Daydreams and Fantasies

I believe that sex can be, and is, many, many things. It can be fun, intimate, spontaneous, planned, kinky… even all of these at once. If the participants are all willing and consenting and respected, I don’t think there’s really a wrong way to have sex.

Regardless of what someone’s sexy time is like, I feel that if anything, it should be personal. Although sex can a random hookup or with the aid of an escort, I think sex is also be a beautiful and sacred and private act between people who love one another and are devoted to one another.

And again, as long as the participants are consenting and everyone is enjoying themselves, then who is anyone to judge?

Of course, sex isn’t just about the physical aspect. Communication, consent, curiosity, and care are all essential parts of sex. I do think people are more than just a label and I do feel that, in most aspects, that sexual identity is pointless. I think there are a lot of ways one can be attracted or drawn to someone, whether it’s an emotional or intellectual connection (smart people are crazy sexy), or a physical connection. Sure, the idea of being intimate with someone who has the same genitalia as yourself may not seem appealing, but I do feel it’s possible that there may be something else about them that you find attractive.

Because of this, I am not surprised when someone has a moment in their life when they think that perhaps they are not as straight as they thought. I’ve had friends who dated people of a different gender for their entire life until they met someone and, well, things changed and they have started to date or have relationships with someone with a gender identity that they never did before.

I feel that sexuality can be fluid. I think it’s normal to be curious about someone that has a different gender identity or different anatomy compared to what your dating or intimate history says.

What can trigger these new (or repressed) desires is a lot of things. For example, you identify as male and date women but for some reason you can’t stop thinking about the new guy at the office and you’re not really sure why.

A very common thing for almost everyone reading this website is a changing or emerging gender identity or gender presentation, whether these are permanent or fluid. Anyone who has ever come out to someone has likely been asked the normal questions during “The Talk”. Those normal questions having to do with sexuality such as “are you gay? Do you like men?”

When I’ve been asked these questions I used to wonder why my clothing preference had anything to do with who I was attracted to, but I understood. The world insists it is a binary system. You are either a boy or a girl. You are attracted to either boy or girls. Anything that is outside of those extremes isn’t something most people are familiar with. It boggles my mind that so many people don’t “understand” bisexual people. I mean, it’s not that complicated. People have an even more difficult time comprehending gender that is outside of the binary.

I don’t feel that one’s sexual preference changes when they are presenting as a gender that is different from the one they were assigned at birth. Rather I feel that when one has accepted that they have a different, or an additional gender identity they may start to realize other aspects of themselves that they either repressed or didn’t know they were there.

It’s not uncommon for someone to feel attracted to men when they are en femme.

But! I don’t feel that being intimate with a man is suddenly appealing just because you are wearing a dress or lingerie. I don’t feel a piece of clothing impacts your sexual preferences.

Rather, I feel that embracing your gender identity makes one more in touch with other parts of themselves. It’s easy to feel vulnerable, introspective, beautiful, curious, and powerful when you have accepted something about yourself in regards to gender. I feel you can start to discover even more about yourself, in addition to just your feelings about gender.

Such as sexuality.

I also feel that when some of us are en femme, we want to experience things that enhance and even reinforce our gender identity. It can be validating. For example, I looooove it when people address Hannah as “ma’am”. And I looooove it when men hold the door open for Hannah.

Some of us want to be intimate when we are en femme and we want to, hm, “be the girl” during intimacy. This could be what parts of our body we want touched or ignored, this could be how we communicate during sex, and it can also include WHO we are intimate with. I suppose what I mean is that it’s possible one likes to have sex with men when they are en femme because having “men have sex with women”. Therefore, if a man is having sex with you it’s because you are a woman.

Of course, that is very much a generalization and an oversimplification. I don’t think validation should only come from the dude who just wants to rail you. Some guys will have sex with anyone. When a guy hits on me it’s not very flattering, to be honest. I am not attracted to men (at least not so far) but when a guy emails/messages me it’s very normal for one of their first questions to me is if I’ll sleep with them. They are not trying to get to know me, they are just horny and looking for anyone to fuck, lol.

When someone acknowledges that they have a new or an additional gender identity, it can easily cause one to question or reevaluate every single thing in their life. Pronouns, clothes, even sexuality. And this is all very normal. A new gender identity opens up a whole new world. That’s not to say that every single thing will be different but there’s the potential for every single thing to change. Be open to the possibilities.

