Month: February 2022

The What-Ifs

by Hannah

I totally understand not feeling ready to go out en femme. We all have been there, these hesitations are fueled by all the what-if’s that could happen. The fears, the anxieties, the uncertainties. Will people point? Will people laugh? Will people be cruel? Will you see someone you know? Will you shake so much that you quiver in your heels and lose your balance? I played out (and still do) a million different what-ifs before I was ready to go out into the real world. All of these potential events were worst-case scenarios (but paranoia keeps us safe) and for years they kept me at home.

Until they didn’t.

And I know there are so many of us that aren’t ready to make this step yet. But someday, something will happen, and before you know it you’ll hear the click of your heels on the pavement and the wind in your wig.

These what-ifs bounce around in our heads and scare us. But perhaps you can add a new what-if. A different what-if. A fantastic what-if.

What if… what if you have an amazing experience?

The moments that stay with us for the rest of our lives are the small, unexpected things. For me, these are mostly acts of kindness, either from someone knowing that I needed a little love or someone being thoughtful for no apparent reason.

It’s no secret that life has been overwhelming over the last few years. The pandemic, economic issues, the potential for the war escalating, and the seemingly unending attacks (both political and otherwise) on the trans community.

And then there are our own lives, with all of the challenges and difficulties.

Things are stressful in my life, unrelated to the current global and domestic troubles. Please don’t worry, everything will be fine, but it’s been getting to me.

When I go out en femme, it’s a break from the boy life, the stresses and challenges he has. I can usually shut off “his” part of my brain and just enjoy living in the moment. But the other day I just couldn’t shake it. I was out running some errands and was on my way to my next destination when I stopped by Caribou Coffee.

For those outside Minnesota, Caribou Coffee is a coffee shop chain. There are some locations outside the state, but nowhere near the presence that Starbucks has.

I decided on the drive-through. The sidewalks were icy and I didn’t feel like navigating in my heels. I sat in my car, ordered my drink, and was consumed by my thoughts and stresses. Even though my mind was focused on that, I had enough energy and mental bandwidth to quietly wonder what the barista would think when I pulled to her window. Afterall, I was sure she was expecting a man after taking my order through the menu-speaker-thing.

After a moment or two, she handed me my drink.

I can’t tell you how much this made my day.

I needed that.

Although it doesn’t stop me from leaving the house, I do often wonder what people are thinking when they see me. I am *obviously* trans. It doesn’t take more than a moment for someone to realize my birth certificate was marked ‘male’ when I was born. The most I hope for is an uneventful interaction with a cashier or a server, but when someone goes out of their to be kind, particularly to a trans person, it creates a moment that I’ll never forget.

Love, Hannah

Cute and Creative!

by Hannah

Yesterday the MN T-Girls had our monthly event and it was so much fun! We spent the afternoon at Creative Hair Design in Roseville, Minnesota. Creative Hair Design sells wigs, toppers, hair pieces, and hair extensions. The timing was perfect as I am waaaay overdue for a new ‘do.

We were treated to a private shopping event where we all had the opportunity to try on new wigs and pick out a new look. Before the shopping got started we learned a lot about different types of wigs, whether they are heat defiant, lace front, or hand tied. I was surprised at how much I didn’t know about wigs. Their website has a nice comparison between the different types if you’re curious.

After trying on a few different wigs I ordered a new style and I am excited for my new look.

Thank you to Creative Hair Design for a fun afternoon!

Love, Hannah

Sorry, not Sorry

by Hannah

I ignore emails and direct messages that are sexually charged. When I post photos there is usually some reaction along the lines of likes and comments. This is not to say that I’ll post a photo and then it goes viral or whatever because of how AMAZING I look. This is not to say that I am SO BEAUTIFUL that a picture creates a flurry of positive activity or whatever. I don’t think this way about myself and believe me, I am humbled by many pictures that will never be posted. I also get reality checked by reflections and selfies.

Does that make sense? I am have no illusions about myself.

As long as we are talking about this, I am not flattered or validated at all by sexual comments so ya’ll can stop.

Anyway, my least favorite of these comments are along the lines of “hey hanna I like your bulge hehe 😉 “. And yes, that is usually how these comments are written except they usually include the eggplant emoji. First of all, my name is HannaH. While I am many things, I am also a palindrome. And secondly, if we’re splitting hairs, it’s “heh heh” if you are trying to be mischievous.

The legendary Stana posted on her website the other day and she got me thinking about photos that, um, inspire comments like these. I may not react or respond to those type of “compliments”, but they are usually visible on social media and I thought I should clear something up.

