A Tale of Two Genders

Before the pandemic (I mean, we’re still in the pandemic but life is slowly going back to normal-ish), I traveled pretty often for my job.  I would go about once a month and would be gone anywhere from a couple of days to a week.  I have started to travel again for work and although I enjoy where I go and seeing people I work with, I always, always look forward to coming home.  After one or two nights in hotels I really long for my own bed, my home, and especially my wife.  I miss the familiar routine of my homelife when I travel.  I suppose it’s a fortunate thing to have two homes (if you will) that I enjoy being in.


During the pandemic I would sometimes get restless from being home for too long.  I am used to traveling, I am used to being in the office for certain meetings and work-related events.  Doing those same things remotely wasn’t the same, and I missed the places, the restaurants, the lingerie shops (obviously!), I would visit when I would travel.  Of course once I am settled into my hotel and I have a moment to rest I really long for my own home.  Once the busyness of travel and Lyft rides and meetings are over I have a chance to catch my breath and then the homesickness settles in.  


It’s a double-edged sword, I suppose. I like traveling but I don’t like being away from home, if that makes sense.


Like my gender identity, it’s like I have two lives.  The life I have at home, and the life I have when I am on the road (or in the air, I suppose).


Being bi-gender gives me a life that is divided into two parts.  Yes, some aspects of them do overlap but my boy life and my girl life have pretty defined boundaries (like sections of my closet).  Like feeling restless about being home during the pandemic, I felt the same way about being in boy mode for loooong periods of time during lockdown.  Yes, I could dress at home, but it wasn’t the same.  It’s not as much fun to dress to kill in stilettos and a LBD when you are in your own living room.  When I traveled for the first time after lockdown there was a certain thrill that I hadn’t felt in a while.  Traveling for work felt normal and routine for a bit but the first time on the plane in a year and half brought a certain excitement that I hadn’t felt for some time.  Going out en femme for the first time once the pandemic started brought similar emotions.


When I am in boy mode for too long, I miss and long for Hannah’s life, her wardrobe, and her friends.  But on the flipside, after the end of of a long (but fabulous) day en femme, I miss the small, intimate life that my boy side has.  I have a pretty short social battery and as much as I love Hannah’s life, her life requires me to be more chatty, more outgoing, more… present than my boy life demands.  The boy likes being home on a Saturday night.  Watching a movie with my wife, ordering takeout.  Hannah’s life is the opposite.  


And goodness, it’s exhausting.  


I mean, it’s wonderful and beautiful and essential, but after a ten to twelve hour day in Hannah’s life, it’s nice coming back to the boy life and feeling things quiet down.  I can rest, I can recharge, and I can center myself.  
Of course, Hannah’s life does the same thing for me.  When my makeup is done and I am dressed head to heels, I feel like I exhale.  The tension and anxiety and stress and pressure of my boy life takes a back seat for a bit and… well, it’s like a vacation from all of that.  


Working from home and traveling for work are about as opposite as you can get.  Some things are easier, some things take more work, there are advantages and drawbacks in both aspects.  I suppose both of my genders are not unlike both aspects of my career.  I know some of my colleagues love traveling.  They enjoy the time away from their spouses and children and dread going back home.  I feel sorry for them.  I feel sorry that they don’t have a homelife that they enjoy going back to.  I can’t relate to them.  After a day or so in a hotel I am ready to go back home.  Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to have the dual life my career provides.  I get to see parts of the country I wouldn’t have the opportunity to have otherwise.  I suppose it’s just nice to have a homelife that I miss.


My gender identities are the same.  I love my home, and I love traveling.  I am lucky to have both aspects.  I’m glad to have two amazing cities to live in.  I’m fortunate to have two genders that I love.  As time passes I gain a better understanding of who I am and what I want.  The reason I don’t want to transition is that I like who I am, I like ALL of who I am.  I like going back and forth between gender presentations.  I don’t want to pick one.  While it’s true that stilettos are waaaay more fun to wear than a necktie, I don’t feel out of place or betraying myself when I am in boymode.  Both of my genders are different aspects of one life.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

Are any of the MN T-Girls transitioning?

As much as I cringe at the word, everyone, cis or trans, is on a journey.  We are all at different points in our lives and as time passes we will continue to change and evolve.


That being said, some members are transitioning, some are still figuring that out, and others are perfectly content to going back and forth between gender presentations.  The group has existed for almost ten years now and many girls have been members for almost as long.  I have gotten to know so many amazing t-girls over the years and have been fortunate to see my friends evolve and change over time.  Of course, this evolution and change isn’t necessarily transitioning, it can be more about becoming more comfortable and confident in who they are.  It’s always amazing to have a t-girl attend her first monthly outing only to find out it’s their first time EVER leaving their home.  Within a few months they are strutting confidently in a busy mall or have come out to their friends.  


Of course, I am not immune to changing either.  I have known for decades that transitioning wasn’t where my journey was going to take me.  Despite countless times going out en femme and doing all sorts of things, I know that Hannah’s world, her life, isn’t where I want to live 24/7.  I am happy to live two lives, to have two gender identities.

