The Power of Pink

I was looking at my Flickr account the other day and I saw that this photo was one of my top pictures on my Showcase, which, I assume, is based of off view, likes, and comments.

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I love this photo.  My makeup was done by friend Corrie Dubay and it was from a photo shoot in January 2019 with my friend and photographer Shannonlee.  My legs looks amazing and it’s a cute outfit.  More pictures of this outfit can be seen here.

I love this photo.  I hate this photo.

And this is all going to sound very shallow and I own that.  I also know that my feelings and thoughts are very hypocritical to my core belief: that beauty and femininity has no guidelines, no rules.  There is no such thing as passing, it is impossible to be too “male” to be a girl.

But I’m only human.  I have my insecurities and I get depressed sometimes when I am en femme or see a certain photo.  For every glamorous picture I post, there are five similar shots that are just… ugh and will never be posted.  And that is not Shannonlee’s fault.  I’m the model, it’s my body, my face, my everything.

If you look at anything long or hard enough, you’ll start to notice little things you missed before.  Furthermore, it’s not healthy or recommended to over-analyze or to be super critical of pictures, or of anything, of our femme selves.

But here I am.

So, what do I hate about this picture?  Glad you asked.

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Let’s look at my face.  No matter what direction I am looking or how my head is positioned, my face is my face.  Contouring can only do so much.  I have a pretty strong jawline and it’s not going to be different no matter which gender I am presenting as.  My face looks very male here.  Pointing my head down slightly can usually minimizes my jawline, but I clearly didn’t do that here.  Perhaps I should hire a modeling coach.  🙂

Same with my shoulders.  I look like a linebacker (which is a part of a football team but that’s literally all I know about linebackers).  The pose I am (trying to) rock here contributes to how my shoulders look of course as I am supporting my body with my arm, but my God, my frame is huge.  I am thankful black is a slimming color and de-emphasizes my shape but this picture makes me wish there was a darker color than black.

Next on my list of self-loathing (not really) is my shape itself.  I work hard to stay a size 12 but I have virtually no shape here.  No curves at all.  Thank God for my thigh pads from the Breast Form Store and for my Dita Corset from Glamorous Corset.  Pads, forms, and a corset does amazing things for my shape.  I wish I had these essential items for the shoot the above photo is from.

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Lastly, my hands.  There are many things one can do when it comes to changing the shape or appearance of our bodies.  We can contour our faces, we can wear black, we can wear hip/butt/thigh pads (and I do), we can avoid certain patterns on a dress… but I am very self-conscious about my hands.  I wear rings in an effort to lessen the manly appearance of them and I suppose I could paint my nails more often than I do, but I try not to draw attention to my hands in my shoots but this photo, due to my pose, make it hard to do that here.

Please don’t misunderstand me.  I feel beautiful, I love how I look, I love this picture.  Everyday I get emails from girls like us who try so hard to be beautiful.  Their heart is aching so much as they yearn to be pretty.  I understand.   I relate.  I am very secure with how I look and who I am, but I have days just like anyone where the dysphoria is killing me and I just want to go back to presenting as male and hide under a rock forever.

As much as makeup, a pretty dress, and killer heels can make us feel feminine, they can also make us feel very… male.  As I move from one gender presentation to another, I can see signs of my male self peeking through the cracks of my femme self.  My eyeliner might look amazing, but I also see the bags under my eyes.  My lips might be the reddest shade in the world, but I also see my male jawline.

Makeup and clothes can only do so much.  It’s our attitude that must do the heavy lifting.  Our hearts must also work hand-in-hand with our clothes.  Yes, a pink dress makes me feel more femme than my suit, but if I am constantly nit-picking at every aspect of my face and body (and hands and…. everything else), the pinkest dress in the world is powerless.

