I am Not

I think identifying as anything beyond cisgender will probably create a very complicated life.

Perhaps complicated isn’t the most accurate word, but multi-faceted is the more accurate term. For example, yes, I am transgender, but being trans isn’t the same level of trans-ness as say, Laverne Cox. Some of us feel that hormones, surgery, and legal changes are what feels right. For others, underdressing is all we want.

Identifying as transgender means different things to different people and we are all valid.

On one hand it’s wonderful that there is a term that we can identify as (if you want to identify as anything). On the other hand, this can also complicate things. When I look at my followers on Twitter, I see people who are, from what I can tell, completely cisgender. I see girls like me, I see drag queens, I see activists, I see those who have transitioned, I see fetishists, I see those who are very much in the closet, and many others.

My website allows me to see the terms that people google to find me. In the last 24 hours my website has been discovered using a wide variety of terms such as:

-crossdressing mtf how to tell your family

-how to get into crossdressing

-feminized husband

-male to female makeover services

I write a lot about coming out and things to keep in mind when if and when we have these conversations. I write about marriage, though not about being a feminized husband (that crosses into the fetish category, though I am not kink-shaming anyone). I write about different resources, including makeover services.

Although these terms are not necessarily what I write about (and there are some very specific fetishy ones that I did not include here), it’s not too surprising to see them. Those like us will look for help and support. Those like us look for makeup artists who know how to color-correct and contour a face like ours. I have seen the search term for “trans girls with purse fetish”, so um, here you go:

We all are who we are or what we wear for different reasons. It could be because wearing a dress just aligns better with our gender identity. It could be because wearing a nightie is just more comfortable when we sleep. Same with panties or leggings. We might wear what we wear because we like the fact that they are “girl clothes”. We might wear what we wear because, well, we get a sexual thrill from it.

You do you, girl.

Coming out or identifying as trans often puts a lot of caveats on our gender identity. It’s important to be understood, but this part of us is hard to explain,and it’s hard for someone else to understand. It’s even hard for us to understand it.

Perhaps it is easier to explain what we are not. I am not a sissy, I am not a drag queen, I am not a fetish. Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course. I was not assigned the wrong gender at birth, I am not a woman trapped in a man’s body. I am not unhappy in my male life.

Of course, we are under no obligation to be understood but the world, our families, almost require us to explain who we are and who we’re not. These conversations will likely happen. The are often intrusive, they will often cross boundaries of what is polite and can often be too nosy or personal. But they will probably happen and we should be prepared for them.

Who are you?
Who are you not?

Love, Hannah

Butterflies

The monarch butterfly can be found around milkweed plants, if you wanted to find one.

As beautiful as we are, girls like us are not like butterflies.

What I mean is that there is not a specific place to find us. One of the most common questions I am asked is where does someone go to meet a crossdresser or a t-girl? If I am asked this question by a chaser, I ignore them. We are not your goddamn fetish. If this question is asked by a girl like me, then it’s a little different.

It’s so important to have support and to know others like us. It’s pretty normal to feel alone and to think that there is no one on the planet that is like us, but that is simply not the case.

But where do you find others like us? If you are looking for support, I encourage you to find a local chapter of PFLAG. Crossdresser Heaven also has a pretty impressive list of resources. An LGBTQI+ nightclub or bar is also a pretty typical place to meet a girl like us.

But if the bar scene isn’t for you (and it’s not my scene), then what are your options? To be honest, it’s not like we all hang out at designated places. There are places I go to but I don’t necessarily shop there because of my gender identity. I go to Starbucks and Target because I need coffee and I need… Target stuff, but I don’t go to these places because I expect to see other t-girls. I go to museums and book stores, but to be honest, I rarely see other girls like me.

And even if I did, I would never approach someone that I thought was trans. You probably shouldn’t either.

If you are looking to make friends, then the internet is going to be your best bet. Transgender Heaven and Crossdressers.com are two of the best and most active forums out there.

Girls like us are everywhere… but we are probably in boy mode. When I go grocery shopping it’s not likely the cashier knows about my gender identity, just like I don’t know theirs.

Be safe.

Love, Hannah

August Photo Shoot Preview!

