Heaven and Hell

Well I’ve been to heaven before; and I know the feeling well.
The only thing I can say to you: There’s always a heaven, where there’s a hell.

-Angela McCluskey

I am thrilled to share with you the latest piece by my friend Marci Ansen. Marci has used her breathtaking talent to create a few photo compositions of me over the last few months but I have to admit that her newest piece is just… awe-inspiring. It’s absolutely beautiful and I can’t stop looking at the sky. I hope you like it as much as I do.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

How are you able to keep your real identity confidential? I have gone out with my wife en femme a couple of times in the last month (I’m very blessed to have a willing spouse) on girl friend dates and wonder what would happen if someone needs to see my license (show my ID) or need to use a rest room and a family restroom is not near by?

When I am out en femme, I always make sure I have enough cash for what I will be doing that day. Very rarely has Hannah needed to use “his” credit card. When I have needed to do so in the past, I have usually swiped it myself but I have needed to hand it to the salesclerk as well. This used to cause me a great deal of anxiety but I don’t think about it too much. For starters, anyone who sees me in the real world knows I am trans, so me handing them a credit card with a boy name on it isn’t that surprising to them. Salesclerks and cashiers also see a hundreds of customers a day, so it’s unlikely they will remember the name on a credit card that one customer used.

Also, I am not anyone famous or well-known or… anything in my male life. If I told you my boy name it’s incredibly unlikely you’ve heard of me. And why would you? My male life (as wonderful as it is) is unremarkable and boring. Basically, no on cares about who I am and that’s just fine with me 🙂

On a related note, you can usually ask your bank or credit card company for a duplicate card with a different name on it. Some t-girls have a credit card for her and one for him.

As for my ID, I have only needed to show my ID twice when out en femme and that was to enter a bar. Since I rarely go to bars this isn’t an issue but like using my credit card, no one is going to remember my name… or care who I really am. Superman is Superman, no one cares about Clark Kent, you know?

As for using the restroom, if there is a family restroom available I will use that, but if not, I will use the ladies room. This has never been an issue for me.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love my Body

Once I stopped fretting about my shoulders, I happily went shopping for a few dresses that I had always wanted to wear but never had the courage to do so. I took my new dresses and confidence to my photo shoot from July and had an amazing day.

I love this dress, and I love these photos, but I am wondering if this girl needs some cleavage? 😉 I wear forms and I like the shape they give me but it might be fun to have a little more… oomph 🙂

Love, Hannah

From Concealing to Revealing

When I first started to fully dress I looked for clothes that would minimize some of my features. I found a new appreciation for layering and how contouring could downplay some of my more masculine facial features. When I started to go out of the house, I did my best to blend in instead of standing out.

But somewhere along the way in my (sigh) journey I stopped caring. I cared less about blending in and embraced my height and the fact that I am transgender and everyone who sees me or interacts with me knows I am transgender. I am going to stand out, so I may as well wear the stilettos and the bright pink dress.

But as confident as I was, I still avoided certain styles, namely dresses that revealed more of my shoulders than I was comfortable with. Spaghetti straps were a no-no. But a few months ago I had an epiphany. Global pandemics can do that to you. I decided that I was holding myself back, and I was tired of it.

So I bought the dresses I wanted to wear and I have never looked back. I wore the dress that kind of inspired this whole new way of thinking for a photo shoot in June and I wore several more of them for a shoot last month.

I have been doing more shopping online than I normally do. Again, a global pandemic can do that to you, but a dress kept popping up as a suggestion. I thought the dress was super cute but I thought I couldn’t pull it off as it was a little more revealing than what I normally wore.

But then I thought the hell with it and clicked “add to cart”.

A couple weeks later I wore it for a photo shoot and I would love to share some of the photos from that day. I hope you like them and I hope we all can overcome these invisible barriers in our lives.

Love, Hannah

Happy National Underwear Day!

Apparently today is National Underwear Day, so, uh, happy National Underwear Day for those who celebrate.

On one hand, I look at clothes as fabric that cover our bodies and there’s really no logical reason to genderize them in any way. On the other hand…. OMG, is there anything more feminine than panties?

I’d be lying if I said that selecting my panties for the day wasn’t one of my favorite moments. I love doing this because it represents me being comfortable with my gender identity. For too long I was afraid of wearing what I wanted to wear.

I would like to take a moment to recognize some of my favorite places to buy panties and lingerie. I support these business and I hope you do too!

Let me know if I am missing anyone!

Lingerie for Girls Like Us

The Breast Form Store

En Femme

Homme Mystere

Glamour Boutique

Xdress

Allies

Allure Lingerie

Glamorous Corset

Third Love

Love, Hannah

Shockingly Bold

When getting your makeup done, it’s helpful to be prepared with what you are looking for. Are you looking for a everyday look? Are you getting your makeup done for a special event?

When I am getting a makeover, whether it is for a photo shoot for for going out, I always tell my stylist that I am looking for BOLD. Thick, dark eyeliner, bright red lips, lashes…

I like the boldness because, well, I think I can pull it off. I also like the boldness because I am going to stand out regardless, so I may as well go all the way. High stilettos, head-turning dress, so I may as well have makeup to die for.

I have been going out for a long time (or at least it seems that way) and I have been everywhere from cafes to gas stations to very nice restaurants to a church. Sometimes what I do and where I go match my makeup in the sense that what I am doing could be considered bold. In fact, there are some things I do that I never thought I would have the courage to do, but here I am.

A few months ago I had posted a selfie in a public bathroom and it went viral on Twitter for all the wrong reasons. My photo was retweeted and commented on and sparked a rather hostile “conversation” about transwomen using the ladies room. It was a pretty terrible thing to experience.

