Nine Years and Counting

The MN T-Girls have our final event of 2022 this weekend.

I am in the beginning stages of planning events for the upcoming year and it’s not always easy. Some monthly events are a given, such as the annual Halloween party in October (obviously) and Pride in June. We have an annual photo shoot and a holiday party in December (also obviously), too. That covers four out of the twelve monthly adventures.

It’s a balancing act planning events, to be honest. I have let go of trying to make sure sure EVERY event is appealing to EVERY t-girl. That’s not to say that I ever want or intend to exclude ANYONE. What I mean is that every girl in the group has a different degree of what they are comfortable in doing, and what sounds fun.

For some girls they are only ready to go to an LGBTQ+ café or nightclub. For some the bar scene is not for them and would rather spend the day shopping. Knowing this I try to plan events throughout the year that offer both extremes.

Cost is also a factor. The photo shoot we did last month is out of the price range for many since there is the fee for the studio rental as well as for our photographer’s time and talent. I know that money makes some events prohibitive which is why we also will meet up for for coffee and girl talk.

Some events are super memorable such as private makeup lessons or going to a play. Some were a lot of fun, like the yoga class we did earlier this year, but weren’t really appealing to many in the group. The girls who went really enjoyed it, however.

I encourage feedback from the group about events as it helps me plan future adventures. Sometimes I am told that an event isn’t for them, whether it’s because of cost or it’s not something they are comfortable doing en femme. I appreciate hearing this. If we have something planned and it’s not for them, hopefully a future event is perfect for them.

That being said, November of 2023 will mark ten years of the MN T-Girls.

TEN YEARS.

Honestly I never thought I’d still be doing this for this long.

Our community is something to celebrate, and it would feel like a missed opportunity to not acknowledge this milestone.

To be clear this is not an acknowledgment of something I DID that is worth celebrating. It’s a celebration for every t-girl in the group. Whether it’s a girl who comes to almost every event or someone who joined but isn’t ready to attend, the group exists for t-girls looking for support and friends. I plan on continuing the group as long as girls keep showing up.

Although I can come across as shallow, please believe me that I am so excited and I am sincere in my enthusiasm whenever a t-girl joins us for their first event. Many times it’s their first time out en femme. How amazing is that?? If that’s not something to celebrate I don’t know what is.

Even though I have no plans to stop the group, I also know that nothing lasts forever. Life happens. I could move out of state for a job. I could develop a medical condition. Presenting as a gender that is different than the one you were assigned to at birth could be made illegal.

As of right now I have no plans to move, I (think) I am healthy, and I am not aware of any laws the state of Minnesota is considering that could make me illegal, although who knows what may happen in the next week or within the next year?

Knowing this, I want to really celebrate our ten year anniversary.

I have a few ideas and I have gotten a lot of great suggestions from the girls in the group, but I thought it would be fun to open it up to ya’ll.

Honestly one idea is to invite EVERYONE. A HUGE weekend celebration at a hotel or event center. Live in Illinois? Come on up. Live in Canada? Come on down. I would love to book an event space at a hotel and we all dress up in beautiful gowns and celebrate all of us.

Another idea is an all day event at the Mall of America. An entire day of girl talk and shopping and dining and roller coasters. The mall is a very short Uber ride from the airport after all…

Like… for at least a day everyone could be a MN T-Girl.

I don’t know how feasible any of this would be and would take a lot of money and planning but if any celebration is worth putting in this effort it’s one that honors the courage and beauty of every t-girl in the world.

Love, Hannah

Someone Like You

We are all unique.

And yes! That is a cliché.

But! That doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Every gender non-conforming person is different. I am transgender, you probably are as well. But while I have no desire to transition, you might be legally changing your name today.

The scope of who we are and what we want and what our individual and personal journeys are like are all very broad and different. And I think that’s a good thing. We all have a word that we can identify as even if there are many nuances that go along with that.

I am transgender but I am not going to transition

I am transgender but I underdress and I do not present en femme

I am transgender but I am not fulltime

I am transgender and present fulltime but not at work

I am transgender and I take estrogen

And so on.

As time stubbornly struts on, our perspective of the world and of the amazing possibilities of gender changes. The world becomes bigger. We realize our potential.

Other people can change our perspectives, too. When I learned of the word “crossdresser” I interpreted that word exactly as it was defined for me. “A man that wears girl clothes.”

And although I was like twelve years old when I heard it, I immediately latched onto that word, albeit privately. I was a crossdresser. Hooray! There was a name for me! There were SO many of us that we actually had our own word!

And like a lot of things in life, the internet ruined that word for me.

On my first day of college I visited the library and they had computers that could go online. For my younger readers please understand that this was A Very Big Deal. It still amazes me that my microwave is connected to the internet because at one point if you wanted to go online you had to leave your house and go to an internet cafe or something. God, remember those?

I searched the word “crossdresser” because I wanted to know about others like myself. I wore girl clothes! I loved girl clothes! I wanted to wear more girl clothes!

After a few moments of the slow internet chugging along it eventually provided me with results. And my goodness these results were not appropriate for a public space. Very NSFW. As you can imagine most of the images and websites were very sexually charged and very fetishy.

I was probably naïve but I had really no idea that this was a sexual thing for others. I mean, I knew lingerie was synonymous with intimacy but, well, you know. Sexy yes, but sex itself, and only sex? Again, I was probably naïve. Also, most of the sex crossdressers were portrayed as having (or wanting to have) was with men which suggested there was a link between gender identity and clothing preferences and sexual identity. To me, what I wore to bed was completely unrelated to who I wanted to be in bed WITH.

