Glamorous Corset Review: Dita Corset Update!

About two weeks ago I was sent a Dita Black Satin Corset from Glamorous Corset.  I fell in love hard with it within the first few minutes of wearing it.   I learned more about wearing a corset in an hour than I thought possible.

backThe main reason is that this is a proper, authentic corset.  It has steel boning (which prevents the corset from wrinkling and allows the corset to retain its shape and therefor helps you keep YOUR shape) as well as a generous amount of spiral steel boning which are the metal rings in the back for lacing your corset.  With so many spirals I am able to customize my corset where I want it to be tighter.  On big reason that I love this corset is because of how long it is.  I can make it tighter on top without the whole corset being too restrictive.  I can tighten the middle to cinch my waist even more without it constricting my torso.

CaptureThe corset has a steel busk in the front of it which is what the hook and eye are attached to.  This is the part of the corset that needs to work the hardest.  I have had corsets in the past where the fabric tore at this part but this feels very strong.  The hooks line up perfectly and fit very securely into the eyes.  The alignment is solid.

 

Over the first week I seasoned my corset.  Seasoning is when you wear the corset for a week or so for about an hour at a time to allow it to conform to your body.  The first time I put mine on and fastened it, I expected this process to be the other way around.  I thought it would be my body getting used to the corset.  The first time wearing it I counted down the minutes until the hour was up.  It was tight, it was wonderful.  But I was getting used to it.

Over the next few days, I was able to wear the corset without the same feeling of tightness that I had the first day.  I didn’t loosen the binding at all and I could feel both my body and my corset adjusting to each other.  After a few days I didn’t really notice it all except that my posture was amazing.

Before the first week was over, I surprised myself by cinching the waist.  After the first day I couldn’t have imagined being able to wear it tighter than it was, but it was true, the corset was adjusting to me.  Of course, I was also learning how to wear it and getting used to it too, but I understood what was meant by the corset conforming to me.

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Another perk was how I walked.  I walked differently.  My hips moved a little more and I had a little more… swing than usual.  Wearing high heels forces you in a way to walk different, and a corset isn’t that much different.  But when I combined stilettos and my corset… girls, I STRUTTED.

It takes about 7-10 days for a corset to season, and although I am beyond that period of time, I still wear mine for anywhere between two to three hours at a time, something I once thought would be impossble.  I think my corset has conformed to me, but I am building myself to being able to wear it for a whole day.  My “progress”, if you will, is going better and faster than I expected.

One of the intentions of a corset is to help create a curvier figure.  This corset gives me more of an hourglass figure and a smaller waist.  When I wear my breast forms and thigh pads it’s hard to believe that this is my body.  This corset was the missing piece for a more shapely figure.

A corset can be intimidating and requires patience and dedication.  In my experience this commitment has paid off tremendously.  If you are looking for a beautiful corset that is not only sexy but versatile, consider adding this to your wardrobe.

Glamorous Corset has also provided us with a discount on all their corsets if you want to add one to your wardrobe.  At check-out, use discount code HANNAH15 for 15% off all corsets.

Thank you to Glamorous Corset for this beautiful corset.

Love, Hannah

 

 

 

 

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HommeMystere Review: Lingerie

I used to think that there was nothing practical about lingerie.  It was something beautiful to wear to help you feel beautiful.

Now I realize that even if lingerie’s only purpose was to help you feel a certain way, wasn’t that just as, or even more important than it’s functionality?

Bras are pretty essential on different levels.  It’s the first thing I put on when I dress as I step into one gender presentation from another.  I believe a bra is the most feminine thing you can wear.  But more often than not I select which bra I will wear based on what I need the bra to do.  If I am wearing a white dress, I wear a light colored bra.  If my dress is cut a certain way, I go strapless.

See?  Beauty and versatility.

Panties are no different.  If I am wearing a bra, then I choose the matching panty because every bra I own has a matching panty (I’m a little OCD that way).  But I also take into consideration the kind of day I am going to have.  A tough day requires beautiful panties, a boring day needs something a little more… exotic.  The white lacy panties with a candy cane pattern only come out during December.

Panties are fun, cute, and like any piece of lingerie, makes me feel a certain way.  I wear what I wear often because of what I am feeling, or what I want to feel that day.

As I discovered different lingerie options over the course of my life, I became fascinated at the sheer (and sometimes not sheer) number of options there were.  Babydolls, teddies, bodysuits, basques, merry widows, corsets, garter belts… the list goes on.  My own lingerie wardrobe grew over time and I loved how there was something I could wear for any mood.  There are different degrees of versatility when it comes to lingerie.  I think a corset is one of the sexiest things to ear, but they are also functional in terms of cinching your waist and holding up your stockings.

