.

When we come out to others we have to start at the beginning. The Whys and the Whens and the Whats and the Hows. And then of course there is the potential fallout from the conversation or the risk of the relationship going badly. We are confiding in them and we pray they in turn don’t out us to someone else.

Knowing others like ourselves circumvents all of that. Other t-girls get it. Other crossdressers get it. We can relate because we also live outside of the binary.

Our partners want this, too. How many of us have heard our wives tell us that they feel so alone in all of this? They can’t talk about this aspect of their marriage or this side of their husband with anyone in their life. They also know that it’s unlikely that someone in their world will get it or will be able to relate to their husband wanting to dress up.

We need support, we need friends, we need others to confide in.

And that support is out there.

But although there are more transgender specific resources available than ever before, it’s not always easy to find something that fits or a support group that is close to where we live.

It’s easier to find support if we broaden what we search for. Googling “transgender support” will yield some options but again, they may not be what we need or even in the same state that we live in.

I get many emails from girls like me and emails for partners looking for support, for help, for someone to talk to. Knowing that transgender specific groups aren’t very common, I always recommend seeking out a therapist, counseling, as well as PFLAG and GLAAD.

PFLAG’s name started as an acronym for ‘Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays’ but is simply referred to as PFLAG these days. GLAAD stands for ‘Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation’.

Some of us (and some of our partners) bristle a little at these two suggestions. Primarily because there is no T (or CD) in those acronyms.

And it’s true! There’s not. But you can find the T in LGBTQIA+.

And yes! So many acronyms.

On a related note I get emails telling me how frustrated they are with how long the LGBTQIA+ acronym is getting. I mean, I get it, but I think it’s wonderful how inclusive it has become.

The resistance to PLFAG and GLAAD that can come from girls like us (and our partners) is that this side of us has zero to do with their sexuality. It’s about what we wear TO bed, not who we go to bed WITH.

And yes! I can relate. When I am en femme or wearing leggings or a nightgown it doesn’t change who I am attracted to. My gender identity and sexual preference are on completely different planets.

So, why point others to PFLAG and GLAAD? For starters they are both nationwide organizations with resources all throughout the United States. While it’s true there may not be a support group that meets in your small town, it’s likely there is a support group that is relatively close to you.

But these organizations are experienced when it comes to helping those of us (and are our partners) who are, in their heart, soul, and mind, not what most people in the world think they are. Almost everyone in the world looks at me when I present as male and likely would never in a million years even begin to guess what I wore to bed last night or what I am wearing under my boy clothes.

A therapist can be amazing when it comes to leading us through any sort of confusion that we feel in our lives. Whether it’s about our gender identity or trauma or relationship concerns they know what to ask. Their questions and guidance may not be completely laser-focused on gender expression but rather more broad and then they will, more or less, get to the root of who we are.

I mean, I like to think that my wardrobe has nothing to do with anything and that I am who I am. BUT if I dig a little deeper there’s a lot to it. There’s a lot to me. That’s not to say that my gender identity is rooted in any sort of trauma or anything. Not at all. My gender identity is intwined with me wanting to be as happy as I can be.

PFLAG and GLAAD are here for anyone that is something other, something more than cisgender and straight. We all are looking for our place in an acronym and are looking for our place in the world.

Love, Hannah

I’m Your Hell, I’m Your Dream

by Hannah

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
And I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between

-Meredith Brooks

I am not used to not doing anything.

I also don’t like not being able to do what I want, lol.

Despite my boss’ penchant for… well, being himself, I like my job. I get a lot of satisfaction about what I do and I really don’t mind working for a couple of hours on a Sunday if it makes Monday a little easier. I have the type of job where the work will continue to pile up if I take a day off and spending a little time on the weekend taking care of emails makes the upcoming week a lot more manageable. I tend to feel easily overwhelmed so I will happily work a bit on the weekend to make the rest of the week a tiny bit less chaotic.

But we recently had a holiday weekend and my boss made it very clear no one was to work. At all. So, I didn’t. As I mentioned my boss can be unreasonable at times and tends to contradict himself but completely, um, defying his request is a really good way to piss him off.

And for good reason. I mean, he is still my boss, after all. Doing something that is the opposite of his very direct communication is not smart.

That being said, doing any work over the long weekend was completely off the table. Instead, I watched my email inbox grow to a size that I haven’t seen before.

If I am feeling restless I can go for a walk but even that wasn’t an option this past weekend as we have been experiencing subzero temperatures for almost a week and it was dangerous to be outside.

What kind of state do I live in where the weather is trying to kill me??

Simply put, I was bored.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lovely holiday. Amazing food, time with my family, and a little rest. Rest, and a lot of restlessness.

I LIKE being productive. I like DOING things.

So out of sheer boredom I started to reply to the many messages my Twitter followers have sent over the last um, few months.

I’ve been neglecting that.

Despite the amount of messages in my inbox, it didn’t take long to respond to them as most of them simply said “hi”. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch or anything but I responded with another “hi”. I matched the energy and effort that was put into the message.

I mean, how else should I respond? Again, not trying to be rude but I didn’t really know what else to say.

So, “hi”.

Some people messaged back with “want to hang out?” And no, I don’t. For one, I am married. Two, I am not looking to hook up. And three, you likely live a million miles away. How are we supposed to hang out?

Again, not actively trying to be a bitch but???

Some messages were a LITTLE longer.

Some dude: “How are you?”

Me: “Very well, thank you!”

Some dude: “ok.”

Aaaand scene.

Some people were very clear and specific as to what they were hoping would manifest from their message. And these got ignored and blocked (if they sent a photo of, well, YOU KNOW).

I got called a bitch in a few replies because I didn’t want to sleep with them. Again, I am married and not looking for any sort of… anything at all, and I’m sure these guys likely lived several states away. Were they planning on visiting me?? Do people really do that? Take a trip just to rail someone? I mean, I suppose they do but… really? People do that?

Those interactions usually went like this:

Some dude: I would luv to meet you

Me: No, thank you

Some dude: Your a bitch

Aaaand scene.

