Month: October 2022

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Hannah, you always say that you keep your two sides separate – he stays in his lane, Hannah stays in hers. But obviously, that’s not 100%, right? I mean, you wear panties, like you mention in today’s post about pink Wednesdays, even though it’s a HIM day. And you keep your body shaved all the time, I think I’ve read. Maybe there are a few other things, too … nails? eyebrows? possibly a bra or bralette on a work day? or stockings under the boring socks? You’ve said that you lost a lot of weight, which will have given you a more slim figure, but maybe the corsets have trained that figure in a more feminine way, as well?

Other bits of Hannah might also be transferring over to the other side. Being feminine, after all, is more than wearing a dress and shaving your legs, there are behavioral aspects, as well. How you sit, how you walk, the expression on your face, and even more subtle things like whether you interrupt other people when they’re speaking, and how you present ideas in a meeting.

So my question for you is, if all those things are going on, even when Hannah isn’t present, is that something that others have noticed at all? Perhaps on a subconscious level? Certainly it’s possible that people could notice changes, without ever putting two and two together to figure out that he is a crossdresser, but even so it seems like you might get some kind of reaction.

And if so, is that a positive or a negative? I’ve heard of CD’s who modified their behavior, for example, maybe even without intending to, but with the result that they get along better with people, including their wives, and sometimes find that they are better at doing the things that their male self might have struggled with.

I know I’m a nosy parker for asking all this, but after all, you DO have an “Ask Hannah” invitation hung out there.

Our life/lives are very nuanced and strange but they make complete sense to us.

Endless questions when we come out. Why? How? When? Hannah is WHO I am, but not who I always be. This makes little sense to many others. We are often perceived as contradictory but we comfortable with this seemingly teetering balance.

If we, as non cis-people, are looked at a little closer as individuals, these contradictions and exceptions to absolutes begin to subtly glow between cracks.

When I say I keep both of my gender identities separate with no overlap it makes sense to me. AND when it’s pointed out that this isn’t exactly correct like in this question, well, that’s true from a certain perspective.

It’s absolutely true that some attributes, whether physical or otherwise, manifest themselves in HIS life and HIS appearance.

Some of the physical differences are welcome in both of my gender presentations, however. Hannah has nicely arched and shaped eyebrows. The majority of masculine presenting people have (or would prefer to have) thicker, bushier eyebrows. Unattended, my eyebrows grow wild and curly. I’ve always been self-conscious of these fuzzy caterpillars that rest below my forehead. Groomed eyebrows do contribute to a more traditional femme appearance when I am presenting as Hannah and yes, these are HIS eyebrows as well. But I actually like HER eyebrows on HIS face.

Generally speaking, I wouldn’t do anything for HER that HE would be uncomfortable with having.

I keep my body smooth and hairless for Hannah obviously but I actually HATE body hair. Left to its own devices, like my eyebrows, my body hair is thick and, well, EVERYWHERE.

Of course, when I started in shaping my eyebrows and shaving my legs (and everywhere I could reach) I was nervous about someone noticing and, well, making the connection. After over ten years of shaving I’ve never had anyone comment or “figure it out”. I’m sure it’s been noticed but since no one has said anything either people don’t CARE or they know it’s none of their business why I don’t have hairy legs.

Of course, in my male life I am known for being active in running and cycling so that connection might also exist for some.

Ultimately I don’t care if someone sees my hairless arms. It’s unlikely (based on my experiences) anyone will say anything and sure, they could be thinking a LOT of things and wondering MANY things because of this but unless someone comes up to me and tells me what they are thinking I won’t ever know. And really, I don’t care. If I am ever asked I suppose my response would be that I just don’t like body hair and leave it at that. If follow up questions persist then I think I would be a LOT bitchier.

We are paranoid and protective of our secrets. We are, and rightfully so, fearful that someone will figure out who we are based on one little clue or evidence. However, I don’t think people will likely think “hey that guy has shaved legs I BET they are a crossdresser.”

If anything, my appearance might make sense in retrospect. If I were to come out to someone they might ask if that’s why I shave my legs but I don’t think many people will jump to that conclusion.

There are also behavioral traits. In your example, how I sit. Hannah has better posture (a corset helps) and sits cross-legged. HE would benefit from her posture while sitting but he hasn’t picked up on that yet, lol. HE does cross his legs while sitting on occasion but I don’t think that has much to do with my gender identity. I noticed that HE started doing this when I lost a lot of weight for some reason. SHE and HE both walk differently. He rushes from one space to another. Hannah takes her time (usually heels require that). Hannah holds her head up (sometimes to be more aware of the people in her surroundings) while he keeps his head down or looks straightforward. Essentially I don’t feel there are a lot of similarities between he and she when it comes to walking or anything like that.

And we BOTH have a bad habit of interrupting people but Hannah is getting better at this than HE is.

Anyway.

It’s also true that in male mode I am wearing panties or working from home in leggings or sleeping in a nightie. I am wearing femme clothes while presenting as masculine. HE wears femme clothes because HE is a crossdresser.

I am sure I could create a gender Venn diagram that shows a separation AND an overlap of my crossdressing AND my gender identity.

If I were to oversimplify who I am I would say HE wears feminine clothes, lingerie, leggings because HE, well, who knows why. But presenting as feminine (makeup and wig and name and pronouns) is because this appearance is a reflection of one of my gender identities. When I am wearing a nightgown I don’t think of myself as Hannah. I am HIM in a nightgown.

There are many crossdressers that wear femme clothes but it’s not tied into their gender identity. They are dudes who like panties. There are also many that identify as trans but NEVER wear femme clothes in male mode.

Again, we are complicated but I think we all make sense to ourselves.

I have lost weight and yes, I suppose a slimmer figure might be associated with a more femme appearance. I do wear a corset in girl mode but I don’t think I wear it enough to reshape my body after I take it off.

