MN Tea-Girls!

1Last night was the monthly outing for the MN T-Girls and like each month, it was filled with girl talk, making new friends and support.  We’ve had a busy 2017 so far with going out to dinner, shopping, makeup demonstrations and other exciting events so I thought it was a good time to have a quiet evening at Blue Moon Coffee Cafe in Minneapolis.  The weather was rainy and gloomy which helped add to the perfect conditions for spending time drinking tea and coffee with friends.

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Thank you to everyone who came, whether in boy-mode or just-had-a-makeover-mode, t-girl or supportive family members.

Love, Hannah

 

 

So, This Happened…

day 2 dressI had a feeling, almost a premonition, that something interesting was going to happen when I went out yesterday.  I started by picking out my outfit, a white dress with a floral pattern and matched it with a pair of nude pumps as seen in the photo to the left.  But at the last second I replaced it with a hot pink dress and matching stilettos as shown in the photo below.

My makeup looked good.  My mascara made my eyelashes so long that they cast a shadow on my face.  My lipstick matched my outfit.  Whatever was going to happen, I was going to face it by looking fabulous.  I was going to meet up with a friend for dinner and I had some time to kill so I went to the mall.  I popped into a few stores and then as I rounded a corner, I saw her.

I saw my mom.

1I came out to my mom a few years ago, when I still identified as a crossdresser.   I still identify as a crossdresser but I feel transgender is more appropriate.  It was a surprise to her and although my mom is a wonderful person and supportive of the GLBTQ community, she wasn’t prepared for this revelation and it didn’t go as well as I had hoped.  But I think I could have explained myself better.  I think had I explained what it meant for me to identify as trans as opposed to me wearing dresses and heels it might have gone differently.  I think when I started to identify as transgender instead of a crossdresser I went from “this is what I like to do” to “this is who I am”.

I was excited for her to meet Hannah.  I wanted  very much to go shopping with my mom, to meet for coffee.  To be a daughter, even if only for an afternoon.  But it wasn’t meant to be.  She was glad I was honest with her but wasn’t ready to meet Hannah.

Over the next few months, we had a few more conversations but I didn’t feel they were going anywhere.  I soon gave up on the hope of her meeting Hannah.  It would still hurt from time to time, however.  I knew my mom loved and accepted me, but I couldn’t help feeling sad that there was this part of my life, another half of my life, that she didn’t want to know.

 

I could have pressed, but I respected her feelings.

Lately it has been on my mind, though.  I wondered if enough time had passed for me to broach the subject again.  When I considered this, most of the time I decided to drop it.  When I didn’t decide to drop it, I wondered how to do it, and ended up dropping it anyway.  But yesterday my mom faced me in the most literal way possible: by running into me at the mall.  Because of course I was at the mall.

As we walked towards each other, I didn’t have that sense of panic.  It was more like…what should I do here?  I remembered my mom saying she didn’t want to meet me, but it felt wrong to just pass by her and not say anything.  But I also felt like this was my chance.  It was meant to be.

After the initial shock, we got to chatting.  Small talk, how the week went, what was coming up later on in the month, my sisters, weekend plans.  I am sure running into Hannah was the last thing she expected to happen on her Saturday trip to JCPenney’s but my mom bounced back well and was comfortable, chatty, friendly and just…normal.  It didn’t feel weird or tense.

We ended up walking around the store and talking for about 20 minutes until she was off on her next errand.  In the parking lot I told her that I knew she didn’t want to meet me and that I was sorry it happened.  I am not sorry for who I am, but I respected her decision to not meet me.  I told her that this afternoon was something I had dreamed of for a very long time.  I let her know if she ever wanted to go shopping or have a coffee that I would love to meet up with her.

I was surprised at how emotional I was when I told her this.

We said our goodbyes, she told me she loved me (as she always does when I see her) and she hugged me.  Do you know how long I’ve wanted her to hug Hannah?

I walked back to the mall and immediately texted my wife.  After I told her what happened, we exchanged this:

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My evening went as planned and later my wife called my mom just to check in with her now that she met me.  My mom was supportive and talkative, had some questions for my wife and was very encouraging.  I suppose ten years ago I never thought I would have had a day like yesterday…having a wife who is supportive, having the confidence to go out, having the courage to tell my mom and for my wife and my mom to chat about my gender identity on the phone.

