Putting the U in Support Group

Last year the MN T-Girls celebrated our ten year anniversary.

I honestly feel that this group will be one of the biggest accomplishments in my life. Which is kind of strange because it’s something I keep a secret to half of the people in my world. My work colleagues would be stunned if they knew, lol.

Over the years I’ve been told by girls outside of Minnesota that they wished a group like ours existed. It sounds kind of bitchy to say this, but I will sometimes respond with “why not start a group like this?”. I promise I don’t intend to come off that way, rather I hope my response is encouraging and supportive. Like, “yes, why don’t I??”

Ask any member of the T-Girls and they will likely say that I am not a social person. I’m not intentionally rude and I have a hard time picking up on social cues (thank you, autism) and I am almost always the first to leave an event as it winds down. I am the last person who should be running a social group. But if I can do this, anyone can.

Any club, if you will, looks intimidating and overwhelming. But like anything, the group had it’s humble beginnings. I should know, I was there from the start, lol.

It’s not unlike learning makeup. You break down something that appears overwhelming into small baby steps.

Today’s post is about how to start a group like this. I do want to clarify that this is how the MN T-Girls started and what worked for us may or may not work for another group, but I hope this is helpful regardless.

There are two words that come to mind when I think about the group. “Eyeliner and Stilettos.” lol, no. Not those two words. “Patience and Momentum”.

It took patience for the group to find members. It took patience for the group to grow. It took patience as some of the girls found the courage to go out in public. It took patience to demonstrate to the members that this group was something I was committed to. The Twin Cities has had many transgender support groups over the years and some are still going strong and some have fizzled out. I think there was some skepticism (and rightly so) that the group was going to be a long-term thing.

Momentum happened organically. As the monthly events continued, word began to spread, and I think enthusiasm for the group did so as well. The group grew and everyone contributes suggestions and feedback for future events. Ideas from members help shape what we do and as time progresses the group becomes a little easier to maintain.

The group did not become what we are today overnight. I think it took about a year for us to find our footing (which isn’t easy in stilettos, lol). I learned a lot in this time, and I continue to learn a lot even after all these years.

If I added one more word that comes to mind about the group it would be “commitment”. Besides two short breaks during COVID we have met every month for over a decade. I’ve not flaked out on organizing an event. I like to think that we still do new and fun things throughout a year. If a leader isn’t invested in something it makes it hard for others to be enthusiastic about it.

One of the questions I am asked the most is how does one meet a t-girl. Most of the time this is asked by a t-girl looking to make a friend, but I do get asked this from men who are looking to hook up with a girl like us. The truth is beyond an LGBTQ+ bar/nightclub, I can’t think of a single place that a girl like us would be wont to go. We all have our lives and you can find girls like us at coffee shops and museums and a million other places.

And besides, I caution against clocking another t-girl. I would probably want to die if someone approached me in public to inform me that they know I’m trans. Not that I am trying to pass, I assume everyone knows I am trans, but I do not want someone to initiate a conversation with my gender identity as their opening line, so to speak.

Unless it’s relevant. If a mother came up to me to let me know that their child just came out and they had some questions, I would be honored to sit and chat.

And also, what if you’re wrong? Misgendering anyone is rude, at the very least.

Let’s acknowledge that other t-girls are essential for a t-girl social/support group. So, how does one meet others like us? To this day I have no idea.

But I do know how I met other t-girls. The answer shouldn’t surprise anyone but it was the internet. I’ve had a website for like fifteen years. Over time this site (and the one before this one) found readers and slowly and steadily grew in terms of web traffic. I linked to other sites like mine and I would comment on their posts. I slowly became visible.

Of course, it’s easy to start a website. Maintaining a website is a completely different thing. Posting new content on a regular schedule demands commitment. Going weeks or even months between posts tends to kill interest. Sincerity is also important. If you’re not writing about something you are personally interested in it will be hard for you to maintain your site.

And your readers will quickly pick up on you going through the motions and posting for posting’s sake.

Find your niche and run with it. Mine was that gender identity is something to celebrate and is something beautiful. I was also very open on my website(s) when it came to where I lived. For topics that I write about often I will tag a key word, such as “lingerie” or “heels” or “Minnesota”. When I write about Minnesota I usually bring attention to an organization that I think girls like us would be interested in, or I write about legislation that can impact us, good or bad.

Doing this was helpful, I think. When girls look for resources it’s not uncommon to Google “crossdresser (or another term)” with “city name”.

It took years but through tagging my site became the first result when Googling “Crossdresser Minnesota”. Yay for algorithms!

I think it’s pretty normal, especially in the first days of our journey, to search these terms. We might be looking for transformation studios or stores that are welcoming to girls like us. These days I describe the group as feminine presenting gender non-confirming and/or transgender. Back then I wasn’t comfortable identifying as transgender as I thought that word was reflective of those who were transitioning or already had. Today my definition is much more inclusive.

