Hannah McKnight

I get a fair amount of criticism.

Some of it is very constructive, actually. If I get a critical email and I, well, kind of scrunch up my nose at it… well, it’s usually an indication that the emailer has a point. Like, the criticism is so obvious in retrospective that I am annoyed I didn’t realize it.

For example!

Sometimes I try to look bitchy? Seductive? in my photos. I try to pair my facial expression and body language with what I am wearing. If I am wearing a leather dress I am trying to look dominating. If I am modeling lingerie I do my best ‘come-hither’ bedroom eye.

Photos tend to generate a lot of emails. A common comment is that I should smile more. I used to shrug these suggestions off. I mean, don’t tell a girl to smile, right? But someone wrote that I looked, well, completely bored in a set of photos.

I scrunched up my nose.

Dammit, they were absolutely correct. I did look bored. I didn’t look seductive or intimidating, I looked like I would rather be doing anything else in the world.

This is what I mean by constructive criticism. I don’t expect everyone in the world to like me or like what I post, I do get some hate mail after all. And that’s fine. I really don’t understand why someone would go through the trouble of sending an email telling me UR ugly LOL or whatever. I suppose the intention is to hurt my feelings. On a good day I brush those comments off like flecks of mascara.

On a bad day? That’s a different story.

My perspective is that if you are going to offer your opinion perhaps, I don’t know, be gentle? Be specific? If I write one of my infamous and rambling posts on, well, whatever I write about and you disagree? Totally cool. BUT what I really value and appreciate is being told WHY my perspective isn’t always the be all and end all.

Of course, I don’t assume I am always right and I would never presume to speak for everyone. If someone has their own perspective based on their own experiences I really do like hearing it. Being challenged (so to speak) helps people see things in someone else’s stilettos.

For example!

I write a lot about respecting the boundaries that our partners may request of us when it comes to this of us. My thinking is that our crossdressing, our gender identity, is a lot for us to ask of our partners and if they request that we don’t do something, such as posting photos or going to certain malls, then I think it’s a small sacrifice (if you will) for us to make.

BUT some of you have emailed me saying that perhaps a situation isn’t as simple as I think it is. Perhaps some of these requests and boundaries are, well, unfair to us.

And goodness you were right. Your gentle and constructive criticism helped shaped my perspective. It was a reminder that hardly anything in marriage is black and white and that hardly anything when it comes to gender is blue and pink.

When I am, well, wrong, I like to think that I do a decent job acknowledging it. It’s not uncommon for me to think or say or feel or write something and then my perspective… softens a bit after a little time passes or when someone comments on what I said. I try to be open to another’s assessment of a situation which isn’t easy for that person… it’s sometimes hard to tell someone else that they might be wrong. Honestly? I admire and respect that.

Sometimes people who post comments and criticism contradict each other. This is a reminder that what I write isn’t always going to make everyone always happy. When I write posts about how much I love clothes or when I post pictures I get emails calling me superficial and I should write more about serious topics. When I DO write about legislation targeting the LGBTQ+ community I get called a snowflake and I should stop discussing politics.

In today’s episode of “Hannah Rambling On and On and On” I would like to chat about comments I get on occasion that are about the things I do. And that sounds really broad but what I mean is that I am sometimes told I have no idea what a “real woman” goes through.

Two things right off the bat:

I make the assumption that they mean cisgender women. Transwomen ARE women.

Secondly, I have never claimed that the things that Hannah does, either with her life or in her day, are things that ALL women do.

It’s true that I don’t know what a cisgender woman’s life or day is like. I am not a cisgender woman. But taking that a little further, I don’t know what ANYONE’S life is like. There are almost eight billion people on the planet and the only life I know is my own. I don’t know what my brother’s life is like. I don’t know what my colleague’s lives are like outside of work. We all have different experiences based on the zillion different things that make up who we are and what we do.

I don’t know what “women go through”. I don’t know what it’s like to give birth but many women don’t know what this is like either. Giving birth is not something that all women can relate to. I don’t know what it’s like to be underpaid for the same job that a male co-worker does, given that there is pay inequality in the workforce. I don’t know what it’s like for the government to make decisions that concern my healthcare.

I can relate to some of the things that my wife experiences but she has different experiences in her day and throughout her life. I can relate to her when she discovers her favorite foundation was discontinued but I can’t relate when she has her period.