But I think the most important thing lingerie does is invoke a feeling.  To make you feel beautiful.  Lingerie is something you wear for yourself.  Like panties, what I wear often depends on what I want to feel.  There is nothing like finishing a long, hard day and slipping into something that makes me feel beautiful.

Lingerie is usually cut and designed for body types with certain anatomical features in mind.  I see beautiful options that simply don’t work for someone with a flat chest for example.  This can limit what I wear.  I mean, I can wear it, but if it doesn’t look right than I have a hard time feeling pretty in it.

‘Lingerie for men’ is a term that many in our community are divided over.  I completely get it.  Lingerie designed for men misses the point, there are many options ‘for girls’ I can wear… Again, I see that point and agree in many cases.  However, I do think that is worth looking into designers that make lingerie for someone with my body type in mind.  For one reason, it’s being designed for someone with the physical features that I have.  Or don’t have.  I don’t want lingerie that shows off my cleavage if I don’t have any, for example.

The main reason I like looking at lingerie for men is that more often than not it is incredibly beautiful.  I like feminine lingerie.  I love a teddy or a bodysuit with a floral pattern.  I love a nightie with lace around the edges.  I love finding beautiful lingerie that I know will fit my body.  I don’t want to spend $50 on something that I can’t wear.

There are many options for someone like me these days.  I can name a dozen different websites to buy beautiful bras and panties for someone with the body that I have.  I was sent lingerie from HommeMystere recently and I reviewed their bras and panties previously.  For my third and final review (for now, anyway), I am delighted to share my thoughts about two pieces of their lingerie.

1The first piece I wore was their Natasha Mini Dress with matching panty.  Lingerie can be amazingly practical but if it isn’t cute, then I will not even bother trying it on.  This is not a dress (well, I suppose anything could be a dress) but it is a beautiful nightie.  A criticism I have with a lot of lingerie designed for men is that it is simply too short.  However, this reaches my hips but it is close to being too short.  Some of us may think that this shortness is a feature 😉 but having a matching panty does help pull the look together.  I love the fabric but since it is made from satin there is not a lot of stretch to it.  Ordering your correct size is important but minimal stretch will help keep its shape.  It has lacy features and a full back and is super comfortable to sleep in.  The V neck is similar to a lot of ‘girl lingerie’ in a way meant to tease a little cleavage but having none the effect is a little lost.  However, the lacy details won me over.

2The second piece is the best babydoll I have ever owned.  I love, love, love the Anneve Babydoll and matching panty.  This is an amazing soft, beautiful article of lingerie.  The mesh feels amazing against my skin.  I love little details and this babydoll has lacy edging along the edges and a beautiful floral pattern on the cups as well.  A delicate pink bow completes the look.  The babydoll falls just below my hips which is almost too short for my tastes but the cute little frilly skirt offsets the shortness of it.  I actually like how short this is because the matching panty has detachable garters you can show off.  This babydoll has more stretch than the Natasha Mini Dress, but your size should be based on your bra size.  The photo (which is not me, by the way) does not do this beautiful lingerie justice.  It’s a lovely babydoll and I love how I feel when I wear it.

Which is exactly why one should wear lingerie.

Thank you to HommeMystere for providing this beautiful lingerie.

Love, Hannah

Glamorous Corset Review: Dita Corset

After years of dressing, I started to add enhancements into my wardrobe a couple of years ago.  I was surprised by how much I loved what breast forms and thigh pads did for my figure.  I was also surprised by how much difference they made to my appearance.

Thigh pads gave me more curves and I loved how I looked in dresses and skirts with them.  Breast forms helped me look and feel more natural.  I could see potential for an hourglass figure and I wanted to find something for my waist.

I own a corset (that I spent a lot of money on) but I rarely wear it.  Corsets are peak lingerie, in my opinion.  Incredibly sexy with a wide array of options.  You can attach garters if  you want (and why wouldn’t you?), there are underbust and overbust options as well as a variety of material with everything from PVC to satin.  The intricate lacing and tying in the back is simply alluring.  A true corset has steel boning which cinches your waist and slims your figure.  It’s easy to confuse a corset with a basque.

I rarely wear the I own because despite spending a lot on it, it’s rather cheap.  The metal strips that are sewn into it are more bendy than they should be and do not keep its shape (and therefor did not help with keeping the shape I wanted) as well as it should.  They also poked through the fabric and then poked me which was not comfortable.  It felt bulky and did not move with me as well as I would have liked.

I knew corsets were meant to be functional as well as sexy, but this experience made me think that perhaps they were not as functional as I hoped.  Luckily I was mistaken.  I was sent a Dita Black Satin Corset from Glamorous Corset last week and within minutes of opening the package I knew that everything I thought I knew about corsets was wrong.

