Ask Hannah!

I have been crossdressing for years and loving every minute and I am older now and would like to meet another girl, whom to have fun with, travel, shop, make-up…… You get the idea, I’m not a night girl any longer and just don’t know where to meet other girls during the day. This virus has put a damper on everything, what should I do?

We all know we need support and friendship when it comes to our femme selves.  No one understands a t-girl like another t-girl.


There are really only two options when it comes to meeting other girls like us.  You can join a support group.  There is probably a PFLAG chapter near you, or simply google “transgender support (city name)” and see what you can find.


The other option is finding friends online.  Two of the sites I recommend are crossdressers.com and transgenderheaven.com.


It’s not common you find another girl “in the wild”, so to speak, especially with COVID.  Even if you see another t-girl I personally advise an insane amount of caution when it comes to approaching a girl like us. I know I’m trans, I know everyone knows I am trans, but I do not want to be clocked.

No matter which gender I am resenting as I rarely see someone that I think might be trans. We do not tend to congregate in designated places with the exception of gay bars/nightclubs, I suppose.


Be safe and take care.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

I’m a feminine gay man and wear a lot of women’s clothing to express my femininity (I’ve never met a pair of sandals I didn’t like), but not to “present” myself as a woman. It’s hard finding other feminine gay men even online. Not only do straight men hate us, but so do masculine gay men. They blame us for why the main stream won’t and don’t accept them as also being well, main stream. You were asked recently to supply a list of resources online for someone who wanted to give to a friend. I know you aren’t a feminine gay man, but thought that you may know others that are like me or happen to know if any websites that I should check out.

I have a love/hate relationship with labels.


On one hand, it was a comforting thing to learn the word ‘crossdresser’ when I was younger.  To know that there were others like me and there were so many of us that there was a word for us made me realize that I wasn’t alone and maybe I wasn’t so… weird, I guess.


On the other hand, it gets a little exhausting to qualify who I am and how I identify.  When one hears that someone is transgender, it paints a picture in their head of someone who was identified as one gender but lives/presents as another.  Whether I am presenting as a boy or en femme I am still transgender.  If you showed a picture of Hannah to someone and said “that person is transgender” you might respond “well, obviously.”  If the same person saw me in boy mode and told them that I was also transgender they would be a little, well, challenged.  I look transgender en femme, I look like, well, a man in male mode.


Transgender doesn’t mean hormones or transitioning or surgery  Just like being a man doesn’t mean I like football and beer.  


There are some in the transcommunity that believe that I’m not trans since I have not or will be transitioning.  Their perspective is I am “just” a crossdresser, nothing else.  And yes, I suppose I am a crossdresser but I am a crossdresser in the sense that when I am presenting as a boy I am wearing panties under my boy clothes or wear a nightgown to bed.  When I am en femme, I am not crossdressing.  And yes, that’s a little weird but I think you know what I mean.


People are generally looked at as either cishet (cisgender, heterosexual) or members of the LGBTQ+ community.  To some people, any deviance from the societal perception of BEING A MAN pushes one from being masculine/straight to, well, something else.  Think back to grade school.  If a boy in first grade likes to jump rope he isn’t “one of the boys” anymore, he’s a girl, or gay.  There are very strict (and stupid) rules about who is a man.  It seems to me that the list of rules is very long and very pointless.


Our community is much the same way.  Just as I am not considered trans by others, there are some people who have expectations as to how a gay man should dress or live their lives.  And that sucks.  Unfortunately you are experiencing that first hand and I’m sorry to hear that.  It sounds like some people in our community feel you are impacting how some of the world looks at a gay man.  I’m sorry.  You write how you feel out of place as you don’t fit in with both straight men (booooo straight men) and members of the gay community.  I wish I had something comforting and reassuring to say.  I wish I could change the world for you.  I wish I knew more answers and had more options than I do.  But I don’t. 


All I can ask is that we all stick together in all this.  These days anyone that isn’t white/heterosexual/cisgender is having a tough time.  My Black friends are angry and scared.  My trans friends are terrified about losing their health care.  My gay friends are worried their right to marry who they love will be taken away.  I live my life and present differently than others who identify as trans.  You present and dress differently than some members of the gay community.  I can relate on some levels, though I won’t pretend that I know exactly how you feel or what you experience.  