At first I didn’t realize I was being attacked. The first comment from the harassers was something along the lines of “shockingly bold”. I replied, “Thank you!” to this person. Of course, after checking out the profile of the person who commented I realized that it was not a compliment. When I first read it, I interpreted it as them being… impressed? that I as a t-girl was not only out of the house, but doing something normal, like taking selfies in the ladies room.

In my defense, it was easy to misinterpret this comment. But I am not in the habit of defending or explaining what I do or who I am to haters.

I found myself thinking about this experience the other day. We can’t control or change how someone sees us or what they say to us. But we can control how we react. We can choose how to respond, if we chose to respond at all. Naively, I assumed they were complimenting me. That is how I chose to interpret their comment. I was way off, but that was my reaction. Perhaps that says something about my ego, but I digress.

I decided long ago that I can’t change someone’s mind, their attitude, or what is in their heart. I can tell them that transwomen are women, I can tell them to leave me alone… but none of this works.

If I walk down the street or through the mall, and someone points or calls me a slur I just ignore them. They are trying to provoke me, they are trying to make me angry, they are trying to hurt me any way they can, they are trying to get me to respond. It’s up to me if I let them get to me.

Of course, this is easier said than done, and sometimes this does get to me, but I certainly don’t turn my head when someone calls me a… well, you know.

I heard someone say that it’s not what they call you, it’s what you respond to, and God, they are so right. Be bold, even shockingly so. For yourself. For no on else.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I’m curious; do you ever wear perfume? If so, what perfumes would you recommend for a t-girl? I’m thinking of giving perfume a try, and would love your thoughts.

One of my favorite things about being en femme are the small, subtle things. Those tiny details, like the color of your heels being the same shade of red as your necklace. Wearing a bright pink dress and standing out in the mall is one thing, a tiny detail that few notice is another.

Perfume is like that. It’s not as noticeable as a really intense shade of lipstick, but rather a small thing triggering a different sense.

But as much as I love being enveloped by small feminine touches, I rarely wear perfume. I do when I am out for the night, but if there’s a chance I have to be in male mode after spending part of the day en femme, then I usually skip it as I am paranoid about any lingering evidence, if you will.

As for recommendations, I usually just borrow something from my wife. I don’t pay attention to the labels, just the scent. It’s funny, I can tell you the exact name and shade of the foundation I wear or the designer of the stiletto I am wearing, but I couldn’t tell you what perfume I am wearing at any given moment. 🙂

I don’t know if department stores are doing perfume samples with COVID, but I would suggest visiting Macy’s (they are usually very transfriendly) and seeing (and smelling) what they have.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

A few questions…
1) How do you parents and siblings react to Hannah?
2) What were your sources and how did you manage being Hannah growing up?
3) Why did you change your last name from Gotta to McKnight?


My mom has only met Hannah once… and it was a little weird for both of us. I had hoped it would have been an opportunity for her to get to know me better, but it wasn’t met to be. I had hope for a long time that things could change, but I think that ship has sailed.

My sisters only met Hannah once or twice. My mom and sisters are wonderful, accepting people, but again, I think it’s a little weird for them. I don’t press it.

I didn’t identify as transgender until I as in my early 30’s. I didn’t see myself as bi-gender until around that same time. Thus, Hannah wasn’t around when I was growing up. If that makes sense… and I bet it does to a lot of you.

My femme last name wasn’t ever really ‘Gotta’. When I started posting online I needed a name of course, and I came up with “Hannah Gotta” as it rhymed with “onnagata” the Japanese word for male actors who play women’s roles in Japanese Kabuki theatre. Onnagata sort of rhymes with Hannah Gotta, so that’s the name I used when I was online. I think I was trying to be clever and I never meant for “gotta” to be a last name. Eventually I decided I needed a proper last name and I decided on McKnight.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Impossible Things

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” 

Lewis Carroll

When the pandemic hit and the little things and the big things were impacted, I looked at a lot of aspects to my life. I was reminded how important it as to support small, independent businesses that were affected by the shutdown. I realized I took meeting friends for dinner for granted. And of course, I realized just how important Hannah is to me.

I mean, I AM Hannah, and obviously we should be important to ourselves, but without having the option to get a makeover and spending the day en femme I was reminded how crucial it is to be me, to be all of me.

Being alive, being who we are, is a reason to celebrate. If you have accepted and embraced your gender identity you have accomplished something incredibly significant and special.

As restrictions started to lift and it was possible (and just a little safer) to get a makeover, I reevaluated my life. Both of my lives. We only live once, and life is too short not to wear that dress.

Yesterday I had a photo shoot with my friend and photographer of five years Shannonlee. There was no reason for the shoot. It wasn’t to review a dress or a shoe, it wasn’t for En Femme, it was just for fun (not to say shoots for reviews or for En Femme aren’t fun, they are, but you know what I mean). The theme of the shoot, if you will, was to wear a few dresses I have always wanted to wear. The location was the Stone Arch Bridge, one of my favorite places in the world.

I think many of us have at least one thing about their body they wish they could change. For me, I wish I didn’t have such broad and muscular (i.e. masculine) shoulders. But I had a moment of clarity earlier this year and I decided to just wear whatever I wanted, shoulders be damned.

So I did.

Yesterday’s shoot featured several dresses that I never thought I would wear. Two of them had halter straps and one had straps about as thin as dental floss. The point is that my shoulders were as exposed as they could possibly be. A year ago I would have thought this would be impossible.

And I never felt more beautiful, confident, and powerful.

Here’s a bit of a preview of yesterday’s shoot. I hope you like them and I hope you all cast away your doubts and fears about what holds you back, in all aspects of your lives.

Love, Hannah