A Tiny Little Rant for Friday

I read once that “transgender” is often used as an adjective. A term to describe a person or an object.

And I vibe with that.

I am a transgender girl. I am a tall girl. I am a transgender girl. I am an autistic girl. I am a transgender girl. 

And so on. 

Sometimes when others use the t-word it is often with… hm, an agenda. 

“Transgender woman elected mayor” might be a headline. Is the fact that she is transgender relevant? It might be. If that statement is from a website dedicated to celebrating accomplishments by LGBTQ+ folks, then yes. The website is (likely) bring attention to an achievement by a transwoman. Yay!

If this is a headline on an ultra-conservative news program, than it probably has an agenda meant to cause alarm and get people whipped up into a frenzy about wokeness (wokeness, from what I can tell, is when an opportunity is given to anyone that’s not a white, cisgender male). The reporting might venture into speculation about new laws that might be passed based on “the transgender agenda” or likely jokes about the new mayor’s gender identity.

When I hear or read of someone being identified as transgender I begin to speculate if their gender identity is relevant or not. If it’s not, then I wonder what the “agenda” is, so to speak.

Essentially why does the newspaper or whatever feel that the person’s gender or sexual identity needs to be reported? It’s likely because there is a goal, an agenda. In most cases the agenda is to either celebrate or cause alarm. 

So, where am I going with this? I got to thinking about all this as I read the comments on a recent Ask Hannah! post.

And if the boy who wrote asked this question is reading this, please know that I’m not judging or attacking you or attempting to humiliate you. It’s unlikely someone gets the whole picture just from a couple of sentences and it’s not uncommon for someone to word something that perhaps could and should have been worded differently. This post is not to criticize you specifically but your question sparked a lot of spirited comments and emails.

Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that it’s possible I may be misinterpreting the asker’s question and/or intentions. Again, this isn’t a post directed at the asker, this post is more about men on a broader scale who want to be romantically, intimately, or sexual acquainted with a transgirl.

When I get an email or a message that says “I am attracted to transwomen” or “I’ve always wanted to fuck a transwoman” (and yes, I get that second statement more often that you would think. It’s… ah, not a compliment but at least they got right to the point?). Of course I don’t really engage with them after they make their intentions clear, but I do think about their, well, agenda.

I mean, obviously their agenda is to be involved with a transwoman, but why transgender women? Why transwomen specifically?

So, I ask them. Sometimes.

Some men tell me that they like tall women.

I suppose. But not at all transwomen are tall and there are a lot of tall cisgender girls.

Some men tell me that they like fashionable women. 

Again, not at all transwomen are fashionable and there a lot of fashionable cisgender girls.

I mean, if you like tall women or fashionable women, why not say you like tall women or fashionable women? Why use the adjective “transgender”?

I admit I am likely generalizing here but I suspect that he likely fetishizes transwomen or he is curious about being intimate with someone who has or have had a penis and, well, if he’s intimate with a girl that has a penis it makes it “less gay” or whatever.

The asker made it a point to mention that they are bisexual. I don’t think sexual identity is relevant in most conversations and honestly most men who proposition me will tell me the same thing. In my opinion, they are going out of their way to let me know that they are open to interested in being intimate with someone who is male. Which is kinda weird when they are shooting their shot with a girl. 

(And there’s nothing wrong with being with being curious about sexy time with someone who may have the same genitalia as yourself. Just so we’re clear.)

If you identify as male, and you are flirting with a girl, then it’s not “gay”… even if the girl has or had a penis. 

Someone telling me that they are bi or bi-curious or heteroflexible is, to me, essentially saying that “I view you as someone who has certain genitalia and I am open to having intimate time with someone who has the same genitalia that I have.”

All of US, meaning humans, are more than our genitalia.

I get so many messages and emails from men who want to talk about my penis or their penis. I can’t imagine a more inappropriate topic for a random person to bring up and I can’t imagine a more boring thing to discuss.

I received more than one email after my response telling me that I was a little harsh or unfair in my response. And I acknowledged that in my reply to the asker. In my defense, people react to situations based on their own experiences and I was influenced by my experiences in my response. 

As I mentioned, I have men who proposition me on a fairly regular basis. It’s pretty normal for me to wake up and go through my Twitter DMs and block men who worked up the courage to send a photo of their penis overnight. 

The men who aren’t as… forthright tend to test the waters, if you will. They start with the incredibly original and well written questions of “how u” and “wat r u doin”. 

And this is going off into a little bit of a rant but let’s roll with it. I wonder what these men think I’m doing? 99% of the time I’m working. 

But I digress. For now. 

Anyway, these riveting conversations goes back and forth for what feels like forever until they tell me one of two things:

1. I secretly crossdress
2. I want to meet you

We’ll save the first revelation for a future post but when a man wants to meet me I respond with “No <3”. 

I add the heart emoji because I am trying to soften my response a bit. They shot their shot and I’ll let them down gently. 

But I don’t know why I bother. Most of the time their response is “y”.

And girl this drives me mad. I have very strict boundaries and it annoys me when I feel as if a boundary isn’t respected. I mean, “no” is pretty clear, isn’t it? A girl doesn’t need to explain or justify her response. Unless I block them immediately I tell them I am married and I have no interest in meeting anyone.

I mean, all of these guys live in a completely different part of the world. Are they planning on flying to Minnesota just to meet me? I mean, probably not. They are hoping to fly to Minnesota to fuck me. I know this because they tell me this.

(And yes, I know, not all men.)

From here it goes into three different directions most of the time.

a) they back off

b) they challenge my response

c) they shoot their final shot, their Hail Mary, if you will.

Their Hail Mary is usually telling me that they love transwomen and almost always share their most intimate fantasies.

In my experience, every man who has made it their “romantic” intentions clear has specifically mentioned my penis. 

So yes, I feel objectified. I feel fetishized. It seems that their attraction to transwomen has to do with what she has in her panties. 

We are not here to help you fulfill your fantasies. To satisfy your curiosity. 

And look, in their defense, there are girls out there, both cisgender and transgender, that would love to hear someone else’s sexual fantasy. What annoys me is the presumption that all t-girls want to discuss sex. What annoys me is when “no” isn’t the end of the conversation.

And! To be clear, me posting a photo wearing lingerie does NOT mean I am open to sexy talk. What a girl wears is NOT signaling that certain conversations are always appropriate.

Again, people tend to react to situations based on previous, similar situations. And I am no different. Every. single. email and message I have received from men who tell me they want to meet and date transgender women have eventually told me that they want to fuck me or they want me to fuck them.

Am I being unfair? Well, no. My perspective is based on my experiences. Again, I acknowledge that not every man in the world who likes transwomen likes us because we might have a penis but I’ve yet to be propositioned by a man who tells me they like transwomen that doesn’t mention my genitalia.

So, please understand that yes, it’s possible that some men out there truly like transwomen for reasons other than what I have been told, but based on my experiences I haven’t met any.

If my response was harsh or unfair, please know that I acknowledge that the asker is very possibly not fetishizing girls like us, but when someone uses the verb “transgender” to describe the women they are hoping to meet, I immediately wonder why. 

Love, Hannah