The cishet world has their own ideas as how we should live our lives.  I ignore this.  Let’s not impose any expectations or standards in the LGBTQ+ community.  


As for support and meeting others like you, I have no idea.  I know that’s not helpful.  I would encourage you to look into a PFLAG group to attend a meeting to connect with others in our community.  


Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

T-Girl Support in Wisconsin

As important as I think it is to find heels and dresses and lingerie that fit (and I think this is really important), I think that finding support and friendship is just as crucial.


A random thought.  I know it’s shallow to put panties and stilettos as equal to support for girls like us, but I stand by it.  For many of us, a pretty pair of panties or an amazing dress are a representation of our gender identity.  Finding the courage to wear something we have always dreamed of wearing, and having that something fit is amazing of course, but it also fulfills a hidden and secret desire that many of us have had for entire lives.


I love promoting different organizations and support/social groups for girls like us, especially in an area outside of a major metropolitan city.  I just learned of a social/support group in northeast Wisconsin near Green Bay.  They meet up on the first Thursday of each month for support, girl talk about shopping and fashion, and share experiences.  In addition to meeting each month, they also have special outings several times a year where the girls go out for dinner, shop, and go out for dinner.  


The premiere welcome, social and support group is the First Thursday CD/TG Gathering that happens every first Thursday of the month in the private and safe room attached to the back of the Napalese Lounge (see bar listing below). From 6:30 – 8:00 is reserved for M to F cross dressers, gender fluid, transgender, gender nonconforming, etc. There is no pre-registration,
fee, programs, drama just good trans people who love to gather with other kindred spirits to meet others, tell a few stories and laugh. You don’t have to worry about “passing” or wearing the right clothes. Some girls have been around for a while (wisdom figures?) and each Gathering may have a couple girls who are “coming out” to meet with others for their first time. Some who cross dress a couple times a month and others who are at various stages of fully transitioning. We may have 5 girls show up or 15. You can enter directly into the private gathering room from the parking lot on the side of the building. The well-lit back door, with a welcome sign on it is 3 feet off the parking lot. About 8:00, depending on the wishes of whoever is there that night, the group usually migrates to the Napalese Lounge bar, where we are always warmly welcomed for a night cap or two. Periodically the group plans a “Super Saturday “ which is a full evening of shopping, going out to eat, stopping a cocktail or wine lounge and usually ends by attending a drag show.

Of course, some of these activities have been impacted by COVID, but hopefully they (along with so many other things) will return to normal sooner rather than later.  If you are interested in learning more about this wonderful group, please visit their website:  https://www.meetup.com/Green-Bay-Transgender-Meetup/


The group also has provided some resources in the area for independent businesses that are friendly to girls like us and I am happy to list them here:


Frayed Knot – It is an upscale used women’s clothing store in Green Bay. The owner Jenifer (who is usually there) and her staff are wonderful and very welcoming of the trans community. Prices of quality used women’s clothing are excellent. They will fuss over you and help you find sizes, set you up in one of the changing rooms and treat you royally. They also have shoes, purses, jewelry, accessories, etc. Periodically as part of Super Saturday’s they will open the store in the evening just for trans women and host a wine and cheese party. Located at 2660 N. Packerland Drive in GB. 920-405-0533
Sunrise on Main Boutique – This is another very trans friendly and welcoming upscale used women’s clothing store. The owner is Joan who is a delight to talk with. All profits from the sale of dresses, tops, skirts, jeans, purses, jewelry, shoes, etc. go to support women’s support and life coaching programs. They just expanded into a new larger space that has an open airy boutique feeling and displays of merchandise. On Tuesdays, the store is closed so that you can set up private shopping times with an appointment. On Thursdays they are open until 6:00 – so that you check it out and then come on over for our First Thursday Gatherings at Naps which is just a few blocks away. They are located at 1244 Main St. in Green Bay. website: www.sunriseonmain.com 920-857-1662.


