February 2024 – Hannah McKnight

Back to Lights, Camera, and Action

February 28, 2024 by Hannah

This past weekend Shannonlee and I filmed an episode of Help Me, Hannah!, the webseries I am partnering with En Femme for.

We haven’t’ filmed a new episode for a few months and I thought I would be a little rusty but rest assured I had no problem resuming my normal habits of saying “um” and letting my hands flap all over the place.

This episode is about makeovers, specifically etiquette and what you can normally expect when it comes to conversations with an artist. We filmed at Cajah Salon and interviewed my makeup artist, Raven.

This was a lot of fun! I think it went well.

And just because I like sharing outtakes with you all, here’s a short clip of us testing the microphone and adjusting the camera.

Love, Hannah

Someone Told Me it’s All Happening at the Zoo

February 26, 2024 by Hannah

And they were right!

The MN T-Girls had our monthly adventure this weekend and we did something we haven’t done before. We visited the zoo.

Specifically we spent most of our time in the conservatory of Como Zoo in Saint Paul but we did get to see a sloth, turtles, some giant fish, and a tarantula.

This was a very… public event for us. Not surprisingly zoos are packed on Saturdays and a warm conservatory filled with beautiful flowers and amazing trees are a nice way to spend a relatively chilly February day.

But honestly? I felt very welcome and comfortable there. Everyone was so friendly.

We had a lovely time and it was a nice reminder that for the most part, we live in a wonderful city and sometimes the world isn’t so bad.

Love, Hannah

Saturday Morning, 4 A.M.

February 24, 2024 by Hannah

For some reason the last two days at work have been so incredibly boring.

Which is kind of a nice change but it makes for long days.

Long, incredibly boring days.

Boredom led to tiredness and I gave up the ghost last night earlier than I normally do on a Friday. I had a busy Saturday planned and extra sleep wasn’t a bad idea.

Until my dog lost his mind at four in the morning.

One of our dogs is a giant, loud, scary-looking German Shepard. He saw something or heard something (not sure which is more terrifying) which woke my wife and I up and I’ve never felt more awake in my life.

More than likely it was a deer or a coyote but it was probably a sasquatch. My wife swears she saw a bear in our yard last year but it was also likely a sasquatch.

On a related note, there is an old and beautiful cemetery in our neighborhood where I usually walk our dogs. It’s always a little unnerving when they both freeze, stare into the distance, and will not budge. Sometimes they whimper, or growl, or turn around and walk away.

I am left wondering what are they seeing? What do they see or sense that I can’t?

I’ve no idea if I believe in ghosts but I do enjoy a good ghost story.

As I type this it’s too early to start my day properly beyond coffee and thrilling you with these pointless thoughts. As I mentioned, I have a busy day planned. Shannonlee and I are filming the first video of the Help Me, Hannah! series of the year and then I am meeting up with the rest of the MN T-Girls early this afternoon.

We shot the first video almost a year ago to the day and I’m glad we kept at it. Like most things in life, they improved in quality with practice and it’s been thinking of new projects that the medium can provide.

The challenge is that videos take a lot of time to edit and to work the technical magic that I am not familiar with. I know it’s a skill I could teach myself and there are countless resources online that would help but sometimes I feel if I took on anything else in my life I would lose my mind. I am overly committed as it is.

Thankfully I love collaborating. I love working with other passionate and creative and talented people. I connected with a girl on Twitter not too long ago about doing video edits for short clips. She has a few ideas and they all sound so fun. I hope to squeeze in a photo shoot in March and film some clips to send her but until then Shawna has put two different photo sets to music. The first of these videos was posted earlier this month using pictures from a photo shoot with Malone Portraits.

This new video is from a photo set I posted in January from a shoot Shannonlee and I did last fall. I thought it would be fun to do a tiny montage of photos that in a way told a story. A very short story, lol.

I love how this turned out and I can’t wait to see what Shawna creates next.

I hope you enjoy!

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

February 23, 2024 by Hannah

What are your hobbies and interests?

A lot of my interests tend to be, well, kind of quiet. Mostly solitary or with my wife.

I like taking my dogs for walks. I like to paint and draw. I love to read.

I like to find new used bookstores. I like museums, from art to science to history.

Much of what I enjoy doing also helps me recharge from whatever the day or week threw at me. I have a small social battery and I tend to get overwhelmed and exhausted by a lot of stimulation that I can’t control.

What are your hobbies?

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!

