Tag: Ask Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

When I was younger I would borrow my mom’s clothes and makeup . When I was older I bought my own clothes but always ended up purging but would soon buy more. I was wondering why I keep doing this. Am I afraid? I’m wondering if you had any insight on the matter.

This cycle is all too familiar for almost every person reading this website.

I won’t pretend to speak for you and I don’t want to be presumptuous. I can only offer my perspective based on my experiences and thoughts.

The simpler answer is first: We continue to purchase “girl clothes” because we love “girl clothes”. It’s not unlike going to our favorite restaurants every week or rereading a beloved book. There are a myriad of reasons why we love what we love and there’s (usually) nothing wrong with what we love. I can’t say why you love what you love. Perhaps panties turn you on, perhaps a nightgown feels, well, right. Perhaps a dress represents your (or perhaps one of your) gender identities.

But why do you purge? Why do any of us purge? Again, it’s likely a myriad of reasons. To your point, yes, it’s possible one of the reasons is that you are afraid. I’m not exactly sure what you are afraid of. Perhaps you are afraid of what all of this means. Some of us are afraid that the happiness, the peace, that certain clothes bring us may mean that we have a gender identity that we haven’t fully acknowledged or accepted. We might be afraid that we are in denial about who we are.

If we allow ourselves to accept (and hopefully eventually embrace) who we are, it might mean that we may make changes in our lives. I think oftentimes these changes seem overwhelming or consequential.

I think it’s important (and rewarding) to live an authentic life. To be true to yourself. Being true to yourself is different from person to person, especially when it comes to someone who is gender nonconforming. This might mean that transitioning is right for you, but it doesn’t always mean that. It’s not right for me. This, like almost anything, is something that only you (with perhaps with the help of a therapist) can determine.

Any life change will likely bring, well, changes. Ripples in the water, if you will. If we accept who we are, it might mean coming out to others. We may come out as a transgender woman, or as a crossdresser, or as nonbinary… we may not even know. We may even change how we identity over time.

Coming out to someone, as we all know, is risky. They may love us, they may hate us. It may not change anything, it may cause someone to never speak to us again. No one wants to be hated, none of us want our gender identity or our wardrobe to be the reason a family member or a lifelong friend ends a relationship. So yes, I think fear is one of the reasons we purge.

When I purged it was a combination of fear and guilt and denial. I was afraid of someone finding my panties. I was (and am) aware of the stigma that crossdressing has. I was aware that what I wore would be minimized as a fetish in the eyes of someone (not that there’s anything with a crossdressing fetish).

It took me a long time to stop denying who I am. I denied that this side of me was woven into me and wouldn’t ever leave. The ironic thing is that I never WANTED this side of me to disappear, but I was tired of living with the fear of being caught and the potential fallout from that. I always thought I could stop wearing what I wore and what I wanted to wear and I naively thought that if I didn’t own panties I would stop wearing them. I just wouldn’t buy any new panties… and we all know how THAT worked out.

Finally, guilt is a common reason we purge. We may feel guilty because boys are raised being told that pink is for girls and that boys don’t cry and that beauty is for girls and strength is for boys. Arbitrary and nonsensical gender roles and stereotypes that are useless. We may feel guilty because of religious reasons. We may feel guilty because we are keeping this hidden from our spouse. We feel guilty because our spouse found the panties we were hiding from her and we promised we would never wear girl clothes ever again… but we know how that usually turns out.

So, why do you purge? I don’t know but it might be one or all of these reasons. I hope you find peace with this side of yourself and accept that there’s nothing wrong with this beautiful part of your soul.

Love, Hannah

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Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I love your makeup! It looks so good, can you help me with some ideas?

Thank you! I love my makeup as well but I can’t take credit for it. Almost every time I’ve gone out in the last few years I’ve had my makeup done by Cajah Salon. I’m not bad at my own makeup but I’ll never, ever be as good as my makeup artist.

