So. Many. Wardrobe. Changes

Last weekend Shannonlee and I filmed the next videos for En Femme‘s Help Me Hannah series. Each video was more or less about my fave topic: clothes. So, each video required outfit changes that went with whatever I was rambling on and on about.

I tend to exaggerate but if I did my math correctly (and there’s a good chance I didn’t), I wore ten different outfits in about three hours.

As I quickly changed from a bodycon dress to a skirt or into leggings, I couldn’t help but think back to when I was younger and I learned how to change quickly out of girl clothes whenever I heard the garage door open signifying my mom returning from work.

We didn’t have time to do photos properly as we were busy filming and re-filming whenever I forgot to turn my microphone back on. We did manage to find a couple of moments to do some quick pictures with my phone, though.

It was a shame we didn’t have more time as the studio was incredible. I loved the space and I absolutely plan on going back for a proper shoot.

Here’s a few of the outfits I wore and I hope you like them!

Love, Hannah

Help Me, Hannah!, Episode Two!


The second episode of “Help Me, Hannah!” was posted yesterday!

Hannah McKnight on our YouTube channel! Hannah’s new series Help Me, Hannah! just launched and she’ll be a regular on our channel spreading joy, help and wisdom as she always does. Watch the second episode and subscribe to our channel! Watch Now>>

This is a webseries that I am doing with En Femme. You can see the first episode here.

This was shot on the same day as the first video so the issues wrought by the uncooperative microphone are still there. We will be shooting the next three videos later this month and we will have the sound stuff resolved by then.

Personally I think this video is a little better than the first and I think you can see that I am a little more comfortable compared to the previous one. I expect my nerves to continue to calm down as we keep making them.

If you have a suggestion for “Help Me, Hannah!” please let En Femme know!

Love, Hannah

Across the Third Dimension

After I finish writing anything I reread it before I post it to see if, well, if it makes sense. Sometimes I go back and rewrite something for clarity or whatever. Sometimes I realize I come off in a different way than I intended. This post talks a lot about internet fame and the like.

If there’s anything I want to avoid it’s being misunderstood. Which isn’t an easy or attainable goal. I don’t want to appear arrogant or ungrateful in any of my writings.

I’ve been blogging and… everything else I do for a while. When you do something for a while it’s not unusual for other people to notice. A photo gets retweeted, a blog article gets reposted on someone else’s blog, and things just grow from there.

Years and years of this have resulted in me being a little well-known in our beautiful gender non-conforming world. On one hand I’m grateful for people who spend a few minutes of their day reading something I wrote and I am truly touched by someone who takes the time to email me.

On the other hand, it feels a little strange to look back over the years and wondering if anyone would identify with the rambling thoughts I posted. It is also somewhat… I don’t even know the right word, when someone thinks of me as famous. Please know that I don’t feel that way about myself.

But I am aware that after years of blogging and everything else I have been fortunate and blessed to have others connect with my feelings and perspectives. Other people relating to what I think about encourages me to, well, keep going.

I guess this italicized text is my… clarification disclaimer. I might come off as “I AM SUPER FAMOUS LOL” in this but please know I don’t feel that way. This post is an honest reflection of what it’s like to have nontertiary doing something that I love, and doing something that I would still be doing even if no one noticed. This is me dancing as if no one is watching, I suppose.

Meeting someone in the real world is a little odd.

For example, I’ve been friends with Sybil for a few years. Within a few moments of a meeting her I learned so much about her. The sound of her voice, her energy, her sincerity… her whole VIBE, you know? Things that are next to impossible to experience through photos and emails.

Unless you are visiting my website for the first time, I probably don’t need to tell you that I post a lot of pictures. I also don’t need to point out that I only post what I feel are the best photos. Pictures that are at an angle or perspective that I think is less than flattering never see the light of the internet. I post pictures that minimize what I feel are my more masculine features. If my head is tilted in a certain way and my jawline is more prominent than what I would like, the picture is condemned into a folder on my desktop never to be opened again.