When it comes to non-physical traits, there are some things that HE has adopted from HER. In the early days my wife and I would have girl nights and we would talk and drink wine. I would feel more vulnerable and more open and I would talk more about my feelings more. It felt… safer somehow.

This has led to HIM sharing his thoughts and emotions more. Opening up was and is incredibly freeing. It’s nice to not keep things inside… whether it’s related to identity or being able to communicate with coworkers and other people in your life.

Likewise, Hannah has always been more patient, more thoughtful, and kinder. These are GOOD things. I would like to be these things. HE has learned to adopt these characteristics into his world. HE is a better person for it. These are things that help in his everyday life, both personal and professional. As you said, presenting ideas in a meeting. By being more thoughtful and careful with my words I feel I’ve become more effective in what I am expressing, Hannah’s patience and kindness has led to HIM listening more and being more empathetic.

I feel being more empathetic, kinder, patient, and honest as been enormously beneficial in all aspects of my life, in both of my genders. I am grateful that SHE has taught me these things.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Pink Wednesday

by Hannah

I attended Catholic school from kindergarten alllll the way through my senior year of high school. From the age of five almost every day of school I was wearing a uniform. For most of those years it was dark blue pants and a light blue polo shirt. When I started high school it was also dark blue pants and a light blue shirt.

You can see why I am drawn to pink and fun outfits.

The girls were also pretty limited in what they were allowed to wear but had the option if skirts, at least.

When I would watch television shows or movies that took place in a school I was always jealous that the characters were not forced to wear the same thing every single day. I was, of course, even more envious of the girls in the shows as they could look as cute as they pleased.

I suppose my jealousy continued as I grew older and started working professionally. Until I started my current position, which is remote, I wore a shirt and tie every single day. My female colleagues, like the girls I went to school with, had other options like skirts and cute dresses.

Please understand something. Many men thought, and still think that “women should dress like women”. That they should wear high heels and pencil skirts. Obviously people should wear whatever the hell they choose to.

The 2004 movie ‘Mean Girls’ was very popular when it came out and even now people still quote the dialogue and it has it’s place in pop culture. One of the lines that always resonated with me was “On Wednesdays we wear pink”. This was a rule maintained by one of the popular girls at the high school where most of the movie was set.

This line had an impact on me. On one hand it was a strange concept to me that students had a choice about what they could wear to school. On the other hand nothing seemed more amazing than being able to go anywhere, even school, en femme.

Wednesdays are the midway point to the week. It’s a day where things can turnaround if Monday and Tuesday start off on the wrong foot. It can also cause some stress if the projects you needed to complete before the weekend are falling behind. If I am feeling particularly negative or apathetic it’s an excuse to blow things off since it’s almost the weekend, after all.

But more than anything I try to wear a little pink on Wednesdays. During the work week it’s alllll about underdressing so my pink is almost always panties, sometimes with a matching pink bra or cami.

To celebrate, or at the very least, mark today being Wednesday, here are some pictures of a pink dress that I wore for my most recent photo shoot. I wore a white petticoat to give it some extra body and floofiness. It was a fun look and I hope you like it!

Love, Hannah

Listen

by Hannah

If we are fortunate, we will live long enough to learn. If we are wise, we will choose to learn from our experiences and grow. If we are truly wise we can learn from others’ experiences.

There are times when I look back and wish I knew then what I know now. Often these moments are when I hear how I impacted someone with my actions or words.

I had a colleague years ago that had a very sarcastic sense of humor. He was hilarious. I would try my best to match his wit and to be as funny as he was. Often my attempts were about as misguided as you could imagine. I thought he would take my “humor” as gentle teasing, the way friends sometimes do among themselves.

The problem was that my humor wasn’t clever and after a few weeks he told me he was tired of me constantly making fun of him. I was shocked that he took my comments the way he did. It wasn’t my intention at all.

It was a reminder that the importance of our comments and actions is all about how they make someone else feel… even if it’s not what we meant at all.

I felt horrible. In retrospect he was absolutely correct. His sense of humor was targeted towards a situation… never individual people. He was sarcastic but never made fun of a specific person. But in my stupid attempt to be funny I resorted to making fun of HIM.

I felt horrible. Even now that moment pops into my head and I replay the conversation we had when he bravely, well, stood up to me. I’m sure he thought (and rightly so) that I was an asshole, a bully. I cringe at thinking I was the reason he hated going to work every day.

We cleared the air and got along… better after that. But my God, I am sure he hated me. I hate knowing that I made someone feel that way.

I learned from this. I wish this lesson didn’t have to be learned by making someone feel as horribly as I made them feel.

Of course, THIS side of us is always about learning. How to walk in heels, how to blend foundation, how to do all the tiny, numerous, practical aspects of presenting femme. There are countless tutorials online that teach the… hm, technical parts of all THIS.

The emotional part of this is what is the hardest. Learning to accept this side of yourself is not the step-by-step process that learning makeup is. The emotional part is not only about how we feel and think about ourselves, but can also include how who we are impacts the other people in our world.

Now, I am not referring to the random people we pass by at the mall or the transphobic jerks that say nasty comments online. I’m speaking specifically about our partners.

When my journey diverted from exclusively lingerie and underdressing to presenting femme, wearing a wig and “real” clothes, adopting a femme name and identity, and going out into the world my wife witnessed every single step. She was also there for every mistake, both practical and emotional.

That’s not to say she was going out with me. What I mean is that she was there when I purchased my first real wig online, she was there when I was learning makeup, when I decided on a femme name, and a million other key moments. She saw me evolve and change. Literally.

We both went though this but our point of view was very different. As thrilling as it was to shave my legs, it made my wife feel apprehensive about someone noticing my smooth legs and wondering why I was doing that… and perhaps putting two and two together.

