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Hello Hannah, my question is about Sex and Relationships. I’m single and I’ve been dressing for about 25 years and have never been in a relationship with another CD. Sex is so much more than just a sexual meeting, it’s a physical attraction and wanting to please your partner. I’m not alone in the view, you see it in most of the CD forums. In general, if you are not already married, you will be alone in this world. I would love to be in a relationship however I know it will never happen. I crave to be in love so I have to make a life decision and soon. I’m not very happy. Do you have any advise?

Relationships are hard.

Finding someone is hard.

The first advice I can give is to be easy on yourself and don’t give up. Don’t give yourself an arbitrary deadline, if you will, to find someone. Falling in love and building a life together is challenging enough as it is, and it does little good putting additional pressure on yourself, such as giving yourself a time limit.

People find their partner at different times throughout their lives. It doesn’t always happen by a certain age.

Crossdressing certainly doesn’t make a relationship easier. I get it. I’ve been there. Sometimes this side of us becomes can impact everything between two people. However, I don’t feel that it’s always the crossdressing ITSELF that is the issue, rather it might be what comes WITH crossdressing that is the problem.

What I mean is that it’s normal for some of us to keep this side of ourselves a secret. Little white lies become almost natural. If someone from my male life were to see me at Target with foundation in my basket I would mention I am picking up a few things for my wife. Is it a lie? Yes.

I have become used to this.

We also might be accustomed to hiding the depth of this side of us to people we are out to. We may do this with the best of intentions. When I came out to a girl I was dating I reallllly downplayed what I eventually realized was my gender identity. I didn’t want to scare her off and I didn’t want her to think I was in denial about myself.

So, was that a lie? Yes.

These falsehoods are not easy to stop. I became so used to what I felt were little white lies that I really didn’t see the problem with them. This is what I mean by crossdressing may not be the problem, but lying about crossdressing IS the problem.

It’s also challenging for us to accept that others are accepting of this side of us. We might still be afraid of scaring our partner away even after we come out. So, we may continue to protect this side of us by telling lies here and there. Again, this may be done with the best of intentions, but these good intentions don’t make it right.

When I began a new relationship, I always knew that this side of me was the elephant in the room. I knew if the relationship would continue we would have to discuss this. I knew that this could also potentially end the relationship. Knowing this, I knew that my partner accepting, or at least tolerating, this side of me was going to be crucial for the relationship to continue. I knew this because at a certain point in my life I knew that this is who I was, this is who I am. I cannot deny my gender identity no more than I can stop being right-handed.

In a way my crossdressing became the most important aspect of any future relationship. Not that what I wear is more important than my partner’s feelings, but I knew I could not be in a relationship if I wasn’t honest with them about this aspect of myself OR if I knew this aspect of myself was causing my partner agony. If wearing panties broke her heart, I knew that it wouldn’t be fair for her (or for myself) to be in a relationship with them.

However, in my twenties I learned that I should not choose to remain in a relationship based ONLY on their acceptance of my crossdressing. I came out to a girl I was dating who was very accepting and even enthusiastic about my crossdressing. I felt I had hit the jackpot however as the relationship progressed we realized we were not right for each other. If I stayed with her it would have been only for her acceptance. We were hardly compatible on the other important parts of life.

The healthiest relationships, in my opinion and in my experience, are when two people have the same values, not necessarily the same interests.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you are seeking a relationship with another crossdresser since you mentioned posting on crossdressing forums. This is probably a good place to start if you are looking SPECIFICALLY for a relationship with someone who crossdresses. But it also sounds like (and forgive me if I am wrong) that the most important quality in your partner is that they are also a crossdresser.

Ask yourself if this is the case. If it is, then you may likely have to take some… hm, concessions. You may have to compromise. I have a co-worker who hates his wife on every. single. level. He is absolutely miserable and complains about her every chance he gets. I asked him why he stays with her. He told me it’s because her family is rich and when her parents die she will get a significant inheritance.

Essentially he is choosing to live a miserable life because in his opinion, potential wealth is the most important aspect of their relationship. He cares little about happiness. He wants the money. This is his choice.

So, is your partner’s crossdressing the most important thing they can bring to a relationship? If so, then yes, you may have a hard time finding a fulfilling relationship. Relationships are hard enough as it is and they are dependent on values, not interests. You may have crossdressing in common, but are you able to communicate difficult feelings? Are the two of you able to work on a relationship? Are you able to tackle the hard parts of life together?

From my perspective, a partner’s acceptance (or participation) of your crossdressing will likely not impact the big things that a relationship requires. Relationships are two people maintaining a home, dividing up the household chores, agreeing on a budget, interacting with one another’s extended families… the list continues.

If you and your partner fight over finances and you can’t work together when your basement floods, then their acceptance of your crossdressing becomes, well, not important.

For example, my wife is accepting of who I am. But we came to this acceptance and understanding through communication and hard work and listening. Communication is key in any relationship, whether the conversation is about crossdressing or finances or emotions. If you can’t communicate about anything, then you’ll have a difficult relationship.

A few years ago, on our anniversary, we were getting ready to go out to dinner. Our kitchen sink was not…. um, sinking right so my wife had been watching DIY videos to hopefully find a solution. Before going out, she wanted to try one more thing. The two of us spent the next half hour with a plunger and unfastening various pipes and trying different things. It SUCKED. It was GROSS. But we laughed the entire time we were doing this. Soon we were soaked and after putting the pipes back together we ended up staying home and getting takeout.

If my wife and I weren’t able to work together on this kind of stuff, it would be a challenging relationship. During that moment her acceptance didn’t matter.

Since you asked for my advice my suggestion is if finding a partner who also crossdresses is THE most important quality you wish to find, then be prepared to consider every other aspect that is important in a relationship. Does this person listen to you? Do you trust them? Do you like them? Do you have the same values? Are on the same page about finances? What about having children?

In a sense, what you and your partner are into, whether it’s a shared love of crossdressing or a sport or a hobby or whatever, will likely be a small factor in your relationship. You may have a common interest, but you and your partner will need to be able to communicate about difficult stuff and tackle difficult stuff. I know it’s cliched to say that you should marry your best friend but I think there’s a lot of truth to that.

Love, Hannah

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