I have a question regarding wearing female clothing while presenting in boy mode. I ask because I like to wear something female specific even when presenting in boy mode. Currently I am wearing women’s jeans and just picked up a pair of women’s combat boots that could pass for men’s shoes. I struggle to find footwear that would not be too feminine that I can still wear. What are some options that can be displayed as gender neutral even though the clothing is made for women?
I wear femme clothes in boy mode mostly because they are more comfortable and softer than boy clothes. Femme jeans are soooo much more comfortable than boy jeans. The fit is better, the fabric is softer…. I just wish the pockets were a TINY bit bigger. My femme jeans look very much like boy jeans but there are some subtle difference. The same thing goes with leggings. I have boy leggings and girl leggings and I exercise in both of them, but the femme leggings are so much more comfortable. But like my jeans, if you know what you are looking for you can tell they came from the section of Target that most men don’t shop in.
I think some of us wear femme clothes in boy mode because we are… well, testing the waters so to speak. Will anyone notice? If they do, will anyone say anything? If they say something, will they care? Will they make a fuss about it? If they notice but it’s not a big deal, perhaps we have found someone we can be honest with.
Shoes though… well, there’s not a ton of options. Most femme shoes are super cute but often times practicality is exchanged for the cuteness of them. If I wanted to wear femme shoes in boy mode I would avoid anything with a heel, obviously. This is one of the of those instances where you can see a shoe and your first impression is probably the same impression most people will have. If you look at a shoe and think it’s a little too femme, chances are most people will think the same thing. If you’re fine with that or if that’s look you’re going for (or you don’t care what others think), then go for it.
I have been crossdressing for years and loving every minute and I am older now and would like to meet another girl, whom to have fun with, travel, shop, make-up…… You get the idea, I’m not a night girl any longer and just don’t know where to meet other girls during the day. This virus has put a damper on everything, what should I do?
There are really only two options when it comes to meeting other girls like us. You can join a support group. There is probably a PFLAG chapter near you, or simply google “transgender support (city name)” and see what you can find.
As for fighting the urge to crossdress, well, I suppose it’s possible. It never was possible for me. You can deny and ignore this part of you, but you will never stop wanting to crossdress. This is not a phase, this is not something you will outgrow.
But the question I have for you is why would you want to fight it? Why deny a part of who you are? Panties, dresses, lingerie, makeup… everything is absolutely wonderful. Clothes are how I express one of my gender identities, but even if it wasn’t, I would still wear lingerie and leggings and nightgowns and…the list goes on. “Girl clothes” are amazing.
There is nothing wrong with crossdressing.There is nothing wrong with who you are. Yes, society and many people think it’s weird or whatever, but who cares? I think it’s weird when dudes spend all day in a boat in the middle of the lake trying to catch a fish. same with wandering around a golf course and trying to whack a little white ball. But if it makes them happy, who am I to judge? You can’t suppress this part of you because some people think it’s not normal. I don’t know and I don’t care what other people think of me, no matter what I am doing or wearing, in either of my genders.
Fighting and denying this part of you can be dangerous. Some people turn to drinking to escape the stressful parts of their life, whether it is their job or their gender identity. It’s not healthy to be at war with yourself. Life is hard enough as it is. You don’t need you to make it any more challenging. I don’t want to say that it’s pointless to fight this urge, but it’s… kind of pointless to fight this urge. It won’t go away, it will always be there, and there’s nothing wrong with this side of you. I don’t even think it’s an urge. This is who you are. This is who we are.
I love being dressed and time knows no limits. I have noticed real girls complaining about heels, hose, and bras, and can’t wait to get them off while I enjoy every minute I spend in them and regret when I finally must disrobe. Are these articles of clothing really that miserable? I have listened to women from grade school to adulthood complaining about all these clothing items as well as makeup and long hair and shaving their legs while I sit there and wish I could be in any of their places. I have been wearing hose and panties every day, as well as a bra and breast forms whenever I can and have yet to find them intolerable and instead prefer to be in them. So, Hannah, is it just my clothing fetish or do real girls really not appreciate the pleasures of being female?
There’s…there’s a lot to unpack here.
For starters, all girls are real girls. I’m guessing you are meaning cis-gender girls, though.
I have a family member who has a really cool job and it requires him to travel. And he travels EVERYWHERE. One day in New York, a few days later he’s in Japan. And when he goes to these places he does cool stuff. One day I asked him how amazing it must be to have his life. He said he is grateful to have the life he has, but it’s not as glamorous as it looks. The travel gets tiring after a while, living in hotels, no stability, no real way to plan the rest of his life from one week to the next and of course he misses his family terribly. Listening to him gained a new perspective on something I was originally jealous of. Traveling once in a while is fun, but every week it gets a little tiring. The thrill wears off.
