The T in Autism

by Hannah

Soooo in case you missed it I told ya’ll I am autistic.

Like anyone who is gender non-confirming, every autistic person is different.

One of the aspects of who I am that contributed to my diagnoses is my ability to see patterns and my habit of looking for them. What I mean is I am fairly good at detecting a change in someone’s behavior or habits and speculating on what might be causing it.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that every little thing someone does or stops or starts doing means that there is something else going on, but for many people they follow a routine and usually don’t deviate from that.

When someone does, I tend to try to figure out what might be, ah, inspiring this change. I don’t know why I do this. Perhaps it’s because I am fairly predictable and like to stick to a routine, no matter how small. When I flip the script there’s usually a reason.

Looking for a change in someone else’s, well, anything, whether it’s the tone of a text or anything else and then trying to figure out the reason behind it is exhausting and leads me to me overthinking and overanalyzing something. This can (and does) drive others in my life crazy and can cause paranoia on my end.

If someone interacts with me that is different, even slightly, then my inquisitive mind gets to work. I wonder if they are having a bad day or if something is bothering them.

There have been times when someone is out of character or distant or, you know, their vibe is off, and I’ve wondered if, well, they knew something about me that I didn’t know they did.

For example!

Years ago I rented a room in my friend’s house. He was out for the day and I was getting caught up on my laundry. I had clothes, including panties, in the washing machine. I stepped out for an errand and to my surprise he was home early. No big deal, it’s his house and he can do what he wants, lol.

He asked me to let me know when I was finished with laundry because he had opened the washing machine and saw I had clothes in there.

And of course, the first thing I thought was whether or not he saw any pink or lace or pink lace in there.

I paid close attention to him for a while to see if there was any change in his demeanor or in the way he interacted with me. If he was off, well, maybe it would be because he KNEW. I looked for any change in his tone. You know, a change in his predictable pattern and routine.

I don’t think I need to remind anyone that wears panties or is gender non-conforming that paranoia protects us… at the cost of our sanity, lol.

After a few days of my roommate being, well, normal, I breathed a sigh of relief and made the hopefully correct assumption that I had avoided being caught.

Having this ability to recognize patterns and picking up on even the tiniest change in someone’s vibe or routine has helped me in a lot of ways. Being able to prepare for something, anything, is helpful for any potential feelings of anxiety. This ability is one of the traits that many autistic people have. We tend to like routine, but I think to be more specific, we like predictability. It’s not that I have a difficult time when plans change, it’s more like…. well, let’s have another example.

Let’s say my wife and I made plans to wake up, get some coffee, run a couple errands, and then order pizza for dinner. Nothing epic but it sounds like a nice day.

But! Let’s say that life happens and instead of sticking with our plans, she has to spend time doing something for work and I am asked to pick someone up from the airport or whatever.

So, coffee and errands are nixed, and I’ll be outside the terminal waiting for someone when I was originally going to be eating pizza.

It’s not that I can’t handle the change, it’s more like… I had been thinking about the original plans since we made them. I knew what the day was going to be like. I could see it, I could imagine it. It was predictable. I knew what to expect.

And then the script gets flipped and I feel a little off guard and I am not prepared for the day.

And yes that sounds a little silly. I don’t need to really mentally prepare for the new plans, but I prefer to know what to expect when it comes to anything.

And I think that’s why I have such tension with my boss. He’s not predictable. He can be chill for a bit and then completely fly off the handle at the most random thing. I never know what will set him off. There’s no pattern to his emotion or reactions. It’s absolutely walking on eggshells.

And yes, we all have plans that fall through. And yes, we may get disappointed when they don’t happen, especially when it was something we were looking forward to. But for me, I have a hard time rolling with changes to plans. I spend time mentally preparing for something, and then BAM! A change. I have to mentally prepare for something new, something different.

There were a LOT of things that lead to my diagnoses. I had a lot of appointments with different specialists and doctors and I did a lot of tests and assessments. I was very open and honest with everything. I wanted to KNOW if I was autistic. I wanted to know if there was, well, a reason, an explanation for my stimming and my hyperfocus on patterns and the anxiety I develop when plans change.

