Month: October 2021

It’s not always to describe or explain who we are.

For some, gender is as simple as boy OR girl.

But it’s not always pink and blue, is it?  Someone online posted that more people would identify as non-binary if they knew what it meant and I think there’s a lot of truth to that.  I think there’s a lot of us that think and feel emotions and have desires that don’t completely fall into the traditional thinking of what a boy or a girl “should” have.  

I think gender identity is as varied and as intimate and as personal as one’s religious beliefs.  Some people struggle with their faith if what they believe doesn’t line up with what their religion teaches.  When I was growing up I was told I was a boy (and I still am sometimes) but part of me wondered how I could be a boy if I wanted to wear dresses?

As I grew up I learned more about my own gender identity and made peace with who I was and what I wanted to wear.  It didn’t always make sense and I didn’t always understand WHY I was who I was (and still am) but as time passed I became more comfortable with not having a reason for why I was born this way.  It makes sense to me and really, that’s all that matters.  When I entered my first serious relationship and was dating someone I thought I would be with for a long time I knew I had to come out to her.  Explaining who I was and all the nuances and caveats that went with who I am and what I wanted was not easy.  Coming out is rarely easy and you are never quite sure how it will go.  Coming out for the first time EVER is not really something you can really prepare for.  I was asked questions I didn’t see coming or even considered.  She was confused, anxious, and a little upset.  And looking back it’s understandable.  I’ve been met with a similar response almost every time I’ve come out to someone.  This side of us can easily overwhelm someone.

I did my best to answer her questions and reassure her with who I am, what I wanted and what I didn’t want.  It didn’t go well.  At all.  But keep in mind this was twenty five years ago and all of the nuances of gender weren’t as understood as they are today.  Plus we were both young.  I am much more patient and self-aware today than I was when I was 21.

Coming out to her helped me prepare for future conversations about my gender identity.  Of course she asked if I was gay.  It’s silly to think this now but I was really thrown for a loop with this question.  Part of me wondered what gender identity (and what I wanted to wear) had anything to do with sexuality.  These days I still don’t think there’s a clear and straight (lol) line between gender identity and sexual preference but I know that every time I come out to someone THIS question will likely be asked.  

Of course, this is just me.  For some, there’s absolutely a connection between gender and sexuality.  And that’s okay!  I get it.  I understand that gender is very nuanced and personal and that we are all different.  Wearing lingerie or eyeliner doesn’t change who I want to sleep with but for others dressing opens up something inside of them that makes their sexuality a little more… flexible.  This side of me has nothing to do with eroticism or fetishism.  I feel confident and strong and beautiful when I am wearing beautiful clothes but I am not aroused by it.  There’s a difference.  

If we are going to come out to someone, we are going to be asked WHO we are and WHAT we want.  At the same time we also need to be prepared to discuss who we are NOT.  What don’t we want?  There’s a lot I want (flying pretty, a beautiful floor length back gown with a sweetheart neckline…) but this side of me is not about sex.  Again, I know for some this side of us is a fetish or at the very least there’s an aspect of arousal.  I also know that girls (or boys) like us attract certain types of people.  Whether it is a chaser or someone who fetishizes us, there’s often the expectation that we are who we are because of a sexual kink.

Because of this, it is not uncommon for someone like us to receive messages or emails or comments online about sex.  I know I get them.  And it’s exhausting.  Thankfully it’s easy to ignore and block people on most forms of social media.  But goodness it gets old to get messages like this.  On some level I get it.  I know that crossdressers and t-girls are fetishized.  I wish we weren’t but it’s the reality.   Comments, emails, and direct messages usually increase when I post or tweet a picture.  The type of photo usually influences the language that is used in said comments.  A lingerie picture will likely generate certain kinds of comments.  It’s never okay to send a sexually charged message because of a lingerie shot, (or any type of picture)  but I am prepared for it.  But I am surprised when I get a similar message when I post a more modest picture of myself in a skirt and jean jacket.  It might be a cute photo but it’s completely the polar opposite of a picture of a girl in a corset.  
It’s like… read the room, guys.  