Let’s bring out the visual aids.

And yes, I know what some of you are looking at it.

But that is not my penis. I don’t know about your own body (and I don’t WANT to know) but that is not where my penis is. That bulge is just below where my naval is.

I know how to tuck. I wear a gaff. I am not aroused by *this*.

That is the bottom edge of my corset.

Sometimes it… curls up a little depending on how tightly it is cinched. This creates a less than flat, smooth, and flush effect.

I hope that clears things up. Sorry perverts. Actually, I’m not sorry, lol.

Love, HannaH

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I came out to my wife in May 2021. One year later, we are now separated. She also outted me to her parents. I feel like a big part of me has been ripped out. We are still married. My wife says that I can move back, but I have to never dress again. I don’t know if I can. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I miss being with my wife so much but I can’t go back to the closet.

This is going to sound harsh and dismissive, but I mean this as gently as possible.

I am afraid I am nowhere near qualified to offer my perspective or advice. I would recommend meeting with a marriage counselor.

Good luck.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

How It Starts

by Hannah

Good morning!

I know some people visit this site to talk about panties and look at photos and ask for help finding heels that fit. I get it. I write a lot about lingerie and clothes and I post a LOT of pictures.

And! I also write a lot about the importance of mental health and how being non-cis can impact that.

Today’s post is about legislation, our mental health and, well, stuff like that. If you have no interest in heavy topics like this, then you probably should stop reading right now. If you feel like commenting or sending me an email about this post, then please make it constructive.

The purpose of this post is to check in with people like us who are being impacted by recent laws. Although this post discusses politics, this is not meant to be a political discussion. Does that make sense?

I promise that my next post will (probably) be less intense. 🙂

xoxo

-Hannah

_________________

It’s one thing to not to be understood. I don’t understand the whys of who I am either. There probably isn’t any tangible reason for why I am the way I am. And really, that’s totally okay.

It’s another thing to not be accepted. This usually hurts, even if it’s just a little bit. To have a part of yourself that someone is unable to accept can be painful. However, on some level… I get it. Being anything other than cis gender is a lot for some people to process and accept. This is our journey, our identity. No one else’s. It’d be nice if we had some company along the way but we must be able to go on this adventure alone, if needed.

There is also being hated. I don’t *really* understand hating someone that isn’t hurting anyone. I am transgender and I am not going to harm you. I am not going to bother you. I am simply existing and I guess for some people that’s a perfectly acceptable and justified reason to hate me. I am not an abomination or anything so horrible.

Finally, there is being attacked. This happens in many ways. Verbally, physically, emotionally, and mentally. One makes a choice to go out of their way to cause harm. It’s a conscious decision. This takes effort.

Violence isn’t limited to just physically or psychologically harming someone. You can cause harm on a social level, such as denying access to medical care or social services. This almost always happens on a political level. Like crossdressing itself, this takes a lot of time, and money, and effort. It takes a committed group of people determined to harm another group of people.

Again, can we please not turn the comments into a political discourse?

There’s no shortage of anti-LGBTQAI+ legislation being discussed or having recently passed. I’m sure if I wanted to put myself into a spiral of depression and hopelessness I could find dozens of recent attempts to pass laws that deny basic rights to the LGBTQAI+ community. I do want to touch on bill that is gathering a lot of steam in Florida that is being referred to the ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill.

“But Hannah! I’m not gay, I’m not even trans! I just wear panties! This doesn’t affect me!” you may be thinking. Please reconsider. Even if this law doesn’t impact you on a personal level, it harms our community (and yes, I believe that someone who wears panties is indeed part of the LGBTQIA+ community) AND it sets a precedent and becomes a slippery slope for anyone that isn’t cis gender or heterosexual.

Do you think the average congressperson cares about the difference between someone who is transitioning and someone who wears lingerie in their own home? Yes, WE might understand the nuances of a closet crossdresser and someone who is on estrogen, but for many people running the country, there’s probably no difference. There are those in charge who would love to stop any sort of hormone therapy or protection for trans people as well as making it illegal for a boy to wear girl clothes.

Don’t believe me? Let’s revisit this in a few years.

I am reminded of the poem by Martin Niemoller:

First they came for the Communists. And I did not speak out. Because I was not a Communist. Then they came for the Socialists. And I did not speak out. Because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists. And I did not speak out. Because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews. And I did not speak out. Because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me. And there was no one left. To speak out for me.

