I guess it’s National Pink Day, so I hope you all are celebrating!
I guess it’s National Pink Day, so I hope you all are celebrating!
Last night was the monthly outing for the MN T-Girls and like each month, it was filled with girl talk, making new friends and support. We’ve had a busy 2017 so far with going out to dinner, shopping, makeup demonstrations and other exciting events so I thought it was a good time to have a quiet evening at Blue Moon Coffee Cafe in Minneapolis. The weather was rainy and gloomy which helped add to the perfect conditions for spending time drinking tea and coffee with friends.
Thank you to everyone who came, whether in boy-mode or just-had-a-makeover-mode, t-girl or supportive family members.
I had a feeling, almost a premonition, that something interesting was going to happen when I went out yesterday. I started by picking out my outfit, a white dress with a floral pattern and matched it with a pair of nude pumps as seen in the photo to the left. But at the last second I replaced it with a hot pink dress and matching stilettos as shown in the photo below.
My makeup looked good. My mascara made my eyelashes so long that they cast a shadow on my face. My lipstick matched my outfit. Whatever was going to happen, I was going to face it by looking fabulous. I was going to meet up with a friend for dinner and I had some time to kill so I went to the mall. I popped into a few stores and then as I rounded a corner, I saw her.
I saw my mom.
I came out to my mom a few years ago, when I still identified as a crossdresser. I still identify as a crossdresser but I feel transgender is more appropriate. It was a surprise to her and although my mom is a wonderful person and supportive of the GLBTQ community, she wasn’t prepared for this revelation and it didn’t go as well as I had hoped. But I think I could have explained myself better. I think had I explained what it meant for me to identify as trans as opposed to me wearing dresses and heels it might have gone differently. I think when I started to identify as transgender instead of a crossdresser I went from “this is what I like to do” to “this is who I am”.
I was excited for her to meet Hannah. I wanted very much to go shopping with my mom, to meet for coffee. To be a daughter, even if only for an afternoon. But it wasn’t meant to be. She was glad I was honest with her but wasn’t ready to meet Hannah.
Over the next few months, we had a few more conversations but I didn’t feel they were going anywhere. I soon gave up on the hope of her meeting Hannah. It would still hurt from time to time, however. I knew my mom loved and accepted me, but I couldn’t help feeling sad that there was this part of my life, another half of my life, that she didn’t want to know.
I could have pressed, but I respected her feelings.
Lately it has been on my mind, though. I wondered if enough time had passed for me to broach the subject again. When I considered this, most of the time I decided to drop it. When I didn’t decide to drop it, I wondered how to do it, and ended up dropping it anyway. But yesterday my mom faced me in the most literal way possible: by running into me at the mall. Because of course I was at the mall.
As we walked towards each other, I didn’t have that sense of panic. It was more like…what should I do here? I remembered my mom saying she didn’t want to meet me, but it felt wrong to just pass by her and not say anything. But I also felt like this was my chance. It was meant to be.
After the initial shock, we got to chatting. Small talk, how the week went, what was coming up later on in the month, my sisters, weekend plans. I am sure running into Hannah was the last thing she expected to happen on her Saturday trip to JCPenney’s but my mom bounced back well and was comfortable, chatty, friendly and just…normal. It didn’t feel weird or tense.
We ended up walking around the store and talking for about 20 minutes until she was off on her next errand. In the parking lot I told her that I knew she didn’t want to meet me and that I was sorry it happened. I am not sorry for who I am, but I respected her decision to not meet me. I told her that this afternoon was something I had dreamed of for a very long time. I let her know if she ever wanted to go shopping or have a coffee that I would love to meet up with her.
I was surprised at how emotional I was when I told her this.
We said our goodbyes, she told me she loved me (as she always does when I see her) and she hugged me. Do you know how long I’ve wanted her to hug Hannah?
I walked back to the mall and immediately texted my wife. After I told her what happened, we exchanged this:
My evening went as planned and later my wife called my mom just to check in with her now that she met me. My mom was supportive and talkative, had some questions for my wife and was very encouraging. I suppose ten years ago I never thought I would have had a day like yesterday…having a wife who is supportive, having the confidence to go out, having the courage to tell my mom and for my wife and my mom to chat about my gender identity on the phone.
I never really thought what occurred yesterday would ever happen and who knows if she’ll ever see me again. Yesterday life became a whole new world for myself and for my mom. It was full of new. I mean, how often does your mom meet you for the first time?
Sometimes I am amazed at our progress. Sometimes I am amazed at the progress of the rest of the world. Never did I think we’d live in an age where there were greeting cards designed to celebrate someone’s transition but that is exactly what Hallmark is doing.
Hallmark put out a line of cards in 2015 that went largely unnoticed until recently. I really recommend reading this article from the Kansas City Star.
Thanks to Jennifer for forwarding this article to me!
I think many of us fear being caught.
I have been wearing heels, dresses and anything else you can name for as far back as I can remember. Well, maybe wearing isn’t the right phrase, perhaps “trying to wear” is more appropriate. I recall being as young as four and searching the closet for my mom’s high heels. Even when I was young, I didn’t think there was anything “wrong” with me, I just liked what I liked. But I somehow knew my wardrobe preferences should be kept a secret.
Until perhaps fifteen years ago, terror and crossdressing went hand in hand. I was terrified whenever I worked up the courage to go to Target to buy panties at the chance of someone bumping into me. I was terrified someone would open my closet and see my stilettos. I was terrified all the time of being caught.
After I came out to my girlfriend, whom I later married, the fear went away for the most part. The person whose opinion really mattered knew all about me and I didn’t need to hide anymore. I slowly started posting on forums, such as crossdressers.com, soon photos appeared and, well, now I have this website.
The fear faded as I grew older and started to realize that it was unlikely I would be “caught”. As far as I know, I have kept this a secret from everyone that I haven’t come out to. I don’t have any fear going out at all, either. I don’t think Hannah looks like male me unless you were close enough, but then again, I may be fooling myself. But I really don’t think I am.
Having this blog and posting photos does open up the chance of being “caught”. Am I afraid someone in my male life would see it? Not really. I don’t think this is the kind of site you just stumble upon. I think you’d find my site if you were looking for a site like mine. And if you’re looking for a site like mine, well, you probably understand the importance of keeping a secret.
The other day I was thinking about our fear of being caught. It’s true, I don’t want to be caught, but I was thinking if there’s anyone in my male life that knows about me that I don’t know of. It is entirely possible that someone has seen me in the mall carrying a Victoria’s Secret bag or at Ulta picking up foundation. It is possible someone has found my site, either on accident or on purpose. If someone has see me and are respecting my privacy, then I truly appreciate it.
If someone does know about me, I really wouldn’t mind if you let me know that you know. Unless of course you think I am weird or doing something wrong, then you can keep pretending that you don’t know. But if you know me, if you know the male me, you can tell me. I don’t like keeping secrets, but we all know how important it is to keep this secret. If you know the male me and want to meet Hannah, let me know. She would like to meet you, too.