And in that Stillness…

…There was a freedom I never felt before

-Sarah McLachlan

This is the last picture set from the photo shoot I did waaaaaay back in October of 2023.

It’s funny how something that occurred just a few months ago feels like forever, but I can remember moments from decades past that seemed like they happened yesterday.

That’s perhaps a little more profound than I want to be on a Sunday morning but there you have it.

This picture set is being posted last of this session because I didn’t know what to say about this outfit that I didn’t say already, but let’s see what I can come up with.

So, this set is lingerie. See?

It’s a very pretty set. 

Time marches on no matter how one lives their life. You can do nothing or you can pursue amazing things over the course of a year but the passage of the twelve months is going to happen whether or not you do nothing or do everything. It all comes down to what we choose to do with our time.

And I THINK that’s a line from The Lord of the Rings.

We can change over time, but it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes we don’t know notice change until we pause and look back to see and appreciate how far we’ve come. This is when we have to choose how we measure change or progress. Am I financially better off than I was ten years ago? God no. Am I more at peace? Absolutely.

Which is better? It depends on the day, if I am being honest. I am at a crossroads of sort when it comes to my career. I really like my job, more than I have in a while. Therapy helps keeps things in perspective, AND my boss is also in therapy and I’ve seen a significant change in him which has made working for him, and working with him, a lot easier, despite the challenges I had with him about a year or so ago. 

But I have to make a decision soon if I want to stay where I am or pursue another job which would pay more. 

It’s pretty much the devil I know versus the devil I don’t.

Where was I? Oh, right.

When it comes to my gender identity, my physical appearance plays a more significant part of my self-esteem than I am used to. Not that it should, mind you. When presenting as male I barely give a second thought to how I look. I am not a slob by any means, but as long as my facial hair isn’t too scruffy and I look presentable (of course, where I am going plays a part) than I don’t think about how HE looks. As long as my wife says the shirt I picked out is good then I am content. The standards for male presentation have a very low bar.

I can change, and I have changed, how I look. Some changes have involved weight loss or the quality of the wig I invest in. But these modifications can only go so far. If I don’t FEEL cute, no matter my dress size or how amazing my makeover is, then nothing else matters. 

There are some things I can’t control. I can’t control how my body is aging in the typical way a cisgender male’s body ages. Well, I COULD control it through HRT and age with the influence of estrogen but transitioning or doing anything medically or hormonally are not steps I feel are the right path for me.

But I can do two different things.

I can do nothing, or I can pursue amazing things.

Doing nothing, in regards to Hannah’s world, is simply that. I could stop going out en femme, I could stop doing shoots, I could stop sharing pictures. That would eliminate any disparaging thoughts I have about how I look. 

But we all know that is not going to happen. Sorry to the haters, lol.

So I choose to pursue amazing things. Of course, we all have different opinions about amazing things. Doing a lingerie photo shoot isn’t appealing to most people on the planet but it’s one of my favorite things. Not because I am giving a supermodel a run for her money but because they represent how far I’ve come over time.

This progress is not necessarily measured by how femme I look. I arguably looked more femme five years ago (and twenty pounds ago) than I do today. 

The progress is completely mental. The progress is not caring. The progress is not scrutinizing every single flaw that I have. The progress is strutting forward instead of being overly critical. The progress is not banishing a picture to my hard drive because my tummy is too big or I could have done a better job tucking.

Photo shoots require a lot of things coming together. My makeup artist being available, Shannonlee being available to take the pictures, a studio being available… but even if those stars align it means nothing if I am not feeling it.

Part of this particular shoot had a black leathery mesh bodysuit that is super cute but after just a few pictures I asked to stop. I don’t know why, but I just didn’t feel it. I really have to be in the right mindset for any outfit. But the right mindset has to be there for anything I am doing, photo shoot or anything else. I have a hard time faking sincerity or enthusiasm and if and when I catch myself making that sincerity I just… check out and I have to stop whatever I am doing.

I know if I feel a stillness then I go proceed with an outfit. Essentially if I don’t feel ugly or feel self-conscience or feel silly. If I can’t hear my inner critic (or if I can ignore it) then I feel… empowered. Free.

This is not a stillness I would have felt five years, ten years ago. As I mentioned I arguably looked more femme in 2014 but I didn’t have the courage, the mindset, the confidence, the ability to silence my inner critic, to do a lingerie shoot. I may have looked younger and thinner than I do today, but I look more confident, and I am more confident than I did a decade ago.

That’s how I choose to measure change and progress. It’s about self-esteem, it’s about not giving a second thought to what others might think. 

All right. This is getting too reflective for a photo set about underwear so I will leave you with a few more pictures and I hope you like them. :)

Love, Hannah