I’m sometimes told that being a girl isn’t all makeovers and photo shoots. Of course it isn’t. I don’t do these things because I think “I’m a girl and girls do boudoir pictures and have expensive makeovers”. I do these things for a few reasons. On one hand photo shoots are things that are part of “my job”, whether it’s because I am shooting a video or doing a product review or modeling a dress. These are moments that are very unique and very uncommon… for all genders. I know that most people don’t do these things.

And I also do photo shoots and have makeup appointments because they are super fun. Some people spend Saturday mornings playing golf, I strut around a mall.

I know life is work and an endless to-do list of paying bills and going to your job and commuting and doctor visits and forever cleaning a house. But I don’t think these things are indicative of one’s gender. I don’t think there are many things that my wife and I do BECAUSE of our anatomy or gender identity. We both pay bills, we both go to the doctor (albeit for different reasons sometimes), we both clean…

This is the every day stuff. Stuff that almost everyone does, no matter if they are cis or trans.

The things Hannah does are things that I enjoy doing en femme. I hate the mall but I really enjoy when Hannah spends the day at the mall. Being en femme is… a representation of taking a little break from my normal day, my normal life. To me, it’s not unlike going on a vacation. Some people take a week off and never check their work email or think about their responsibilities while they relax on a beach. My “vacation” is a little different but I think they accomplish the same things… a nice little break from chores and my job.

We all have different things we enjoy doing. And I really don’t think these things are BECAUSE of our gender identity. My wife? She loves murder podcasts. My best friend? He enjoys making vegetarian food. My sister skateboards. My niece plays drums. The things I do in my male life are not things that I do BECAUSE of HIS gender. He reads, he likes art, he likes going for hikes. Are these things because of his gender? No.

So while it’s true that Hannah does things that most women don’t do, I really don’t know WHAT things people do BECAUSE of their gender identity. We do things that we are interested in… whether watching makeup tutorials or restoring a vintage car. I think the things that Hannah does are typical for the things that a wannabe model/blogger does… regardless of their gender.

Love, Hannah

It was the most glamorous of dresses, it was the cutest of dresses.

I spent a Saturday out en femme recently before I met up with the MN T-Girls. When I have a day out planned I think about what I will wear. Sometimes my outfit is determined by the weather or whatever I am up to that day. Sometimes it’s a new dress I can’t wait to wear.

For days I don’t “have” to wear something specific I’ll go through my closet and see what jumps out at me. I used to do this a few days before my outing but I realized that even when I do have something chosen I almost always change my mind. Annnnd I usually choose something a little cuter, a little tighter, a little shorter.

I think I do this because once I begin getting ready my…. hm, my confidence and excitement kicks in. I feel… powerful, I feel beautiful, I feel bold. Practicality and modesty are tossed out the window.

On this particular day I chose one of my favorite dresses ever:

I strutted around all day and felt amazing.

I visited a couple of malls and I popped into White House Black Market. I love their dresses and outfits but they are usually out of my price range. I do own a few of their dresses that I was lucky enough to find at second-hand shops and they always fit well and are very flattering. I started to browse through the clearance rack and saw this dress:

Loved it.

It was a size higher than I normally wear and sometimes one size in either direction can make a significant difference but the material wasn’t stretchy at all so I thought it might look okay.

“God, I hope she does”.

I try not to react to conversations I am not part of but I think going out en femme has conditioned me to be aware of my surroundings. I am not eavesdropping but I need to be listening to people near me in case they are saying something threatening.

I turned and looked in the direction of the voice. A woman smiled and said “yes, I’m talking about you. I hope you buy that dress because you would look amazing in it.”

I flustered a little bit as I doubt I will ever become accustomed to pure kindness and sincerity when I am en femme. Most people are polite of course but someone initiating small talk with me, from girl to girl… it’s absolutely affirming.

Much, much, much better than “passing” could ever feel. The woman had to know I was transgender AND chatted with me, chatted ABOUT me….

Anyway, I am probably overthinking this.

My flustering was also fueled by being complimented. Something I know I will never get used to.

She said that she was telling the salesgirl that she hoped I would buy the dress. I stammered and likely replied that I was thinking about it or something.

So of course I had no choice but to try it on. Annnnd as soon as I zipped it up I knew it would be mine. I loved it. And I wore it out of the dressing room, out of the store, and out of the mall.

Well, after I paid for it, obviously.