Over the years I have received many emails from people like myself, partners of people like myself, parents and children of people like myself, therapists, other bloggers… asking for perspective and opinion and help and reassurance. I am not an authority on anything and I am certainly not a celebrity, but my site is usually one of the top Google results when one, um, googles terms like “crossdresser” or “transgender”. Algorithms are beyond my control.

Since I am relatively easy to find online, and since my website covers things from advice to shopping, I get emails and questions about many subjects. It’s a pretty normal thing for someone to ask me about, well, anything. Many of these emails are from people baring their soul and really opening up in a way they may not be used to. These emails are often written by someone who is in a very vulnerable state and are pouring their heart out.

It’s a privilege to be trusted like that. It’s almost sacred. I am being trusted with feelings and experiences that likely have never been shared before.

I get the feeling that many of these emails are written with the momentum of someone pouring their heart out. No filter, just words fueled by the need to be written, to exist outside of someone’s soul. These messages can often be plagued by typos or grammatical errors. Although the writer and reader in me flinches a little at the misuse of “your” and “you’re” I do understand that when someone is opening up to you, proper punctuation isn’t super important. I don’t think a lot of emailers will reread their message before sending it. Rather I think they just write what they feel and send it before they lose the nerve.

I get it. I really do.

When someone is going a million miles an hour and baring their soul, they may not be considering what they sharing might be a little, well, a little much, or maybe inappropriate. What I mean is that I get a lot of emails from others that in addition to sharing their feelings and innermost thoughts, these messages can often include sexual concerns.

And we’re all adults here, right?

I get questions about sex often and they usually focus on someone questioning their sexuality when they acknowledge *this* side of themselves, or concerns from someone’s partner if their husband wearing panties “means” anything about their sexuality. These are pretty common questions.

However, as I mentioned before, it’s not unusual for these messages to get explicit when it comes to sex. Like, incredibly detailed fantasies and daydreams.

To be fair, it’s not unusual for us to have fantasies about our gender expression. I mean, my fantasies include wearing a gorgeous gown and doing a photo shoot in an European castle but I don’t share my intimate fantasies with anyone besides my wife.

But again, I get it. Not everyone has someone they can share their fantasies with and it’s cathartic to be able to do so. To tell SOMEONE and hopefully be reassured that what they dream about isn’t, well, wrong.

Generally, I don’t think there are anything wrong with most fantasies. I mean, they are fantasies, right? As long as you aren’t daydreaming about anything illegal, immoral, unethical, or nonconsensual it’s likely okay, right?

Honestly, a lot of this content makes me uncomfortable. I really, really, really don’t want to hear about someone wanting to put on incredibly slutty lingerie and give dudes blowjobs.

But… I get it.

I mean, not that specifically. I can’t relate to that fantasy but what I understand is someone wanting to experience, uh, experiences en femme. Some of us feel that certain experiences validate our gender expression and gender identity. I can relate to that but in a different way. When someone calls me “ma’am” or when a guy holds the door open for me or when a barista tells me the ladies’ room is down the hall, to the left, I feel validated.

Not that I need someone’s validation or approval of course, but it’s still a nice moment. It’s nice to be reminded that the world doesn’t hate transwomen as much as we are lead to believe.

Some of us feel that having sex with a guy is validating and affirming. Like “this dude is having sex with me and since men have sex with women, he thinks of me as a woman.”

(Of course, not every guy has sex with women but I think you see my point.)

Or it’s something that a girl experiences so ergo it’s something that they want to do.

(Of course, not every woman has sex with men but I think you see my point.)

I am getting a little offtrack here (big surprise) but emails with a lot of specific and explicit sexual content are not uncommon. I also tend to ignore emails like this. As I wrote earlier, I think it’s something that should be kept between themselves and their partner.

Kind of.

I don’t think sex is or should be a huge taboo that we can’t be discussed. It’s a part of many relationships and it can be an important part of a relationship or an important part of a person. I suppose what I mean is the actual, specific aspects of sex and fantasies. Aspects that are, essentially irrelevant. Again, I don’t want to hear about someone wanting to put on incredibly slutty lingerie and give dudes blowjobs.

But I am starting to accept that this comes with the territory that I have more or less established. I am fairly prolific and I blog a lot and have been doing so for years and years. I invite people to email and ask questions and I do my best to answer them or at the very least offer my perspective.

Is it right for me to ignore an email just because it includes explicit material? Of course, I can choose what I respond to and I don’t have to do anything that I am not comfortable doing…

But again I allow a lot of… hmm, access to me. People can send “Ask Hannah” questions, I post my email address, and I approve (most) comments.

I understand that gender identity can touch a lot of aspects in our lives, and that includes sex.

Love, Hannah