Sometimes I feel this is a little, well, dishonest? My pictures are not retouched in the sense that Shannonlee tweaks or edits my shoulders or what have you. She might remove a strand of hair or adjust the lighting but otherwise my pictures are of me. The feeling of dishonesty is probably a little misplaced but my thinking is that my body, my face, is a lot more… masculine in reality than a picture suggests.

And for the purpose of this post, “masculine” is meant to be the opposite, the anthesis of feminine.

A picture might show long, shapely legs with a cute strappy stiletto… but pan up a little and bam! Huge, broad, masculine shoulders.

It’s a contrast that I don’t always like.

And I do feel the need to point out that “masculine” and “feminine” are arbitrary at best and there are no rules or standards one must meet to be a boy or girl, but for the purpose of this post, I think you know what I mean.

What I choose to post allows me to have a little… control, so to speak, of what others might think of me. If I only post my most femme pictures, then it’s likely people will think of me as more physically femme than I really am. I mean, yes, I myself know that I have a zillion pictures banished to a file on my laptop that, well, look like me in male mode wearing a wig but if I only post certain pictures than highlight what I feel are feminine features then this shapes what others might think of me.

Does that make sense? I hope so because I am moving on.

All of this control, if you will, goes out the window when I meet people in real life. If I exchange emails for a few weeks (or longer) with someone who is joining the MN T-Girls they only know what I look like based on the pictures I choose to post. When I meet them in real life they see me in a new light. My broad shoulders, my square-ish jaw, my giant hands…

These masculine features which were de-emphasized or discarded or, well, hidden, in posted pictures are now on full display.

Yep, here’s the “real” Hannah McKnight.

In all her feminine flaws.

Despite what this post has suggested so far, I really don’t get tooooo hung up on this, however. In some ways I hope that other t-girls see that many of us have the same features as each other. That passing isn’t real. That we don’t have to be a certain height to present as femme. I mean, other t-girls remind ME of this. Other t-girls inspire me all the time to stop being concerned about how tall I am or whatever.

Anyway, pictures are one thing. Video is another.

Videos capture movement, voice, body language, facial expressions, and essentially one’s physical appearance.

These things are the reasons I’ve resisted video.

Obviously I got over it.

But after seeing the first “Help Me, Hannah!” video I was reminded why I resisted doing video.

Not that I have regrets. Please don’t misunderstand me.

What I mean is that for years my pictures and my writings represented me. They, well, spoke for me. I knew that a ten second video would reshape how people would think of me. Despite years of blogging and pictures, all impressions and thoughts about me could essentially replaced by a short video clip.

Put in a different way.

For years I admired a writer for their books and novels. Loved them. Read every word they wrote, every book they published. And then a few years ago I happened across a video of them being interviewed. They came off as whiny and entitled and cringy. All of a sudden my perspective of them changed. Decades of enjoying their work was put into doubt. Yes they wrote wonderful books but my God the person behind the words was very different than what I had anticipated. I couldn’t reread one of their novels without hearing them complain in that interview how poorly it sold and how he blamed the reception of it on readers not understanding it.

Of course, there is the discussion of art v artist but I don’t want to talk about that right now.

I suppose my point is that a video can quickly, for good or for bad or, well, for neither, can instantly replace someone’s perception of that person.

I try to convey femme presentation. I try to convey poise and well thought out perspectives and such. But I know that all of that will go out the window when I meet someone and they see the real Hannah. The fidgety, the over-sharing, the restless, the twitchy, the distracted Hannah.

It’s no unlike a certain musician that I really like. Wonderful voice, wonderful music, confident performances. But when interviewed they stutter, they stammer, they get flustered. And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. Obviously they are more comfortable performing and letting their work and their art represent them.

I really don’t know what people think of me when they meet me. And I really don’t want to. I might disappoint them, I suppose. Since I try to present myself on my website as confident, as femme, I worry anything less than that will not live up to someone’s expectations, if that makes sense.