I think readers of my website understand me and know where I am coming from.  I may have an array of photos from intimate to sexy to casual but I think if you spend enough time reading my ramblings you’ll see that my gender identity isn’t about eroticism.  Just because I post a lingerie picture on a bed it doesn’t mean I want a man in it.  A photo on Twitter, tweeted without context allows a lot more interpretation (and generates a lot more assumptions).  Because of these open interpretations, it’s not uncommon for the photo (or myself) to be misrepresented.  I did my lingerie shoot because I felt confident and comfortable.  I didn’t do it because I wanted to show off or anything like that.  Posting a picture from that shoot is more about being comfortable with who I am and my body.  I am not surprised that those types of pictures generate certain types of comments.  Not because I think I’m sexy or anything, but that’s kind of how it goes.  It doesn’t make it right but that’s unfortunately what happens.

I try to come off as classy.  I really do.  I know I wear short dresses but I’m a good girl.  It’s not realistic to live your life without someone else, be it your partner or a stranger on the internet, forming an opinion of you.  It’s easy for these assumptions to be wrong.  Just like it’s not uncommon for someone to ask if we are gay when we come out to them, it’s not surprising for a girl like us to get sexually charged or unwelcome messages and emails.  

I am not a sissy.  I am not looking for sex.  I am not confused.  I am not a drag queen.  I am not transitioning.

  There’s a lot of things I am, but there are a lot more that I am not.

Love, Hannah  

Hi!

I recently received an email from Carla, a beautiful t-girl from Spain. She and a friend recently started a podcast that you may be interested in. It’s called ‘Pink Fog-Trans in Spain’ and is available on Spotify. I asked Carla to introduce herself and she has been kind enough to write a little about herself and share some photos of her. I hope you enjoy her podcast!

Love, Hannah

Hi everyone, my name is Carla.

How do I pack a lifetime into a short profile? I’m so happy to share my life experience on this wonderful site, so thank you to Hannah for giving me this opportunity.

Like everyone else, I have been cross dressing all my life. For most of it I just thought everyone did it, yet couldn’t explain why no one else I ever knew, spoke about it. So, I didn’t either.

In 2015 I was medically retired from the job I loved in the UK. I had been diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety disorder back in 2005 and eventually I broke. I lost more than half my income and together with my wonderful wife we decided to make a new life in Spain, where we wouldn’t need as much to live on. I was only 53.

Up until then, I had lived with at least one of my children and being able to dress as my real feminine self was very difficult. In Spain, it became much easier and I soon began to experiment. I didn’t have my own clothes and wore my wife’s clothes which proved difficult as she was a lot slimmer than me. There were some clothes that I was able to ‘borrow’ and when she was at work, I would help myself. I hated using her clothes and it seemed like I was intruding. I felt guilty doing so but carried on because I had to.

I realized it wasn’t all men ‘dabbling’ and there was something deeper going on and in 2016 I registered with the website ‘Crossdresser Heaven’. I found that I wasn’t the only one going through this dysphoria but still I hid myself away.

In June 2020, with Spain coming out of the world’s more severe lockdowns, I decided to confess all to my wife. I planned the speech for a few weeks and when I told her, a great weight lifted, or so I thought.

The actual coming out was the easy part and ‘dressing’ was to be negotiated and my feelings went from zero to one hundred very quickly. She showed me how to apply makeup and went shopping with me, even buying me clothes without me being there to choose them.

I fast forward to October 2021 and life is good. I found a Trans friend a year ago in a nearby town, in almost the same situation as me. Our wives support each other, and we go out as a four, both as married couple and as four girls. I went out for the first time in April this year and got fitted for a wig before having an ice cream on the sea front and a glass of wine in a local bar.

Buying clothes is difficult, at least at first it was. Online is great but sizing is an issue. Shoes are particularly difficult due to my wide feet. Now that I can go shopping as Carla, it’s much easier, so I try to shop most when I’m my real self. Cheaper clothes were the starting point and I’m hoping to update my wardrobe to something more in the future. Some of the women profiled on this site look incredible and are role models for me.

