Mom Hugs

Pride Festivals are wonderful things, especially when you want to see just how much support, how many allies we have.  Of course, it’s not possible to know for sure who is and who isn’t a member of the LGBTQ+ community (at Pride or anywhere) but sometimes an ally is easy to spot.  The moms who come to Pride with t-shirts that say “Free Mom Hugs”?  Probably an ally (but again, impossible to know for certain that mom isn’t LGBTQ+).  Same with those wearing “Free Dad/Free Sister Hugs” shirts, too.  


I am…well, fascinated (jealous?) of moms like that.  I think almost all of us have complicated relationships with our parents, but perhaps I am just projecting.  I wasn’t the favorite child growing up and that dynamic has more or less lived on decades later.  I think things are…thawing between my mom and I and for the most part we have a good, healthy relationship, as long as, you know, THIS side of me isn’t brought up.  I’ve come out to her, both on purpose and, well, by accident and despite my efforts it’s been made pretty clear Hannah isn’t really someone my mom wants to know.


And that’s… okay.  I have made peace with it.  Not everyone is going to love you (or your femme self).  I wish things were different but again, I’ve made peace with it, although I have to admit I’ve had a couple “Mom Hugs” at Pride.


But I digress.


Like most things I think about, this little post is about clothes.  But this time it’s not about bodycon dresses or sky-high stilettos, it’s about a simple shirt.  A shirt that reads “I Love My Trans Kid”.  It’s not an uncommon shirt to see at Pride and I saw many moms (and dads) wearing it at last week’s Pride Festival.  Usually the parent was with a kid who was, well, a kid.  Think teenager or younger.  The age isn’t a surprise.  I’ve known and accepted this side of me at a young age.  I absolutely knew I was transgender (although I didn’t know the word) by the time I was in second grade.  Probably even earlier.  It’s like knowing you’re right-handed.  You just know.  You just… are.


The world is a different place than it was when I was discovering who I am all those years ago.  We didn’t have words in the common vernacular like “non-binary” or “gender fluid”.  We had “transvestite” and “crossdresser”.  Words that are a little outdated or not quite expansive enough (at least for me).  We also had “sissy”.  God, if I were to have come out when I was eight I would have been called a sissy or worse.  And I probably would have been called that by my dad.


Damn, a lot of baggage here, lol.


Being who we are isn’t easy.  I mean, it kind of is, it should be easier, but the world (for the most part) doesn’t make it very easy, does it?  It’s disheartening sometimes to be comfortable and to embrace who we are when we see laws being passed against the LGBTQ+ community or hear a co-worker say something nasty about transpeople.  But one thing I can’t experience is what it must be like to be a parent of a kid who is non-binary or gender non-conforming.  I mean, in principal it might be easy if you just let your kid dress how they feel and let them wear what they want.  Of course that’s probably easier said that done.  Letting your son wear a dress is one thing, dealing with the toxicity from the rest of the family or the rest of the world is another.  


Parents have to be advocates for their kids, no matter what they need.  It might be for medical reasons, or getting your child a tutor, or being their biggest defender and ally for their trans kid.  I don’t know if a parent can really prepare to, well, be a parent.  I suppose you could read every parenting book in the world but when it comes to the real thing, well, it’s the difference between reading a book on how to drive compared to actually being behind the wheel.  A parent should accept their kid and their identity.  A parent probably can’t prepare for that conversation aside from resolving to accept and love their child if they do come out.  You can’t love your kid conditionally, you can’t decide to love your kid on the condition that they are straight and/or cis.  


And at Pride you see that unconditional love.  It’s written on their face, it’s written on their clothes.  “I Love My Trans Kid”.  It doesn’t get more supportive than that.  


Don’t get me wrong, my mom is a wonderful, kind, supportive person.  But she grew up in a different era.  Her kids grew up in a different era.  I like to think that if I came out to her when I was younger in today’s world that she’d be wearing a shirt like that, too.  I am also positive if any of her grandchildren came out she’d be the supportive grandma.  