Not that I think I am a perfect princess or a celebrity. Please understand that.

If it helps I have the same misgivings in my male life, too.

But I imagine that when others meet me they likely think that I am a little aloof, a little quiet, a little arrogant, a little… who knows what.

Thankfully people are generally too polite to let me know what they think of me to my face.

The internet is a different story.

If I post a picture it’s fair game. I’ve seen horrible and nasty comments which are humbling and upsetting and can really get to me. These comments are a reminder why I only post what I feel are my best pictures.

Again, there’s that element of control.

But video?

A video has voice. A video isn’t always going to limit showing me in what I feel is my best angle. A video shows movement and if that movement isn’t as femme as I would like it to be then I cringe a little. My face might look femme, but if I turn my head then that appearance changes. My head looks a lot more masculine in profile.

Essentially it’s as close as to seeing me in real life as can be. I am, in a way, a little more three-dimensional compared to just a picture of myself.

I saw a preview of the first “Help Me, Hannah!” video shortly before it went live. Annnnd I immediately noticed a few things.

Some of these things were what many viewers pointed out, such as the sound (we’re fixing that) and my constant hand movement. My hands were all over the place because I was nervous and jumpy as a cat. But I tend to gesture with my hands when I am en femme. Hannah is more animated than he is, I guess. Some said my hands were distracting, some said they helped my femme presentation as many women tend to speak and gesture with their hands and voice.

What I noticed is when I tilt my head up my head looked more squarish. My wig tends to frame my face in a more femme way and minimizes some of masculine features. My adam’s apple and jawline are more prominent as well.

I also noticed my biceps. There’s nothing wrong and nothing un-feminine about a nicely toned arm but I suppose I wasn’t used to seeing how… defined my upper arms are when I am en femme.

I also ramble a bit which was something I was prepared for. When I write for my website I can take as much time as I like (for example, I started writing this post two days ago) to get my point across (if I have a point). I can even edit a post for clarification after it goes live. Since I am not working with a teleprompter I am freewheeling a bit. Rambling, ums, ahs, are a given. I am likely not coming off as poised and as thought out as my writings might suggest.

And then there’s my shoulders…

The list goes on.

I do think that my overall femme presentation is good. I’m happy with how I look. How I carry myself and my body language and, well, my clothes and makeup, I feel helps me, ah, overcome my more masculine characteristics and attributes.

I think many of us are used to putting ourselves under the microscope, so to speak. We scrutinize small things, we beam when we look better than we expected to. If we take that step to post a picture we open ourselves up to what others might think of us. For good or for ill.

These videos are doing that but in different ways. People might (and have) commented on my voice, my movement, my body language, and so on. Things that a simple photo doesn’t have. These videos also have a wider reach than my website. Since En Femme is promoting and marketing these videos they are doing their thing to show them to a wider audience. They have a financial interest in getting these videos to people.

Which, of course, opens oneself up to a larger audience and any anonymous comments they might decide to make. Again, for good or for ill.

If I am being honest I am terrified of looking at the comments on YouTube. Tweets, emails, and comments on my own website have all been, for the most part, very nice and positive. But some rando watching these videos are likely a different story. I read the first dozen or so comments when the video first went up and they were all very nice and I decided that was enough. I didn’t want to stumble across a comment that was just flat out mean. I can take constructive criticism, I really can, but I think someone saying something just cruel would, well, I can’t really think of a reason I need to see that.

Besides, the video is there, it exists, it can’t be changed, it is what it is. I don’t own it, I can’t take it down. Overall I’m happy with it and I learned a lot.

And En Femme is happy with it too. That’s really important to me. I am representing their brand, their company. I want them to be happy. It’s an enormous honor and responsibility to be associated with them. I had a meeting with them a few days after the video was posted and the views and statistics and the like were very much inline with what they had hoped for.