I was very concerned about what she thought and felt about “all this”. But what I failed to acknowledge was how… impactful all of this was on her. Every new milestone could potentially trigger a new emotion or fear. My wife being accepting of me wearing panties doesn’t necessarily mean she would be comfortable with me going to the mall en femme. Both of these situations are different and opened up new fears, new emotions, new thoughts.

But being concerned doesn’t mean I was making the right decisions. It didn’t make me listen.

Why? If I was “concerned” why was I making bad decisions?

I was lost in the fog. I was so focused on myself that I didn’t always listen to her or pay attention to her nonverbal communications. When you are with someone for long enough you can usually sense when something ISN’T fine, even when they say it is. Sometimes it just means that they are not ready to talk about something.

I was also drinking a lot back then. When I was drinking or hungover my thought process, my ability to think things through and consider the potential consequences was pretty bad, to be honest.

After what as been more or less a ten year journey for myself but also for my wife and ultimately for US, we have both settled into my gender identity. I think the days of her wondering and worrying I would want to transition are gone and that the desire to come out to others has dissipated. No new milestones, no new paths on my adventure. Hannah has arrived to where she was heading to.

There is a peace in myself but also between my wife and I when it comes to who I am.

Of course this wasn’t ever easy. At first it was one major new leap after another. With each new THING, whether it was a wig or a name or starting the MN T-Girls or stepping out, new fears and concerns and emotions surfaced. These emotions for me were pink filled moments of excitement. For my wife… not so much.

Now that we are at the point that we are at, I can look back at the past. It’s not unlike being at the top of a mountain and seeing how far you’ve climbed and being able to recall the points where you stumbled. The hard parts. The moments you wanted to turn back. We’re at a point where my wife can tell me things like “When you were first doing THIS, it made me feel THIS way”. She can tell me she told me she was fine with something but in reality it really was stressful. She can tell me that in the early days how lonely she felt because she couldn’t talk to anyone about her husband’s wardrobe.

It’s very possible she tried to tell me these things at the time. As I said I was lost in the fog, drunk, hungover, and just too focused on me, too focused on Hannah, to really listen.

I’m glad she told me these things then as well as after the fact. I’m glad she feels secure to tell me how I made her feel. Of course I feel horrible about all this. To realize how selfish and self-absorbed as I was.

It’s another example of how often it’s not the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem… it’s the things that can come FROM it.

I am often reminded of my selfishness, my self-centeredness, my carelessness, and my mistakes when I receive an email from a partner of a crossdresser.

Something that may be worth keeping in mind is how similar t-girls and crossdressers are. Many, many of us had the same feelings and desires as we grew up, as we came to understand and accept who we are. Many of us can relate to each other. Many of us have done, and want to do, the same things as each other.

We also make the same choices. These are not always the right choices. I admit I didn’t always make the best decisions when it came to this side of me years ago. These decisions impacted my wife. If you made the same choices as I did, it, it may be safe to assume they also affected your own partner in the same way my choices affected my wife.

Listen.

WE are all very similar. And our partners? They are all very similar as well. Why is that? Well, they are all involved with someone that most of the world thinks is a big, tough, manly man… but in the privacy of their own home, or in the safety of the internet… things are not what they seem. Our wives, partners, and girlfriends can all relate to each other in this.

If we as crossdressers and t-girl make poor decisions we will more than likely cause our partners to feel and experience the very same emotions and thoughts that my wife experienced.

The emails I get from partners of crossdressers are all strikingly similar. I am saying this not only to let those like myself know this, but also if your partner crossdresses I want you to know that although you feel alone in this, there are countless other wives and girlfriends who can relate to you. This side of us is complicated for us, but it is complicated in different ways for our partners.

Please know this. I am not wise. I am not, and have never been, the world’s greatest spouse. I am not the most enlightened crossdresser on the planet. If anything, I am fairly introspective, I am an overthinker, and I read a lot. In this example, I read a lot of emails and comments from the partners of people like myself.

During those early days I was absorbed with myself. With Hannah. I wasn’t paying that much attention to what my wife was feeling. I was lost in the fog, I was drinking, I wasn’t who I wanted to be and I wasn’t who I am today.

I was only listening to myself.

If I could turn back time and talk to myself, if I could talk to Hannah in those exciting and selfish days… well, maybe I would listen.

But I can’t do that. But maybe I can talk to you.

I am not here to preach, to lecture, to shake my finger at you. That would be hypocritical. If I think you are making a mistake it’s only because I made the same mistake. I didn’t know it at the time but in hindsight I realize so many decisions were, to say the least, selfish.

What I will say here are what many, many of our partners are telling me. And it’s very possible it’s YOUR own wife that emailed me. A lot of the emails I receive say things along the line of “…my husband reads your website…”

I know this side of us is not always easy… and it’s not always easy to hear how we as human beings can negatively impact others. I think I will forever be haunted when I remember how my colleague felt, how lonely my wife was, the countless other interactions and relationships I’ve had over the years where I said or did the wrong thing…

This rambling post is an effort, from one crossdresser to another, to let you know what your partner might be feeling based on emails I’ve received. What they might want to tell you. Perhaps what they already have told you… but their words fell on deaf ears.

Admittingly some of this might be hard to hear and hard to swallow. I can relate. I often had to brace myself when my wife would say “I need to talk with you about something” and I absolutely knew what we would be discussing.

For the sake of simplicity, I am going to use the word “wife” as opposed to alternating between “partner”, “spouse”, or “significant other”. Most emails I get from our partners are indeed our wives so let’s stick with that.

Once again, I want to reiterate that I am absolutely not holier than thou. Every single thing here is what my wife and I discussed over the years. I am as flawed as anyone.

I also want to make it clear that I am absolutely writing this from my perspective and my own interpretation. I am very aware I could be missing the mark on this.

What Is Your Wife Feeling?

In a word, overwhelmed. She is trying hard to understand YOU, the WHY, the REASONS. I know this side of you might be incredibly simple but, well, it’s not.