I was VERY tempted to reply with *you’re but it wasn’t worth the effort.

It’s interesting, I suppose, to find out how other people…. hm, interpret me? Is that the right term? What I mean is that I can post a photo like this:

…and it generates messages and comments along the lines of “I want to serve you, Mistress”.

If I post a photo that is literally the complete opposite such as this:

…the comments are usually along the lines of “I want to make you my sissy bitch”.

And lingerie pictures “inspire” different responses altogether.

I mean… I get it. Or rather I know what to expect. I know what will likely happen when I post certain photos.

A picture can often shape how someone thinks of me or what they think I am or want. Some people think I am a domme, some think I am someone looking for sex, some people think I am submissive.

I am none of these things.

But again, I get it. I understand that some pictures, as the cliché goes, speak a thousand words.

Although I can understand that some people may get… influenced by a picture as to what the person in it may be… ah, communicating, I suppose my hope is that someone does a little more scrolling before they write an email. I hope they do their research, I guess? I mean, if I was wearing a black leather dress in EVERY photo I post, well, that probably means that I am a girl who only wears black leather dresses. But I think my wardrobe is about as random as it gets.

When I get an IM from someone I will usually scroll through their tweets to see what kind of things they write about and the types of photos they post before I reply to them. If their timeline is filled with, well, photos of people naked, my guess is that they are very likely interested in sex.

Am I always right? Of course not, but I feel it’s probably safe to make this assumption.

If someone follows a lot of, well, sissies, it’s usually not a mystery why they responded to certain photos of mine.

Maybe I’m wrong but I like to think that I have a lot of, hm, variety of what I blog and tweet about. One day I’ll write about legislation, the next I’ll write about how essential a gaff is. One day I’ll tweet a photo of a dress I would wear to church, the next day’s picture is very much of a Saturday night outfit… if you know what I mean.

If I get a message that more of less is fixated on ONE thing I get a little… defensive? No, not quite. I am motivated to clarify who I am or who I am not, perhaps.

For example, if someone comments on a picture of me in a tight leather dress and they talk about wanting to lick my boots or serving me, I think to myself “…but I am not that kind of girl”. I’m a good girl. A good girl that has a whip and thigh high boots but still, a good girl.

Of course, the opposite happens, too. If someone says I look so very sweet in a girly pink dress I think to myself that I am not as innocent as I look.

I am who I am and while none of who I am is “playing dress up” I sure love playing dress up. I love different looks, I love CLOTHES, I love what an outfit can communicate.

I love the contrast between what I am wearing and what I am thinking. If I am modeling lingerie I am not thinking about SEX. I am thinking that I am cold and hoping my adam’s apple isn’t toooo prominent and wondering what to have for dinner.

I guess I don’t like being boxed in. I don’t like being misunderstood. I don’t want people to think Hannah McKnight is a sissy or a dominatrix or horny. I’m none of those things.

It’s not unlike the line “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.”

Or, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.”

And YES, I know, when you post ANYTHING online people are going to react to it however they please. I know I am opening myself up to a myriad of comments. I know this. And I know it’s not going to stop.

The point to all of this is that although I don’t really care what people think of me, I am always curious to know.

Love, Hannah

My Favorite Things

by Hannah

My little website can get a little introspective and intense at times and sometimes I forget that is a site that celebrates femineity.

So! As a bit of a break from the recent heavier stuff, let’s talk about the things I love about my femme side. This is going to be pretty superficial and shallow, so be warned, lol.

High Heels!

Strappy stilettos, kitten pumps, thigh high boots… it’s intoxicating how much you can communicate through your shoes.

Panties

You can match your panties to your bra, underdress every single day, or just wear something pretty to wake up in. Like dresses, I have panties for every single occasion.

Bras

Strapless, push-up bras, bras with inserts for forms… one of the most feminine items a girl like us can wear.

Lingerie

Lingerie has a reputation for bring impractical but it’s not true. A corset solves so many of my problems, lol. Lingerie is also my favorite way to feel sexy.

Stockings

Thigh highs! Fishnets! Garter belts! Seamed stockings!

Makeup

Like your heels, your makeup can communicate anything you wish. Intense or subtle, you can say volumes without parting your lips.

Skirts

I can wear a pencil skirt, a mini skirt, a skater skirt, a leather skirt…

Dresses

This girl owns a zillion dresses. Brunch, wedding reception, New Year’s Eve party, running errands, girls night out… I have the perfect dress for whatever life throws at me.

Did I miss anything? What are your favorites?

Love, Hannah

So This is Christmas

by Hannah

Christmas always puts me into a myriad of emotions and thoughts. Memories of celebrations from decades past, a reflection on how many things have changed or have not changed enough, the familiar but possibly uncomfortable dynamics that are unearthed by seeing certain family members.

No matter how you’re feeling at any given moment during the holidays, chances are there is a Christmas themed song that matches your mood perfectly.

There are songs that are tinged with sadness or regret, songs about missing your lover, the chaos of the holiday, the joy, the wonder, um, songs about crossdressing…

Perhaps I am cynical but I think most traditional Christmas music is really bad. Songs like ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ are played again and again and again because they are “classics”. Contemporary Christmas music… well, it tries. I think it would be tricky to write a modern song about Christmas. A lot of “classic” holiday music talks about things that are, well, from a bygone era. Figgy pudding? Caroling? These are things that are stuck in a Dickensian period.

That is not inherently bad, mind you. Sometimes a lyric can bring you back to a less complicated, happier mood even if you’ve never had figgy pudding or went caroling.

I suppose a modern Christmas song, a Christmas song that people in the 21st century could relate would be about praying your flight doesn’t get delayed or wondering if the iPad you ordered from Amazon will arrive on time.

I do like Christmas music, if I am being honest. I know it sounds like I am over critical of it but that’s not necessarily true. There’s a feeling, a sense of peace that comes with finding the perfect song that captures whatever I am thinking during this complicated holiday. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” can really pull at my heartstrings if it hits me right.

