Outside Looking In

Not long ago, a friend created a magazine cover with the magic of Photoshop of me. Loved it. The other day I was sent a new image, this time of a movie poster.

I loooooooooooove this. It’s so well done. You can see more of Annabelle’s work on her NSFW website. It inspired a new project (at this time it’s just a daydream but it’s fun to fantasize about) of creating a short trailer for the movie that this poster is for. Realistically I can’t see it happening as my plate is pretty full, but it prompted me to think about the video projects I am already doing. Projects I never thought I would be comfortable doing.

It’s hard to know how others see us. Not what others think about us, but how we LOOK to someone else. It’s not unlike hearing a recording of ourselves… like is that really my voice? Is that how I sound? Normally we cringe, regardless of our gender identity or gender presentation.

Sometimes when I am out I will catch myself in a mirror and I wonder if others see me in the same way as I see myself. I try to be objective and attempt to see myself as another might see me. What I mean in these instances is would they think I am dressed in an appropriate way? Is my outfit cute? Do my accessories flatter me?

…do I look as femme as I am trying to?

Photographs can be affirming. They can capture how we look and without sounding too egotistical, sometimes I see a photo of myself and I think I look pretty good.

But a photo is just that. It’s capturing a moment. The light cooperated, I positioned my legs in a specific way, my head tilted just so. The next photo, although very litttle changed, I probably won’t look as good. My head might be at an angle that isn’t flattering, my shoulder might be thrusted forward, giving me a more rectangular shape, a masculine feature might be more prominent than I would like.

Between Help Me, Hannah! and Wishlist projects, I have been getting more used to seeing myself in video. Therefore, I am seeing myself move. I am seeing videos of me walking, standing, fidgeting, gesturing. I see my head and hands move around and often I look more masculine than I had realized.

Sometimes I cringe when I see me out in the real world when I look at the footage, but for the most part I shrug it off. I mean, I am not going to go back and reshoot something because I didn’t like how my upturned head made my adam’s apple more prominent. I am less concerned than I thought I would ever be when it comes to how I move and gesture and how it might be less feminine as I aspired.

Love, Hannah