Tag: Your Story

Your Story… by Michelle

by Hannah

I am excited to post an article in the series “Your Story”.

Today Michelle honors us with her story of coming out and her wife’s reaction. I hope you enjoy it.

The beginning:
Well, it all started back in childhood.  Long story short, I was raised in a religious environment that was not accepting of activities like this, or people like me.  There was a lot of shame and a lot of guilt put on to me, and it made it really hard to actually love myself and grow.   I kept this part of my life extremely guarded, but always being told that I was somehow “broken”.  (I strongly suspect that this is similar to many others.)

Fast-forward to 2006, and I’m now married.  I wish I could have told my wife about my dressing before, but as it was, I told her about a month into our marriage that I had something very serious to tell her.  Immediately she thinks the worst, and when I tell her “sometimes I like dressing and feeling pretty”, she just stared blankly, and said with a laugh, “Is that all? That’s no big deal, lots of guys do that.”

She was the first person I’d ever told.  

Choosing to Heal:

I was still involved with my church at this time.  All of my friends were, all of my socializing was, and I knew that who I was inside was never going to be accepted by my circle.  The more I tried to fit in and suppress who I really was, the more it actually started to hurt.  Eventually, I parted ways with that group, but was still connected through family and acquaintances. It took a move to a new town (northern BC, Canada!), to really come to terms with who I was.  

My amazing wife (She’s basically a Canadian “Brene Brown”) and I were outside having a fire one night this winter.  She knew how long I’ve been hurting for and she knew my circle: suppress, release, feel good, feel bad. repeat.  She also knew that because of how I was raised to essential “hate” myself, I had never really been able to “love” myself.  Which makes it pretty hard to be a loving spouse when you don’t love yourself.  We were talking, and the conversation fell to dressing and gender.  She finally told me:  

Her: “You’re turning 40 this year (eek!), do you really want to go another 40 years without loving yourself?”  

Me:  “But… but…”

Her: “No buts.  I love you.  I accept you. You can choose, right now, to love and accept yourself.  Do it.”  

So I did.  

Accepting my feminine identity aspects

I’ve always loved dressing.  I’ve always loved that side of me, and to finally feel free to love and accept who I am?  It has been amazing.  I’ve embraced that pink side of me.  I’ve chosen to recognize it as a vital and essential part of me, rather than something I was never allowed to love.  For the first time in my life, I actually feel free.  There has always been this feminine… something in me.  often in my life, I would contemplate and wish I was actually a girl instead.  Not 100% mind you, but like one day in a week my mind just stays on that thought.  (My wife & daughter know, and we joke that perhaps I have a trans “foot” or a “knee”).  To be able to accept this side of me, and let it out, has been… good.  

As a really neat experience worth sharing, I decided to throw Michelle a “birthday party”.  I bought her a new outfit, and even some gifts. (some new makeup, pyjamas, an underwear set, some jewelry, a women’s magazine, all g-rated stuff).  Also, as a gift I gave her a name.  The coolest part was I even wrote “her” a card, telling her how much I appreciated this side of my life, and how she now has a safe and nourishing home inside of me, where she can be fully loved and accepted.  The ritual side of that level of self-acceptance and self-love was a very deep experience for me.  I wasn’t able to share it with many people (only a cousin who is a very strong ally and “coach” of sorts), but it really mattered to me.  

Coming out 

I had come out to only a few people before, and realized that nobody actually cared, or was hostile.  In fact, as I allowed myself to be vulnerable, they would reciprocate.  Just as much as I had feelings of shame, they often did, too.  Me being vulnerable not only felt really, really good, but it helped some people I came out to, to heal.  

I’d dealt with severe depression/anxiety before in my life; go figure, you suppress your identity and “choose” to hate yourself, youre gonna have a hard time with things.  (As an aside, maybe we don’t need dangerous mood drugs, maybe we just need makeovers?).  I had seen friend & family unable to cope and end their lives from the weight.  It always hurt me knowing that I survived, and maybe I could have said something, anything.  This weekend I realized something.  

