God Bless the Wing Girls

According to the Urban Dictionary, a wing man is a friend that you can bring to a bar or party in order to find women more easily.

This past weekend at Pride I met a few wing girls. They didn’t visit the MN T-Girls booth with the intention of romance, though. But they all had similar stories.

I have a friend who is just now accepting that they are trans and she needs to meet others like her.

These girls are not much different than a wing man. Their goal is not to help their friend hook up, though. They are helping them find support and friends.

So we chat about the group and how our mission is to be a social and support group for other transfeminine people. Sometimes the wing girl was just scouting out different booths on behalf of her friend. Sometimes she would wave her friend over who was watching shyly further away.

Girls like us need girls like us.

But I think girls like us need cis friends, too.

Besides my brother, I’ve only come out directly to cis women. I say directly because when I came out to my siblings they in turn shared my revelation with their husbands. I knew that would likely happen and I suppose I could have asked them not to out me but from my perspective if I trusted them with my gender identity then I could also trust them to treat the information as confidential.

Aaand as far as I know they have.

My point is that, for the most part (and certainly not in all cases), cis women understand (as much as they can) us.

Buuut perhaps understanding isn’t the right word. Perhaps being able to relate is more appropriate. Many cis women can relate to wanting to look cute, wanting to feel beautiful. Being drawn to a pair of shoes.

Of course, this makes women sound very shallow and superficial and I don’t mean that at all. I mean, I have guy friends who are absolute fanatics about the newest Air Jordans or whatever and sleep outside of shoe stores so they can buy them on the first day.

Sometimes my wife playfully teases me and doesn’t understand why I choose to wear a bra and high heels when I don’t have to. Expectations and standards for men tend to be very low. Society, by and large, expects women to wear certain clothes and shoes and to present themselves in a certain way.

Don’t believe me? Look at the dress code standards that some corporations have for their employees and review the differences between men and women office attire. Of course, this has evolved and gotten more progressive over the years but not by much.

My sisters don’t really “get” this side of me (and that’s fine) but they can nod their head in agreement when we discuss how expensive foundation can be. Again, they don’t understand me, but they can relate to me.

I love talking to my t-girl friends for a lot of reasons, and one of the biggest reasons is that I don’t have to explain every nuance of who I am and why I wear what I choose to. They get it. I get them.

We accept each other unconditionally. Our conversations go beyond the whys and get right to the important stuff (like dresses and makeup, lol).

I love compliments by other t-girls because they can relate to how much work presenting en femme can be. And I love compliments from cis girls. Although they may not be able to specifically relate to how much work can go into contouring a traditionally masculine face to a face that appears to be more feminine, many can relate to just how much effort goes into looking like how one wishes to present.

So, to the cis girls out there who are looking for ways to support their new girlfriend, thank you.

Love, Hannah

Hello from Pride!

Yesterday the MN T-Girls made a fabulous return to Pride and it was a wonderful day. Organizing and preparing for Pride is a lot of work. I mean, we have to set up a tent! In heels! But we did it. Want to see?

Look at the beautiful t-girls and look. at. all. the. PINK.

And look at me!

Although preparing for Pride is a lot of work, once things are set up the fun really begins. It was a good day. The weather held, we chatted with a lot of people, and the T-Girls made me proud by talking with others about the group.

Every year as we struggle with driving metal stakes into the ground to secure the tent I promise myself that we are never doing this again but after a few minutes of being a part of the community I remember why we will be back.

Thank you to all of the MN T-Girls who helped make the day a success. Thank you to everyone who stopped by to say hi. It’s nice to know that we are helping others live their lives and find friendship and support.

Love, Hannah

Thoughts on Pride

So, Pride is this upcoming weekend. I mean, Pride is allll of June and many cities have Pride celebrations outside of the month but Minneapolis will have their Pride festival beginning later this week.

The MN T-Girls have had a booth/tent thing for a few years but last year due to COVID we skipped it but we went as festival goers to a scaled down event.

I love Pride. It’s amazing how… normal it feels to be there. When I am out en femme I feel comfortable but I also feel a little like an outsider. As far as I know, I am likely the only trans person in whichever boutique or coffee shop I am in but I am also usually the only girl in heels and a dress as well.

But Pride? Girl, I am underdressed at Pride. Between the drag queens and other fabulously dressed girls I feel I need to up my glam game.

I still feel a little on edge at Pride. In my boy life I have a lot of LGBTQIA+ friends and acquaintances that don’t know about Hannah and although I am certain they would be accepting and even enthusiastic about my gender identity I still would prefer not to go down that road.

Pride is about celebrating every letter in the LGBTQIA+ acronym but it’s also normal for cis and straight allies to come to festivals and cheer at the parade. Which is good. We need allies and we especially need allies who actually stand with us and go beyond simply saying they support us.

The edge I feel at Pride is mostly apprehension. Will I see someone at Pride that I don’t want to come out to? Maybe. Will a sudden strong gust of wind lift a tent off the ground again and cut me in the face leaving a scar that I still have? Maybe. Will this happen again? Maybe.

I’ve always been nervous and fearful about violence at Pride. It has happened and I think it will continue to happen. So far the worst of planned attacks have been prevented… so far.

I admit that stories like this give me pause and wonder if the MN T-Girls should even attend. The safety of girls like me at official T-Girl events is always my biggest concern, whether it’s about education about safely wearing a gaff or organizing events that will hopefully be without incident.

I suppose that’s the POINT of terror, to stop someone from living their lives. As a country we have the mentality of not giving into terroristic threats in all its forms, so there is that.

Pride is supposed to be a safe haven for all of us. Indeed, it’s sometimes the ONLY safe haven. It’s just a shame that even at Pride we have to be on edge.