This side of me wasn’t about sex. I had thought that through the magic of the internet I could find others like myself but I quickly felt that there WEREN’T others like myself… masculine (from a traditional societal perspective) presenting people who loved beautiful clothes.

And it goes without saying that IF this side of you is a fetish, wonderful! I promise I am not kink shaming you.

It took some time to find others like myself and it happened, ironically, through the internet. I went on to form the MN T-Girls and these days I know so many others like me. People who are bi-gender. People who crossdress. People who spend a day here and there en femme but happily return to their drab but fulfilling boy life.

It turns out there were, and are others like myself. There always have been and there always will be.

Although I was around twelve years old when I first heard the word CROSSDRESSER it wasn’t my first experience seeing someone that was somewhat like myself.

Most of us grew up watching cartoons. How many of us saw a male character wear a dress in a television show? It was usually played for laughs or to portray someone who was a little… off or even villainous. How many times did Bugs Bunny dress up?

Although I was seeing a masculine character wear girl clothes for reasons that were different than my own, it was still a significant moment.

I mean, I was a boy that wore girl clothes. And here was another boy that also wore girl clothes. I mean, it was an animated rabbit or an actor in a fictional sitcom, but still.

It showed to me that it was possible.

It showed that this side of me was… well, it could be fun. I mean, Bugs Bunny sure looked like they were enjoying themselves.

I moved on from cartoons and continued to see crossdressing in movies and television shows. A common trope was a boy disguising themselves as a girl for… reasons. Usually the boy did so reluctantly and unwillingly. I could not relate to that. I would daydream about the same situation and how happy I would be to volunteer to get dolled up. Why were these boys resisting it?

Buuut it did offer a new… “reason” to dress up. I could PRETEND to resist it. I COULD pretend to not want to do it. Like, “oh darn, I HAVE to dress as a girl?”.

Additionally, how many television episodes were along the lines of:

“I don’t want to wear makeup or a dress!”

“But you have to so we can trick someone!”

“I don’t want to! But I guess I have NO CHOICE.”

OR!

“You lost a bet! You HAVE to dress as a girl!”

OR!

“You know what would be fun? If we gave your brother a makeover!”

As someone who grew up with two sisters who frequently had friends visit for sleepovers this scenario seemed to have the most potential.

Most scenarios that involved crossdressing or genderbending were played for hilarity.

As I got older crossdressing was usually portrayed as a fetish.

As gender becomes more nuanced and understood these days, movies and television often portray non-cis gender identities as someone being lonely or misunderstood.

It seems our representation falls into either hilarity, kinky, or confusion. Rarely as healthy or as a positive thing.

On one hand at least we HAVE representation. On the other hand, misrepresentation very likely hurts us.

When I was in my early twenties RuPaul made the scene. Although I didn’t see myself as a frag artist it was really wonderful to see someone who loved dressing AND seemed to be having a lot of fun. If anything I was reminded that this side of us is indeed wonderful.

It probably won’t happen in my lifetime, but it’d be interesting and refreshing to see someone like me, someone like you, in a movie. Someone who knows exactly who they are and has a supportive and perhaps a slightly bewildered wife.

That being said, what was it like the first time you saw someone like you in a movie or a television show? They may not have been exactly like you, but seeing a male character slipping into a cocktail dress probably had a huge impression on you.

Love, Hannah

Let’s Talk About Pants

Or! If you live across the pond, let’s talk about trousers.

I am forever a dress and skirt girl. I do wear leggings in boy mode and I’ve modeled, ah, non-pants for En Femme.

Wait, I did wear leggings (pink, obviously) in girl mode for a yoga class the MN T-Girls did earlier this year but that didn’t count.

Truth be told, I admire my t-girl sisters who wear pants and jeans. In a way, I feel they are more confident and secure in their femininity than I am, even if I am wearing a bright floral dress.

I feel that femininity is rooted to how you feel and not exclusively about your clothes. I think what we wear is connected to, well, what we are trying to accomplish, in some ways.

Not that there’s always an objective, mind you.

When I choose my outfit for the day, I base my decision completely on what I want to wear AND where I will be going. I might WANT to wear a tight black leather dress BUT if I am simply running errands I will PROBABLY choose something else. Instead I will consider what won’t look tooooo out of place with where I’ll be.

Please note that this isn’t trying to blend in. I am not trying to do that. And! This isn’t the same thing as trying to stand out. If I wanted to stand out then I would absolutely wear a tight black leather dress at the grocery store.

I’ll wear heels (obviously) and a cute dress that is probably too short. I’ll likely be overdressed for the mall compared to most girls, but this isn’t the same thing as being completely out of place.

I think I could blend in better than I do. I mean, I don’t blend in at all because I am usually overdressed, but I could choose an outfit that would help with minimizing my physical presence. What I mean is that I am a six foot tall transgirl. Tall people, especially tall feminine presenting people tend to be noticed. Transwomen that are “clocked” also tend to stand out. Considering I am both I would have to try very hard to blend in.

Please remember something. Standing out is not the same thing as being so beautiful that everyone notices you. I don’t think me standing out has anything to do with whether or not anyone thinks I am pretty.

If I needed to blend in, I would absolutely ditch the heels and colorful dress. I have femme jeans but like my leggings, I wear them in boy mode.

If clothes and makeup and shoes are a big part of who I am (and they are) then I really want to, well, give in to that. I have to wear pants and look unassuming in my male life so when I have a chance to take a little time off from the masculine parts of my life (whether physical appearance or the the responsibilities HE has), then I want to wear what I want, and toss any thought of blending in to the wind.