What I am trying to say is that someone’s experience is usually different than how we think it is. Yes, we might wonder why women don’t wear heels and dresses and stockings all the time since they are “allowed to”, but it’s not as simple as that.
T-Girls have a unique, and often personal and intimate relationship with clothes. Stilettos, bras, stockings, corsets, are thrilling for us. Slip on a pair of heels and I am walking on air… for a while. Of course, when I am at home and relaxing I can wear a pair of five inch heels all day and there’s nothing quite like it. But when I am out in the real world, well, it’s not as fun. At a recent photo shoot Shannonlee and I walked miles… on sidewalk, pavement, brick roads, up and down stairs, on gravel… and it didn’t take long for my feet and legs to hurt.
My strutting devolved into smaller steps and by the time I got home I was very happy to slip off my heels… and my bra, my gaff, and my stockings. I was happy to wash my makeup off, my false eyelashes were drooping a little. My earrings were pinching as well. It was getting hot and my wig was sticking to my skin. My foundation was melting a little and my eyeliner and mascara were smudging, despite using a primer and a setting spray. I probably looked a little silly, and I knew it. I felt a little silly.
As much as I loved being en femme, it was a lot more comfortable once I changed. Yes, I wasn’t cute and boy clothes are soooo boring, but nothing pinched anymore.
I dress to the nines because I heart it. I underdress because I love lingerie and it helps me stay connected to my femme side. How I dress is my choice.
But not everyone has that choice. Speaking in very broad terms, society has expectations as to how a girl should look, how a girl should dress. Whether this is a real dress code or not, many people (mostly men if we are being honest) expect women to be in full makeup and wear heels. Of course, that’s easy for someone to say if they have never worn heels or an underwire bra before.
And just as a t-girl can have an emotional relationship with clothes, cis-women can as well… but it’s not necessarily as fun as ours is. Women have been objectified for years and expecting to dress a certain way or to smile for is an example of that. Some women wear nylons or heels because that’s the unofficial dress code, if you will. Or in some cases, it is the official dress code. Most people don’t enjoy being forced to do something or wear something. Everyone should have the choice and the freedom to wear what they want to wear. I mean, isn’t that what a t-girl/crossdresser is all about?
I know we would love to wear what we want, when we want. Guess what! All women want that. If a girl wants to wear pants or a leather skirt or a cape, then they should. But like I said, it’s not always a choice. As hard to believe, women weren’t allowed to wear pants in the Senate until 1998. Sleeveless dresses and blouses and open-toed heels weren’t permitted until 2019. Being forced to wear (or not wear) something takes a lot of joy out of getting dressed. It’s a reminder that you are not allowed to wear what you wish. I’m sure many of us can relate to that.
Anatomy can play a big part in whether or not you’re comfortable as well. Yes, my wife and I both wear bras but my bra supports my breast forms which have hardly any weight at all. Her bra supports her breasts which is not the same thing as supporting forms. Same with heels. She and I can both wear four inch heels but her feet are much tinier than mine. A four inch heel on her creates a much more vertical arch than a four inch heel on me. Of course her feet are going to hurt before mine. Of course she’ll be ready to take them off before I am.
I love smooth legs, but is it a pain to shave them? Of course. Well, maybe pain isn’t the right word, but hair removal is a lot of work. Whether it is taking time to get my brows threaded, having certain parts of me waxed, or shaving other parts of me, it is a time consuming process. And yes, I bitch about it once in a while.
And! Being who I am is expensive. I’ll buy a bra to treat myself, my wife buys one because she needs one. She’ll pick out a cute one, sure, but I don’t really NEED one, despite me thinking I do 🙂
To paraphrase the common saying, the gender is always easier on the other side of the closet. Have you ever had a girl say to you (in male mode) how lucky men are? They don’t have to shave their legs, look a certain way, dress in a certain style, color their gray hair… society has different expectations of someone based on their gender presentation. It looks easier (and in my experience, it is) to present as male.
As for whether this is a fetish or not, only you can answer that.
But I do know that looking a certain way takes a lot of time and a lot of work. I don’t think it diminishes the joys of being a girl or as you said, being female. I think a girl like me dresses for different reasons that some girls. I dress how I want because I can, but some cis-girls feel they must present a certain way. I think most people like looking cute or attractive, and for many people how we dress and our physical appearance can be impact our self-esteem and our confidence. But goodness, how I choose to look takes a lot of time and work.