Love, Hannah

MN T-Girls Return to Pride!

After two years of COVID, I am happy to announce that the MN T-Girls will be making an appearance at the Twin Cities Pride Festival!

As of this writing the festival organizers haven’t finalized their map as to where different booths will be placed, so please keep an eye on their website if you are interested in dropping by!

I would love to meet you!

Love, Hannah

It’s Pride Month In Case You Hadn’t Noticed

If you’ve poked around your social media today you may have seen a lot of businesses have changed their logo to incorporate the Pride flag. Like clockwork, many companies will do this to mark the start of Pride month.

I mean, that’s great and all. I think our community should absolutely be celebrated and supported. Perhaps I am being cynical and uncharitable but when a multi-billion dollar company says they support the LGBTQIA+ community, I ask myself HOW they do so.

Sure, they may have a diversity/inclusion committee on staff, but does their support extend beyond this? I am not asking for a parade or anything like that, I just want to know what they do to support us.

At the very least, I hope that a business isn’t hypocritical. It’s contradictory for a company to say they celebrate diversity but at the same time they donate money to politicians who support conversion therapy or those who vote to limit our basic rights.

Sure, it’s nice when Amazon has a “Support LGBTQIA+ voices” image on their website but the pessimistic part of me thinks that this is a thinly veiled attempt to just sell more stuff. A cursory, minimal gesture.

And YES, I KNOW a business has a goal of growing their business and they are trying to make as much as money as they can, but is Amazon, for lack of a better phrase, putting it’s money where it’s mouth is?

Well, let’s find out.

According to Business Insider:

At the same time, the company’s PAC split donations from 2019 to 2020, donating $659,000 to Democratic candidates and $648,500 to Republicans. More than $460,000 of those donations went to politicians who voted against the Equality Act.

Now, before you start blowing up my email and posting unhinged comments, the point of this little blurb is about donating money to people who voted against the Equality Act. It’s kind of hard to feel supported by a business that donates money to politicians who tried to stop this legislation.

The Equality Act was pretty straight-forward with its goals. According to congress.gov, the bill, in part, reads:

This bill prohibits discrimination based on sex, sexual orientation, and gender identity in areas including public accommodations and facilities, education, federal funding, employment, housing, credit, and the jury system. Specifically, the bill defines and includes sex, sexual orientation, and gender identity among the prohibited categories of discrimination or segregation.

I don’t know, but to me donating money to people who want to stop something like this is the opposite of supporting the LGBTQIA+ community.

Amazon isn’t unique in this hypocrisy. If you did enough research into publicly disclosed corporate donations it would be hard to find almost any company that isn’t contradictory in the celebrate Pride/financial contributions paradox.

This makes it tricky for someone like myself who wants to support LGBTQIA+ businesses and avoid those that, well, aren’t. I won’t eat at certain restaurants buuuut I do order from Amazon on occasion. By definition, this also makes me a hypocrite.

It would be almost impossible to live a life that cuts all financial ties to companies that have this contradiction. I wouldn’t be surprised if my mortgage holder pays lip service about celebrating Pride but making political contributions to people that don’t align with my values. Sure, I can stop going to a certain store but changing who my mortgage is with is not as simple.

At the end of the day, we just do what we can. Almost everything has been commercialized whether it’s Pride month or Christmas. It’s easy to be cynical.

Don’t let a business tell you to feel pride about who you are. It’s easy to forget that visibility for those in the LGBTQIA+ community was started by people who just were tired of being vilified and being attacked for being who they were and loving who they loved.

Love, Hannah

Graduation Day

The first MN T-Girls event was held in November 2013.

I think. I don’t know, I am not a historian.

Since then I have evolved in terms of my presentation, confidence, and identity. I went from nervously going out into the real world and only visiting LGBTQIA+ coffee shops to strutting downtown and through the biggest shopping mall in the state.

My evolution is not unique. This happens to us naturally. The more often we go out the more confident we become. The more we realize that *this* isn’t as big of a deal as we might think it would be. The first few times I went out en femme I was sure I would be yelled at and harassed.

I mean, not everyone that I interact with is happy to see a transperson, but there’s been much less (obvious) hate than I expected there would be.

Part of the reason for forming the T-Girls was remembering how scary it was to go out en femme the first few times. I hoped more of us would be ready to go out into the real world if they could do so in a group. Safety in numbers, after all.

Over the years I have seen girls like me make their first step into the real world. I have held their hand as they shook in fear of being in public for the first time. I have walked to the parking lot of so many shopping malls so a girl wouldn’t have to walk in alone. I have sat next to girls at restaurants who were too terrified to say a word.

I have seen girls cry from happiness of being in the real world and I have felt their joy of being out for coffee en femme. I have seen girls blossom and grow and embrace this side of themselves.

And then, sometimes, I never see them again.

At one point they were there for each and every monthly outing but one day they stopped coming.

And I wonder about them. I wonder if something happened to them. I wonder if they went back into the closet. I wonder if they are okay. I hope they are happy and safe.

Sometimes I do hear from them, though. And most of the time they’ve stopped coming for a pretty amazing reason… they don’t need the group anymore.

They joined the group to make friends, to get used to being in public, to learn about who they are, what they wanted. This was a part of their journey. But somewhere along the way they no longer felt that they needed to only do things with other girls like themselves. They felt safe being alone. The saw the world was more accepting of t-girls than they initially thought.

When this happens I think of it as graduation, in a way.

And I can relate. As I stated earlier I myself started going out en femme to t-girl friendly cafes and transgender support groups but now I go everywhere.