We Could Be Sisters, Just For One Day

February 21, 2024 by Hannah

I think when it comes to “en femme firsts” we anticipate something HUGE. For example, when I went out into the real world for the first time during the day, I expected people staring at me, pointing at me, perhaps even verbally berating me.

But it was so… normal.

People were lovely or indifferent. There was no harassment, no one was unkind. I had prepared myself emotionally and mentally for years but I didn’t need to.

When I meet a new member of the MN T-Girls and it’s their first time out not only with the group but also their first time out EVER, I usually ask how their feeling. They seem surprised that it feels very normal. That they are more at ease than they expected.

And this is wonderful.

And this is validating. What I mean is I feel validated as a t-girl. I have moved on from wanting to pass and I have moved on from believing in passing, so the thought and hope that people think I am cisgender is in the rearview mirror. I expect every barista and cashier and random person at the mall looks at me and knows I am transgender.

And it’s okay for them to know that. I am transgender. Someone knowing my gender identity is no different than someone knowing I am right-handed. There are some things about others you can’t help but realize.

But once someone makes this realization is what matters. If someone looks at me and acknowledges me as a transgender girl and that information shapes how they will interact with then it likely will be an issue. What I mean is that if someone decides to be rude to me because they have acknowledged my gender identity then they are likely an asshole. This is also true when it comes to someone else’s race, skin color, religious beliefs, or similar characteristics.

The validation I mentioned comes from someone knowing I am transgender and they choose to strike up a conversation, engage in small talk, or call me “ma’am”.

It’s in a moment like this I realize that the world isn’t as afraid of gender non-conforming people as much as some news outlets suggest.

An en femme first, in my experience, tends to be wonderful and normal at the same time.

This was my perspective as I drove home this past Saturday night after seeing “Alice in Wonderland” with my sister.

I was nervous for two weeks. I was nervous longer than that as I worked up the courage to ask her if she wanted to come. I was a wreck after I sent the text.

If HE was going to the play, then I wouldn’t have been nervous at all. But Hannah was the x factor, so to speak. Sure, my sister would love to see the play… but would she want to see the play with Hannah?

If not, well, why?

I try not to think too much about why someone from HIS life doesn’t feel ready to meet Hannah, but sometimes i can’t help it. Is it because of how she looks? Am I embarrassing? Would someone feel like they are being stared at because they are waiting in the theatre lobby with a transwoman?

I hate thinking and being afraid that my gender identity and gender presentation is a deciding factor for some people in my life.

But my sister responded with an enthusiastic “sure!”.

I exhaled.

Once this shock was over, I thought about what to wear. Shallow, I know, but I wanted to make sure I picked a dress that was perfect for the play and not tooooo short or tight. I think I nailed it. I hope I nailed it.

Shortly after the box office opened and I picked up our tickets my sister arrived. We hugged and… normalcy set in. At least for me. But I didn’t sense that my sister was feeling awkward. She was chatty and her normal self. Perhaps she was feeling relieved that it wasn’t as weird as she was afraid.

An aspect I worried about prior to the evening was, well, Hannah herself. When I am en femme I react and feel and emote and talk and gesture differently. None of this is conscious. It’s all very organic and natural. It can be a little thing such as movement. We walk different in stilettos. We move different in skirts. As a t-girl I am more aware of my surroundings.

All of this sounds like I have a multiple personality disorder but it’s not that at all. People act different when they are with different groups of people. I can easily “switch” back to him if needed, so to speak. What I mean is if I am out en femme and my boss calls I can talk to him as my male self in terms of my voice, mannerisms, all that. The opposite is true. If I am at work and I need to call a salon to book a makeover I can tap into Hannah as well.

This all sounds very very bizarre but I think many of you can relate to this fluid duality.

I wondered if I should stick to him as much as possible. Perhaps showing my sister I am still her sibling and the person she has known all her life but just, well, more fabulous.

Buuuut in the end I intentionally stopped thinking about it. I would just go with it, wherever it would take me.

We talked about family and work but it was Hannah that chatted with my sister about these things.

It was a little weird for me as we talked about aspects of my life that Hannah doesn’t usually discuss. I am fairly protective of many specifics of my life but here’s Hannah just chatting away.

The play was delightful and we hugged as we left the theatre.

I’ve no idea if my sister will ever see Hannah again but I hope she had fun and would like to see her sister again.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

February 20, 2024 by Hannah

Where did you find that absolutely gorgeous hot pink bustier with the garters? I am absolutely in love with it and every time you post a picture of your beautiful self with that on I find myself wishing I knew where to find it!