She wants to be supportive and wants you to live your truth BUT feels she is putting her feelings aside and is focusing on YOU. Some wives feel like they have to sacrifice their own desires and needs and be loving and giving. If you have kids you have likely seen your wife put aside her own needs for your children… whether it’s giving up sleep or a job or a social life. Some women feel that is expected of them. She might putting her needs aside for YOU and for this side of you.

What Is Your Wife Having a Hard Time With?

The CONSTANT conversation about clothes, makeup, going out together…

Trust me, if you’ve asked her ONCE about going out as girls and she declined you don’t need to ask her again. She remembers. She knows the offer is still out there. She knows you still want to do this. If and when she is ready she will let you know. Repeated requests and bringing it up again is not going to help and will probably, hm, backfire on you.

And yes it’s super fun to talk about clothes and style and fashion. For many of us we’ve been wanting to talk about this side of us for years, especially with our wives… and when we get the chance it is like a breaking dam. It’s a relief for us… but can be very overwhelming for our partners. Reel it in a little.

Your wife may also be tired of the CONSTANT same thing in the bedroom. Intimacy between people is a balance of “oh, THIS again?” and “Wow, WHERE did you learn that?”. It’s not uncommon for people to try new things in the bedroom. People enjoying sex with each other might take some time. Learning what you like with that person, learning what that person likes… just finding a flow that works for you both that is satisfying and sincere and fun.

Roleplaying, fantasies, costumes… all of these things can change the dynamic between people. If your wife wears… you know, THAT nightgown you probably knows what she is trying to communicate to you. PAY ATTENTION.

Aaaand of course, WE want to wear a nightgown too. And likely other things. Sometimes our wives are, well, up for it. Your wife knows you wear lingerie. She knows you probably want to (and you might already) wear something sexy, something femme to bed. This changes the moment. You may put on something cute and you may want to… hm, be the girl, for lack of a better phrase. Your wife might be into that, but maaaaybe not all the time. She maybe wants to have sex with her MAN. Your wife, again, for lack of a better phrase, might want to be the girl. To be the cute one. To be the sexy one. It might take her out of the moment if her husband’s lingerie is cuter than hers. Cue her feeling insecure.

And yes, I know we have needs too and I love lingerie on an almost obsessive level but this side of us is a lot to take in. A lot to put up with.

Sex is not always about SEX. Sex is sometimes an intimate moment between two people. Two people who have committed to a life together. It’s a time to enjoy each other, a moment of refuge from a demanding life. A crossdressing husband brings a lot of baggage and tension and stress. Intimacy is a break from deadlines and Zoom meetings and household chores and bills… and she might also want a break from her man’s penchant for bras.

And yes, she is very likely really hesitant and reluctant to bring this up to you.

What Is Your Wife Afraid of?

She’s afraid you are in denial. This was my wife’s fear. No matter how many times we discussed that I was not strutting towards transition she had a very, very hard time believing that. In retrospect I don’t blame her at all. We went from me telling her that I liked to wear panties to a femme name and going out en femme in a couple of very short and quick years. It seemed like I was going a million miles an hour towards estrogen. It felt inevitable to her.

Time dissipated this fear for her. Somehow she held in there until enough time passed for her to be at peace with this side of me. This was a LOT for her, it was too much. She felt so alone. My heart breaks a little when I remember these days for her.

My words meant nothing to her. It was a little hard to believe me when I was en femme and telling her that I didn’t want to be full time. I mean, she saw how happy I was. She perceived that this side of me made me happy (and it does) and thought (and understandably so) I always wanted to be this happy and would want to transition.

I didn’t have the perspective on who I am at this time. I didn’t have the words to reassure her. I wish I had been seeing a counselor at this time. Not because I needed help understanding who I was, but I think if she knew I was speaking with a trained professional about my identity AND still feeling that transitioning wasn’t for me then she might have felt a little more at ease.

So, perhaps seek out a therapist, one that specializes in gender if you can. You don’t need to see a therapist every week for years… even a few sessions can be helpful.

Your wife is afraid of coming off as non-supportive. This can be… hm, this can feel hypocritical for people in our lives. My siblings and mom are fierce advocates and allies of the LGBTQ+ community. BUT this side of their brother is a little… well, it is taking some time for them to be comfortable with.

Your wife might be in a similar situation. She may have a lot of gay friends and you might (naturally) assume that her having and loving her gay friends is just a hop, skip, and a strut away from loving a gender queer spouse. It’s not. For any of us that have come out to our partners we likely know this from experience.

This was something that I learned early on. Based on the friendships my siblings have, I (naively) assumed they would also be enthusiastic and supportive of me. They are… they were… in their way. It wasn’t instantaneous. It was an adjustment for them.

Your wife might also be afraid of someone finding out which I wrote more about more in depth here.

She is afraid you will cheat on her. It’s normal for our partners to think that because we are blurring the lines of gender that we may also be blurring the lines of sexuality. She likely has wondered if you are gay, to be honest. Although to many of us wearing panties has absolutely nothing to do with being intimate with a man, it’s not that simple, not yet anyway, to our partners.

Listen, the Pink Fog can be dangerous. Your wife has likely already felt that THIS side of us is making us do things that contradict what she is used to. I’ve heard from wives telling me that their husbands are very fiscally responsible so it was a huge shock to learn that their spouse just dropped hundreds of dollars on heels.

This side of us can tempt us to do things out of character… including cheating. A common fear that I hear from our wives is that if they request that you stop wearing lingerie during sexy times it may lead you to looking for someone else to dress up and be intimate with.

And yes, I know that this didn’t cross your mind. It certainly didn’t cross my mind when my wife expressed this fear. Regardless, it’s something many of our wives are thinking.

What Are You Not Hearing?

