Tag: transgender

Save the Date!

by Hannah

Hi!

So, the MN T-Girls are marking our ten year anniversary this November. I’ve been wanting to plan something fun and big and glamourous and I know many of you who don’t live in Minnesota said they would be interested in booking a trip to celebrate with us.

The event is scheduled for Saturday, November 18th. I have rented a private space that is adjacent to a nightclub in Minneapolis. Food and drinks will be available for purchase.

I am also trying to raise donations to help offset the rental cost of the space. More on that to come!

So! If you’d like to fly in for the event, please email me at hannahgotta@gmail.com.

Please bear in mind that all travel expenses/arrangements/transportation aren’t anything I can assist with. This is not a convention or anything like that and I am not going to be able to reserve a block of hotel rooms, for example. This is just a fun evening of glam and an excuse to visit Minnesota in November, lol. I MIGHT also arrange for a second event, such as meeting up for shopping or coffee the day before or the day after…

Hope you can come!

Love, Hannah

Three Links

by Hannah

Hi! I appreciate it when someone sends a link my way that they think we would be interested in. Sometimes it’s a link to another t-girl’s website or a new place to buy lingerie, a story in the news I missed, or resources that help us in other ways.

I’d like to pass on three sites I think are crucial to our community. If you know of any others that are helpful, please let me know.


Trans Lifeline

Trans Lifeline is a grassroots hotline and microgrants non-profit organization offering direct emotional and financial support to trans people in crisis – for the trans community, by the trans community.

Transgender Law Center

Transgender Law Center (TLC) is the largest national trans-led organization advocating for a world in which all people are free to define themselves and their futures. Grounded in legal expertise and committed to racial justice, TLC employs a variety of community-driven strategies to keep transgender and gender nonconforming people alive, thriving, and fighting for liberation.

Trans Empowerment Project

Trans Empowerment Project is moving the Trans community out of crisis and into empowerment by focusing on the abolition of white supremacy to ensure that our most marginalized community members, Disabled Queer and Trans People of Color, can thrive and live their best lives.

Love, Hannah

A Need…

by Hannah

Someone told me that a need is a really strong want.

And I think that is mostly true.

But I didn’t want this dress. I needed it.

We all know the feeling of seeing a dress and thinking that it NEEDS to be in your closet even if you have no idea when you’ll wear it or what the occasion for it would be.

This dress from En Femme was exactly that.

Once it arrived I knew I would wear it for my then upcoming photo shoot as well as for the MN T-Girls‘ holiday party.

The dress is tight, shiny, and has a VERY high slit. Essentially the dress was made for me, lol.

This is the final set of photos from the November 2022 photo shoot. I have a shoot scheduled for later this month and another for the end of March. It’s going to be an interesting year. 🙂

Love, Hannah

Strawberry Girl

by Hannah

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in July I wrote a post about, essentially, living life to its fullest and acknowledging that we are on borrowed time.

And I don’t necessarily mean WE as t-girls or crossdressers of member of the LGBTQ+ community. Like, all of us. This borrowed time is not necessarily feeling that a asteroid could plummet to the earth tomorrow and wipe out humanity. This feeling of a ticking clock can also extend to not being able to do… something in the future.

I was reminded of this over the weekend. Although in some ways I feel young and strong I also can’t ignore that my body is approaching it’s fiftieth year slowly and stubbornly. Although I don’t see myself needing a walker anytime soon, I do recognize that I am not as quick or as nimble as I used to be. I don’t bounce back as easily, if you will.

I spent Saturday in heels. Every parking lot and sidewalk that I ventured on was covered in ice. Fortunately I made every perilous journey from my car to a store without incident. The next day I took my dog for a walk and I slipped on the ice and landed hard on my knee and wrist. I slowly and painfully picked myself up and was relieved I could walk and nothing seemed broken or sprained.

I tend to think a million thoughts at once and I couldn’t help but be reminded that the day is coming when five inch stilettos will not be an option. Of course, not everything is about Hannah. I was thankful my wrist was only bruised and I would still be able to pick up a paintbrush or type on a laptop.