The changes I have gone through have more to do with becoming more comfortable in stepping out and interacting with the rest of the world.  I care less about what others might think of me.  It might sound a little strange, but I forget I am a t-girl when I am out in the real world.  I am just a girl living her best life… for a little while, anyway.  I always go back to my boy life but I have a good life regardless of my gender presentation and I am blessed to have options.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Fabulous and Frightening

This weekend was the MN T-Girls‘ monthly adventure… AND it was our annual Halloween party! Not to be toooo cliched, but the Halloween party is always a treat.

It was unseasonably warm for an October evening in Minnesota so we were able to spend the party in the backyard at one of our member’s homes. There were about twenty of us and we were all dressed in fun costumes.

I went as a devil (mostly as an excuse to wear my new red latex dress). I didn’t like how the photos of me at the party turned out so here’s a selfie I took after my makeover.

It was a lovely way to spend a Saturday evening. We had girl talk and discussed whether or not candy corn was good or not. 🙂

Happy Halloween!

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

Is it okay that I love to dress up even if I will never pass?

For starters, it will never be “okay” to present as a gender that is different from the one someone was assigned to at birth.  At my most pessimistic I don’t think the world as a whole will ever be accepting of a boy wearing a dress or nail polish or anything femme.

At my most optimistic I also don’t think most of the world really cares.  Most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to really care what someone else is doing or wearing.  Sure, they may think that a boy wearing a skirt is a little unusual but after a few moments they probably won’t give it a second thought.  But I exist for myself.  I dress for myself and I am not going to stop being who I am because of someone else.  


Also!  Passing isn’t real.  There are no set standards one must meet in order to be “allowed” to be a girl.  No one, cis girls or transgirls, are too tall, too… anything to be a girl.  


So, to answer your question, yes!  It is absolutely okay to dress however you like.  True, not everyone will be thrilled or accepting but you need to live your own life and not be concerned with what others might think.  And yes, I know, it’s easier said than done, but I promise you the more you dress the less you care about how others might think.  

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Unremarkable

Hi!


So I had a lovely time this past Saturday.  After traveling for work and a week of stressful meetings and work-related events, I was exhausted but needing a day out en femme.  Isn’t it wonderful we have this side of us?  We can take a break from our stressful and busy boy life and escape into a world of makeup and stilettos.  Or nightgowns or panties or anything femme.  We are truly blessed.


A friend of mine bought tickets to see a play at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater a few months back and this Saturday was the day of the show.  I have always wanted to go there and I had been looking forward to it ever since she got the tickets… and after the week I had I was even more excited.  I woke up, showered and shaved my legs, picked out a cute dress (ever find a dress in your closet and wonder why you don’t wear it more often??) and went to my makeup appointment.  After I had my face done I went to the theater.  


The Chanhassen Dinner Theater is a lot bigger than I expected.  In addition to the large theater for the main productions and dining, there are also two other smaller stages and additional seating areas.  It was beautiful.  I met up with Jennifer and we were escorted to our table.  We were seated next to another table of ladies and we were close enough where we were able to make small talk with them.  


After our lunch the actors took the stage for a production of ‘The Music Man’ and we all had a lovely time watching the show.  And then I drove home.  And that was that.


When I arrived home I chatted with wife about the day and I realized that nothing remarkable happened. No creepy men hitting on me (thank goodness), nothing amusing happened, no close calls bumping into someone either of us knew.  It was a lovely, but uneventful afternoon.  But I realized that in it of itself WAS what was remarkable.  Over the years of going out en femme and doing all sorts of things and going wherever I pleased has been a mixture of fear, apprehension, excitement, and a million other emotions.  Countless thoughts and worries about being read or wondering what people were thinking.  I chatted during intermission with the ladies we sat next to, used the ladies room, and spent the afternoon as a t-girl in a huge audience.  Nothing worried me, there was no fear, no overthinking, no anxiety.  I was just another girl going to a play.  


And isn’t that what we all want?


To live our lives (or at least live our Saturdays) without fear or worrying about what others think?  To do what we want without a second thought?  Ten years ago the afternoon would have been an impossible dream but countless experiences out en femme have bolstered my confidence and stripped away any care of what others might think.  For those of us who aren’t ready to step out en femme I assure you that it gets easier over time.  Yes, I imagine there will be times when in the future when I go out when I might be nervous or scared, but those emotions happen less frequently than they did five years ago.  


However it’s important to not let your guard down.  No matter how many times I go out, I always scan the room for the unlikely chance I see someone I know, or see someone I need to keep an eye on.  Were I to walk into a store where someone was paying a little too much attention to me, well, that would be concerning.   

I know most of us worry and speculate what others are thinking.  But really, you don’t know what is going through their mind.  When I used the ladies room on Saturday I was washing my hands next to another girl and I briefly wondered what she might be thinking.  I didn’t have to wait much longer because she broke the silence by saying “Can I just tell you that I love your heels?”  


It made my day.  My boring, unremarkable, but amazing day.

Love, Hannah