The T-Girls and I were invited to a private makeup demonstration and shopping at Cos Bar in a more upscale part of Minneapolis. Since I am habitually early for everything I arrived to outdoor promenade where Cos Bar and other shops were located. I wandered around for a bit and popped into a few stores including a very cute lingerie boutique. I wanted to buy something but when I saw that a pair of panties I was considering was over one hundred dollars I decided that I should be somewhat fiscally responsible.

I passed by a wedding gown shop and as I walked by I could catch a glimpse of a young woman showing off a dress to her friends… I suppose they were likely her future bridesmaids. She looked radiant, her smile showing how much she loved the dress… and it goes without saying it was a beautiful gown.

The daydream of shopping for such a dress with friends popped into my head and I felt a mixture of jealousy and longing and excitement. I’m sure I’ll make that daydream come true someday.

After our evening of makeup and shopping I made my way back to my car. My new dress was super cute but like almost every dress I own, it was, well, tailored to show off my legs. I was cold. It was late. I strutted as quick as could… which isn’t very quick considering how well heels and ice get along.

I passed by the dress shop once again. Since the shop was closed I could linger a little longer without the risk of people inside thinking I was being creepy. My eyes were drawn to this stunning gown.

My daydream from earlier continued into imaging a gala, a ballroom, a black tie affair… an evening of beauty and glamour. An evening where a gown like this would be perfect.

I felt the familiar pangs, the longing, my imagination running wild.

I felt the chill of the air, the cold creeping on my legs, my body shivering.

I reluctantly pulled myself from the glass and went home to dream.

Love, Hannah

I like hobbies.

I like having things that I enjoy doing which give me a little break from my day to day life. In my boy life it could be reading or taking my dog for a walk. I like when other people have hobbies, too. Career ambitions are one thing, but I am more curious about the small things people enjoy.

Do you like to paint? Collect baseball cards? Play an instrument? Bake? Geocatch?

It’s these things that make us whole and in my opinion, make people interesting.

I do think we are in a culture where everything has to be a side hustle. Turning your hobby into a business venture, I suppose. If you paint, try to sell your art. Collect baseball cards? Find rare ones and sell them. Play guitar? Send your demo to producers. Aspiring drag performer? Upload a video to YouTube and hope RuPaul sees it. And so on.

Some people are led to believe that their hobby has to lead to fame or profit. This is stupid. A hobby is something that makes you happy. Putting pressure on yourself to find a way to make your passion profitable might run the risk of losing the joy that it brings you.

Your hobby shouldn’t stress you out. You shouldn’t look at your canvas and feel anxious about how creating art isn’t making you famous or rich.

We need things in our lives that are completely free of outside pressure. Things that bring joy shouldn’t bring stress or a feeling of obligation.

To clarify, baking, painting, playing an instrument does indeed take work. Practice makes progress, after all. But the work should be satisfying. There should be an element of joy as you try and as you make mistakes and as you learn from them. It shouldn’t FEEL like work, even if it IS work.

Your hobby doesn’t HAVE to be profitable. While it’s true that sometimes one’s passion does indeed turn into a career. And how amazing would that be? Of course, it could lead to feeling like your hobby is, well, an obligation. All of sudden you’ve gone from uploading videos of you playing guitar to being a part of the the music business and working with managers and producers and the like. You spend more time talking to your lawyer than you do playing.

And then you need a new hobby, I suppose.

Crossdressing/femme presentation ISN’T a hobby. It’s who I am. BUT in some ways my gender identity is similar to one. Something that makes me very happy, something that I invest time and energy and money into. It’s not unlike investing a lot of money into a fancy fishing pole or what have you.

In some ways I feel that this side of me has created… hm, obligations in my life.

And that happens. Sometimes something that brings you happiness can lead to stress and responsibilities. It’s not unlike a hobby turning into a job. If you paint and someone commissions you for art, then you are obligated to create something… even if you don’t feel like painting.

When I started a website a million years ago, I knew that I would need to commit to it. I would need to put effort into what I posted and I would need to keep a consistent and regular schedule. I couldn’t just update once or twice a month.

This is not throwing shade at bloggers who don’t update regularly. This takes a lot of energy and time. It’s not easy.

When I started the MN T-Girls ten years ago I knew I was trying to create something important. It needed dedication. Having support groups for transwomen was important and if I wanted to start one I would need to commit to it. I couldn’t flake out on it.

To clarify, Hannah ISN’T an obligation. Her group, her website, her modeling, her writing, IS. I am fortunate to have the T-Girls, a website, and photo shoots but I knew that these would be things I would need to commit to.