My point is that the things that make up my life, the things that bring me joy, whether it’s strutting in heels, going on a hike with my dog, or painting, will eventually become impossible.

Who can say that I will be as fortunate the next time I slip on the ice? This is Minnesota, after all.

I rarely reread the things I post on my website but I do think about the post I mentioned earlier. Not because it’s a brilliant piece of writing or anything but because the koan I wrote about is, more or less, something I try to remember in many parts of my life. Strawberries have become a symbolic reminder about life being sweet and short.

And YES! I know this is all very cliched and corny and cringe. I make no apologies.

After I wrote that post last year I decided I needed to buy a dress with strawberries on it. So I did. And I decided I should wear it for a photo shoot. So I did.

I am finally getting around to posting the pictures from the November photo shoot the MN T-Girls did. I hope you like this dress.

Love, Hannah

Everyday Lives

by Hannah

I am so used to being who I am that sometimes I lose sight of the uniqueness and strangeness that Hannah’s life is. It’s so normal for me to do what I do. I’ve gotten so accustomed to everything that makes up Hannah’s world whether it is reviewing lingerie or organizing MN T-Girl events or scheduling makeovers or setting up a photoshoot.

You know, things that aren’t part of my boy world. Things that aren’t a part of most people’s lives, regardless of their gender.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at, well, everything and I am reminded that although things are normal for me, they are also very different than what most people do or think about.

I was reminded of the contrast this weekend when I had coffee with someone I’ve been looking forward to meeting for a few years.

I woke up early, had coffee while scrolling through Twitter, shaved, put on a stocking, tore it, then put on another and then another. Tucked, cinched my corset, hooked my bra, put my breast forms on, wiggled into a dress, slipped on my wig, zipped up my knee-high boots, clipped my earrings, and strutted out the door.

After my makeover I visited a few stores and then I went to a coffee shop to meet the legendary Sybil, a fetish model based in the Twin Cities. We chatted about, well, all of this. Balancing commitments, professional careers and marriage and things that make up a life… or, in our cases, lives.

Anyone listening to this conversation would have been understandingly baffled and unable to relate to what a normal day was like for Sybil or myself. This unique life of different worlds and different genders is something many of you may be are able to identify with as well. Normality is relative.

After coffee I went home, changed to a boy, took the dog for a walk, and then ran an errand. I returned home, ordered a pizza which my wife picked up after running her own errands, and then spent an evening decompressing on the couch together. I was asleep by 9pm.

There’s little overlap in my two worlds. I like the relatively clear guardrails (in Sybil’s words) between HIM and HER. It requires a mental and emotional balance and discipline to time management that I’ve developed over the last ten years or so.

I like strutting around in a tight leather dress. I like zoning out on the couch eating pizza with my wife. It’s weird to think that I did both of these things in the same afternoon.

Love, Hannah

HB1156

by Hannah

Sometimes I will post something and I feel I am able to anticipate the likely responses the photo or link or article will generate.

Some of the expected comments can be fun, others can be polarizing and divisive… and others can be the equivalent to setting a room on fire and quickly closing the door behind you.

I love the diverse readership this website has. It’s encouraging that regardless of what is posted there will likely be some sort of interaction with it. Not that I need the validation but I do like sharing content or thoughts that connects with others even if it’s just others also sharing their love of high heels.

There are some readers who will email me after certain types of posts that, well, yell at me when I discuss certain topics. It would be almost funny if it wasn’t so intense.

Actually, what IS funny is when someone sends a very very very long and angry email about drag queen story time that they obviously put a lot of work into and I just delete it without reading it, lol.

Sometimes if I have an admittingly shallow post about how much I love lingerie, I’ll get emails that tell me I need to stop being so superficial and be more serious about gender identity.

If I discuss legislation that targets the LGBTQ+ community, I get emails calling me a woke bitch and I should stick to talking about dresses.

Thank God for the block and filtering options that Gmail has.