Mani Fit Alteration – If you find that perfect dress or outfit that is just a bit too big and you need a good seamstress – go to Mani-Fit Alteration. The shop is run by a wonderful woman
who is very trans friendly and has helped several trans girls at reasonable prices. Located in a small strip mall at 2301 Holmgren Way in Green Bay. (across from Penny’s on Holmgren Way) 920-301-3267 or 920-465-4800.
Nells Wigs – a local wig shop that has served a few members of the trans community, but their primary clientele are women who have lost their hair due to chemotherapy. The owner, Stacie is very nice. A couple of trans girls have been well served there. They have a nice selection of wigs and will do a great fitting for you in a private room. However, prices tend to be at the high end – $200 or more per wig. If price isn’t a concern, then make an appointment and enjoy. Located at 2031 S. Webster Ave, Suite B in Green Bay 920-393-4912 www.nellswigsbouttique.com


Voga Wigs and Hair Add Ons – Have communicated with them via email and they indicate that they would be more than happy to help members of the trans community. They have a private room and a wide selection. They noted that price range for a synthetic wig was from $260 – $700, synthetic/human hair blends go from $900 – $1100 and human hair is $1200 to $4000. They also will wash, condition and restyle wigs. Online their fees are about $40 – $50 for these services. Green Bay Location : 900 S. Military Ave. 920- 884-8642 – Appleton location: 1250 Westhill Blvd 920-882-8642.
http://vogawigs.com

Academy of Beauty Professionals – This is a training school for Beauty Professionals. As such all services are provided by students under the careful supervision of teachers. As a result, the cost for a full makeover is less than $20.00. A couple of girls have gone there, staff are very open to serving the trans community and they do a nice job. Call ahead for an appointment. Locations in Green Bay at 2575 West Mason St. (across from Oneida Casino) 920-857-1081 and Appleton – 525 North Westhill Blvd – 920-815-3375.

The Aesthetic Spa – Hair Removal –– Robin Smet has been doing laser and electrolysis treatments for trans women for many years. 2372 S. Oneida St. GB – 920-497-6246.


Milan Laser Hair Removal – Board certified, has been in the business many years, very trans friendly and experienced. 2476 S. Oneida – 920-569-0927 https://milanlasergreenbay.com/

Wisconsin Laser Center – 100% transgender owned and operated. Specializes in laser hair removal, body sculpting, tattoo removal. Located in Neenah 1075 S. Lake St., Suite 105 920-245-3741.
https://www.wisconsinlasercenter.com


Photography Girl – A very trans friendly professional photographer who has a private studio located in downtown Neenah. Rates are very reasonable. If interested in more information and to set up an appointment email her at XOXOYoursPhotography@gmail.com

The Nepalese Lounge
– Highly recommended. Home for the CD/TG First Thursday of the Month Gathering. A classic “gay neighborhood bar”. All are welcome here, young and old, straight, gay, trans, etc. Pub food menu with Friday Fish Fry. Reasonably priced drinks. Place you can meet and chat. Drag shows the third Thursday of each month. Open mic talent shows the first Friday of each month. Located in Green Bay at 1351 Cedar St. – just east of downtown GB. https://www.napalese.com

Rascals – Another nice neighborhood like gay bar. Wide age range. Have pub menu and in summerhave nice outdoor back patio. Located in Appleton at 702 E. Wisconsin Avenue 920-954-9262
http://Rascalsbar.com


Amphora Wine Bar – A high class recently opened upscale remodeled art deco place with lots of atmosphere, good wine list and excellent cocktails. Also has one of the most interesting menus in Green Bay. The February 2020 CD/TG Super Saturday stopped there, and we were welcomed with a free round of drinks. Back patio open in summer. 131 N. Broadway in Green Bay. 920-391-5417.


Re Mixx
– a larger venue that is well known for its Saturday drag shows, good food and drinks, DJ on Friday and Saturday nights, Karaoke, etc. Always trans friendly. Located west of Neenah. Take the Winchester Road exist west off Hwy 41 to State Road 76 – head South address is 8386 State Road 76 –Neenah. 920-725-6483.


Dr Jekyll’s – Classic neighborhood dive bar that is close to Lawrence University and has a college energy vibe to it. Home of the monthly Lawrence University LGBTQIA + Pride Network social from 5:00– 8:00 on the Second Thursday of each month. Has pinball, skee ball, nice outdoor smoking patio. Great craft beer selection. 314 College Ave in Appleton.