Years ago I spent the day out en femme. When I got home my wife asked about my day and I told her where I went. After a moment she reminded me that she requested I not go to a certain mall that I went to that day. She has too many friends who go there on the weekend and was afraid someone would see me.

This is understandable and reasonable.

However, I had no recollection of this request. I do one hundred percent believe her though. This was a perfect example of our partners setting a boundary and me absolutely not listening. It’s very possible I HEARD it but quickly forgot about. Again, the Pink Fog…

Some of us let a boundary request go in one ear and out the other. Some of us ignore it. If she asks not to post a photo, leave the house, or whatever else, please listen to her. Please don’t try to get away with it. Again, it’s not always the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem… it’s the things that can come FROM it.

Some of our wives feel like they are talking to a brick wall when it comes to this side of us. This side of us, as I mentioned above, can find it’s way into the bedroom. Intimacy, sexy time, fun in the bedroom… there’s a lot going on between two people. Sometimes sex is raw, passionate, intense. Sometimes it’s gentle, an expression of a love and commitment. Regardless, it’s something that both of you need to feel satisfied with.

That satisfaction is more than the PHYSICAL. It can also be emotional and respectful. If your wife asked you once not to do THAT or touch her THERE then you need to listen. It’s not always easy but we need to pay attention to what our wives are saying, feeling, and responding to… especially in bed. If you feel her energy shift when she sees you in a cute bra and panty then maybe take them off.

And I don’t know about you, but what I am wearing can change my mood. If a work week brought stress and frustration I can bounce back from it by getting dolled up and spending a Saturday en femme. This is also felt when I am being lazy in leggings and a femme shirt (like I am wearing right now) or feeling sexy in lingerie.

I have received emails from wives who tell me that their man is a raw and sexual animal… but when they are in lingerie suddenly they are submissive.

Look, roleplay is a normal and fun thing in the bedroom… BUT it requires a new level of communication. If your wife tells you that she is uncomfortable with SOMETHING, then don’t do it. If your wife doesn’t like being called _________ during sex, then don’t do it.

Likewise if she asks you to leave your lingerie in your dresser during sex then listen to her. She has needs too and they can go beyond her sexual needs. She needs to feel respected and listened to.

And yes, you have needs too. It’s very likely you WANT to wear lingerie during sex. After all, lingerie and sex is pretty synonymous with each other. It’s normal to be aroused while wearing a Basque and stockings. It’s natural to want to be more aroused during intimacy and let’s face it, wearing something cute or slutty or sexy is a GREAT way to do that.

Some wives are afraid you are having only having sex because it’s an excuse, a chance to dress up and the sex is not about desiring HER.

That being said, let your wife set the boundaries here. Have this discussion OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Ask her what she thinks of you wearing lingerie.

Her response will likely go a few different ways.

“I don’t mind it, but please, not all the time”

“It kinda bugs me that you have sexier lingerie than I do”

“I am afraid that if I am not wearing something equally cute you may not be turned on by me”

“Aren’t I enough? Why do you need to wear lingerie?”

“Lingerie changes you… sometimes I like you being “a girl” in bed, but I am not always into that”

“I support your crossdressing but please, could you not dress up when we are having sex?”

These might be disappointing, to say the least, to hear. Of course we would prefer our wives to say that their man wearing a bra makes them very horny and that you should go buy more lingerie but that’s not likely going to happen. Sorry.

Please know that whatever she says about this topic likely required an insane amount of courage. It’s likely something she’s been wanting to tell you but could never find the opportunity or the right words.

Whatever she says, listen.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Now that it is getting into the fall and winter, what items do you suggest?! I am just getting into cross-dressing, and I don’t know what to wear!

As you can tell from the picture below, I am absolutely the right person to ask about how to dress in colder months.

One of the many things I love about femme presentation is the amazing variety there are with clothes as the seasons change. For me, fall is all about layers, leather, skirts, and boots.

Pairing a short skirt with cardigan is a perfect way to show off our legs and stay (somewhat warm).

I love this look. I am not very confident about my skills pairing a skirt with a top but with the help of an H&M mannequin I think I… oh, who am I kidding? I saw a mannequin and just bought everything it was modeling.

I tend to stay away from sweaters as I tend to gravitate towards, ah, tighter clothes but I really like this outfit. I think I sexxed it up with the leather skirt.

I am also really into duster style cardigans. Not necessarily sexy but again, the leather helps… I completed this look with a bodysuit. I think having in a tucked in blouse is a good look with a skirt but I hate tucking in a top. A bodysuit is a wonderful cheat.

One thing that I hate about colder weather is needing to wear a jacket or coat. I think these add to my frame too much and emphasize my masculine shoulders. Buuut I think this look is cute.

Again, I balance (or contradict??) the look with a short skirt.

Honestly, I am not known for my practicality when it comes to my wardrobe. I am overdressed for everything, I am not shy about showing off my legs, my makeup is bold, my heels are high. If I have to dress for the weather I usually do it kicking and screaming. If I HAVE to take the cold into consideration I stubbornly (and admittingly unwisely) match a warm sweater or coat with a short skirt.

One common article in these pictures are boots. I rarely wear boots with a dress but there are exceptions…

I like the short skirt/boot pairing. Boots are a very autumn thing to wear.

I hope this helps?? I don’t think it does.

If anything, let me suggest two things:

  1. Wear whatever you want. Yes, you might be cold and you might look out of place but life is short.
  2. Look at what other women (or mannequins) are wearing. If it looks cute then wear something similar.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I read your post – the one in which you feature a photo of you on a couch – and I’m curious… and how to ask this? I’m curious to know what your goal or hopes where about taking that photo. I’m wondering what brought you to that decision.

Oh, you mean this one?

I love this picture and I’ll use any excuse to post it, lol.

I don’t think I had any goals or hopes. Sometimes I intend a photo to communicate a certain emotion or feeling but it usually falls up short. I realized that if I try to express… anything it comes off as insincere or forced unless it is a truly genuine emotion.