Every person has different skin and face shape and facial structure and makeup goals. Different products and different techniques work differently on different people. And! Your makeup process and products will likely change over time. I’m amazed at how often I am reminded about how much I don’t know about makeup. I leave it to the experts.

Many salons offer makeup services and many also offer makeup lessons. Yes, this might be out of your comfort zone but I would recommend looking into options like that and chatting with an artist. They should be able to suggest products and techniques that work for YOUR face and skin. Again, it may be out of your comfort zone but I think it will be worth it.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I volunteer at a food pantry that is an extension of a local LGBTQ+ nonprofit. I also help with other events such as the monthly community brunch, doing chores like setup, prep, clean up, etc. Odd as it may seem those asks are fun to me.

I decided to change from my standard jeans and tee shirt. I wore a simple white button up blouse, wide leg pin strip slacks, and flat booties. I knew I looked like a male in women’s clothes, but I thought they were age appropriate, stylish, and cute.

Not one person said anything positive; the subtle (and so subtle) message was that somehow as a straight male how dare I wear women’s clothes. I basically shut down and left very early. Once home I threw out all my women’s outerwear and shoes.

In your experience, was I wrong to expect acceptance?

Thank you for the important volunteering you do!

I don’t think it was wrong to expect acceptance. I do think acceptance can come in different forms, though. Acceptance isn’t always going to be obvious. It’s not always going to be as clear as someone approaching you and specifically telling you that they accept you.

I think one of the clearest signs of acceptance is small talk. Waiting for your coffee order and chit-chatting with another customer. Talking about an outfit with a salesclerk. Friendly conversation with the person next to you at a movie.

I love this. I am obviously transgender. I know this, and everyone in the world knows this. When someone converses with me, they are choosing to talk with a transgirl. They see that I am trans, and they choose to chat with me. They don’t need to tell me that they accept me, their choice to chat says that for them.

When we step out in “girl clothes” in boymode or when we are out en femme for the first few times, it’s normal to think that everyone is staring at as and judging us. Our paranoia is turned up to 11 and we are overthinking everything. The way someone looks at us, the way someone doesn’t look at us… we assume that every interaction, both verbal and nonverbal, is related to our appearance. It’s easy to misinterpret a look, especially when our paranoia and insecurity is at an all-time high.

Sometimes people just need a moment to, well, process what they are seeing. When I am out en femme, I am in full makeup, wearing a cute dress, and I am even taller than tall in my high heels. I am overdressed and loving it. When people turn the corner and see me, they might be taken aback. Not because they don’t accept me (they probably aren’t giving me a second thought) but they might do a doubletake because they were not expecting to see the tallest girl in the world at Target dressed like she is going to a wedding reception.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I also have realized that most people in the world are too busy in their own lives and thoughts and their work to think about anyone else.

People who are gender non-conforming are usually not very easy to understand. Understanding comes from people relating to one another. If I told my best friend that sometimes I feel like a girl, he would not be able to relate to that, and therefor understanding me, and relating to me, would be challenging. I doubt very much that he ever thinks about whether or not he feels like a boy.

I think it’s normal to assume that cisgender people in the queer community will automatically and without hesitation understand us. I think we can relate with one another to feeling different and feeling we had/have to hide something important about ourselves. My brother is gay and cisgender. He and I can relate when it comes to growing up and feeling different than other boys. He liked boys, I liked girl clothes. Not the same thing, but the feelings of keeping a secret are similar.

He can understand feeling different but he cannot understand why a man wants to wear panties. He can relate to feeling different but he cannot relate to wanting to wear lingerie.

Most people probably don’t think about clothes the way most GNC people do. My best friend, my siblings, my mom, my wife… probably never give their clothes a second thought when it comes to whether or not their outfit lines up with their gender identity. The thought process I have when I choose my clothes is not something most cisgender people can relate to.

If my brother and Hannah went to lunch, I doubt anyone would clock him. It’s not always easy to tell what someone’s sexual orientation is. But Hannah? Oh, it’s so easy. It’s pretty obvious.

