Inevitable

Have you ever felt like something was both inevitable and not going to happen in a million years?

Have you ever done something that felt the complete opposite than you expected?

That was this past Saturday in a nutshell.


A few weeks ago The Breast Form Store sent over a few items for me to sample and review.  Some new forms (more on those later but OMG), a new gaff, and some lingerie.  Usually when I am sent clothes to review I will have professional photos taken by my friend Shannonlee.  When I have done reviews for gaffs, lingerie, or a corset I have used product pictures from the designer’s website to illustrate my review.  But this time…  I couldn’t stop thinking about if I wanted to do a lingerie shoot for the review.  I am not sure what changed my mind from something I didn’t think, or want to happen in a million years to something I sorta kinda maybe wanted to do, but honestly I think it’s the past year that has really shaped my perspective on life.  


A funny thing happened around my last birthday.  I noticed I started to think about, well, the end of my life.  Not to sound dramatic and I know I have a lot of time left (fingers crossed), but I spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life.  Some of my thoughts were practical, such as making sure my wife and I were financially stable, some of it was more fun, like planning a vacation.  These thoughts, combined with how COVID has really impacted the world and has limited what we can and should do, I thought about life is short and things we want to do could stop being an option very suddenly.  Sure, I want to go on a trip and yes I want to go to the mall without a mask but it’s not smart to do either of these things right now.  A year and a half ago no one would have thought that life would be like this.  But it is, and could be for a long time.


The idea of a lingerie shoot terrified me and at the same time the fear wasn’t stopping me from thinking about it.  I talked to my wife about what I was thinking and we had a good conversation about everything from what I was feeling about life and time running out and fears of someone we know stumbling across the pictures (because let’s face it, if I am going to do it I am likely posting the photos) to what I wanted, and didn’t want if I did the shoot.  After our talk, I felt lighter.  I didn’t realize how crushing my feelings of life running out were impacting me.  Honestly?  I realized I was scared of getting old, getting sick, not being able to do things I wanted to do, whether it was a boudoir shoot or going for a run.  I know the day will come when I shouldn’t be driving (and yes I know that day is decades away) or or doing things that I take for granted.  I don’t want to regret things I could have done.  Things that I want to do but kept putting off, whether it was a lingerie shoot or visiting Italy.


So I did it.  


The shoot, not the trip.  At least not yet.


The shoot happened almost 48 hours from me writing this and I am still processing it.  I didn’t really know what to expect, but I was surprised at how…  nervous and awkward I felt.  I’ve done a lot of shoots over the last five years.  Some for fun, some for reviews, some for En Femme.  I’ve worn everything from wrap dresses to PVC skirts to pants so I am accustomed to being photographed in a lot of different outfits.  But stockings and bras?  Good god.  Lingerie is something one wears for themselves, for intimate moments, for sleeping.  Lingerie is personal, private, and a secret.  Wearing lingerie when someone other than my wife is in the room is a… well, I felt as uncomfortable and as awkward as you can imagine.  I felt silly.  Although I wasn’t expecting it to be…  I don’t know, erotic, I didn’t expect it to be a big deal considering my previous shoots and outfits.  I felt exposed and nervous.  Not exactly strutting out of a comfort zone.


As the shoot progressed I felt a little less nervous and self-conscious.  Shannonlee always helps me come out of my shell a bit and she was as professional as it gets.  She is also my friend.  I can’t imagine letting anyone else photograph me for a shoot like this.


I’ll (probably) post the finished shots, but I wanted to share some pictures from that day.  These were taken with an iPhone (please excuse the quality) and haven’t been touched up with lighting and whatever magic Shannonlee does.  They are also in black and white because, well, black and white is… forgiving.  Let’s leave it at that.


As I write this I can honestly say I am glad I did this, even with all the nervousness and anxiety the day brought.  I can’t say I will ever do this again, but I think this is one less thing I will have on my list of regrets when things like this aren’t an option anymore.


Be gentle.


Related reading

Strutting Out of a Comfort Zone

All We Have is Who We Are

Love, Hannah

Fishnets and Fetish

I usually never repeat outfits when I do photo shoots but I felt that this deserved another round of pictures.