A modern Christmas song doesn’t have to be about being stuck at airports or maxing out your credit card. A song like “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” is a beautiful Christmas wish. “Wonderful Christmastime” not so much. How is that two members of the Beatles each wrote a Christmas song that couldn’t be further from each other in terms of quality?

Joni Mitchell’s “River” is beautiful too.

I suppose my favorite contemporary holiday song is “Wintersong” by Sarah McLachlan.

No matter how you celebrate the holidays, I hope they are filled with peace and amazing food.

Love, Hannah

Dig If You Will This Scripture

by Hannah

This is going to sound a little odd and probably a little blasphemous but here we go.

It is not unusual for a public figure, whether it is a musician or a billionaire to have fans. For the most part, liking a celebrity or whomever is pretty harmless but then are times it gets completely out of hand.

My little state of Minnesota is home or at the very least the birthplace of a few notable people. Judy Garland and Bob Dylan come to mind.

And then there is Prince.

I mentioned that this post was probably a little blasphemous and the first potentially offensive opinion I will offer here is that, well, Prince is… okay.

I don’t think that ‘Purple Rain’ is the musical masterpiece that much of the world thinks it is. Obviously he is a talented musician but… he never really appealed to me. And that’s okay! Not everything is for everyone.

Prince has quite the fandom here, as you can imagine. The fans range from casual to the obsessive to the… well, kinda scary. People who have taken their love and admiration to Prince waaaay too far. I know a few of these super-fans in my boy life and it has gotten weird at times.

And it’s not (or was) Prince’s fault. People can love someone and take their passion to levels that surpass what is, well, healthy, I suppose.

Sometimes the fandom of a musician can more of less shape my opinion of the person the fandom is idolizing. And that’s not really fair to the public figure. Sometimes your fans misrepresent your message, if you have one. Sometimes fans gatekeep their idol. Sometimes fans challenge other fans for, oh, I don’t know, dominance?

Like, “oh, you like Led Zeppelin? If you’re such a fan what’s the bassist’s middle name?“.

And here’s where I get even more blasphemous.

God can have the same problem.

And I am not talking exclusively about the Christian God here. I can’t think of a single religion that doesn’t have a central deity. I’m referring to God in every and any religion.

I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school for thirteen years. Religion was a subject I took for years and years, I attended church twice a week. In high school I took even more religion classes, but at least one was focusing on religions other than Catholicism.

I am not a scholar but I feel I am somewhat educated when it coms to the main teachings of Christianity as well as the history of the Bible and its writings. There’s… a LOT that happens in the Bible. There’s a lot of things that are said in the Bible. You could find scripture to back up or contradict a lot of beliefs.

I was always taught that the commandment “Thou shalt not take His name in vain” meant not saying things like, “Oh my God”. But these days I look at God’s request as “Don’t do evil things in My name.”

It disturbs me greatly when I hear of people hurting others and them seeing it as doing Jesus’ work. That’s not what Jesus was about.

I think it goes without saying I am not a Christian. And I am not really intending to offend anyone or challenge anyone’s beliefs here.

If religion teachers and priests wanted me to learn anything it’s that Jesus loved everyone. EVERYONE. Even the sinners. Especially the sinners.

As I studied the Bible growing up I read parts of the Gospel about His other lessons and the things that He did to set an example. He took care of the sick, the poor, the stranger. He wasn’t a fan of the wealthy.

When I hear of people who call themselves Christians who, well, don’t live by His teachings I wonder if they are missing His point or if they are hypocrites. Again, Jesus’ whole THING was taking care of people. The Ten Commandments are great and all but even Jesus had His favorite:

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

-Matthew 7:12

Denying compassion and shelter and food to people who need it doesn’t really seem like it lines up with His teachings.

This post is not about who is and who isn’t a Christian. That’s between you and God.

Today is Christmas Eve. I celebrate the holiday with my family. But we are not going to church. We don’t celebrate the holiday as the birth of the savior. I suppose this makes me a hypocrite.

I hope that in the coming year, regardless of your faith, we all live more empathetically. We live with more kindness. With more love. You don’t have to go to church or to temple or a mosque to live the core values of a religion.

Whatever you celebrate this month or throughout the year, I hope you see the people that you wish to, to have amazing food, and to spend some time doing what makes you happy. I hope you are kind to others and to yourself.

Love, Hannah

*For the love of God please be respectful in your comments. I really don’t want to see anyone criticizing any religion.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love

-Ephesians 4:2

Edit:

**To no one’s surprise, the comments here have been disabled and the most recent ones have been deleted.**

Taking Care

by Hannah

As many of you know, I am a huge advocate when it comes to seeking help from professionals.

Want to learn makeup? Schedule a lesson with a makeup artist.

Need to know your cup and band size? Get a bra fitting.

Asking for help in ANYTHING isn’t easy as it usually requires us to move out of our comfort zone. Getting professional counseling also is intimidating as we fear it may require us to confront and address parts of us that feel overwhelming or uncomfortable.

But it’s very important. I have been in therapy for much of the last twenty years with different counselors and professionals. Over the years I have received help with BIG issues but over the last decade or so it’s more about helping me maintain my mental health and managing the everyday stuff.

When I talk about… THINGS on my website I try to make it clear that my writing is mostly based on my perspective and experiences. That is to say I have no idea if I am close to the mark regarding, well, anything. When I get an email from someone saying that yes, this is how they feel too, I feel that maybe I am helping someone, somewhere.

I get emails from mental health professionals on occasion letting me know of resources that our community might find helpful. Sometimes I am told that they refer their patients to the MN T-Girls. This makes me happy and helps me think that what I write about or do is constructive.

Listen.

Based on emails I get from ya’ll it sounds like many of you feel talking to a therapist would be incredibly beneficial. Sometimes a girl wants to get some guidance on whether or not transitioning is right for them, or help when it comes to talking about this side of us to their wives, or just looking for someone to confide in. But the hesitation may come from the fear of being outed or not being able to find someone that can indeed help.