1) Coming out feels… good.  It feels right.  Calming.  Accepting. 
Yes, it was scary, but literally no one cares.  Or, to quote Dr. Seuss:  “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter.”  The outpouring of love from some of my closest friends reminded me how good of a friend they really were.  And, they also responded that my coming out to them confirmed the bonds of our friendship.  Didn’t see that coming

2) Coming out is… Heroic?  
I realized that despite being raised and taught otherwise, Vulnerability is the one of the greatest skills I can possess.  It changes people.  And, what if the person I’m coming out to is dealing with some really heavy stuff?  What if there was unresolved abuse, or addiction, or mental illness?  And what if they were too ashamed to bring these things to light and get the healing they need?  The former firefighter in me could now see coming out as a way to actually save lives! 

Next Steps

I dont know what happens next, and my wife has warned me: “You don’t make yourself that vulnerable, you don’t get that close to those flames, without it changing you as a person.  You’re going to end up a very different person a year from now; you might not remember this weekend, but it has touched you.  You’re now headed on a journey whether you like it or not.  And we’re holding hands the entire way.”  

Everything has gone so well so far with this new journey, and I know there will be bumps in the trail.  But I finally feel like my life is worth living.  

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Do you have a perspective or an experience that you would like to share? Please email me with the subject line “Your Story”.

Love, Hannah

Your Story… by Sophie

by Hannah

I am excited to post an article in the series “Your Story”.

Today we have Sophie sharing her experience from her first time out en femme. I hope you enjoy it.

I’m a recent transplant to the Twin Cities area, having only lived here for only about a year at this point. I’ve been dressing up privately at home since I was a teenager, but since moving here I’ve started to want to actually get out of the house and be more open. It’s exciting and kind of scary, but when it struck me that I was ready I knew there was no way I was going to change my mind. I thought sharing this experience might be something worth sharing with others.

Last summer my wife and I went to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival for the first time. We had a lot of fun, especially with putting together costumes. I was a pirate and she was a witch. Going to the Festival in garb is infinitely better than going in normal clothes. I really feel like you’re missing out if you don’t dress up for it. Anyway, on the drive home we were happy and laughing about the day and just generally basking in the afterglow of it all. And all of a sudden it was as if someone had flipped a switch in my brain. I said to my wife, “We should go back again in a couple weeks. And I want to dress up as a wench next time.”

I haven’t taken any time to self-examine that decision point since, and I don’t think I want to. I just knew I was ready to let Sophie out in a way that I hadn’t before. My wife asked if I was sure, and I said yes. She asked me again a couple days later, and I answered yes again. So we bought tickets. Then I spent the next week hastily assembling a costume from whatever pieces I could find on Amazon that I knew would be delivered in time!

For my outfit I had a long off-white underdress with puffed sleeves, a dark wine colored skirt, a brown lace up bustier, a black belt, and brown ankle booties. I also wore fishnets because I couldn’t help myself. I did my own makeup and it came out… okay. I was and still am a novice with makeup. But I’m getting better! I also bought a new lace front wig to wear.

So, straight up, I didn’t fool anyone. No one mistook me for someone with ovaries. The person at the front gate who checked my purse as I entered called me “sir” but quickly corrected themselves. And that’s okay. I didn’t expect anything else. But to my surprise, no one else reacted at all. Not a single person (that I noticed) gave me a second glance, or a question, or any indication of surprise or recognition or anything else. It may have been the biggest “no big deal” moment of my whole life.

We walked around the Festival. We shopped for jewelry. We bought some pottery. We watched the joust and the belly dancers and a very cringey comedy show. We also drank more mead than planned. And in general we just enjoyed being in such a warm, cheerful place for the day.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I understood that this was very likely going to be a pretty safe crowd anyway. People who go to Ren Fests in my experience are very kind, friendly people. Many of them feel like social outcasts in their own ways, which means they try really hard not to make anyone else ever feel anything but welcomed and appreciated. They, we, see each other in those ways. Plus, this was an event where people are encouraged to go in costume. So that was another layer of safety and comfort. But later, when I went out the second time in a less “costumey” environment, I had a very similar experience.

I’m excited to go back to the Renaissance Festival again this summer. I’ve had a year to plan for a new and better costume, so that’s going to be fun. I’ve gotten better with makeup as well. And I definitely have better boots to wear this time too. Because last year… ouch.

Thank you so much, Hannah!

Sophie

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Do you have a perspective or an experience that you would like to share? Please email me with the subject line “Your Story”.

Love, Hannah

Your Story… by Amy

by Hannah

I am excited to post the first article in the series “Your Story”.