We can’t forget that although a girl like us may wear the same things as our wives and sisters, we don’t always have the same experiences that they have. I know some cis-girls who would love to wear more dresses but they hate how some men (I know, I know, not all men) will comment or look down (or up) their dress. If I was constantly being leered at or catcalled when wearing a skirt I would want to stop wearing them too. I am sure we have all heard stories of girls getting sent home from high school because the tank top was distracting the boys. Christ. No wonder some girls don’t want to wear certain clothes.
Walking a mile in heels is not the same thing as walking a mile in every women’s shoes, if you follow me.
hello and i would like to know what is the difference between a cross dress and transgender or cis. i am a closet cross dresser for many years and love to dress up as a female and be happy looking pretty and feeling pretty about myself.
Cisgender is when you feel that the gender you were assigned to at birth aligns with the gender you identify as today. you are born, the doctor and nurses see what is between your legs and mark M or F on your birth certificate.
You are likely dressed in blue or pink. You are given trucks or dolls. You are encouraged to be a doctor or a nurse. You are ridiculed for crying or comforted when you are sad.
I’m a feminine gay man and wear a lot of women’s clothing to express my femininity (I’ve never met a pair of sandals I didn’t like), but not to “present” myself as a woman. It’s hard finding other feminine gay men even online. Not only do straight men hate us, but so do masculine gay men. They blame us for why the main stream won’t and don’t accept them as also being well, main stream. You were asked recently to supply a list of resources online for someone who wanted to give to a friend. I know you aren’t a feminine gay man, but thought that you may know others that are like me or happen to know if any websites that I should check out.
I have a love/hate relationship with labels.
On one hand, it was a comforting thing to learn the word ‘crossdresser’ when I was younger. To know that there were others like me and there were so many of us that there was a word for us made me realize that I wasn’t alone and maybe I wasn’t so… weird, I guess.
On the other hand, it gets a little exhausting to qualify who I am and how I identify. When one hears that someone is transgender, it paints a picture in their head of someone who was identified as one gender but lives/presents as another. Whether I am presenting as a boy or en femme I am still transgender. If you showed a picture of Hannah to someone and said “that person is transgender” you might respond “well, obviously.” If the same person saw me in boy mode and told them that I was also transgender they would be a little, well, challenged. I look transgender en femme, I look like, well, a man in male mode.
Transgender doesn’t mean hormones or transitioning or surgery Just like being a man doesn’t mean I like football and beer.
There are some in the transcommunity that believe that I’m not trans since I have not or will be transitioning. Their perspective is I am “just” a crossdresser, nothing else. And yes, I suppose I am a crossdresser but I am a crossdresser in the sense that when I am presenting as a boy I am wearing panties under my boy clothes or wear a nightgown to bed. When I am en femme, I am not crossdressing. And yes, that’s a little weird but I think you know what I mean.
People are generally looked at as either cishet (cisgender, heterosexual) or members of the LGBTQ+ community. To some people, any deviance from the societal perception of BEING A MAN pushes one from being masculine/straight to, well, something else. Think back to grade school. If a boy in first grade likes to jump rope he isn’t “one of the boys” anymore, he’s a girl, or gay. There are very strict (and stupid) rules about who is a man. It seems to me that the list of rules is very long and very pointless.
Our community is much the same way. Just as I am not considered trans by others, there are some people who have expectations as to how a gay man should dress or live their lives. And that sucks. Unfortunately you are experiencing that first hand and I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like some people in our community feel you are impacting how some of the world looks at a gay man. I’m sorry. You write how you feel out of place as you don’t fit in with both straight men (booooo straight men) and members of the gay community. I wish I had something comforting and reassuring to say. I wish I could change the world for you. I wish I knew more answers and had more options than I do. But I don’t.
All I can ask is that we all stick together in all this. These days anyone that isn’t white/heterosexual/cisgender is having a tough time. My Black friends are angry and scared. My trans friends are terrified about losing their health care. My gay friends are worried their right to marry who they love will be taken away. I live my life and present differently than others who identify as trans. You present and dress differently than some members of the gay community. I can relate on some levels, though I won’t pretend that I know exactly how you feel or what you experience.
The cishet world has their own ideas as how we should live our lives. I ignore this. Let’s not impose any expectations or standards in the LGBTQ+ community.
As for support and meeting others like you, I have no idea. I know that’s not helpful. I would encourage you to look into a PFLAG group to attend a meeting to connect with others in our community.
Hi Hannah. I am pretty new to all this and am finding your website and blog super helpful and inspiring. Thank you! My question is a pretty simple one. I am right at the start of my journey and kicked off by getting myself a pair of breastforms and a bra. I’ve been in my bra for a couple of weeks now as I am working from home, only not wearing it when I’m asleep or either the bra or I are getting washed. I feel more ‘put together’ when I’m in my bra but I’m nowhere near used to it yet – the straps on the shoulder, the clasp on the back, the wires on my chest etc. And the way you are always, always aware of it. Does that start to diminish over time? I just feel that if I wore other stuff like pantyhose or heels, I’d be totally overwhelmed. Hoping someone with some experience can tell me when a bra just becomes part of you. Thanks!