And honestly? It usually is forced. Trying to look like a badass or whatever is the opposite of what I am actually feeling during a shoot. I love shoots. Switching it up to a serious facial expression contradicts the fun I am having.

On a similar note, trying to come off as sensual or sexy is also a little forced. Despite what the photos suggest, these shoots are not, well, erotic. Modeling lingerie (at first) was nerve-wracking. I am usually cold, lol.

The pictures I like the most are the ones where I remember feeling something very strongly. For example, this photo:

This was taken in November of 2020. We were months into the pandemic and the holidays were approaching. The optimism that we would have COVID under control by the end of the year was quickly disappearing. The likelihood that holiday gatherings were going to need to be changed or canceled were increasing. It was, well, it was sad. The year had been stressful and had taken it’s toll on all of us. We were all tired. We were all mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I remember feeling very calm when this photo was taken. I don’t know why. Probably because the afternoon of this shoot was one of the few days of the year where I could… kind of pretend the frightening events of the year weren’t really happening.

And in that letting go I felt very connected to myself. The peace of the moment came over me. I closed my eyes and just breathed.

Shannonlee took the picture.

The click of her camera brought me out of whatever trance I was in and I was back in the real world.

I like to think that this picture captures the brief calm I felt. A rare moment of peace in a tumultuous year.

The photo of me on the couch was also a moment of feeling very connected to my emotions. As time passes I feel more and more grateful for the life I have. I’ve had enough experiences in my life to know how quickly things can change. I could lose my job today. A family member could have a life-alternating injury or medical emergency. I plan for a future that may never happen.

I’ve always hated the idea of living every day like it’s your last. I mean, if I did that, and I mean if I REALLY did that I would quit my job and my wife and I would hop a plane to Italy.

Aaaand of course if I did that and it WASN’T my last day of my life I would have no job and no savings… but I would be in Italy so there’s that, I suppose.

I was feeling very beautiful on this day. The key word is FEELING. Whether or not I THINK I was beautiful or whether or not I WAS beautiful isn’t important here. I am over six feet tall, I have man feet, I have countless physical masculine characteristics. No one would see my body and think it belongs to a cis girl.

The body belongs to me. And I am grateful for it. I am grateful for my legs which allow me to walk. I am grateful for my healthy heart which allows me to exercise and stay in shape. I am grateful for my stubborn mind which keeps me sober.

On the Saturday this was taken I had escaped another stressful week at work. We all have had days that end on a note that you just know will make the next day difficult. A lingering problem, an unexpected situation that comes out of nowhere that causes worry and stress. On those rare Friday afternoons when this doesn’t happen I am grateful to enjoy a weekend without the Sword of Damocles suspended over me.

The absence of work problems, combined with a surge of gratefulness and cute lingerie came together for a really fun photo shoot. I was having a really nice afternoon and honestly? I was just in a good mood.

Many of my photos from this shoot captured me just living in the moment and responding to the camera and the studio. Who knows how much longer any of us have? Who knows what could change? It’s not always possible to do so but my God, if I can taste the strawberry I will.

I am forever getting older, I am forever slowing down. I knew I would never be this young ever again. I may never feel this confident in lingerie ever again.

I sat on the couch, did a few poses and leaned back. Shannonlee knows me well enough when to take pictures and when not to. There are always moments when I am contemplating how to position myself or thinking if a pose would be a good picture. Of course, she is an excellent photographer and will always guide me as well. I mean, after all, I REALLY have no idea what I am doing. Any picture that is halfway decent should be credited to Shannonlee’s guidance and her talent (and my makeup artist and the clothes themselves).

I laid down, crossed my leg, and turned my head. In the same moment I was living in my skin like never before but also felt separated from any fear of whether or not I looked femme. It was HIS body, HER mind. OUR heart.

…That got a little deep, didn’t it?

As long as I can remember lingerie has had an enormous impact on my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to wear stockings and corsets and bras and garter belts and all the wonderful, beautiful articles of clothing I saw mannequins and Victoria’s Secret models wearing.

Over time this pull never dissipated. This desire created courage. Courage led to purchasing my very own lingerie. It led to me wearing these beautiful clothes. I’m forever grateful to have gathered the bravery it took to nervously look for a bra and panty that would fit my body as I haunted the lingerie section of a store. The bravery it took to face the cashier.

It also took acceptance of who I was. I was someone who wanted to wear lingerie, no matter what body parts I had, regardless of what my birth certificate and drivers license said.

Wearing lingerie is a remembrance of the courage it took for me to be who I am. I am fortunate to have conquered any fear, any reluctance I had about my identity. I’m blessed to have overcome the thoughts and doubts that could have held me back.

Being who we are requires an enormous amount of self-love and courage. Whether you are trembling with fear as you browse the lingerie department for the first time or talking to a gender therapist or the million other things that we might do because of who we are, we should all be celebrated.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Our Voice

by Hannah

Hi!

I think representation matters and acceptance of transgender individuals, crossdressers, and non-binary people will grow as the world realizes there are more of us than previously imagined.

I would love to be tell everyone in my male life about who I am even if the sole reason for doing that was to teach others that there are sides to people that they may not see. This would hopefully lead people to thinking that gender is more nuanced, more complex, more varied, and maybe even more simple than they think.

But I am not going to do that. I know we should live our truths and that if we believe something we should stand by it. However, sometimes the truth can be dangerous. Coming out doesn’t impact myself, it also impacts my family, particularly my wife. Could I lose my job because of my gender identity? Sure. Not BECAUSE of it, but I work in education. Could a student file a complaint that they don’t feel comfortable with the school employing an openly non-cisgender person? Sure. Could this complaint gather steam and build into something bigger? Sure. Could the school decide that I am not worth the trouble of keeping me employed? Sure. Could the loss of my job impact my life, and my wife? Sure.

