There’s a lot to be said about guilt and crossdressing. Stana has been posting about this recently and it got my little brain humming.
But before I contribute even more to the subject, I want to say that I write about a LOT of different aspects of, well, all of this. Today’s post is focusing on those of who just like to wear cute clothes and lingerie but either don’t, or at least not yet, identify as another or as a different gender identity than the one they were assigned at birth.
Years ago I identified, a little reluctantly, as a crossdresser. I wasn’t always super comfortable with the term, especially since there was/is such a perceived sexual stigma largely associated with it.
Not that there’s anything wrong with crossdressing being a sexual thing, but this aspect of me was never a kink. I mean, I described it as such but not because I found it erotic or arousing but since it was typically framed as a kink, what else could it be?
Anyway, I am getting off-track (much earlier in a post than normal) so now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let’s dive in.
Guilt can come from a few different aspects:
-We are sometimes told we are sinning
-We feel guilty because we are lying
-We feel guilty because although we might not by lying, but we are not being honest with others
-We feel guilty for hiding clothes
-We feel guilty for borrowing others’ clothes without permission
And the beat goes on.
Coming out to our partners is the bravest thing that we will ever do. So much hinges on this revelation, this confession, this vulnerability. It’s high stakes stuff and we know that everything in our lives, our relationships, can change.
Damn. Think about that for a minute.
Okay, that’s enough.
When we come out to someone, it’s not always the outcome we expected or wanted. There’s a lot of reasons to come out to our partners (and we should absolutely do this before a real commitment is made, such as moving in with each other or getting engaged).
I came out to my wife when we were dating after I had agonized about it for months. It was absolutely something I thought about even before we started to date. I fell for her hard and I knew that if I asked her out and if any relationship progressed there would likely be a time in the future when she had to be told. Ergo, I thought about The Talk ALL THE TIME while getting to know her. I thought about HOW and WHEN to tell her and I thought about the risks.
But I also daydreamed about the outcome.
Maybe she would love this side of me! Maybe she and I would go lingerie shopping together! Maybe I would received panties for my birthday!
…and a lot of other superficial (well, not superficial to us) thoughts.
(Just want to jump in here and say although getting panties from our partners is wonderful, the real message in such a gift is being accepted, but perhaps not understood, by our partners.)
Coming out to our partners can go a zillion different ways and sometimes it goes better than our hopes.
I set the expectations bar low… real low, when I came out to her. Yes, I daydreamed about lingerie shopping with her but I never set my heart on it. My real hope is that she wouldn’t leave me over this side of me.
She didn’t (obviously) and my life (all aspects of it) has turned out better than anything I could have dared dreamt. I am content and fulfilled by my gender identity, we own a cute little house, and are both healthy.
What else could I want? A fool would ask for more.
Of course, I make all of this sound so easy. It wasn’t. My wife had the same reasonable fears and thoughts and experiences most of our partners have. Where was this going? What does this mean?
She also had the same frustrations of me spending money that I shouldn’t have on panties or stilettos as well as endlessly talking about dresses and makeup.
Much of this was based on my inability (or refusal) to, well, rein it in a little. When we come out to someone it’s really normal to just… overwhelm them with all of this. I mean, the revelation is overwhelming enough as it is, but when I came out and it was clear that the revelation itself wasn’t going to drive her away, all I could do is talk about this side of me. THAT contributed to overwhelming her.
Not the crossdressing itself, mind you, but endlessly talking about SOMETHING, and letting every conversation revolve around ANYTHING is going to get real old, real fast. It’s not much different if everything in my life revolved around, oh, I don’t know fishing or a video game or a video game about fishing.
It’s normal for our partners to need time to absorb and process our coming out. It’s also normal for them to try to understand this aspect of who we are. Sometimes this leads to our partners being open to us wearing panties or a nightie to sleep. The door cracks open a little.
It’s at this moment when everything can go to hell. The door is cracked open, but we often just kick it down and suddenly we go from wearing panties under our boy clothes to wearing a skirt around the house. Our partners seeing us in panties is one thing. Something so relatively small is quite a lot for them to get accustomed to, but more often than not we go one step further before they have finished normalizing that their man wears pink lacy panties.
And now they are processing their man wearing skirts and the thought of “where is this all going?” becomes even more urgent and frightening.