When I am wearing a dress and stilettos and winged eyeliner I feel very femme.

Please remember another thing. These things are absolutely not necessary to be femme. These things help me FEEL femme. Everyone has their own perspective on what helps them feel femme… which is kind of the point of this post.

I talk to a lot of t-girls about a lot of things and one thing we usually chat about is, well, clothes. Not to say we are shallow but these conversations are often about where one bought their skirt, for example. Sometimes we talk about why we selected the outfit we did. Sometimes it’s because the outfit was perfect for the occasion or for the day, but often the reason is the outfit is very connected to how someone feels or wants to feel.

Again, sometimes the outfit has a goal. It’s meant to accomplish something.

And sometimes that goal is to blend in.

I mentioned before that a girl wearing a dress and heels is usually overdressed if they are running errands. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. You can’t really be overdressed. What I mean is that not a lot of people are shopping for groceries in stilettos and a bodycon dress.

I mean, I’ve picked up a few groceries in stilettos and a bodycon dress. But if the goal was to blend in at the supermarket I would absolutely choose a different outfit.

Blending in helps some of us feel more feminine. They’re dressed like most of the other girls at the mall, the store, the office, the restaurant, or wherever their day takes them. The are wearing what most women are wearing. Their clothes, although are likely very cute and flattering, aren’t contributing to them standing out.

They are secure and confident in their femininity and don’t necessarily feel that you need to wear strappy heels or a pencil skirt to be femme. Their body language and their confidence is all they need.

And honestly? That’s admirable. I feel femme when I am dressed up but I know a lot of how I feel is because of the very traditional feminine clothes I am wearing. The pink dress and matching heels are my armor.

Clothes have a lot to do with how I feel. When I do wear, well, anything other than a skirt or a dress for a photo shoot I am surprised by how… feminine I still feel. I think a lot has to do with how different femme slacks feel compared to boy pants, but I also couldn’t help thinking that this is how most women dress each day. I still felt connected to my femme side… it was just in a very different way than I had felt before. It was completely and happily unexpected.

Even when I was growing up I couldn’t understand why on earth a girl would choose to wear pants when they could wear a skirt. As the years went by I started to get it. If I was full-time I feel pretty sure that there would be days when I would absolutely opt for pants or jeans or leggings. Time and experience shaped my thinking and perspective.

But these days my perspective is influenced by how they can still help someone feel femme… whether it’s because they are blending in or, to be honest, it’s how they want to dress, dammit. It’s our choices to wear what we please, no matter what it is, that is freeing. The confidence that we can present how we feel is the strongest confidence we can have… whether it’s a dress or pants or anything else.

Love, Hannah

The Click

Hi!

I need your help!

I get a lot of emails from girls like me, from people like you, from crossdressers AND from partners, spouses, and significant others about relationships with a non-cis gender person.

Most of these emails are about two people trying to understand or trying to explain this side of us to their partner.

It’s not uncommon to hear about how someone came out to their partner. I don’t know if there’s a right way to come out to someone (besides being gentle and honest) but goodness I’ve heard of a lot of wrong ways to reveal this side of ourselves. Well, maybe not WRONG but it certainly didn’t go as well as intended despite someone’s best and most sincere efforts.

Helping someone understand this side of us is very very very difficult. It’s complex and simple and abstract all at the same time. I mean, I am at peace with who I am, I know who I am, I know what I want out of life. I also know who I am not and what isn’t right for myself. But could I succinctly and clearly relay this to someone else? No. I mean, I think it would take someone a long time of reading every meandering post on this site to “get” me. Not to say I am a baffling mystery but we are all very nuanced and every transperson is different from another transperson.

Someone was explaining lightyears to me the other day and how light travels and how super powerful telescopes display images of things that happened a zillion years ago and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. It seemed to contradict every law of reality, like looking into something that happened in the past. He did a very good job patiently explaining it but I just couldn’t process it.

Gender identity is probably similar. How does one explain the physics of interstellar light in a couple of sentences? How does one explain why someone with a penis wants to wear a dress?

On a side note, the last thing I expected to write about this morning was comparing crossdressing to lightyears but here we are.

I have come out to three romantic partners in my life. One didn’t understand and avoided discussing it, another was accepting, and then there’s my amazing wife. Each time I came out there was also the need to explain who I wasn’t and what this didn’t mean.

No, I am not gay. No, I am not doing drag. No, this isn’t a sex thing. No, I am not in denial. No, I don’t feel I was born in the wrong body. No, I am not going to transition.

Each of those sentences was their own conversation, often over the course of several weeks. An exhausting conversation for both of us. These conversations rarely led to them being resolved. Resolution would come in time. What I mean is that no matter how many times I told my wife I didn’t want to transition, she wasn’t convinced or at least was very skeptical. It took years until she was at peace and had moved on from that fear.

The first thing that needs to happen when it comes to our partners understanding this side of us is them going in the right direction.

What I mean is them learning what this side of us IS, and them moving away from what this side of us ISN’T.

Our partners first have to come to terms with who are are NOT before learning who are really are, what we really want.

To put it a different way (and bear with me, I am not a mechanic), if you are fixing a car that is making a weird noise, you probably start with what is the most likely reason the car is making that noise. If that is indeed the reason, then you know how to approach it. If it’s not the reason, you go to the second likely reason and so on.

This side of us isn’t that different.

And here we are comparing crossdressing to auto maintenance. I mean, we already compared crossdressing to interstellar travel so we may as well roll it with.