Is that fair to her? No.

I think if I were to come out to someone new it would need to be for a reason. Living full time or transitioning are reasons for me to come out but I don’t think or feel those decisions are right for me. My colleagues would need to know that HE isn’t coming to meetings anymore, but SHE is.

Choosing only one gender to present as for the rest of my life isn’t the right journey for me. I LIKE who I am. I LIKE my lives. I don’t want this to change. Honestly? For myself I see more risks than benefits to coming out. I don’t feel I am in denial, I don’t feel trapped, I don’t feel I have the wrong body or that I am unhappy. Transitioning wouldn’t make me happier than I am. Presenting male doesn’t depress me.

Coming out would, in a way, only drag my wife into something she didn’t sign up for. Could she lose her job? Could her family turn away from her? Sure. These things could happen.

It’s frustrating to know that coming out could very likely lead to serious repercussions. It’s frustrating that there are people who choose to let someone else’s gender identity/presentation impact them.

This fear, this frustration, leads to being underrepresented. Being under underrepresented suppresses equality. Again, the more people know that there are more non-cisgender people in the world than they realize will lead to them (hopefully) thinking that gender isn’t *that* big of a deal. That there is more to people than pants or skirts, pink or blue.

I may not be in a position to openly tell others about who I am but I can do SOMETHING. And so can you.

I really encourage you all to make your voice heard through the annual US Trans Survey. This kicks off today.

From the website:

The U.S. Trans Survey is the largest survey of trans people, by trans people, in the United States. The USTS documents the lives and experiences of trans and nonbinary people ages 16+ in the U.S. and U.S. territories.

USTS reports have been a vital resource, including the reports on the experiences of people of color and reports by state. In 2015, nearly 28,000 people took the USTS. A lot has happened since then – and it’s time to conduct the USTS again in 2022.

Help us continue to be the largest, most diverse sample across all identities. Please spread the word to ensure that people of color, older people, those who live in rural areas, immigrants, Spanish speakers, those who are HIV+, and others hear about the survey. More than ever, it’s important to ensure that trans voices will shape the future.

Thank you for being who you are. Every voice matters.

(I took the survey and it took about 35 minutes. If you take it, I recommend taking it when you have time and the attention span for it.)

Love, Hannah

Tricks, Treats, and T-Girls!

by Hannah

This past Saturday was the annual Halloween party for the MN T-Girls!

Like previous years, the party was held at one of our members’ home who graciously opened her home to the girls.

On a personal note I always intend on planning a very elaborate or creative or sexy (or a combination of all three, lol) costume but the event always seems to sneak up on me. Instead of really doing anything I decided to channel my inner goth and rock as much black leather as I can.

Buuuut then I see the cute costumes the other girls wear and I get jealous and resolve to plan something for the next year.

And I will. Promise.

It was a lovely night with yummy food and fun girl talk. I am so lucky to know these girls.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I would like to know about some resources for looking more feminine

There are two answers to this question. One is very, very, very long.

But I am going to take the easy way out and respond with a different question.

The long answer would be an sprawling list of links that provide resources for makeup, clothes, wigs, heels, shapewear, forms, and many other things that can be used for a traditionally femme presentation. Although this list would be very long I am not sure how helpful it would be. And I am not using that as an excuse to avoid writing a very long response. I think a list like that would be overwhelming.

What is more helpful is, well, narrowing it down a little (or a lot). So, my question to you is, “What is your goal?”

And the goal CAN’T be “I want to look more feminine”. If it is, well, I don’t REALLY know how to help. Everyone, cis or trans, has their own definition of what looking feminine is. For me, and for myself only, I feel I look feminine in heels and a dress and makeup. For others, it’s a cute tank top and leggings and flip flops. If you ask any girl about how to look feminine you will get a lot of different answers.

When I go from boy mode to girl mode there are a lot of small and a lot of big things I do. It’s more than just a wardrobe change. It’s how my makeup is done because I contour my face to give an appearance a rounder, softer (i.e. more feminine) look which is different from my squarish, masculine shape. This is not to say that this is a shape ALL femme presenting people need to have, this is what I want to have when I want to look femme. This perspective, this opinion is my own and for my own face.

Crossdressing takes time, patience, and money. Not everyone has these resources, particularly money. Not everyone can afford a two hundred corset or four hundred breast forms. Do these things help me look and feel more feminine? Yes. But again, this is what helps me feel and look more femme. No girls needs to have an hourglass figure or have a shapely body to be femme.

Going from masculine to feminine is a PROCESS. A huge process that consists of a lot of small steps. Start with something specific. Perhaps think of this as, well, sections. For example:

“I want a more feminine face because I think my jawline is too masculine. How do I use makeup to contour my face?”

“My shoulders are very broad, how do I minimize them?”

“I want to wear a corset so I can have a shapelier body. How do I wear one?”

“What size breast forms should I get?”

“What wig is the right style for my face?”

Does that make sense? I know at the end of the day many of us want to look more feminine and that goal can be overwhelming. I think breaking it down into small steps makes all of this a lot more manageable.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Stripping it all Away

by Hannah

Okay look at this photo.

I mean, if you want, don’t let me tell you what to do.

This is from my most recent photo shoot.

And goodness, that is… that is a lot of skin, isn’t it?

I’ve done a lot of photo shoots over the years but in February 2021, on one of the coldest days in the history of the world, I had my first shoot that included lingerie.

It was terrifying.

But I quickly got over this fear.

I think part of my fear of modeling lingerie was the absence of, well, armor. I have a very cylinder body. I am built like a rectangle. I have pretty broad shoulders. Essentially I feel that I have a very MALE body.

But when I am en femme, I can hide and minimize certain features. Thigh pads and breast forms give me a more feminine shape, my corset gives me hips. Sexy stilettos distract you from my big man feet.