They’ve found the confidence to be themselves in a very complicated, bewildering world. Of course I will miss them but I am so happy for them.

Love, Hannah

Beauty and Art

This past weekend the MN T-Girls visited the Minneapolis Institute of Art for a lovely afternoon of coffee, girl talk, and of course, art!

I love art and as much fun as it is to get lost in a mall, there’s something so peaceful about wandering around a giant, beautiful building and stopping and admiring whatever catches your eye. I love doing this alone and I love doing this with friends.

It was a lovely, quiet afternoon… a nice little reprieve from the stresses of the world.

Love, Hannah

Love to Jaclyn

Hi girls,

We know this can be a lonely life and the world often seems like a harsh place. But you are not alone.

I came across a blog for one of our sisters named Jaclyn who posted a very sad and very upsetting message.

If you have a moment, please visit her blog and post a supportive and encouraging comment.

I hope she sees them.

Remember, help is out there.

Trans Lifeline is a national trans-led 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to improving the quality of trans lives by responding to the critical needs of our community with direct service, material support, advocacy, and education. Our vision is to fight the epidemic of trans suicide and improve overall life-outcomes of trans people by facilitating justice-oriented, collective community aid. 

Need to talk? Call! Our peer support hotline is run by and for trans people. We’re available 7am-1am PST / 9am-3am CST / 10am-4am EST. Volunteers may be available during off hours.

If you or someone you know needs to talk, please call.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

Hi Hannah. I’ve been following your blog for a long time and was asking for advice. I identify as a transgender woman. I was wondering how you came out to your family that you are transgender. I could really use the advice.

I’ve come out to maaaaaybe a dozen people in my life. Siblings, a parent, friends, girlfriends, and a roommate. Every time I’ve come out to someone it’s been a very different conversation from person to person. I have and have had different relationships and different dynamics with each person. I’ve come out to people for different reasons and there’s never been, not there ever will be, a conversation that works for every person in your life.

I came out to two different girlfriends because they HAD to know. I came out to a roommate in case she wondered why there was a nightgown hanging in the bathroom we shared. Both of these conversations were very different. Coming out to my girlfriend was complicated, my roommate? Not so much. She was very accepting and really didn’t care what I wore, just as long as I paid my share of the rent. I didn’t come out to every roommate I’ve ever had, but at the time I was just… tired of hiding this side of myself and I wanted to be able to wear what I wanted to in my own home.

My gender identity, like every non-cisgender person on the planet, has been a journey. I learn more about myself all the time and this was especially true in my youth. In grade school I was a boy who wore girl clothes. In junior high I learned the word ‘crossdresser’ and identified as such. In college I learned the term ‘transgender’ but it would be about twenty years before I identified as such. A few years ago I felt, and still feel, that ‘bi-gender’ is the six-inch patent black stiletto that fits best.

As I mentioned, every person I’ve had The Talk with has been different. But the commonality is that when I came out I came out as a crossdresser, not as someone who is transgender. These conversations were, if I want to oversimplify it, me revealing that I was a boy who wore girl clothes. These talks were alllll about clothes and nothing to do with gender identity. It was about what I DID and what I WORE and not about who I AM. If that makes sense.

I came out to my mom and siblings as a crossdresser about ten years ago. If I had that conversation today I would come out as transgender. Although I consider a crossdresser as someone who is indeed transgender, I’ve never come out in real life as a t-girl.

Essentially I have ZERO experience in coming out as transgender, ironically.

When someone is preparing to come out, there are a few things I would recommend keeping in mind:

Every person you come out to will react differently. If they respond positively and supportive it doesn’t mean the next person you go out to will react the same way… the opposite is also true.

Every time you come to someone, no matter how many times you do so, will be a new and different conversation.

Prepare for the worst.

Be gentle. This conversation will likely forever change your relationship with them and will, in a sense, rock their world.

Don’t come out if you feel it will be unsafe. If you are living at home and you think there’s a chance your parent will, well, react badly and you think you may find yourself thrown out of your home or that your life will be a living hell, then coming out MIGHT not be a good idea. If this is your situation, rest assured it will get better in time.

Talk to a gender therapist or if you are a student, a school counselor if you feel it is safe. Some states require school counselors to report to the parents of a student that comes out to them as anything other than cisgender or heterosexual. Know your state’s laws.

Don’t get your hopes up. This, of all the advice I’ve ever given, is what I wish I had kept in check for me personally. I love my sisters and I wanted nothing more for them to see Hannah as their sister. I dreamed of days shopping and getting a coffee with them but that hasn’t happened, annnnnd it probably won’t. My sisters are fine people and are supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community, but it can take some… getting used to when a family member comes out.

Know WHO you are, as best as you can. When I came out (again, as a crossdresser) I was asked a lot of the same questions from everyone I came out to. I imagine I would be asked the same questions if I were to come out as transgender. Be prepared for the normal questions about sexual identity and transitioning. It’s okay if you don’t know the answers to questions like these, but be prepared for them.

I hope this is helpful. There’s no roadmap to coming out but you can prepare.

Be safe and good luck.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Why Having a Crossdressing Husband is the Most Stressful Thing EVER

Okay, fasten your garter belts, this is a loooong one.

Look, if I have a, hm, a mission statement when it comes to my website is that I try to be supportive, realistic, and honest. I feel I am fairly self-aware and not oblivious to how who we are impacts our lives and the relationships that we have, particularly the relationships we have with our significant others. I want to be sincere and real when it comes to this side of us, whether it’s how humbling and how wonderful who we are is, or how to accept that passing isn’t real and that the world loves us and hates us more than we could possibly imagine.