CaptureThe corset arrived in a black velvet bag and I immediately knew that any corset experience I had before was nothing compared to what was ahead of me.  This was the real deal.  The corset had some weight to it and I could feel the steel boning in the fabric.  The corset felt thick and shimmery and I didn’t think the steel boning would be able to poke through the fabric.  The steel fasteners in the front felt strong and the hooks fit comfortably and snug.  It also has six loops to attach garters.  Six!

backThe back of the corset was even more impressive.  It was already laced and the cords felt strong without being too thick.  The eyelets were not too close to the edge of the panels so I wasn’t worried about them being ripped out.  These details stood out to me because of my past experiences with corsets and what I liked and did not like with previous ones.  The cords were long which meant that not only could I tie a really sexy bow in the back, they were also long enough for me to adjust the corset as I needed.  This would be something I would own and wear for a long time.

The next thing that I looked through was the guide that the corset included.  The guide included instructions for lacing and tying the corset of course, but also how to get used to wearing it.  There is a practice called seasoning where you wear the corset for 45 minutes to an hour each day for about ten days.  This allows the corset to adapt it’s shape to your body and also helps you get used to wearing it.  You will know you are wearing a true corset the first few times you put it on.  It has an impact on your posture as well as on how you move.  It is recommend you season your corset before you wear it to an event and  I couldn’t agree more.

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I loosened the laces of my new corset and after putting it on I tightened the back of it.  The cords were long so with a few minutes of practice I was able to tie it.  With an authentic corset you may be able to go tighter but that is something you slowly work your way up to.  After my corset was laced and tied, I felt taller than before.  I stood straighter and my posture was amazing.  It was not so tight that I could not move easily, but I definitely knew I was wearing it.  I liked that it was a underbust corset which allows me to wear a bra with forms.

As recommended, I wore the corset for an hour that first day.  I got used to the corset (and the corset got used to me) as I moved normally and naturally.  It never felt tight or uncomfortable but I did notice I was wearing it.  I tightened the corset to trim my waist and I could see a more shapely figure under my shirt and jeans.  I also felt… sexy.  Wearing lingerie is a fun little secret and we all know the joy of wearing something cute under our clothes but this was a different level altogether.  I used to think lingerie was nothing but sexy but we all have experienced wearing something cute but uncomfortable.  Lingerie can be beautiful and practical and this corset is the pinnacle of that.

I was worried about putting it on the next day as the seasoning progressed.  The day before I tightened it after I put it on, but this time it was already tied and I would simply hook the latches on the front of it.  I am happy to say that it fit like a dream and it was easy to fasten.  I was surprised by how much more comfortable the corset was the second day.  It was still tight and cinched my waist but it wasn’t nearly as noticeable as it was the first day.  I stood and sat straight up and I couldn’t slouch if I wanted to.  Again, I stayed home and went about my time and I was able to move even more naturally than I did the day before.

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I am excited to continue to season my corset and wear it to an event or an outing.  I am really happy to have something that I feel completes my quest for a more shapely hourglass appearance.  I will post more reviews and updates over the next week or so and let you know how the seasoning goes.  So far my first impressions are nothing but positive.  A corset is a commitment, it is something you invest your time and money into and I can see this investment paying off.

Glamorous Corset has also provided us with a discount on all their corsets if you want to add one to your wardrobe.  At check-out, use discount code HANNAH15 for 15% off all corsets.

Thank you to Glamorous Corset for this beautiful corset.  I’m glad to find out that everything I thought a corset was supposed to be was wrong.

Love, Hannah

HommeMystere Review: Perfect Panties

Panties are how I stay in touch with my femme side in male mode.  And in girl mode.  And all the time.  When I started to purchase my own clothes, panties were the first thing I bought.  I would go shopping, then purge, and then build my wardrobe once more.  I would always start with panties.  Like bras, I have always been drawn to the sheer variety and options.  Push up, halter, racerback, strapless…you can find a bra for any occasion or mood.  Panties are even more so.  Thong, tanga, boyshort, bikini, hipsters, g-strings, seamless, french cut…and let’s not forget the fabric.  Silk, satin, cotton, leather, mesh…

And the adornments.  Nothing wins me over like a small bow or rose on the front of a pair of cute panties.  Lacey edging, mesh inserts….simply put, panties are cuter and more interesting than the boy equivalent to look at.  And wear.

The heartbreaking moment comes when you find a perfect pair only to have them not fit right.  Sizing is one thing, but perhaps the elastic in the waistband is not of high quality, or there’s not enough stretch, or the gusset is not quite wide enough and…well, we fall out.  You know what I mean.

Crossdressing is very much hit or miss.  It’s learning by doing.  You learn which stores sell panties in your size.  Not every cut or style is right for every body’s anatomy.  Like most clothes, you get what you pay for in terms of quality.

It’s a little easier to eyeball a cute pair of undies in the store to see if the will ft you.  Of course, this can be a little awkward if there are other shoppers in the vicinity.  Shopping online is easier but that is not without risks either.

