Under the Pink

“Under the Pink is a place. It’s an internal place. It’s the inner world, the inner life.”

-Tori Amos

Things are usually different on a surface level than what they are actually really about.

I used to think that drag performances were all about exaggeration and lip synching but after speaking to a few queens I learned about how drag, in the words of Gaelle Abou Nasr, is rooted in deliberate parodies of heteronormative gender roles and sexuality.

Is all drag communicating this? Probably not but that is where it started.

This deeper meaning of drag is not unlike what the dynamic between a domme and a sub is really about. I used to think that visiting a domme was all about getting humiliated and hurt. But no. I learned a LOT when I visited Mistress Jean Bardot earlier this year. I was surprised by how much communication and trust and control went into a session. I learned what someone is *really* looking for when they’re in a dungeon. It’s more than about a fetish, it’s more than getting slapped across the face.

It is. I promise you.

Is burlesque just a sophisticated word for a strip show? No. I’ve never been to either but I’ve known burlesque performers. I was surprised to learn the that Victorian burlesque was popular in London theatres from the 1830s to the 1890s. It took well-known culture like opera or Shakespeare and parodied it. They would often use the original music or popular music of the time and re-write the lyrics for comic effect. Venues became known for showing burlesque during this era.

I bring this all up as it’s been on my mind after the boudoir shoot I did last week. Perhaps it was my naivety but I suppose I thought that ‘boudoir’ was just, um, a classier name for a lingerie photoshoot.

Thinking in that way brought a lot of… pressure? on myself. I don’t have a lingerie model body and I’ll never look as femme in a bra and panty as I would like to. Every photo shoot I’ve done that included lingerie has been a combination of feeling humbled, inadequate, and empowered.

But as I learned, boudoir isn’t meant to be a replication of a Victoria’s Secret catalog photo shoot. It’s meant to celebrate one’s body. Anyone’s body.

I sometimes have harsh criticisms of myself and agonize and complain about certain physical features that I feel are too masculine. But sometimes I realize that maybe, just maybe, I am mistaken or making something out to be a bigger “problem” than it is. I had a makeover a few weeks ago with someone other than my normal artist and I asked if she can minimize and contour my jawline. I told her I felt it was too square, too masculine. She looked at me quizzingly and said that no, she didn’t agree. She didn’t think my face was too square.

It was… a moment. For years I’ve felt this way and I’ve never been told otherwise. So, maybe she’s right. I had this same revelation about my upper body. I’ve written on here that I feel my shoulders are too broad, too masculine. But do you know something? Despite the countless photos I’ve posted no one has ever said this to me. So, maybe they are not as, ah, problematic as I think they are.

Someone’s opinion and perspective can easily change your own. Understanding what someone thinks about you and how they see you can be very eye-opening.

Throughout the week I’ve chatted with Ali, the superstar photographer about how anxiety inducing a shoot like this can be. She shared her love of boudoir photography and said that a shoot like this is amazing because we get to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes. We are challenged to reconcile why we see ourselves in the light we do.

This was revelatory. And it was a reminder that how we see ourselves isn’t necessarily the truth. I might see manly, blocky shoulders in the mirror but someone else might see something different.

It is in this spirit that I would like to show two pictures from the shoot. They are not retouched (save for a black and white filter) at all. The wrinkles on my forehead are from me trying to concentrate on keeping my legs in this position and I feel a look a little pudgy in the other.

That’s what I see. But I also see confidence and peace.

Love, Hannah