Ask Hannah!

How did you arrive at the certainty that you are content being bi-gender/part time female, and that you don’t want to transition to female full time? Also, how did you determine that you don’t want or need hormones and surgeries?

I feel this is something that most of us spend a lot of time thinking about. As soon as we acknowledge that this side of us exists, we start to wonder what all of this means and what, if any, our next steps are.

Does this mean we were incorrectly identified at birth? Should I start transitioning?

These are common questions. At the same time these are likely the biggest questions we will ever ask ourselves in our lives. Big questions usually cannot be answered quickly or without a lot of careful consideration.

Some of us, like myself, feel that no, we weren’t incorrectly gendered at birth, and no, transitioning is not the right decision. Regardless of one’s decision at these or similar questions, they likely came with the guidance from someone in the medical or psychiatry profession.

I know my therapist helped confirm my decision.

What I mean is that I never felt transitioning was the right decision. A little over a decade over I started therapy on a regular basis once again. My gender identity eventually came up. I discussed my feelings and thoughts on all of this. Not because I was conflicted or unsure, but I felt the perspective of someone a lot smarter than me would be beneficial. Essentially I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t in denial or if there was a question I should have been asking myself that I hadn’t thought of.

Luckily when it comes to gender identity, it’s not uncommon to think a LOT about who we are. I tend to overthink about everything anyway (thank you autism) so when we talked and talked and talked about all of this it was relatively easy for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings.

Once I finished bringing my doctor up to speed she asked a few questions, asked me to clarify a few things, and agreed with me that I am asking myself the right things and that no, I am not in denial and that no, transitioning is not right for me.

So, that was good.

But how did I come to that realiztion?

I think it came down to two things.

As part of my, well, research about gender identity and about others like myself, I learned a lot about why someone chooses to transition. Of course, not all of us make decisions about gender or anything else for the same reasons, but a commonality is that many transitioning people just felt that the gender they were assigned to at birth was, well, wrong. They felt at peace presenting or identifying as a different gender or using different pronouns. They felt unhappy when they had to wash off their makeup. They felt anxious when they returned to their male lives.

I am happy when I am en femme, but I don’t feel depressed when I unzip my dress or unfasten my stilettos after a day out. I don’t feel that either of my gender identities is the “right” one. I am comfortable with both/either.

Secondly, I have a very broad definition of gender. I don’t think genitalia matters at all when it comes to gender identity. I know some of us HATE their penis and I get that, but personally I don’t think my penis is tied to masculinity. Some of us feel that breasts symbolize femininity and again, I get that. And I DO have breasts, but they are kept in a nice box on the top shelf of my closet.

I feel I can present and identify as femme without estrogen or anything else because I don’t feel hormones or physical features really matter when it comes to identity.

Again, we all come to decisions that feel right for us, but this is how I knew.

Love, Hannah

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