Ask Hannah!

I’m married and wasn’t happy after having kids. I’m obsessed with having a woman body. HRT is not possible here and I tried DIY HRT after so much research. I’m feeling happy now. But it’s been only 5 months. I’m happy with the changes. But I can’t come out as I found out my wife and parents are transphobic. What to do?

When it comes to relationships (in my opinion), the key is communication and empathy, being able to see a situation from someone else’s perspective and imagine how they may be feeling. Basically, how do you suppose your actions are making your wife feel?

Of course, I don’t know your wife so I want to acknowledge that I can’t speak for her or even presume to guess how she might be feeling or thinking, but let’s do some supposition.

Let’s start with the facts, as stated by you:

-You and your wife have children together

-You weren’t happy after the two of you started a family

-You tried and/or implementing DIY hormone replacement therapy

Post-partum depression is a very real thing and is not limited to mothers. The only people I know that have had post-partum depression who recovered from it were able to do so through therapy. Did you seek therapy? As a parent/co-parent as well as a spouse, it is your responsibility to be taking care of yourself. Your family is depending on you. But YOU are also depending on you.

I can’t even begin to list the reasons why DIY hormone replacement therapy is incredibly dangerous. Stop doing this.

When you and your wife got married, I imagine you made promises and said vows to each other. It’s likely you committed to each other. A major and significant life change, whether it is quitting your job, making major financial decisions, or beginning HRT, without having a conversation with your partner is, to be blunt, incredibly selfish.

How would you feel if your wife started taking medication that wasn’t prescribed to her that is meant to modify her body and hormones? How would you feel if she kept this from you?

How do you think she feels? And if she doesn’t know, how do you think your actions will make her feel?

I’m sorry your family isn’t supportive of the transgender community. But in my opinion, that is a secondary issue. I would suggest you seek out therapy if you have not done so already. I think you need to be honest with yourself and you need to be honest with your partner. Often times the bigger issue when it comes to gender identity and marriage is not necessarily one’s gender identity, but often not being honest with your partner. You are keeping, or have kept, a significant aspect of yourself a secret from your wife.

Again, how would you feel if you learned that she is keeping a secret from you? How would you feel if she emptied your bank accounts and kept a gambling addiction from you? How would you react if you learned she was tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt? How would you feel if you learned she’s been texting her ex for a year or going out for a drink with a male co-worker?

Listen: I understand how what we want and who we are can cloud our judgement. The Pink Fog can push us to do things without thinking things through. The Pink Fog can be made more intense if you are not able to express your feelings in a sufficient way. I have made many bad decisions when lost in the fog and I am not here to shame you. I’m sorry I can’t be more positive. There are, in my opinion, many things that you’ve done that are dangerous and selfish. You may have done irreparable damage to your body and your marriage. It may be too late to undo anything. I feel that the only thing you can do is get the help and guidance from someone who is smarter than I am. Please seek out therapy and medical attention.

Love, Hannah

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