One particular trigger for some readers is anything that has anything to do with transgender youth. Some of my more… opinionated readers will send me clips from Fox News about doctors “mutilating” children who have undergone gender affirming medical care. Some articles that are forwarded to me are about drag queens grooming children. These things are simply not happening.

Anyone undergoing any sort of medical treatment when it comes to gender identity has likely gone through years of therapy and counseling. These procedures are not taken lightly. A person getting the genitalia that coincides with their gender identity is crucial and even life-saving in some situations. Someone’s choice to proceed with that is their choice and is not something that someone just “decides” to do.

Listen.

I can’t relate to needing to transition. I can’t relate to needing different anatomical features that better fit their gender identity. I don’t feel dysphoria beyond simply not feeling cute sometimes. Because of this, I can’t relate to someone who really felt that it was necessary to undergo medical care regarding their gender identity.

BUT I know that for others it’s important and unquestionably necessary. Who am I to say to what is right for someone else? Who am I to say whether or not someone should make a decision that only impacts themselves?

Listen.

I have known who I am for over four decades. Over the years I have changed the terms that I identify with and have come to a stronger and clearer understanding of who I am and what is right for me. It’s a journey, remember? One that almost all of us begin very early on in life. One that likely begins in childhood.

From the moment I tried on “girl clothes” I knew. But I also knew that although I had the option to change my gender legally and medically, I knew that it wasn’t right for me. Decades later the needle on this hasn’t twitched at all. Knowing this, I also accept that for others the need for a change is indeed there and has also likely been there since childhood.

A teenager, even someone younger, knowing that their legal gender isn’t right for them is absolutely a reality for many. And it’s a reality I know exists even if it’s not a feeling I can relate to either at the age I am now or when I was younger.

Again, it’s not for me or for anyone else to decide what is right for someone else. And! It’s not as simple of a decision where someone, regardless of their age, can wake up and legally change their gender and start on medication and schedule surgery as easily as setting up an oil change. These steps take months and even years of therapy and medical appointments. These steps are crucial in helping someone making sure that this decision is indeed the right direction for them.

Simply put, changing one’s gender (legally) and changing their body (to fit one’s gender identity) are not easy things to do. They require the help and recommendations of many, many professionals.

If a fourteen year old kid feels the need to change their gender I absolutely cannot relate to needing to do that… but I also know that they themselves know what is right for them. AND I know IF they proceed they will work with many trained and qualified professions in determining if this is indeed appropriate for them.

Today I am sharing a petition that a parent in Arkansas asked me to bring some attention to. This is in response to to a proposed bill, HB1156, which will require transgender students to use only the bathroom based on the gender on their birth certificate. This is a relatively new bill that is a somewhat modified version of a proposal that thankfully did not pass in 2021 called HB 1749. This bill would have legally forbidden teachers and public figures the use preferred names or pronouns for transgender students.

This parent pointed out that if this bill passes, it will also increase problems with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is a legitimate medical problem, and is included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Trans youth with gender dysphoria often have trouble coping at school already, and it can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, drug use, and even suicide.

Some of my readers are convinced that someone using a bathroom is entirely for deviant and nefarious and sexual reasons. I mean, do they not know what a bathroom is REALLY used for? When I am out en femme I always use the ladies room. And I use a men’s bathroom for the same reason I do when I am in male mode. I am not there to expose myself or harass anyone. I am there because I have to pee. Trans students are using the restroom for the same reason. If I was forced to use the men’s room when out en femme it would be very uncomfortable for everyone involved.

And pronouns are a big deal. I’ve been called male pronouns as Hannah and it stings worse than I could have imagined. If I were transitioning or living fulltime and I was constantly called HIM I think it would impact my self-esteem in pretty terrible ways.

And pronouns AREN’T a big deal at the same time. I am happy to call someone by what they want. Liz instead of Elizabeth? No problem. They instead of him? No problem. Mistress Pain instead of Janet? No problem, Mistress.