My clothes for the day, in either gender, determine what lingerie I will wear.  My strapless bra was necessarily for these photos because of the mesh and the cut of the dress itself.  I did not want shoulder straps showing.  Straps would look a little silly next to the seams in the dress in the top picture.Mesh Dress 427

Panties are the same thing.  I don’t think I am alone when it comes to choosing what I will wear based on the day ahead.  If I am wearing a tight dress, I’ll wear a thong.  If I have a day full of difficult meetings, I’ll pick out something cute and pink to wear under my male clothes.

TMI..?

At any rate, that’s the joy.  I have tons of panties for any mood, outfit, or occasion.  But I am always looking for more.

“Panties for men” is one of the most common search terms people use to find my website.  I think this is used for two reasons.  First, finding a designer that makes lingerie for men makes it a little easier for someone to get started on building their wardrobe.  If someone is nervous dipping their toe in this world, it’s easier when there is a company out there that makes lingerie for men.  They’re not girl panties, they are panties made for men.  They are made for me. 

Secondly, as most of us know, not all clothes are made for every body.  Searching for panties for men is an effort to find cute undies that fit a certain body type or can accommodate certain anatomical… characteristics.  Lingerie is no exception.

I tend to be skeptical when it comes to ‘lingerie for men’.  For the most part, I think lingerie for men misses the point.  I don’t want panties that are designed for men.  These tend to be no different than boring boy undies but with the addition of a little lace around the waistband, but if you remove the lace they are just briefs.

Some panties for men are cut differently.  Most are.  Sometimes the leg holes are a little bigger but this can make the panties a little looser and baggier.  Yeah, not too sexy.  Sometimes the front has a little more fabric for, well, you know.

So, what do I look for in a panty?  They have to be cute.  There needs to be a variety of color, fabric, and style.  I love a cute pattern, I love a cute bow on the back.  Of course they must fit.  Always.  They need to move with me.  You know what I mean.  I want a panty that is comfortable.  It should have a little stretch but not so much that they feel loose.  I want a panty with a nice, smooth front.

So, basically a panty that needs to be designed by NASA.  In a fabulous way.

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I am thrilled to say that HommeMystere has nailed it.  When I opened my package from them I was immediately impressed with, well, to be honest, how cute the panties were.  The four pairs they sent were all different from each other so there was a lot of variety in style, color, and fabric.

CaptureMy favorite pair is easily the Anneve Panty.  I love the mesh side panels with the delicate pink flower pattern.   But the standout is the four garters (which are removable).  The garters have metal hooks and do not easily become loose.  I never had to worry about my stockings pulling the garters off the panty itself.  The garters hold stockings up really nicely and did not unfasten on their own.  The back has a seam up the middle to create a flattering shape as well.

 

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I also loved the Violet Panty which also has a matching bra.  I love a panty with different fabrics and this pair has a lovely purple fabric with black lace.  The lace is adorned with a subtle, silver highlight that catches the light in a playful way.  A cute black bow finishes the look.

 

 

 

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The Krystal Panty  also has a matching bra, and is made out of a really sexy, sheer fabric.  Mesh can be itchy at times but I found this pair to be comfortable and wore it all day.  It has a lacy edge at the front and a really cute floral pattern as well.

 

 

 

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Finally, there is the the Natasha Panty.  It is cut a little differently than the other panties here and is a little snugger than the others.  My favorite detail is the lacy edging around the leg openings in the back.  I love the fabric and the pattern, but the overlay of a second fabric on the sides of the front is just super cute and unique.  The satin bow on the front is the perfect cherry on top for these cute panties.

The panties fit well.  In every sense.  There is just enough stretch for everything to fit but the stretch is not limited to just the front of the panties.  It’s an all over stretch that feels comfortable and creates a very flattering and smooth look.

Finally, for those of us who have worn “panties for men” before, I can honestly say that these panties feel and fit like girls panties in every way.

I think you know what I mean. 😉

Thank you to HommeMystere for providing these perfect panties.

Love, Hannah

 

HommeMystere Review: Beautiful Bras

I think that many of us have a special relationship and fascination with clothes.  I can go through my closet and tell you where I purchased a specific dress or what occasion (or which mall, at least) I wore a pair of heels to.  We love what we wear for many reasons.  Sometimes we love what we love because of what it represents.  There a dresses I own that will never get rid of because I was finally able to wear them after losing weight.  They represent an accomplishment.  I still own the little black dress that I bought when I started to build my wardrobe (for real this time) after decades of purging.

Lingerie was my gateway drug, if you will, into a bigger world.  I would see mannequins in department stores modeling the most beautiful underwear I had ever seen.  Seeing a delicate bra with matching panties and stockings mesmerized me.  Lingerie wasn’t necessarily practical, it existed for the sheer purpose of being beautiful.