We are going a hundred miles and hour while our partners are still trying to fasten their seat belt.
I was very blind to my wife’s feelings and perspective in the early days. Some of this had to do with how much I was drinking back then. The Pink Fog leads to poor choices, and drinking does not do anyone any good when it comes to life decisions.
When the fog would clear, even just for a short time, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. This was a different guilt compared to what I felt before I came out to her about not being honest with who I was.
Much of my guilt was from knowing how much I was asking from her when it came to who I was. She was dealing with a lot and her husband’s gender identity didn’t do anything to lessen the stress in her life.
So, I naively hoped that she would, well, LIKE this side of me. That she would LIKE having a crossdressing husband.
That maybe, just maybe, it would arousing to her.
Of course, this post (nor will any post) will not revel any information about the intimate aspects of our lives, but just like this side of me wasn’t erotic to me, this side of me wasn’t erotic to her.
Our partners LIKING this side of us is one thing. Accepting, understanding, tolerating this side of us are other things. Does my wife understand this side of me? Of course not. To be fair, I don’t understand this side of me either so it would be hypocritical if I expected her to.
(I think we want others to understand this side of us because we are hoping they can explain it to us.)
Does she tolerate this side of me? Obviously, but tolerating something is often associated with doing so begrudgingly. I don’t think she hates me, or thinks negatively about me BECAUSE of my gender identity or wardrobe.
Does she accept this side of me? Absolutely. She knows this is who I am and she knew what she was, for lack of a better term, what she was getting into when we were dating.
Of course, things have… progressed from when I identified as solely as a crossdresser but I was honest with her as I continued my journey.
Does she LIKE this side of me? That’s a little trickier. I think she likes that I feel content and at peace and fulfilled in my life. I think she likes that I have a major part of my life that brings me happiness and joy.
But does she like having a crossdressing/non-binary spouse? I think she likes having ME as her spouse and our partners are complicated, multifaceted people. At times it’s convenient and a plus to have Hannah around as sometimes my wife will borrow her jewelry or makeup and she knows that I can appreciate a cute outfit or can relate to how we feel about how we look.
But I don’t think many people would put “non-binary” at the top of the list when it comes to traits they want to find in a partner.
Our lives are complicated and are a lot to ask of our partners. It is not usually the crossdressing ITSELF that causes the stress, it’s the things that can often COME with crossdressing, such as getting lost in the pink fog and tuning out our partners and their feelings.
This side of us doesn’t simplify a relationship and it does not make things easier.
Does this side of me arouse her? Again, I am not discussing such a personal issue but it’s normal for us to WANT this side of us to arouse our partners.
I mean, that’s a bonus, right?? We LIKE lingerie and if our partners liked us in lingerie, how amazing would that be??
I think we want this for several reasons:
-We enjoy sharing or interests with the most important person in our lives
-It’s wonderful being a part of your partner’s sexual desires
-It lessens the guilt that we may feel about this side of us
What I mean by the third point here is that we all know how much of an ask this side of us is. When we come out we typically put our partners through hell. They are overwhelmed, they are questioning everything, and they are unsure of where all of this is going. In addition to all of that, they also need to somehow find a way to becoming accustomed to the thought and sight of their man in pink panties.
We likely feel guilt about keeping this side of us from our partners, but then a different guilt can come after that.
But hey, if they like this side of us, and I mean REALLY like this side of us, then we can frame this as a plus. As in, this turns her on and who doesn’t like being aroused? I’m doing her a favor.
But if there’s two things I’ve learned about fetishes/kinks/fantasies it’s that:
-You cannot bring something into the bedroom unless both people are consensual about whatever is happening. This includes communication, attire, roleplaying, and positions.
-This side of you is very unlikely to be erotic to your partner. Don’t expect it. Don’t keep asking them. Don’t force this side of you on them. Trust me, if it is arousing to your partner, they will PROBABLY tell you.
I get a lot of emails from partners and spouses of crossdressers. The common theme in all these messages is that they don’t feel listened to. Many partners are accepting of this side of them, but they have requested that they prefer that they do not wear lingerie during sexy time. Whether or not we feel that this is fair of them to ask, the point is that if our partners do not feel they are being heard, that is going to cause problems. This is an example of one’s crossdressing itself not being a problem, but the “not listening to your partner about ANYTHING” being the problem.