I also was active on crossdressers.com. I would reply to posts and made my first friends through that site. One of which I am still friends with today (hi Liz!). Members would message one another privately and friendships would blossom. If members were in the same city, even better.

This is not unlike networking. If you’ve ever looked for professional connections to further your career or embark on a new one you probably already know how to do this. This is similar, albeit just a little different.

Through these steps, which took years, I eventually became a small fish in a big ocean. I wasn’t and will never be in the same pantheon as Stana or Heidi Phox but a girl can dream.

I think years of doing these things gave me a little… credibility. I was maintaining a website and posted on a regular basis. I responded to emails and comments and I wrote about things that seemed to resonate with girls who read my site. I hoped that I gave the impression that I wasn’t going anywhere. People got to know me, as much as one can through a website.

I wrote about my journey in a sincere and honest way. And this is easy to do when you don’t think anyone is going to read what you write. Soon others told me that they could identify and could relate to some of what I wrote. This feedback encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing.

As I continued to attend local support groups, I realized that what I needed for my own journey wasn’t going to be found in the groups I was involved with. This is not a criticism of these other groups. They were, and are essential for many, including myself. I was ready to be out in the world. I wanted to make friends to go shopping with, if I am being honest. Going to the mall or a museum or whatever is super fun but after a while it gets a little lonely. I wasn’t out to anyone in his life at the time so if I wanted friends, it would be Hannah who would make them.

I wanted to find a group that focused more on the social aspect and less on the support aspect. I didn’t need to be told that it was okay to be who I am, I was comfortable and confident and secure with myself. But there wasn’t a group like that in the Twin Cities.

Toni Morrison said “If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it”. This quote, along with my wife’s suggestion, formed the MN T-Girls. I started to post about the group on my site and on crossdressers.com. Since my website already had readers through years of blogging and since many of my readers were from Minnesota, there was already a built-in interest.

I started a mailing list and after a few months of, well, recruiting, we had a our first event. Of course, it wasn’t that easy. I had to think of things for us to do. I knew I wanted to find places for girls like us to go. I looked into different LGBTQ+ establishments in the area but I didn’t want our first event to be at a loud nightclub. It’s not my scene and I thought it might be challenging to have a conversation while dance music throbbed in the background. Fortunately someone suggested a cafe in south Minneapolis that was owned by a transwoman. Perfect.

I had a realistic goal for the first event and it’s the same goal I have for every event since: that someone shows up.

And girls did show up! There was about five or six of us. I was amazed. I was so proud of myself. I was so proud of the girls who attended and my pride continues each month with every girl who joins us.

My confidence shot through the roof after the first meeting. The second meeting, however, never happened. After the first event, I think I became too ambitious. I thought it would be fun to meet up and do some holiday shopping (this would have been in December) at the Mall of America.

This was a mistake. The mall is obviously huge and filled with people, especially in December. Understandably many girls were not ready to do something so public yet. So, the event was canceled.

Nevertheless, she persisted. I took a step back, read the room (as it were) and remembered that not everyone is not ready for the same things. The following month we met again at the same coffee shop. Once more, girls came.

The first few months of the group were crucial. Every person is different and every girl like us is comfortable and intimidated by different things. I started to plan relatively safe events, such as meeting at LGBTQ+ bars and coffee shops, as well as alternate events in more public spaces for those who were ready for the next step.

I also balanced events with things I wanted to do en femme. If I wasn’t excited about an event then I think my lack of enthusiasm would be apparent. It’s not unlike writing for yourself. If you aren’t sure that anyone will read what you write, then you had better write something that you want to write. I created a group that I would want to be a member of. Planning events adopted a similar mindset, even to this day. We’ve had over a hundred events and some have been popular, some not so much, but I don’t think we’ve done anything that I personally didn’t want to do.

Feedback and suggestions from the group have been incredibly valuable. Because of input from the girls we’ve had private shopping events and other adventures that never would have happened.

And! Being able to handle and deflect and LISTEN to criticism is key. Some events, as I mentioned, were not popular and are still criticized to this day. Knowing when to listen and adapt is important, but also remembering that some people just like to complain is important, too.

As the group continued to meet, momentum grew. Word spread. The group would not be what it is without commitment. Not only commitment from me, but commitment from the members. I get asked often how much longer I’ll be planning events and my response is that as long as girls keep coming, then I’ll keep planning.

Of course, starting a group is one thing. Maintaining the group and how to plan events is another. I’m happy to share my experiences if ya’ll want me to.

I hope this helps. I hope this breaks down something so seemingly huge and intimidating to smaller, bite-sized pieces. If you are thinking of starting a group and if you’d like me to promote it on my website, please let me know. Additionally, if you have a group and would like me to give you a shout-out, please email me!

Love, Hannah