I don’t know if this website is read by any parents of trans kids but I want to thank you for being your child’s cheerleader, advocate, ally, and voice.  I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have come out to my own mother (at any age) and to have the support and love that I saw at Pride.  I don’t think my (ugh) journey would have led me to a different place than I am today if I had come to my mom when I was in my teens.  I love both of my gender identities today, and when I was growing up I didn’t hate or felt uncomfortable being a boy.  I just wanted to be a girl sometimes.  I didn’t grow out of who I was.  I couldn’t.  I don’t want to.


There’s no replacing a mom, no matter what you’re going through.  I mean, who loves you more than your mom?  No one.  No one is “supposed to”.  And yes, I know that not all of us have the support and love we need from our parents, regardless of one’s gender identity.  I know I have my mom’s love and support and friendship.  I don’t have any grudge against my mom because of her… uncomfortableness with Hannah.  I know that coming out changes a relationship, it impacts the dynamic.  You may be a fierce advocate of the LGBTQ+ community but, let’s face it, it’s a LITTLE different when your own child comes out.  It’s not easy to accept sometimes, it’s not an easy conversation to have.  Sometimes you just need to pretend you never came out.  I mean, that’s kind of what my mom and I do.  Again, don’t misunderstand me, I love my mom and I know as her son I have her love and support.  


And that’s enough.  It has to be.  


Love, Hannah

Wandering and Wondering

This past weekend was the Pride Festival for Minneapolis.  Since the MN T-Girls didn’t have a booth this year I was able to spend a lot more time wandering around the park.  As I wandered, I let my mind do the same thing.


The world is a harsh place.  People can be cruel to one another, there are laws in place that hurt our community, and more being written each day.  Friendships and families can be forever shattered when we come out.  We walk a tightrope on eggshells as we navigate this side of ourselves, regardless of where you are on the transgender spectrum.  You might be getting weekly estrogen shots, you might be a boy who wants to do drag.  You might be somewhere between.  We just want to live our lives but we are held back by the (justified) fear of living our truths, of being ourselves, of being who we want to be.  Of being who we ARE.


When we come out we have to face reality.  I think about coming out to more people in my life but then I have to face the reality of that.  I don’t think it’s likely but there will always be the possibility that coming out to certain friends of mine might end that relationship.  Although I have no plans (nor do I feel the need to do so) to live full time, I know were I to do so I risk discrimination (both legal and otherwise) at work and in healthcare.

  
It’s not fair.  It’s exhausting.  It’s demeaning.  It’s heartbreaking.  Because of the reality we face we deny ourselves what we want, who we are, and what we want our lives to be.  


However.


If we only watch the news it’s easy to think that the world hates us.  That we are alone.  It feels like that over the last few years there has been an increase in violence and hate towards the LGBTQ+ community.  It feels like every week there’s a new law that attempts to suppress our rights and to make it legal to deny us healthcare.  And there is some truth to this thinking.  It’s very… ah, popular in certain circles to hate us.  It’s very popular to turn us into the scary monster in the ladies room when all we want to do is, well, use the ladies room.  


But it’s important (and essential for our mental health) to switch off the television and stop doom scrolling and get out into the real world.  It’s important to stop denying who we are, yes, but it’s also important to see for ourselves what the world thinks of us.  Of course, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks of us.  And we won’t really know what the world thinks of us, but we can get an idea.  Last month I finally got to spend some time at my favorite art museum, something I had been wanting to do for over a year.  I was dressed in my favorite pair of black patent heels and one of my favorite dresses.  My makeup, as the kids say, was LIT.  I wandered around the museum for a couple of hours, had a snack in the cafe, and browsed the gift shop.  It was, well, it was lovely.  


And the best part was that no one cared.  I mean, they might have cared and kept their thoughts to themselves, but smiles were returned when I caught someone’s eye, no one pointed or stared.  Everyone just paid attention to the art (which is what one does at an art museum).  The world seemed a lot less cruel (and a lot more wonderful) than the news headlines suggested.


