How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Attention

Anyway I was listening to The Moth Radio Hour the other day. If you’re not familiar with this show it’s a program on NPR where people tell stories about their lives. Some are poignant, some are hilarious, some are heartbreaking. Usually each show has a topic or a theme and it’s fascinating to hear just normal people talk about moments from their lives that have shaped them.

One of the segments featured a woman who discussed overcoming her fear or talking to strangers. She wasn’t comfortable with engaging in small talk with people that she didn’t know and it caused a lot of anxiety when she was out running errands or going about her day. This was something that she wanted to overcome and it was something she wanted to understand. Why did short conversations with people cause her so much stress?

She reached out to someone she knew for advice and help. He told her that one way to overcome anxiety about being among others is to do something embarrassing. A social faux pas, a strange question to someone you don’t know… something along those lines.

The thinking behind this is the more often you embarrass yourself – and survive – the sooner you’ll realize that small interactions with people you don’t know do not have any negative consequences.

Essentially getting out of your comfort zone is not going to result in your worst fears coming true.

I am obviously paraphrasing here but that’s what I took from the advice.

Aaaand I think he is onto something.

I’ve been going out en femme for about fifteen years, give or take. If you go out on a regular basis you likely and hopefully realize that it gets easier and easier each time.

This can be contributed to a few things:

1. We fear the worst when we go out (being harassed or recognized, for example) but the more we go out and as those fears don’t manifest (hopefully) we realize that although those risks are always there, they haven’t happened. I mean, besides running into my mom a few years ago I have yet to see someone I know from HIS life
2. Femme presentation generally gets better over time. This is not about “passing”, mind you, but as we achieve the look that we strive for the higher our confidence gets. Confidence is key in going out
3. And finally, we simply get used to going out. I think nothing of trying on a dress at a department store or filling my gas tank these days

But no matter how often I go out, I almost always reflect on those first few times I strutted (or took baby steps) into the real world.

It was… well, not embarrassing. That is not the right word, but it’s a similar feeling. When we are embarrassed we think and fear that everyone in the world witnessed a mistake. If I stumble in my stilettos I immediately wonder if anyone saw me, for example. This extends to HIS life, too. If I knock something off the shelf at a store I think to myself that I hope that no one saw me.

BUT! We learn that if someone did see us either stumble in stilettos or knock something off the shelf it’s not the end of the world. Probably someone saw us, probably no one cares. We all make mistakes and most of us know that everyone else makes mistakes as well. Ridiculing someone over something that we are all guilty of is hypocritical and cruel.

When I say going out en femme is similar to being embarrassed I mean that we fear that everyone is watching us. We feel very much under the microscope and scrutinized. We feel self-conscious. I was never embarrassed by who I am and I don’t associate femme clothes with humiliation or shame. But I was afraid that I would be stared at and I would stand out in a way I wasn’t used to. In boy mode I move through the world more or less unnoticed. I am just a normal middle aged (oh god) masculine presenting person. This was new.

My first day out en femme was… remarkable. Absolutely one of the most important days of my life. I sensed a change in confidence and comfort throughout the few hours I was out of the house. These feelings only grew over time and throughout my future adventures.

I was still aware I would and still do stand out. I am noticeably not cisgender AND I am super tall AND I am wearing a bright dress AND I have full makeup at ten in the morning. That aspect hasn’t changed from my first time out en femme and it never will.

What did change was that I got used to being noticed. I realized that just because someone saw me it didn’t mean anything bad would happen. I have never been attacked, I have never been harassed, and with only a few exceptions no one has intentionally and cruelly misgendered me.

This is what I related to the person in the story. I wasn’t embarrassing myself but I was out of my comfort zone and nothing bad has happened. My anxiety about going out en femme is practically gone. And as someone who overthinks everything and imagines and plans for worst-case scenarios I feel this is a significant accomplishment.

Listen:

It’s easy and normal to expect the worst when we go out. We fear being recognized, harassed, laughed at, attacked, and, well, not looking as femme as we would like. Some of these fears are fueled by a world that seems to be increasingly hostile towards the gender non-conforming community. The first time we go out is not unlike skydiving without a parachute into a volcano surrounded by wolves and the wolves are on fire and the wolves are covered in nails. It was the bravest thing I have or will ever do.

Going out, not the skydiving thing.

But the second time got a tiny bit easier.

I realized during my first time out the world isn’t as cruel to girls like us as certain pieces of legislation suggests. At the time same, I experienced a world that was friendlier and kinder than I had ever hoped for.

Love, Hannah