I don’t think it’s unrealistic to paraphrase that poem to something along the lines of this:

First they came for those who have transitioned. And I did not speak out. Because I have not transitioned. Then they came for the drag queens. And I did not speak out. Because I do not do drag. Then they came for people who were non-binary. And I did not speak out. Because I am not non-binary. Then they came for the crossdressers. And I did not speak out. Because no one knows I am a crossdresser. Then they came for me. And there was no one left. To speak out for me.

‘Don’t Say Gay’ is just one of the active or recent bills that focus on anyone that isn’t straight or cis. Again, I could list more examples but really, isn’t just one attempt chilling and scary enough?

As far as I am aware, there isn’t anything like this being discussed here in Minnesota. But again, attempts like this create precedent. If something like this is passed in Florida, it’s likely another state will push for a similar law. This is how it starts. It’s dangerous to ignore legislation like this.

Attempts like these depress, anger, and frustrate me. But I can’t imagine how this impacts someone who is directly affected by legislation like this.

I know this website gets visitors from all over the world, so if you are living in a state, a community, a country where laws like this have passed, or are trying to be passed, how are you doing? What do you want the rest of us to know? Please drop a comment and stay safe.

Love, Hannah

Wardrobe Malfunctions

by Hannah

I bought a dress last month and I knew it was too short. But! there are some dresses (and heels, if I am being honest) that I will or won’t wear depending on how much sitting, standing, or walking I will be doing.

This particular dress was perfect in so many ways. It fit, which is obviously important. It was vegan leather(!), and it was white (I don’t have a lot of white dresses), and it was short. I like showing off my legs and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I KNEW it was short, possibly TOO short when I tried it on. But as I mentioned, some dresses are for STANDING, not sitting. BUT! I was reminded the other day that some dresses aren’t for moving in, either.

It’s not the dress’ fault. It’s not the store’s fault. It’s not the designer’s fault. Not every piece of clothing is designed to fit everyone. And just because you can glide the zipper up, it still doesn’t mean it’s the right dress for you.

I had a feeling that this was a dress that I wouldn’t wear while running errands (or indeed, doing much moving in at all) but it would be fun to wear for a photo shoot.

So I did.

My last photo shoot was primarily for reviewing some clothes for En Femme. We had the studio for a few hours and I knew there would be some extra time for a few non-En Femme outfits. This dress made the cut.

And goodness did I underestimate how short this dress was. It’s not uncommon for a dress to have a different impression on you in a dressing room versus wearing it in the real world.

Take a peek!

Sometimes I show a flash of my stocking tops when I walk and sometimes it’s sexy. Other times it’s just… way too much. There’s not much left to the imagination here. I like showing off my legs but this is PROBABLY not a dress I will wear again.

Again, not every dress is designed for every body. And most dresses (and indeed, skirts, tops, panties, heels) are designed for a cis gender woman. I have broad shoulders and a long torso compared to almost every cis gender woman on the planet so of course this dress will be shorter on me.

This dress, and others like it, made me appreciate designers who make clothes for girls like us. I appreciate businesses like The Breast Form Store, Xdress, Zhe, Homme Mystere, Glamour Boutique, Moot, and En Femme.

And yes, I know I write and model for En Femme but there’s a reason I write and model for them. They’re lovely people and they design lovely clothes. I’ve also done reviews and writing and modeling for each of the businesses I listed so I try to show my love and support for a lot of different companies that design clothes for our community.

I know some crossdressers only want to wear “girl clothes” and I absolutely get that. Most of the lingerie and dresses in my closet are “for girls”. But if I am being honest, there are panties that are sooooo super cute that I can’t wear for very long or if I’ll be doing a lot of walking or needing to tuck (such as the panties I am wearing at the moment). I appreciate that there are panties that I can shop for that are designed for someone with my anatomy. Same with dresses and bodysuits and really, everything else I like to wear.

Most of what I wore for my last shoot, as I mentioned, was for En Femme. Two of their dresses stood out to me for different reasons. One had sleeves that were long enough for my arms. The other had a high neckline that was high enough to go over my Adam’s apple. I appreciated these considerations.

One of the hills I will die on is that clothes are clothes and colors are for everyone and anyone should and can whatever they wish. Of course, that thinking must also come with the acceptance that not every piece of clothing is going to fit every body type. And yes, some of us only want to wear “girl clothes” and some of us think that designers like the ones I listed earlier make “boy clothes” because they were designed for a boy body. I mean, I guess?? But the way I like to see it is that these designers make clothes for someone like myself who NEED longer sleeves, wider shoulders, and a different panty cut.