I own a lot of lingerie.  It’s a fun little secret to have on in male mode.  It can be as elaborate as a corset with stockings or as simple as a lacy bodysuit.  There’s always something to suit my mood.  As my lingerie wardrobe expanded, I started to realize that lingerie was more practical than I thought.

I have certain bras that I wear depending on my outfit.  A yellow dress and a black bra is not a good idea.  If the neckline of my dress is cut a certain way perhaps I need to wear a strapless bra.  If my dress is a little more form-fitting, then I skip the textured bra if I want a smoother look.  Some bras are better suited for my breast forms than others.

Most of my bras are of the push-up type (I need all the help I can get) but there are times I want to stay a little more connected to my femme side when I am in male mode.  Sometimes I wear a matching set and I want to be as discreet as possible.  After wearing HommeMystere‘s bras and panties all week, I am happy to say that I have found lingerie that accomplishes just that.

HommeMytstere generously sent over a beautiful selection of their bras, panties, and lingerie.  I’ll be breaking up my review into three shorter ones and I will follow up with panties and lingerie next week.  This review is all about bras.  🙂

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I wore their Violet Bra and Krystal Bra (pictured above) this week and my first impression was how beautiful they were.  I own a lot of bras including ones by other designers who make lingerie for men but they tend to be made out of one fabric and one solid color.  As you can see from the picture, the Krystal Bra is mesh with white lacy accents and a delicate floral pattern on the mesh itself.  A small white flower finishes this look.  The Violet Bra also features duo fabric with a subtle silver highlight on the black lace.

The Krystal Bra has two hooks and the Violet Bra has three in the back which helps the strap lay flat against your skin. The shoulder straps are also fully adjustable.  The attention to detail is exquisite and I am impressed with the quality with both of these bras.  In my experience, bras designed for men tend to be a little on the cheaper side but as I put them on I couldn’t help thinking that these felt as high quality as women’s bras.

The fit is good and I recommend using a measuring tape to find your correct measurement.  The band has enough stretch to be a little forgiving, though.

When I wear a bra (regardless of what gender I am presenting as) I will either forget I have it on or it feels uncomfortable.  Sometimes you have to wear the uncomfortable one depending on the outfit, you know?  I was always aware I was wearing these bras, though.  But this was not an uncomfortable feeling.  I like the small tugging around my chest, I like the reminder I am wearing one.  The straps stayed in place and moved with me.  I didn’t need to adjust them throughout the day.

The tugging reminded me I was wearing a bra, but so did looking in the mirror.  I wore these bras with a t-shirt and I could clearly see that I had… something on under my clothes.  The bra straps were noticeable and I could see the imprint of the bra against my shirt.  But that is to be expected.  Yes, they lay flat against my skin but they are not invisible.  If you wear a bra, more than likely people will notice.  However, a layered look will minimize the look almost completely.

These are easily the most comfortable bras I own, however they are not going to be my go-to when I dress up.  The cups on these bras are not designed to be practical and I would not wear these bras with breast forms.  The cups are simply not large enough and there isn’t a lot of stretch for them to fit.

But that is okay.  I have other bras for my forms.  As I said earlier, bras and lingerie are more practical and versatile than I originally thought.  I love that I have bras for strapless dresses, bras for white blouses, bras to match a cute pair of panties, and bras for my breast forms.  These two bras are perfect for male mode.

So far my experience with HommeMystere is nothing but positive.  They are dedicated to making lingerie for men, but to be honest, it doesn’t feel like lingerie for men.  It feels like authentic lingerie.  It feels like… girl lingerie and that is the highest compliment I can pay.

Thank you to HommeMystere for providing these beautiful bras.

Love, Hannah

 

 

 

 

HommeMystere

I had always been fascinated by lingerie.  Growing up I knew everyone had to wear underwear, but I was mesmerized by how beautiful it could be.  I was in love with the different styles, the different fabrics, and how… elaborate it could be.  Matching bras and panties?  Perhaps pairing it with a garter belt and stockings?  Lingerie was your secret.  What you wore was for you.

This fascination never went away.  When I first started buying my own clothes, panties were the first thing I purchased.  Underdressing helps me stay connected to the beautiful side of me when I am in male mode.

Wearing lingerie isn’t always easy, though.  It is very much designed for someone with different… ah, anatomy than I have.  Sometimes it fits like a dream, sometimes it’s tighter or looser on me than I would like.

There are companies that specifically design and make lingerie for people who have the body shape and body parts that I do.  Again, this can be very hit or miss.  Not only can the quality be inconsistent, but the fit just isn’t quite right.

