This Beautiful Season

0007Every year, as the end of spring begins to flirt with the first breath of summer, you see beauty everywhere.  The blossoming of flowers, the bluest sky imaginable and breathtaking sunsets.

This time of year you see girls getting ready for prom or to be in a wedding.  This season stirs up the desire to be beautiful, the intense pangs of jealousy.  When I was in high school I would see my female friends at a formal dance and couldn’t decide if I wanted to in love with them or if I wanted to look like them.  It was an intense…awakening, a turning point in my life.  Ultimately I would choose both.

This longing to pick out a beautiful gown, to find the perfect heels and to have an amazing makeover doesn’t ever go away.  It’s always there…but it’s never stronger or louder than right now.  I didn’t go to prom when I was a senior, but I wanted to.  I was dating a girl but we broke up a few weeks before the dance.  We had planned to go, and I lived vicariously through her as she recounted her experiences of shopping for the gown she ultimately would not wear.  If I was honest with myself,  I wanted to go to prom as a girl.  I wanted to spend weeks looking for a dress, the shoes and accessories.  I wanted the makeup and hair appointment, I wanted the photos, the going out to dinner at an upscale restaurant, the limo…everything.  I didn’t even want to go with someone, it would have been enough to just go, to be my own date.

When my high school days passed I had hopes of being a bridesmaid.  I wanted to experience going dress shopping with other girls, trying on countless gowns…just thinking about it makes me smile.

I am lucky to have experienced so many moments as Hannah, but it also hits me on occasion knowing that there are so many things that I likely never will.  I’ve had many makeovers, many photographs taken, and I have a beautiful wardrobe.  But being the most beautiful girl at a gala, in the room, the center of a dance floor, or a wedding photograph feels impossible.

I think you all know what I feel.

Love, Hannah

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Saying Yes to the Dress, the Heels, the Skirts…

Is there anyone on the planet that has a bigger, more emotional relationship with clothes than a crossdresser?

As far back as I can remember, I remember the pangs of seeing a beautiful dress and just yearning to wear it.  As I got older the feeling just grew.  There was always a longing in my heart when I heard of girls in high school shopping for a prom dress, and later, listening to my friends talk about wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses.

I think every one of us remembers the first time we wore a dress, the first time we walked in high heels, the first time we wore…anything and everything.

As I grew up and started to buy my own clothes, I remember the thrill of actually owning my own pair of panties, my first pair of heels.  Of course when I first moved out my wardrobe started to expand…and like many of us, the wardrobe ended up in the trash a short time later.  When we purged we all felt that this was it, we were never going to dress up again.  We could beat this, we could live without this.

Of course, we were all fooling ourselves.  It wasn’t long until we regretted the purge or until we were back at the mall, shopping all over again.  I purged more times than I would like to remember.  I have thrown away so many dresses and heels that I regret.

When I was in mid-20’s, I realized I was never going to change and I finally accepted that this is who I am.  My wardrobe started to steadily grow over the next few years and then I met the girl I married.  After a few months of dating, I told her about everything.  It was a shock to her but I was glad I was honest with her.  I knew I wanted to marry her and I knew I had to be upfront with her.  A few days before we moved in with each other, I purged for the last time.

Of course, it wasn’t long until I started buying panties again, but I was honest with her.  Soon I started to grow a wardrobe again and I never purged again.

Until tonight.

Kind of.

A little over two years ago, I decided it was time to make some changes and I cut back drastically on my drinking, started to exercise more and lost fifty pounds and I have kept it over since then.  I also dropped from a size 20 to a size 12.  I needed new clothes and my wardrobe started to grow again.

I cleared out my closet and I wondered what I should do with the clothes that didn’t fit anymore.  I finally found a perfect home for the clothes and I am excited it will help other t-girls.  More on this later.

Tonight I sorted the clothes that were going to be donated and it was very emotional.  I found the first dress that I bought years ago when I started my wardrobe for the final time, I found the dress I wore the first night I went out, the skirt I wore when I went out for the first time I went out during the day, the first dress my wife bought for me…

I am lucky to have the life, the wife and the clothes I have.  I am glad these clothes will go to other t-girls that will love them as much as I do.   I wanted to take a look back on some of these outfits and reflect on how important they were in helping me become…ME.  These clothes are a part of me and I truly loved them.

Love, Hannah