The moment we realize that we want to wear panties or makeup or look feminine we likely immediately wonder WHY we want this. We probably ask ourselves the same questions. Am I gay? Is this a fetish? Am I repressing something I am feeling? Was I born with the wrong genitalia? Is transitioning right for me?

Thus begins a lifetime of introspection and overthinking.

When we come out to our partners, they process who we are in a very similar manner. Is their husband gay? Is their husband wanting to do drag? Is this a fetish? Is he in denial? Does he feel he was born in the wrong body? Does he want to transition?

I mean, to be fair, these are very common reasons why someone like us are who we are. Of course, there are just as many of us where these reasons are nothing to do with who we are. Myself included.

Our partners will likely need to come to peace with each of these questions (and this usually takes a loooong time) before they can start to see for themselves who we really are and what this is all about.

Going back to the car analogy, a mechanic will look at every likely reason an automobile is making a weird noise. If the noise isn’t caused by the most likely reasons they start to look at the situation with fresh eyes and realize it’s a different scenario, one they hadn’t considered. A new thing to understand.

Once my wife came to terms with who I wasn’t, it was only them she could begin the bewildering journey of learning exactly who her husband was.

Like lightspeed, she had to understand who I am in a context that she could relate to, that she could understand.

Something had to click.

And one night, it did.

This click was like a light switch. All of a sudden she could view something with new eyes, in a new perspective. To belabor the metaphor, she was no longer in the dark. She could start to see.

Of course, not everything was easy after this. It was like seeing a very messy basement that needed to be organized. You can finally see what something is and the real work is about to begin.

This click was realizing something about myself that she could relate to.

“You just want to feel beautiful.”

She nailed it. I did want this. I will always want this.

This is an universal desire. I think we all want to feel attractive…. or handsome or beautiful.

Everyone can relate to wanting to feel attractive.. and we all have different perspectives on what this means to someone. For some, it’s a floor-length ballgown. Others feel their best in yoga pants and flipflops. For some a three piece suit is what it takes.

I think her realizing that beauty doesn’t have gender norms and we are all wired in certain ways stripped the essence of who I am down to my core. She had to ignore every societal expectations and traditions when it comes to clothes and feelings and emotions. Black and white became gray, blue and pink become purple.

It was only then she could look at who I was in an objective way. She eliminated common reasons why someone with a penis wants to wear lingerie and could see things differently and she could see me for who I was.

In a new light.

Of course, not everything was sunshine and butterflies from there. We still had difficult conversations, she still had fears, complex feelings, and doubts. Much of this was two steps forward, one step back.

My point is that it took years for she and I to be more or less on the same page with all of this. It took years of going in the right direction, if you will, in any journey that was made, whether it was mine or hers. But it took that aforementioned click for her to see the first step in the direction that took her, that took us, to arrive where we are today.

So, what was your click?

What did you say, what did your partner say that helped to put this in a new light?

I would love to hear your comments.

Love, Hannah

The Pink Rule

Hi girls!

Thanksgiving week is always weird. For most of us it’s a short work week. Additionally most of us are also likely traveling or preparing a meal or dreading seeing certain family members. Whatever you are doing, or whatever you had to do, I hope it went by as well as it could!

In addition to all the normal holiday related activity, whether for family or work, I spent a lot of this week exchanging emails with ya’ll. And your significant others. Goodness that sounds questionable, doesn’t it? This was a busy week for some of you.

Most of the emails I get are from people who have questions about crossdressing plus marriage. Or emails from partners of crossdressers. Or people who are looking for guidance, support, and reassurance.

Some emails are partners who are venting their frustrations or pouring their hearts out. No matter how many emails like these I get they still move me. It’s also amazing how similar they usually are.

Not to generalize but most of the emails I get from partners of crossdressers are along the lines of:

  1. I don’t really understand why my husband wears lingerie but it makes him happy and I just roll with it
  2. ….but he keeps going behind my back and lying about this side of him. He tells me he doesn’t want to transition but it’s hard to believe him when I accidentally found his wig and he admitted he goes out en femme when I am not around

Please know this. Not every person who has a penis who wears “girl clothes” secretly wants to transition or is in denial about it. I have a penis and more stilettos than anyone I know and I have no desire to transition. They are more people like myself than one would think.

It’s very very difficult to explain who we are and why we are and what we want to someone else. WE get it. We know who we are. Helping someone else understand this side of us isn’t easy. My wife has seen my progression and journey over the last fifteen years and she will never REALLY understand who I am in the exact way I understand who I am, but she gets me.

It’s not unlike how I don’t understand how she can unwind after a very long day with a murder documentary but I get that this how she likes to relax. I don’t need to get it. I don’t need to relate. I just know that this is how she is wired.

We all know this side of us will cause varying levels of fear for our partners. We know that this side of us will cause tension and stress in our relationships.

And this isn’t fair to our partners. This is not something our partners ever guessed that they would live with.

When we commit to someone we make a promise to be honest and open to them. Doing anything less than this is, in my opinion, disrespecting them.

Lying about this side of us, refusing to answer questions about this side of us, getting defensive and angry about this side of us, gaslighting our partners makes our gender identity (which is already confusing and stressful to our partners) even more confusing and stressful.

Again, it’s usually not the crossdressing itself, it’s the behavior that our crossdressing can cause. What I mean it’s not wearing panties that is usually the issue, it’s LYING about wearing panties.

Bob Dylan once wrote “to live outside the law, you must be honest”. If we tweak that a little we could say “to live outside the gender norms, you must be honest”. I think that’s good guidance.

