Ask Hannah!

Has Hannah affected your relationship with your wife?  Has your wife seen Hannah? Has she had “girls nights in” with Hannah? How does she feel aboutHannah?  How has her relationship with Hannah evolved since your early  days of blogging?

I could probably write (and maybe I should) a book about the dynamics and evolution and impact that crossdressing/being transgender has on a relationship, but I will try to keep this concise.

Being who we are is likely hard on our partners.  This is not a part of us that will change or go away, so we will never “outgrow” this part of us, this is not a phase we are going through.  Too many of us try to suppress this part of us when we meet someone and start a relationship because we don’t want to scare this person away by revealing this part of us.

But of course no matter how hard we try to deny it, this is who we are and we shouldn’t try to do that.  What we should do is be honest with ourselves and be honest with our partners.  I get emails from people like us who tell me that they don’t plan on telling their partners about this side of them until after they’re married.  Their thinking is that it’s too late for them to go anywhere.  This is hurtful, cruel, unfair and dishonest.

I told my wife about this part of me after a few months of dating, once I knew I wanted to marry her.  I’ve come out to a few partners in my life when I felt the relationship was strong and serious enough.  At the time I came out to her, I felt that this was all about under-dressing and I didn’t have a “male mode” or a “female mode”.  I was just a man who wore panties.

But people change and evolve.

After we’d be married for a few years, she asked if I ever wore makeup or clothes other than lingerie.  I had, but never really to the point of a full makeover or head to toe with a wig and heels.  She did my makeup that night and helped me order a wig.  Up to that moment she didn’t really understand why I liked lingerie but she understood the feeling of wanting to be beautiful.

I started to buy dresses with her help.  My wardrobe grew and our relationship now had a new part of it.  We were both learning about Hannah and getting to know her.  We had constant and honest communication about what… all this meant.  There were times where she was concerned about me wanting to transition and where all this was leading to.  Those concerns faded over time.

It’s easy to understand her concern.  I went from wearing panties to doing my makeup and having a closet full of heels in a few months.  My evolution accelerated and it was like going from a nice leisurely drive to a million miles per hour.  But eventually I stopped my gender exploration and landed where I am today and her concerns about me wanting to transition subsided.

This part of me has allowed me to be more open, honest, vulnerable and transparent with my wife.  Not only as Hannah, but as in my male side as well.  This took a lot of patience on her part and a lot of effort to try to understand me.  It took a lot of time, sometimes difficult communication and open and honest conversations.

So yes, she has seen Hannah.  We both met her at the same time, in a way.  We’ve had many girls nights in, whether it was a nice quiet night in wearing leggings or me rocking an amazing gown with winged eyeliner.

My wife and I used to feel that Hannah and my male side were two very different people.  Of course, we have very different wardrobes but over time Hannah and I have kind of… well, balanced out.  Hannah would tend to be more relaxed and chatty whereas I was more preoccupied with whatever was going on or needed to be done.  I don’t relax much, but our girls nights in gave me a chance to dress up and slow down and watch a movie or sit and talk.  My wife and I don’t feel there’s as much of a difference between my two genders (besides physician appearance and presentation) as there used to be.

I make all of this sound very easy and idyllic, but as with any relationship things are always more complicated and nuanced than it sounds.  I am lucky to have my wife for many reasons, not only because of this.

Love, Hannah

 

 

 

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PFLAG Events for January

PFLAG’s mission is uniting people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) with families, friends, and allies.  PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy.  PFLAG has 400 chapters and 200,000 supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

PFLAG was the first support organization I heard of when I was growing up.  I attended their meetings a few years ago and found it was a supportive and inclusive community.  PFLAG is a wonderful group, especially for our spouses and family members and I am happy to promote the events the Twin Cities chapter has scheduled.

Join us for our January 15th program and support groups.
Transgender Resources Presentation
The January program will feature videos intended to answer some of your questions about gender, language and the Transgender community.
Tuesday, January 15 at 6:30 pm
Union Congregational Church
3700 Alabama Ave S, Minneapolis, MN 55416

Upcoming events include March when MN author Austen Hartke will discuss his new book:

Transforming; The Bible & the Lives of Transgender Christians.

Meet the Twin Cities Teen Behind a New LGBTQ Rights Bakery: It Gets Batter

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From City Pages

Lily’s no stranger to volunteering. Her family is involved with the Sheridan Story, a Roseville-based nonprofit that works to combat hunger, and once a month her school does assorted charity work.

“I wanted to start a charity for a while,” the 14-year-old tells City Pages. “And lately I’ve been focusing a lot on LGBTQ rights.”

She says she’s concerned, like lots of young people, about President Trump’s plans to roll back protections for trans and queer folks. It goes beyond her love of Drag Race—Lily has LGBTQ+ family members and friends—and she wanted to find a way to put her newfound love of baking to use for good.

More information about Lily’s bakery here!

Love, Hannah

PFLGAG Events for December

PFLAG’s mission is uniting people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) with families, friends, and allies.  PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy.  PFLAG has 400 chapters and 200,000 supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

PFLAG was the first support organization I heard of when I was growing up.  I attended their meetings a few years ago and found it was a supportive and inclusive community.  PFLAG is a wonderful group, especially for our spouses and family members and I am happy to promote the events the Twin Cities chapter has scheduled.