And Pride was the same thing.  Of course, I understand Pride is a celebration for the LGBTQ+ community and it’s the last place in the world where someone would stare at a t-girl, but Pride is also attended by allies.  Of course I saw other t-girls, drag queens, gay couples handing hands, and countless others of the LGBTQ+ world.  But I also saw people wearing t-shirts with the world ALLY on them.  I saw women walking around with signs that said “Free Mom Hugs”.  I saw people who loved us.  People who wanted us to know that they supported who we are.  It’s overwhelming to know we can get a hug from a mom, something we need, especially if we can’t get one from our own.


I can’t say how many people I saw (or saw me) at Pride in the two hours I was there.  But like when I went to the museum, I was just another girl enjoying the day.  “Vibing”, as the kids say.  


Pride really underscores the importance of having friends like ourselves, of being involved (to any extent) in our community.  As a t-girl I want to do, well, non-LGBTQ+ things.  And I do.  I don’t only go to LGBTQ+ cafes and shops.  I go to Starbucks and Target, too.  But it’s important to stay involved in events like Pride.  To be visible, to add to the number of people who attend Pride.  To show the world that there are a LOT of us, and that we still stand (and strut) no matter how many people hate us.  

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I believe in the past, the MN T-girls had a booth at the Pride Festival. Will you have one this year?


The MN T-Girls have had booths at previous Pride Festivals.  I believe it’s important that if a support group is able to have representation at Pride, then by all means they should do what they can to be there, especially if the group fills a niche.  There are a lot of wonderful support groups for girls like us in Minnesota, such as PFLAG and Minnesota Transgender Alliance.  One aspect that I think helps the MN T-Girls differentiate itself is that I think of the group as a social group.  Each month we do something out in the community.  I think this is an important distinction.  As a t-girl there were, and will always be, things that I want to do en femme.  Go out to dinner, visit the museum, and of course, go shopping.  It’s intimidating to do these things for the first time, especially alone.  I thought a group that focused on doing everyday things like this would be helpful in terms of easing girls like me into experiencing all the things the world can offer en femme.      


But this year Pride kind of snuck up on me.  I wasn’t sure if there was going to be a festival this year and when it was announced I realized I didn’t have the time or the mental bandwidth to set up our booth registration and make other arrangements.  So, the MN T-Girls will not be there this year, at least not officially.  I will be there on the Saturday of the festival so if you see me, say hi!


Unless you’re a creep.
Creeps can stay the hell away from me.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

The Return of the MN T-Girls Again

Yesterday was the first MN T-Girls meeting since November. We took a pause due to COVID but now that the weather is warmer (for Minnesota in April, anyway) I felt it was safe(r) to resume our monthly adventures This was our second return as we took our first COVID pause last March and returned (for the first time) in May of last year.

This month wasn’t tooooo elaborate, just coffee and girl talk with the girls but it was good to see my friends again.

It was chilly, but at least I looked cute. Well, I thought I looked cute.

Love, Hannah

Double Genders, Double Standards

Hi! 


I write a lot about coming out and the wildly differing responses and reactions this revelation can result in.  Deciding who we come out to, why we do so, and how we have this conversation are different decisions for all of us.  I do feel we are obligated to come out to our partners and our significant others, but like everything there may be some caveats to that.  But beyond that, I don’t think we have an obligation to come out to anyone else we know.  Of course, there is a difference between telling someone that you like to wear panties and telling someone you plan on living full time.  One revelation is a personal preference when it comes to undies, the other is a major lifestyle change.  I don’t think your best friend needs (or wants) to know what you wear under your boy clothes, but if you are going to present and identify as a gender other than the one most people know you as, perhaps it’s time to have that conversation.


How we come out is different for each of us as identifying as trans (or bi-gender, or as a crossdresser, or genderfluid…) means something different for all of us.  Yes, I am trans and were I to come out to someone today (not planning on coming out to anyone today, but the day is young) I would explain that identifying as trans doesn’t mean transitioning or hormones.  When I came out as a crossdresser to my mom and siblings years ago it didn’t quite explain who I was as accurately as perhaps a different term would.  