Hi!

I will never pass up an opportunity (or excuse) to post a picture of this cute little bustier.

Unfortunately I have completely forgotten where I found this. I do know that I added this to my overflowing lingerie dresser years and years ago. Even if I could recall where I found it I would be surprised if it was still available.

I bought this when I was deeeeeep in the Pink Fog. I would visit the lingerie section of every boutique and department store and would hope they had something in my size. I was constantly picking up new items and spending waaaay too much money on lingerie when my wife and I were at a point when I ~~probably~~ shouldn’t have been so reckless with money.

This is an example of how this side of us isn’t always an issue, but rather our behavior that is associated with this side of us is. It’s not that I was buying lingerie, the issue was I was spending money that should have been used on the important things, such as utilities and the like.

This set was also likely rather inexpensive and like most clothes, the cost and quality go hand in hand. Many pieces of lingerie, though typically associated with sexy time, can also be practical. A bustier like this is designed to support your bust, in a similar way to a bra, but this cute little number is more about titillation than anything else. The garters have the plastic grips which constantly needed refastening and I can’t imagine wearing this outside of a photo shoot or the bedroom. Or a photo shoot in a bedroom.

Lingerie can be a balance of sexy and practical. I realized this by wearing corsets from Glamorous Corset. And I also learned that if you can replace garters that have plastic fasteners with metal ones then you may want to do that.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!

O Frabjous Day!

February 19, 2024 by Hannah

It’s cliched to say that the Children’s Theatre Company‘s production of “Alice in Wonderland” in wonderful.

But despite trying so hard to think of a different, less predictable adjective as I sat in the audience on opening night this past Saturday I came up short. It is wonderful, plain and simple.

Not that there’s anything plain or simple in the performance. It is a play filled with momentum, a madcap evening of familiar characters portrayed in charismatic, contagious charm.

How the ensemble maintained the level of energy the story required I will never know. I’ll chat about Alice and the Cheshire Cat and the other characters we tend to think of when we think of this classic story in a moment, but the ensemble constantly took on new roles, whether they were painting the roses red, portraying segments of a caterpillar, or the king’s men trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. They were committed to every role they took on. They were having so much which just made their performance that much more magnetic.

Alice was charming and brave, sincere and kind. The Cheshire Cat was otherworldly and had a very creative take on them, almost serpentine instead of feral. The Duchess was terrifying, the Queen was unpredictable and dangerous, the White Rabbit was forever looking at their watch, wondering where their gloves were. Humpty Dumpty was a treat. The Mad Hatter had echoes of Tom Waits, and Tweedledee and Tweedledum were perfection. I was tempted to share a production photo of the Tweedles but I don’t want to spoil it for you. They definitely earned the biggest laughs of the evening.

This is the fourth performance I’ve seen by this amazing company over the last few months. Each play has been unique, charming, and just so. much. fun. It’s a lovely blend of incredibly professional performances watched by an engaged crowd filled with kids marveling at every special effect and larger than life characters.

The Children’s Theatre is the type of entertainment that I adore. Intelligently written for any audience but never written down for a child. Fun, accessible, enchanting. Over the last few months I visited Whoville and Wonderland all from the comfort of a theatre.

You’ll not regret seeing this lovely performance.

Thank you to CTC for a wonderful (couldn’t resist) evening and for the invitation.

Love, Hannah

The Children’s Theatre Company production of Alice in Wonderland, with Audrey Mojica as Alice, by Glen Stubbe Photography

The Children’s Theatre Company production of Alice in Wonderland, with Anja Arora as Alice as Alice, by Glen Stubbe Photography

Planets and Universes

February 18, 2024February 18, 2024 by Hannah

I wrote this yesterday morning, and will do a follow up in a day or so

It seems like every piece of entertainment has to be a part of a shared universe. Which can be fun but also maddening.

When I was a kid and I watched an Indiana Jones movie which had a scene in some temple or whatever and one of the walls had a character from Star Wars on it. Back then, this would be called a fun little Easter egg.

But today things like this inspire contentious arguments and insane theories about how these two movies fit in each other’s shared universe. What once was silly and fun has now become annoying. It’s not uncommon to see discussions online that try to “prove” that, oh, I don’t know, Seinfeld and Teletubbies take place in the same universe or whatever.

I could easily rant about this for hours so I am going to move on.

My point is that we as humans have our own little universes. And within our universes we have different planets that we visit. For me I have his world, his job, his friends. Rarely do people from these planets interact. It’s unusual for me to socialize with my work friends and non-work friends at the same time.

