And Then What?

“The only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.”

– Aristotle

I mean… damn. He was right, wasn’t he?

I can’t speak for everyone but the thought of doing nothing, saying nothing, and being nothing sounds terrifying and depressing at the same time.

Almost everything I do when it comes to my gender identity is a risk. Panties under boy clothes, looking at dresses at a store when I am in male mode, going out en femme, and of course this website. A zillion things could happen that would out me to someone.

Some days carry a higher risk than others. I am not planning on leaving the house at ALL today but tomorrow I’ll be at the annual MN T-Girls holiday party so the risk of being seen and recognized ticks up a bit.

Posting photos is a different risk. My pictures are on my website, my Flickr page, and Twitter/X. If you stumble across a photo of me it’s likely because you were intentionally seeking material about t-girls.

Buuuuuut the internet is FOREVER. There’s no way I could erase every single image of me since it’s very easy to right-click and save the photo and re-upload it somewhere else. Once something is on this cursed thing, it has the potential and the risk of being seen by someone you would prefer not to.

Going out en femme is wonderful. Buuuuut every single one of us had a least some level of trepidation before we first strutted out into the real world. It’s likely many of us have that same apprehension even after a thousand adventures out.

When we first get the itch to go out or post a photo or wear that cute bra and panty set under our boy clothes, we likely start to think “what if someone sees me??”. This is completely normal. Annnnnd more than likely as soon as that thought barges into our daydreaming we shove that desire to go out back into heart.

Buuuut that daydream slowly makes it way back into our soul.

Annnnd the “what if someone sees me??” once again kicks that daydream right back to where it came from.

This relatable and annoying cycle repeats again and again and again.

How does this cycle break?

I’ll tell you.

It has NOTHING to do with the world and it has NOTHING to do with the world’s attitude towards gender non-conforming people. The world, as a whole, will not come to the conclusion that someone can wear whatever they want, regardless of what their genitalia is.

We can’t wait at home, dressed to kill, for the entire human population to accept us. That isn’t happening.

How we do this is a simple (well, not really) deviation from that never-ending circle of wanting to be who we are and the voice that makes us afraid to live authentically.

The chorus of “what if, what if, what if” is constantly ringing in our head, our heart, and our soul the second we consider taking a risk.

We are constantly filling ourselves with every possible outcome for every pretty thing we wish to wear and with everything we wish to do.

Buuuut we can break that circle. When we think “what if” we likely fill in the next part with, well, SOMETHING.

What if a family member sees me?

What if my bra strap is visible under my boy clothes?

What if I get a flat tire?

What if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if

A therapist told me I spend too much time creating scenarios in my head that, although plausible, and not enough time preparing for them. Sometimes replacing “if” with “when” makes a huge difference.

For example!

For years I worried about losing my job. I had an irrational fear of missing a goal or messing up a project to the point where my employment would be in jeopardy. I had so many scenarios in my head that consumed me. My therapist would listen to these thoughts as I would walk her through the step-by-step process of how a small mistake would snowball into unemployment.

She continued my methodical thinking and would ask me “and then what?”.

I thought about it and told her I would get a new one.

The idea behind this was that yes, things COULD happen but things that COULD happen CAN be addressed and, well, resolved. I just needed to think about what my options would be IF and WHEN something bad happened.

I applied that thinking to Hannah. Instead of saying to myself what I will do IF someone sees me, I replaced that thought with what will I do WHEN someone sees me.

This is not to say that someone seeing me is inevitable. What I mean is that IF something happens in life, regardless of what it is, that something will trigger a reaction. It may be a small ripple or it might be a something that alters a life forever.

We can’t control how someone else will react to our gender identity. That’s completely on them. If who we are influences how they think and feel about us, well, that sucks for them. I don’t think one’s identity, gender or anything else, should be a determining factor when it comes to how you feel about someone else.

If someone decides to end a friendship with me because of my gender identity then I don’t think my life will be any poorer for that. I don’t want to be friends with someone where my gender identity influences how they feel about me.

Anyway, back to therapy’s lesson.

If/when someone sees me out en femme… then what?

I suppose I will have to have ‘the talk’ despite not wanting to. Life isn’t about always going in the directions that we wish it to. We often have to have discussions, about a myriad of topics, that we would prefer not to.

If/when someone sees ‘Victoria’s Secret’ printed on the waistband of my panties peeking out from under my jeans… then what?

Well, I MIGHT have ‘the talk’ but the more I think about this scenario I don’t see it happening. People usually don’t comment on the underwear that other people wear. It’s not like I would ask my buddy “oh, are those Calvin Klein boxers?”. Underwear, for the most part, is not meant to be seen by others and when it IS inadvertently seen, most people (I feel) are polite enough not to bring it up.

I mean, of course I have this perspective. I know what I wear and I know that what I wear is not something I would like to be public knowledge.

It’s not like someone is going to say “dude are you wearing panties?”. I suppose that could happen but I don’t think it’s very likely. I suppose people COULD gossip about this revelation but that’s a topic for another day.

Which is good because I feel more prepared to have a conversation about my gender identity than what I wear under my boy clothes. I also think I would be more… open? More civil? when it comes to gender identity compared to my crossdressing.

What I mean is that although gender identity can and is a very complex and nuanced part of someone, I almost think it’s easier to discuss than why I wear panties in male mode. I would be more open to talking about my gender identity and I feel I would be more likely to say “mind your own fucking business” about panties under boy clothes.

And now that I think about it, given my tendency to overexplain and my desire to be understood (as much as possible) I would likely want to discuss gender identity and Hannah if someone noticed panties under boy clothes.

The endless scenarios we imagine about going out en femme are not limited to being seen by someone in our male lives. They usually include things like car trouble or wardrobe malfunctions or being read.