Today we have Amy sharing her thoughts and perspectives and advice for partners of girls like us. I hope you enjoy it.

This is addressed to the wife, partner, girlfriend or other who has just discovered that the man in your life secretly wears feminine lingerie at times. Quite how you discovered this is not important, so much as how you react to it. That in turn will depend on a number of variables including your upbringing, your faith, your education, and your expectations of your relationship.


The revelation is probably a shock and leaves you with a turmoil of feelings and questions. Is he gay? Is he having an affair? Does he not love me?


First, calm down and realize that it is unlikely to be the end of your world or the end of your relationship. Your man cross dresses, expressing a deep seated feminine side of him that you did not know about because he has endeavored to keep

it a secret from you, fearing to damage a relationship he holds as very important to him.
Interestingly, men who cross dress are far more common than one would think. It is not a perversion but an expression of something that is a part of him, something he probably realized as a teen or young man and something that he has likely been ambivalent about ever since, cycling through guilt and grudging acceptance several times over.


There is in fact a wide scale between what our culture has tended to simplify as a binary system of ‘male’ and ‘female’. Your man is a little way along that scale, to all intents and purposes a male and comfortable to be so, but with an added feminine component which our culture provides very little way for him to express. Ironically, women in our modern culture can dress either in frilly feminine clothes or very masculine clothing without comment. The same latitude is not given to men, and should they publicly wear anything that is in the slightest feminine, they are called ‘sissies’, ‘queers’ or other insulting names. Cruelly, our culture has defined ‘men’ in a very narrow and confining way.
Interestingly, our native, indigenous culture has long recognized ‘Two Spirit’ people, further recognizing that such people have value among them as those with an empathy for, respect for and understanding of both primary genders. Such people are respected, not reviled.


Is he having an affair? No, those feminine items are not souvenirs of some sordid affair. He likely bought these things, one by one, on those rare occasions that the opportunity arose. He keeps these things hidden somewhere, fearing your reaction if discovered.


Is he gay? Some cross dressers are, but most are not so inclined. However, cross dressers are often attracted to other men who cross dress, when dressed, though not to men dressed as men. There is a long term for this condition, likely odd to you.


Does he still love you? Yes. Ironically, statistics show that the majority of cross dressers in a steady relationship greatly value their relationship with their partner. This increases their fear of damaging this relationship. Most cross dressers yearn to be better understood by their partners.


The worst thing you can do is to insist your man throw away his stash of feminine clothes and promise never to even think of doing such a thing ever again. He will promise. He values you highly. He will try to keep such a promise. But he will not be able to in the long run. You will simply have driven him further into the depths of the closet.


The better alternative is to accept the situation, recognizing that this is not going to go away and that there is some wisdom in the old adage ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. The vast majority of cross dressers are ‘sometimes’ dressers, with no wish to live full time as women.


One response could be to accept that your man needs to occasionally express his feminine side, give him specific opportunities to do so, but state that you do not wish to be directly involved. It would likely be a huge relief for him to shed the cloak of secrecy, no longer fearing your unexpected early return home and the trauma of discovery.


Another response is to take an active role. Some partners help their men when shopping for clothes, either in the store or online. Some partners enjoy secretly knowing what their man is wearing under male outer clothes while out visiting with friends or at dinner and a show. Some couples buy matching sets of underwear or nightwear and enjoy wearing them together. Some incorporate cross dressing into their sex life, role playing and enjoying sex while fully or partly dressed. The range of possible responses is wide. Outright rejection is an unwise choice and will inevitably sour or ultimately ruin your relationship.


That your man is less of a man than other men you know is a false supposition. Think of him as more than a man. The current terminology is ill defined and confusing, but think of him as a man who has a female persona beneath the surface, perhaps well hidden but yearning to be expressed.


Yes, there is a risk in opening any door into your relationship. A few cross dressing men ultimately cross a threshold and seek to live full time as women, perhaps entering new relationships with others similarly inclined. A few may even commit to surgical procedures that confirm their new gender identity.


But, this essay addresses the vast majority of men who seek ‘sometimes’ to express a feminine side of themselves that is suppressed by our western culture. They seek to be better understood, not vilified. Please give them space to be who they fully are.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Do you have a perspective or an experience that you would like to share? Please email me with the subject line “Your Story”.

Love, Hannah