IF this side of you is more than panties, tell her.

IF you want to go out en femme, tell her.

IF you want or feel or think anything that is different than what you have said, tell her.

And yes, this is waaaaay easier said than done. I promise that I get it. I promise that it’s not this simple.

We are driving our partners to the brink of emotional breakdowns when we are constantly lying about this side of us. We tell them that this side of us is all about lingerie BUT then they learn that we have boxes and boxes or wigs and high heels. We tell our partners we don’t want to transition BUT our search history contradicts this. We tell our partners so many things to reassure them, to help them understand, to minimize their fears BUT our behavior, our actions, our secrets cause us to lose all credibility.

If I have any “golden rule” about crossdressing and relationships it’s that our partners WANT, and NEED, and DESERVE the truth. Oooh, maybe we should call it The Pink Rule?

And I know this side of us isn’t easy to talk about. To put into words. I know. I get it. I relate. Even after all this time I still feel a little silly and awkward when my wife teases me about how many dresses I own or the extensiveness of my lingerie drawer. Well, drawers. Well, entire dresser.

Please know that the extent of my conversations with my wife about my gender identity are not only about clothes. These days they are, but it took years of intimate and difficult and stressful and frightening talks about this side of me before she found peace with who I am.

Trust is fragile. It can take years to build on it but one small thing can destroy that trust and make it impossible to ever create it again.

“But it only happened once!” is something many people say. This can be about someone not being faithful in their marriage but this is often mentioned when it comes to this side of us.

What I mean is that I get emails from crossdressers who tell me that they have a supportive wife but one of the agreed upon boundaries is them not leaving the house. And guess what? They left the house. And were caught. All the love and support and patience their partner put into this is just… gone.

“But it only happened once!” they say.

Well, yes, but you blew it.

You may be forgiven for this adventure but your partner probably won’t forget. It’s not carrying a grudge, it’s not refusing to let something go… it happened and has fundamentally changed the situaion.

Years and years and years ago, I dated a girl who cheated on me with one of her exes. She was friends with him after the breakup and would still hang out. This was awkward for me but I did my best to not let my fear and insecurity get the best of me.

And then I found out she cheated on me.

“But it only happened once!” she said.

I forgave her, we moved on. But I never stopped being afraid it would happen again. Every time she hung out with him my mind drifted back to that time.

Our partners may have a similar reaction. The same fear. And they would be absolutely right and justified.

Listen. We feel guilt about this side of us when it comes to our relationships. Our partners sometimes feel guilt too. But it’s different.

“My husband promises this side of him is all about lingerie but I just feel he is not being honest and I feel guilty about not believing him”

“My husband wears dresses and I feel guilty for not being as accepting as he’d like me to be”

“I love my LGBTQ+ friends but I feel guilty about being uncomfortable when my husband dresses up”

For many of us, this side of us is the best thing ever. It’s sometimes the complete opposite for our partners. It’s like having a favorite restaurant that our significant others don’t care for but you still eat there every single day. This side of us might be fun and the perfect way to spend the day but it can cause so much stress and tension for our spouses.

To all my crossdresser and t-girl siblings out there, please be honest. Please tell the truth.

I encourage partners of crossdressers to look into counseling. Our partners need someone to talk to. This side of us is very, very lonely for them.

But I also encourage people like myself to do the same thing. I have been going to counseling for over ten years. Not because I am trying to find myself or understand myself or whatever, but getting help with communicating with my wife and getting someone else’s perspective has been enormously beneficial to my marriage and to my own peace.

Okay, I’m done lecturing. But please know many of our partners are more accepting that you might think, and more accepting that we dreamed, and more accepting that we deserve. It’s the lying about this side of us that becomes the problem.

Love, Hannah

P.S. I tend to speak in absolutes such as “tell the truth” and “be honest” and use words like “always” and “never”. I am aware that the truth may put someone in a very difficult or dangerous situation. I understand that not everything is black and white or pink or blue. Always make the decisions for yourself that you feel is the right choice… especially when it comes to personal safety.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

I get messages through my website and from time to time I see that the provided address to receive a reply is very likely fake. But I usually respond and in almost every instance my instinct was correct and the email is bounced back. It’s possible the address had a typo in it but my suspicion is that someone had something to say but didn’t want me to reply to them directly. Cowards.

Most messages like this are almost always snarky or rude. My guess is that they wanted to tell me something to trigger a certain emotion but not have to face any sort of confrontation. Again, cowards.

I think the reason for some of these messages are intended to… well, wound me. I suppose that’s a little dramatic. The internet can provide a way to say something, be it a compliment or an insult, that you might not have the courage or nerve to say in real life.

Instead of being able to reply to these emails, I will sometime respond to the question or address the inquiry here. Some of my postings are meant to, in a way, set the record straight about something. I know I shouldn’t “feed the trolls” but there are times when I feel defensive. I am often impulsive but I’ve recognized this over the years and have learned to (mostly) control this. Lately my boss has been an absolute jerk and sends incredibly nitpicky accusatory emails.

I don’t know, but I feel that there’s probably a more constructive, kinder way to manage, inspire, and lead people.

But this is a website that is mostly about femme presenting transgender people, not a place to air workplace grievances.

My point is that when I get a snarky email, either from my boss or in Hannah’s inbox I fire off a really bitchy response and then I go back and edit it to something waaaaaaaay less confrontational. And then I edit it again. And again. And again. I deescalate my reply to the point it almost comes off as objectively weak. It’s impossible to disagree with certain people and I’ve learned to pick my battles. I stand by the work I do and the actions I take in both sides of my life but I also know when it’s constructive or beneficial or pointless to present my perspective with certain people in the world.