XS Nightclub – If you are looking for a pulsating high energy place to dance – this is the place for you. Two stories, the lower level is usually a crowed dance floor and the second floor is a bar that overlooks the dance floor. It’s referred to as a gay bar – but while it is gay and trans friendly, there are probably more straight younger people. All are welcome. 1106 Main St. in Green Bay – 920-351-3024.

Scoreboard Grille – Classic no frills sports bar with reasonably priced drinks, burgers and beer. or those who want to grab a bite to eat before hitting the town we’ve been there without incident with 15 t-girls. Others have gone dressed and never had a problem. 2511 W. Mason St. in Green Bay. (across from Oneida Casino on Mason St.) 920-770-5586
http://www.scoreboardgrillecom.com


No Limits – A gay bar that is trans friendly, tends to have a younger crowd. Periodic drag shows and sometimes drag queens as bar enders. 500 N. Baird St. in Green Bay – 920-489-2484

Aardvark Wine Lounge – a small unique eclectic artsy cozy place with a unique pour yourself selection of wines to taste. Can order pairings of meats and cheeses to go along with your wine tasting. More of a straight bar but do drag brunches and trans girls have stopped there and have felt welcome. 304 Pine Street (next to Northland Hotel) in downtown Green Bay 920-737-7563

Love, Hannah

Stuck Inside on Coming Out

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day.


Like everything else in 2020 this really snuck up on me.  I have been who I am for a long time and my gender identity has evolved over the years and I am, for lack of a better term, used to who I am.  I have a remarkable life but things have happened so gradually and methodically that it feels very… normal.  Yet when I look back I remember that all of *this* started with wanting to wear panties.  I have been going out en femme for years and have done a lot of different things, whether shopping or attending a play or going to a museum or the gas station that I no longer think “OMG I AM OUT IN THE REAL WORLD”.  


Sometimes I forget I am trans when I am out, if that makes sense.  I forget that some people are seeing me as a t-girl whereas I am just… me.


I have become so accustomed to living my life in two different genders and having two separate lives because of that.  There is very little overlap, there are very, very few people in my boy life that know about my girl life.  When something like National Coming Out Day rolls around I am reminded that I have something to come out as.  It doesn’t always occur to me that I could come out to people in my boy life as something other than who they see.  


National Coming Out Day is a reminder of how complicated my life, and I suspect yours as well, is.  I am a little jealous of how simple it was for my brother to come out.  He said he was gay and everyone knew what that meant.  Sure, there were some questions and it took a little time for some family members to adjust but understanding he liked boys instead of girls was, well, simple, for lack of a better word.  When I came out to my mom it was a long conversation with a lot of qualifiers.  Yes, I am happy when I dress, no I am not unhappy when I am in boy mode.  Yes, I identify as a girl sometimes and no, I do not feel I was identified wrongly when I was born.  Yes, she has a name, and no, I don’t want to live my life as her exclusively.  And so on.  


It’s tiring and if I am being honest it’s frustrating.  I don’t blame my mom or others when I come out.  Questions are better than condemnation.  Trying to understand is better than anger.  Gender, in a binary sense has been around forever and will be with us for a very, very long time.  Colors, interests, clothes, cosmetics are all separated into things that are for boys or things that are for girls.  Any sort of variance or overlap isn’t common and many people would think it’s just… weird.  The straightest, toughest cismale in the world could wear a pink shirt and the expected comments and suppressed laughter will still follow.  A man willingly wearing to wear a dress, nail polish, whatever is met with bewilderment.  Why would a guy WANT to wear that?


National Coming Out Day is conflicting for those like us.  We have a hard enough time understanding this side of us, and it’s even harder for those who aren’t us.  Gender identity feels more complicated than sexual identity.  I’m sure it’s not, but I can only speak from my experiences.  In some ways I think it’s… well, not easier, but perhaps less complicated for those who have transitioned,  In some ways, there’s precedence for those who live their life as a different gender than the one they were identified as at birth.  Most people have heard of Laverne Cox, Chaz Bono, and Kaitlyn Jenner.  But there isn’t a lot of “famous people” who go back and forth between gender presentation.  