In her email, she writes I have created a petition on Change.org to try and prevent this bill becomes a harsh reality. Please help me fight this, and help our children to be safe, accepted and comfortable in Arkansas schools. With every signature, we hope to raise awareness, in the hopes the bill won’t pass. It is slow going and I am reaching out to others to help spread the word.

Please consider giving this petition a signature. I did!

Due to the sensitivity of this and due to the pattern of trolls when it comes to discussions regarding gender identity for those under the age of eighteen I have disabled comments for this post.

Sorry, not sorry.

Love, Hannah

A Son and a Daughter

by Hannah

I don’t have many memories of my dad when he wasn’t yelling at me or my siblings or my mom or the television or a neighbor or a piece of mail or the dog or anyone that just happened to cross his path.

Don’t worry, this post isn’t as heavy as the opening sentence is suggesting.

Anyway, he finally left when I was eighteen and I don’t think I’ve seen him since. Growing up in such an abusive environment will absolutely impact you. It was worse than not having a father at all. My mom did, in retrospect and especially under the circumstances, an absolutely remarkable job raising me and my three siblings in the household we all grew up in. She did her best and as time passes I realize just how difficult this likely was. My respect and appreciation for her grows.

Considering the year I was born and when my formative years were, I wasn’t raised in the most… enlightened times. Girls were taught how to cook, boys were taught how to do, well, boy things. My mom taught my sisters the things moms teach girls how to do and well, my dad taught me, by example, how to drink.

Goodness this is getting heavy but I promise things will turn around soon. I haven’t forgotten that this is a website that focuses on panties and makeup.

Anyway, we learn what we are taught and I wasn’t REALLY taught how to do BOY things. I can’t throw a football and I can’t throw a punch. Which is fine, these are not skills that negatively impact my life whatsoever.

Essentially I was raised in a very… gendered household. Sort of. My sisters were not taught how to do things boys do buuuuut I wasn’t taught these things either. AND since I wasn’t taught “girl things” such as cooking I entered adulthood not very well prepared to do… well, anything.

I mean, I knew SOME girl things like how to take off my bra without removing my shirt so there’s that, I suppose.

And yes I have a brother and yes in many cases brothers teach their younger brothers “boy things” but remember he was also raised in the same household and he couldn’t teach me skills he himself wasn’t taught either.

And yes some of you may be thinking that I am the “way I am” because of the environment I was raised in. After all, I wasn’t “taught how to be a boy” so I must have learned how to “be a girl” but I assure you that’s not the case at all. I have more early memories of lipstick and high heels than of my dad. I suppose some of that is intentional.

Not knowing how to do “boy things” impacts my life as an adult on occasion. This is especially true in our new home. For almost fifteen years my wife and I lived in a townhouse and the yardwork and snow removal were not our responsibility so there was no need to own machines like a lawnmower or a snowblower. Our new home has a yard and The Longest Driveway In The World, therefore I had to acquire new things to put in my garage next to the boxes of dresses I don’t have room for in my closet.

See? This is a crossdressing blog. I haven’t forgotten.

With these new machines I needed to learn how to use them. I needed to be taught. It’s an interesting and humbling experience to be shown skills that all of my male friends my age already have but I’d like to see them cinch up a corset or walk in five inch stilettos.

Anyway!

I put off obtaining some of the new expensive… things until it was inevitable. It snows in Minnesota and it usually snows a LOT. After shoveling the aforementioned driveway a couple of times I gave in and soon a snowblower was in my garage.

My wife and I put it together and I actually read the instructions and despite all my shortcomings I was able to get it to work, I felt like Doctor Frankenstein as it roared angerly to life. IT’S ALIVE!

My father-in-law called and gave some very needed and appreciated advice about this new machine. I listened closely but at the same time a thought whispered in the far recesses of my mind that this was a conversation that, in a traditional gender role way, men have with their sons.

This conversation, along with the other talks he and I have, are new and strange to me. I have little experience being talked to “as a son” from a father. Please don’t misunderstand. These talks are touching and appreciated. My father-in-law is kind and gentle. It’s about as opposite of an experience as I am used to and I can’t help but contrast the experience to the dynamic I had with my own father.