I get it. It’s easy to feel hopeless when it comes to this side of us. When I came out to my first girlfriend and it went… not so well I thought it was hopeless to be able to find someone in my life that would accept this side of me. Thank God I never gave up. At one point (actually, at many points) I thought it would be impossible to feel happy with how I looked en femme. But I never quit and I couldn’t be happier with the girl in my reflection.

Don’t give up. Don’t give up on anything. Especially not yourself.

I am honored to share with you a guest post from Jinger Thomas, an LPC (licensed professional counselor). Licensed professional counselors are licensed to work as mental health professionals. The LPC license allows them to render professional counseling services in private practice, hospitals, mental health clinics, and other counseling or a related mental health field.

I hope you take her words to heart and I hope that this helps those of us who need encouragement.

Love, Hannah

______________________________________________________________________________________

Hannah’s post “It is what it is but not what it seems” regarding mental health and her experience going to therapy really hit home with me. The first reason being that I am bigender. I have worked for years to better understand myself, and find ways to integrate my “two sides” into my life in a healthy way. The second reason being that I am a mental health therapist, technically a licensed professional counselor. I have worked in a community mental health agency, an inpatient hospital setting for over 6 years, and I currently have a private practice. Mental health and how it impacts all parts of our lives is just beginning to be understood. Despite continuing to make strides in societal acceptance of mental health issues, a stigma surrounding receiving mental health care remains. Because of this we often try to ignore our problems, refuse to acknowledge them or we end up mismanaging them which can result in many different self-sabotaging behaviors. It is in our best interest to try to find a way to handle them in a way that does not create further issues for ourselves.

I often tell my clients that while I am not a “one trick pony” as a therapist, I am probably a “six trick pony.” This list contains a few more than six tricks (ideas) but not too many. I wanted to create a condensed version of what are some very important ideas that we as gender non-conforming individuals may need to focus on from time to time. In a lot of ways these ideas are universal, and can be applied to anyone. The concepts on this list sees a significant amount of discussion and application in my practice, and not just with my gender variant clients. You have likely heard some or maybe even all of this previously. I’m not necessarily breaking new ground. Some of it will sound like a reiteration of parts of Hannah’s post. I am of the opinion that a gentle reminder never hurts.