Some of the other traits that contributed were my lack of social skills, inability to pick up on social norms (more on this in a bit), my vocabulary, how easily I am overstimulated and overwhelmed, my short social battery, and my hyperfocus on my interests. I either have no time for something or I am almost obsessed with it. (But I don’t like the word “obsessed” for things that people are passionate about.) I either know a LOT about SOMETHING or I have zero interest in it.

I mean, this blog is pretty much proof of how much I think and know and care about gender identity.

Real quick side note on my social battery: If you know me in real life, especially if you know me through the MN T-Girls, I am usually the first to leave the event. Organizing and preparing (especially mentally) for something is very draining for me and I tend to be ready to leave before most of the other girls.

Honestly having this diagnoses confirmed was a huge relief to me. These days instead of wondering why I do whatever, I take comfort in knowing that it’s a common autism trait and it’s one of the things that lead to my diagnoses.

It’s not unlike having a different gender identity. Instead of wondering why I like to wear what I wear or wondering why this side of me makes me happy, I just remember I do what I do and I am who I am because I am transgender.

Up until now, I could talk about my autism with people in my boy life, and I could talk about my gender identity with, well, you, but I couldn’t really talk to anyone about both of them.

So, let’s talk about autism and gender identity, if that’s okay?

I’ve been hesitant to talk about my autism on here because I didn’t want people to look too in-depth about any sort of link between the two. I don’t think there IS a link per se, but I will expand on that in a moment. What I mean is that some people want to look for a reason someone crossdresses. Some of these reasons are things like someone is secretly gay or someone is a fetishist or someone is in denial about their gender identity or someone had a less than typical or a traumatic relationship with their parents and so on.

I don’t think there is a reason I am who I am beyond the reason being is that I am transgender. This side of me wasn’t born out of trauma or the repression of anything. This side of me is beautiful and something I love and embrace. Like my autism, I am so so so happy I am transgender. I don’t want people to think that any sort of neurodivergent diagnoses is a reason someone is gender non-conforming.

Although I was honest with my doctors during my assessments, I kept my gender identity to myself. I did wonder, of course, if my gender identity would be relevant to my autism and I think it is.

I don’t think that I am _____________ BECAUSE of _______________. And almost any adjective that I could describe myself with could be used in those blanks. It’s more like… everything is connected.

I think being autistic was a major factor when I started to crossdress. But more specifically, one of my traits didn’t prevent me from, well, wearing what I wanted to wear.

Some autistic people misinterpret social cues. I do. I have a hard time with adhering to social norms. If you’ve ever had a conversation with me in real life you may have noticed that I will, ah, just walk away in the middle of it. I promise I am not being rude. I promise I am conscious of it and I am working on it. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t like that I do this. HE does this a LOT more than SHE does.

I know a lot of us felt/feel that we are doing something wrong with wearing clothes that the gender we were assigned at birth doesn’t normally wear. With this can come shame and that’s an awful way to feel about something that is really beautiful.

But I never ever thought I was doing something wrong when I tried on, well, anything I could growing up.

I didn’t think there was anything wrong with a boy wearing a dress. This contradicts soooo many social norms and was even more true decades ago. I never felt I was doing anything wrong. Ever.

I still kept it a secret, though.

Why, though? Why did I conceal this when I didn’t think it was wrong? Three reasons.

My dad would have beat the daylights out of me if he knew. Although I didn’t think there was anything wrong with people wearing whatever they wanted, I knew my dad felt otherwise.

Secondly, I saw so many instances of men wearing a dress for a laugh in movies. I didn’t think that this side of me was funny and I didn’t want people to ridicule me. I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I wasn’t wearing what I was wearing for comedy.

And finally, my siblings and I were always told to ask for permission if we wanted to borrow something. I knew I couldn’t ask to borrow a dress for my sister (see reason one) so I kept this to myself because I was wearing a dress without asking her if it was okay.

I never thought what I was doing was wrong. Never. I learned as I grew that many people did, though. I didn’t know why and I still don’t know why.