Like strutting across a parking lot in four inch stilettos, crossdressing usually is all about baby steps.
And yes, most of us ease our way into this. It took me about thirty years to be completely en femme, from wig to heels and everything in-between. You can dress as little or as much as you’d like. Many of us stop at lingerie, some of us don’t.
It sounds like you wear a bra a lot and you’ll probably always be aware, at least on a small level, that you are wearing a bra (hope you have matching panties!). And to be honest, I kind of like being aware of wearing something so feminine and pretty. But if it is uncomfortable in any way, then you may be wearing the wrong bra size. Most girls (t and cis) wear a bra that is too small and the band is not the proper length. I would love to wear a 30 inch band but I don’t and there’s no reason to be uncomfortable (or worse) just to wear a size that I would LIKE to be, instead of the size that I am.
When you feel ready, you may want to get a bra fitting. I had one last year and it was really eye-opening. If you decide to go this route, call ahead to the lingerie shop (probably avoid the mall stores) to make sure they do bra fittings (especially in the current COVID scenario). If they do, simply say you are a transwoman and you would like a fitting. Of course, you may not identify as transgender, but it’s a lot less awkward than asking if they do bra fitting for men. That’s not to say you have to visit completely en femme. Stores that help the transcommunity know that we can present in many different ways and sometimes we present more masculine than feminine.
If you’re looking for new bras (and undies!) to add to your lingerie collection, I recommend:
I really liked your coming out day post. You mentioned running in femme leggings. That is something I’ve been keen to try. Could you share what type of leggings you wear and maybe the design/color? I like the idea of wearing something girly but not attracting too much unwanted attention.
As for running, I wear a simple pair of black femme leggings. I have other femme leggings that I wear in boy mode that have some faux leather texture to them, for example. Anyone who wears leggings will tell you that they are perfect for everything, especially working from home. But when I run I wear leggings that tend to blend in with “boy” workout clothes. They are nothing fancy or overly feminine. I bought them at Target and the brand is Champions, I think.
I am making a contact sheet of resources for a friend of mine that cross dresses. Is there any resources you would highly recommend? Mental health, books to read, people to watch on YouTube or to follow on social media. He’s not looking for forums or dating sites, and that’s all I really come up with from search engines. Thank you!
Aren’t you sweet?
There are a ton of resources out there and so much depends on what your friend is looking for.
Some of us are really conflicted and confused and scared of who we are and what they want, or want to wear. Some of us are wondering what this all means. It kind of throws everything we know, or think we know about our whole sense of identity (gender and sexual among others) into question. We may feel alone when it comes to this side of us. If your friend is looking for support and friendship I would recommend looking for a local PFLAG group as well as reading and posting on crossdressers.com and transgenderheaven.com.
If your friend is looking for help when it comes to mental help, please encourage them to speak with a gender therapist.
If your friend is looking for resources when it comes to finding clothes, there are many options out there. En Femme, The Breast Form Store, Glamour Boutique, HommeMystere and Xdress are some of my favorites. Make sure they know their measurements. Of course, one does not need to limit their shopping options to designers who make beautiful, feminine clothes for the typical male body. I have just as many dresses from DressBarn and Target as I do from the businesses I listed.
When it comes to books, I loved ‘The Lazy Crossdresser’ by Charlie Jane Anders. This is a practical and light guide to wearing “girl clothes” and had a huge impact on me when I read it for the first time. This might be out of print but you can usually find almost anything online.
In terms of social media, your friend will find that there are a lot of people like us who wear what we wear for a lot of reasons. My Twitter followers, and who I follow on Twitter range from fetishists (I don’t follow people that are… aroused by this) to activists to gross horny dudes looking to hook up (I don’t follow them either) drag queens, makeup artists, to people like me who simply love to wear pretty clothes. Some of the girls I follow online can be found in T-Girl Spotlight.
Well girls? Anything you think might help? Please comment!
You say you dress en femme around twice a month! How long ( length of time ) at one period have you spent totally en femme? A week? 10 days? I am sure you want at times to remain en femme longer; I know since being en femme invigorates and encourages me to work better as a person and to feel my wonderful feminine side.
When I am en femme, it’s usually for the day, at a minimum about eight hours or so. And honestly that’s a perfect period of time for me. I tend to be a bit of a homebody so being out and about drains my social battery and drains my bank account lol.