  1. First and foremost: You are not broken. Broken implies that something needs to be fixed. Gender is one of the first things that we are taught, and it is how we are divided as small children. The majority of us have grown up with strict gender roles. People who did not behave within what was expected were often not accepted by others, and were told that they were weird, bad or wrong. Being told this, and even just witnessing others that we have found commonality with be mistreated adds to these feelings of being “broken.” Many of us may have been told so directly. Viewing ourselves as broken creates a strong sense of negative self worth. When you are told something repeatedly, or witness it enough in society it starts to seem factual. This then feeds our depression, anxiety and anger, and we can get sucked into an “emotional vortex of doom.” What we have to remember is that when someone says something to us or judges us, that is their opinion, not a fact. “Your opinion of me is none of my business.” is is a quote by clinical social worker and author Judy Ford. This statement is a two way street. We do not need to ask someone’s opinion of us, and they do not need to offer it. 
  1. We need to strive for authenticity. This is often problematic because we can’t always be open about what we are feeling or experiencing. However, attempting to behave in ways that do not feel natural or real creates an internal incongruence. Feelings of being unbalanced and unfulfilled can lead to increased anxiety and depression. When this occurs, the natural response is to try to make the negative feelings go away. Unfortunately this can lead to problematic behaviors in an attempt to “fill the void.” This can be things like eating or drinking too much, excessive shopping , or making poor personal choices that can negatively impact our relationships and our daily lives. Working to accept and incorporate your true self can alleviate a significant amount of the anxiety and depression we want to avoid. There are a number of ways that this can be achieved, but we have to be proactive by practicing some self-acceptance. When we are okay with who we are, it allows us to grow and change in the most authentic and organic way possible. On the wall in my office is a framed quote from Carl Rogers, the father of client-centered therapy. Rogers stated “What I am is already enough, if only I would allow myself to be it openly.” This idea is something that we all can work towards. There are times when we have to wear the mask, but when we are able to put it aside we will likely feel better and more connected to those around us. Authenticity and self acceptance can carry us through a lot of troubling times.
  2. It is absolutely okay if you don’t know exactly what label you want to fall under. It is important to allow yourself to explore where you feel you best fit. Humans are not able to be defined by just one thing, though there are times that we get lumped into categories by others and occasionally by ourselves. When we take stock of who we are and want to be it is unlikely that we are going to fit into a single category. This does not only apply to those of us that fall into  some variety of being transgender, but to people who are trying to find and understand their true self . We choose labels for ourselves because it is an attempt to understand the self and hopefully gain insight into why we operate the way we do. This translates to some labeling being beneficial. However, often when we label ourselves we may feel that we have to conform to the label, or that we have to fit into just one box. On a recent rare night out, I had a conversation with a young woman at the performance I attended. She originally thought that I was Jinger full time, but later in the conversation said “Oh, you’re more like gender fluid.” I told her that I typically use bigender, due to only spending about 5 percent of my time presenting as female. This interaction made me wonder why I feel the need to use any label at all. What I really want is to just be myself, whoever and whatever that is. This was a nice reminder to me that we do not need to put ourselves into any category. We can “just be.” This sounds great on paper, but it takes a significant amount of work to make it our reality. I see this as a life-long project.
  3. Feelings are not facts. They are moments, and moments change. That being said, we should try to listen to our feelings because they indicate what our immediate needs are. When these needs are not met, they will often turn to feelings of sadness and anger. By acknowledging what we feel we can hopefully learn to manage our feelings in a more appropriate manner. A concept that is important to understand and practice within this is distress tolerance. There are times that we have to just accept our situation and figure out how to live within it the best that we can. The other framed quote on my office wall is by Viktor Frankl, who you may know as the author of Man’s Search for Meaning (definitely worth the read). The quote is “When we are no longer able to change our situation we are challenged to change ourselves.” This takes time and it takes perseverance to make it happen. We have all heard sat some point “Just get over it!” From this therapist’s perspective, that advice is not helpful in the slightest. If it were truly that simple we would all hear it once and then do it from that point on, but that is not the way we work. To move past anything we first have to accept that this is our current reality and address how we feel about it. By doing that, we now have a platform from which we can grow and evolve. This helps us by allowing our negative feelings to run their course and eventually go away.
  4. Patience is not as much a virtue as it is an uphill battle. We live in a “right now” society. It can be difficult to be patient once you have opened up to others about your true self. The genie does not want to go back into the bottle once she has been out. We often try to force this side of ourselves into our relationships with our family and friends. When someone learns something new about us, they may need time to process this information. We have to be able to allow them the space they need, which means we need to be patient. Often when we end up in the dreaded “pink fog” we make choices that end up being detrimental for us. We want to go from 0 to 100 with our femme selves, and often expect those around us to be able to do so as well. I use this analogy in sessions quite often: If I sit on you and force feed you brussels sprouts, it is not likely you will ever learn to like brussels sprouts on your own. We need to give those around us time to understand and hopefully accept us when we have decided to disclose this side of ourselves. Work on patience, and allow the people we have confided in to figure out how they feel. Accepting unexpected change can be difficult. Remember that having open and honest communication will make things go easier, but it may not make them truly easy. Give it time.
  1. Learn to let go of guilt and shame. These terms are not interchangeable though we often use them as such. From some perspectives, guilt in the proper amounts and the proper circumstances can be helpful. We can learn what to do or what not to do based on our experiences. Once we have identified the root of our guilt we should address it to the best of our abilities (apologies, changing behaviors, making amends, reaching out to others etc). Doing so creates a space for us to move past the guilt. Shame on the other hand is something we need to try let go of as soon as we are capable. There are not a lot of good things that can be learned from shame. This is not to say that letting go of shame is an easy thing to do. Where guilt is a manifestation of negative feelings about something we did or did not do, shame is something that tells us “I am bad.” Many of us struggle with our self image due to experiencing shame. This is often because we internalize what others say to us and about us (obvious repeating theme here…). Take time to process these feelings and when you are ready, let them leave. 
  2. Self care is real, and it works. Many times people think of self care as going to get a massage or getting your nails done. While these things can definitely fall into the category of self care (I absolutely love getting a mani-pedi with my wife!), they are certainly not the only options. Self care can be anything that you do that you enjoy or provides feelings of fulfillment that does not negatively affect you or anyone else. It can be spending time with friends, exercise, reading, meditation, making sure you get enough sleep, watching a movie or any number of other positive things. I recommend to my clients that they do an internet search for self care and coping skills. There are innumerable things that we can do to practice self care, we just have to find which ones work for us. Much like getting a good night’s sleep prepares us for a challenging day, regularly practicing self care helps us be in a place where we can more easily handle problems or conflicts when they come our way.
  1. Do not be afraid to seek out a mental health professional. Everyone has problems that we need help with at times. I am lucky because I have seen the same therapist for a bit over a decade. We “clicked” immediately, partially because she is wonderful at her job, and partially because I was ready to make some serious personal changes. I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be open to being helped, and it definitely changed my life for the better. I have a number of clients who have shared feeling similarly about working with me. It is wonderful when you are able to connect with someone in that first session. Unfortunately the client-therapist relationship does not always go this well. Before I found my current therapist I saw three other therapists that were not a good fit for me. There were multiple reasons I felt this way including that two of them simply did not know much about gender non-conforming people, and did not seem too interested in learning more. This left me with a sour taste for the entire concept of therapy for many years. But it did not have to. I could have tried again, and I likely should have. If you decide to see someone keep in mind that they are not your only choice. If you feel that they are not a good fit for you or even if you just don’t like them, please do not give up on therapy. Find a different therapist. There are tens of thousands of practicing mental health professionals. You may have to kiss a few frogs along the way to find your prince or princess. There is someone out there who will be a good fit for you, but it may take some trial and error to find them. 
  2. There are more resources now than ever before that are focused on our community. If you or someone you know needs mental health help, please take the time to research what is available in your area. If you cannot find something available near you, there are national resources that can point you in the right direction. I have included some that may be a good place to start. 

988

–This is the national suicide hotline, and can be utilized by anyone in the United States to be connected with a mental health professional. 

Psychologytoday.com

– Allows you to search for mental health professionals by area, specialties and insurance. This is a great place to start your search for a therapist.

Thetrevorproject.org

– crisis intervention and counseling for LGBTQ+ youth.

GLAAD.org

– GLAAD has a really good list of resources for people somewhere on the transgender spectrum. It is a great place to start when looking for help, for connection to others and for connection to organizations.

These are just a starting point. There are many, many more out there. I truly hope this info will be beneficial for some of you. Times are hard right now. Remember that you genuinely matter!

Please take good care of yourself, and of those around you. 

-Jinger Thomas, LPC

How to Win Friends and Dominate People

by Hannah

I am fascinated by dominatrixes.

Wait, what’s the plural term for more than one dominatrix? Is there one?? I don’t think it’s dominatrixes and spellcheck doesn’t think so either.

*Edit!* Thank you to Vivienne who taught us that the plural term is “dominatrices”, which comes from the way of pluralizing words ending in X: appendix, appendices; matrix, matrices, etc. This website is so freaking educational. I love it.

Anyway.

I was a weird looking kid growing up. I was skinny and had huge glasses and messy hair. When my hair grew just a little too long it was very clear that it was very curly and it didn’t suit me. I had horrible acne. I was also very awkward and timid and very much a dork. I tried too hard to fit in and to be liked. I had zero self-esteem.

All of my efforts to fit in made sense in retrospect as I got older with the help of counseling. I don’t think THIS side of me contributed to my…. weirdness. I wasn’t known as the boy who liked to wear skirts or anything. This side of me was always private. No, I was just a socially awkward, gawky child. I didn’t need to wear a dress to make others think I was odd.