This side of us is complicated. It doesn’t always make our life or our relationships any easier. I am not saying it can’t or won’t, but I think we all can relate to how our gender identity likely caused some stress and tension and uncertainty at some point in our lives.

It can also create, for lack of a better term, an identity crisis. Most of us wonder who we are at some point in our journey. Am I a crossdresser? Am I transgender? Am I gay? Am I a lesbian when I am en femme? Am I in denial? Is this is a phase? Oh, this list goes on.

Questions about identity and labels can be confusing and overwhelming. It’s typical to overthink them. I know I do. It’s normal to not care about labels but the next day we are back to pondering which label suits us best and what that label means.

And goodness, this is stressful, but this is a side of us that has likely always been there. We may be comfortable and confident with who we are. It may have taken decades but at some point we will likely get to a place, mentally and emotionally, where we are secure with who we are in terms of gender identity. In some instances we have adapted to the stress and have learned to live with it.

But as stressful at this is for us, it’s… it’s a lot for our significant others. No matter how often I assured my wife that I did not want to transition, it took a long, long, long time for her to see that I didn’t want to take that step. And the time it took for her to be at peace with who I am also came with fears, doubts, and tears.

Not only do I try to be realistic about this side of us when it comes to clothes and how we present and the expectations and hopes and dysphoria that who we are brings, I also try to be realistic when it comes to how our gender identity can impact our relationship with our significant others.

I get emails from partners of crossdressers who have fears and questions. These emails may even come from YOUR wife. It’s not uncommon to read an email that begins with “my husband reads your website” or to see that someone found my site by searching the words “my husband crossdresses”.

I do my best to be gentle. I try to be sincere and kind. Rose-colored panties YES, rose-colored glasses NO. Sugar coating this side of us does little good. I can recall when my wife looked for support and resources when it came to her trying to understand this side of me. The internet wasn’t much help and often amplified her fears. Yes, I told her that this wasn’t a sexual thing, but Google “helpfully” provided her with dating websites about hooking up with a crossdresser. Thanks, internet.

Sometimes the search results come off as tooooo light-hearted and naïve to be helpful. I wrote about this recently and it inspired me to try to write a similar list with hopefully a little more of a realistic perspective.

The purpose of this list is to acknowledge that this side of one’s significant other is likely going to be stressful, overwhelming, and confusing, to say the least. Our partners have questions, fears, and a lot of thoughts and emotions about who we are. It does little good to downplay any of these things. I am going to be as honest and as gentle as I can in this little (well, it’s not little at all) list as I can be.

This is also the longest thing I have ever written in MY LIFE. This post has been compiled by the many emails I have received over the years from wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancées, partners, and significant others. This took a long time to write and organize and variations of many of these questions have been posted on my website previously. Rest assured every question here has been previously asked of me over the years, although they may not have been posted before.

A couple of things:

-I can only speak for myself, my perspective, and my experience. My thoughts are based off my life as a trans person as well as from my marriage. Your relationship is YOUR relationship and I would never presume to be THE voice of authority when it comes to relationships, crossdressing, or when these two worlds collide. If you’d like my wife’s perspective on all of this, she did a little question and answer post here.

-I will absolutely encourage a partner of a crossdresser to seek our support if you need it, and you probably will. This part of your life can be very lonely. It’s not something that you may feel comfortable discussing with your friends. You may feel embarrassed that your big, tough husband who likes to hunt and fish also likes to wear panties. This is a normal feeling. I promise. A wonderful resources is PFLAG who offer support groups for people who have a family member who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

-Oh, I guess another thing. I am speaking in very, very broad terms here. I know that many relationships are positively impacted by *this* side of a person. There are many instances where this can bring two people closer together. And that’s wonderful! This can often happen. However, this list is for our partners who are struggling with coming to terms with this side of us.

-Wait! One more thing. This post may come off as a little harsh on crossdressers. I don’t mean it to be. Obviously I am a crossdresser and I love who I am. The vast majority of us are wonderful, kind, sensitive, considerate people. We have a side of us that makes us ridiculously happy but are fully aware of how difficult this part of us is for someone else to understand and accept. We know that what we wear causes a lot of stress and anxiety for our partners. We have a lot of empathy for our significant others. Wearing panties or nail polish or whatever we are drawn to makes us very happy but we also know that our significant others will struggle with this side of us. We don’t want to be a burden, we don’t want to put more stress on our partners, especially when it comes to something like this. So, we sometimes suppress this side of us, we try to stop crossdressing, we deny who we are. We do these things because we love our partners and we don’t want to hurt them, confuse them, or scare them. This is not typically meant to deceive our partners. We love our partners so much that we will try to be the best people that we can be and try to be the person we think our partner wants. We try our hardest to quit crossdressing. It’s not likely that will happen. But we still try. Our intentions may be good, but in retrospect we usually realize that yes, we should have been upfront at the beginning about who we are, what we wear… and everything else.

Okay, here we go.

Do I have to accept this? Do I have to let him crossdress?

Nope.

No one should stay in a relationship or incorporate something into it that they do not like or are comfortable with. If this side of your man, or any part of him or your relationship makes you unhappy, angry, turned off, or anything else, then you are under no obligation to “let” him crossdress.

This side of your man is likely not going to go away. He is likely not going to change. Even if it’s been a decade since he last slipped on a pair of panties and he never does so ever again, he is (in my opinion), and will always be, a crossdresser. If you are going to stay in the relationship or try to figure out where to go from here, then both of you will need to communicate on a level that you never have before. Many, MANY couples seek our counseling when this revelations comes to light.

The two of you may set boundaries, you may establish “ground rules”, you may adopt a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” agreement. You may ask him to never bring this up ever again. You might even file for divorce.