If I am wearing panties designed for men, it just… misses the point, I think, in a way I can’t quite put my finger on.  I think it’s because some panties feel like they simply made men’s underwear and dyed in pink or sewed a tiny rose onto the front.  They don’t… feel like panties.  Take the rose off and they are simply pink briefs.  Sometimes there is a added… pouch, I guess, sewn into them to accommodate my “feminine flaw” that just looks awkward and too much like boy underwear.

Bras for men can be disappointing, too.  I know that they are not meant to be practical and I have nothing that needs support, but the bras just… look too flimsy and boring.  This is a personal opinion and not meant to be a slight on any company at all.  I am thankful that there are so many options these days for those of us looking for lingerie.   I have gorgeous lingerie from many companies that I love to wear that helps me feel beautiful.

That being said, I am always looking for new companies that understand how to make bras and panties (and everything else!) for people with bodies like mine.  Google ‘lingerie for men’ and you will be provided with an array of options that fifteen year old me would have never dreamed possible.  I wear panties from some of these designers, but I mostly wear “girl panties”.

HommeMystere

Until now.  I have been aware of HommeMystere for some time and I was always impressed by their selection and variety of panties and bras.  I have always wanted to add their lingerie into my wardrobe and thanks to their generosity, I have some new beautiful items to wear.

Over the next week or so I will be reviewing the items they sent.  Sorry, no photo shoot 😉 but I am excited to share with you my thoughts and impressions!

Love, Hannah

SEX

Now that I have your attention…

Accepting yourself and identifying as transgender is one of the most significant and life-changing moments you will ever experience.  This acceptance can lead to feeling anxious, feeling free, feeling burdened, feeling confused, or even just feeling relieved that we have touched on why we feel what we feel and figured out who we are.

This embracing of yourself will often lead to the question of what’s next.  Okay, you’re trans, this is more than just about wearing panties, what do you do now?  The short and bitchy answer is, well, anything you want.  You can go fishing if you so desire.  Being transgender is not like building a bookshelf from Ikea.  There is no clear step two.   There may not even be a step two.  You don’t even have to do anything next.  Well, you should have a conversation with your partner, of course.

But there usually is a next step.  We usually want to…well, keep going.  We learned and accepted something huge about our gender identity and it’s normal to keep going in that direction.  It’s not much different than being on an airplane and not getting off when it lands.  For some of us we want to try other clothes.  That dresser full of lingerie might be a start of a new wardrobe.  We own a dress…but maybe we should find a cute pair of heels to go with it.  Maybe the next step is seeking support from a group or a therapist or counselor.  Maybe it’s time to talk to a doctor or your family.  Maybe you are ready to schedule that makeover.

Or maybe you don’t do anything.  You don’t HAVE to do anything next.  You don’t have to do anything right away.  For some of us we lived with the conflict or uncertainty of who we were for decades.  It took a long time to get to the point where we accepted that we are transgender.  But making decisions too quickly and without thinking things through is a bad thing.  Beware the pink fog.

Acceptance of yourself is more important than passing.  Mainly because accepting yourself is real and passing is not.  If I waited to experience the real world until I “passed” I would still be sitting in my car in the garage.  When I think about everything I have experienced or done over the last few years it makes me so happy that I opened the door, strutted out and never looked back.  It makes me wonder what else I missed before I was convinced I needed to pass.  I never passed.  Still don’t.  Never will.

Once you accept yourself and start experiencing the world presenting as your preferred gender (and this can be your preferred gender for the day or for the rest of your life), you have grown more powerful than ever before, even if your knees are knocking and you shake in the heels that you practiced walking in for weeks.  You will interact with the world and the world will react to you.  This will result in varying outcomes, some wonderful, most of them mundane and unremarkable…but there will be some that will break your heart and some that will make you angry.  Some will make you want to go home and never leave again.  All of these things will happen.  Sometimes in the same afternoon.  Yes, someone will likely give you a dirty look but remember, this will never be okay.  Don’t let some jerk steal your sparkle.

Whether you are dressed from head to toe in wig and heels or in male mode with painted nails, when you are outside the traditional social gender norms you will experience the world in a new way.  And you will likely want more.  I know I did.  The first real time I went out during the day it was just to experience something as every day as getting a coffee.  But that went well and I wanted to do something more.  So I did.  A trip to Target, a couple of malls, more coffee shops…

Over the last few years I have done so many things I never thought I would be brave enough to attempt.  Whether it was a makeover or a trip to the mall to try on dresses or attending a Pride festival, I’ve experienced more than I ever thought possible.  There’s very little left that I can think of that I still want to do.  Some of these things I did because I simply wanted to see what it was like to shoe shopping en femme.  No surprise, but it was a lot more fun.

The point is that many of us want to experience things en femme.  This can range from everything from watching a movie at home dressed to the nines, doing laundry in leggings to wearing a negligee during sex.

So, let’s talk about sex and the t-girl.