Why we come out is also different for each of us.  I feel we need to come out to our partners because I think it is important (and fair) to let them know who we are, in case our gender identity (or wardrobe) is a deal-breaker for them.  Beyond that, we come out to others in our lives for different reasons.  I have considered coming out to my two best male friends because sometimes I feel I am being dishonest and I would hope they would feel it would be safe to have a similar discussion about themselves with me.  I came out to a roommate because I was tired of not being able to wear what I wanted in my own home.  


Why we come out to someone is tied to who we come out to.  Sometimes we come out to someone because we feel strongly they would be an ally.  A friend, a confident.  Someone who can help us with makeup.  But I think it’s fair that for some people in our lives we have more reasons to NOT come out to them than there are reasons to do so.  For example, I would never, ever come out to my homophobic relatives that post anti-queer statements on Facebook.  Do you think they care or understand the little nuances of being non-cis?  Coming out to them would absolutely ruin my life.  It’s true you can cut out toxic people in your life, but let’s face it, some people, especially relatives, can never go away.  


I have come out to a very select number of friends in my life.  Coming out to someone that I am not in a romantic relationship with has, in a way, very few repercussions.  You are friends, not dating, so coming out doesn’t impact your relationship as significantly.  Coming out to a girlfriend brings up a lot of questions.  They may ask themselves if they want to date someone who wears lingerie.  They may wonder if committing to someone who is on a journey (uuuuuurgh) of gender identity and all the twists and detours this adventure can have.  They may wonder (or worry) that in a few years their boyfriend (or husband) might want to transition.  Who we are is hard enough on ourselves, but sharing this secret (if it is a secret) is a lot to ask of someone else.  As much as we worry about “getting caught” our partners wonder about the implications on their own life if our secret was revealed. 


Have I come out to every girlfriend?  God, no.  When I was twenty I dated a girl who came from a very religious family.  I can’t say she was completely committed to Christ but her family’s influence (and her need of their approval) was a big reason for everything she said and did and said she believed.  She would openly mock anyone from the LGBTQ+ community, she would smugly say lesbians were going to hell.  Coming out to her would be The Worst Idea ever.


And yes, some people might wonder if perhaps she realized that someone important in her life was non-cis perhaps she would become more enlightened.  And yes!  That is a fair point and not unrealistic, but even if she was accepting her family would not be, and that would be enough for her to condemn me.  They didn’t like me anyway, lol.


Looking back I can’t believe I dated someone like her, but I was young, emotionally fragile, and had just gotten out of a rather traumatic relationship.  I needed love, I think.  And in my defense she was not “gays are bad” when we started to date.  She was primarily like that when she was around her family.  


But that relationship is a perfect example of what is on my mind this morning.  She said she was a Christian and although it’s been a while since I’ve been to church I am pretty certain that Jesus’ whole thing was to love others and that only God can judge.  “Whatever you do so to the least of people, you do unto Me” and all of that.  To know someone who proudly declared themselves a follower of Christ but had so much hate and contempt for anyone who wasn’t cis or straight was baffling to me.  It was hypocritical.  


The first girlfriend that I came out to, and the first person I came out to EVER was as enthusiastic and supportive of the LGBTQ+ community as you could imagine.  She identified as bi and said her last boyfriend did drag.  I came out to her for two reasons.  Firstly, we were dating and I had wanted us to, you know, keep dating.  That meant putting my cards on the table.  But I also came out to her because I thought it was safe to do so.  Based on her sexual identity and her previous relationship I didn’t think she would freak out that her boyfriend loved wearing lingerie.


I was WRONG.


She listened but kindly asked for reassurance that I wouldn’t do it anymore.  That I had outgrown it.  That I wouldn’t mention it ever again.  I was stunned and heartbroken.  Heartbroken because I had let someone in, I had shared my secret with someone for the first time and it went BADLY.  But more so I was stunned.  After all, she talked about her support for the LGBTQ+ community but when it came to supporting her LGBTQ+ boyfriend, well, then it was different.  At the time I felt it was hypocritical.  Why did she brag about her ex doing drag but her current boyfriend wasn’t “allowed” to wear panties?  Why was it okay for her to be bi but I couldn’t be a crossdresser?