This is as spicy and fetishy as I get. This side of me is not a fetish but god it’s fun to wear outfits like this sometimes. And is there anything more alluring than fishnets?

I hope you like this look! It’s not my typical style but I feel powerful, desired, and confident dressed like this.

Love, Hannah

Feeling Blue and Beautiful

I just love this dress. Just absolutely adore it. It fits perfectly, it’s flattering, and just shows off my curve. It’s flirty and and it’s…it’s just fun to wear.

I had hoped to wear it on a day out shopping but of course so many plans were kicked aside this year, but I promise as soon it’s safer and more fun to go out again this will be the first dress I wear.

The dress is from En Femme and yes, I know I sound like a shill for hyping a dress from a designer I work for, but I work for them for a reason and dresses like this one are a major reason.

Even though I haven’t worn this to a mall yet, I did wear it for last month’s photo shoot.
I hope you like it!

Love, Hannah

All Glammed Up and No Place to Go

This year a million plans went out the window and for the most part I remained optimistic. It wasn’t easy. I still made plans and I knew there was always a likely chance they would be canceled or postponed.

I like looking forward to things and events and like every year I was excited about the MN T-Girls Holiday Party. As soon as the weather starts to turn colder I start looking for my dress. Most of the time it’s sparkly.

I was pretty sure the party would not happen this year and sure enough our outings are on hold for a bit. But I was optimistic that it would happen despite being pretty sure it wouldn’t. I was so optimistic that I still bought my dress.

I didn’t get to wear it for a holiday party this year but I did get to wear it for last month’s photo shoot. I hope you like it.

Love, Hannah

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Now that Thanksgiving is in the rear view mirror, it’s getting harder to ignore that Christmas is less than four weeks away.

I don’t know about you but when I was growing up I did receive some nice gifts, but I can’t tell you how badly I hoped that the packages under the tree had a beautiful dress in them instead of a sweater. I still hope for the same thing.

After all my shopping for others is done, I always treat myself to something for Hannah. This year will be no different despite how odd this holiday season has been so far. This entire year has been depressing in a few ways and it’s sad to see many local businesses struggle to survive. I support the businesses that I love and value as much as I can, whether it’s a small coffee shop or an independent book store or a local restaurant.

Hannah does her part too. There’s too few businesses out there that specifically cater to our community. Yes, I can buy panties at Target, but Target doesn’t need my money. There are several designers online that I chose to give my business to, especially these days.

And yes, shopping online is not the same as hitting the mall en femme, but let’s face it, it’s not as fun as it usually is right now Over the next few days I will be featuring a few places that would very much appreciate your business.

En Femme

Yes, I know that I model and write for En Femme, but I chose to partner with them because I think their clothes are super cute and they fit really well. It’s been a fun and enjoyable partnership. I wanted to put a spotlight on a few of my favorite outfits that I’ve modeled for them and that I have purchased for myself.

En Femme is having a huge Black Friday sale so I encourage you to check out what they have to offer.

Midnight Dream Gown

Love, love, love this gown. The fit is flattering and the slit is incredibly sexy. The gown has built-in pockets for breast forms and the straps are nice and wide. The length is perfect for a girl like us. It’s a beautiful dress and the photos don’t do it justice. I had planned on wearing it for the annual MN T-Girls holiday party but, you know, COVID.

Luxurious Sleeveless Swing Dress

This dress is super cute and it’s on clearance! Like other dresses from En Femme, the fit is true to size, the skirt has a subtle pleat to it, and the wind really likes to blow it around if you’re into that sort of thing, lol. It’s just a fun dress and pairs well with beige heels.

Luxurious Sleeveless Swing Dress

Of all the things I haven’t been able to do this year, not being able to wear this dress out shopping or… anywhere is at the top of the list. If you like showing off your legs like I do, you will love this dress. The colors are bold and the silver is very sparkly. Like the other dress, it has a bit of a pleat but it’s less subtle than the swing dress.