And pink is NOT powerless.  And neither are you.  Block out the parts of your brain (and society) that tell you that you are not pretty.  That you are not beautiful.  That you are too male.  At the end of the day, there’s only so much we can do when it comes to our bodies.  Red nail polish is not going to suddenly give our hands the slim, tapered look we may wish for.  Accept it.  Own it.   Move on.  Focus on what you love about yourself.  I may have the manliest hands in the world, but my legs are to die for.

If t-girls had a team color, there’s no question it would be pink.  Pink is considered to be the most feminine hue of the spectrum.  Even “boy clothes” like a dress shirt is commonly looked at as femme.  I don’t support or agree with the genderization of anything, whether it is a color or something to wear, but pink is pretty aggressively feminine.  And thank God for that.

But pink is more than a color for me.  It’s a state of mind.  It’s an attitude.  I wish I knew how to eliminate dysphoria for good, but it’s not possible.  There’s always going to be days, photo shoots, makeovers, pictures… where I feel and look more masculine than I would like.  I acknowledge it, and fight it as best as I can.  It’s not always going to be a fight I win, but if I think pink, in attitude as well as what color I wear, I can hold my head high (even if my head has the squarest jawline in all of humanity) and love who I am.

Love, Hannah

 

 

 

Photo Shoot – Red PVC Dress

This is the final set of photos from November’s photo shoot.

Besides working with my friend and photographer Shannonlee, one of the reasons I love doing photos is having a chance to show off another side of my wardrobe.  Most of the time when I go out en femme, I dress for what I’m doing that day, whether it is shopping or going to dinner.

But there is a side of me that loves to look… sexy.  A girl wearing leather or PVC looks a little out of place at the mall, so photo shoots give me a chance to let this side of me out for a little bit.

Of course sexy is subjective and this look isn’t for everyone, but it’s still a part of me.

What do you think?
Love, Hannah

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Photo Shoot – Yellow Dress

If someone at work were to compliment a tie I was wearing, I would say thank you.  If they asked when or where I bought it, I would likely have to think about it and probably wouldn’t remember.

But the other side of my closet is different.  Every dress has a story and I remember each one.

Besides trying it on at the shop when I bought it, this was the first time I wore this cute little dress.  As soon as I put it on, I knew I would wear it for a future photo shoot.  It’s cute, it pairs really nicely with my white heels, it’s short and shows off my legs.

I hope you love this dress as much as I do!

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Love, Hannah

Serving Glamour!

We all know the difficulty of finding clothes that fit our bodies.  A size 14 is not always a size 14.  Often times a dress fits perfectly around our hips but our shoulders are a different story.  I am always excited when I see a new company or designer making clothes for our bodies.  Not only does this give us another option, but it’s encouraging to see others supporting girls like us.

We can add Serving Glamour to the growing list of designers making clothes for us.

Serving Glamour provides access to modest and modern clothing and accessories specifically designed and chosen for transgender women and their unique body shapes so they feel fashionable and feminine in any social or professional situation.

Serving Glamour is owned and operated by Jennifer Walter BA, the wife of a transgender female mechanical engineer.  As a member of Tempe Fashion and Business Resource Innovation Center (FABRIC), Jennifer is working closely with local experts in fashion design and manufacturing to guarantee that Serving Glamour fashions and accessories are of the highest quality.

Serving Glamour sells shoes, clothing, accessories, and purses.  I had the honor of trying Jennifer’s custom wrap dress and I modeled it for my most recent photo shoot.  The dress feels silky and sensual, and I loved the sparkly pattern.

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The dress is flattering and I love the neckline.  It comes at a perfect angle and it shows off just enough cleavage. The skirt is also cut in a way to show off my legs when I want to, and I always like to show off my legs.

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The dress is sexy and flirty, and perfect for date night… and for Sunday brunch.

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I hope you like Jennifer’s dress as much as I do.  Please support her by signing up for her mailing list.

Thank you to Jennifer for the dress, and for giving girls like us another option for our wardrobes.

Love, Hannah