One part of my life that I will always defend is my wife.

I received an anonymous message a while ago where the sender questioned how supportive my wife really is. It wasn’t someone looking for… clarification or had a genuine query it came off as more… competitive?

The sender told me alllll about how they and their wife would go shopping together, to the movies together, to dinner, together to, ah, the bedroom together…

It was all very smug. There’s a difference between “my wife is amazing. She goes out for coffee with me and helps me shop” and “I know my wife is supportive because she isn’t ashamed to go out with me. I guess it’s because I look like a “real” girl and she truly loves and accepts me”.

If someone has a supportive partner I am just as happy for them as they are. But you don’t ever need to throw shade at someone to make yourself feel better or to prove something or go out of your way to make someone feel bad.

It’s not a contest. None of *this* is.

The sender wondered how supportive my wife could be if she’s never gone shopping with Hannah. The sender wondered how supportive my wife could be if part of the reason I am not our to everyone in my life is out of respect for her.

Oh girl. This got my blood racing.

I think it’s natural for someone wanting to defend their partner and their choices so that part of me kicked in. My reply was… well, I am not sure how to describe it. But like an email to my boss I edited it, softened it, and reread and rewrote it several times. I hit “send” annnnnd it bounced back. All that effort for a junk email address.

Now I SUPPOSE I could have ignored it and not let it get to me, but again, it’s not unusual to want to defend your partner, their actions, their decisions, their character.

Listen.

This side of us is a LOT to ask of our partners. None of who we are is what our partners signed up for or expected.

Every gender non-conforming person is different.

Every relationship is different.

And of course it goes without saying that every relationship that involves a gender non-conforming person is different.

How two people express affection and love is different than another couple. People have different “love languages”. My wife and I express our love with very gentle teasing and doing small things for each other. Other couples show their emotions in different ways.

Our partners show their acceptance for this side of us in different ways as well.

True, my wife has never gone out with Hannah. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t accept her or doesn’t accept me. The truth is that neither one of us really like leaving the house at all, lol. Our ideal weekend is staying in and ordering food and reading or catching up on a show or taking care of our new home. The idea of going out, no matter my presentation, isn’t as appealing as it was ten years ago.

Unless I am running an errand, I am probably not doing much in the real world unless it’s Hannah enjoying a day out.

And if there are other reasons my wife isn’t hitting the town with Hannah then they are her own and do not invite anyone’s approval or opinion.

…and here they are.

Essentially if she or I were to be seen in public by someone she knows, then it will very likely open up THAT talk. The endless discussion of gender and identity and transgenderness.

The conversation that is exhausting to simply think about.

This side of me is my journey. And it’s also my wife’s journey. One that she never planned on taking.

And honestly? Neither of us have that energy to have that talk. We are both relatively private people and… letting someone into the uniqueness and nuances and intimacy and dynamics of who we are and who I am and who Hannah is is not something we want to do.

It’s like trying to explain a show that has gone on for ten seasons. It would take too long for you to be brought up to speed.

We’re content and at peace and happy.

And if you’re wondering, IF I wanted to transition (and I really don’t) then it’s likely our relationship would respond to that.

But since we’re both, well, settled into who I am, the “what-if’s” are not something we discuss and probably never will.

Support when it comes to this side of us adapts and changes, like any aspect in a relationship. When I came out to my wife as a crossdresser she didn’t understand. When I started wearing a wig and presenting en femme things shifted to fear and confusion. These days it’s “I love you and I love that this makes you happy and I don’t understand it and I hope you have fun and stay safe!”

And it’s perfect for us.

Years ago I wanted more than anything for us to go out together however she wasn’t comfortable. But I never saw her hesitation or reluctance as a lack of love or support.

Because I knew her.

Because she shows her love and support and acceptance in different ways.

She sends links to a hair removal device or other products that she thought I might want to try.

She compliments a specific picture I post.

She calls my outfit for the day cute or describes my heels as WHOA.

These are just examples into how I know how she feels. And it wouldn’t surprise me to hear how your partner supports and accepts you in different or even similar ways.

We bought a new house this past summer and she spent an afternoon looking for some new furniture. She sent over a photo of a cute dresser and asked “Would Hannah want this?”

And yes, Hannah did want that.

I love our new home but it lacks the closet space that our previous house had.

A few hours later the dresser appeared in our room and I spent a Saturday afternoon organizing my lingerie. It was wonderful. An entire drawer dedicated to my bras with their matching panties. A drawer for my camis and yes, their matching panties. Another drawer for basques and bodysuits.

I couldn’t help but think how fortunate I am. To be comfortable with who I am, to have all this beautiful lingerie. To have my wife.

My wife is genuine and sincere. She doesn’t say something unless she means it. She’s diplomatic and polite and gentle and direct in her relationships and because of this I have every reason to believe her when it comes to my gender identity.

Most of the emails I get discuss marriage and relationships. The majority are from other t-girls and crossdressers asking about how to make THIS work. I tell them that every relationship is different and that I don’t know their partner as well as they do and I can’t offer specific advice for them. All I can really do is encourage them to try to look at things from their partner’s perspective and to be honest.

And this isn’t easy to do when we are clouded by the fog.

It’s not uncommon for someone to share their experiences or what their relationship is like when it comes to their gender identity. Some of the common dynamics range from “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to going completely behind their partner’s back. Others have a partner that struts through the mall with them or enjoy a girls night in.