“I have always felt like a girl, so I decided to transition” is something that some of my friends have told me and have told their families.  To me, that sounds so simple.  I know it’s not and I am not trying to trivialize that conversation, please understand that.  I wish there was a simpler way to explain who I am, but I suppose that every non-cis person wishes that.  I just feel that there are so many facets to who I am.  Two days ago I walked around downtown Saint Paul in a beautiful dress, black stilettos, and a $75 makeover.  That night in “boy mode” I went to sleep in a nightgown and woke up this morning and put on a pair of femme leggings. To anyone that sees me, I am either in full girl mode, full boy mode (underdressing of course) or in boy mode wearing “girl clothes” (meaning femme jeans or going for a run in femme leggings).  Not many people in my life (either lives) sees more than one of these sides of me.  My wife does, but hardly anyone else does.  


I have accepted that I will likely never come out to more people in my boy life.  I would like to, sometimes I feel I am being dishonest with some of my oldest friends.  The thought of Hannah having coffee with people that only knew me exclusively as a boy sounds really nice.  


So, why not come out?  Well, it’s exhausting.  It’s usually worth it, though.  But there’s always a chance that some of the people in my life that I love would reject me.  Since I don’t feel that transitioning is right for me it sort of feels like that risk is too high, were I to come out and be rejected because of who I am.  I have known many people who I thought were supportive of every letter in the LGBTQ+ community only for them to crack a joke about a transperson.  It’s heartbreaking.  


I am proud of everyone who has come out, whether to their co-workers, their families, to their spouses, and to themselves.  It’s not easy to be who we are, believe me.  It creates an insane amount of overthinking and insecurity and fear.  I live with the anxiety that being who we are causes, even if I don’t feel it at every moment.  Although on a surface level my life en femme may look different than yours, please understand that we all live with the same feelings, the same conflicting emotions, the same challenges, the same yearning to be able to be who we are whenever we want and for as long as we want.  I would have loved to have met up with my mom for dinner after my photo shoot on Saturday, but I knew that were that to happen I would need to go home, wash off my makeup, and change back to boy mode before I could see her.  I like being bi-gender, I like who I am, I just wish the lines in my life weren’t as divided as the different sides of my closet.


Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I am making a contact sheet of resources for a friend of mine that cross dresses. Is there any resources you would highly recommend? Mental health, books to read, people to watch on YouTube or to follow on social media. He’s not looking for forums or dating sites, and that’s all I really come up with from search engines. Thank you!

Aren’t you sweet?

There are a ton of resources out there and so much depends on what your friend is looking for.


Some of us are really conflicted and confused and scared of who we are and what they want, or want to wear.  Some of us are wondering what this all means.  It kind of throws everything we know, or think we know about our whole sense of identity (gender and sexual among others) into question.  We may feel alone when it comes to this side of us.  If your friend is looking for support and friendship I would recommend looking for a local PFLAG group as well as reading and posting on crossdressers.com and transgenderheaven.com.  


Your friend will likely see that gender identity is different from one person to the next.  And even if your friend “just” crossdresses, there is a shift in gender identity from cis to transgender.  Your friend may not consider themselves transgender, and every transperson is different.  My identifying as transgender is different than Laverne Cox or many of my friends identifying as transgender.  Transgender doesn’t mean hormones, surgery or anything else.  It simply means (in my opinion) wearing or doing something that is outside the norms of societal gender behavior.  A boy wearing nail polish?  Trans.  Me wearing a nightgown?  Trans.  A drag queen?  Trans.  

Sorry, getting off topic.


If your friend is looking for help when it comes to mental help, please encourage them to speak with a gender therapist.


If your friend is looking for resources when it comes to finding clothes, there are many options out there.  En Femme, The Breast Form Store, Glamour Boutique, HommeMystere and Xdress are some of my favorites.  Make sure they know their measurements.  Of course, one does not need to limit their shopping options to designers who make beautiful, feminine clothes for the typical male body.  I have just as many dresses from DressBarn and Target as I do from the businesses I listed.


When it comes to books, I loved ‘The Lazy Crossdresser’ by Charlie Jane Anders.  This is a practical and light guide to wearing “girl clothes” and had a huge impact on me when I read it for the first time.  This might be out of print but you can usually find almost anything online.