This is a very intimate, serious, and sensitive subject.  There is nothing more personal than the sexual relationship between two people.  Obviously I am not going to share anything about my own experiences here or…ever.  Instead I want to talk more broadly about what many in our community and their partners have shared with me regarding their experiences.

I go back and forth as to whether or not I wear what I wear because I am transgender or I am transgender because I wear what I wear.  I think kind of a gateway to something new and something bigger.  Perhaps something fascinating and forbidden.  It was ingrained in us at early age that boys do not wear bras or nightgowns which only fuels the curiosity, intrigue, and longing.  Lingerie is a beautiful secret that you wear.  Going to the office wearing lacy panties and matching bra under your suit is really kind of amazing.  Its something you wear for yourself…or possibly for someone else.  Someone might wear sexy undies to bed because they like it, or they wear it because their partner likes it.

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that there are some who dressing up is nothing more than fetish and is completely sexual.  Simply put, dressing turns them on, they wear lingerie (or whatever) when they want to…ah, well, you know.  They dress up, they have sex, or masturbate and…that’s that.  Until the next time.  Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with this.  You do you, I guess.  But like anything sexual between two people, both have to be on board.

It is not unheard of that a t-girl wanting to wear lingerie in intimate moments.  Lingerie might help someone feel beautiful no matter what they are doing, during sex or simply under your clothes when you go grocery shopping.  Someone wearing a lacy nightie to bed is something they are doing for themselves, and possibly for their partner.  However, t-girls need to be aware that surprising their partner by doing something similar can be… well, it probably won’t go as planned, especially the first time.

This is one of those moments that both partners involved want to avoid.  Nothing derails a moment like an awkward (to say the least) surprise.  This is something that should be discussed before it happens, especially if going outside traditional gender norms regarding clothes is new to the relationship.  Don’t tell your wife you are a crossdresser on Friday and then greet her in the bedroom on Saturday wearing a corset and stockings. (Unless she asks, of course.)  Communication between a couple is important and it’s never more evident than when it comes to intimacy, fantasies, and what happens in bed.  Or the living room, if you are so inclined.

Many t-girls and crossdressers want to experience things as a different gender identity.  Sometimes it’s going shopping en femme and sometimes it’s being intimate en femme.  This is not uncommon.  However, your wife being okay with you wearing panties under your work clothes is not the same as her being okay with you wearing them in an intimate moment.  You should not assume she will be.

The best, and only way to know what your partner is comfortable with in the bedroom (or anywhere) is to ask.  Tell them what you want to try, what you want to wear.  If they are not comfortable with it, then drop it.  It may be hard to let go of a fantasy or a desire, but…drop it.  Move on.  Seriously.  If they change their mind they will let you know.  You don’t need to ask again.  Drop it.

If you partner is receptive to you dressing in bed, wonderful.  Their feelings are still something you need to be conscious of.  Maybe she wants to be the pretty one in bed sometimes.  Maybe leave the lingerie in your drawer once in a while.  She may feel intimidated by your matching bra, garter belt, panties and stockings when all she has on is a simple teddy.  She may not want to have sex with a woman.  She might want to have sex with her husband.  Again, beware of the pink fog.  Sometimes it clouds our judgment, sometimes we choose to let it cloud our judgement.  I think you know what I mean.

We know being in a relationship with someone like us is not easy.  This is part of that.  Be kind.  Be generous.  Be worth it.

Driving a car is different in heels, having sex in heels (among other things) is different too.  Some crossdressers and t-girls may, well, take on a different role.  Or different behaviors.  They may want different positions, accessories, different role-playing scenarios…  Some want to be called their female name.  Sometimes these changes are a turn on for our partner…sometimes it isn’t.  You and your wife watching a movie while you are dressed up is not the same thing as you being in bed en femme with her.  Don’t assume your partner is okay with “her” in your living room and the bedroom.  Again, communication.  Both verbal and non-verbal.  Pay attention.  If your partner is communicating something to you, don’t ignore it.  Don’t pretend that you aren’t picking up on it.  Communicate.  Before.  After.  During.

If gender is…well, flexible, then it stands that sexuality can be as well.  Some t-girls say they are straight in male mode but bisexual as a girl.  Some are attracted to men when they dress up, or at least that’s when they admit it.  Dressing en femme can bring about different feelings.  Different aspects or parts of our personality can appear when we are wearing certain clothes.  Some men feel confident in a certain suit, some feel a sense of hometown pride when their wear their team’s football jersey.  Some guys get a boost of confidence from a pair of expensive sneakers.  When I am dressed I feel different, too.  I don’t feel like sleeping with a man, but I feel more social, chattier, and braver.

There are those who feel the attention from men helps them feel more like a woman.  The attention validate them.  It’s flattering to some.  Some t-girls and crossdressers want to experience as many things as they can en femme and for some that includes having, or fantasizing about, sex with men.