Crossdressing can sometimes be a deal-breaker. However, it’s usually not the crossdressing itself that ends a relationship. Sometimes there is lying involved with this side of someone that as a couple can be hard to recover from.

You may be hurt or angry that he didn’t disclose this side of him earlier. It would have been nice if he had told you about this before you bought a house and had three kids.

Your man is still the same man that he was before he came out to you. But you’ll see him differently, you’ll think of him differently. This is normal. This will often lead to you seeing in a different light, in a different perspectice.

And you may not like it.

This isn’t what you signed up for, in a sense.

But many couples do indeed make *this* work. If you are going to try to make this work or wishing to understand this side of him, then keep reading.

-Why is he like this? Why does he do this? Why does he want to wear a bra when I can’t wait to make mine off?

These are, unfortunately, mostly unanswerable questions. For the most part, the answers for these questions aren’t really satisfying. There’s really no “one size fits all” reason your man wears panties or anything else.

First, it’s important to know WHAT crossdressing is. So, let’s learn together.

Oh, you’re back!

Let’s get this reason out of the way. For some men, this is a sexual kink for him. Bluntly, it turns him on. It arouses him. It may be difficult to relate to this. You may wear heels because you *have* to and you look forward to kicking them off as soon as you get home. You may put on your bra and think about taking it off all day. If you feel this way it may seem strange that these same uncomfortable items could arouse someone.

If this is indeed a fetish for him (and it isn’t always) then please know that when someone is aroused by something it’s because… well, that is simply how they are wired. Fetishes and kinks typically develop at an early age. We see… SOMETHING and we are immediately intrigued by it. We look at it and we… react to it in a different way than other people do. For some, a glove is something you wear to keep your hands warm. For others, it’s the most erotic piece of clothing in the world. Fetishes rarely make sense.

In many movies and television shows, crossdressing is almost always showed as a kink. However, for most of us it’s not a fetish. We may feel beautiful, but this is not the same as feeling aroused.

If this isn’t a kink (and for some of us we THINK this side of is “just” a kink, at least initially) then it becomes even more complicated. For some of us we look at clothes as just something that can be worn and we don’t care if a piece of clothes is designed for a man or a woman. We just wear what we want, what we find comfortable, and what fits. For some of us, we just like to feel beautiful. Feeling beautiful is a different feeling than feeling handsome. For others, we want to wear something BECAUSE it’s “for girls” but this is more typical of men who crossdress as a kink, but this isn’t always the case.

For some of us, it’s just… fun and everyone has a different idea of fun. I have friends who watch golf for God’s sake and I would rather go to work than sit in front of a television while some man smacks a little white ball around.

Crossdressers tend to have a different relationship and perspective on clothes than what many cis women have. To you, a bra is a bra, or even a torture device. To me, a bra is beautiful and I am so happy when I wear one. Of course, you and I probably wear bras for different reasons.

Your man isn’t this way because of any childhood trauma. He may have a… ah, challenging relationship with his mother but that didn’t lead to him wanting to wear a dress.

So! In summary, there’s no real reason he is who he is. There’s no ONE reason EVERY crossdresser crossdresses. We are all uniquely and frustratingly different. I know that this doesn’t help and I’m sorry I can’t be more insightful but if it helps, there’s nothing “wrong” with your man.

-Will this side of him… keep going?

Maybe?? Today he told you that he likes to wear panties Will be be taking estrogen in a year? Maybe?? But not necessarily. I’ve been wearing what I wear for decades but never have I felt the need to even consider hormones.

This was my wife’s fear. It was her fear for YEARS. No matter how often I reassured her she was still afraid. However, it’s been almost twenty years since I came out to her and the needle on estrogen or transitioning hasn’t twitched at all.

We are all on a journey. You, me, your husband, your best friend, the co-worker that you despise. Every person in your life is at a different point in their lives and our journeys are all different from each other.

Look, I HATE the word ‘journey’. It makes it sound like your husband is on a magical adventure and inaccurately suggests that he is on a beautiful path of discovery and that this is nothing but fun and rainbows. Every journey that someone is on is fraught with challenges and fears and self-doubt and mistakes and setbacks.

It’s okay if you hate this side of your man. It really is. You are allowed to. You are allowed to be angry and hurt and to feel whatever you’re feeling (not that you need anyone’s permission to feel anything). You do not have to be enthusiastically cheer him on. You are not obligated to join him in dressing up. Just as he is navigating this side of himself and trying to figure out who he is and what he wants and how *this* will factor into his life, you will do the same thing.

He may wear a nightgown tonight, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he will put on a skirt when he wakes up tomorrow. Most crossdressers will only underdress (meaning they only wear panties under their boy clothes) and will never wear anything else. Ever.

His journey could indeed go down different paths, however not every journey is leading to estrogen or transitioning.

When I came out to my wife while we were dating, *this* side of me was all about panties and lingerie. And today I am at a very different point in my life, my journey, my gender identity. This… progression, from panties to who I am today caused my wife a lot of stress. More stress than I will probably ever know. I told her often that I didn’t want to transition or take hormones BUUUUT it wasn’t easy for her to believe as she watched me go from *just* panties to shopping for a wig and adopting a femme name in only a few months. Of course she wondered and feared for where *this* was going. Who wouldn’t think or feel those things? It was hard for her to believe me when I told her that I wasn’t going to transition because from her perspective I just… kept going. From panties to a dress to makeup to a wig to… where I am today.

Hopefully your man is being honest with who he is and what he wants. If he is being truthful about who he is and what he wants, then this is who he is and what he wants as of today. Could this change? Yes. Will it? Maybe not.