(However, in a way, we need to nurture and acknowledge our femme side… we should consider ourselves, our gender identity/identities as important.)

As the years have flown by and as the things I commit to grow, I spend time en femme doing things that are indeed work. When Hannah started to leave the safety of the living room I would be at a mall or a museum. When I started the MN T-Girls, my outings en femme expanded to meeting up with the girls. When I started to model, my time en femme sometimes meant photo shoots.

And to be clear I love love love spending time with the T-Girls. I love photo shoots. I am so lucky to have a group like this. I am so lucky to have the opportunities that modeling gives. Photo shoots are so fun.

And.

They are things I commit to. I can’t bail on meeting up with the T-Girls because I am feeling lazy. I can’t cancel a photo shoot for En Femme because I made other plans.

Backing out impacts other people. Canceling a T-Girl event would likely disappoint a girl that was looking forward to it. Canceling a photo shoot impacts my photographer financially AND leaves En Femme in the lurch.

I have canceled T-Girl events, to be clear. One time was for a blizzard and we took two short hiatuses during the early days of COVID.

I imagine there will be times in the future when I DO have to cancel something (an event or a photo shoot) for a sudden, personal reason but thankfully that hasn’t happened yet. As committed as I am to the T-Girls and my partnerships, my wife always comes first.

As ambitious and as busy as I am, I do feel lazy sometimes. I look forward to weekends that have minimum commitments. My day job can be stressful and exhausting and I am often working up to sixty hours a week. That’s a lot! It’s nice to look forward to a Saturday with nothing planned.

But Hannah might have plans.

And to be clear, they are always super fun plans. Meeting the T-Girls! Photo shoot! Shopping! Makeover!

And.

These plans always have an element of work with them. Organizing a T-Girl event doesn’t just happen. Photo shoots take an insane amount of planning and coordinating. And! There’s a… process when it comes to femme presentation. This usually begins the night before when I shave. Everywhere.

EVERYWHERE.

The morning of a femme day usually starts early. The alarm yells at me and I quickly have to remember what I’m doing that day, whether it’s work or needing to shovel the driveway (again) or glam up for pictures. I’ll have a coffee while I respond to emails or scroll through Twitter and once the mug is empty, I usually sit for a moment.

And I admit sometimes that a lazy day sounds, well, nice.

I think about everything that the day is going to require… from cinching up my corset to getting dressed to going to my makeup appointment to the photo studio to the wardrobe changes…

And I am tired all over again.

BUT to be clear, I am also excited. I do not take my life for granted.

Listen.

I know some of the things that I do are things that many of us dream about. They are the things that I used to dream about. And I still do. I do not want it to sound like I am complaining… because I am not.

Once I pour that second cup of coffee and turn on a little music and begin to get dressed the excitement is automatic. Again I think about everything that the day is going to require… from cinching up my corset to getting dressed to going to my makeup appointment to the photo studio to the wardrobe changes… and the thrill once again awakens. And that thrill is loud.

My femme side makes me so happy. Doing what I do makes me so happy. Although the things Hannah does, the things Hannah commits to, are indeed work, they have never taken away the absolute joy and bliss her life brings.

Some people are hesitant to monetize their hobby, their passion, lest they lose the joy they gain from it. Totally understandable. Again, there’s a difference between things that are work AND things that feel like work. Hannah’s life IS work but there’s an absolute happiness in it.

And to be clear, Hannah’s life is not profitable. Not in the slightest. The expenses related to a shoot, whether it’s my makeover, studio rental, and payment to my photographer all outweigh any paycheck I have ever received.

Thankfully all the energy and money and time that has gone into everything my life “requires” it has never even come close to feeling like work.

Love, Hannah

I tend to look at gender in two very different ways.

Gender identity and gender presentation is super fun.

Gender identity and gender presentation are super serious things.

And yes these perspectives and opinions do seemingly contradict each other.

I get emails quite often from people who are in the early days of acknowledging that their gender isn’t as black and white (or as blue and pink) as they thought it was.

And this realization is quite vexing and frightening to them. It’s normal for this acceptance to cause a lot of overthinking, self-analysis, and anxiety.

What does this mean? What should I do? What am I? Who am I?

These questions are normal. And expected. And honestly? Likely unanswerable at this part of one’s journey.

When I get an email from someone who is clearly overwhelmed and confused by their realization that they don’t always want to wear trousers or the color blue or what have you, they are usually very lost. It’s not unlike waking up in a land that is completely new and you have no idea how to navigate this world.