Anyway, that’s enough introspective for a Friday. That’s probably enough vulnerability for a while, as well.

Have a lovely weekend!

Love, Hannah

Multitudes

by Hannah

People talk about my image
Like I come in two dimensions
Like lipstick is a sign of my declining mind
Like what I happen to be wearing
The day that someone takes a picture
Is my new statement for all womankind
-Ani DiFranco

One of the aspects that I love about having a femme gender identity are the wardrobe options. I love that I have an outfit for any conceivable event or occasion no matter how nuanced.

Of course, you don’t have to have any sort of binary gender identity to wear whatever you wish. You can identify as masculine AND wear a chiffon gown if you please.

I love how an outfit can completely change how I feel and what I project. A dress can communicate, if you know what I mean. I love the versatility, I love the variety, I love the potential of a dress.

But at the same time, it doesn’t always reflect who I am.

I’ve been modeling and reviewing clothes for a few years now and I’ve worn clothes that are perfect for who I am but also clothes that aren’t really “me”. It’s part of the job, if you follow. I’ve modeled pants! I am not a pants girl! But those pictures are out there.

I can, well, shut off the part of myself that associates a look with who I am at my core. I can wear an outfit like this…

..but I assure you that I do not have the intention (or the budget required) to be a domme.

This is true for any look or outfit that, well, I wouldn’t wear to the mall. I have a rhinestone studded collar with “SISSY” bejeweled on it that I’m wearing for this weekend’s photo shoot but the sissy lifestyle isn’t for me.

Although my gender identity can’t be trivialized as “playing dress up”, I absolutely love playing dress up.

I don’t ever intend a look or an outfit to definitively represent ME. A rubber dress doesn’t signify that I am a dominant mistress. Photo shoots are an opportunity to play around with a look or a style that I wouldn’t wear out in the real world.

Sometimes I tweet an outfit and some people react to it in a very extreme way. Begging me to not wear it. Telling me that the outfit is not who I am.

I have two thoughts when this happens. The first is that I wear a LOT of different outfits and they’ve ranged from lingerie to a ballgown to leather to polka dot. I suppose my thinking is that an outfit is just, well, another outfit. Part of modeling is wearing a lot of different clothes. Having this variety in my, ah, portfolio has caught the attention of others and has opened up other opportunities for other partnerships. I’ve had designers of sissy clothes ask me to review an item because they saw this picture:

…and I’ve had designers who make tucking/smoothing underwear contact me because they saw my lingerie pictures.

I suppose I don’t get too hung up on my physical body. It is what it is. Skin and fat and bones and blood. When I model I am essentially a clothes rack, lol. I liken trying on different clothes and different looks to trying different food. Trying Thai food doesn’t mean that it’s all I will eat for the rest of my life. I mean, it might be but I’ll never know what’s right for me until I try it.

My second thought is that someone MIGHT have an idea of who I am and gets… hm, upset if I wear something that contradicts who they think I am, or who they want me to be.

I don’t like being pigeonholed into something. I am not one-dimensional. I contain multitudes. We all do.

I suppose this thought has something to do with feeling an uncomfortableness that someone might have an idealized perspective of who I am, and who I should be. An ownership, in the most extreme circumstances.

But I can relate. There are bands that I’ve always liked that tried a different genre or music for a bit, whether it was a band who mostly played acoustic music but then recording a kind of techno record or when Taylor Swift made the shift from country to pop music. When a musician or an author tried something new part of me felt that this new genre, this new project wasn’t what I expected or wanted from them.

If you’re not familiar when Bob Dylan “plugged in”, you might want to check that out to get an idea about what I mean how fans or an audience perceive a change that their hero makes. These feelings can be anything from confusion to feeling betrayed.

Please know that I am absolutely not comparing myself to Taylor Swift or Bob Dylan. They are just two examples of someone trying something new or different that might be a bit of a departure in the eyes of their fans.

People try different things. They may not be the right decision but oftentimes they are incredibly fascinating projects. As someone said, make interesting mistakes.