To the partners out there, yes, I know this is a fear.  It’s hard enough finding out your beer drinking, Fantasy Football playing man likes to dress up, but the fear that they might want to be with another guy is a different level.  There is nothing more important than trust between two people, and many partners entered into committed relationships without the full disclosure of their partner’s gender identity.  It’s not uncommon to feel betrayed, deceived, or mislead.  There’s no excuse for lying.

Will your partner want to be with a man?  Maybe?  Sexual and romantic preference and gender identity have little in common, so while it’s understandable to worry that they will want to be with another male because they wear lingerie in bed, it’s not necessarily the same thing.  I do not believe it is inappropriate to ask your partner this question.  Your partner coming out as a crossdresser or transgender or as someone who likes to dress up every once in a while will trigger a lot of questions, feelings, and confusion.  You are trying to process this.  This is likely new territory for you.  Ask us anything you want.

I know its not easy.  I know it can be…shocking, off-putting, a mood killer, even heartbreaking and devastating to see your man in a corset and panties.  It’s a lot to take in.  This doesn’t mean you aren’t supportive of the LGBTQIA community.  You fight for equality and love your gay friends, but seeing your spouse in a garter belt is a little different.  You choose your partner for many different reasons.  You choose them because of their personality, sense of humor, interests, and probably because of their appearance.  You were, and hopefully still are, attracted to them.  Seeing someone you love in a dramatically different gender presentation, whether it is everything from wig to those cute bedroom heels or them wearing a simple nightgown takes some time.  It may take a few minutes or it may takes years or it may never happen.  And that’s okay.  Tell them how you feel.  You can be an ally and a fighter for the community even when you struggle with your emotions and thoughts regarding your partner’s gender identity.  Your feelings count too.  And you will have feelings about this.

You may feel that this isn’t the person you married.  We insist we are.  Many of us tell our partners that whether we are wearing lingerie or a suit that we are still the same person.  I don’t think this is necessarily true.  Coming out and accepting yourself changes someone.  We feel braver but at the same time we are feeling more vulnerable.  We just shared something that for decades was a secret.  This becomes an elephant in the room.  In the days, weeks, and months ahead this hangs over the pair of you.  It can create tension, stress, and unspoken thoughts.  Resentment, albeit temporary, is not unheard of.  It can consume both you and partner.  While you might be trying to not to think about it, we might be dying to talk about it.  We may want to ask for help with shopping or applying eyeliner.  We want our partners to go out with us.  We want to share this side of us with the most important person in our life.  We have been wanting to tell you since the day we met.  We have for years kept this side of us private and now we are ready to slam the pedal to the metal.

But we lived with the secret for years.  Our partners need time to catch up.  They cannot go as fast as we are ready to.  We feel we are the same person regardless of how we are dressed…because this is who we have been our entire lives.  But we have just revealed another side of us, the biggest side of us and it’s understandable that others in our lives might look at us in a different light, at least for a while.

Our partners are processing this.  And it’s not easy for us to be patient as they do that.  We are wondering what they are thinking and the reality is that they are thinking a million things.  Or they might be trying to not think about it.  They can’t always express just exactly what they are feeling or going through.  Your partner looks and thinks of you differently.  You have something about you that they never suspected.  They may have thought there was…something about you that they couldn’t quite put their finger on, but this probably wasn’t what they imagined.

I felt different when I came out to my wife, my mom, and my siblings.  I wasn’t the same person.  It was a feeling of…well, like there was a new reality.  They knew about me, they knew the half of me that was a secret that I kept every single day up until that point.  It was awkward, it was uncomfortable at times.  I gave them space and was honest with their questions.  We can do no less for our partners.

Think back to when you’ve come out to someone.  Life all of a sudden felt different, didn’t it?  You feel different.  You might feel a weight has been lifted or that you turned the world inside-out.  My point is that we might think we are the same person before and after we come out.  We might think we are the same person whether we are in jeans or a nightgown.  But we know we are not.

Finding a balance between more than one gender identity is not easy but it can be done.  We need to find that balance in our own lives, but we also need to make sure the balance works (as much as it can work) for our partners.  It might not.  I am not going to suggest that every marriage will be able to make it work.  In many relationships this is not what our partners signed up or what they expected.  If your partner does not want this in their relationship it does not make them a bad person.  This is a lot to ask of someone and it’s a reminder why it is important and necessary to come out to your partner before the relationship gets serious.

Finding a personal balance varies from person to person.  We might want to dress up three times a week, but that might be too much for your partner.  It’s not that different (but it’s also totally different) than you if you wanted to go out for beers with the guys after work several times a week.  Be considerate of your partner’s feelings.  Be there with them.  Be present.  Be worth it.

All the time.

In every room of the house.

Love, Hannah