To be fair, ‘crossdresser’ was (and probably still is) primarily considered a fetish and being viewed as kinky is not necessarily the same as simply wanting to wear lingerie.  In her defense she might have had a different reaction were I to have come out using terms that more accurately described who I was, and who I am.  


But my point is that her reaction surprised me.  I had felt that coming out to someone who identified as a member of the LGBTQ+ community would be “safe”.  I was wrong.  One’s identity does not obligate them to be supportive of everyone else’s identity. 


Even if someone identifies as straight/cis they may still be an ally and supportive of the LGBTQ+ community.  My mom and siblings are Good People.  I am glad to be related to them.  One would imagine that coming out to them would be a positive experience.  I mean, my brother is gay so I feel there is so precedent there.  My mom had a yard sign for marriage equality on her lawn, we all have friends who are gay, so I felt coming out to them would be safe.  


I was WRONG.


Again, I take some responsibility as to HOW I came out.  I came out as a crossdresser.  Again, there may have been some lingering… ah, prejudice against the term and it’s association with fetishism/kink/sex but I wish I had explained myself better.  Overall the reaction was more or less “that’s nice but let’s not talk about.  Ever”.  And we really haven’t.  At least not on purpose.


I suppose I could come out again, but to be honest after the less than welcoming reaction I feel it would be pointless and would be setting myself up for another disappointment and rejection.  
My reaction at the time (and is still my reaction) is (and was) wondering if their response was hypocritical.  Why was it okay for our brother to be gay but wasn’t okay for me to be who I was?  Why are you supporting transgender equality but won’t talk to your trans family member?  


In their defense I will acknowledge that if I came out as trans (or bi-gender) or explained myself better their reaction might have been different, but that ship has sailed.  I know I could have come out in a more descriptive way.  It is important to be gentle when we come out.  As overwhelming and as complicated it is to understand ourselves, it is ever more so for our loved ones.


Labeling someone as hypocritical is a pretty big brush to paint them as.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but in my experience these are just reminders as to why coming out is as complicated, risky, and as nerve-wracking as it is.  

Related reading

Identity and Responsibility

Meeting Your Heroes

Sharing the Secret

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

Hi Hannah, First of all let me say that I love you and all your advice, it’s been very helpful to my wife & I. I recently went out en femme for the first time & with my wife, she was a little freaked out & worried someone we know might see us, but she was a trooper. My question is, does your wife go out with Hannah or do you go solo? I can go either way & respect that it’s hard for her, I loved being out en femme & can hardly wait to go out again

How wonderful she went out with you!  Her reaction and fears are pretty normal.  I mean, I have the same concerns when I go out en femme.  I am not toooooo worried about seeing someone I know as I tend to avoid many places that people in my boy life frequent, but Hannah looks very different than the boy does and I think that gives me a moment to leave the store (or wherever I am) before someone would grasp who I am.  
But our significant others don’t have that safety.  People may not recognize us at first glance, but people will recognize our partners.  


My adventures are solo unless I am out with the MN T-Girls.  This is not to say that my wife (or anyone’s partner) isn’t supportive because she doesn’t join me.  She shows her support in other ways. We chat about makeup and she buys me pink toothbrushes. My wife is amazing on a million levels and an ally to anyone in the LGBTQ+ community.  Were she to go out with Hannah there’s a better chance of her being recognized than myself.  And of course it wouldn’t take much for people to figure out who that really really really tall girl is that she is with.  


Most people in our lives are supportive of the transcommunity.  The risk is, of course, seeing someone we know that isn’t accepting and the potential fallout from that.  She also shares the same perspective as I do when it comes to coming out: it’s exhausting.  When I come out to others it takes countless conversations for someone else to come close to “getting it”.  This is one of the reasons I don’t come out to many people.  