-Is he lying? Did he lie to me? Will he lie in the future? Will he cheat?

Maybe? Probably? He may not have meant to lie. Please understand, there’s no excuse for lying. And yes, he absolutely should have told you about this side of him before you were engaged or moved in together or gotten married or had children together. For most of us, this is a part of us that… hm, develops early in our lives. We usually become aware of this side of us at a young age. He PROBABLY knew about this side of him before you two met.

He may have been in denial about this side of him. He may have hoped he could have…. ah, controlled this side of himself and suppressed his need, his want, to wear whatever it is that he likes to wear.

But this side of your man probably isn’t going to go away. He will likely always want to wear panties. Even if swears he will never ever wear panties again, I can almost guarantee he will think about wearing them every time he helps with laundry or passes by Victoria’s Secret in the mall.

Is he still lying (or at least not being completely forward) even though he has come out to you? Maybe? This side of us is… huge. It’s complicated. It’s hard to comprehend and explain. We may… downplay this side of us because we don’t want to scare you, drive you away, or overwhelm you. Your husband loves you and is trying to be gentle. I’ve done this. However, he does need to be transparent and honest about *this* as much as he can. And for all you crossdressers reading this, I absolutely understand that is much, much easier said than done.

If he lied, will he lie again? It’s natural to think that if your partner wasn’t honest (or at least not as forthcoming as they should have been) about something in the past that they will lie about it in the future. If you have a difficult time believing him about *this* please know that this is understandable and expected. It doesn’t make you a bad or untrusting person.

It’s NORMAL. If my wife lied about how much money she spent on, oh I don’t know, lottery tickets, of course I would have a hard time believing her whenever she went to the casino. Not that she is an out of control gambler mind you, but you know what I mean.

Relationships are hard. None of them are completely perfect. It’s okay if you accept your husband’s crossdressing but have a hard time believing he is always truthful about it. It’s okay if you understand that he is who he is but hate that he does this. Listen to your heart and trust your instinct. Acceptance of something isn’t always being happy about it. It’s often an acknowledgment that this is who he is and he isn’t (and probably can’t) change who he is.

And accepting that your husband crossdresses is essentially knowing that this side of him isn’t going away. Accepting doesn’t necessarily mean approval or supporting him or buying him panties. You can accept that your man wears panties, and you can reluctantly do so. Acceptance is often done reluctantly.

Will he cheat? I don’t think there’s necessarily an overlap between crossdressing and infidelity. But this is a normal fear. I promise. If crossdressing is a kink and arouses him, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he wants to wear lingerie and then want to have sex or masturbate. Will he want to have sex while he wears a bra and panties? Will be want to wear lingerie during sex? Probably. On some level, even if this is a kink, he wants to share this part of him, his life, with you. Let’s face it, when someone has a sexual kink they probably want to engage in that kink as much as possible and they likely want you to be INTO it, if you know what I mean.

Please know that consent is ESSENTIAL. If you are not comfortable with seeing your man in lingerie, or if it kills the mood, then you are under no obligation to be intimate to have sexy time with him. Hopefully he understands. It might be a disappointment and he may be pissy about it, but people need to be on same page when it comes to the big and important things, including intimacy.

You may be afraid that if you don’t… indulge or participate in his crossdressing while you’re intimate that he might seek out someone else to “play” with. Listen: if he cheats it’s not your fault. You are not responsible for his infidelity. You are not obligated to go along with ANYTHING you are not comfortable with.

Related reading:

Ask Hannah!

-Will he wear my clothes?

Maybe?? He probably has. I know I tried on my girlfriend’s clothes when she wasn’t home. This can feel a little violating and it’s okay to not be okay about this.

-He says he only likes to wear lingerie and insists he does not want to transition or wear other clothes. Is he in denial?

Mmmmm, probably not in denial, but it’s possible he MIGHT be downplaying all of this. If he is, it’s possibly because he is trying not to overwhelm you or scare you off. Yes, he should be disclosing EVERYTHING but in his own way he is trying to be gentle with you.

This side of someone is a LOT to take in. It’s a lot for our partners. Crossdressers know this. More than likely your man has gone his entire life without coming out to someone or talking about this side of him and now the floodgates are open and he is struggling to find the right words to voice his feelings.

It’s also likely he himself is overwhelmed and scared of his biggest secret being shared with someone, especially the most important person in his world.

It’s possible in a week, in a month, in ten years he may disclose that he also wants to wear, or already does, dresses or makeup. He may be easing you into this part of his life. He also may be testing the waters, so to speak, and wanting to see how you will react to him wanting to wear panties before the other stilettos drops.

-Is he transgender?

That is up to him.

When someone comes out for the first time, or early on in the aftermath of coming out, there’s a lot of uncertainty and, well, fear, when it comes to labels. For some of us, the “T Word” is scary and we are reluctant to identify as trans.

In my opinion yes, a crossdresser falls under the transgender umbrella. But please know, and even take solace in this if it helps, transgender doesn’t always mean transitioning or taking estrogen or feeling you are in the wrong body.

-What is he REALLY doing online?

Who knows?

When I am online I could be scrolling through Facebook, looking at the news, shopping for a new dress, or even doing actual work. I might be emailing one of Hannah’s friends or updating my website. I don’t hide my browser history, my wife could log into my laptop or phone anytime she wanted and look at what I am doing. This is not to say that she would or that your partner must disclose his passwords or whatever to his email. I just feel that, well, I have nothing to hide. My wife knows about everything. She sees what is in my closet, she reads my website, she brings in packages sent from En Femme and Xdress.