Wearing an outfit for thirty minutes isn’t the same thing as wearing an outfit as I go about my day-to-day life. Yes, I might wear a black pvc minidress for a shoot at a studio, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to wear it to the mall.

So, I suppose my point is that if you don’t like what I’m wearing, like the weather, give it a few minutes and it’ll change.

Love, Hannah

P.S. This is another post that sounds waaaaaay bitchier than I mean it to. 🙂

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I would like to take my cross dressing to another level. What ever time I have left on this earth I want to live it as complete female. This has been my dream and desire since I was very young. Please help if you can

Hi!

This all comes down to your goals and your perspective.

What does crossdressing/living as “a complete female” mean to you? Does it simply mean wearing femme clothes in boy mode? Does it mean buying a wig and learning makeup and wearing breast forms? Does it mean estrogen/orchidectomy/legally changing your gender and name? Is it a something in the middle?

I don’t mean to casually simplify this major change in your life but I ask that you reflect a little about what you want and what feels right for you.

I think your first step is to find a therapist. If you can find someone who specializes in gender, even better. If you have a regular doctor you may also consider asking for their guidance as well.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

So. Many. Wardrobe. Changes

by Hannah

Last weekend Shannonlee and I filmed the next videos for En Femme‘s Help Me Hannah series. Each video was more or less about my fave topic: clothes. So, each video required outfit changes that went with whatever I was rambling on and on about.

I tend to exaggerate but if I did my math correctly (and there’s a good chance I didn’t), I wore ten different outfits in about three hours.

As I quickly changed from a bodycon dress to a skirt or into leggings, I couldn’t help but think back to when I was younger and I learned how to change quickly out of girl clothes whenever I heard the garage door open signifying my mom returning from work.

We didn’t have time to do photos properly as we were busy filming and re-filming whenever I forgot to turn my microphone back on. We did manage to find a couple of moments to do some quick pictures with my phone, though.

It was a shame we didn’t have more time as the studio was incredible. I loved the space and I absolutely plan on going back for a proper shoot.

Here’s a few of the outfits I wore and I hope you like them!

Love, Hannah

Profits Over Principles

by Hannah

If you live in Minnesota, you likely work for Target. It’s a bit of an exaggeration but it comes close. At the very least you likely know someone who works there.

Since their corporate offices are here, any news relating to them tends to be big news. Target employs a lot of people in the state and they have charitable donations and all that, but at the end of the day, they are a corporation who wants to make a lot of money.

An organization can have principals and a mission statement or what have you but many times those things go out the window when there’s any risk to their profits.

This week’s news is a perfect example of that.

In 2016, when the bathroom/changing room issue really hit a fever pitch, Target was one of the few retailers to side with the gender non-conforming community and made it very clear what their policy is:

In our stores, we demonstrate our commitment to an inclusive experience in many ways. Most relevant for the conversations currently underway, we welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity.

(This text is taken from their corporate website and is still there as of this writing).

This line in the sand, if you will, was remarkable. To have a major corporation side with us was amazing. We had an ally. An ally that wanted our money, but an ally nonetheless.

This week Target announced they are pulling some, if not all of their Pride themed merchandise, including some items that were gender inclusive.

And before anyone bothers to comment or email me, yes, they sold tucking swimsuits… for ADULTS. Not kids. And YES, I think gender inclusive clothing is important.

The reasoning behind this is that some employees were threatened because of these items. I don’t disbelieve that. There are some horrible people out there that feel that threatening some part-time employee is a completely acceptable thing to do.

I think employee safety is crucial but I can’t help but wonder if Target, a company that, according to their website, saw their total revenue grew $3 billion to $109 billion, from $106 billion in 2021, could have found a way to keep their employees safe AND support the community that they claim to.

This whole thing is a shame. I feel I lost a place to shop that supported me. I am ashamed that people are threatening others because of inclusive merchandise. I am ashamed that companies immediately fold when backlash from hateful people starts.

I hate that this “works”. What I mean is destruction of store property or Twitter hashtag campaign tends to reverses inclusivity in marketing or branding. We are running out of places that support us and I suppose that’s exactly the goal.