Hannah’s life and all that comes with it isn’t, and wasn’t always easy for her.  I feel guilty for the added stress this side of me brings her.  I regret the times she was confused or angry or annoyed that this side of me brings or has brought.  It’s a lot for our partners to live with.  It’s a lot for us to ask of them.  I want to make Hannah’s life as stress free as it can be for her.  I try to be the best person I can be, I try to be worth all the stress Hannah creates and has created.


My wife knows that the invitation still stands for anytime she would like to hit the mall with Hannah.  That day may yet come and if it doesn’t, that’s okay.

Related reading

Be Worth It

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

I’ve been crossdressing for years and love each time I get all dolled up. I have been finding it hard to go out and meet other CD’s. Are there places to go in the Twin Cites where a t-girl can meet another t-girl without going to a bar?

The short answer is no. T-girls don’t tend to frequent a place BECAUSE we are a t-girl. I don’t go to specific places because I am trans.

Well, not really. Whether I am en femme or not, I like to shop at certain places because I know they are supportive and welcoming to the LGBTQ+ community.

Besides that, I pretty much go anywhere I wish. In all the years I’ve been going out en femme, I have only seen one other girl that I thought was trans and that was at a dress shop (of course it was a dress shop).

Another thing to consider is that I don’t recommend just walking up to another girl like us and striking up a conversation BECAUSE you are trans. I would hate to be clocked, you know?

If you are looking to make friends with a girl like us, then going online is probably the best way to do so. Transgender Heaven and Crossdressers.com are two of the best and most active forums out there.

Other than that, since you are in the Minneapolis/Saint Paul area, have you heard of this little group? 🙂

Related reading

Butterflies

Ask Hannah!

Girls Like Us

Ask Hannah!

Look at my Beautiful Outfit, but Ignore me at the Same Time

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

What advice (if any) would you give to someone about coming out to a close personal friend that has only ever known you in male mode? Does dealing with the current world situation mean that maybe now is not the time to even consider this?


This pandemic is impacting EVERYTHING and it is certainly impacting how we process information.  I have days where I just want to get through and I don’t want any new information.  This is not the time to have a giant conversation about something that will forever change EVERYTHING between you and the person you come out to.


As for advice… well, we are all different and have different relationships with the people in our lives.  It’s impossible to come out to different people in the same way, at least in my experience.  How you come out is likely going to be influenced by who you come out.  When I came out to my gay brother I came out in a different way than I did to my now wife.
There’s a few things I would consider before I came out to anyone.


-Have they ever said any disparaging or offensive things about someone who is LGBTQ+?  If they make gay jokes or use slurs I probably would think twice (and thrice) before coming out
-Are they trustworthy?  If you are considering coming out to one person it’s probably because you are trying to control who knows and that’s fair.  I do the same thing.  If this is a person who tends to gossip or has told you anything that they shouldn’t have then they may do the same thing with what you tell them.


-Why are you telling them?  I’ve come out to different people for different reasons.  I came out to my girlfriends because they needed to know everything about the person they were in a long term relationship with.  I came out to my roommate because there was a chance she would see my bra strap under my boy clothes (plus at that point in my life I was exhausted emotionally and was tired of keeping secrets).  I came out to my sisters because I wanted Hannah to have sisters.  


-How do you identify?  Do you just like to underdress or do you plan to transition?  Think about where you are on your (ugh) journey and be ready to explain and answer questions
-Is it fair to come out to them?  If you come out to them and want them to keep this information private is it fair to ask them to keep this a secret?  What I mean is that if I were to come out to my best male friend, is it fair to ask him to keep it a secret to his wife?  In many ways coming out is asking someone to share this secret as well and for me I do not like keeping secrets from my wife.  


Again, there’s no right way to come out to someone.  Just be kind and patient.  

Related reading:

Unringing a Bell

Just One of the Guys

Sharing the Secret

Meeting Your Heroes


Love, Hannah  

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

I Hear You

I do my best to help girls like us.  Sometimes it’s being asked about makeup or where to find heels in their size, but I get just as many questions and emails about the more difficult and emotional and serious side of who we are.