Last night I wondered if this is what I want. For the last decade or so I’ve more or less controlled any notoriety I had. I watched web traffic slowly grow, I branched out into some social media, did some modeling… Although I was more “out there” it was all very much in my control. I could pull back on social media, I could quit blogging. If I ever got overwhelmed by my “celebrity status” I knew I could, well, disappear. That was comforting, if I am being honest. I could pull the plug, I could walk away.

I’ve decided to, well, ignore anything that scares me when it comes to these video statistics. If En Femme is happy and if you like them, that’s enough for me.

Love, Hannah

The World Premier of Help Me, Hannah!

Oh my goodness that sounds grandiose and arrogant.

But here it is, the first episode of a new webseries I am doing with En Femme!

Hannah McKnight on our YouTube channel! Hannah’s new series Help Me, Hannah! just launched and she’ll be a regular on our channel spreading joy, help and wisdom as she always does. Watch the first episode and subscribe to our channel!

I was terrified of how this would turn out and besides the trouble we had with the microphone and the resulting sound I think this turned out pretty well!

I hope you like it and I look forward to hearing what you think as well as suggestions for future topics!

Love, Hannah

Fridays and Feminine Flaws

I don’t want anyone to think I am a professional model. And I don’t want anyone to think that I myself think that I am a professional model. I’m not and I don’t.

Annnd I don’t want to be.

Well, maybe I do… but only when I am stuck in a meeting or staring at a spreadsheet for hours and hours. Daydreams aside, it’s not something that I think is remotely possible and it’s not something I am even pursuing. Over the last few years I have, more or less, forged a path in my femme life of, well, doing what I want.

Which sounds incredibly arrogant but I don’t mean it to be. I have said no to plenty of opportunities that I felt contradicted my whole “thing” if you will. I’ve turned down partnerships with some brands that I didn’t think were for me.

I have a small belief that once you make a decision and you are truly committed to it AND you work hard towards making it happen, the universe, more or less, gets out of your way. There are always barriers that will impede our goals but that’s when you continue to work hard and you recommit (again and again) to somehow making it work.

I mean, things don’t always work out but it’s Friday and with Fridays there is always that built-in optimism so let’s focus on when things do work out.

When the MN T-Girls had our first of what became our annual professional photo shoot, it opened up a friendship with Shannonlee, our photographer. Since then she and I have had dozens of shoots over the last five and a half years. We have done shoots in various places around the Twin Cities and in a variety of studios. It’s been so much fun. Most of that fun comes from working with Shannonlee. I like collaborating with creative and talented people.

These professional photos built up my confidence and that confidence led to… ah, hubris, which led to me contacting various designers who created clothes for girls like us. I started doing reviews and modeling which brought me to partnering with En Femme.

These reviews and modeling have consisted of everything from lingerie to leggings to dresses to stilettos to pants to jewelry. The photos have been included in advertisements, websites, and email marketing campaigns. It’s fun to see a photo used in this way but I also feel strangely detached when I do. It’s like, oh, there I am.

This type of exposure has led me to becoming, in a way, a public figure in our little community. My website had more traffic, my Twitter followers grew… that kind of stuff. More people became aware of me and more people started to comment on photos or send emails.

Some comments and messages are a little explicit and some are sweet and some overstep a boundary. Some hyper focus on something in a picture, like the guys who really like when I am carrying my purse in a picture for some reason.

Through all of this attention to, well, my body, I have learned to just roll with it.

And again, all of this all sounds incredibly arrogant. I don’t have the greatest body in the world and I don’t think I do. I don’t think I am Cindy Crawford or Heidi Phox.

As I mentioned before I am a little disconnected when I see a photo of myself on a platform other than my own website or my own social media. If these instances, my picture is likely being used to advertise or market something. Which is fine. I mean, that’s what the photo was meant to be used for. It is flattering, though. It’s fun. It’s affirming.