Love, Hannah

Your Story… by Sophie

by Hannah

I am excited to post an article in the series “Your Story”.

Today we have Sophie sharing her experience from her first time out en femme. I hope you enjoy it.

I’m a recent transplant to the Twin Cities area, having only lived here for only about a year at this point. I’ve been dressing up privately at home since I was a teenager, but since moving here I’ve started to want to actually get out of the house and be more open. It’s exciting and kind of scary, but when it struck me that I was ready I knew there was no way I was going to change my mind. I thought sharing this experience might be something worth sharing with others.

Last summer my wife and I went to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival for the first time. We had a lot of fun, especially with putting together costumes. I was a pirate and she was a witch. Going to the Festival in garb is infinitely better than going in normal clothes. I really feel like you’re missing out if you don’t dress up for it. Anyway, on the drive home we were happy and laughing about the day and just generally basking in the afterglow of it all. And all of a sudden it was as if someone had flipped a switch in my brain. I said to my wife, “We should go back again in a couple weeks. And I want to dress up as a wench next time.”

I haven’t taken any time to self-examine that decision point since, and I don’t think I want to. I just knew I was ready to let Sophie out in a way that I hadn’t before. My wife asked if I was sure, and I said yes. She asked me again a couple days later, and I answered yes again. So we bought tickets. Then I spent the next week hastily assembling a costume from whatever pieces I could find on Amazon that I knew would be delivered in time!

For my outfit I had a long off-white underdress with puffed sleeves, a dark wine colored skirt, a brown lace up bustier, a black belt, and brown ankle booties. I also wore fishnets because I couldn’t help myself. I did my own makeup and it came out… okay. I was and still am a novice with makeup. But I’m getting better! I also bought a new lace front wig to wear.

So, straight up, I didn’t fool anyone. No one mistook me for someone with ovaries. The person at the front gate who checked my purse as I entered called me “sir” but quickly corrected themselves. And that’s okay. I didn’t expect anything else. But to my surprise, no one else reacted at all. Not a single person (that I noticed) gave me a second glance, or a question, or any indication of surprise or recognition or anything else. It may have been the biggest “no big deal” moment of my whole life.

We walked around the Festival. We shopped for jewelry. We bought some pottery. We watched the joust and the belly dancers and a very cringey comedy show. We also drank more mead than planned. And in general we just enjoyed being in such a warm, cheerful place for the day.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I understood that this was very likely going to be a pretty safe crowd anyway. People who go to Ren Fests in my experience are very kind, friendly people. Many of them feel like social outcasts in their own ways, which means they try really hard not to make anyone else ever feel anything but welcomed and appreciated. They, we, see each other in those ways. Plus, this was an event where people are encouraged to go in costume. So that was another layer of safety and comfort. But later, when I went out the second time in a less “costumey” environment, I had a very similar experience.

I’m excited to go back to the Renaissance Festival again this summer. I’ve had a year to plan for a new and better costume, so that’s going to be fun. I’ve gotten better with makeup as well. And I definitely have better boots to wear this time too. Because last year… ouch.

Thank you so much, Hannah!

Sophie

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Do you have a perspective or an experience that you would like to share? Please email me with the subject line “Your Story”.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

In the beginning, to save a little money did you alter some of “his” clothes to be your clothes? If you did how did you go about finding a person to do that for you? There are quite a few of “his” things that I would like to be turned into mine.

This is something I never considered. I don’t think many “boy clothes” have any feminine potential in them, if you follow. But! I’m intrigued by your idea and I would love to hear about this in the comments.

I would imagine a seamstress or tailor could alter clothes for you. I had a gown altered about ten years ago when I lost a little weight. When I lost even more the dress was too big yet again. I should get it altered once more. I love that gown. I found a seamstress through google. I called a few places and told them I needed a dress altered. Through these conversations it became clear to them that I (with my boy voice and all) would be the wear of the altered dress… which opened the door to whether or not the seamstress was comfortable with someone like me.