Years ago I visited a lot of crossdressing centric websites such as crossdressers.com. In fact, you may wish to create am account and poke around the forums if you wanted to get a little more insight into what this side of us may be about. I believe there’s even threads on there for partners of crossdressers.

I visited these websites for a few reasons.

-I was looking for resources for where to buy clothes that fit.

-I was looking for advice for makeup or tucking or walking in heels.

-I was looking for support, friendship, and for others like myself. People who could relate to the happiness and confusion and challenges that crossdressing can bring. Many, many of us are tormented by how this side of us can hurt and impact our significant others. It may look like all we care about are cute dresses and being pretty but the guilt we have over how this can make our partners feel is quite significant.

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you think your man might be looking for someone to hook up with if he is spending time on crossdressing websites. There is a very prominent portrayal of crossdressing as sexual and it can be misleading that this side of us is all about sex. The fetishistic side of men wearing lingerie has been a staple for decades and it will be for a very, very, very long time. I mean, lingerie for all genders is pretty synonymous with sex. This is how people like your man, like myself, have been portrayed in media since I can remember.

Obviously I don’t know exactly what he is looking at online, but it might not necessarily for sexual stimulation. I mean, he MIGHT be but it’s not a foregone conclusion.

It also wouldn’t be a surprise if you are tempted to, or have already looked at his browser history or read his emails. I am not here to condone or encourage this, but I can tell you I absolutely understand wanting to do so. Getting off topic for a smidgen I was dating a girl who I was almost certain was cheating on me. It drove me mad thinking one thing but being told another. It consumed me, to be honest. She wasn’t good at lying but was insistent she was faithful and told me I was being paranoid and insecure. I am not proud of this but I logged into her email and learned my suspicions were correct. Strangely this calmed me as it confirmed that my instincts were right. I wasn’t being paranoid. I wasn’t crazy. I never confronted her about this and we broke up shortly after. Again, I am not proud of this… but I get it. Promise.

-Is he gay?

Probably not.

This is likely the most common question and fear that you have.

Regardless of pink or how frilly or how lacy or feminine his panties are, his sexuality likely hasn’t changed.

However.

Does he want to have sex with a man or another crossdresser? Maybe??

I want to be as gentle as I can be, but there are some crossdressers who are… open to the idea of being with a man when they are dressed up. Not necessarily because they are ATTRACTED to another man, but, well, having sex with a man might make them feel more feminine. Your man MIGHT (and again not all crossdressers feel this way) want to be sexually treated like a woman when he is wearing lingerie or dressed from wig to heels.

I feel more feminine when a man holds a door open for me or when a man addresses me as “ma’am”. For some crossdressers a man showing a sexual interest in them makes them feel more feminine and that MAY lead to a man wanting to have sex with another man when they probably have zero interest in this when they are in “boy mode”.

It’s…. hm, in a way similar to someone who hates dancing but when they’ve had a few drinks they hit the dance floor. If that makes sense.

Some crossdressers tell me they are straight when they are presenting as a man, but identify as bisexual when they are dressed up. The reality is that their sexuality didn’t change when they changed their clothes. In my opinion they are feeling a little less inhibited when they are en femme compared to when they are dressed in boy clothes which makes someone feel a little more… receptive to things.

Some of us want so badly to feel feminine, to be treated as a woman, that we go to lengths that we didn’t think were possible. Sometimes the things we do betray our values and vows.

-Am I not feminine enough for him?

Please understand that I want to be as gentle as I can with these responses, especially with this one. But his crossdressing has nothing to do with what you wear or how feminine you are. He is not wearing sexy lingerie or bold makeup because his partner isn’t. He is not lacking femininity in his life. He is not compensating for any lack of “girl things”.

If anything, part of what attracted you to him was how pretty you are. Crossdressers NOTICE what someone is wearing. When I look at a woman in the real world I am noticing her shoes and her clothes. I notice her makeup. When I met my wife I was attracted to her cuteness, her sense of humor, her personality, and yes, how she dressed. I still am. She has always dressed cute and given how much I love girl clothes it was easy to fall in love with her style, among her other attributes.

-He keeps spending our money on clothes and is CONSTANTLY talking about crossdressing and when we have sex he’s the one that wears lingerie and I HATE it.

Yes, this happens a LOT, especially after he first comes out. When a crossdresser comes out he feels an enormous weight lifted off his shoulders. It’s likely he has been keeping this inside for decades and now that he has told someone it’s like the dam has burst. He feels relieved. He can talk about something that is a major part of his life and yes, he probably won’t shut up about it.

Unfortunately as much of a relief this is to him, it’s absolutely overwhelming to you. This likely came out of nowhere, whether he came out to you or you discovered this for yourself. After he comes out you likely need a drink, and some time to process it. This is absolutely normal. You may miss how things were “before”. You may want to pretend the conversation didn’t happen. You may never, ever want to discuss it again.

The weight has lifted from his shoulders… but passed it to yours.

There will be times when this is the last thing you want to talk about but he keeps going on and on and on about a dress he saw at the mall. Your man is lost in the Pink Fog. He is so absorbed in his crossdressing he literally can’t stop thinking about it, talking about it, and possibly DOING it. He will miss your nonverbal cues when the subject comes up. He brings it up ALL THE TIME. And it’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It feels like he is being selfish. You just want a normal night in but he keeps talking about the makeup the actresses are wearing in the show you’re binging.

And the shopping! Packages are being delivered, there are new panties in his drawer almost every day, and your shared bank account it taking a hit. Again, the Pink Fog.