As I get older and as I continue to model clothes I have started to become a little… hm, detached (there’s that word again) from my body, even in real life. It’s like, yep, that’s my thigh. That’s my tummy. That’s my, ah, feminine flaw in that panty.

We are all just skin and blood and bones and muscles.

The final straw, I suppose, was starting to model lingerie. It was a humbling and weird experience. I felt exposed and arrogant and shy and silly. When I saw the photos I didn’t look at them so much as thinking I looked amazing, it was more like, yes, that is me. That is my body with all it’s flaws and power. It was like… being at peace with it.

What I mean by power is that I am blessed to have my body. I can walk and run and use my hands. I am able-bodied and I am fortunate. I am getting older each day but I will never be as young as I am now.

Lately I feel that, ah, enriching my soul and taking care of my body and mind and heart and my relationships have become more important than ever. I am becoming less self-conscious of my body and how it may or may not help me looking feminine. It’s like, yes, those are my broad shoulders and giant hands… pretty masculine, right? And then not caring at all.

After my first lingerie shoot I decided it would be my last. But then a few months went by and it was like, screw it, let’s do it again. These days standing around in a corset and stockings in a studio while Shannonlee sets up the next shot is pretty normal. I don’t feel sexy or shy or anything. It’s just skin, right? Who cares.

It’s this spirit that leads to empowerment. Becoming detached, whether intentionally or naturally, to one’s physical body is, well, freeing. I have become less interested in beauty standards and gender norms. Less interested in passing, less interested in minimizing or hiding characteristics and physical features that are less than traditionally feminine.

Of course, this doesn’t mean nude or sexually explicit photos. I do have SOME modesty. I do think some mystery is sexier than a full reveal.

As Shannonlee and I create videos for ‘Help Me Hannah’ we do multiple takes and send them off to see what the editor chooses to use. We did some lingerie segments at the first video shoot and we shot more material than what will be used. This is an outtake that will not be used but wanted to show you what these videos may look like. Of course, this is before any sort of editing/sound enhancement/magic is utilized so please don’t be toooo critical of the quality of the clip itself.

Here I am, in all my feminine flaws and awkwardness.

The quality of the video itself is a little raw. Of course, these videos will have editing and… ah, all that magic once they are posted on En Femme’s site.

Love, Hannah

Hello, I’m Hannah McKnight

How many times on this website have I written the words “life is about_______”. Life is about a LOT of things so I suppose it’s not surprising that I use (and overuse) this phrase a lot.

Anyway, part of being ALIVE is knowing that you’ll probably be humbled at different points of your life in a few different ways. It is not always a bad thing to be taken down a peg or two. Speaking for myself I know I definitely need this to happen on occasion.

And although when this occurs I tend to get defensive or bitchy and it brings out the worst in me, I am usually and reluctantly in agreement of being reminded that I although I might excel at something on occasion that I am not flawless.

A few years ago in therapy I worked on the extreme swings of feeling like I was queen (or king) of the world and feeling like I was the worst person alive. These feelings were prevalent in all aspects of my life/lives… whether it was my femme world or my career or hobbies or relationship.

Therapy, perspective, medication, and time helped modulate this. And I am thankful for this. Keeping my ego in check is healthy AND being able to bounce back from a bad day or a disappointment has helped me with everything.

Sometimes a reality check can stem from being humbled. Falling flat on one’s face (whether metaphorically or otherwise) can be humiliating but sometimes it pushes your ego down a few notches.

Of course, sometimes a fall is just a fall and not a life lesson but sometimes you’re reminded that God or life has a sense of humor.

How many times have I strut through a mall thinking I was The Most Beautiful Girl in the World only to catch my reflection and see HIM staring back at me? How many times have I prided myself on my skill in stilettos only to trip?

On my best days I laugh and tell my ego to calm down a little when these things happen.