In terms of social media, your friend will find that there are a lot of people like us who wear what we wear for a lot of reasons.  My Twitter followers, and who I follow on Twitter range from fetishists (I don’t follow people that are… aroused by this) to activists to gross horny dudes looking to hook up (I don’t follow them either) drag queens, makeup artists, to people like me who simply love to wear pretty clothes.  Some of the girls I follow online can be found in T-Girl Spotlight.

Well girls? Anything you think might help? Please comment!


Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Our heart’s desires come out after midnight.


When my wife and I were learning more about my gender identity, we would have these amazing, vulnerable conversations late at night (and often early into the morning) about how I felt, how she felt, and, well, about clothes and makeup.  These talks were often accompanied by a bottle or two of wine.  My wife was the first person who I really opened up to.  I came out to others previously but my wife and I really dug deep into how I felt and what I wanted.  Her questions and patience and honesty really helped me to feel safe when it came to discussing what it is simple and complicated at the same time.  


But that’s my wife.  She makes everyone feel safe and important.  After a lifetime of living with my feelings and desires I was tired of keeping this inside.  I was tired of keeping secrets.  It was a relief, and still is, to talk with her.  Wine can help, but I think what really allowed me to open up to her and challenge myself was having these conversations after a long day.  As my day progresses, I lose my filter and tend to say what I am thinking or feeling.  I don’t have the bandwidth (if you will) to blow off a difficult question.  I lose my defenses and i just become really honest with myself and ultimately, became honest with her.  


No, I never lied about this side of me.  I came out to her while we were dating and talked about I loved lingerie, and told her that was where it ended.  Of course, looking at who I am now it’s hard to believe that all of THIS was just about panties, but that is how I understood it.  Besides those rare occasions I bought a dress (that would ultimately end up quickly getting purged) I never really wore anything beyond bras and panties and heels at that point.  


Of course, these talks were not just about me.  She had feelings and thoughts about this side of me as well.  These late conversations were just as necessary for her as they were significant for me.  We were honest with ourselves and with each other after midnight in a different way.  I think we reveal what we want, how we feel, and who we are at the end of a long day.  Again, the wine helped.


But these days I don’t drink and can barely stay awake after 10pm, but I digress.


I get a lot of emails at night.  My website traffic is surprisingly high after I fall asleep.  I get more comments on my Flickr page and DMs on Twitter than I expected.  Whenever I read an email that was sent at three in the morning I am always surprised that anyone is still awake at that time.  Again, I am not as young as I used to be and forget that I used to be able to stay up that late.  A lot of the emails that I get at this time of night tend to be very very honest.  They can be very long and it’s not uncommon for the spelling to get a little careless as the email goes on.  I suspect the writer is probably having a drink which is fueling their courage to be honest about themselves or to help them send an email to someone they can relate to.  The sender will talk about how they’ve always wanted to wear panties but never were brave enough.  How they want to be honest with their wife but just are afraid of her reaction.  I imagine these messages are being sent long after their partners are asleep and they are going online and looking at sites they normally wouldn’t during the day.  


Again, wine helps.  Well, maybe not help, but it can cause someone to act without thinking, without restraint, but that is not always a good thing.


I usually respond to these emails and offer resources if they ask, or answer questions, or send links that I think would be helpful, whether it is for a gender therapist or where to find size 14 stilettos.  Sometimes I get a reply but if I do, it’s not uncommon for them to tell me to never contact them again and they have purged and they are no longer a crossdresser.  Good luck with that.  My guess is that they immediately regretted sending the email and want to pretend it never happened.  


And that’s fine.  You do you.


If you are reading this post on your phone while your wife is sleeping soundly next to you, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you.  This is who you are, this is who we are.  You can’t change what you want, this will not go away.  That might help you feel better, it might not.  You can choose to listen to this side of you, and what you decide to do is your choice.  But whether you accept this side of you, or pretend it doesn’t exist, please know that it is okay to be who you are.  It is a complicated life, your gender identity may or may not make anything easier, it is what it is.  


On a similar but possibly lighter note, I am surprised at how many DMs I get on Twitter with a photo of a dude’s penis asking “u up?”.