And! I have Hannah’s world, her “job”, her friends.

Besides my wife, there is no person in the world that sees every aspect of my universe. My wife and I can talk about work while I am brushing my wig for a day out.

Although Hannah has her friends and he has his friends, there sometimes is a desire to crossover. What I mean is that he has some wonderful friends and it would just be nice if Hannah was their friend, too.

This feeling was really really really strong fifteen years ago. This desire doesn’t burn as hot as it used to, but sometimes the embers glow and flare.

I think coming out is exhausting and I don’t want to do again, lol. Introducing Hannah to his friends requires The Talk and at this point in my life it’s like trying to explain a television show that has been on for ten years and helping someone get up to speed on it.

Maybe I should make a Powerpoint demonstration to send to people.

I suppose there’s also the fear or rejection but that’s another topic for another day.

As of this writing, I have plans to see a play tonight with my sister.

Well, Hannah has plans to see a play tonight with my sister.

That’s amazing.

My sister met Hannah several time over fifteen years ago. But a lot of time has passed since then and I feel more comfortable and confident and authentic than I did back then. At that time I felt like HIM wearing makeup and a wig. These days Hannah feels different. She has her own gestures and body language and voice inflection and personality. All of this evolved organically over time.

I am a little apprehensive about my sister meeting Hannah. Hannah is not her brother wearing makeup and a wig anymore. I think this may be a little jarring to my sister.

All of this sounds like I have multiple personalities. I don’t, promise, lol. What I mean is that we all are a little different when we interact with people from different parts of our lives. He socializes with work friends in a more restrained, less personal way. He socializes with his non-work friends in a very open manner.

I think we can relate to that. Is he the same person in both of these interactions? Of course.

I see this shifting dynamic applicable to HIS world compared to Hannah’s world.

Same universe, different planets.

Love, Hannah

Strutting and Stumbling

February 17, 2024 by Hannah

I think many of us can relate to the maxim “two steps forward, one step back”. We make progress but maybe backtrack a little. We strut forward, but we also stumble. We run, and we rest. We are inspired, but we might give up for a little while.

We buy dresses, but we purge a few days later.

But we are always moving forward. Even if it’s just a few inches, even if it’s over the course of a lifetime. The finish line is always there, and it looks different to all of us.

This is a journey.

I get a lot of emails from people who are coming to terms with this side of themselves. They know this side of them is there and they’ve acknowledged it… even if it’s reluctant or it’s frightening or intimidating to them.

Sometimes this side of us overtakes us. Sometimes it overwhelms us. Sometimes we are enveloped by the Pink Fog and all the wonderful and dangerous aspects it brings.

The emails I get are very personal and people that I’ve never met, and likely never will, share their most personal and intimate aspects of themselves with me. I am amazed at the courage and faith people give someone else. It’s not uncommon to read about someone’s journey from the frightening and/or liberating moment they’ve acknowledged that there is something more to themselves regarding where they are now and where they may be going.

Being a member of the MN T-Girls is wonderful in that regards. I can recall some of the members emailing me for the first time, likely with their hands trembling as they composed their email and then a few months or a few years later they are strutting around Minneapolis like the city is their queendom.

I love this.

Rarely is someone’s journey linear. Again, we stumble and we are humbled. But we also rise.

I get emails and messages from some girls almost on a daily basis. Sometimes these messages are about little things such as buying their first pair of panties or trying on a dress at the mall. Sometimes they share about the conversation they had in therapy about their gender identity. They are on their journey and I am blessed that they are sharing it with me.

But we all stumble.

Sometimes without warning the messages stop. Sometimes they resume weeks or months later. Sometimes I get an email from them telling me they have purged and want to ignore their heart.

Sometimes I’m told they no longer want to belong to the MN T-Girls. Sometimes I’m told that they have decided to stop reading my website or following me on Twitter.

I (usually) don’t take it personally. Although it’s not unheard of that someone is just tired of me (and I don’t blame them, lol), sometimes they just want to cut out all aspects of this side of themselves.

After getting to know someone (even just virtually) it’s hard not to wonder what they’re up to once they stop writing. I hope ya’ll are okay.

It’s not uncommon to exchange emails over the course of a few weeks. It’s not uncommon for someone to share very intimate and personal details and wishes when it comes to their gender identity. In many cases this is the first time they have shared these feeling with someone.

And then they stop.