I’ve been told that by partners that they feel that their husband’s desire to wear lingerie is more important than what their spouse is feeling. Almost as if sex is an excuse/reason to wear lingerie as opposed to sex being an intimate and fun moment between two lovers.
Listen:
If your partner tells you that they don’t find this side of you erotic, that’s okay. Stop asking. Stop expecting it. If you feel guilty about how much stress this side of you causes, find a way to make this side of you worth it.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Hi Hannah,
I strongly disagree, talking about fishing never gets old!!!!!
Jodi
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Excellent advice. I know, because I made many of the mistakes and missteps you mention and perhaps a few more. Needless to say, our relationship did not survive.
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Hi Hannah,
This is a delightful and outstanding post! Another from you that is spot on, thought provoking, and presents very relatable scenarios. Reading this I laughed out loud at your humor, and reflected on my own moments of uncertainty, of hesitation, and of exuberance in dealing with ‘this’ part of my life. I look for your posts every morning, and on days when there isn’t a new one I always hope that perhaps that afternoon will bring the next one.
Your blog is such an excellent place of information and of support for any who have even the slightest connection to the delightful world of alternative approaches to life. Thank you for your terrific writing. Marissa in Ohio
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Okay. Time for some candid feedback. I understand that you are speaking from your experience and probably have good intentions here, but I don’t follow how one can share their experience of doing right by their spouse and themselves, reaffirming that there is nothing sexual about their own cross dressing experience, yet simultaneously post pictures of themselves on Twitter encouraging men to take notice resulting in negative attention. You then blog about the behavior of men that sexualize the trans community which many of us are trying to change the social stigma. No offense Hannah, but seems like a contradiction.I also see a lot of time being spent confirming your sexuality as a cross dresser which is not the case for all of us. Perhaps your organization should be called MN C-girls to focus on your specific experience or position. I do not see a lot of representation of everyone on the Trans spectrum.
Not trying to be hateful or mean spirited here and I know none of us are perfect. Providing a different perspective that I hope you can digest and take away something from.
I am not saying that the article itself is not helpful to others. I just think there is an opportunity to reflect on consistency in messaging as far as how you and the MN T-girls are supporting and building up the trans community.
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Hi!
I have never claimed to represent everyone on the trans spectrum. I think that would be very difficult! I know that we are all different, such as in our sexuality and where we are in our journey. If you don’t see yourself represented on a website, maybe start your own? I would love to read about your experiences. 🙂 I think you’ll find many others like yourself. That was my experience when I started my own. There are a lot of sites about people struggling with their gender identity but I felt very comfortable and secure with who I was and who I am. I started to write about my thoughts and found many others like myself, as well as many others who, well, aren’t like myself. Meeting others who aren’t like yourself is a wonderful way to gain perspective on the world.
My website is where I post my longer thoughts and is the best representation of who I am. My Twittering is more about a quick, random thought that ranges from feeling cute or confident or flirty or annoyed or tying into a silly theme, such as National Popcorn Day or whatever.
I like to write about how important and fun it is and/or can be to embrace and accept one’s gender identity (regardless where one is on the spectrum) but also the reality of how this side of us can and may impact others in our lives.
As for the MN T-Girls, our members identify in many different ways. Some are crossdressers, some are non-binary, some are gender fluid. The group is for anyone who feels that they can find support, friendship, and confidence with us. We are celebrating ten years next month so I think we’re successful in terms of having a strong group that is open to a wide spectrum of gender.
I don’t think I am fueling the sexual stigma of transgirls by posting pictures. I think men do that, lol. If I post a picture it’s up to the viewer how they react to that. There’s a big difference between commenting “cute picture!” and “I luv girls with something extra 😉 lol”.
And yes, I do come off as contradictory but people are multi-facetted. I do think about big important things BUT I also like to post pictures of myself. I can do both but I do tend to be sillier on Twitter and more thoughtful on my website.
Love, Hannah
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Thanks for another thought provoking and interesting post Hannah. I always thoroughly enjoy reading what you write.
I would agree over the whole guilt thing. I have had plenty of that over the years yet have been driven on with my albeit lingerie crossdressing despite all risks.
Identification is also interesting. Originally a heterosexual male just into crossdressing, I have accepted the shifting of that line towards bi tendencies that I frankly think have always been in there but just needed bringing out.