You can’t live a life without mistakes. The more you do, the more new things you attempt, the more often you go out of your comfort zone the more likely you will stumble. It happens. It is inevitable. They could be big mistakes or a zillion small ones, but try not to expect flawless results when you do anything… whether it’s something new or something you’ve done countless times.

Every person reading this knows the challenges with this side of us. How many times have we thrown down a makeup brush in frustration when we just couldn’t blend our foundation the right way? How many stockings have we run? How many times have we screamed because our eyeshadow and eyeliner is perfection on one eye but a complete disaster with the other?

Oh I could go on.

The only way to avoid these moments is to never pick up makeup or pretty clothes. Ever. No matter how much time passes I know I will struggle with some aspect of my transformation. I might have a day where I just can’t hook my bra for some reason or I run three stockings or my hand shakes when I apply my lipstick.

We’re going to have off days. And we’re going to have days when we soar.

I have to remind myself of all of this whenever I do ANYTHING… whether it’s something new or something I’ve done every day for years… or something that I do en femme that I can do blindfolded or without a second thought in boy mode.

Case in point:

I work in education and I’ve been put on the spot in meetings or whatever countless times to chat about something. I’ve been asked at the last minute to take over someone’s presentation at my college’s orientation or what have you. And sure, easy. I am somewhat comfortable with public speaking and I’ve done it pretty often.

But it’s a new world with Hannah.

With my website I can write and rewrite and replace words or edit something, even after it’s posted. In the real world Hannah’s interactions are either small talk with a cashier or chit-chat with a friend. Easy-peasy.

I knew doing videos wasn’t going to be like that. And it terrified me. I knew it would be humbling. A photo doesn’t show my movement, you can’t hear my voice, or how quickly I speak. I would need to be spontaneous and relaxed (which are not words ANYONE I know would use to describe me).

I was, and am, terrified I will disappoint or underwhelm En Femme, to be honest. I am excited for this new project in our partnership but I don’t want to let them down. These videos rely on the technology cooperating and my performance, I suppose. Everything needs to work, everything needs to click.

Thank God Shannonlee is there. Doing anything with a professional takes the pressure off. Doing anything with a friend keeps it fun.

Life is about (see? Here’s that phrase again) bouncing back from an error and being able to laugh at yourself. When I do stumble in heels I get embarrassed but I do think it’s a little funny and my ego goes back to normal.

I think it’s good for me to humble myself, to be honest. To put my feelings and thoughts out there that remind me that I am not perfect. Not that I think I am perfect, mind you. But I think it’s important to remind myself that I am human and I’m going to make a lot of mistakes. It’s okay to post a photo if I really like it, BUT it’s also okay to post something that is flawed or a disaster. I suppose it’s not unlike a peek behind the curtain of the creative process.

It’s not a bad thing (for me, anyway) to intentionally humble myself. Sometimes to prove a point I will post a picture that I feel is, well, not my best. Maybe it helps other? I get very nice emails saying very nice things about my picture or my presentation but I also have hundreds of photos on my laptop that are…horrendous. We all start somewhere and my early photos are examples of that. I am not a beauty queen and my presentation didn’t just happen… it took years. Time, patience, and money, remember?

When Shannonlee and I started filming last week I had no idea how these videos would turn out. Annnd I didn’t want to, lol. Sometimes creation is ugly. Sometimes you feel creating something decent is impossible when you are up to your neck in the process. During the shoot I would look at a clip that we shot and it was… well, humbling. Part of me wanted to scrap everything and rethink and redo it all. Part of me wanted to quit.

But we soldiered on.

Yesterday I uploaded most of what we shot and with a wish and a prayer I hoped that En Femme would be happy with what they have to work with. But honestly? If we do need to reshoot I am happy to do so. Shannonlee learned a ton from this shoot and I honestly think the next videos will be better. I am more excited than ever now that the first session is out of the way.

As I said, I need to intentionally put myself in situations where I know it’s not my best work OR I’m opening the door to criticism. So! Here’s a short clip of what we shot that day. I don’t think this will be used in the final video but it’s very much behind the scenes and one of the first things we filmed that day.