Were I to get a dress altered now I would still call around and preface the request with “Hi, I’m a transgender girl and I’d like to have a dress altered. Is this something you could help with?” If they hang up on, well, fine. I wouldn’t want to spend that time and money on someone who isn’t LGBTQ+ friendly.

To your point, THIS side of me is expensive. Spending $50 on a dress to wear for a few hours which might never be worn again does indeed add up. It’s also frustrating to spend $12 on a pair of stockings which get snagged the first time putting them on.

But crossdressing takes time, money, and patience.

When I first had the opportunity to buy my own clothes (either from getting my drivers license and being able to go where I wished or getting my first apartment), I started with thrift shops. Clothes there were more affordable which gave me a chance to try different looks and different styles. Of course, back then this side of me was all about lingerie so most of my money went towards panties and bras and I didn’t really start buying “real clothes” until about fifteen years ago.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah


I am a guy of 59 and I have for a number of years now been wearing “female” clothing as part of my everyday wear, e.g skinny jeans long before they where available for men. I have also used leggings for quite a while and lately I have bought a few body con dresses. Dresses I do not wear in public, but skinny jeans, leggings, platform sneakers etc is part of my natural wardrobe.


Why, one might ask? Am I a cross dresser is another question? I am not sure myself, I do love women clothes as they are so much more comfortable (typically) compared to men’s clothes and that has been my main reason for wearing them. I am bald, I have beard but I do make up from time to time as I feel that color is fun but I could never pass as a woman (I think). I have never seen myself as a cross dresser but when I read your guide to cross dressing I started to think, absolutely not in a negative way but more of curious way and just wanted to reach out to see what you think.

I don’t think there will ever be (and I don’t think there should be) a set of universally agreed upon parameters and standards and requirements that, ah, absolutely classifies one’s gender identity or qualifies someone to align themselves with a certain label.

Are you a crossdresser? That’s up to you.

You might be a man that likes to wear dresses and leggings. Again, it’s up to you.

I think for some of us it might come down to how you view an article of clothing. Is it a dress or is it a woman’s dress? Are you wearing jeans or femme jeans?

On a side note, I think it’s kind of funny when department stores have sections named “Women’s Dresses” implying there is a section somewhere in the store for “Men’s Dresses”.

Gender identity is a highly personal choice and not one that needs anyone else’s approval or understanding. I work for a college and I work with many, many students with different lives and experiences. I’ve worked with girls who wear beautiful dresses who use they/them pronouns. It’s not what I expected from someone from someone who is (presumably) cis and dresses extremely feminine.

Gender identity and labels can change over time. I was crossdressing for years before I even knew of the word’s existence. I identified as a crossdresser for decades until I embraced identifying as transgender and, more specifically, bi-gender.

I mean, I am still a crossdresser. When I present as male I am wearing panties. I wear leggings and femme jeans in boymode. In a way how I identify is largely tied to my overall gender presentation… and it can change throughout the day. For example, last Saturday I woke up and stayed in my nightgown drinking coffee. I was in boymode… but wearing a nightgown. So, my overall presentation was BOY but I was wearing “girl clothes”. So, by my own definition, I was crossdressing. I then got ready for the day and I was in full femme presentation and I was no longer crossdressing. I was (and always am) a transgirl presenting as her gender identity. After my day I returned home, washed off my makeup and put on panties and boy jeans and was in boymode. So, I was once again crossdressing.

Does that make sense?

Some of us feel the need to identify as SOMETHING (and I totally get it) but some of us don’t. Don’t overthink it, don’t force yourself into a box or a label simply for the sake of having a word for who you are.

So, are you a crossdresser? It’s up to you. If you are interested in my perspective, I chat a little about this topic here and here.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

From Makeup Brushes to Paint Brushes!

by Hannah

This weekend was the monthly event for the MN T-Girls and it was something we’ve never done before as a group… we took a painting class!

A small group of us spent a rainy Saturday afternoon with Terri Berg who teaches painting for groups and parties. She was very patient and just super fun to spend time with.

The life of a girl like us is all about stepping out of your comfort zone and this weekend was no different. It was fun trying something new and I reallllly want to do this again soon!

Love, Hannah