My mom taught me a lot of “boy things” as best as she could but admittingly there wasn’t many lessons. She was raised in a similar household and despite my dad’s penchant for being constantly inebriated he more or less took care of the Man Things in the house.

I think many kids have a desire and a need to connect with their parents. My mom and sisters had a connection and there were small things my mom and I had in common but early on in my childhood I… kind of went off the tracks a bit.

I wasn’t “a bad kid”. I rarely got into trouble and to do this day I’ve never even had a cigarette. But goodness I fought back when I entered my teenage years. My dad, for whatever reason, singled me out. He ignored my brother and was a little more restrained with his temper with my sisters… but me? Oh, he hated me.

And no, he didn’t know about my crossdressing so I don’t think any of his anger was influenced by having a “sissy” for a son.

And I mean “sissy” in a stereotypical, 1970’s-era sense, not in a fun sense, lol.

He and I clashed ALL THE TIME.

And my poor mother was caught in the middle. Torn between wanting to protect me, her child, and needing to avoid my dad when he was angry or drunk or both.

I survived these years and through therapy I have found peace and come to terms with this part of my life.

The anger was a difficult part to work through. Of course much of one’s anger is rooted in feeling hurt. I suppose part of me was angry at my mom for “letting” my dad do what he did. It wasn’t until I was in an abusive relationship myself that I understood how frightening this situation could be. I understood it wasn’t as simple as leaving. She never “let” my dad do anything. She was scared, too.

It was at this point that my anger started to thaw. My anger faded into understanding. I could relate to my mom. I started to get it. My appreciation for her under those abusive circumstances began to take hold.

But it took about a decade for my mom and I to connect and have a relationship as a parent and a child.

This has become, in a way, a non-gendered relationship and dynamic. What I mean is that I don’t feel she talks to me as a mother to a son. No, it’s parent to child.

Since I am bi-gendered I need to have different connections to different people based on my different gender identities. What HE needs are different than what Hannah needs, if that makes sense. I need my wife for companionship and love and stability and peace. Hannah needs girlfriends to go shopping with and rave about stilettos.

As Hannah’s life began to take form and as she created her world and life and make friends I started to learn what SHE needed in terms of relationships. Hannah needs friends. I mean, we ALL do.

The MN T-Girls is a very diverse group of transwomen. Some of the members are in their twenties, some are grandparents. I have different conversations with the different girls based on not only their age but conversations are also influenced by where they are on their journey. Some girls I feel an almost sisterhood with based on our similar age and experiences.

Many of the members are older than I am. Many of them are my mom’s age.

This is when a very particular emotion begins to stir in my mind and heart. A similar feeling to my father-in-law discussing snowblower maintenance with me.

Parent to child.

Father to son.

Mother to daughter.

Having a maternal figure talk to Hannah about, well, girl things, is… hard to put into words. It feels validating and wonderful. To clarify it’s not always and exclusively a conversation about makeup or anything traditionally femme that I am enjoying, it’s more about Hannah talking with someone a little older and wiser about life, you know? In my male life HE can talk to HIS mom about these things but like with anything, conversations en femme hit a little different.

That being said, I must admit it tugs at my heart when I think that I wish my mom had a relationship with Hannah.

When I came out to my mom I did so with the hope in my soul that she and Hannah would meet up for a coffee or shopping. Of course it didn’t turn out that way and I have come to peace with that. It’s okay. Really. Promise.

My mom loves me, she knows Hannah exists, but she doesn’t want to know her. And that’s okay. Having a non-cisgender child is a lot to take in.

I don’t take it personally. Not anymore. Really. Promise.

Being able to express my gender identity and to present as one of my gender identities is incredibly important and fulfilling. And essential. It wasn’t until Hannah’s world started to form when I learned that relationships are important as well.

I like being my mom’s child. I like being my wife’s dad’s son-in-law.

And Hannah likes feeling like a daughter.

