I Could Have Danced All Night

I suspect most of us can relate, but I clearly remember the first time I wore stockings. The slow, quiet, delicate feeling of gently pulling them up my leg… my careful, trembling hand fastening the intricate lace to my garter belt…

I can recall this moment as if it had happened a few moments ago. I can recall the new perspective that five inch stilettos brought. The joy of wearing panties and realizing that they were everything I had fantasized they would be.

These joyful, intimate memories will stay with me forever. After a lifetime of femme clothes the thrill of my hands gliding a zipper up the back of a dress never fades.

Many aspects of all of THIS become, well, normal after a time. When I go out en femme I usually forget I am out en femme. Which sounds a little odd but years ago I was hyper aware I was a t-girl at the mall, a coffee shop, a museum… now I just float through my day and don’t think of myself as a t-girl. I’m just ME. I’m just HER.

But the happiness that a new dress, a new pair of heels brings will never vanish. I will always feel my soul lightening when a new outfit is reflected back in a mirror that brings out my femininity, my happiness.

And yes this might be shallow but I don’t care.

I think most of us can identify with this. I think crossdressers and t-girls can often have a different relationship with clothes, a different perspective, a different connection that some cis women have.

I want to be very careful here and I don’t want to be misunderstood. I know from time to time the conversation comes up about cis women not appreciating high heels or taking advantage of being allowed to wear a skirt every day. But I think that’s very short-sighted. When I am en femme I am wearing a cute dress and heels and amazing makeup… but if I presented as femme every day? I can’t imagine I would make the same wardrobe choices that I currently do. I am positive I would have lazy days where leggings and flip-flops would be my good-to outfit.

Presenting en femme is a tiny vacation for me, a lovely break from my boy life.

I suppose what I mean to say is that I absolutely acknowledge that the excitement I feel when I wear a bra, stockings, and corset would PROBABLY lessen if I was full-time. It takes a lot of work for Hannah to claw her way out my male presentation and being Hannah every day, all day sounds, well, exhausting.

If I am being honest I sometimes, well, forget that not every feminine presenting person will have the same perspective and reaction to the same clothes that I fantasize about. Some cis girls will see a pair of strappy stilettos and comment how on sexy they look… but also how painful they look whereas I only think of how AMAZING they are.

Wearing heels is a treat for me. AND I acknowledge that I feel this way BECAUSE they are not an option for me on a daily basis.

Does this make sense?? NONE of this is a criticism of ANYONE that isn’t excited about a miniskirt or platform heels.

As I mentioned before, I sometimes forget that a dress that I am wearing won’t always inspire the same joy in someone else. A dress is a magical thing… but for others it’s a piece of uncomfortable fabric.

All of this came to mind a few weeks ago at my most recent photo shoot. I had brought a new gown (well, new to me) and I was soooo excited to wear it. It took some doing and it didn’t fit QUITE right in ALL of the right places but with the help of Shannonlee and Alicia the zipper made it’s way up and I was enchanted with my reflection.

I felt like a girl at a wedding reception, I felt like a prom queen, I felt beautiful. I danced, I twirled, I glided across the floor. I was a princess, I was a bridesmaid, I was a movie star, I was the girl turning every head at a gala.

In my mind I wondered why anyone wouldn’t want to wear a dress like this. Why wouldn’t anyone want to feel this way? Why wouldn’t anyone want to look this way? I wanted to wear this gown forever…

But with each thought of happiness and wonder I reminded myself that if I had to wear this dress for hours and hours I would PROBABLY have a different perspective.

I love who Hannah is. Her life. Her clothes. There is a mixture of feelings I have when I (physically) leave her world. When I remove my makeup, unlace my corset, unfasten my strappy heels, and reverently put her wig back into the box. I am never sad to change back to my male presentation. Mostly it’s a feeling of gratefulness that I have Hannah, that I am Hannah. That I have the life that WE have. I am blessed to have a more beautiful world to spend a day in.

Love, Hannah

The Stranger

The legendary Stana has written more than once about the impact the song “In My Room” by the Beach Boys had on her.

Although not specifically about crossdressing, she listened to the lyrics and related to the song in her own way.

There’s a world where I can go
and tell my secrets to
In my room
In my room

In this world I lock out
all my worries and my fears
In my room
In my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing laugh at yesterday

Now it’s dark and I’m alone
but I won’t be afraid
In my room
In my room

I think a lot of us have done something similar. Whenever I hear the Billy Joel song, ‘The Stranger’ I think of the early days of my own gender journey.

Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out
And show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

Is there a song that isn’t about, you know, all of THIS that speaks to you on a different level that what the songwriter likely intended?

Love, Hannah

Because We Can Can Can

Yesterday was the monthly MN T-Girl s event and it was a very unique outing. The group has had private shopping events and lovely dinners but this month? We had some fun.

Can Can Wonderland is… well, it’s an arcade, a restaurant, and an indoor mini-golf art installation in Saint Paul, Minnesota.

For some reason the girls have asked throughout the years to go mini-golfing and who am I to disagree?

So, about a half-dozen of us spent a rainy Saturday playing pinball and vintage video games. I didn’t get a chance to play any golf but the course looked amazing.

It was a nice break from packing and work stress and I can’t wait to go back!

Love, Hannah

I am Not Supergirl

Goodness life can humble you.

I can wear a cute dress, perfect heels, matching accessories, and get a very good makeover annnnnd BAM! Dysphoria smacks me in the face when I catch a glimpse of my reflection.

This, at the risk of sounding DRAMATIC and SHALLOW, can ruin EVERYTHING.

I like to think I can run (or at least strut quickly) a million miles an hour without rest but that’s not sustainable. Life has a way of catching up.

Sometimes we feel overwhelmed emotionally or physically or mentally. Sometimes all three gang up and jump us at the same time. Annnnnd that’s exactly what happened this week. I got hit with a very bad… something the other day. It made for a Very Bad Wednesday and it completely waylaid me.

As the rest of the week progressed I started to feel a little better and I am mostly just tired and achy (it’s not COVID).

The stress of work and moving and allll that just was too much for me. It was, as I mentioned, humbling. It was a reminder that I am not invincible.

Someone told me that maintenance, whether it was car repairs or self-care, needs to be scheduled… or it will be scheduled for you. And it won’t be convenient.

I am going to rest as much as I can this weekend (although the MN T-Girls are meeting up tomorrow) but the next three weeks are going to be bananas, lol.

Take care of yourself! There’s only one of you!

Love, Hannah

Happy Place

My wife and I are up to our eyeballs in mortgage documents and insurance paperwork and moving boxes and work is crazy and life is insane and I’m just trying to stay positive and I am barely surviving, lol.

Anyway, how are you?

But a very quick thought amid all the insanity.

I, and I imagine most of you as well, love having THIS side of ourselves… especially when the day is hard or life is overwhelming. No matter what life is throwing at me, I have the peace of retreating from the world when I slip into pretty lingerie and rest in my bed. It’s my happy place. And I HATE that term… probably more than I hate the word ‘journey’.

It’s shallow and superficial but I think we can all relate.

Take care of yourself, take care of ALL sides of yourself.

Love, Hannah