“Girl clothes” aren’t that much different in this sense, either. Some dresses are designed for girls with smaller frames, larger busts, and a zillion other considerations. Not every girl can wear the same blouse. Not every t-girl can either.

Love, Hannah

Gender, Coffee, and the Big Bang

by Hannah

My mind races constantly. I have a zillion thoughts each day. It’s exhausting. I wish I could just kind of zone out and take a break but my brain is always telling me to DO something, even if it’s just to THINK about something.

Sometimes these thoughts are introspective. And I bet you have these thoughts too. I think people like us, people who have a perspective on gender and identity that is waaaay more nuanced and multifaceted than most people have, think a LOT about a LOT of different things:

“Why am I like this? Why do I wear this? What does this mean?”

Questions that feel like there IS or SHOULD be an answer, but really, there isn’t one that is satisfactory. The answer for these reflections usually comes down to one reason:

“It’s just who I am.”

Sometimes that realization is comforting and we can move on, sometimes it’s…. underwhelming. Like there HAS to be more to it.

I get a lot of emails from others like myself wondering why they are the way they are. I am usually gentler in my response but the real answer is that there is no reason. I wonder if they are looking for a deep, psychological (or even medical) reason for why they dress the way they do or feel the way they feel, but like being left or right handed, or enjoying certain types of food, it’s just who we are.

And again, this answer, if you can even call it that, is underwhelming and it’s not satisfactory AT ALL.

Please understand, I am not trivializing or diminshing gender identity by equating something so personal with preferred cuisine.

Every “reason” I’ve heard about why we are the way we are has sounded incredibly shallow and wrong and almost damaging. Some “experts” continue to believe that people like myself like to wear girl clothes because I had a bad relationship with my mother. Or I am in denial. Or repressing something. Or there is a chemical imbalance in my brain. Or there is something unique about my hormones.

The list goes on and on.

And on.

Now, I do think some non-binary people would be relieved to hear one of these reasons. Like “oh, I like to wear panties because my chromosomes are a little different.” And if that helps someone accept who they are, then that’s wonderful. I can only speak for myself but I think I am who I am because, well, this who I am.

And yes! It is incredibly simplistic to think that. It’s… well, kind of like the Big Bang. The universe is SO big and so complex and perfect and scary and fascinating and impossible but to learn that the universe formed because one day, a billion years ago, a billion lightyears away, SOMETHING just… exploded?

It’s like… oh.

Like, I don’t know what I was expecting but I wasn’t expecting THAT.

Anyway! My point (I don’t really have a point but the coffee this morning seems especially strong and mind seems to be racing especially fast at the moment) is that we can ask ourselves a question and sometimes we answer it very quickly.

We provide ourselves with a response that is likely very much based on instinct or an initial reaction. It’s the first thing that pops into our heads annnnnd a lot of times it’s exactly what we feel and therefor the correct answer. Of course, there is also the question of whether or not we are being impulsive and perhaps too hasty in our answer, but that’s neither here nor there.

I got to thinking (well, OVERthinking) about all of this the other day at my most recent photo shoot. Here I was, in a rented studio, with a professional photographer, modeling clothes. I know! It sounds so… ooh la la. Like I’m some big shot super model.

The end results, the photographs, would have you believe that these shoots are very glamorous but they are a lot of work. Changing outfits in a tiny bathroom, using your phone for a mirror to check your hair, hoping that there’s not something in the background of the shot that shouldn’t be there, being paranoid I don’t have lipstick on my teeth…

Don’t get me wrong, I love doing these shoots and I am so lucky to have them, but they are a lot of work.

Sometimes I look at myself and ask myself introspective questions out of the blue. At the shoot I was just kind of taking it all in and watching Shannonlee change her camera lens as she talked about a dress I was wearing and the angle she wanted to get… I felt a LITTLE silly. I don’t like when anyone makes a fuss about me (in either gender) so someone putting a lot of thought into something I was doing and wearing made me feel a little… well, not uncomfortable, but a little self-conscious.

“Who are you fooling?” I asked myself. What I was REALLY asking was do I think I am so beautiful that I need to schedule photo shoots? How conceited am I? Do I think I am so glamourous or delusional that I think I am a REAL MODEL? Am I SO important and special to do something like this? Am I really this shallow or insecure and needing attention? Do people really care what I think about a skirt?

As I mentioned, we can sometimes immediately answer questions like that. Almost before I finished asking myself this, I responded with “no one”. I am not trying to fool anyone, especially myself. I am not so delusional that I think I am a model, or even attractive. I am not special or important. And these thoughts are not meant to be depressing or self-deprecating. I know exactly what I am doing. I am having fun.