It’s normal for us to want more, though.

We committed to a person because we (presumably and hopefully) love and cherish them. We share a life with them and want to do things with them because they are our best friends. Going grocery shopping is boring but it’s (hopefully) a lot more fun with your partner.

Same thing with our gender identity. We want to do things en femme AND we want to do something we love, something that is important to us with the person we love more than anything in the world.

When it comes to this side of us, if we want more it might be for specific reasons.

I want to go out en femme with my wife because I think it will show that she isn’t embarrassed by me

I want my wife to do my makeup for me

I want to come out to my family but my wife isn’t ready for that

I want to be “the girl” in bed

And yes, I get it. I can relate to many of the things we want or think we want.

Sometimes I am given a glimpse into the dynamics between themselves and their partners when it comes to this side of them.

My wife and I go out as girls but she is only comfortable with me en femme at LGBTQ+ nightclubs

My wife buys me lingerie but doesn’t like it when I wear panties during sex

My wife lets me go out of the house but has requested I not frequent certain parts of town to avoid running into people we know

I mean… these all sound wonderful, to be honest. How many t-girls and crossdressers would absolutely die to have a wife that buys them panties?

Sometimes I’m told these things (and other examples) and it’s followed up by I WANT MORE.

I want to go to church en femme, not just gay bars

I want to wear lingerie when we have sex

I want to go to a mall that my wife said is “off-limits”

Again, I get wanting more. And again, this side of us is a lot to ask. It’s normal to want more. Sometimes what we have is never enough. That’s the fog clouding our heart and mind. And our perspective.

The key to life is loving and appreciating what you have. I mean, yes, there are aspects of our lives that could be better. It would be nice to have a boss that is not completely unhinged and to find a foundation shade that will never be discontinued but, well, life is going to happen.

If you have a wife that buys you dresses or helps you shop or picks up your lipstick for you… well, you have more than most of us could even dare to dream.

Yes, you might want more but appreciate what you have. Acknowledge the stress and feelings and fear and loneliness that this side of us may cause in your partner.

Our partners sacrifice a lot when it comes to this side of us. How many of our wives have stayed up all night stressed or worried about this side of us? How many of our wives have had to share the burden of our secret from others?

I know these things about my wife. And honestly I don’t feel I could ever be a good enough partner to show my appreciation for her.

I try to minimize the inconveniences this side of me creates. I plan my adventures or MN T-Girl events with my wife’s schedule in mind. It’s not much but it’s… something. It’s probably not enough. I feel so grateful for the life I have and my wife helps make… HER happen. Whether it’s shared closet space or teaching me about makeup or encouraging me to start the MN T-Girls and just being patient and firm and trying to understand me and who I am… I don’t know if I could ever be worth it enough.

Getting emails from partners of others like us are pretty frequent. One thing I’m asked, and this breaks my heart a little, is why what they do isn’t, well, enough? Our partners struggle to understand us as much as we can be understood and try to accommodate us to the extent of their comfort level. Not all of us have supportive and/or accepting spouses but there are many partners out there who are doing what they can, what they feel comfortable with, for our femme side.

But again, sometimes we want more.

I let my husband wear panties but he gets angry when I ask him not to wear lingerie when we are intimate

I accept my husband’s feminine side… but SHE is always around. I miss my husband

My husband keeps coming out to friends and family without talking with me first

These are examples of partners who have a level of acceptance but (in my opinion), reasonable boundaries. Boundaries that perhaps at one point their spouses were more than happy to respect. But as time passed… they wanted more.

Which is normal. I get it. I can relate.

But there’s a difference between accepting our partner saying “I’m not ready for that” and, well, us being a bitch when we don’t get what we want. Being passive-aggressive when we are not given permission or the blessing to… go to a different level is really not mature. This side of us has the potential to drive a wedge between us and our partners and when this side of us makes a stressful situation even more so? That’s even more stressful. It’s an example of how crossdressing ITSELF isn’t the problem, it’s the problem that behavior when it comes to crossdressing CREATES. Being bitchy, going behind our partner’s back, overstepping agreed upon boundaries… this causes problems.

This can lead to a good thing, maybe not an ideal thing in our mind, but a good thing turning bad.

I get many emails about asking how to make crossdressing and a relationship work. The short answer is that I worked a LOT on my partnership with my wife. I tried very hard to see EVERYTHING from her point of view, I listened to her the first time she said something, and I stopped (although it took longer than it should have) making THIS the center of everything I did and everything I talked about. I stopped making crossdressing more important than her.

Of course, this is easier said than done. We need a way to express ourselves AND we need to share who we are and what we’re feeling and thinking with our partners. BUT we can do this without overwhelming our partners. Sometimes I want to talk and talk and talk about gender so I turn to blogging. Sometimes I want to go shopping en femme so I hit the mall with another t-girl. Making friends with girls like us is very helpful.

I’ve used this comparison in the past but I have a friend who loves football. Like, LOVES football. Lives, eats, breathes, sleeps football. AND it’s alllllllll he talks about. His wife also loves football but not to the extent of him. For her, going to a game off and on is fine but he is down at the stadium every Sunday tailgating. Then he goes to the game. Then he goes home and watches other games. Then he talks about the game.

He’s a nice guy but not really good at picking up on someone’s vibe, you know?

Instead of driving his wife up the wall with endless and constant talk about football he turned to other ways to share his enthusiasm. He has a lot of other football friends. He made friends to tailgate with. He has directed his love and excitement for something towards others who share his passion. HIs wife is always invited to come along and sometimes she does, but the point is that their entire relationship doesn’t revolve around a sport.

