Ask Hannah!

I volunteer at a food pantry that is an extension of a local LGBTQ+ nonprofit. I also help with other events such as the monthly community brunch, doing chores like setup, prep, clean up, etc. Odd as it may seem those asks are fun to me.

I decided to change from my standard jeans and tee shirt. I wore a simple white button up blouse, wide leg pin strip slacks, and flat booties. I knew I looked like a male in women’s clothes, but I thought they were age appropriate, stylish, and cute.

Not one person said anything positive; the subtle (and so subtle) message was that somehow as a straight male how dare I wear women’s clothes. I basically shut down and left very early. Once home I threw out all my women’s outerwear and shoes.

In your experience, was I wrong to expect acceptance?

Thank you for the important volunteering you do!

I don’t think it was wrong to expect acceptance. I do think acceptance can come in different forms, though. Acceptance isn’t always going to be obvious. It’s not always going to be as clear as someone approaching you and specifically telling you that they accept you.

I think one of the clearest signs of acceptance is small talk. Waiting for your coffee order and chit-chatting with another customer. Talking about an outfit with a salesclerk. Friendly conversation with the person next to you at a movie.

I love this. I am obviously transgender. I know this, and everyone in the world knows this. When someone converses with me, they are choosing to talk with a transgirl. They see that I am trans, and they choose to chat with me. They don’t need to tell me that they accept me, their choice to chat says that for them.

When we step out in “girl clothes” in boymode or when we are out en femme for the first few times, it’s normal to think that everyone is staring at as and judging us. Our paranoia is turned up to 11 and we are overthinking everything. The way someone looks at us, the way someone doesn’t look at us… we assume that every interaction, both verbal and nonverbal, is related to our appearance. It’s easy to misinterpret a look, especially when our paranoia and insecurity is at an all-time high.

Sometimes people just need a moment to, well, process what they are seeing. When I am out en femme, I am in full makeup, wearing a cute dress, and I am even taller than tall in my high heels. I am overdressed and loving it. When people turn the corner and see me, they might be taken aback. Not because they don’t accept me (they probably aren’t giving me a second thought) but they might do a doubletake because they were not expecting to see the tallest girl in the world at Target dressed like she is going to a wedding reception.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I also have realized that most people in the world are too busy in their own lives and thoughts and their work to think about anyone else.

People who are gender non-conforming are usually not very easy to understand. Understanding comes from people relating to one another. If I told my best friend that sometimes I feel like a girl, he would not be able to relate to that, and therefor understanding me, and relating to me, would be challenging. I doubt very much that he ever thinks about whether or not he feels like a boy.

I think it’s normal to assume that cisgender people in the queer community will automatically and without hesitation understand us. I think we can relate with one another to feeling different and feeling we had/have to hide something important about ourselves. My brother is gay and cisgender. He and I can relate when it comes to growing up and feeling different than other boys. He liked boys, I liked girl clothes. Not the same thing, but the feelings of keeping a secret are similar.

He can understand feeling different but he cannot understand why a man wants to wear panties. He can relate to feeling different but he cannot relate to wanting to wear lingerie.

Most people probably don’t think about clothes the way most GNC people do. My best friend, my siblings, my mom, my wife… probably never give their clothes a second thought when it comes to whether or not their outfit lines up with their gender identity. The thought process I have when I choose my clothes is not something most cisgender people can relate to.

If my brother and Hannah went to lunch, I doubt anyone would clock him. It’s not always easy to tell what someone’s sexual orientation is. But Hannah? Oh, it’s so easy. It’s pretty obvious.

GNC people also don’t have enough representation in the world. I could probably name 20 queer celebrities but I don’t know if I could name 20 GNC celebrities. I rarely see a boy in a skirt when I am anywhere. I rarely see a boy wearing nail polish. A boy wearing “girl clothes” is likely going to be noticed. Not because people are disapproving of him, but possibly it’s because it’s not a common thing to see. If you are cisgender, regardless of your sexual orientation, you might take a second look, it might take a moment to process what you are seeing.

I do this. Even as someone who is GNC I might glance at a boy wearing a skirt longer than what is normal. This glance might be interpreted as disapproval but it’s not. Rather I might be admiring the skirt, admiring his courage, and perhaps even feeling a little jealous that he is brave and secure and confident enough to wear a skirt in boymode.

I suppose my point is that a GNC is likely to going to be stared at. And it’s not always a disapproving stare. Even the most accepting people in the world might take a little longer to process what you’re wearing. Our society has engrained into us a binary system when it comes to gender. It takes a moment or two for our brains to process gender expression and gender presentation when it is outside of what we have been taught.

I’m sorry you had an experience that was different from what you expected. I feel that if you returned rocking the same cute outfit you might have a different experience. The more often anyone sees a GNC person, the more likely it is they will become used to a GNC person. It takes time for us to rewire our brains after decades of antiquated gender norms.

Also, over time, they will get to know YOU. They will soon get to know you as a person and hopefully accept you regardless of what you’re wearing.

Love, Hannah

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