And like the Big Bang, this is a very hollow reason. Like… that’s it??

And yes. It is. I have fun picking out outfits for shoots, I have fun working with Shannonlee. I have fun looking at the pictures. Yes, it is an ego boost when I see a really good photo, but I don’t have a NEED to be… well, reassured, I guess.

I don’t think of myself as a model or as someone who is SO pretty or SO important that I need to do photo shoots or anything else. My self-esteem is firmly in check and reinforced with every mirror or selfie. I am often humbled as I get ready as I try to turn my middle age boy body and middle age boy face into something that is SOMEWHAT pretty and femme.

No matter what, I am never trying to fool anyone, least of all myself. I am certainly not trying to fool anyone in the real world, either. I have no illusions of myself. I do not think that anyone at the mall or wherever I am thinks that I am a cis woman. I am not trying to, um, deceive anyone, for lack of a better word. I don’t care if people know or think I am trans. And I don’t care because I AM trans. If someone sees me and thinks “that person is trans”. That’s fair. If I am being honest I do the same thing when I see someone who I think is trans. The important part is what comes AFTER that realization. If someone treats me differently (in a negative way) because of my transfabulousness, well, that’s a conscious decision. That’s cruelty.

I know many of us want the world to think we ARE cis women. I get that. I understand wanting to look so femme that all evidence (if you will) of our maleness has vanished. I mean, I attempt that every time I dress. But I also know that my jawline, height, hands, voice, shoulders “give me away”. But I don’t think of it as that… because I am not trying to fool anyone. My goal is to not be thought of as a cisgender woman.

I would rather have someone treat me kindly because they know I am transgender woman instead of them treating me kindly because they think I am a cisgender woman. Kindness to someone like me, someone like you, someone like ANYONE is an act of support and acceptance.

Anyway, the caffeine is starting to modulate a little so let’s wrap it up.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I really enjoy reading your website and remember back when you included
your drawings about your life and observations in the trans world.
I’d love to see and read those again, did you publish a collection?
They brought a new, unique and wonderful perspective on many of the joys and challenges we all face.

Before I started this website, alllll the way back in August of 2016, I had another site where on a daily basis I posted a quick illustration of whatever I was thinking about.


I had a lot of fun doing these but they were time consuming. As my life/lives got busier, I found it harder to make time for these illustrations. After four years I decided to stop doing them. I am touched when someone says how much they enjoyed them and I always feel bad that I stopped.

Every once in a while I think about doing them again but my life/lives are still busy and I think the quality of the drawings would not be up to my standards. I think I made the right choice in stepping away from them when I did.

It would be fun to see a published collection, but I just don’t have the time to put together such a book.

The website I posted them on is set to private and sometimes I think about making it public once again, but if I did that, I would want to go through the posts and make a few changes and remove a few things. Doing this would be very time consuming and unfortunately I am not able to commit to a project like that.

The reason I would want to make such edits is that early on I would share more personal things about my life than I would now. When I started that site I had no idea how long I would maintain it, nor if anyone would read it, so I wasn’t as concerned about privacy as much as I am today.

I am not as concerned as someone from my boy life discovering the old site (or even the current site) and putting two and two together and outing me. I mean, it is a concern and I don’t want that at all, but after ten years of being as visible online as I am, part of me thinks if being “caught” was going to happen, it would have by now.

My concern is that I think I had a stalker. Someone who was seemingly obsessed with me. Someone who would send emails that would make me a little paranoid. They were paying too much attention to things I posted about. Some of the things could have been harmless, but still a little unnerving. For example, I would post a photo of myself against a wall in my home. This person would then write to me and mentioned that I must have painted that room because the last time I posed next to that wall it was a different color.

And that would be the only thing they wrote about. Not about the dress, not about anything else. Just the wall.

Again, it might have been harmless, but an odd thing to pay attention to and an odder thing to email about.

I would write I lived in the Twin Cities. They would immediately send emails asking specifically which part of the Twin Cities I lived in. The questions were always very pointed, and asking things that were beyond casual conversation. These emails were always about something very specific. Almost as if they wanted me to know they were paying very close attention.

There were other instances that I don’t want to share here.

I’ve written before that paranoia saves us, and I had to listen to that.

I quickly decided to stop posting photos taken in my home. I stopped sharing certain details. I closed the site down not only because it was time to move on from the “theme” of the site, but also because of personal safety.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!