We can learn from them.

Heck, I learned from him. Not every conversation with my wife didn’t have to be about clothes and makeup.

But again, much, much easier said than done.

No one gets exactly what they want in life. Even a dream job has it’s negative aspects, a beautiful dress just might be a LITTLE too snug in some parts, and the dynamic with our partner might not be exactly what we want.

But like a lot of things, we might have it better than we realize. It’s at this moment we need to appreciate what we have and remember that what we have is what someone else would die for.

Listen.

This post is to encourage you to look at your relationship objectively when it comes to this side of you. I get that all of us might want more, but is it possible what you have, the support from your partner is actually… well, more than you thought you would ever have?

Mine is.

A decade ago I wanted nothing more than stepping out with her. It’s what I once wanted. What we have is different than what I thought I wanted, but like the song says, sometimes you get what you need.

Love, Hannah

Announcing the Hannah!

This side of us has dreams and desires that are wildly different than what many people in our male lives (if we have one) would ever guess.

I mean, I can’t imagine my coworkers would ever even begin to speculate that one of my life goals is to be a bridesmaid.

A while ago I realized I had a dream of, well… I mean, it sounds kind of silly but I think many of you will understand.

HommeMystere makes beautiful lingerie for girls like us. I have quite a few of their bras and panties in my wardrobe and I love wearing their matching camisole and panty sets or teddies to bed. It’s not uncommon for their designers to create a cute set with a name, such as Charlotte or Juliette.

I’m sure you can see where this going.

I thought it would be amazing to have a bra and panty set named after me.

A few months ago I received an email from HommeMystere and like magic, my dream was real.

They sent a beautiful tartan bra and panty (and a flirty little skirt) and like everything else they design, it fit perfectly. Modeling it at a recent photo shoot was an unreal experience.

I am thrilled to show you this beautiful set. I hope you like the pictures and I hope you like the lingerie.

The Hannah will be available in early 2023!


Love, Hannah

Set Your Phasers to Stun…

…because yesterday’s MN T-Girl photo shoot will leave you speechless!

I recently wrote how the professional photo shoot we do each year is one of my favorite events because it’s a peek inside someone’s soul… and their closet. Yesterday absolutely proved that as the girls were princesses and beauty queens. It was wonderful.

Five t-girls spent a few hours getting glammed up and dolled up and wearing absolutely amazing dresses and outfits. It was inspiring and a little humbling to see so many beautiful t-girls.

I can’t wait to see what the photos look like and I’ll post them as soon as I can for you. In the meantime, here is a little peek at the fun we had.

Love, Hannah

Unwrapping

It’s my birthday!

And what do we do on birthdays (besides reflecting on another year passed or dreading what is to come or having an existential crisis)? Well, if you’re lucky you can unwrap a present!

In celebration of my birthday I would like to post the last set of pictures from my most recent photo shoot. And yes! They are lingerie shots to go along with the unwrapping metaphor.

Unwrapping? Undressing? Let’s just go with it.

And yes! Not very introspective but I’m working on a lot of thoughtful entries at the moment so I am giving my brain a little break from serious thinking and just indulging in my love for pretty lingerie.

Love, Hannah

Overdressed and Overthinking

Okay girls, three outfits left to show you from my most recent photo shoot.

Of the the several that remain, this little number is the… hm, most modest of them but when you see the last two, that’s not saying much.

Whenever I have a shoot I choose a dress to wear to the studio. This dress is the one I will wear to my makeover appointment, getting coffee, or doing a little shopping if I have time. It’s not uncommon to have sexy outfits picked out for the shoot itself, like leather or something more revealing. Sometimes I’ll have an evening gown.

What I mean is that not every outfit I’ve selected is not really appropriate for running errands before the photo shoot.

So, I have to make sure I have a dress picked out for a little running around before the shoot. I don’t try to blend in, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will try to stand out. I will, by default, stand out.

To clarify, I will stand out because I am a Very Tall Transgirl. Not because I am OMG I AM SO GORGEOUS LIKE WHY WOULDN’T I STAND OUT.

When I am just popping into a few stories I want to make wear something that is appropriate. I am, more than likely overdressed but being overdressed isn’t the same thing as wearing something that is out of place.

After all, Oscar Wilde said you can never be overdressed or overeducated.

Likewise, if I am going out after the shoot, I need to make sure I have an outfit that is appropriate for whatever I am up to next. If I am not going out, then I just drive home (and praying I don’t get pulled over) in whatever leather dress or evening gown that I wore as the final outfit for the shoot.

This recent photo shoot had it’s share of cute dresses but only two would work for errands before the shoot and for meeting the T-Girls after the shoot. I chose a red dress and sparkly heels for after, and below is the dress I wore for running around before I had to be at the studio.

It wasn’t a hard decision. It was kind of by default. My other choices was a tight leather dress, a very pink dress which would look a little out of place at a coffee shop, and a dress that would work but the heels I wanted to pair with it tend to hurt after a little bit and weren’t a good fit for shopping.

This dress is cute and I like it a lot, but what prompted me to buy it was that it was perfect for a pair of heels that I own that I don’t wear as much as I would like.

My only reservation about this outfit is that it MIGHT be a LITTLE too matchy-matchy. I mean, both the dress and heels are black AND white so it may be a little too much. Adding a pink belt might have brought a needed pop of color to this outfit.

But life is short. Wear what you want. Wherever you want.

Love, Hannah