GNC people also don’t have enough representation in the world. I could probably name 20 queer celebrities but I don’t know if I could name 20 GNC celebrities. I rarely see a boy in a skirt when I am anywhere. I rarely see a boy wearing nail polish. A boy wearing “girl clothes” is likely going to be noticed. Not because people are disapproving of him, but possibly it’s because it’s not a common thing to see. If you are cisgender, regardless of your sexual orientation, you might take a second look, it might take a moment to process what you are seeing.

I do this. Even as someone who is GNC I might glance at a boy wearing a skirt longer than what is normal. This glance might be interpreted as disapproval but it’s not. Rather I might be admiring the skirt, admiring his courage, and perhaps even feeling a little jealous that he is brave and secure and confident enough to wear a skirt in boymode.

I suppose my point is that a GNC is likely to going to be stared at. And it’s not always a disapproving stare. Even the most accepting people in the world might take a little longer to process what you’re wearing. Our society has engrained into us a binary system when it comes to gender. It takes a moment or two for our brains to process gender expression and gender presentation when it is outside of what we have been taught.

I’m sorry you had an experience that was different from what you expected. I feel that if you returned rocking the same cute outfit you might have a different experience. The more often anyone sees a GNC person, the more likely it is they will become used to a GNC person. It takes time for us to rewire our brains after decades of antiquated gender norms.

Also, over time, they will get to know YOU. They will soon get to know you as a person and hopefully accept you regardless of what you’re wearing.

Love, Hannah

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Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I was doing some searching for makeovers in the Twin Cities seeing though I will be visiting soon and ran across these two places and I was wondering if you had any thoughts on them.


https://www.be-luminous.net/
https://www.evrymakeupstudio.com/

Oh my goodness I have not heard of either of these two!

Luminous Beauty, according to their website, offers makeup and photography at a mansion in Minneapolis. They are very LGBTQ+ inclusive and one of their services discusses gender-affirming makeup:

Transformative & Gender-Affirming Makeup: Open a whole new world of possibilities with our inclusive makeup applications and lessons for individuals exploring gender expression. Our skilled artists provide a supportive and encouraging environment that helps you feel comfortable and validated in your own skin. Choose a Transformative Makeup Application for a night out on the town or a Gender-Affirming Makeup Lesson where you can master basic techniques or experiment with advanced looks. Our lessons will empower you to express your identity with confidence.

Evry Makeup Studio offers makeover services, including makeup lessons. I love that Evry reminds us that makeup is for everyone and that not everyone will benefit from the same techniques and products:

At EVRY MAKEUP STUDIO, we teach you to master the makeup how-to’s, help you host memorable makeup parties and remind you that makeup doesn’t need to be cookie cutter, there is room for EVRYone!

These are both wonderful resources and I can’t thank you enough for sharing them. I hope you have an amazing time and please let us know about how much fun you have!

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Hello Hannah, my question is about Sex and Relationships. I’m single and I’ve been dressing for about 25 years and have never been in a relationship with another CD. Sex is so much more than just a sexual meeting, it’s a physical attraction and wanting to please your partner. I’m not alone in the view, you see it in most of the CD forums. In general, if you are not already married, you will be alone in this world. I would love to be in a relationship however I know it will never happen. I crave to be in love so I have to make a life decision and soon. I’m not very happy. Do you have any advise?

Relationships are hard.

Finding someone is hard.

The first advice I can give is to be easy on yourself and don’t give up. Don’t give yourself an arbitrary deadline, if you will, to find someone. Falling in love and building a life together is challenging enough as it is, and it does little good putting additional pressure on yourself, such as giving yourself a time limit.

People find their partner at different times throughout their lives. It doesn’t always happen by a certain age.

Crossdressing certainly doesn’t make a relationship easier. I get it. I’ve been there. Sometimes this side of us becomes can impact everything between two people. However, I don’t feel that it’s always the crossdressing ITSELF that is the issue, rather it might be what comes WITH crossdressing that is the problem.

What I mean is that it’s normal for some of us to keep this side of ourselves a secret. Little white lies become almost natural. If someone from my male life were to see me at Target with foundation in my basket I would mention I am picking up a few things for my wife. Is it a lie? Yes.