I wonder why. Like I mentioned earlier, I feel that sometimes someone wants to put these feelings away and that means cutting off any and all aspects of this side of them. I can understand this.

Please don’t feel shame about who you are.

This happened recently. A member of the MN T-Girls wrote to me and she asked a question hoping for my perspective. She felt it would be a good thing for my website and after reading it I agreed. I saved the question and in a few days I received another email from requesting to be withdrawn from the group.

I can’t help wonder what she was feeling between these two emails. I hope she is okay.

As she pointed out, she felt it would be a good topic for the website. Although she may not see my response, I thought I would still address it here. My assumption is that the question she asked was important to her and that she was struggling with something. I’m not a therapist and I can only offer my perspective but I think many of us just want reassurance that they are not alone in their feelings and perhaps their confusion.

No one is alone. I promise.

Here’s what she asked it:

After spending time online for the past few months making friends and getting to know others, I have found that many individuals, including myself, have moments where we feel isolated because we are either not married, married and not out to our family, or simply not out to anybody. Dressing and sharing always brings joy and gives us something to share, but inevitably we are left feeling empty until the next time we can connect with each other or dress again. I shared with a close friend of mine that it is like we have this exciting, incredible secret about something that to ourselves that has happened to ourselves without ever being able to share or celebrate with others.

Having the egg finally crack after decades of keeping the desire to live En Femme all bottled up to then finally being free makes you want to share it with others. For obvious reasons whether family, jobs, neighbors, and our own personal safety, we are unable to dress or live En Femme as much as we would like. I have often times gone a week without dressing and feel sad and even irritable until I can dress.

I would love to hear your experiences with how you and others at the beginning of your journey coped with not being able to dress as much as you would like and needing to keep the secret of your En Femme life.

Would appreciate if you would speak from your experience along with others remembering that not all of us have therapists or significant others to lean on.

I love what she writes here. I am so glad she feels that this side of her is exciting and incredible and is worth sharing and celebrating. Not only is this side of us is all of that and more, I think it’s remarkable when someone has accepted who they they are.

When I made the step from underdressing to presenting en femme I made a lot of mistakes and was easily enveloped by the Pink Fog. Not only did I think about dressing 24/7, I also talked about dressing 24/7 to my overwhelmed wife. She was and is accepting and supportive, but I was oblivious to how much this side of me overshadowed everything in our lives.

It’s a perfect example of how it’s now always this side of us that’s the problem, it’s the aspects that come WITH this side of us that become a problem. It would drive anyone crazy if their partner only talked about one thing, whether it’s a sport or conspiracy theories.

One thing that helped tremendously is making friends. As the writer pointed out, not all of us have supportive significant others in our lives. Although my wife was and is supportive, I realized I needed (and will always need) friends. To clarify, Hannah needed friends. So, I made them. Starting the MN T-Girls was exactly what I needed. I found friends to go to the mall with and I found friends to talk about makeup techniques and rave about amazing shoes.

Having others to talk to took a lot of pressure off my wife. I had others to talk about this side of me with. Having friends allowed me to stay connected to Hannah’s world even when I wasn’t en femme. I realized that I didn’t need to see Hannah in the mirror to stay in touch with her life. Exchanging emails and making plans with my friends helped with this. Even to this day, if I am feeling a little too entrenched in HIS life, I will email a friend and make plans to go shopping.

Which brings up another thing that helped: having something to look forward to. If I am having a lousy Tuesday but the MN T-Girls are having our monthly outing that weekend, it makes the week a little brighter.

Which also brings up yet another thing. I always know an opportunity to be en femme is coming. Sure, I may not be able to dress up that night, but I know I will this weekend.

Small things help, too. I may have to present as HIM, but I can also wear a cute cami and matching panty under his clothes.

Accepting and embracing this side of us is wonderful but it’s not unlike a breaking dam. Feelings, desires, dreams… all of this rushes out and we’re overwhelmed with all of these new thoughts and hopes and fantasies and wishes. When this happened to me I had to regulate it. I had to control it. This was overwhelming my life and my wife. It was not sustainable.

I had to find balance. And I did. This balance is a combination of underdressing, planning future days out en femme (like today!) and having friends.

None of this was easy. None of this is easy. All of this required work and patience and controlling impulsive thoughts.

But it was all worth it.

I hope this helps the girl who wrote this. My fear is that she was and is so tormented by not being able to present as who she is as often as she wishes and needs to that she feels it’s better to suppress and ignore and deny this side of her.

What about you? What helps you?

Love, Hannah