In the early years, finding a descriptor for what I was doing was a great help – i.e, that I was a ‘crossdresser’. It helped a great deal just to place it somewhere back then circa 2005.
For me, it is partly sexual, partly not, and accepting that Fiona is a huge part of me as a person.
Guilt comes from those points when those moments where kink isn’t so dominant. I cannot ‘come out’ – it just isn’t possible – I’m hiding all facets of my kinks, i have borrowed items, albeit that my s/o hasnt worn but owns – probably those that I boughtbfor her with a partly ulterior motive, I’m lying and/or not being honest to my nearest and dearest who I know would be a million percent intolerant to the extreme given the things I hear them say about aspects of the LGBTQI+ community and above all, despite the fact I have a trans sibling.
For example, I remember many years ago, putting on some stockings (from her drawer), pulling on some jeans and sitting alongside her on the sofa. She casually touched my leg, felt the suspenders and very quietly and calmly asked me to go and take them off. I’m surprised that this didn’t resonate when I was caught in a partial state of crossdress several years later but lived to tell the tale, in panic having cited issues with my sibling’s transition to counter the fierce and angry objections.
It must be an awful experience to build up to coming out. The anticipation, the nerves, the courage to do so, but the relief must be monumental to be met with any remotest degree of acceptance. I guess most who find themselves in that position naturally fear the worst from the outset. Anything else is, perhaps, a bonus.
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Hannah. My comment was out of concern that how you are depicting some of the Trans community and the content and words that you present does leave an impression on readers and those outside of our community. Although you are not responsible for what your readers take away, I disagree with you that you don’t have an obligation of taking a higher morale ground when it comes to how the world and our community is viewed, and how each of us can help remove the demonization of sexuality and stigmatism within the LGBTQ community. Stating that you don’t appreciate when a man emails you with sexual requests, but posting a picture that suggests you are in bondage or are somehow a dominatrix is in my opinion a double standard. “Come on boys” and asking men to buy you clothes to wear so you will post a picture does set cross dressers and trans individuals back in the dark ages. And you wonder why men are ema you? Maybe it is a strategy that is good for your sponsors and getting hits on your website , but how does it fit in with the mission of the MN T-girls to support and encourage one another to fit in to society? I only see MN T-girls referenced in Hannah McKnight.org. I assume that what you post on your website and other sites is a reflection of who you are and the organization you represent.
Many think cross dressing is narcissistic. Perhaps you are right in that your website is limited to a place to share you ideas and photos which is perfectly fine. My hope is that someone does take the reigns to develop a local organization that is more inclusive and represents a wider swath who we are. We already have to much segmentation and lack of inclusion going on in this country.
I hope you are able to pause and digest this feedback. If not, at least I have shared my thoughts with you.
Thank you for considering my words.
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Hi!
I don’t think anyone does, or should, speak for an entire community. And I don’t think anyone looks at me as the spokeswoman for us. I wouldn’t want that responsibility.
I appreciate your concern for who is representing any community, but I don’t represent anyone other than myself… even if others think that I do or would like me to.
Anyone can be a voice for a community. All it takes is a social media account or a blog.
I represent myself. I don’t claim to speak for anyone else, not even the MN T-Girls. I just organize events based on what the girls tell me what they think is fun. I would disagree with you that the mission of the group is to fit into society. Rather, the goal, albeit a lofty one, is to show the world that we are a part of it. Fitting into society feels like assimilation or conforming. I don’t think the transcommunity should do that. I think the world needs to acknowledge that we are part of the world.
There’s not a single cisgender woman that speaks for all women. Different women do different things, whether it’s modeling lingerie, working as a senator, or raising kids. I don’t think anyone expects any of the women in these examples to speak for an entire gender. Our community is no different. I write about different things than Stana and neither of us represent anyone else besides ourselves. My life is different than RuPaul’s and Caitlyn Jenner’s but we are part of the spectrum.
We are all ambassadors of the human race, in a way. We are all ambassadors, if you will, of the transcommunity. Some t-girls have said that they are bothered by other t-girls that focus on the political/social justice aspects of our community. Others have said that some t-girls, don’t take all of this serious enough. Some t-girls hate drag queens. Some t-girls hate those who identify as crossdressers. Some t-girls hate me. No one can speak for all of us, and there’s some wonderful leaders in our community that focus on different aspects. I like to talk about how fun embracing your gender identity is. Others talk about the persecution our community faces. The stuff we talk about. like the transgender community itself, again, is a spectrum.