I have become used to this.

We also might be accustomed to hiding the depth of this side of us to people we are out to. We may do this with the best of intentions. When I came out to a girl I was dating I reallllly downplayed what I eventually realized was my gender identity. I didn’t want to scare her off and I didn’t want her to think I was in denial about myself.

So, was that a lie? Yes.

These falsehoods are not easy to stop. I became so used to what I felt were little white lies that I really didn’t see the problem with them. This is what I mean by crossdressing may not be the problem, but lying about crossdressing IS the problem.

It’s also challenging for us to accept that others are accepting of this side of us. We might still be afraid of scaring our partner away even after we come out. So, we may continue to protect this side of us by telling lies here and there. Again, this may be done with the best of intentions, but these good intentions don’t make it right.

When I began a new relationship, I always knew that this side of me was the elephant in the room. I knew if the relationship would continue we would have to discuss this. I knew that this could also potentially end the relationship. Knowing this, I knew that my partner accepting, or at least tolerating, this side of me was going to be crucial for the relationship to continue. I knew this because at a certain point in my life I knew that this is who I was, this is who I am. I cannot deny my gender identity no more than I can stop being right-handed.

In a way my crossdressing became the most important aspect of any future relationship. Not that what I wear is more important than my partner’s feelings, but I knew I could not be in a relationship if I wasn’t honest with them about this aspect of myself OR if I knew this aspect of myself was causing my partner agony. If wearing panties broke her heart, I knew that it wouldn’t be fair for her (or for myself) to be in a relationship with them.

However, in my twenties I learned that I should not choose to remain in a relationship based ONLY on their acceptance of my crossdressing. I came out to a girl I was dating who was very accepting and even enthusiastic about my crossdressing. I felt I had hit the jackpot however as the relationship progressed we realized we were not right for each other. If I stayed with her it would have been only for her acceptance. We were hardly compatible on the other important parts of life.

The healthiest relationships, in my opinion and in my experience, are when two people have the same values, not necessarily the same interests.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you are seeking a relationship with another crossdresser since you mentioned posting on crossdressing forums. This is probably a good place to start if you are looking SPECIFICALLY for a relationship with someone who crossdresses. But it also sounds like (and forgive me if I am wrong) that the most important quality in your partner is that they are also a crossdresser.

Ask yourself if this is the case. If it is, then you may likely have to take some… hm, concessions. You may have to compromise. I have a co-worker who hates his wife on every. single. level. He is absolutely miserable and complains about her every chance he gets. I asked him why he stays with her. He told me it’s because her family is rich and when her parents die she will get a significant inheritance.

Essentially he is choosing to live a miserable life because in his opinion, potential wealth is the most important aspect of their relationship. He cares little about happiness. He wants the money. This is his choice.

So, is your partner’s crossdressing the most important thing they can bring to a relationship? If so, then yes, you may have a hard time finding a fulfilling relationship. Relationships are hard enough as it is and they are dependent on values, not interests. You may have crossdressing in common, but are you able to communicate difficult feelings? Are the two of you able to work on a relationship? Are you able to tackle the hard parts of life together?

From my perspective, a partner’s acceptance (or participation) of your crossdressing will likely not impact the big things that a relationship requires. Relationships are two people maintaining a home, dividing up the household chores, agreeing on a budget, interacting with one another’s extended families… the list continues.

If you and your partner fight over finances and you can’t work together when your basement floods, then their acceptance of your crossdressing becomes, well, not important.

For example, my wife is accepting of who I am. But we came to this acceptance and understanding through communication and hard work and listening. Communication is key in any relationship, whether the conversation is about crossdressing or finances or emotions. If you can’t communicate about anything, then you’ll have a difficult relationship.

