The Importance of Validation

If there’s one thing I try to communicate to others it’s that you don’t know what someone else thinks of you.

I mean, you can ASK them but for me I think there’s about five people in my life that I value and listen to when it comes to their opinion and perspective. It’s not that I disregard or ignore the thoughts or advice of everyone else, but my circle is relatively small and I feel the best perspectives about the things I need the most help with need to come from the people I interact with the most. The people who know me best.

My wife, obviously. My sisters, my therapist, even my boss. And that’s about it.

I am not suggesting that I can easily ignore criticism from others. If anything, I do listen and then ask my wife about their perspective. Sometimes an off-hand comment or observation from someone you barely know can really shape your life.

I think when it comes to going out en femme there are many reasons we are, or were, nervous about doing so. But I think the biggest thing that held us back was being unsure what others would think.

Am I pretty enough? Do they think I pass? What will the cashier at Victoria’s Secret think about me?

But the reality is that you don’t know. You’ll never know. In all the years I’ve been going out no one has ever come up to me to tell me what they think of me… unless it was something nice such as a compliment on my dress or heels.

I’ve learned people are either indifferent or they are kind. I mean, yes, there are cruel people out there, but if someone will go out of their way to tell you something, it is almost always to tell you something nice.

Besides, passing isn’t real anyway.

I suppose I COULD start randomly walking up to people to ask their opinion but:

1. that’s weird
2. no one does that
3. what’s the point

Someone wrote that what someone else thinks of you is none of your business and my God isn’t that brilliant?

Why are other’s thoughts so important? Why do we think they are? I think it comes down to validation. Which can also include self-esteem.

This side of us can be very humbling. The first time we do makeup we probably look, well, not so pretty. We are humbled by the skill itself, but we are also humbled by how we don’t look as pretty as we hoped. We are humbled when we stumble in stilettos, when a dress doesn’t fit… our self-esteem can be in a million broken pieces even before we even leave the house.

This is not us being shallow. This is us having a vision what SHE looks like. This is us attempting to look like the girl in our heart when we look into the mirror.

The truth is that we won’t look like the vision we have. But you will look like you. I used to daydream about looking like Elizabeth Hurley but I don’t. I never did and I never will. But I look exactly like Hannah McKnight.

Validation works in a few ways. One is “you matter. You have a right to exist, to be here. You are important.”

I also think that validation will reinforce or confirm what we think about ourselves.

If I think I look cute and my wife says so, then boom, someone smarter than me, and someone who has more experience in, well, presenting femme, reinforces what I am thinking and feeling.

If I try an outfit and I’m not sure if it works, I can ask her and she’ll either agree with me or her reassurance will boost my confidence.

But a common mistake that we make is thinking that validation only comes from other people.

It doesn’t have to, and we shouldn’t become dependent on anything outside of our control when it comes to how we feel about ourselves. You CAN control the clothes you wear and how you do makeup but you can’t (and shouldn’t) control what others think of you.

It’s not unlike drinking. Some people drink becomes it gives them an inflated sense of self-esteem.

I don’t let some rando at the mall or a troll online influence my self-esteem. I don’t turn to anyone for validation (when it comes to presentation) outside of my wife, my makeup artist, and my photographer.

That’s not to say I don’t appreciate compliments. This is not to say I don’t listen to criticism.

But what most people say or write about me has very little impact on how I think about myself. For the most part.

It’s really easy and normal for someone to post something mean online. Anonymity is for cowards. Someone saying “ur ugly lol” means nothing to me. Someone saying “that dress is a cute color but it’s not YOUR color” means a lot more. This is kind and meant to be helpful.

We want validation for a couple of reasons. Well maybe more than a couple. One reason is again, to confirm or reinforce what we’re already thinking or feeling.

The other is validation can help someone overcome all of their negative feelings. Of course, overcoming negative feelings SOUNDS great, but validation from someone other than ourselves will prove to be temporary and becomes dependent on others.

I was a mess emotionally when I was in my late teens and early twenties. My parents were going through a nasty divorce and my father is/was a very abusive person. I say was not because he, well, reformed, but because I have no idea if he’s still alive. If that sounds insensitive to you then you likely never grew up with an abusive parent.

Trauma aside, my self-esteem was trash and I become very co-dependent on whomever I was dating. I needed that person to love me, to be with me, because it meant I was worthy of love. A relationship that has that aspect is doomed.

A relationship that is dependent on something will cease when that thing ceases to exist. Sometimes the relationship in question is the one you have with yourself.

I craved relationships because it was the only way I would feel good about myself. If no one loved me, then I was unlovable. If I was dating someone, then I felt validated. After all, they wouldn’t date me if I wasn’t worth dating, right? I must have SOME redeeming qualities, right?

It took a decade, give or take, along with therapy, to stop seeking outside validation.

And then along came Hannah McKnight.

I was fine, for the most part, self-esteem wise. But as I mentioned earlier, this side of of us is humbling. It didn’t take long for me, a relatively secure person, to feel like the ugliest girl in the world.

All of a sudden validation was the most important thing in the world. I NEEDED randos online telling me I was pretty. I needed attention. A negative comment KILLED me.

This perceived need wasn’t only about self-esteem, though. Part of it was also “am I doing this right??” I mean, this was a whole new THING. Was I doing my makeup okay? Was I standing okay? Was I walking in heels and a skirt okay? Did I pick my outfit okay? It’s not unlike being trained at a new job and I missed orientation.

And then things slowly changed. I felt more comfortable dressed, I got used to being out, my wife patiently advised me, and encouragement from other t-girls helped. I was on the right track, or at least pointed in the right direction.

The need for validation started to fade away.

I got to thinking about all this after a recent post. In it I suggested that some of us want to have sex with men as a means of validation. I wrote some of us like to be sexual with a man when we are en femme because it makes us feel more “like a woman”. As in “a straight man is having sex with ME! Straight men have sex with women, ergo he sees me as a woman.” The sex might have little to do with the actual, physical moment, but possibly much to do with feeling validated in our femme presentation

I still think this but after I posted it, as I am wont to do, I wondered if I hadn’t written this as well as I could have. I wondered if I was dismissive of the need for validation. Almost as if I wasn’t acknowledging the importance of it.

Listen:

I wrote at the beginning of this post that validation can be different things and can come in different directions. If you only feel validated in your presentation when validation comes from others, I encourage you to find a way to feel loved, secure, and beautiful from yourself. Compliments and gestures are wonderful, but I know firsthand how one’s self-esteem can take a hit if you only feel loved and validated when it comes from others.

Or in the words of the brilliant blues musician Keb’ Mo’:

And if nobody loves you
And you feel like dust on an empty shelf
Just remember
You can love yourself

Love, Hannah