So that’s my voice and my constant fidgeting.

What do you think?

Love, Hannah

Video Killed the Blogging Star

So… this weekend Shannonlee and I shot our first two videos for the En Femme series called “Help Me Hannah”.

Anyway, do you ever stand in male mode in front of the mirror, with your makeup spread out all over the counter and your outfit for the day hanging up behind you? And you start to wonder how this is going to go? What is this going to look like?

Goodness I know that feeling. I have that feeling every time I am at the precipice between BOY and GIRL. My middle aged male self is staring back at me, almost taunting me. How are you going to turn THIS into HER?

Like going on a quest, you have to get help from others and you need to prepare. Frodo didn’t go alone, after all.

My armor is a corset and a dress. My companions are my makeup artist and photographer. With their help I can rid my mirror of masculinity.

…where was I going with this?

Everything new we do in life, especially en femme, is an adventure outside of our comfort zone. Much of the hesitation we have when we do this is unknowing what will happen or how things will turn out. We fear the unknown, we fear failure.

I am very glad I have taken the chances I have. Whether it was taking the chance of when I started the MN T-Girls or contacted various designers for modeling opportunities or booking a professional photo shoot. All of these chances led to amazing moments that have enhanced my life. Even going out of the house en femme was, and still is, a huge step.

But they all have been with a huge amount of hesitation, fear, and trepidation… all rooted in not knowing how things will turn out.

This past weekend was very much like that. When Shannonlee and I arrived at the studio to shoot the videos we were both about to embark on something new. Between the open suitcase filled with clothes and various audio recording gear spread out on a counter it was a little overwhelming and intimidating.

Doing something new is always easier with a friend and I’m glad that these new projects are another opportunity to work with her. Her honesty and feedback and friendship, along with her photographer’s eye is a blessing.

With the ring light charged and the microphone snapped onto her camera, we bit the bullet and dived in.

We recorded, re-recorded, started over, started again. We laughed, I tripped over my words, I babbled, I went off-script, tried again, and again and again.

I wanted to, more or less, adapt my writings into video presentation. But my fear was, and is, not knowing how if I could do it. You know, the fear of not knowing how something will turn out. I tend to be a very careful writer (but I still make spelling errors and grammatical mistakes). I write, I edit, I rewrite, I start over. When I speak, I try to speak slowly as I am trying to choose my words carefully so I can avoid not being misunderstood. I am not always very spontaneous and it’s sometimes hard to know where I am going when I start talking.

I had an outline of what I wanted to say and the points I wanted to make. I didn’t want to come off as if I was reading cue cards or anything like that. I wanted to appear genuine and sincere. I wasn’t trying for perfection, I expected a few ums and ahs and that’s okay.

I am not sure how many minutes of video we shot. I have no idea how the editor will work her magic with what we filmed. But I’ve also wondered how my makeup artist will work with what I bring her and I’ve also wondered how Shannonlee will be able to get a decent photo of me.

Working with professionals is amazing. I love seeing talented people take something and turn it into something beautiful and amazing. It’s like watching a chef turn a pile of ingredients into a delicious meal or an artist taking paint to a canvas.

I was more relaxed than I thought I would be but I am still wrought with anxiety. What if the microphone didn’t work as well as it should have? What if every minute we filmed is unusable? What if I spoke too quickly?

I am trying not to overthink. This is a learning process.

One of the unknowns about all of this was whether or not I would enjoy doing these things. And I did! More than I thought I would. I learned what went well and what didn’t and I have ideas for the next one.

I’ve no idea when the videos will be posted but I promise I’ll be sure to tell you. Just be gentle with your feedback. 🙂

Love, Hannah

Live from Minneapolis, it’s Hannah McKnight

“Do something each day that scares you”.

Or something. I think that’s the maxim. It might be an actual quote that is attributed to someone or just something someone said and the person we can attribute it to has been lost to time.