I was never popular but everyone in grade school knew who I was because I was just a little strange. Since no one would have thought of me as attractive or athletic or funny or smart I had to rely on my personality. And that was a big nope.

As I left my teen years I more or less grew into my looks (for better or for worse). My acne cleared up and I started to wear contacts, leaving the thick brown eyeglasses behind. Still not handsome but at least I wasn’t weird looking. I was just incredibly boring to look at it so I guess that was an improvement? Still socially inept, though.

Our adolescent years are hard on most of us. We want to be liked, we’re trying to figure out who we are, we find people in our lives, whether friends or celebrities, that we want to emulate. We can be jealous and insecure. I had friends that girls thought were very cute and would tell me this. In my early twenties I would go out to bars or whatever and my male friends would attract girls just by, well, existing. Any hope I had of meeting a girl was completely dependent on my personality.

Again, the odds were stacked against me.

This is not to say that girls are shallow. For almost all of us we are almost always first drawn to how someone looks.

But I am not complaining. Somehow I caught the eye of my wife and we fell in love.

The point I am trying to make is that I don’t know what it’s like to, well, use my physical appearance as a form of power or as a way to… hm, influence someone? Does that make sense?

When we were dating my wife would wear a certain outfit or do her makeup in a certain way that would drive me wild. It still happens. The most I could do was wear a shirt she liked. She is cute and sexy and can capture my attention (and imagination) whenever she wants.

When a photo of Hannah gets posted sometimes I’ll get comments or emails telling me I am beautiful. I am always skeptical of these compliments for three reasons:

  1. This person just wants to rail me (and this is not the ego boost some of you suspect)
  2. I don’t think I am beautiful to others. The filter, the makeup, and the dress are doing all of the heavy lifting
  3. I am not accustomed to flattering words about my (his or her) physical appearance and have a hard time thinking that the commentor is sincere

Hannah is told she is beautiful. HE is not told he is handsome. And that’s just fine. He doesn’t care how he looks. I do care about about Hannah’s appearance.

Now, to be clear this is not me feeling sorry for myself. I look at my male physical appearance as just kinda… it is what it is. Hannah will agonize over SOMETHING but HE just sort of rolls with it.

And my wife thinks I am handsome and really, what else does HE need?

I think Hannah is pretty. And if that sounds stuck up then… okay. I like how she looks. It’s okay to like how you look. But I am not vain enough to think that other people think she is attractive. I mean, I get emails that tell me she is but the three reasons I listed above trigger my skepticism.

I don’t think people react to Hannah based on how whether or not they think she is attractive. I think it’s common for a dude to be nicer to a pretty girl but I think the main influencer of how people interact with Hannah is overwhelmingly based on her trans-ness.

If a dude is nice to her I don’t think it’s necessarily the same niceness that he would offer to a pretty cis-girl. That’s not to say he’s not being sincere, mind you. I think if a dude is nice to Hannah it’s because he is being nice to a transgirl and wants her to know that he is an ally (or at least he doesn’t hate girls like us).

My trans-ness supersedes everything else.

And that’s okay! I know I’m trans and I expect others to know this as well. My thought is that I would rather have someone be kind to me knowing that I am trans as opposed to them being kind to me because they think I am cis.

We need that kind of niceness.

I suppose what I am saying is that even in my femme identity I still don’t know what it’s like to be an attractive person.

What I mean is attractive to the point where others are… mesmerized by how someone looks.

For example, I had a co-worker who was lazy and rude. BUT if he was interacting with an attractive girl, all of a sudden he was incredibly polite and kind.

That’s what I mean by someone’s physical beauty having an effect on others. Of course, this doesn’t make him any less of a jerk. In fact, it probably makes him more of one as he is deciding how he treats someone based on whether or not he thinks they are attractive.

Wait, what is this all about…? Oh, yes, dominatrixes.

I don’t remember when I learned that a dominatrix was a career path choice. I was stunned at someone paying someone else to humiliate them or hurt them. I was never into being shamed or having pain inflicted on me as a turn-on but like most kinks, you do you. Unless it hurts someone. Well, unless it hurts someone without their consent.

I’ve never visited a dominatrix so I can’t talk with much authority when it comes to what a typical domme is like. If some of my Twitter followers are any indication, dominatrixes are incredibly stunning and beautiful women. A dominatrix on a television show or a movie also fits this description.

This context led me to misunderstanding where the power and influence a dominatrix comes from. My naïve thinking was along the lines of Men Do Things For Beautiful Women In Leather.

I mean, I think that’s true to an extent but after I think about that I realize that’s quite an over simplification. I think it’s fair to say that a lot of men are willing to do things for a pretty girl and I think it’s fair to say that a pretty girl in leather can be… persuasive to many men.

This oversimplification is more or less thinking that a dominatrix is using her physical appearance, her beauty to her advantage. But the true power, the true influence of a dominatrix is not how she looks or from her five inch stilettos or latex corset or her holding a studded leash. Her ability to get a man to obey her is deeply rooted in her ability to intimidate him, and in her confidence.

Her words.

It was short-sighted of me to ever think that the power of a dominatrix came from her beauty alone. All women, whether you are a dominatrix or bank teller or a soccer mom are beautiful. While it’s true a dominatrix is usually portrayed as a tall, slim, white girl, a dominatrix, like all women, can be any size and shape and race and gender.

I have no idea where the idea for this post came from, if I am being honest. I suppose it is stemmed from realizing that beauty and influence are more than just a prevailing physical stereotype.

For what it’s worth my wife can persuade me with almost anything with a smile or a simple phrase. She doesn’t even need a riding crop.

Love, Hannah

Window Shopping

by Hannah

Sometimes it feels like I spent half of my childhood in a mall.

I have three siblings and there was always a reason to go to the mall whether it was because someone needed new clothes for school or because it was free entertainment for us. We usually didn’t have “fun money” but my brother and sisters just liked wandering around the different stores.

When I was in my teens I also spent time at the mall because that was The Thing To Do.

