Fulfilling Life/Lives

Some moments just force you to look at your life from a new perspective. In the blink of an eye you start to question everything. Some things become more important than ever while others aren’t worth your energy at all.

Losing a friend can do that.

It’s not unusual to think about all the moments you had with them, but also the moments you could have had. It’s also common to think about how they impacted and shaped your own life.

I don’t want to trivialize who I am, but sometimes I think of Hannah as a fictional character, in a way. She doesn’t have her own social security number and she doesn’t have a legal name. In a way, she doesn’t, well, exist.

But she does exist. I do exist. She is as real as anyone.

What I mean is that at one time I thought I could easily adopt a new femme name, a new identity… I could walk away from Hannah McKnight.

I am not saying I would renounce my gender identity/identities, just so we’re clear.

However, even though I never seriously considered abandoning her life, I realize how impossible that would be… and how fulfilling her life is.

Some people believe you discover yourself, or that you find yourself. And I suppose to an extent that’s true. I like creating things. I like the idea of creating a life. Working towards something and enjoying the fruits of your labors, if you will.

In my male life I have a fairly satisfying career. A lovely wife. A comfortable home. I think it’s a life that most people would say I worked towards. A strong marriage takes work, a successful career takes work, all of that.

Hannah has her own life. Her own friends. Her own website. Her own wardrobe. Her own career. These are all things that she has worked towards. She has, at the risk of sounding arrogant, become a small celebrity in the non-binary, femme presenting world.

All of that would go away if I reinvented my femme identity.

The part of Hannah’s life that is the most fulfilling though is the MN T-Girls. Born from a suggestion and from encouragement from my wife, the group is celebrating our ten year anniversary in November.

Between that conversation with my wife and our celebration in two months was a decade of work. Planning. Logistics. Outreach. A lot of emails (and eyeliner). Through the group I’ve met wonderful people and we’ve had amazing outings. We’ve seen plays HE would never have seen. I’ve made friends HE never would have. I’ve been on shopping trips and countless other adventures that HE would never have taken.

Sometimes I look at Hannah’s life as the fun part of my whole being. And it is. But lately I’ve been thinking about fulfilling her life is and how significant and impactful the MN T-Girls is in my life.

While it’s true I lead the group and keep it going, nothing is created in a vacuum. My wife encouraged me to start it and many of our events have been suggested by girls in the group. Many girls have connected me to other people who have helped make certain events possible. It’s not Hannah’s group anymore. I hope the girls feel that it’s their group.

I wrote yesterday how vital my friend was when it came to the early days of the MN T-Girls. She was one of our first members and had belonged to almost every transgender/crossdressing group in the Twin Cities. We had many discussions over the years about what worked and what didn’t work in other groups. She kept me encouraged and helped me brush off any criticism and overcome any frustration I felt. I confided in her when I doubted myself and the work the group was doing. She helped me with understanding gender and labels in a way I never considered before. She was a mentor. She was a friend. She had a calming, almost parental energy.

I honestly don’t think the MN T-Girls would be around today if she hadn’t been a member.

Over the last few days I’ve been thinking about the life Hannah has created. I’ve been thinking about how ludicrous the idea of walking away from it was. Modeling and videos are fun, but the community and friendship that the MN T-Girls provides is my favorite part of Hannah’s world.

I have my friend to thank for that.

Thank you, Mari.

Love, Hannah