I never really thought what occurred yesterday would ever happen and who knows if she’ll ever see me again.  Yesterday life became a whole new world for myself and for my mom.  It was full of new.  I mean, how often does your mom meet you for the first time?

Love, Hannah

This is Trans-tastic

Sometimes I am amazed at our progress.  Sometimes I am amazed at the progress of the rest of the world.  Never did I think we’d live in an age where there were greeting cards designed to celebrate someone’s transition but that is exactly what Hallmark is doing.

Hallmark put out a line of cards in 2015 that went largely unnoticed until recently.  I really recommend reading this article from the Kansas City Star.

Thanks to Jennifer for forwarding this article to me!

Love, Hannah

 

The Fear of Being Caught

I think many of us fear being caught.

I have been wearing heels, dresses and anything else you can name for as far back as I can remember.  Well, maybe wearing isn’t the right phrase, perhaps “trying to wear” is more appropriate.  I recall being as young as four and searching the closet for my mom’s high heels.  Even when I was young, I didn’t think there was anything “wrong” with me, I just liked what I liked.  But I somehow knew my wardrobe preferences should be kept a secret.

Until perhaps fifteen years ago, terror and crossdressing went hand in hand.  I was terrified whenever I worked up the courage to go to Target to buy panties at the chance of someone bumping into me.  I was terrified someone would open my closet and see my stilettos.   I was terrified all the time of being caught.

After I came out to my girlfriend, whom I later married, the fear went away for the most part.  The person whose opinion really mattered knew all about me and I didn’t need to hide anymore.  I slowly started posting on forums, such as crossdressers.com, soon photos appeared and, well, now I have this website.

The fear faded as I grew older and started to realize that it was unlikely I would be “caught”.  As far as I know, I have kept this a secret from everyone that I haven’t come out to.  I don’t have any fear going out at all, either.  I don’t think Hannah looks like male me unless you were close enough, but then again, I may be fooling myself.  But I really don’t think I am.

Having this blog and posting photos does open up the chance of being “caught”.  Am I afraid someone in my male life would see it?  Not really.  I don’t think this is the kind of site you just stumble upon.  I think you’d find my site if you were looking for a site like mine.  And if you’re looking for a site like mine, well, you probably understand the importance of keeping a secret.

The other day I was thinking about our fear of being caught.  It’s true, I don’t want to be caught, but I was thinking if there’s anyone in my male life that knows about me that I don’t know of.  It is entirely possible that someone has seen me in the mall carrying a Victoria’s Secret bag or at Ulta picking up foundation.  It is possible someone has found my site, either on accident or on purpose.  If someone has see me and are respecting my privacy, then I truly appreciate it.

However.

If someone does know about me, I really wouldn’t mind if you let me know that you know.  Unless of course you think I am weird or doing something wrong, then you can keep pretending that you don’t know.  But if you know me, if you know the male me, you can tell me.  I don’t like keeping secrets, but we all know how important it is to keep this secret.  If you know the male me and want to meet Hannah, let me know.  She would like to meet you, too.

Love, Hannah

Hannah’s Adventures in Mall of Americaland

MOA 5

In my male life, I tend to be a bit of a workaholic.  Even on my days off, I plan projects and errands and things that I need to accomplish.  I have a hard time relaxing.  One of my favorite things about having two genders is that Hannah is very different than my male life.  I had quite a few errands planned for yesterday but it was a beautiful morning and I felt like being as beautiful as the day.

I woke up, picked out one of my favorite floral dresses and nude heels and left my house in search of adventure.  I ended up at the Mall of America.  I think for many of us in Minnesota we look visiting this mall as a challenge.  It’s huge, has a ton on people and can be intimidating.  I’ve been to the mall as Hannah before and was excited to return.

I arrived at the mall before most stores had opened and enjoyed listening to the click of my heels on the floor as I wandered around having a coffee.  I caught the eye of other shoppers and I did what I always do when someone looks at me, I smiled at them.  And more often than not, they smiled back.

MOA 1

A smile can disarm, a smile can put someone at ease and smiling back when someone smiles at us is a reflex.   There was one lady in particular who just…stared at me and I just kept smiling.  I thought about what she would tell her friends later.

“I saw one of those…transgendered people at the mall.”

“What happened?”