Visits to the women’s section in department stories with my mom was pretty common since I had two sisters. I never really minded because I would admire the clothes and was enchanted by the amazing and beautiful lingerie on mannequins. It was such a different world compared to my own reality. Why DID underwear have to be cotton and white? Why not pink or mesh or lacey? Why did my clothes have to be so boring?

In high school my friends and I would go to the mall and during prom season the girls would shop for dresses. I loved loved loved this but at the same time it was excruciating to see all these stunning gowns. My imagination and daydreams would run wild and it was during these outings I would understand what it meant to have pangs.

According to Dictionary.com this words is defined as:

a sudden feeling of mental or emotional distress or longing: a pang of remorse; a pang of desire.

a sudden, brief, sharp pain or physical sensation; spasm: hunger pangs.

As much as I loved gazing at these dresses of sequins and high slits and plunging necklines and sparkles part of me didn’t want to go to these sections. Seeing these dresses would often depress me. It’s like seeing someone’s vacation photos of a place that you’ll never visit.

When I was younger my imagination also ran wild but in a different way. The mall we visited the most growing up had everything from a bowling alley to a pet store to beauty supply shops. My mom was a hairdresser for years so it wasn’t uncommon for us to tag along with her when she needed to pick up hair dye, curlers, and anything else she needed.

As we went from store to store I would daydream about what it would be like to be locked in the mall overnight. I don’t think imagining this is that unusual, but my imagination played things out differently than most kids my age.

“I would roller skate through the mall if I was locked in there overnight!”

“I would stay up all night playing video games!”

My daydreams were about dressing up. I mean, that hasn’t changed over the last four decades.

Listen. This all sounds very silly but I don’t keep much from you girls. I would imagine being alone, being able to do what I wanted, to look at the dresses in all the stores without glancing over my shoulder. I would go to the beauty supply shop and pick out a wig. I would go to the cosmetic counter and learn makeup. I would select beautiful lingerie, the pinkest dress, the most gorgeous high heels…

Growing up with two sisters allowed opportunities to “borrow” a dress when no one was home. But the mall had a zillion dresses. The mall had a shoe store with aisles and aisles of heels.

A kid in a candy store is nothing compared to a crossdresser in a mall.

These fantasies don’t seem that long ago. They resonate with me because of how often I had these thoughts growing up. These yearnings, these longings were powerful.

This side of me has been with me all of my life. Looking back over the years I imagined I would eventually get this out of my system or outgrow these desires.

Well, no. I suppose a more accurate perspective is that I thought I could deny and repress and ignore who I was. But I couldn’t.

I daydreamed and I window shopped constantly. I still do.

Love, Hannah

Life is What You Make of it

by Hannah

“Life is what you make of it, so beautiful or so what”

-Paul Simon

My wife said I was pretty good at judging people.

She didn’t mean being judgmental (although I can be pretty bitchy), she was referring to having a good read on someone and what kind of person they are.

I thought about this and I disagreed. I think I’m terrible at this.

Then I thought about it a little longer and I realized that she was right BUT I tend to ignore my instincts with a lot of people. I try to ignore certain attributes of someone to make them “fit” into my desired perception of them.

For example, if I WANT to like someone I can easily ignore aspects of them that might be, well, awful.

I mean, everyone has good and, well, areas of improvement parts of themselves.

I had a boss a few years ago who was, well, he was an asshole. He was sexist, racist, and mean. He was petty, he was a bully, and he just… delighted in making people feel bad.

Everyone hated him. And for very good reason.

But he always had my back. I was a strong member of the team and caused very little problems. He mostly left me alone.

And I was appreciative of this. He made the workplace a living hell for every single of my colleagues. The job was stressful enough and he didn’t help. He made a difficult job even worse and he did this for the sheer hell of it. Like I said, he loved doing this and he did this intentionally.

I suppose he was a very insecure man and it made him feel better to belittle others. If you want to see someone’s true character, give them power, after all.

Because he looked out for me, I looked past his horrible, likely illegal behavior.

It was wrong to do this. I did this because I needed the job and I didn’t want to rock the boat.

I like to think that I wouldn’t tolerate this type of working condition today. But as I said, I tend to overlook bad qualities of someone if I want to.

And yes! This absolutely makes me a hypocrite.

I do the opposite of this, too. I, well, vilify some people. I despise some people for a reason and it’s probably not for a good reason, sometimes it’s just me being petty. I have a hard time seeing the good in someone if I made the decision (often an arbitrary decision) that I don’t like them.

Sometimes this is mostly harmless. If I decide I don’t like a musician but I hear a song of theirs that is actually good, I have a hard time admitting that a band that I despise has a decent song.

But I do this with people. Like, people I know.

I’ve written recently about my boss and how much I don’t like him at the moment. Things have calmed down a LITTLE but it’s like playing that game Perfection. I am doing the professional equivalent of putting little plastic shapes where they belong knowing full well that the timer will be up and things will quickly and without warning go to hell. I just know that my boss will fly off the handle at any moment and just waiting for it to happen.

Not to get tooooo introspective but that’s a similar feeling to having an abusive parent. I never knew what would set my dad off. It was very tense growing up.

Since things have calmed down a BIT my… anger has subsided a little. I don’t feel as combative as I did a couple of weeks ago when I saw him as a villain, as an opponent, as someone I was fighting with and constantly arguing with.

It was, and it will be, horrible again.

Like the job I mentioned earlier, my current job is stressful and thankless. Having a boss that picks a fight over the stupidest things doesn’t help.

Over the last two months I’ve lived in the mindset of BOSS=VILLAIN. He has become, justifiably or not, the bane of my existence. It feels like a long time ago when we were friends. We used to get along very well and could talk about music and other things we both had in common.

If I am being honest I think that’s causing the most… sadness, in a way. I miss my friend. If he called me I never knew if he was calling to talk about work or about his newest addition to his vintage record collection. These days every call, every email is angry.

I don’t have a lot of friends in my male life. With my boss I had a friend and a mentor but today I feel like I have an enemy.