I’m probably not awake, but even if I was, my god, go away.  


Love, Hannah

Acceptance and Embracing

We know that “society” will never “accept” us. 


We can’t wait for “them” to let us know that crossdressing or wanting to wear a dress or lipstick or whatever we have tucked away in our dresser drawers or hidden in our closets is okay.  


Acceptance of who we are comes from ourselves.  Some of us accept who we are with giddy excitement. They embrace this side of themselves.  They have denied this side of themselves for too long until finally, finally they accept that they are who they are, that they love to wear lingerie or nail polish or the countless, wonderful things that they have dreamed of wearing.  For others, this acceptance comes with resigned reluctance.  They have fought this side of themselves for their entire lifetimes, thinking, hoping, and perhaps praying it would go away.  But it didn’t, and it won’t.  Some of us just stop fighting ourselves, they stop denying that this is a phase and this is who they are.  


We want this acceptance of ourselves.  Conflict, tension, denial can be very exhausting.  Thinking that there is something wrong with us is very depressing but this is who we are.  This is how we are wired, this is how we were born.  I cannot change my gender identity no more than I can change my age.  


We know that accepting this side of us is essential for survival.  Denying any part of ourselves can wear on us, it exhausts us, it consumes us.  Acceptance of oneself usually feels *AMAZING*.  A weight has been lifted, the missing piece of our identity falls into place, and a serene peace envelops us.  Hopefully we are happier.  I think most of us are.


Of course, not everyone wants to accept this side of themselves.  They are terrified that this is who they are, that this is not a phase.  The fear is that if they accept that there is something to their gender identity other than BEING A MAN, it may mean other things.  Does it mean we were born in the wrong body?  Does it mean you are gay?  Does it mean we are going to transition?  Well, maybe, but not necessarily.  It’s normal to jump to the conclusion that because there is a side of you that is typically seen as feminine that perhaps you do not fit the societal view of heterosexuality.  But really…?  Wanting to wear a nightgown does not mean that you are unknowingly attracted to men.


I do understand the need, the hope that society accepts us.  For many of us, there was a stigma with being anything that wasn’t masculine.  It’s quite silly.  There was a boy in my first grade who was really good at jumping rope.  It didn’t take long for some boys to decide that jumping rope was for girls and he was mocked all throughout grade school for being a sissy, for being a girl.  This, of course, is silly and harmful, the kid was just really good at jumping.  As I watched that kid get tormented for years, I learned that this side of me needs to stay a secret.  I never thought there was something wrong with me, but my life was hard enough as it was and I didn’t need to be ostracized because of what I wanted to wear.  It would be nice to live in a world where a boy could jump rope or wear nail polish without getting beat up.  
At some point we understand that society doesn’t, and never will accept us.  Sure, they many tolerate or even love drag queens or take sensitivity training at work about gender identity, but for those of us who simply like to wear lingerie that level of acceptance is never coming.  And it doesn’t need to.  What I wear to bed and under my clothes is no one’s business.  No one needs to know what kind of underwear I am wearing, whether it is boxers or panties.  Spoiler alert: it’s panties.


But our partners need to know.  Our partners need to know who we are.  All of who we are.  But this is not about that.  I have written a lot of the importance of being honest with our significant others in the past, but this is about why we crave that acceptance.
We want someone other than ourselves to tell us that it’s okay.  Even after we accept this side of us we will still go back and forth about it.  We may go from loving this side of us to wishing it would go away.  We have accepted this is who we are, but some of us may still wish that this side of us would vanish.  Spoiler alert: it won’t.


Our partners accepting this side of us… and liking this side of us are two different things.  Like us, our partners may come to the point where they have accepted that this is who we are.  “My husband likes to wear panties and he’s not going to change” is not an easy thing for our wives to say.  We want our partners to like this side of because most of us like who we are.  We know it’s a lot to ask, we know it’s a lot to take in.  We know that their man wearing panties (or whatever) is a big change.  We know how hard it is to be who we are, to accept who we are, and we must remember our partners are going to go through that agony, that confusion as well.  Putting someone we love through the same thing we put ourselves through is going to cause a lot of guilt.  It’s a lot to ask.  Even now I want to constantly tell my wife thank you for all she puts up with.  


