Wearing the Tiara

The MN T-Girls are celebrating ten years this month.

I think this is pretty cool.

It’s normal to look back over the years when one arrives at a milestone. I’ve learned a lot about what works, what doesn’t, how to lead, how to organize… but I’ve also learned a lot about creating a space for girls like us when it comes to safety and what others are comfortable doing.

Like walking on ice in stilettos, I’ve learned a lot about this by doing. Some events have been very popular, others not so much. It’s impossible to try to plan a monthly event that EVERY girl wants to attend, so I don’t attempt that. Some girls are more comfortable in going to LGBTQ+ establishments, such as a queer nightclub, others want to avoid the bar scene. My guiding light, if you will, is planning events that I think are fun, whether it’s shopping or meeting for a coffee. Regardless of what we do, there’s always at least one girl who also wants to go shopping or meet for a coffee.

And really, if the particular event isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (or cup of coffee), we’ll be doing something different in a few weeks.

I’ve also learned a lot about groups like ours from other groups like this. The Twin Cities has seen a number of different groups over the years and some are still going strong, and some have just faded away. I’ve learned what can contribute to the longevity by observing other groups and talking to former and current members of other organizations.

Leadership is key, obviously. Someone needs to wear the tiara. I know that one day I will have to step aside from leading the group and I really hope that the group continues after that happens. It would be nice to see the MN T-Girls live on. I think that would be a nice legacy. To have created something that I believe in exist without me.

I talk to other girls who lead similar groups in different cities. Some groups are going very strong and membership is growing and the events are getting bigger, but the opposite is happening too. It’s hard to not compare what a certain group is doing with the MN T-Girls. During Pride I saw a lot of other support/social groups that seem to be very well organized with a lot of engagement. Real leaders in our community. It wasn’t jealousy I felt, but more along the lines of inspiration.

Sometimes I want the scope of the group to expand and do more in the community, other times I think we should keep doing what works for us. I think we have a particular, but valuable group. We still maintain the goal I had when we started which is a group of t-girls doing normal everyday things in the real world. Do we really need to do any more than that?

I mean, we COULD. We could do volunteer events for different charities. In the past when I’ve casually mentioned this to members of the group it’s not been met with toooooo much enthusiasm. And I get it, I suppose. We were founded as a social/support group and it’s probably best we stay as such.

Also, the group is very diverse when it comes to different perspectives on social and political issues and I don’t want to do something as an “official” MN T-Girls event that might be perceived as an endorsement of… something.

For example! I thought it might be interesting to reach out to a recently elected representative who identifies as trans to see if we could organize a tour of the state capital or something. I think it’s important to celebrate achievements of others like us. BUT when I floated this idea to a few members it landed like a ton of bricks. Since the representative in question belonged to a certain political party, the group members who belonged to a different party were very opposed to “taking a side” in politics.

But to be clear this idea wasn’t about political parties, it was about supporting someone from the transgender community.

The pushback was fair enough, I suppose. I am not shy about my liberal leanings but I guess I should keep my views separate from the group. The group exists for others, not as an extension of my values.

As this anniversary approaches, it’s natural to think about, well, the condition of the group. What I mean is that a group of people, since it is made up OF individual people, will be shaped by the whims, the desires, the fears, the emotions, the goals of the people themselves. The MN T-Girls will exist (if I have any say about it) as long as the NEED for the group exists.

What I mean is that some MN T-Girls don’t need the MN T-Girls anymore. Some have joined to meet friends and to get comfortable in going out en femme. But as they become more accustomed to strutting out, they realize that they don’t need a group to go out. They have found the confidence to face the world.

And I think that’s wonderful. I like to think that for those girls that the group has helped with that and that is really the goal of the group: to help a t-girl with the scary step of going from their living to the mall or anywhere they wish.

Obviously the group has grown significantly over the past ten years. It’s not unrealistic to assume that the trend will continue but we all know that’s not likely. A corporation doesn’t always see year over year growth, for example. A business or a musician can be at the top of the world in terms of profitability or celebrity status but fame is fickle and industries change.

When it comes to the MN T-Girls, membership is always in flux. Sometimes I will see a week where several girls join but the next week I will get the same number asking to be removed from the mailing list.

Sometimes I am told why they are stepping away from the group, but not always. Sometimes the reason is what I mentioned before where they no longer need the group, or they are moving out of state. Sometimes a member quits because they are trying to, well, not be who they are. Sometimes a member quits because they don’t like the way the group is run.