As for playful tweets, they are simply that. I like being flirty and a little overly confident of myself. But I don’t responsibility for how men react to that. A girl can wear what she wants and say what she wants, and there’s nothing she says or does or wears that makes crude remarks acceptable. Consent is crucial.
The sexualization of our community has been around for a very long time and likely will be for a long time. I don’t see that changing anytime soon or… ever.
Like yourself, I would love to see more organizations for our community. It sounds like you have a very clear idea what that could look like. Have you considered starting one? I’d love to help if you think I could be useful.
Love, Hannah
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In the words of Shakespeare, me thinks you doth protest too much.
Hannah has a long history of writing substantial, thoughtful posts, read by many like me. She started a group to give herself and others an opportunity to socialize. Yet you are throwing shade at her for having a venue to state her opinions, opinions she believes (and I agree) will help others.
It’s doubtful that most who stigmatize the Transgender community are reading blogs like this. They are getting their hatred from other sources–these days, often Republican voices.
As to the playful Tweets, the vast majority of those out in reader land would absolutely love to have the courage and opportunity to do so. Yes, there are individuals (mostly men) who are sexually attracted to individuals on the Transgender spectrum. You know what? Those guys likely had no more control over their sexual urges than we who like to dress have over our desire to dress. We all have our quirks and individuality. And for transwomen who are sexually and/or romantically interested in men, having a population of men interested in transwomen is a good thing!
Hannah, as always, keep up the good work.
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Hannah,
Appreciate the additional context. Thank you for correcting me on my comment about the trans community needing to fit in. Assimilation was not intended in my choice of words. Although we don’t see eye to eye on everything, that is okay. The important thing is to be able to have open dialogue. My perception on some topics is going to be different than yours as my experiences have been different. I certainly wasn’t implying that you are the face of the entire trans community, but you are part of the community using your platform and representing businesses that cater to the trans community. I agree with some things you’ve written in your blogs. When it comes to taking a light stance on addressing negative and hurtful treatment of the transgender community, my tolerance is more fragile. Much like people that think pornography is not condoning the sex trade industry. By toying with those that do see trans individuals as sex objects is adding fuel to the fire even if it is for entertainment, attention, or to stir the pot. You are pretty enough without having to solicit responses from those people that don’t respect us. Think about the person that has been sexually abused, raped, molested, or used by others for sex. As you have stated, our desire for sex in itself is not bad as long as it is consensual and not hurtful to others. It’s the stereotypes and hate that prevent some people from coming out and pursuing that level of relationship openly due to fear of rejection, ridicule, and even violence or death.
I will let you get the last word in :). I appreciate you but will need to close my computer depending on your future headlines. LOL. By the way, you do state an objective in your website for the MN T-girls to support transgender individuals. Would like to see more content about that. Just looking for more representation.
Peace
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Hi!
I am not interested in “the last word” and I appreciate your thoughtful perspective.
I think we all want to see more representation and I feel that if someone feels that they are not being represented then I hope they speak up if they feel ready to do so. They could start a free blog and I am open to publishing someone’s perspective on my own.
As for soliciting comments, I see your point, however my tweets are not directed at one one person or any group specifically. I just write something and people make the decision if and how they choose to respond. If someone messages me on an individual basis, then I respond to that specific person as well as those specific words.
You write very well and you express your thoughts in a very clear way that makes an impression. It also feels as if you have a very clear idea about who is not being represented and I would encourage you to write your own blog or at the very least, invite you to contribute an article here.
Love, Hannah
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Hannah, I for one find your posts very thought provoking, spot on and more often than not totally encapsulating my experiences with an uncanny amount of accuracy. I enjoy your thoughts and always look forward to reading your posts. I think we all are looking for representation in most cases just to try to answer the questions: why do i do this? Am I alone in this? Am I just weird? Seeing your posts time and time again I think gives some of us validation that we are not alone in figuring these things out ( it certainly does for me). Thank you so much for your insights and for making this “thing of ours” just a little bit more understandable.
Beth
(P.S. rest assured if alot of us Iooked half as good as you do we’d probably post pics on twitter too! )
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