So, what do you do? Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you feel again. And again. Just as he may miss your non-verbal cues he may be so absorbed by his crossdressing that it might take several conversations for him to get it. He is acting really differently and, let’s be honest, it’s really annoying and frustrating. And yes, communicating with your partner isn’t always easy. It’s sometimes hard to be direct. It’s challenging to find the right words to say. Again, this is when counseling can be very beneficial.

Sex needs to be about consent. You might want to be the one wearing pretty lingerie in bed. You may be turned off by seeing your man in a bra. Why is he wearing lingerie during sexy time? Three reasons:

-It turns him on

-He is hoping for a little… role play. He may want to “be the girl” in bed. He might have a lesbian fantasy. You many not want this AT ALL. If this happens (and it might) then clear and direct communication is key. Conversations about what happens in the bedroom, whether it is about wardrobe or anything else can happen before, during, and after intimacy.

-It makes him feel beautiful and we all want to feel beautiful during intimate moments.

Regardless of WHY he’s dressed the way he is in bed, if it makes you uncomfortable or you simply don’t like it, then he should stop.

-Will someone see him shopping for panties at the mall? Will someone see his bra strap under his shirt? Will our kids see his high heels in our closet?

Maybe?? Realistically these things could absolutely happen. My wife’s fear (and this is one I absolutely share) is someone we know seeing me buying a skirt at Target or shopping in the lingerie department. This is where the two of you need to set boundaries. I do most of my shopping online, to be honest. When I am en femme I go to malls and parts of the city where it is less likely I will encounter someone that my wife or I know.

Bra straps are almost always visible. There’s always the risk of the pink waistband of his panties peeking out of his jeans. Since I underdress (wearing panties) when I am in “boy mode” (which is most of the time) I am careful when I am stooping down lest the lacy waistband is visible. This has become second nature. Again, this is where boundaries and communications are crucial. If you are afraid of these things then you need to tell him. And hopefully he will listen.

And kids? Kids tend to be curious and tend to snoop around. I know I did when I was young. I was always going through my mom’s closet but I was always looking for a dress to try on. This is when your man needs to continue his… ah, vigilance, I suppose. For years he hid this side of himself and likely became very good at hiding his clothes and he will need to continue to do so if you don’t want your kids to find out.

-I am an ally and advocate of the transcommunity… but does being conflicted about my husband make me a hypocrite?

No.

You may be confused by this side of your man. It may even anger you. You may even hate it. This is a side of your partner that is hard to understand and is even harder to accept. You may be at a point where you accept that this is who he is and have accepted that this is a part of his life and therefor a part of your relationship, but you may never be “okay” with it. You are perhaps feeling terrified where this is going and what else he isn’t telling you. This side of him may have led to him being less than truthful about things. Again, it’s not always the crossdressing itself that is damaging, it’s finding out he’s been lying to you about SOMETHING.

Some crossdressers tell their wives they are going to Las Vegas for a work convention but in reality they spent a long weekend visiting a makeup artist and wearing a cute dress on the strip. Lies like these are what’s damaging and often impossible to heal from.

You likely know that people can’t choose their sexual orientation or gender identity. You can’t STOP being gay or feeling you were born in the wrong body. Someone like myself can’t STOP being who I am or wanting to wear what I want to wear. You may feel conflicted between knowing he can’t stop being who he is and not liking this side of him at the same time.

Still, even knowing that he can’t change this part of him it doesn’t mean you HAVE to accept it or allow it. The reality is that this side of your partner may not be something you want in your relationship. We all need stability from our partners. If your man isn’t sure of his gender identity then, well, he needs to figure that out. This is his journey and it’s not one you HAVE to take with him.

-What does he want or need from me?

What he wants and what he needs are two different things.

Typically.

Ultimately what he needs (even if he doesn’t realize it) is your honesty and communication. What he (probably) wants is for the two of you to go shopping together, to get makeovers, and have a girls night.

If you do not want to see him wearing panties, tell him how you feel. And yes, this is easier said than done. When we come out to our partners we feel… well, it feels like exhaling. We have been holding our breath for perhaps decades. It’s possible he will become so… enthralled with coming out that it’s a little like a bird being freed from a cage. Unless it’s very, very clear to him that this side of him is not to be discussed, he may talk endlessly about it. And yes, this will likely get annoying. It’s irritating whenever you have someone in your life that talks and talks and talks about the same thing ALL THE TIME, no matter if it’s about a podcast, work gossip, politics, or lingerie.

It’s even more grating when it’s a subject you feel conflicted or overwhelmed by.

What he (probably) needs are boundaries. Very clear rules (if you will) about how his crossdressing will factor into your relationship. He may have a hard time abiding by them, to be honest. I know I did. When I first started to wear dresses and makeup I would drive my wife crazy with only discussing clothes. She was still processing who I was and was easily (and understandably) overwhelmed and exhausted by the seemingly non-stop conversation about pretty dresses. I wasn’t paying attention to her cues to, well, give it a rest. I came off as selfish and self-centered. She often had to be more direct with me about my crossdressing than about other things.

You may hope that he picks up on your reaction or non-verbal body language when he talks about crossdressing or when he is dressing up, but there’s a good chance he may be so lost in The Fog that he isn’t paying as much attention to the rest of his world that he normally would. And I am just as guilty about this as anyone else.


Wow, are you still here?? How long did it take for you to read this? It took FOREVER to write and I am glad we went on this journey together. I like to think we discovered something about ourselves and the real treasure was the lessons we learned along the way.

In all seriousness, I hope this was helpful. I’ve written more about marriage and crossdressing here. I don’t presume this will cover all of your circumstances, questions and fears. This is, admittingly, a very surface-y perspective on many of the emails I get from spouses and significant others, including the emails YOU sent 🙂

Love, Hannah