“She…smiled at me”.

Yes, we are pretty scary.

As I strolled through the mall, I heard someone say “oh, will you look at the model!”  I turned and saw a couple sitting on a bench waiting for a store to open.  I sat down with them and had a wonderful conversation with them.  They were a retired couple from Norway who were in town to meet their daughter who was flying into Minneapolis from Alaska.  We had about a 20 minute chat and my heart grew with happiness.

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I stopped in a lot of stores and tried on dresses looking for a new outfit.  I also took advantage of all the giant mirrors.

I had so much fun.  After my recent post I was inspired to try on a few gowns as well.  Look at this dress, could you imagine wearing it at ball?

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I had a wonderful adventure at the mall.  I look at my time as Hannah truly as adventures.  I never know what will happen.  Maybe I will find the perfect dress or talk to a retired pastor from Norway.  What I do know is that people are generally very kind and they might look at you as they have never seen a transperson before…and it’s possible they haven’t.

It’s impossible and a waste of time trying to determine what people are thinking when they see you.  Regardless of what they think, it can’t affect you.  How you think about yourself is the only thing that matters.  If someone does stare at me, I like to imagine they are thinking “wow, she’s tall” or “what a beautiful dress!” and “how does she walk in those heels?”.

People will stare, but mostly they just smile back.

Love, Hannah

Dining with the MN T-Girls

4Last night was the monthly outing for the MN T-Girls and we had such a wonderful time.  Dining en femme was a dream of mine for so long and no matter how many times I dine out, it’s always an incredible experience.  I understand how nerve-wracking it can be, but I have never had a bad experience whether dining alone or with the T-Girls.

We dined at Kincaid’s in Saint Paul, a really beautiful restaurant with terrific service and food.  There were a total of nine of us and there were a few girls who were out with the T-Girls for the first time so it’s lovely to meet new friends.

Some of us knew each other from previous outings, but for the most part everyone got to know each other for the first time yesterday.  It really is amazing how so many of us have the same experiences and feelings and we are all connected through who we are.  Within minutes we were all chatting as if we were lifelong friends about everything from makeup to family to books.

It has been a busy month for me so I was really looking for ward to getting ready and dolled up and having really yummy food.  I had a chance to wear a new dress I bought back in January on another T-Girl outing and I loved how it looked.

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Thank you to Kincaid’s for impeccable hospitality, for delicious food, for always directing us to the ladies’ room and for making us feel welcome.  Thank you to everyone who came last night, see you soon!

Love, Hannah

 

 

This Beautiful Season

0007Every year, as the end of spring begins to flirt with the first breath of summer, you see beauty everywhere.  The blossoming of flowers, the bluest sky imaginable and breathtaking sunsets.

This time of year you see girls getting ready for prom or to be in a wedding.  This season stirs up the desire to be beautiful, the intense pangs of jealousy.  When I was in high school I would see my female friends at a formal dance and couldn’t decide if I wanted to in love with them or if I wanted to look like them.  It was an intense…awakening, a turning point in my life.  Ultimately I would choose both.

This longing to pick out a beautiful gown, to find the perfect heels and to have an amazing makeover doesn’t ever go away.  It’s always there…but it’s never stronger or louder than right now.  I didn’t go to prom when I was a senior, but I wanted to.  I was dating a girl but we broke up a few weeks before the dance.  We had planned to go, and I lived vicariously through her as she recounted her experiences of shopping for the gown she ultimately would not wear.  If I was honest with myself,  I wanted to go to prom as a girl.  I wanted to spend weeks looking for a dress, the shoes and accessories.  I wanted the makeup and hair appointment, I wanted the photos, the going out to dinner at an upscale restaurant, the limo…everything.  I didn’t even want to go with someone, it would have been enough to just go, to be my own date.

When my high school days passed I had hopes of being a bridesmaid.  I wanted to experience going dress shopping with other girls, trying on countless gowns…just thinking about it makes me smile.

I am lucky to have experienced so many moments as Hannah, but it also hits me on occasion knowing that there are so many things that I likely never will.  I’ve had many makeovers, many photographs taken, and I have a beautiful wardrobe.  But being the most beautiful girl at a gala, in the room, the center of a dance floor, or a wedding photograph feels impossible.

I think you all know what I feel.

Love, Hannah