Chiffon Cap Sleeve Cami and Sexy Stretch Vegan Leather Contour Mini Skirt

I rarely wear skirts so when I find a cute outfit I can put together with a skirt and a blouse it makes me really happy. This outfit…. my god, it’s not for the shy. The skirt is shorter than it looks, if that makes sense but for me that is a plus. I love leather and PVC but if I can, I always go with vegan leather. Not because I’m vegan but because I think vegan leather is very sexy. It’s got a bit of a stretch and a shine to it compared to real leather.

This blouse is equally daring. A plunging neckline and the fabric gathers at the bust to create an eye-catching look.

Both parts of this outfit are sexy but paired together with glossy stockings… watch out.

Love, Hannah

En Femme Fall Photo Shoot!

Yesterday was probably the last warm autumn day In Minnesota for the year. I was SO happy the weather cooperated because I had a photo shoot for En Femme‘s fall line.

Shannonlee and I shot pictures in downtown Saint Paul and it was such a fun shoot. My favorite location was when we snuck into a newly renovated hotel that used to be a girl’s school a million years ago that they say is now haunted. Spoooooky.

Love, Hannah

Silver and Bold

I used to think the only way I would be able to leave my home en femme was if I passed. Knowing I would never pass (not that there is such a thing) I thought if I blended in I would be ready to brave the world.

I see blending as a… hm, survival method, and it was in this perspective that gave me the courage to enter the real world.

My sense of fashion, however, does not lend well to blending and I have just embraced it. Certain colors, patterns, and prints just scream LOOK AT ME. Of course, being as tall as I am AND being trans I am going to be noticed so I may as well wear what I want.

Sparkly, silver dresses do not help a girl blend in. It requires an insane amount of confidence and hubris and the ability to shut out the stares to wear a dress like that in public. And that’s what I did at last month’s photo shoot.

This was for a project a friend of mine is putting together and I’ll share more details as they become available. For now, I hope you enjoy the photos!

Love, Hannah

Peace in the Garden

“Are you excited for tomorrow?” my wife asked.

I shrugged.

“Liar”, she teased.

She was referring to a photo shoot I had the next day. It wasn’t a big one, it was for a few dress reviews but they always take a lot of work, and I told her that. I knew I would have fun once things got started and I would be excited to see the pictures, but photo shoots, even simply going out en femme take a lot of work and a lot of planning.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful or bitchy or snobbish or anything, and I am so blessed and fortunate to have the life that I have. But sometimes after a busy week it sounds very tempting to just be lazy instead of packing, selecting accessories, heels, and everything else that goes with a shoot.

But Shannonlee was ready, I had my makeup appointment scheduled, and the designer was counting on me so there was no backing out now. Not that I would, of course. Even after all this time it’s still a thrill to feel the wind dance through my hair and hear the music of my stilettos singing on the sidewalk.

Once my makeup is done and Shannonlee’s camera starts clicking away, I begin to relax and have fun. The hard part, the planning, is done. It’s time to smile (or not) and let the camera do the work.

This summer Shannonlee have done a lot of shoots and the last one we did, well, I wasn’t feeling it. My allergies were causing my eyes to water and smudge my makeup, the sun was bright and hot… I didn’t feel cute and I knew that the photos wouldn’t show the confident girl that I pretend to be. Well, sometimes I am not pretending. 🙂

Thankfully Shannonlee worked her magic and the photos turned out beautiful as always.

Still, I was a little burnt out. Not necessarily from the shoots but from everything. I am emotionally exhausted and I barely have the bandwidth to pay attention to things or really lose myself in something. Basically I feel restless and distracted all the time. Modeling takes a lot of concentration and commitment. I just didn’t feel I could pull myself together for the shoot.

But this shoot was different. It was in the Peace Gardens in south Minneapolis and it was just a beautiful place to be. The weather cooperated and everything just kind of came together. We had fun. I mean, we always do, but this time we really explored the space and interacted with the environment more. It wasn’t just me smiling in front of… something. There was a different energy at this shoot. I worried less about getting the perfect shot and just… try to lose myself in it and I think I pulled it off.

I am looking forward to see the photos, but here are a few of the dresses I wore.

Love, Hannah