A few years ago, on our anniversary, we were getting ready to go out to dinner. Our kitchen sink was not…. um, sinking right so my wife had been watching DIY videos to hopefully find a solution. Before going out, she wanted to try one more thing. The two of us spent the next half hour with a plunger and unfastening various pipes and trying different things. It SUCKED. It was GROSS. But we laughed the entire time we were doing this. Soon we were soaked and after putting the pipes back together we ended up staying home and getting takeout.

If my wife and I weren’t able to work together on this kind of stuff, it would be a challenging relationship. During that moment her acceptance didn’t matter.

Since you asked for my advice my suggestion is if finding a partner who also crossdresses is THE most important quality you wish to find, then be prepared to consider every other aspect that is important in a relationship. Does this person listen to you? Do you trust them? Do you like them? Do you have the same values? Are on the same page about finances? What about having children?

In a sense, what you and your partner are into, whether it’s a shared love of crossdressing or a sport or a hobby or whatever, will likely be a small factor in your relationship. You may have a common interest, but you and your partner will need to be able to communicate about difficult stuff and tackle difficult stuff. I know it’s cliched to say that you should marry your best friend but I think there’s a lot of truth to that.

Love, Hannah

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by Hannah

What are your hobbies and interests?

A lot of my interests tend to be, well, kind of quiet. Mostly solitary or with my wife.

I like taking my dogs for walks. I like to paint and draw. I love to read.

I like to find new used bookstores. I like museums, from art to science to history.

Much of what I enjoy doing also helps me recharge from whatever the day or week threw at me. I have a small social battery and I tend to get overwhelmed and exhausted by a lot of stimulation that I can’t control.

What are your hobbies?

Love, Hannah

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by Hannah

Where did you find that absolutely gorgeous hot pink bustier with the garters? I am absolutely in love with it and every time you post a picture of your beautiful self with that on I find myself wishing I knew where to find it!

Hi!

I will never pass up an opportunity (or excuse) to post a picture of this cute little bustier.

Unfortunately I have completely forgotten where I found this. I do know that I added this to my overflowing lingerie dresser years and years ago. Even if I could recall where I found it I would be surprised if it was still available.

I bought this when I was deeeeeep in the Pink Fog. I would visit the lingerie section of every boutique and department store and would hope they had something in my size. I was constantly picking up new items and spending waaaay too much money on lingerie when my wife and I were at a point when I probably shouldn’t have been so reckless with money.

This is an example of how this side of us isn’t always an issue, but rather our behavior that is associated with this side of us is. It’s not that I was buying lingerie, the issue was I was spending money that should have been used on the important things, such as utilities and the like.

This set was also likely rather inexpensive and like most clothes, the cost and quality go hand in hand. Many pieces of lingerie, though typically associated with sexy time, can also be practical. A bustier like this is designed to support your bust, in a similar way to a bra, but this cute little number is more about titillation than anything else. The garters have the plastic grips which constantly needed refastening and I can’t imagine wearing this outside of a photo shoot or the bedroom. Or a photo shoot in a bedroom.

Lingerie can be a balance of sexy and practical. I realized this by wearing corsets from Glamorous Corset. And I also learned that if you can replace garters that have plastic fasteners with metal ones then you may want to do that.

Love, Hannah

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Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

How does a gender non-conforming person l travel ( air, hotel, cruise) in this world without getting in to an issue?

Besides my car, I have not traveled en femme. I do plan on flying pretty eventually. Whenever I start to pack for a business trip I think about how much that would be, but by the time I get to the airport, suffer through the hell that TSA is, and eventually board the plane, I think that I never want to fly again ever.

I do have many friends who do fly en femme and I have heard nothing but positive experiences. The TSA does appear to be very accommodating to gender non-confirming and non-binary passengers.

From their website:

TSA recognizes the concerns that some members of the transgender/non-binary/gender nonconforming traveling public have with screening technology and certain security screening procedures, and is committed to ensuring all passengers are treated with respect and dignity. Screening is conducted without regard to a person’s race, color, sex, gender, gender identity, national origin, religion or disability.

As for hotels, the only relevant experience I have is when I booked a room for a photo shoot and I did this under my male name with my credit card. I checked into the hotel en femme and I had to present my ID and credit card. I obviously didn’t look like my ID photo but no one batted an eyelash.