I am having a hard time thinking that my friend is, well, still in there somewhere. I’ve decided, again, justifiably or not, he is my enemy.

Because of this I have developed an impulse to just… fight back. If he sends an email asking about something it comes off as accusatory. Soft skills are not his forte… he either lacks them or chooses to not use them. When an email like that comes in I immediately feel my blood boil and write an equally emotionally charged email.

Of course, I don’t send it. I rewrite it, I soften in, and send a water-down response. He is still my boss after all and I do want to keep my job.

Last week I was having a very frustrating couple of days. Some of it work related, some of it financial, some were car related…. it sucked. Everything was going to hell. I mean, everything is fine and I am just being dramatic but it was hard to be positive at the time.

I was, in a way, bristling for a fight. I was frustrated and pissy.

And then my boss called.

And I knew why he was calling. Something happened that everyone knew was going to happen, something happened that was outside of my control.

My boss can laser focus on THINGS. A word, a shift in tone, a slight change in someone’s behavior. He tends to pick it apart and ask why someone chose that particular phrase and starts to speculate on it.

Right away he picked up on my frustration. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and this forthrightness is often my undoing.

I try not to get personal with him. I used to… but as I said things have shifted from friends to enemies.

“It’s been a horrible fourteen hours” I said.

“Personal or work related?”

“Isn’t everything work related?” I responded.

And I said this because I wanted him to know that the THING that happened was weighing on me and, well, hopefully not take out his wrath on me to the level he was likely going to.

But he surprised me.

Not if you don’t let it he said.

That froze me.

This came from someone who sends emails on Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights. This is someone who doesn’t seem to separate work from everything else. Nothing is more important in life. Life IS work.

It impacted me to my core because for the first time in months he was a mentor. My friend could be seen between the cracks once again.

He said something that was different than the usual accusatory “you fucked up” finger-pointing that has become the dominant back and forth conversation over the last several months.

AND it was something I needed to hear, I suppose. Work has been frustrating lately and not solely because of him. I LIKE my job, I’m good at it. When things are going well it impacts the rest of my life.

After his words sunk in I told him the obvious…. that he was right.

It’s about your priorities, he said. Things will be what they will be.

He then shifted into the reason for the call which was to update me on something and then asked me to take on a short project.

And that was that.

I thought about this call all day. It was like… goddammit. He’s right.

My point to all of this is that sometimes my enemies, sometimes the people that I don’t like, occasionally have a point. Sometimes I agree with SOMETHING they say.

I have a hard time admitting that someone I like has bad qualities. And I have a hard time admitting that someone I don’t care for might have a perspective that I agree with.

I have to admit it’s easier when someone more or less shows their hand and reveals what kind of person they are. I do live (or try to) by the Maya Angelou quote “when people show you who they are, believe them”.

If I look at my boss’ actions and words that have been predominant over the last several months and remember a lot of the things he’s said in the almost four years of working for him I think there is enough precedent to chalk him up as another angry, irrational person. But…

He probably isn’t.

He loves the Beatles, cried at his daughter’s eighth grade graduation, goes to every baseball game his sons play in. He is, well, human.

No good qualities make up or justify a person’s bad behavior. I know this.

I had a birthday a few weeks ago and thoughts of what is essentially the last half of my life have been ringing loudly in my head. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to spend the next few years and, if I am fortunate enough, the next few decades.

I am tired of fighting. The idea of forgiveness is on my mind a lot. I want more clean slates, more square ones. And! In case you forgot this was a blog that focuses on feminine presentation this letting go has extended to moving on from my grievance towards Victoria’s Secret, lol.

This past year had a lot of significant moments and I worked very hard on some very big things. I had opportunities and dreams come true that I never thought possible, in both sides of my life. I’m exhausted and satisfied. In some ways I have accomplished everything I’ve wanted to do in male life. I tend to be restless but when it comes to HIS life, well, he’s crossed everything off on his bucket list (God, I HATE that term).

There are still many things she wants to do. Some of them are superficial and some are more altruistic. Now that this year is winding down and much of 2022 was about HIM in many ways, I am looking forward to HER doing new things, having new adventures.

I’ve acknowledged that there’s a part of me that feels a need to rebel, in a way. To go against an authority figure. This is not to say I am out picking fights with cops or anything, but when we’re in our teens many of us question authority and ignore the status quo. These things can be good and really any changes that happen in our world are attributed to these actions.

I think there’s a part of me that NEEDS an enemy, if you will. Someone I can direct my ire and frustration at. A scapegoat, in a way. This isn’t healthy. If I am feeling frustrated with my job I tend to channel that energy towards my boss. I do this because my boss can be… well, who he is. It’s easier to vilify someone who acts the way he does. I suppose I look at his attributes as justification for my attitude towards him.

And maybe I am justified.

But my anger towards him doesn’t change anything. He’s not going to modify his behavior. Heck, he doesn’t even KNOW how angry and annoyed I am towards him.

I mean, I am not going to TELL him. He’s not the type of person that will be receptive to that kind of feedback. He’s more of a “if you don’t like working for me, then quit” type of person.

If I am being honest I daydream about quitting. I know that if I were to leave it would cause a lot of problems for him and he would have a lot of tasks that I currently do to either do himself or delegate to. Quitting a job that for the most part I like for, well, revenge(?) is, well, an interesting choice.

I think one of the best things we can do as individuals is to reflect on ourselves and our behaviors. Maybe how we feel and how we look at things isn’t really fair or objective. Maybe I am not the hero and maybe others aren’t the villains I think I am or they are. Maybe I am the villain in someone else’s life.

My life/lives are… amazing. Ten years ago I would have thought the life/lives I have were unattainable and that I would be forever grateful to have them. The things I wanted a decade ago are the things I have now. I want to acknowledge that. I want to appreciate that.

I want peace. I want to be better at what I take to heart when it comes to what is said to me. I want to stop absorbing negativity and really embrace the song lyric at the beginning of this post.

It’s a new day. It will soon be a new year. Both are perfect opportunities to be better, to be happier.

Love, Hannah