I am asked questions in these emails about identity and labels and like I mentioned earlier, these questions are likely unanswerable at this point. The sender doesn’t have the answers and I don’t either.

I feel honored that I am asked a question that is so personal. I am grateful for the trust that this person is putting into me. They are likely at one of the most life-changing moments in their life.

It’s a new world, baby.

So, what do I tell the person who is asking questions that don’t have an answer (yet)?

I tell them to have fun.

Buy that dress. Sleep in that nightgown. Wear that cute bra and panty set.

This response is a little surprising for some, I think. And I don’t mean to come off as discounting their very serious questions. My thinking is that they have accepted that there is more to them than they ever imagined. I feel that they have started to become who they are and although the path ahead will not always be easy, it will be filled with pretty clothes and moments that make them happier than they ever imagined.

Essentially I am suggesting that they stop fighting these feelings, and, well, give it to them.

Buy that dress. Sleep in that nightgown. Wear that cute bra and panty set.

And then? See where this goes. Try not to overthink. Try not to overanalyze. One step at a time. Slip into those stilettos and see how it feels. Does it feel right? Do they make you happy?

You don’t have to completely cannonball into the pool of femme presentation. I am not suggesting that someone has to empty their bank account and buy a wig and breast forms and makeup because honestly those aspects of presentation aren’t right for everyone.

Start small and see where this goes. Baby steps, baby.

I tell them not to get too in the weeds with labels. It’s not for someone else to decide if you are a crossdresser or non-binary or agender or transgender or anything else. Besides, the word you identify with will likely change and evolve over time.

I feel this response is a little unexpected to them. It’s a seemingly casual response to a question that is Very Big and Very Serious. But I feel discovering yourself and acknowledging who you are is, well, I think it’s a lot of fun. It’s an adventure.

Burdening yourself with labels and what all of this means and where this is all going will overwhelm someone. And I know I overthink all the time and I sound a little hypocritical here but overanalyzing our identity will, well, take away the natural realization of who we are.

We don’t have to figure this side of us out right away. We have our whole lives ahead of us to do that. For now, enjoy the journey. Take in the sights. Take your time.

On the flip side, I’ll get emails from people who are full steam ahead. Usually these emails are a little jarring, equivalent to a car going from zero to a zillion miles an hour. Most of these messages are along the lines of “I’ve always wanted to try crossdressing and now I want to be a full-time girl!”.

No exaggeration.

It’s not unlike someone saying “I’ve always wanted to eat pasta so I am packing my suitcase and moving to Italy!”

Girl, slooooow down.

You want to try crossdressing? Okay, cool. Buy a pair of panties. Paint your nails. Go from there. Making the jump from never wearing “girl clothes” to living full time is incredibly hasty.

To further the travel metaphor a bit, when I was in high school I wanted more than anything to live in downtown Chicago. It just seemed COOL. And then I went to Chicago. And although Chicago is amazing and beautiful I realized that…. mm, maybe living in the heart of a bustling metropolis isn’t for me. I was glad I figured that out before I did anything.

Anyway, when someone messages me about wanting to take estrogen and living full-time I tell them that they should seek out a therapist that specializes in gender and to talk to their doctor.

And honestly? I think it’s the last thing they expect me to say.

To be clear, I don’t mean to kill their enthusiasm. Not at all. BUT transitioning is likely the biggest decision someone can make in their lives and it’s one that I feel needs the guidance and care that medical and psychiatric professionals should be guiding you through.

Besides, if you’ve never “tried” crossdressing how on earth do you know that you want to medically/legally change your gender or gender presentation? What if you don’t like it? What if the first time you slip into a dress you realize that MAYBE femme presentation isn’t for you? AND! what if this IS all about clothes? AND! gender presentation and gender identity doesn’t always mean one has to, well, choose a gender. I mean, I don’t feel I need to pick a gender to live as for the rest of my life. I’m bi-gender, I’m good with whatever.

Sometimes I get a little pushback from people who tell me they want to be a girl. Like, why so serious? Isn’t it fun to wear dresses and makeup? To be clear, yes, it is. But be realistic. Being a girl isn’t just about clothes. You don’t have to transition to wear a skirt. If someone is going to transition, I feel it should be for reasons that are more than just wanting a certain wardrobe.

I suppose I could summarize my perspective like this: discovering who you are should be fun. Deciding on a major life change should be taken seriously.

Love, Hannah