Love, Hannah

Keg and Case and Stilettos

by Hannah

This past Saturday was the first MN T-Girls event of the year! This November we will be celebrating our ten year anniversary and my goal for 2023 is to have as many new events for the group as possible. I mean, we’ll still have many of our normal adventures like attending Pride and our holiday parties but I am hoping to strut around new locations and have new experiences.

For our January event we met up at Keg and Case Market a food hall/indoor market in Saint Paul. It’s a little hard to explain but there are small pop-up retailers and a coffee ship and a brewery and tiny restaurants.

We got together for girl talk and coffees and cocktails and just enjoyed a quiet afternoon after the chaos of the recent holidays.

It was a fun day and we all looked amazing.

Love, Hannah

Jazzin’ it Up

by Hannah

Oh, hi!

I’ve had a lot of wordy posts lately and I think we’re overdue for some pictures to jazz things up.

So, here is a preview of the pictures from the recent photo shoot with the MN T-Girls. The first three outfits are from En Femme and the fourth outfit I found on Amazon. I bought that dress after I wrote a post about, well, living in the moment, I suppose.

I can’t wait to share more pictures and I really hope you like these.

Love, Hannah

Love, Hannah

Her Own World

by Hannah

When we are en femme, I believe we become a different person.

This person is not necessarily a NEW person, though. She is different than who, well, we normally are. When Hannah is in the world she is a different person from the person that I normally present as. She is a different person than most people in the world know when it comes to ME.

For some of us, this person is their true self. They are no longer hiding, no longer wearing a mask or a disguise. Still, this person is different than the one most of the world knows.

When we realize that she is a different person, it’s at this point when she creates her own world. I mean, Hannah has her own wardrobe and email address, why is it so odd to accept that what she has and who she is extends to life, to the world?

Hannah interacts with the world in a different way than HE does. She impacts someone in a different way than he does. When he goes to a cafe and orders a coffee it likely is a very forgettable moment for the barista.

When Hannah struts into the same cafe, well, she’ll likely cause a few ripples. Not because she is OMG SO BEAUTIFUL but, well, it’s not every day a t-girl in vampy makeup and stilettos orders a latte.

We, whether we want to or not, create an impression on the people around us. Some people may hate us or be indifferent towards us. But what if we INSPIRE people? What if we help a closeted trans person feel less alone? Visibility is important, girls.

We, like a stiletto heel in wet cement, are making our mark in the world.

And yes! That sounds a little… well, extreme but that doesn’t make it less true.

We are creating her life. Her world.

Hannah has her own friends and life and well, job, I suppose. There’s little overlap between her life and HIS life. Very few people in the world have met both of US, if you follow.

It’s true the absence of some of the people HE knows in Hannah’s life can sting a little. HE has friends that Hannah would love to hit the mall with but for one reason or another that it’s not likely going to happen.

It was a complex thing when Hannah started to venture out into the real world. On one hand it was… AMAZING. Magical. On the other… well, it was lonely.

As much fun as it was, and is, to wander around the mall, having a coffee, shopping for a new outfit, I couldn’t help but think about how much more fun it would be to do these things with certain people from my boy life. I keep both of my lives pretty separate from each other but it would be nice if there was a TINY bit of overlap with some people.

But it’s not likely going to happen. And that acceptance took a long time for me. At times I was hurt or took it personally if I thought that someone in HIS life wouldn’t be comfortable going out with Hannah.

I have more or less accepted that I can’t have it both ways. And I’ve also, for the most part, stopped taking it personally.

But it can still be a lonely life, or at least, a lonely afternoon out en femme.

So! What can be done?

You create a new life. For her.

I’m not talking about transitioning or anything like that. What I mean is if friends in HIS life can’t (or won’t) be friends with Hannah, well, Hannah can have her own friends.

Her own world.

Her own friends.

Her own life.

This desire, and later I realized how essential it was for Hannah to have friends, led to starting the MN T-Girls. She has a lot of friends to shop with, to meet for coffee, to experience life and the world.

Her world.

Love, Hannah