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Please join us for a Holiday party.  

We will be serving hot chocolate and cookies, along with great conversation – all in a relaxed atmosphere from 6:30 until 7:30 pm.  We will then break out into our small, confidential,  support groups until 8:30 pm.

Tuesday, December 18th, 2018 at 6:30 pm
Union Congregational Church
3700 Alabama Ave S, Minneapolis, MN 55416
Love, Hannah

PFLAG Events for November

PFLAG’s mission is uniting people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) with families, friends, and allies.  PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy.  PFLAG has 400 chapters and 200,000 supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

PFLAG was the first support organization I heard of when I was growing up.  I attended their meetings a few years ago and found it was a supportive, and inclusive community.  PFLAG is a wonderful group, especially for our spouses and family members and I am happy to promote the events the Twin Cities chapter has scheduled.

Guest Speaker: Billy Eloy

Billy will be providing information on events and services available to queer, trans and gender nonconforming youth in the Twin Cities.Suggestions for how parents can provide support and advocacy for their queer, trans and

Parents and youth welcome!

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Tuesday, November 20th, 2018 at 6:30 pm
Union Congregational Church
3700 Alabama Ave S, Minneapolis, MN 55416
Support groups will be held at 7:30 pm directly following the program.
Love, Hannah

Coming Out As Transgender

National Coming Out Day was earlier this week and it always makes me feel…a little left out.

Coming out is a life-changing experience.  It forever alters the relationship you have with those you come out to.   Sometimes its a weight off your shoulders, sometimes they admit they already knew, or at least it’s not a surprise.  Sometimes it goes horribly wrong.  Sometimes it’s all of them.  It’s a huge risk as we will never really know how someone will react until we do it.  I am sensitive to those we come out to as it will forever change how they see us and a certain level of care and consideration needs to be kept in mind when we do.

I think at this point in my life I have come out to everyone that I ultimately will.  I don’t feel the need to come out to anyone else.  A few years ago I felt that I should tell my mom and siblings.  I felt that this was big enough, and important enough, that they should know.  I also wanted to come out to them because, well, this is big enough and important enough to me.

My immediate family are kind, loving people.  Fiercely liberal, supportive and allies to everyone in the LGBTQIA spectrum.  I wish I could say that coming out to them “accomplished” what I wanted to.  I had hoped that my mom and siblings would have a cup of coffee or hit the mall with Hannah.  That hasn’t happened (well, except for that one time) and I doubt it will.

Please understand that I don’t think negatively of them because of this.  Coming out to someone is tricky.  It can be hard on those we come out to, and it’s hard for us to get it right.  We only have one chance to come out to someone the first time and how we do it will set the tone going forward.  I’m sure coming out as any part of the LGBTQIA spectrum is hard for different reasons and I don’t know what it’s like to come out as anything other than transgender.

In my experience, coming out as transgender is very hard. Being trans means different things to different people.  Me being trans is different than Caitlyn Jenner or Chaz Bono being transgender.  I think most people think of someone being transgender as one who has, or will, permanently change how they present themselves to the world.  I think most people think that being transgender means they have, or will, or are going through hormone therapy and surgery.

And for some trans people, yes, that’s exactly what being transgender means.  But as I’ve written before, gender is a spectrum.  I don’t want to transition.  I never have.  Being trans to me means not committing to presenting as only one gender for the rest of my life.  I have to explain what being transgender means and what it means to me and what it means to the person I come out to.

As anyone who has come out before, you know this can be exhausting.

I honestly think I would come out to more people if it was easier to explain and to understand.  But it is what it is and I have accepted it.

National Coming Out Day creates a bit of a pang of regret.  I read stories all day from others who came out and had amazing experiences with their family and friends.  I was happy to read so many wonderful stories.  I was happy for those that came out and proud of how supportive the people they came out to were.  I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous and sadness when I thought of own coming out.

We can come out to everyone in our lives and receive endless support from them, but sometimes the really important people in our lives are the ones we need the most love and acceptance from.

As I’ve said I have accepted things and I am luckier beyond any hopes and dreams I ever had.  I have the love and understanding and help from my patient and amazing wife.  I have a wardrobe that exceeds any fantasy I ever had.  I couldn’t ask for more.  And I won’t.

I hope everyone has love and support and understanding from at least one person in their life.  I hope everyone has at least one fabulous dress in their closet that makes them happy, I hope everyone has at least one killer pair of heels that they never thought they would have.

We all have our own stories and experiences when it comes to coming out.  If you would like to share them in the comments I would love to read them.

Love, Hannah

 

 

PFLAG Events for October

PFLAG’s mission is uniting people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) with families, friends, and allies.  PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy.  PFLAG has 400 chapters and 200,000 supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

PFLAG was the first support organization I heard of when I was growing up.  I attended their meetings a few years ago and found it was a supportive, and inclusive community.  PFLAG is a wonderful group, especially for our spouses and family members and I am happy to promote the events the Twin Cities chapter has scheduled.

Please join them for their October support group meeting.
Tuesday, October 16 at 6:30 pm
Union Congregational Church
3700 Alabama Ave S, Minneapolis, MN 55416
Love, Hannah