I’m a big girl and I can handle criticism. If I had thin skin then being the head of a social/support group wouldn’t be smart.

As mentioned, I do chat with other t-girls who run similar groups in other cities and we talk about the challenges and the realities about what we do. We talk about event ideas, what works, what doesn’t, all of that. But it’s not uncommon to talk about dwindling engagement.

I look at the MN T-Girls in two different time periods: Before and After the pandemic.

I think the events, for the most part, were more heavily attended prior to COVID compared to now. The pandemic impacted everyone in different ways. The group saw membership grow during this time. This was due to a lot of us being stuck at home and having more time to dress and reflect on this side of us.

Because of the growing membership and the need for so many of us to get out of the house, I had expected the events to be more heavily attended once the pandemic ended. But that didn’t happen.

I think this was due to two reasons:

1. I had paused events twice during the pandemic. In the early days of the pandemic there was simply no place to go. As the months passed and masks and social distancing became more of the norm business started to adjust and reopen. The weather also improved so we could start meeting up again and we could have outdoor activities such as coffee on a patio. When winter returned later that year I had paused events once again. If I recall correctly, both of these pauses lasted about three months. Making the decision to suspend events was the smart choice and I would do it again. However, I received a ton of pushback due to this. Many girls quit as a result of the pause. The reason was that many girls didn’t believe that COVID was a real thing and I was just brainwashed by the media. Some girls felt I was taking sides in a politically charged topic.
2. Many people turned to the internet during the pandemic. We relied on it for Zoom meetings or to stream a movie or for other distractions. Many t-girls took to social media for support and friendship. I think this method of connecting more or less filled the need that many t-girls had when it came to support. Of course how one finds support and friendship is irrelevant, as long as they find it. We need friends. Other group leaders have shared this perspective with me and they feel that the internet has replaced the need for in-person gatherings.

I am not criticizing anyone in how they find support or how they connect with others or with a community. It’s just… it is what it is. I don’t feel that the MN T-Girls are… in competition with the internet or even with other support groups. It’s not like the group is trying to turn a profit or anything like that. The group’s success is measured by the happiness of an individual member. If someone doesn’t like the events we do, well, the group failed them. If someone feels that the group helped them in any way, then the group was successful.

Of course, not every group is going to be a good fit for every person who joins. I know this. Hopefully if the MN T-Girls isn’t right for a member they are able to find support through another group.

I do wonder how the group can be more appealing to our members. I love getting suggestions or requests from the group as they inspire future events. I love seeing a girl attend an event for the first time. There are girls who joined years ago who have yet to make an event but when they are ready… well, it’s a beautiful thing.

In terms of demographic, our members tend to be my age or older. The girls who are under forty years are outnumbered by girls who are older than than that. I used to wonder why that was but I think it’s due to two reasons:

1. It takes a long time for some of us to get to the point where we have embraced who we are and are ready to strut out into the world. I don’t think I would have been ready to join a group like this when I was in my twenties.
2. The younger generation is a lot more open-minded and accepting when it comes to queerness. The support someone needs is already there with their current circle of friends. Why join a group when your friends already know about your gender identity?

It’s hard to ignore that the group isn’t growing at the rate it used to. It’s easy to assume that this will continue. Perhaps it’s pessimistic but I don’t see the group continuing once I step aside (not that I am planning on doing this but I am not going to live forever). Running a group like this is a lot of work and I completely understand if someone doesn’t feel like taking it on.

This leaves me with knowing that I might someday need to make a choice about the group. Will I one day end the group? Will the group celebrate another decade in the future? Will I perhaps explore “merging” the group with another organization? These are things I think and overthink about.

All things end. But being to end something on your own terms is important. I sometimes think about authors who are writing a book but pass away before it’s finished. I think about musicians who decide to retire and put their affairs in order so their relatives don’t have to. I suppose what I mean is that if and when the MN T-Girls end, I hope that ending comes with grace and by design. Some groups just… sputter out and die a slow death. I hope that this doesn’t happen with us. I have put a lot of love and work into the group. All of the members have. I don’t want to see something deteriorate, you know?

But goodness this is all depressing, isn’t it? I don’t mean to be but I like to be transparent and honest with ya’ll. But I am not going anywhere anytime soon, and neither is the group. I look forward to our celebrations in two weeks and I am honored to be a part of such a wonderful group.

Love, Hannah