I have been thinking about doing videos for a while. What held me back, at least initially, is my lack of technical prowess. I know there are editing programs and the like and I am sure googling “how to make videos” would tell me everything I need to know. But honestly? I think doing videos would take a lot of time… not something I have oodles of.

I had mentioned doing videos a few years here and someone emailed volunteering to edit and produce them. It was kind of them but as we communicated back and forth I had the impression that they were, well, a little flaky. I didn’t get the impression that the collaboration would work.

They also had, ah, a different idea as to what kind of videos they wanted me to create.

If I were to do anything, be it a video or another project, I need to make sure that the other person could, well, keep up with me. It’s also imperative that they are on the same page as me in terms of what we are creating. I am so fortunate to work with, and be friends with, my photographer Shannonlee. Not only do we have a lot of fun doing photo shoots but we also work really well with each other.

But the final and definitive nail in the video coffin was, well, a video that Shannonlee and I shot a few years ago. We were doing a shoot for a review and we were asked to take some short clips of me walking in some of the outfits. Aaaand I HATED how they turned out.

So, that was that.

For a while, anyway.

When 2022 crawled it’s way to the finish line and the optimism and potential of a new year glowed in the distance, I felt a little… ambitious.

And a little restless.

I don’t normally take time off from my job but with the end of year holidays I was, well, forced to. So I had time to unwind and take a break from a my demanding career. The absence of stress allowed a feeling of ambition to grow and vibrate inside me. I was feeling like… well, doing something new.

Something that terrified me.

It was in this perfect storm of restlessness and ambition that En Femme asked me to film a series of videos for their website.

And I said YES.

They have asked in the past but I always said no. Although they will handle all of the technical stuff I resisted because I was super cringed out by the video I mentioned earlier.

But I said YES.

The video series will touch on different aspects of femme presentation. How to have a bra fitting, different tucking garments, things along those lines. We have quite a few ideas and plans but if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.

We shoot our first videos tomorrow and I am terrified.

But isn’t that what I wanted? 😉

Love, Hannah

A Need…

Someone told me that a need is a really strong want.

And I think that is mostly true.

But I didn’t want this dress. I needed it.

We all know the feeling of seeing a dress and thinking that it NEEDS to be in your closet even if you have no idea when you’ll wear it or what the occasion for it would be.

This dress from En Femme was exactly that.

Once it arrived I knew I would wear it for my then upcoming photo shoot as well as for the MN T-Girlsholiday party.

The dress is tight, shiny, and has a VERY high slit. Essentially the dress was made for me, lol.

This is the final set of photos from the November 2022 photo shoot. I have a shoot scheduled for later this month and another for the end of March. It’s going to be an interesting year. 🙂

Love, Hannah

Shiny Things

Like a crow, I am drawn to shiny things.

I love PVC, vinyl, latex, and leather clothes. They are very much my weakness and when I see a shiny dress it will very likely find it’s way into my closet and into my suitcase when I choose outfits for a photo shoot.

When I saw this dress from En Femme I knew it was inevitable it would be mine. It would be silly to pretend otherwise. It fit perfectly and it has pockets for my forms which would circumvent a need to wear a bra. Some outfits are cut in a way where a bra isn’t always going to work and I need a bra to keep the girls in place.

And yes, I know there are adhesives to help with keeping things where they belong but when I have a photo shoot I sometimes go back and forth between outfits where I wear my forms and outfits when I don’t. It’s easier to just pop them into my bra as needed.

I was a little… reluctant to use the pockets for my forms. It sounds silly but it was strange for me to wear forms but not have them against my skin. Do you know what I mean? I slowly got over that with En Femme’s designs, starting with one of the bathing suits I reviewed for them.

I wore this dress for the most recent photo shoot the MN T-Girls did. I love the dress, I love how it looks, and how it feels. I hope you like it too!

Love, Hannah