I’ve never gone on a cruise so I am afraid I can’t comment on that. I suppose different cruise lines, like airlines, have different procedures.

One thing to keep in mind is that not everything we do en femme will go as smoothly as we would like. Not everyone in the world will be happy to see us. There may be some subtle hostility. This is because many things we do require human interaction. An airline could be the biggest LGBTQ+ ally in the history of the world, but if the attendant checking your boarding pass hates transgender people then we might not have the experience we expect and deserve.

Love, Hannah

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Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Is it better to change your eye and hair colour when dressing? Or is it easier to keep the same?

It’s always easier to do, well, nothing. So, yes, it’s easier to make small changes and even easier to make no changes.

But is it better?

I suppose it’s completely up to you. ”Better” is arbitrary.

Although I’ve been wearing a caramel colored wig for the last few months, I prefer a solid black hair color because it’s the same as my natural hair. I wear contacts but I suppose I could wear contacts that change my eye color. But I don’t feel it’s necessary to do that. My eye color is not something I give any consideration to when I, well, do anything. 

Some girls prefer to change EVERYTHING. Different hair color, different eye color, different everything compared to their male physical attributes. Essentially to be as different, at least physically, as their masculine presentation.

And again, that’s up to the individual.

Some of us, especially when we begin presenting en femme in public, agonize and fret and worry about anything that would reveal either their birth gender or their masculine identity. If you are worried about someone figuring out that you are presenting as a gender that is different than the one you were assigned at birth, you are likely scrutinizing every single aspect of yourself. Your height, voice, body shape, everything.

Of course, there are things one can do to adopt a more feminine appearance (at least based on the world’s narrow perspective on gender from a binary standpoint). But really, for most of us, there’s only so much one can do. 

Long hair, for the most part, is associated with femininity. So, my wig is long. 

Please note that one does not need to have long hair, or any hair at all, to be femme.

I can have a more traditional feminine hairstyle, but I can’t do anything about my height.

Please note that one does not need to be a certain height to be femme.

You can’t worry about the things you can’t change. I don’t even think you should worry about the things you CAN change.

But I get it. I was terrified of someone reading me before I went out for the first time. And for the third time. And so on.

However, if there’s anything I’ve learned about going out en femme it’s this:

  1. I don’t care if someone sees me and realizes I am transgender. I AM transgender
  2. I don’t know what ANYONE thinks. It’s entirely likely someone at the mall sees me and thinks “she is trans” or “that’s a dude” or “cute dress” or “I wish I could walk in heels like that”.

I can’t read someone else’s mind. And I am certainly not going to go up to some rando and ask for their opinion about me. That’s just weird. I don’t need anyone’s validation anyway.

Essentially I don’t care if others speculate on my gender identity or the gender I was assigned at birth. I can’t stop them and it really doesn’t impact my life.

Being read is one thing. Being recognized is another. In almost fifteen years of going out en femme, I have yet to bump into someone who didn’t know about my gender identity. Even if I did, changing my eye color wouldn’t prevent someone from my male life putting two and two together. 

Love, Hannah

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by Hannah

I have a chest circumference of 34″. I want to buy adhesive type silicon breast. How can I select the size ?

There’s a lot to consider when it comes to breast forms beyond your chest size. It’s important to do your research AND talk with the experts before you make such an investment.

And yes, I think forms are absolutely an investment and I think cost and quality go together. You can probably get a paid on Amazon for under $100, but forms are more than just shapes. There’s just something amazing when your forms FEEL real, when they move WITH you, when they squish into a tight dress or bra. 

I have two pairs of forms from The Breast Form Store and I can’t imagine wearing forms that come from anywhere else.

Before I chose my forms, I consulted with a representative and they asked about my height, my age, my measurements, and my weight. They recommended a size that I wouldn’t have picked but now I see why. I feel my forms look amazing AND I feel they are proportionate to the rest of me.

I hope this helps!

Love, Hannah

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