This past weekend Shannonlee did a photo shoot in the beautiful Sculpture Garden in Minneapolis. I have always wanted to do a shoot there and thankfully the weather cooperated, but not much else did 🙂

Shannonlee’s camera was being silly so most of the pictures we took were on an iPhone. My allergies decided to kick in and my eyes watered and smudged my makeup. The sun shone right into my eyes and the squinting spoiled a few shots.

But despite all these small things, it was a wonderful day. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and I need some perspective that my life is really a blessing. I was thankful for the reminder that I am fortunate in many ways, in both of my genders, and I should be more grateful.

I’d like to share a few pictures from that day before Shannonlee works her magic and adjusts things like lighting and cropping. I can’t wait to see the final pictures.

Love, Hannah

Saturday in the Garden

Yesterday was a gorgeous, hot summer day. Not the best type of day to wear pads, forms, stockings, a wig, a gaff, and foundation, but this girl is happy to make some sacrifices to look cute. And I’m glad I wasn’t the only one since yesterday was the monthly MN T-Girl outing.

In these days of social distancing, our recent events have been primarily outside where we can…uh, distance ourselves socially. Thankfully it’s been a little easier to meet as a group since the weather has been cooperating.

Our monthly event for August was a visit to the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden. The Sculpture Garden is one of the most iconic places in the state and it was a beautiful way to spend a summer afternoon.

There were a total of ten of us and we wandered around the garden, looked at some amazing art, had some girl talk, took some great selfies, and just enjoyed being together.

Love, Hannah

The Unbearable Lightness of Being a T-Girl

So…. I know this is all going to sound shallow. I know this. I own this.

I also want to stress that I am not fishing for compliments or reassurance. This is not some veiled post about wanting to be told I am cute or anything.

I try to be content. I try to stay in that perfect and balanced spot of confidence, self-love, and humbleness. But some days I swing madly to the extremes. There are days where I feel so confident that I think I could… oh, I don’t know, expand my modeling or actually find a publisher for my book or any number of ambitious dreams.

There are days when I feel so… hopeless that I want to hide under a rock and stop trying.

It’s not dysphoria. It’s something a little different, something a little more soul-crushing.

Before I go further I want to mention that it is unhealthy and not wise to compare ourselves to anyone else. Especially if you’re a girl like me.

But sometimes I just can’t help it.

I look at my wife and I wish I could be as cute as she is. But I can usually get past this and I remind myself that I am, from a binary level and a chromosome level, that I am considered genetically male. Evolution has given me the body I have.

And I am thankful for it. I am strong and healthy. I am grateful for what I can do and what I have. I am also happy being bi-gender. I like presenting as male. I like my male life. I have no desire or need to live full-time as either gender. Why pick one?

Yesterday through the rabbit-hole that social media can often be, I came across a girl like me. And my god, she was absolutely gorgeous. She was so… perfect in her presentation, makeup, and… everything that it almost hurt. My jealousy was at a level I haven’t felt since the first time I saw (and every time I see) Heidi Phox.

And yes, the girl I am referring is very much a girl like me. As far as I can tell she isn’t on hormones or had any work done.

She was so flawless that I couldn’t stop scrolling through her videos and photos. She was so flawless that I wanted to bury my phone and makeup and never go online ever again.

I don’t know know why this girl affected me in the way she did. Maybe the pandemic, the stress of the election, the aftermath of a particularly hectic summer at work was adding up. I see cute t-girls all the time, but yesterday was rough.

I feel a little better today, but not much. After I finish posting this I am going to start getting ready. I have a makeover in a few hours and then meeting Shannonlee for some photos and then I have the monthly MN T-Girls outing.

A day en femme is usually the cure for anytime I feel kinda blah. But I am not sure how today will go, truthfully. After my makeover I will either look at my reflection and feel amazing and tell myself that I was overreacting and being silly, or my reflection will tell me to go home, wash off my lipstick and go back to bed.

I know this sounds extreme (and again, shallow) but it’s been that kind of week.