We can accept ourselves, but liking, embracing this side of ourselves are not the same thing.  The same goes with our partners.  We want our partners to LIKE this side of us because it makes it easier.  We feel less guilt when we wear a nightie because our wives like it when we do.  Does my wife like this side of me?  She has long accepted that this is who I am.  It doesn’t phase her the way it did when I came out to her before we got married.  I think she is used to it which is not the same as resigning herself to it.  I think she likes we talk about makeup or styles or cute clothes.  I think she likes that I can give my thoughts on an outfit she’s wearing and knowing my perspective and opinion is coming from somewhere a little different because of my gender identity.  


But does she ever think “oh boy, I’m so glad my husband crossdresses and wears panties!”  No, I don’t think so.  I think she likes that this side of me makes me happy, and really, that’s enough.  It’s not much different than a wife being happy that her husband likes to play video games, watch football or something.  I don’t think there’s a lot of wives who are thrilled because their husband likes to fish.  They may be happy that their spouse has something, and does something, that makes them happy, though.


Some of us have partners that will dress to the nines with them and hit the town.  Some of us have partners who see our femme selves as their BFFs and go shopping with.  But for most of us, our partners accepting this side of us is the most we can ask for, and the most we can hope for.  I understand we want our partners to like this side of us, to be happy with this side of us.  I understand, believe me.  Accepting their partners as we are is not easy, and even if they do, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be difficult sometimes.


Love, Hannah  

Butterflies

The monarch butterfly can be found around milkweed plants, if you wanted to find one.

As beautiful as we are, girls like us are not like butterflies.

What I mean is that there is not a specific place to find us. One of the most common questions I am asked is where does someone go to meet a crossdresser or a t-girl? If I am asked this question by a chaser, I ignore them. We are not your goddamn fetish. If this question is asked by a girl like me, then it’s a little different.

It’s so important to have support and to know others like us. It’s pretty normal to feel alone and to think that there is no one on the planet that is like us, but that is simply not the case.

But where do you find others like us? If you are looking for support, I encourage you to find a local chapter of PFLAG. Crossdresser Heaven also has a pretty impressive list of resources. An LGBTQI+ nightclub or bar is also a pretty typical place to meet a girl like us.

But if the bar scene isn’t for you (and it’s not my scene), then what are your options? To be honest, it’s not like we all hang out at designated places. There are places I go to but I don’t necessarily shop there because of my gender identity. I go to Starbucks and Target because I need coffee and I need… Target stuff, but I don’t go to these places because I expect to see other t-girls. I go to museums and book stores, but to be honest, I rarely see other girls like me.

And even if I did, I would never approach someone that I thought was trans. You probably shouldn’t either.

If you are looking to make friends, then the internet is going to be your best bet. Transgender Heaven and Crossdressers.com are two of the best and most active forums out there.

Girls like us are everywhere… but we are probably in boy mode. When I go grocery shopping it’s not likely the cashier knows about my gender identity, just like I don’t know theirs.

Be safe.

Love, Hannah

Saturday in the Garden

Yesterday was a gorgeous, hot summer day. Not the best type of day to wear pads, forms, stockings, a wig, a gaff, and foundation, but this girl is happy to make some sacrifices to look cute. And I’m glad I wasn’t the only one since yesterday was the monthly MN T-Girl outing.

In these days of social distancing, our recent events have been primarily outside where we can…uh, distance ourselves socially. Thankfully it’s been a little easier to meet as a group since the weather has been cooperating.

Our monthly event for August was a visit to the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden. The Sculpture Garden is one of the most iconic places in the state and it was a beautiful way to spend a summer afternoon.

There were a total of ten of us and we wandered around the garden, looked at some amazing art, had some girl talk, took some great selfies, and just enjoyed being together.

Love, Hannah

Ice Cream Social Distancing

Yesterday was the monthly outing for The MN T-Girls. During the pandemic our events have been pretty small and low-key, and July’s event was very much in that spirit.

A small group of us met up for some ice cream at Nelson’s Ice Cream in Saint Paul because really, what’s better than ice cream on a hot summer night?

It was a lovely night and I am glad we have been finding small ways to stay connected.

Love, Hannah