On a side note, isn’t it… well, odd to see your reflection when you are getting dressed or undressed? When I am going from HIM to HER I am putting on my shapewear and pads and forms and clothes and after a little time my reflection shows a very MALE face (before I do my makeup) on a very FEMME body. The transition from HER to HIM is pretty similar. When I come home from a day out en femme I undress and remove my wig and soon my mirror shows a masculine body and but with a very expensive and very glam makeover.

Because of those observations I was terrified that modeling lingerie would look like HIM wearing a pretty bra and panty but with a femme face.

And maybe that’s exactly what I look like.

But I don’t see that in my lingerie photos. I could be naïve or kidding myself but honestly? I think I look pretty okay. I mean, I will never be mistaken for a Victoria’s Secret model but you know? For someone with the body I have I think I do all right.

(Of course my photographer is doing all the hard work. Shannonlee is always looking for the right angle, the right perspective, and choosing the photos that present femininity as much as possible.)

The lingerie is also doing the heavy lifting. A pretty corset and stockings is hopefully drawing the attention from my feminine flaws.

The photo above is me wearing very, very little. It’s not much different (in terms of attire) than other pictures of me wearing a only bra and panty, but I think this shows me at my most confident.

Courage comes from doing something that terrifies you. It’s not the absence of fear. It’s being scared and doing it anyway.

Confidence comes from shutting out the voices and intrusive thoughts that came from others, that come from others, and that could come from others.

It’s intimidating posting pictures of ourselves en femme, or at the very least wearing something that most of the world thinks is designed for a gender that isn’t the same as the one they THINK we are.

Being who we are requires a level of vulnerability that we probably will never experience in our male-presenting lives. Posting a photo, introducing ourselves as a t-girl, as crossdresser, as non-binary person leaves us open to… a lot.

A photo like the one above is revealing not only in terms of skin but also a reveal of how I feel about myself. I think it represents that femininity (to me, anyway) is really about how I FEEL and not exclusively how I look. (Of course how I LOOK does usually influence how I FEEL.) When I am en femme I… hm, RELY on a lot when it comes to my presentation. I wear a corset for my figure, breast forms and thigh pads for my shape. I wear sleeves to minimize my shoulders. Heels to distract from my man feet.

In this photo I have none of that. I am not even wearing my forms.

I am instead relying on body language which is almost always a reflection of how someone is feeling. I felt calm, confident, beautiful, feminine, vulnerable, brave, terrified when this was taken.

(But I kinda feel that way all the time when I am en femme.)

I am thankful for my body. I am thankful that I can walk in stilettos as well as barefoot. That I can see, listen, and speak. That I can hold my wife’s hand, a coffee cup, an eyeliner pen, a book.

I am blessed to have what I have. To be who I am. To feel how I feel.

I hope I never lose sight of this. I hope I never take anything for granted. There will be a time when I just can’t do heels anymore. That my hands tremble when I drink coffee. That my body aches. That I exercise for the last time. That I am too weak to do much.

I can do so much now. I am nearing fifty but I feel stronger, braver, and more powerful than ever. I am also feeling more grateful and blessed than I deserve.

Love, Hannah

“One Sweet Dream…

by Hannah

…came true today”

-Lennon/McCartney

I am not allowed to talk about it quiiiite yet but something really amazing happened a couple of months ago. Before the speculation gets out of hand, I just want to say it’s nothing… Earth-shattering. I didn’t win the lottery or find a publisher for my book or anything super big like that.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I had a thought about… something a while ago and then it happened! I am not trying to be vague but I have to be vague.

At any rate, this got me thinking about how this side of us can not only create a completely different wardrobe than many people in our lives would suspect, but also how we can, and usually do, have dreams and goals and aspirations that people in our male lives couldn’t even begin to guess.

If someone to ask HIM about what goals and dreams HE has, he would probably say something like being able to pay off my house or to be able to afford taking my wife to Italy. If you ask Hannah that same thing, she would tell you her dream is to be a bridesmaid or to fly pretty.

You know, two things that no one from HIS life would ever guess. In fact, if you asked HIM to be in a wedding he would do everything in his power to decline.

The differences don’t end there. On the opposite side of a daydream lie our fears. He can drive all over town and never give it a second thought. She is terrified of getting a flat tire or getting pulled over.

Both sides of me have accomplished things that I never imagined I would. I remember being in my early 20’s and wondering how in the world I would be able to find someone I would want to spend my life with or finding a job that would allow me to afford a home. These things took time but these goals were met.

I think these are pretty common dreams. I think most of us want to be loved and to have someone special in our life. We all need a place to live. Both of these dreams can create stability and comfort.

My femme life has seen many dreams come true. Although it SOUNDS easier to leave the house en femme compared to working for years to save money for a down payment on a home, the mental work of putting on a dress and makeup to do something as small and everyday as getting a cup of coffee takes much more effort.

Mental and emotional barriers are harder to overcome than a barrier that simply requires physical work.

In retrospect the things my femme self has done, dreamed about, and will continue to dream about are things that HE could do at anytime… and things HE has done. In my male life I travel for work pretty regularly and I never give it a second thought. If and when Hannah packs a bag she’s going to be terrified.

I am continuously fascinated by the duality that can exist when it comes to who I am. HE may be wearing a three piece suit for a work event but underneath that is the pinkest lingerie that you could imagine. I helped change a friend’s tire a few months ago and the whole time I was careful that the white lace from my panties didn’t peek out.

Humans are complex. We can be contradictory and in some ways, in contrast with ourselves to others. These two sides of me are exactly that. Two parts that make up a whole. Balancing this took time. It wasn’t easy to settle into figuring out HE and SHE fit into ME.

I don’t think a lot of cis gender people can relate to this, but I have a feeling many of you do.

I hope all of your dreams… HIS dreams and HER dreams, come true.

Love, Hannah