Stay tuned. 🙂

Love, Hannah

Genderless Beauty

The mission of Jecca Blac is a cause I wish all designers and companies had. From their website:

Jecca Blac’s mission is to be a brand that represents all beauty lovers: all expressions, genders, sexualities, abilities, pronouns, shapes and sizes. As well as providing beautiful makeup products we also help bring our beautiful community together.

Jecca Blac is a gender free makeup brand that celebrates all makeup wearers. We believe you should use beauty to express yourself and celebrate your uniqueness.

Jecca Blac was founded by Jessica Blackler who has a professional background doing makeup for television and film. She went on to teaching girls like us how to do makeup.

Jecca Blac sells cosmetics, such as beard cover and color correction, but also provides tutorials including videos about covering up beard shadow.

I am always happy to promote businesses that sincerely provide services and products to girls like us. Inclusion is so important. Every face is different and my makeup needs are different than my wife’s, so its wonderful to find products for me and others like us.

Love, Hannah

Patterns

When I was growing up, I was fascinated and intrigued by the vast options of girl clothes. It was all so exciting compared to the clothes that were in my closet and dresser. It seemed like there was an endless variety of shoes. Girls could wear Mary Janes, saddle shoes, pumps, heels, ballet flats, wedges, and of course, stilettos. Girls could wear thongs, tangas, boyshorts, bikinis… the list goes ever on.

I was stuck with such boring clothes. Many of us wonder why we are who we are, and although this isn’t a question that can really be answered I suspect this has a lot to do with who I am.

Patterns were another fascination to me. I had striped shirts… and that was about it. I always loved hounds tooth, polka dots, and gingham patterns. They have always seemed to feminine to me. For my last photo shoot I wore a super cute red gingham pattern dress that I absolutely love and I hope you like it too!

Love, Hannah

That Friday Feeling

When COVID-19 started to really make an impact on our daily lives, it felt as if structure and routine completely turned inside-out. Many of us are working from home, we are limiting ourselves to activities and social visits, as well as countless other small and big things.

It feels like the months are either whizzing by or just dragging along. August feels like April and 2020 has been the longest year in history.

Even though it feels as if the days of the week are all blurring together, Friday still feels like an accomplishment. We made it through another week. And in 2020 making it to Friday is something to be proud of. It’s a small milestone but we should celebrate what we have when we can.

I was thinking about this today and how our lives are filled with small but enormous victories. Yes, they seem small from a global perspective, but they are huge steps for us. I look back on my (ugh) journey and I remember the first time I wore heels, the first time I wore a bra, the first time I saw my reflection en femme. Those moments all made me who I am today. They represented my acceptance of who I am. They were moments of me embracing who I am.

And these moments continue even today. I suspect (and I hope) I will have more small but gigantic victories. I recently embraced my shoulders after years of trying to hide them. Yes, this is not the same as finding a cure to cancer, but I think you know what I mean.

What victories have you had lately? What are your seemingly small and significant obstacles have you overcome? Please comment below, I would love to spend my Friday reading them. 🙂

Love, Hannah

Fast Fashion

It’s amazing how fast a fashion cycle can go.

Some things are popular for what seems to be a short period of time, and some things seem to be around forever or constantly making a return. I am not a fan of (most) high-low dresses or maxi dresses but they always seem to be fashionable. I have always love peplum dresses and tops but those seem to be out of favor.

Of course, everything is in fashion if you honestly don’t care about what others think. 🙂

Last summer I noticed a trend of dresses that had a mesh or pattern overlay over a simple black dress. I loved this look and I was surprised and a little disappointed that it was super popular for what seemed to be a very short time and then like many trends, went away. I picked out a dress that fit this style but I never wore it until recently. I decided to wear it at my last photo shoot and I’m glad I did, it’s super cute.

What do you think?

Love, Hannah

Heaven and Hell

Well I’ve been to heaven before; and I know the feeling well.
The only thing I can say to you: There’s always a heaven, where there’s a hell.

-Angela McCluskey

I am thrilled to share with you the latest piece by my friend Marci Ansen. Marci has used her breathtaking talent to create a few photo compositions of me over the last few months but I have to admit that her newest piece is just… awe-inspiring. It’s absolutely beautiful and I can’t stop looking at the sky. I hope you like it as much as I do.

Love, Hannah