I try to be gentle and direct and honest.  Many of us are conflicted or confused or scared about who we are.  Many of us are in denial.  When I tell others like us that we are who we are, we can’t change (and there’s no reason to), I want that message to be comforting.  Yes, this side of us certainly doesn’t make life easier, but knowing that there’s nothing wrong with who you are is the first step towards accepting who you are.  It’s the first step we take when we stop resisting what we want (and what we want to wear).  Ending the fight against yourself is how you get to embracing and celebrating who we are.  


I understand and respect and am honored by the trust that people put into me and what I write.  I take every email seriously (except the ones from the guys who keep asking me to sissify them).  Sometimes questions come to me through email, sometimes they are submitted through the ‘Ask Hannah’ section.  And sometimes the questions come anonymously and really, that’s okay.  I understand the fear of being outed and how hard many of us try to not have any trail of our male identity to a website like mine.  In many, many ways, caution and paranoia protect us.  I totally get that.    


I respond to most emails I get with a few exceptions (seriously, stop asking me to sissify you) and most of the emails seem to be from one’s femme email account.  I don’t think it’s uncommon for many of us to have multiple email accounts.  I certainly do.  Some emails are from what is obviously “his” email account.  Rest assured your information is safe with me.  Some questions are sent to me from fake email addresses though but the questions and concerns are serious and personal.  Many messages like this are sent in the very late (or very early) hours of the day.  The time of the day when our thoughts are the loudest.  The time of the day when most of the world (or your family) is asleep.  The time when we reflect and think about… well, everything.  


When I get an email that I can’t respond to because it’s a fake email account, it does make me concerned.  It’s normal for me to get a message from someone who is pouring their heart out about this side of them.  They are truly worried, scared, lonely about who they are.  They want help, they want friends, they want someone to talk to.  I want to help, I want to offer support and resources but I can’t reply to an email that isn’t real.


Again, I do understand and can relate to not using an email address that can be traced to our male lives.  I totally get that so I understand why one would use a fake email.  


When I get those emails in the wee small hours of the morning I want to offer resources and ways to connect to girls like us.  We need friends like us.  


If you are reading this and you are lonely, afraid, or sad and need help I want to help you.  And I will, to the best that I am able.  If you write to me and don’t provide a way for me to respond then I can’t do anything.  And again, I get it.  If have written to me and needed help, but didn’t provide a way for me to respond, I would have replied with these resources and links:


-First of all, there’s nothing wrong with who you are and what you want to wear.  You are who you are and you are beautiful.  The world doesn’t understand us and that’s okay.  I don’t understand us either 🙂

-If you are looking to make friends with girls like us, then I recommend creating a profile and posting on the forums on crossdressers.com and transgenderheaven.com-If you need support please find a local chapter of PFLAG.


And the most serious resource I can point you towards is Trans Lifeline.


I hope this helps.  As much as I talk about eyeliner and stilettos and shamelessly post photos of myself, I understand and can relate to how our gender identity can cause a lot of pain, confusion, isolation, and fear.  


And thank you for trusting me and for reaching out.  I wish I could do more.
Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I live in Casper Wyoming and am trying to find a good gender therapist. I am currently seeing a psychologist that said she handled gender issues, but I really get the feeling she is just guessing at how to handle things.
If I look on the internet, there are several people who claim to be gender counselors, but how do I find a GOOD one. One that really knows the transgender community, and not just someone who is checking a block on their resume.
Is there any help you can offer, or direction you can point me in? 

I’ve been to several therapists throughout my life but never one specifically for my gender identity.  However, choosing who to work with, regardless of why you are seeing a therapist, should be based on how you feel when speaking with them.  If you click, great.  If they don’t seem knowledgeable about what you want to talk about, then they are probably not the right fit for you.  It sounds to me that you know this psychologist is not the person that is best qualified for what you are looking for.I am afraid I can’t offer much advice on finding a gender therapist.  But we are a community!  🙂  Anyone reading this have any suggestions??  Please comment below.


Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!