Since then, I go out every week and dress at home of a weekend. We have a business, so my wife wants to keep Carla separate from that. Carla gets into a car and drives off and that’s when she comes alive. In September, we went to Benidorm for Pride weekend. Not one piece of male clothing was taken and to spend four days and three nights as Carla was mind blowing.

The depression has mainly gone, although life in Spain helped in some way. I feel so complete when I am my true self and coming out to my close family has helped that. My three sons are completely supportive, in fact more than that, they are incredible young men. I have counseling, which helps as I struggle to see where my journey will end up. My counselor suggested I set up a podcast, which I discounted at first but have now published ‘Pink Fog – Trans in Spain’.

With the incredible support from my wonderful wife, I feel complete. I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy, if ever. What the future holds, it’s hard to predict. I’m approaching 60 and able at least in some part, to be the real person I was born to be. I’m still only ‘out’ to close family and selected friends and long for the day I don’t have to hide myself away.

I’ve finally found myself. I write poetry a lot, influenced by my experiences and I’m a qualified hypnotherapist, and can help people on their Trans journey. I find the profiles of different people on this site so uplifting and since I first discovered Hannah, and this wonderful site, my life has moved on another stage. We all learn from each other and I find the experiences of other ‘girls’ fascinating. I hope you enjoy my podcast and feel free to contact me. Like others reading this, I have found myself and hope you all do to.

Love Carla x

Before the pandemic (I mean, we’re still in the pandemic but life is slowly going back to normal-ish), I traveled pretty often for my job.  I would go about once a month and would be gone anywhere from a couple of days to a week.  I have started to travel again for work and although I enjoy where I go and seeing people I work with, I always, always look forward to coming home.  After one or two nights in hotels I really long for my own bed, my home, and especially my wife.  I miss the familiar routine of my homelife when I travel.  I suppose it’s a fortunate thing to have two homes (if you will) that I enjoy being in.

During the pandemic I would sometimes get restless from being home for too long.  I am used to traveling, I am used to being in the office for certain meetings and work-related events.  Doing those same things remotely wasn’t the same, and I missed the places, the restaurants, the lingerie shops (obviously!), I would visit when I would travel.  Of course once I am settled into my hotel and I have a moment to rest I really long for my own home.  Once the busyness of travel and Lyft rides and meetings are over I have a chance to catch my breath and then the homesickness settles in.  

It’s a double-edged sword, I suppose. I like traveling but I don’t like being away from home, if that makes sense.

Like my gender identity, it’s like I have two lives.  The life I have at home, and the life I have when I am on the road (or in the air, I suppose).

Being bi-gender gives me a life that is divided into two parts.  Yes, some aspects of them do overlap but my boy life and my girl life have pretty defined boundaries (like sections of my closet).  Like feeling restless about being home during the pandemic, I felt the same way about being in boy mode for loooong periods of time during lockdown.  Yes, I could dress at home, but it wasn’t the same.  It’s not as much fun to dress to kill in stilettos and a LBD when you are in your own living room.  When I traveled for the first time after lockdown there was a certain thrill that I hadn’t felt in a while.  Traveling for work felt normal and routine for a bit but the first time on the plane in a year and half brought a certain excitement that I hadn’t felt for some time.  Going out en femme for the first time once the pandemic started brought similar emotions.

When I am in boy mode for too long, I miss and long for Hannah’s life, her wardrobe, and her friends.  But on the flipside, after the end of of a long (but fabulous) day en femme, I miss the small, intimate life that my boy side has.  I have a pretty short social battery and as much as I love Hannah’s life, her life requires me to be more chatty, more outgoing, more… present than my boy life demands.  The boy likes being home on a Saturday night.  Watching a movie with my wife, ordering takeout.  Hannah’s life is the opposite.  

And goodness, it’s exhausting.  

I mean, it’s wonderful and beautiful and essential, but after a ten to twelve hour day in Hannah’s life, it’s nice coming back to the boy life and feeling things quiet down.  I can rest, I can recharge, and I can center myself.  
Of course, Hannah’s life does the same thing for me.  When my makeup is done and I am dressed head to heels, I feel like I exhale.  The tension and anxiety and stress and pressure of my boy life takes a back seat for a bit and… well, it’s like a vacation from all of that.  

Working from home and traveling for work are about as opposite as you can get.  Some things are easier, some things take more work, there are advantages and drawbacks in both aspects.  I suppose both of my genders are not unlike both aspects of my career.  I know some of my colleagues love traveling.  They enjoy the time away from their spouses and children and dread going back home.  I feel sorry for them.  I feel sorry that they don’t have a homelife that they enjoy going back to.  I can’t relate to them.  After a day or so in a hotel I am ready to go back home.  Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to have the dual life my career provides.  I get to see parts of the country I wouldn’t have the opportunity to have otherwise.  I suppose it’s just nice to have a homelife that I miss.

My gender identities are the same.  I love my home, and I love traveling.  I am lucky to have both aspects.  I’m glad to have two amazing cities to live in.  I’m fortunate to have two genders that I love.  As time passes I gain a better understanding of who I am and what I want.  The reason I don’t want to transition is that I like who I am, I like ALL of who I am.  I like going back and forth between gender presentations.  I don’t want to pick one.  While it’s true that stilettos are waaaay more fun to wear than a necktie, I don’t feel out of place or betraying myself when I am in boymode.  Both of my genders are different aspects of one life.

Love, Hannah

Hi!

So I had a lovely time this past Saturday.  After traveling for work and a week of stressful meetings and work-related events, I was exhausted but needing a day out en femme.  Isn’t it wonderful we have this side of us?  We can take a break from our stressful and busy boy life and escape into a world of makeup and stilettos.  Or nightgowns or panties or anything femme.  We are truly blessed.

A friend of mine bought tickets to see a play at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater a few months back and this Saturday was the day of the show.  I have always wanted to go there and I had been looking forward to it ever since she got the tickets… and after the week I had I was even more excited.  I woke up, showered and shaved my legs, picked out a cute dress (ever find a dress in your closet and wonder why you don’t wear it more often??) and went to my makeup appointment.  After I had my face done I went to the theater.  

The Chanhassen Dinner Theater is a lot bigger than I expected.  In addition to the large theater for the main productions and dining, there are also two other smaller stages and additional seating areas.  It was beautiful.  I met up with Jennifer and we were escorted to our table.  We were seated next to another table of ladies and we were close enough where we were able to make small talk with them.  

After our lunch the actors took the stage for a production of ‘The Music Man’ and we all had a lovely time watching the show.  And then I drove home.  And that was that.

When I arrived home I chatted with wife about the day and I realized that nothing remarkable happened. No creepy men hitting on me (thank goodness), nothing amusing happened, no close calls bumping into someone either of us knew.  It was a lovely, but uneventful afternoon.  But I realized that in it of itself WAS what was remarkable.  Over the years of going out en femme and doing all sorts of things and going wherever I pleased has been a mixture of fear, apprehension, excitement, and a million other emotions.  Countless thoughts and worries about being read or wondering what people were thinking.  I chatted during intermission with the ladies we sat next to, used the ladies room, and spent the afternoon as a t-girl in a huge audience.  Nothing worried me, there was no fear, no overthinking, no anxiety.  I was just another girl going to a play.  

And isn’t that what we all want?

To live our lives (or at least live our Saturdays) without fear or worrying about what others think?  To do what we want without a second thought?  Ten years ago the afternoon would have been an impossible dream but countless experiences out en femme have bolstered my confidence and stripped away any care of what others might think.  For those of us who aren’t ready to step out en femme I assure you that it gets easier over time.  Yes, I imagine there will be times when in the future when I go out when I might be nervous or scared, but those emotions happen less frequently than they did five years ago.  

However it’s important to not let your guard down.  No matter how many times I go out, I always scan the room for the unlikely chance I see someone I know, or see someone I need to keep an eye on.  Were I to walk into a store where someone was paying a little too much attention to me, well, that would be concerning.   

I know most of us worry and speculate what others are thinking.  But really, you don’t know what is going through their mind.  When I used the ladies room on Saturday I was washing my hands next to another girl and I briefly wondered what she might be thinking.  I didn’t have to wait much longer because she broke the silence by saying “Can I just tell you that I love your heels?”  

It made my day.  My boring, unremarkable, but amazing day.

Love, Hannah